Happily Ever After
Happily Ever After - 6/28/2007
(appearing in the online version of Foschini Club Magazine)
Afraid that you’ll never find Prince Charming? Relax - you’re probably better off without him, says Lee Horn, who advises you to forget romantic fantasy, and make your own happiness. Remember the moment in Shrek when Princess Fiona’s long-awaited fantasy suitor, handsome Lord Farquar, dismounts from his horse - and she discovers he stands only waist high? His height, however, is the least of his, um… shortcomings. He’s cold, arrogant and out to use her for his own selfish ends.
Real love, the type of which happy-ever-after endings are made, comes in unlikely forms. And in fact, the great green ogre Shrek has qualities relationship counsellors say we should all look for in a life-partner. "Too many people marry with impossible ideals," says Zama Mabaso, Durban director of the Family and Marriage Society of SA. "One in three marriages now end in divorce, and our happiness, and that of any children we may have, is at stake. We owe it to them to marry only if we understand it will be forever." And this usually means dropping Prince carming for an everyday ogre who truly cherishes you and wants to settle down, and is prepared to throw himself into the unromantic realities of domestic life. So how do you find your ogre?
1. DECIDE WHAT YOU REALLY, REALLY WANT
Fiona thinks she wants someone handsome and gallant, and discovers what she really wants is someone warm, trustworthy, deeply-caring and fun. American dating coach Ronnie Ann Ryan recommends making a list of five "must-have" qualities, and measuring potential partners against them. Her own list, which netted her "Mr Right-for-me" (as close as we can ever really get to perfection), included:
* Someone with a good heart who is generous, kind, honest and ready for love.
* Someone who really wants to spend time with you and be in a relationship, and treats you well.
* Someone you can talk to and share ideas with openly.
* Someone with enough common interests that you can enjoy doing things together.
* Someone who adds to your life.
"Let go of perfection," she advises, "and increase your chances for finding a good partner who’ll make you happy over the long run."
2. BUILD FRIENDSHIP AND MUTUAL RESPECT
Shrek and Fiona’s love blooms only after they endure a number of hardships and adventures together, and discover they have similar ideals and backgrounds, and enjoy similar things. Their growing mutual admiration and respect is palpable, and it turns them into a team, each giving the other support whenever it’s needed. "It’s important to separate understanding and respect from agreement," says Durban psychologist Patrick Button. "You can’t feel secure or loved if you feel misunderstood, but you can be secure and feel close to someone who disagrees with you."
3. COMMUNICATE AND COMPROMISE
"For two people to stay together long-term," says Patrick, "they must be able to resolve their natural differences, confront issues, and find ways to handle the negative emotions that inevitably arise." Early in Shrek’s relationship with Fiona, he overhears her making what he thinks are hurtful remarks about him. When they bring themselves to discuss this openly, they clear up what turns out to be simply a misunderstanding, and are drawn closer than ever. Being able to talk out problems honestly, calmly and without interruption, is the key to negotiating a healthy compromise, say Leslie Whitaker and Elizabeth Austin in The Good Girl’s Guide To Negotiating (Little Brown & Co).
4. WATCH THE DETAILS
While it’s useful to be on the same page with your man in terms of major issues like religious beliefs and your attitudes to finances, it’s the smaller things that really count. Like being able to laugh together and constantly expressing your appreciation for each other in small ways, even just a passing squeeze or a special look. "It’s appreciation that makes lasting love possible," says counsellor and author Gary Smalley. The right relationship will make you feel good about yourself, relaxed and confident. Happily married couples express gratitude often, praise each other’s efforts, and are patient with faults. And they share their own little weaknesses, trusting their partner to protect their vulnerability. They know that nobody’s perfect - but that we can all find someone with whom we, personally, can find something pretty darned close to perfection. It’s called real love. So he’s fat and green with protruding tubular ears but a heart of gold? Go get him, princess!
Reinventing Romance: Dating to Date vs. Dating to Marry
Reinventing Romance: Dating to Date vs. Dating to Marry - 3/01/2007
According to a recent New York Times poll, 51 percent of women in 2005 reported they live without a spouse. Census data from that same year finds that older widows and divorced women often don’t opt for remarriage. Karen Gail Lewis, marriage and family therapist and author of the self-help book, With or Without a Man: Single Women Taking Control of Their Lives, has said, "One reason many older women don’t get married again is they have been through marriage and don’t want to start over with a new man and relationship that may not be good."
Beth, a 48-year-old Philadelphia banker, phrases it this way: "I’ve been married and I’ve been single and single is better." She elaborates, "I’ve already had my kids, money isn’t an issue, and my friends are an incredible support system. For me, men are the whipped cream."
Still, not all mature single girls are just out to have fun. Lisa, a Boston-based marketing executive admits wistfully, "I have enjoyed a fairly successful career but at 40 I would give this all up in a minute to turn the clock back and focus on my MRS."
Clearly, then, it’s not a one-dating-style-fits-all scenario. "Looking for love is a lifestyle choice just as staying single is," says Ronnie Ann Ryan, author of MANifesting Mr. Right: It’s Never Too Late to Find the Love You Want (www.nevertoolate.biz). The Connecticut dating coach adds, "Neither is better than the other — they both have pros and cons."
Understand Your Motivation
The trick is to be in control. Understand your motivations, or else risk being driven by a vast miasma of subconscious needs. Dr. Judy Kuriansky, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dating, 3rd Edition suggests, "Ask friends that you trust and who know your history for feedback about how you’re conducting your dating life. This can help you sort things out."
For example, eight years after an acrimonious divorce, Shana still found herself "running from men who seemed like relationship material." The 43-year-old Los Angeles casting director said, "On the outside my life was enviable — lots of partying with actors and musicians who cringed as I did at mention of the ‘C’ word. But I found myself crying myself to sleep night after night." Shana’s closest friend asked her, "Do you know you still talk about the night you found out Bill was cheating? It was devastating but maybe it’s time to let it go."
Shana finally entered therapy to deal with her long-buried feelings of betrayal and loss. "The only person I’m dating these days is myself. I need a man break to figure out who I am and what I want."
Debbi, a 50-year-old divorced New York social worker has come back strong after a six-month self-imposed man break. "I was never a dater; for me it was a serious relationship or nothing. I viewed every man as a potential marriage partner. I’m intense to begin with so you can imagine the amount of pressure I put out. Guys would run for the hills."
She has come to realize that her life works as is. "I adopted a child on my own. I’m happy. Actually I think it would be hard to fit a man into my daily routine." Nowadays she dates to date. "I’m juggling three men. I’m not sleeping with any of them but it all feels exciting and fun." She laughs, "I think the ideal is being a ‘mistress’ to an unmarried man — you just see each other a few days a week so it never gets stale."
While keeping herself in an attachment-free emotional state is healthier and less off-putting than her former ‘must marry, must marry’ mantra, in her heart of hearts does Debbi still long for intimacy? Can there be a happy medium?
Dr. Kuriansky says, "Even if your agenda is ultimately to find the one, having a casual, nonjudgmental attitude toward men allows you to lower your expectations, thus suffering fewer disappointments. And you’re more appealing than when you clutch."
Plus, you can better enjoy a date in the moment if you’re not obsessing about the future. Pam has found a balance. The 41-year-old divorced Chicago computer consultant says, "I’d rather be home with a good book than on a bad date. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to meet a wonderful companion. I’m willing to see if a relationship has potential but I’m not crushed if it doesn’t. I won’t twist myself into a pretzel trying to turn Mr. Inappropriate into Mr. Right."
For many women, trying to maintain a casual mind-set becomes difficult once sex enters the room. Debbi, the divorced social worker, reveals how she was able to shift from pouring herself whole-heartedly into every new relationship. "I bought a vibrator. It’s easy to enjoy uncommitted dating now that I can take care of business at home!"
For help answering your toughest dating-related questions, e-mail Sherry at DatingExpert@More.com and your question might be featured in an upcoming column.
Looking for love? Turn to the Internet
By Donna Porstner
Staff Writer
June 15, 2007
NORWALK - A decade ago, Ronnie Ann Ryan was an SWF seeking an S/DWM.
There were heartaches - not to mention mistakes - but she made it down the aisle and parlayed the lessons learned into a second career as a personal public relations guru and dating coach.
In "Successful Web Dating," a new, noncredit course at Norwalk Community College, the motivational matchmaker uses her 20 years of marketing experience to help singles advertise their best assets.
For $25, Ryan offers tips on how to write a profile that will appeal to the opposite sex, along with a crash course in Internet etiquette and some general dating dos and don’ts.
The two-hour course is geared toward women who have never tried online dating, or haven’t been able to find Love Lane while cruising the information superhighway.
"It’s a great way to jump-start your love life," Ryan said. "How else could you connect with so many people so fast?" .
Ryan, who met her husband while on a dating blitz after her 40th birthday, tells students leery of meeting strangers they only know by a screen name and a photo that it’s more information than she had nine years ago, when friends set her up on blind dates and she placed personal ads in newspapers.
"If you think the Internet is freaky, all we had was 26 words and a voice mail," Ryan said.
True to the course description, Ryan, a boisterous brunette who keeps the mood light with humorous tales from her days in the singles scene, gives her students tips about how to write a captivating profile that people will actually read.
A common mistake, she said, is that women often write as if they are looking for someone who has the exact same interests as they do, which is only going to attract other women.
"The important thing when you write your ad - having been in the advertising business -Êis understanding who is going to read your ad," Ryan told the 15 students in her first class Wednesday night. "No guy is going to say, ‘This babe likes ballet -ÊI’m calling her!’ "
She instructs her students never to lie - not even a little fib about their age - but suggests they omit some information that potential suitors might not find appealing, such as their love for typically feminine pastimes, like operas and musicals. Once they fall in love with you, then you can drag them to the theater, she said.
Ryan also warns students not to go on about their children. "Whether you are a man or a woman, you want to know you have a shot at No. 1," she says. Students also are encouraged to avoid buzz words like "open-minded" or "adventurous" that could have different, sexual connotations.
"You don’t want to be ‘adventurous,’ because men see trapezes," Ryan says.
She encouraged students to display a little personality in their profiles, noting it will help them stand out from the millions of other contestants in the dating game.
"People don’t know what to say about themselves, so it’s like laundry lists," Ryan said. "They all like walks on the beach, dinners out and movies, and they sound like 99 percent of other people."
Like most of her classes -ÊRyan also teaches "It’s Never to late to Meet Mr. Right," and "Charm School: Learn How to be Charming, Entertaining and Popular" at NCC - the students in the Web dating course are mostly female. Fourteen women and one man attended the first class.
Lynn Boyar, NCC’s director of special programming, said the school had had inquiries about Web dating courses in the past so administrators were eager to oblige when Ryan pitched it as a class.
Now that it’s commonplace to find a date in cyberspace, Boyar said a how-to class just seemed like a good complement to the school’s noncredit offerings, which also include art, foreign language and music courses, among others.
"We are here to serve the community for both their professional and their personal life," she said. "People are searching for ways to meet other people and Web dating is a viable option for a way to meet people today."
The class attracted Lisa McGuire, 45, of Stamford, who signed up to get help with her online dating profile.
"I never know what to write," she said.
McGuire, who moved from the Midwest to Greenwich 20 years ago to work as a nanny, said she has a hard time meeting men because most of her friends are married and most of her co-workers are women.
"Sometimes I think if I stayed in Nebraska, I might be married with a couple of kids because it’s just so busy and hectic and hard to meet people," she said.
Kathie O’Donnell of Milford, whose husband died 18 years ago, worked up the courage to enroll in Ryan’s course after years of prodding from her friends and family to try Internet dating.
"I have all sorts of cheerleaders behind me but I haven’t dated anybody since I was widowed," she said.
Norwalk resident Aimee Millette, 38, said her friends were curious when she told them she enrolled in the class. Some asked her to take copious notes and report back on what she learned.
"They were intrigued, but they didn’t want to participate themselves," she said.
Millette said she knows of friends who have found their match online - including one couple that married last year - and figured she would get some pointers before trying it herself.
Online dating seems like a good idea because it’s the easiest way to meet a large volume of eligible bachelors, she said.
"It’s all a numbers game," Millette said.
Copyright © 2007, Southern Connecticut Newspapers, Inc.
June 2007 - Kiss Tell Newsletter
Greetings!
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Wishing You Love,
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INSPIRATION: Horseshoe Crabs & The Natural Process of Finding a Mate
The other night I was walking along the beach in the moon light, just at the water’s edge and noticed a few odd bumps – that were moving! Turns out this is the time of year that horseshoe crabs mate. At first I thought – "Get a room!" How silly – they’re just crabs doing something completely natural.
So how is it that we humans now encounter such difficulties in finding a good mate when it should be a completely natural process? It’s starts with being single in mid-life, a time when we have grown accustomed to our own ways of doing things. And we have baggage – love history from previous relationships gone wrong. All this and many other factors contribute to a vast adult single population who is lonely and sometimes apathetic about even looking for love.
But let’s think back to the crabs. For them, finding a mate seems so much simpler and easier. How do horseshoe crabs find each other attractive? Well they probably have far fewer "must haves" than we do. Or maybe they’re just more open-minded. Hard to say. The question is – can we learn from our frisky friends?
I believe we can and here are four perspectives about dating and potential partners that might help loosen up some of the strict criteria that actually keeps people single.
1. Cut prospects some slack. What if you relax and just try getting to know a few new people? Often people will surprise you if you give them a chance. Open up and allow a man or woman who is less than perfect into your world long enough to see if there is any merit, rather than shutting the door with a snap judgment.
2. When you see the opposite sex walking down the street, do you think critical thoughts or friendly thoughts? Who knows why human nature usually resorts to critical thinking, but chances are strong your heart is not open to those you pass by when you are usually critical. (Sometimes this is appropriate, but not always.) Try letting go of some criticism, and imagine what might make that person who passes by a good catch? Let your guard down a bit to make connecting more possible.
3. Think well of yourself. It’s been said many times, if you want to be treated with respect, respect yourself first. That’s good advice. Take care of and treasure yourself. Get a new hair cut, buy some new clothes, eat well, walk with good posture; head up and shoulders back. Work on your self esteem to know you are worthy of love and a good relationship. Someone would be darn lucky to have you!
4. Keep your expectations in check. If one prospect doesn’t work out, move on! The world is well populated with options for you, so don’t cry too long over the one who got away. This is especially true when you’ve had a brief relationship or one that didn’t quite materialize. Too often people get all tied up in just being rejected at first email contact on dating sites. There are millions of people on those sites. Move on to someone better!
Of course, I’m not sure, but I do think that the horseshoe crabs live and mate by these concepts. (I’m not sure how much \ thinking crabs do, just go with it. Hey. Maybe that’s actually the best advice anyway.) Animals are naturally open to opportunities, think positively, know they are worthy and move on when rejected to find a better partner. Give it a try and take advantage of this glorious weather and the best time of year to find your own mate. Chances are very strong that you’ll be happy you did.
DATING BLOG: Four Women Who are Not the Cast from Sex & the City
Do you read blogs? I never have until last week. I thought I’d find a lot of dating advice from other coaches like me. Nope. What I did find was a large number of sites written by one person, airing out the details of her romantic life (I only looked at the women). Yeah, I kept a dating diary, but no one ever read it! Am I dating myself so to speak? Chronologically of course – any other idea is just plain silly
These bloggers spill the beans openly; the nitty-gritty details of romance good or bad are there in cyber print for all to read! The MySpace generation, which seems to be spanning more than a generation at this point, is verbal, vocal, tell all and not concerned much about privacy. If you like reading real life gossip, trashy romance novel-like entries and have time on your hands – search and read a few of these blogs – it will be quite a trip!
www.justanotherman.blogspot.com
This one has been written by four women who have named themselves the antithesis of each Sex & the City character. That’s right not Miranda, not Carrie, not Samantha and not Charlotte. If you’re bored – visit and laugh – plenty of whining about - you guessed it men in NYC.
Here are two more:
www.charmingbutsingle.com
www.grinsnadlaughter.com
I’m jumping on the blog band wagon too very soon, something to stay tuned for. Until then, happy blogging!
OK, this looks like fun – a singles boomer kayak trip sponsored by the
If you are a green lifestyle supporter, look into www.greenfriends.com You’ll have similar values and preferences that’s for sure.
This is BBQ season. Look in your newspaper’s calendar section or look online for singles event listing – even try Craig’s List to find these seasonal opportunities, find a friend and go! BBQ = Best Boyfriends Quickly (Guys, I know you change this acronym to be gender specific yourselves) Stop groaning and get going!
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