7/30/2007 – Reinventing Romance: Dating Standards Out of Whack?
Dating expert Sherry Amatenstein
Q. I’m 51, a single mother of two teens. I feel all I do is work and drive, flying by the seat of my pants to get things accomplished. Please do not misinterpret this as complaining. But time is a precious commodity. How do I use what little of it I have to find available quality men? I’ve tried online dating, bars, lectures, church — nothing works! In the past I’ve poured energy and emotion into relationships that fizzled because I felt I was the only one bringing something to the table.
Does seeking a "quality" man mean my standards are out of whack? I’m not a "trophy woman" but hardworking and self-supporting. Is it wrong to look for educated, confident, settled men who know how to treat a lady?
– Allison
A. Obviously you lead a busy, stressful life and the optimum outcome would be for a "quality" man to just fall into your lap. And while you’re placing your order, dial up a non-Scientology-practicing Tom Cruise for me! Seriously, I’m not suggesting you lower your expectations — no one should ever settle for a less-than-worthy man. But consider regarding some of those "non-negotiable" traits with a little elasticity.
For example, is it imperative that your future partner have a college degree? Ronnie Ann Ryan, author of MANifesting Mr. Right: It’s Never Too Late to Find the Love You Want, puts it this way: "Perfection won’t keep you warm at night, and neither will an education." Ryan adds, "Lack of a degree doesn’t mean a man isn’t intelligent, well read, a good earner or that he isn’t up on current events and can’t hold his half of a stimulating conversation." Often, blue-collar guys who haven’t been schooled in competing with women in the workplace hold a magna cum laude in how to, as you put it, treat a lady.
More grist for the man-meeting mill: Expand your horizons. Try different venues. Joshua Estrin, author of Shut Up! and Listen to Yourself, affirms, "Good and single men eat, so they also grocery shop. And they exercise. And don’t rule out flea markets, seminars, volunteer groups."
And don’t give up. He is out there, lying in wait. Pat Pickett, nearing 50 and single for most of her adult life recalls, "Most of my dating experiences have been the stuff of trashy summer novels. I’ve named them — ‘The Felon,’ ‘The Thanksgiving Dumper.’" But, as the cliche goes, just when you’ve stopped looking up, an apple falls on your head. The Indianapolis publicist says, "Out of the blue, totally not man hunting, I e-mailed a congratulatory note to a former high school teacher who was retiring — his first year of teaching was my freshman year." He e-mailed back. They went for coffee and seven months later are sharing a lot more than java.
Lastly, here’s a sentiment to raise a glass to. MANifesting Mr. Right author Ryan says, "It’s not where do you meet men, but who are you when you meet them? Is your heart open? Do you make a man feel good so he wants to be with you? Are you friendly and approachable, even outgoing? Do you flirt?"
Just as there are good women available, good available men exist as well. Like the lottery jingle goes — you have to be in it to win it. So keep rolling the dice and eventually your number will come up.
Dating Over 40: Most Men Want to Pay
What’s the top question women ask me about dating? Well, after "Where can I find a decent guy?" the most common question is – "Who pays on the first date?"
Now I’m no longer dating (since I am happily married.) But this was an unusual week because I did a lot of networking. Six one-on-one sessions, plus two big events. The biggest surprise is what happened when the bill came at the two lunches and three coffee dates.
The big shocker – four out of five men paid! I took out my cash (after all these weren’t dates – if you know me, you know I don’t believe in a woman paying on the first date) but it was harshly refused in the four instances when the men paid. Each man strongly insisted that I "Put it away."
The fifth guy said – "You want to split it?" Of course I did. I was totally ready and willing to pay my share. After all, this is business.
I started to think about all the women I’ve spoken with about this topic. Women who insist they must at least offer to pay. But 4 out of 5 gentlemen looked at me like I was crazy to pull out my wallet. And to Mike, Matt, Stu and Jeff, let me publicly say – THANK YOU. Thank you for reinforcing my belief that men want to treat women well. That men expect to pay. That men WANT TO PAY. In fact, I believe it makes them FEEL GOOD TO PAY.
Who are these guys? Well, of the Payers, four are married and between 40-60 and one is a single 23 year old. (I thought he was 28.) Mr. Split-the-Check is in his early 50′s and single and he’s the one who knows me best.. Go figure?
With this new experience in hand, I want to reinforce and once again recommend that for women on a first date - keep it in your purse – your wallet that is. No need to whip out the cash at the end of a meal or coffee. Relax. Because if he wants you to pay your way – he’ll have no trouble letting you know that.
Honestly, it was nice to be treated like a lady out there in the world at large. Can I please encourage you to try it? Go ahead. Make your day (and his) and LET HIM PAY. I think its pretty clear, 4 out of 5 men prefer it that way.
Dating Over 40: Confessions of a Matchmaker
Have you watched the new reality show called Confessions of a Matchmaker? It’s on A&E at 10pm(est) Saturday nights. (Interesting program timing huh?)
Patti Novak, a Buffalo, NY matchmaker tells how she sees it. When discussing dates with her clients, she shares her ideas and advice in a pretty direct way. Even if clients squirm or deny what she talks about – she persists until they pay attention.
While the show unfortunately isn’t all that exciting – partly because it is real life people rather than star quality types or scripted stuff, Patti does dish out sound, practical, honest advice that has a strong ring of truth.
I know you’re out most Saturday nights having fun, meeting new people and enjoying your friends. But what the heck? Set your VCR to record and watch it some other time.
You will get clued into flaws and struggles of other singles which might just touch on something you’ve been wondering about yourself.
Want to find out more? Visit A&E on the web
Dating Over 40: Get Off the Bitter-Bus!
Talking with Kelly from MA this morning writing her online dating profile. She was telling me about a friend of hers who is on the Bitter-Bus. What ? I never heard of that before. What a descriptive euphemism for being down on dating.
When you are negative about the singles’ scene, you actually sabotage your prospects. Being happy, positive and open, are much better qualities. Here’s a few tips to get you off the bitter bus and on to finding someone new and better:
1) When you catch yourself saying negative things about dating and men, wake up! Stop yourself at the moment you realize the bus is rolling and you are on it. Change the subject you are talking about or move on to happier thoughts.
2) Don’t put down the attempts your friends or family are making to meet new people. Be supportive instead because you’d like to see them happy – wouldn’t you?
3) Don’t assume because you tried a particular singles event or meeting method one time, that you’ll have the same poor results if you try again. It could happen, but you could also meet someone, so give yourself a break.
4) Some one else’s good luck at finding a mate is evidence that it’s still possible for you too! Instead of feeling like other people are luckier than you are, why not think "If that person can find someone, so can I!"
5) Generalities hurt you. Not all men (or women) are liars, cheats, non-committal, etc. There are always exceptions to every rule and who even says that this poor behavior is a rule? Everyone is not the same – thankfully or we’d all like the same man (or woman) – Yikes, what horrible thought that is!
Stop riding the bus. Follow any of these steps to shift gears and your attitude which will improve your chances of finding the love you want.
Dating Over 40: He’s Not “My” Type
Do you meet men, but none of them are right for you?
Do the men you date have similar issues or patterns?
This week I had a client who said she didn’t meet many men who interested her. When women say this, I always ask if they have a "type." Dana denied it. "Nope, I don’t have a type of man." Well maybe she just couldn’t really describe him .
So I asked more questions (what any good coach does) Turns out Dana certainly does have a type. Having grown up in the 60′s, she likes liberal-hearted men.
Next, I asked what she had discovered as the problem with her type of guy. Once again, Dana denied any problems. "Nope – they have nothing in common." she remarked. Digging deeper, Dana and I discovered that the liberal men she finds most attractive, have commitment issues!
I bring this up for any woman who:
1) Claims she doesn’t meet men who she finds interesting
2) Claims that the men she meets aren’t her "type"
3) Claims that her type of man doesn’t have similar relationship issues
If you have a "type" chances are strong that when you look back – your "type" may create the strongest attraction for you, but not the strongest relationships.
When a client calls me to say, "I’m dating a new guy and he is SO different than most of the men I’ve dated." I give a little cheer and feel highly optimistic. More often than not, this is the relationship that sticks! So think about it next time you go out to meet people. Push past your type to see who might be a far better, longer lasting and less problematic match for you.
Happy Hunting!
Dating Over 40: Refuse to Date Short Men?
Do you have height issues about men? The take a look at this blog entry written by Terry MacDonald, a great friend and dating expert too.
Dating Over 40: Stop Looking at Me!
Yesterday, one of my clients complained about men who look at her. These are men she isn’t thrilled with. She wanted to know how to get them to stop looking at her "like that."
I explained that if she really thinks about it – she wants them to look. The last thing you want is for no men to look at you, right? When men look at women, they acknowledge your attractiveness, your allure, your beauty. Otherwise they wouldn’t be looking.
Now I realize you might not like all the guys who look at you, or the way they look at you. So what? Honestly ,what can you do about that? Be angry and tell the guy to "buzz off?" I’m not sure that’s productive.
Instead – why not appreciate the fact that these men are appreciating you? It’s the truth. You don’t have to talk to them, date them or marry them. But you can be thankful for the evidence of your attractiveness they have shared with you.
OK, this may sound silly. But one thing I can tell you for sure, is that when you are thankful (internally not verbally) you send out a message of thanks to the Universe. And that is very attractive and highly magnetic. Think of Sarah Bernbach’s book, Simple Abundance – she’s all about being grateful.
Well guess, what – the grateful attitude works here too. And I have many clients who agree.
So the next time a man looks you up and down and you get angry or skeevy, think again. Remember this is evidence of your allure. Say thank you in your mind and walk away feeling really good about yourself. After all, some guy would be darn lucky to be dating you.
Dating Over 40: MORE about Dating at 50+
I made it to MORE.com! To see my comments on dating over 50, visit
Sherry wrote a great article – check it out!
Dating Over 40: One Smile Does Not Make You a Flirt
I must divulge that technology and I are not the best of friends – glitches kept me from posting the minute the blog went live. Hmmm, that gives me pause to think. How do I react when I hit an immediate road block? this time I decided to focus on other things because there was absolutely nothing I could do until Monday.
How do you handle road blocks? Do you give up immediately? Do you get more determined and try again? Do you blame someone else?
Think about this in terms of your dating life. If you smile at a guy and he ignores you – will that be the last man you ever smile at? Will you quit flirting altogether? Do you turn to find another man to smile at? Do you think – well, there are plenty of other fish in the sea?
In my group coaching call last night a couple of women said they had tried flirting without success. I pressed for more info. How many times had they tried? One admitted to a single attempt and the other had three experiences. Is that enough to decide their flirting muscles were permanently atrophied? Yet this is what they both accepted as truth and gave up.
I ask you to please hold off on feeling discouraged. You can always go there later. Instead imagine how active your love life could be if you moved on quickly from disappointment to find new exciting opportunities?
Smile at the next cute fellow. Chat with the guy at the cleaners. Tease the man in the produce aisle. Life may be short, but your flirting options are uncountable when you allow it to be just what it is. Not a guaranteed response from a man, but an opportunity to spread cheer, be friendly and potentially make someone’s day.
Flirting is a gift for the one receiving your attention and also a gift to yourself. Because you feel happy when you make someone else happy. Spontaneous connections are fun! When you relax and get into the spirit of flirting – you can’t avoid the fun!
Dating Over 40: Discover a Man’s Perspective on Dating
Here’s your Daily Dose of Dating Advice-
Meet John Follis. He’s an award-winning Madison Avenue ad guy, 52, good looking, been married and in a few long-term relationships. Let’s say that John has done his share of dating and he shares his views on the Internet and more in the second interview of the Decoding Dating series.
Seems John has some surprising insight into dating and a rather creative way of expressing himself. Well, he is in advertising right? Here are a few highlights…
- His thoughts on why men take your number but don’t call
- Why your feelings about the weather reveal quite a bit about your personality
- The difference between high hopes and high expectations
- How women tend to force-fit, while men tend to play the numbers
- Why the busy bee is a turn off
- When body language tells more of the story that words
- "Life is Cake" philosophy and how that makes you far more attractive
It’s a great interview – one you don’t want to miss. John’s wisdom has application for anyone dating today. No snap answers – John will give you a new perspective on a few aspects of dating that will shift your experience for the better.
Want to know more? Visit Decoding Dating
