Dating After Divorce: I Don’t Have Baggage, Just a Small Overnight Case

Let’s talk about baggage! 

Baggage can be many things to many people.  Here’s a list, but I’m sure some things will be left out:
1) Children from a previous marriage
2) Hurt from bitter divorce
3) Hurt and trust issues from a cheating partner
4) Hurt from previous unpleasant dating experiences
5) Money/credit issues from previous marriage
6) Large child support or alimony payments

But relationship luggage can also include:
7) Parental issues
Self-esteem and image issues
9) Work/career issues
10) Health problems

And your suitcases may also contain:
11) Poor outlook on life
12) Negativity about love-dating-men, etc.

Whew – that’s a whole lot of baggage! Like something you might see at the airport.

The truth is everyone has problems.  From a Zen perspective, everyone has 88 problems, and when you are lucky enough to get rid of one, another appears!  Well, that’s great. So what can be done to minimize the stuff you carry around?

We are made from the totality of our experiences – this is true.  But how we LOOK at these experiences is what truly matters. That’s why #11 and 12 are the biggest bags of all – more like steamer trunks. For example, let’s say you have a bitter divorce.  That’s horrible -nobody should have to live through.  But you did. So how can you LIVE AND LEARN? What did you discover you will never want to put up with again? What signs would you pay attention to next time? Learning experiences can change you in a positive way, not just add to your negativity.

If you’re negative about love or life – that IS baggage. Don’t kid yourself into thinking this is not one of the 88 problems. And it’s the kind of baggage that screams like a neon sign across your forehead.  I’ve been there so I know.  (Like the guy says from the Hair Club for Men – I’m not only the president, I’m also a client.)

The best thing you can do is embark on a mission to re-train your brain.  There are several productive and healthy methods to do this such as NLP, traditional therapy, hypnosis, energy balancing and healing, listening to Esther Hicks’ Abraham material, prayer, watching the SECRET video, positive self-talk and affirmations.  That’s just a partial list. Sometimes we need a cocktail of multiple options!

In my book, MANifesting Mr. Right chapters 6 and 28 are about opening your heart and broken heart repair. You might find what’s in there helpful too.

Start somewhere. Anywhere. Once you start your climb back up the attitude ladder, you will feel more optimistic, and that will increase your attractive powers dramatically.  The rewards for this healing work are plentiful and it’s well worth the trouble.

 

 

 

Dating After Divorce: Reality TV – Scott Baio on VH1

So I just got clued into this TV show on VH1 called Scott Baio is 45 and Single.

From what I can tell, Scott has been working with a love coach or therapist called Doc Ali to figure out what he wants.   He has a girlfriend and apparently was trying to decide if he wanted to get married or stay single. In today’s episode, he’s looking at diamonds.  Here’s my favorite part – he’s with his friend looking at rocks that are $131,000 and is a bit freaked by that ticket price.  After all he could buy a Ferrari for that amount of cash.

So he says, "Why not just get her the chromium zucchini and be done with it – she’ll never know the difference."

Well they always say truth is stranger than fiction – chromium zucchini – he meant to say cubic zirconia!  He better hope she says yes!

Check out this link if you’re curious for VH1 Look for the VSpot

 

 

 

 

Dating Over 40: I Spy?

- Are you the jealous type? 
- Have you been known to google your date?
- Do you start worrying right away if the person you are dating is seeing others? 
- Do you check your date’s profile  for recent activity?

If you have done these things on occasion, well, you’re human.  But if you find yourself checking in on a consistent basis – oh oh.  You may have spy tendencies.  That’s not good.  Not good for you, not good for our date either.

Jealously can be a huge problem. It can often stem from a lack of self-confidence or unhappy past experiences.  But if you aren’t careful, you may 1) drive your date away or worse 2) drive yourself crazy!

Some people don’t start the spy routine during dating, but find themselves irrepressibly drawn to it once in the relationship.  This might include looking at bills that happen to be lying around on the table, checking emails, looking at the cell phone log, etc.  None of this is good because it can create and reinforce mistrust.  That can be a deep hole that’s hard to climb out of.

This has become a temptation today more than ever with all the technology available.  The Internet has taken our curiosity and sometimes transforms it into something more.  From checking a myspace page to looking in the computer’s cache, there is a trail to follow if you’re so inclined. The same is true for cell phones and caller ID – there are many ways to keep track of behavior.

So what’s a spy to do?  If you have a concern on occasion, and its based on evidence or someone getting caught in a lie, then address it directly with your partner.  But if this is a habit you can’t seem to kick, then may I suggest my favorite method for quickly shaking a bad habit  - DISTRACTION!

Come up with a list of at least five things you can do to distract yourself when the urge to spy gets overwhelming. Perhaps you call a friend, go for a walk, read a book, watch TV, hit the gym, do a little retail therapy. There are so many distractions in life – take advantage of them!

Of course, you may want to do some longer term work like talking with a professional if this habit has been a destructive force in your life.  But I’ll leave that up to you. Don’t ruin your relationships with spying.  Take steps now to shift this behavior  – there are much more pleasant ways to pass the day.

Dating Over 40: When is it OK to Roll in the Hay?

Just the other day one of my clients wanted to talk about sex.  She had questions about when it’s OK to become intimate.  We discussed the old saying "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Does this archaic way of looking at sex still hold true?  Do men still think this way? 

Well, it depends.  It depends on the man, the religious beliefs, the timing, and many other factors.  Very conservative folks say you should wait until marriage.  OK, but that might be easier said than done.  Others say men don’t respect women who sleep with them on the first date.  So those are the two ends of the spectrum - but there is a huge amount of gray area in between and that’s where most people reside.

So, I’ll be addressing you "gray area" folks. When is it OK to roll in the hay?  It’s a totally personal choice.  If you are a very emotional person and know that you get attached after having sex, then it might be wise to hold off and spend more time getting to know your date.  Really learn about each other and see if the person is worthy of your heart, mind and body.   If you are a more casual type who can separate sex and emotional attachment, you have more flexibility because you aren’t as concerned about the outcome or rejection.

Honestly, there is no one rule.  Although, according to many men, there is the Three Date Rule – the idea being that the third date is the most likely time for a first encounter.  But who said women are on board with this rule?

For the ladies, I say, make your own rules!  You know yourself and what works best better than anyone else does.  Ask for advice and you’ll get a wide range of opinions and probably get confused as well.  In truth, only one opinion matters and that is YOURS.

Do what feels right for you.  You want to put off having sex  – good for you.  You feel comfortable going for it earlier – that’s your choice too. 

Back to the original cow-buying question and first date hay rolling. How do you know which men don’t care if you’re "easy" and which men are a more traditional? Ahhh, that’s the catch. You don’t know until you get to know him better.  And that is why I feel waiting a while is just smart.  That gives you time for some good data gathering to find out who he is, what he believes and how you two are together.  You really can’t lose when you hold off if you are looking for a loving, lasting relationship. 

So how long is a while?  I have one client who read some where that you should wait 30 hours.  That’s in person time and phone calls count too.  Others think the fourth date is fine, or the six, or the tenth.  Of course how many hours are in one date and do you count all of them too?  Let’s not get crazy!

Why not choose a number of dates that seems like a long enough time for you and go from there. Make that part of your Dating Protocol and don’t re-decide each time you meet a new man. If you stick to your own rules, it makes life so much easier, reduces stress, and gives you an easy out because you can simply say, "I’m not ready yet."

One piece of advice I can give you is not to tell the man you are dating WHEN you will be ready.  This is a negotiating error of large proportions.  Some men might find it a fun challenge to hang in and wait just for the sake of it.  Instead, keep your deadline close to the vest.  That keeps the tension going and leaves you a mystery – most men love a good mystery, especially of this nature. For more tips about Dating Protocol, read chapters 20-30 in my book MANifesting Mr. Right: It’s Never Too Late to Find the Love You Want.

My wish for you is that you find a good guy the next time out and never have to worry or think about this again.  Wishing you love!

 

Dating Over 40: Pick Up Artist Summit This Weekend

OK, I just can’t help myself – a Global Pick Up Artist Summit?  Yes, its true! 

If you are looking for the fillet mignon of meat markets, this would have to be it.  This weekend in Hollywood (could it be anywhere else?) for the mere price of $349 general admission, you could attend this incredible event and learn from 150 of the best Pick Up Artists around.  Too bad my weekend is booked up.  But a virtual tour could be kind of entertaining…

Here’s the web site    Pick Up Artist Summit      

Not only can you attend their workshops, but guys can choose a guru and attend an evening boot camp with live demonstrations on the art of seduction.  I miss all the good stuff!

Dating Over 40: Time Magazine Says No to eHarmony

Sometimes I check around other coach’s blogs to see what they have to say.  And look what I found! 

Kathryn Lord spotted this article from Time Magazine which tells would be daters to avoid eHarmony!  On one hand I’m not surprised because I think their system is awkward and that most men over 40 won’t answer a questionnaire with 436 questions.

On the other hand, I am surprised that Time Magazine had an article about this topic.  But as I’ve been saying for years, dating is big business with so many single adults today – and the media responds to that with content. Now you can read an excerpt from Time Magazine to get the poop directly.

Let me know what you think and what your experience has been with eHarmony.

Dating Over 40: Baby Boomers – Encouragement for Dating Over 40

If you are a baby boomer, you might want to read this article about dating over 40.  Overall, it’s very positive with AARP statistics and comments from Dr. Pepper Schwartz of PerfectMatch. among others.

Here’s the link from a New Jersey paper the Courier News.  The comment I liked best was that when people date in their 50′s and 60′s they feel young again!

Let me know what you think!

Dating Over 40: Parting Has Never Been So…Lucrative?

Last night I went to a friend’s party.  At the end of the night a few people were still sitting around and the subject came up about my dating coaching business. Carla was talking about how over the years she has received some nice "Parting Gifts" from guys who broker up with her.

What?  I’ve never heard of this. Have any of you?

It seems that Carla, a good looking, very nice 45 year old single woman has been given three over her dating years. All provided as "consolation" by the guy breaking up with her.  Here’s what she got:
1) A Bianchi bicycle including helmet and pump
2) A Montblanc Pen – although not the model she desired, so the guy exchanged it so she could  have the click action instead!
3) Baccarat Crystal champagne glasses – which he gave her during dinner. He ordered a bottle of bubbly, poured it into the new glasses he gave her and toasted to the end of their relationship!

YIKES!

My breakups never looked like that – have yours? Maybe some screaming, crying, slamming down of telephone receivers. Maybe some avoidance, an exchange of belongings via boxes left outside the door.  But usually ugliness.  What’s up with the gift giving?

I don’t think Carla has made a "career" out of collecting these consolation prizes – like a contestant on a game show who doesn’t make it to round two. But this "happy ending" didn’t happen to her once or twice but THREE TIMES.  To tell you the truth, I’m not sure I’d want a nice parting gift – the more to remember him by – yuck! 

I must admit these three fellows did exit stage left with  style.  A champagne toast to the end of a relationship – honestly – I just don’t know what to say…Had it happened to me, the likelihood that bubbly would have been spit back in his face out of pure shock is mighty high.  It’s almost like a movie scene – perhaps something from Entourage on HBO.

OK, I get the assuaging of a man’s guilt with expensive gifts – softening the blow maybe. But it’s a new one on me.  If anyone has RECEIVED or for that matter GIVEN goodbye goodies, please let me know.  Thanks!

Dating Over 40: What’s Up This Weekend? Going Out or Hiding Out?

Do you have big plans for the weekend? Some people pack their weekends with activity.  Some have loose plans and still others totally play it by ear. None of these choices are right or wrong.  But if you are single and serious about looking for love, then what steps will you take towards that goal?

Since it’s August, you may have a beach party or summer BBQ to attend.  Perhaps you want to take a long bike ride, go kayaking, or play golf.  Any of these options could provide a way to meet new prospects. Go for it!

Here’s what you don’t want to do – hide out.  One of my clients this week admitted that she often avoids the whole thing by entertaining herself or hanging out with girlfriends.  These alternatives are fine – but they will not help you achieve her goal of finding a long-term, loving relationship.

The desire to hide out is understandable. It feels easier to just live the life  you know then risk getting out there and being rejected or not meeting anyone new.  But if you really think about it – the risk of hiding out is far greater than the risk of rejection.  How? Because getting rejected is a quick experience in this moment, then it ‘s over. Hiding out impacts your future!

There are a lot of emotional reasons why you may prefer to hide out.  And that is most certainly your choice.  But if you truly desire love, then you will have to find a way out of non-dating inertia.  Chances are strong the first few times you venture out, it will be because you forced yourself to go.  But a funny thing is likely to happen after three to five times out.  You might start having fun. You might find yourself enjoying meeting new people. You never know who you will meet or who might connect you to "the one."

That’s my story.  I went out one fateful happy hour to meet my friend Carol.  Unbeknownst to me, she had invited five other women to meet us at the outdoor patio bar.  When I got there and saw the flock of females, I got very angry.  But then I had to get myself back in line, relax and go with the flow. 

Within 30-minutes of talking with these women, it was easy to see who was fun.  I had never met Maureen before but we hit if off.  I was telling my dating stories and before I knew it Maureen said – "My brother would love you. Can I give him your number?"  Well, one thing led to another and now I’ve been married to Paul, Maureen’s brother for over 7 years.

If you want to find love, hiding out is not a productive choice.  Once in a while everyone deserves to hide out.  Just don’t make it your usual practice.  Prince Charming or whomever he is, is unlikely to come knocking on your door.  You’re going to have to leave your home and go to some public place for him to find you. Are you willing to meet him half way? Why not help the guy and get out there tonight?

Dating Over 40: Do You Have the Sex-Kitten Curse?

Some women are just born sexy.  They can’t help it and often they don’t try – they just are.  It’s in their very nature.  But it’s not a guarantee for dating or relationship success.  In fact, it can actually be a curse!

I know you are probably thinking, "I should be so cursed."  But the key here isn’t just attracting men – it’s attracting the "right" men.  One of my clients is a good looking woman, 37, medium build.  She’s not drop dead gorgeous or even model beautiful.  But she’s VERY HOT.

What is it that makes her so alluring?  Not her clothing which is  flattering, but not outrageous.  No Fredericks of Hollywood. The root of her allure is her body language more than anything else.  Her underlying inner knowing that she has serious sex appeal.  When you look at her picture, she oozes appeal.  It’s in her eyes – a certain look that cannot be denied. And men want her. 

Unfortunately, not the right men. She continues to meet plenty of guys, but there’s a catch. They seem to have a similar "agenda."  And frankly, she’s tired of it.  So what’s a kitten to do to find her man?

Here’s what I suggested. BELIEVE you are worthy of love.  BELIEVE  there is a good man out there for you.  BELIEVE that you can attract a solid prospect based on who you are as a person, not just as a kitten. Let these beliefs soak into your subconscious mind because that is the place from which your messages to the Universe are formulated.

Think about it – the process is the same as for a woman who feels she’s not attractive enough.  The truth is the kitten curse is the exact flip side of thinking you are not at all appealing.  And neither thought is true.  For women who are hold either self-image or perspective, the focus requires believing that LOVE IS POSSIBLE FOR YOU!

Whatever you look like, remember there really is someone for everyone who wants to make the effort to find a loving partner.  Attractive women can have just as difficult a time finding love as any woman does.  Looks aren’t always an advantage. 

If you have the kitten curse, spend time reminding yourself that you are desirable for other qualities beyond being sexy.  Each one of you is a unique woman with your own special gifts.  Once you know deep inside that this is true, that is the body language and message you will undoubtedly send out to the Universe. And, the Universe will answer with better quality men to date.

 

Dating Over 40: Captivating Conversation – How to Avoid Being Boring

Are you boring?  Who would answer "Yes" to that question? Most people don’t think of themselves as boring and luckily, most people aren’t.  But does that automatically make you intriguing?  Hmmmmm…

When you go out to meet new people, what do you talk about?  Do you discuss work, family,  the weather? How do you feel when someone new starts talking about his/her work -life? Riveted? Spellbound? Captivated?  Probably not.  It’s true, these are the easiest topics and a good way to start a conversation. But will it be memorable or leave a man curious about you, wanting to know more? Not likely.

Boring is often nice, polite, non-descript, bland, everyday, expected, caring and nurturing. Please don’t start taking care of him right from the word go.  Acting like his therapist and care-taking will not get you date number one.

So what’s the solution to mundane conversation?  Don’t talk about mundane topics! Duh right?

When I studied coaching, we were given many exercises to become more curious and ask thought provoking questions. The good news is, anyone can use these techniques.  When you do, you won’t be boring!  Instead you’ll have the possibility of getting into fascinating conversations or drawing someone out to really discover who they are.

There are three different methods and often you might end up using both in one conversation.

METHOD A
#1 – Find out what the other person’s passions are.  For example, ask what was his favorite vacation ever. Or find out about the person’s hobbies.  Maybe he’s involved with a particular cause. When you tap into the passion , the conversation will have enthusiasm and energy and you will see him literally come alive. Often the excitement shared has a contagious affect, causing you both to become animated.

#2 – Really listen to what he is saying and follow the train of thought to get more details.  Ask why he likes Bermuda or soccer, how he got interested, and what future plans he may have about the topic. This is how you start connecting on a deeper level and get past the superficial.

METHOD B
#1 – Know what you are passionate about and have your responses ready.  When you ask a man questions like this, after a while, the tables might turn and he might ask you the same question.  Be prepared with your own answers so you’re not caught off guard.

#2 – If a man asks how you are, be ready with an unusual response and have a story about something interesting or unusual that just happened to you. Not too long, you have enough details to be understood, but not overwhelm.  Leave something unsaid so he can ask you questions too.

METHOD C
#1 Be playful , use your sense of humor, and verbally tease.  This can be very exciting and terribly fun. It involves great banter, some social risk taking, feeling confident and leveraging your clever nature.  You might not answer questions directly, add a sly little smile to the end of a sentence, or say things just to get a reaction.  The amount of social risk you take will be up to you.

Overall, the idea is to reach that level of conversation where you are both involved and excited – because this is a way to leave someone wanting to know more.  When you talk about the unexpected, you shake people up and stand apart from the crowd. That’s what makes you memorable and intriguing.  That’s what will make him think about you later, feel curious, and motivated to call – so he can see you again.  

Next time you’re out at a social event – experiment with these techniques.  Don’t wait for the perfect man!  Try this with women, family or any guy at the party or networking event.  See what works for you and how fun it can be! Practice makes you’ll feel a lot more comfortable and capable of taking these social risks once you’ve done it a few times.

Dating Over 40: The First eMail – What Do I Say?

You finally posted a profile online.  Congratulations!  You look around for people to contact.  But what should you say?  Here are a few tips that will get you started.

1) Less is better.  Don’t go on and on. Don’t ask too many questions. Don’t write more then 2-4 sentences.  Remember – short and sweet.  There’s a whole lot of email going on and no one wants to be overwhelmed or barraged.

2) Write something engaging!  Ask a question about something in the profile – that proves you read it. (or parts of it.)  Get a conversation started. Pretend you are sitting across from the person – what would you ask? The more conversational, the more fun and engaging.

3) Keep it light and easy.  don’t get all heavy or deep.  Don’t grill or interrogate the person.  This isn’t the interview yet – it’s the audition to make the first cut.  See if you can just have a few fun emails before you get all data- oriented looking for key compatibility traits.  There’s plenty of time for that.

Here’s an example.  One client had a guy email her who wanted to go right to a phone conversation.  She wasn’t sure about that – wanting to do a few emails first.  And she didn’t know how to deflect the phone invitation in favor of email first.

I asked what his profile said – we went and looked together. Turns out he mentions a broken wrist making typing hard.  Well yeah, that explains a lot.  Still she wanted to get a few emails going even if they were short ones.

Here are a few of my suggestions:
-Ask him how his wrist is doing
-Ask if anyone famous has signed his cast yet?
-Ask if he’s ambidextrous
-Ask if his personal assistant does his email for him?

It doesn’t take much to be a little funny, entertaining or engaging.
When you make it fun to read and answer, you are much more likely to get a response!

 

 

Dating Over 40: How Do I Decide What Advice to Follow?

Do you get overwhelmed or confused by too much advice?  Is it hard to know which advice to follow? I had this problem when I was dating and still encounter it regarding other situations in my life.  Sometimes too much information can just paralyze me.  Other times rehashing and thinking of new solutions drains my energy rather then making things better.

So what’s another option?

First – just stop.  Stop asking for insight, getting advice, and collecting information.  All too often, more data is not a good thing.

Second, relax and breathe.  Then ask yourself  "Of all the options or ways to proceed, what feels best to me?"

Third, sit with that solution for a few minutes.  Imagine how it will work out, how others will react, how you feel when you follow through and take those steps you visualized.

Fourth, check in again to see how you feel after you do the above visualization exercise. If it still feels right – Eureka! You have found the solution or next step that suits you.

Don’t drive yourself crazy by remaking decisions or gathering conflicting advice. Focus inward to determine what will work best for you in this situation. Then be brave, follow through, and do what you decided. I have found this method never fails me.  But, it sure has lifted the clouds of worry, indecision and angst that comes with other decision making processes.

No one has perfect information or totally understands what motivates others.  But you can take good care of yourself.  Stop trying to figure everything out.  It’s exhausting.  Instead, take a few deep breaths, relax and know, everything is working out perfectly.  That’s what a Hawaiian Shaman I studied with relies on every day.  Right now, that sounds pretty good to me.

Dating Over 40: The Dating State of Mind

If you want to be in a relationship, the first step to your search is getting into a dating state of mind.  In my book MANifesting Mr. Right, I call this Adopting Dater’s Mind.  When you have dater’s mind, you think of yourself as someone who dates.  Sounds silly huh?  Not really.  If you don’t think of yourself this way, then you probably aren’t connected to your feminine allure either which makes dating much more of a struggle.

Now that’s a problem.

Without feeling attractive, knowing that you are worthy, that men will notice you and approach you, it’s pretty hard to jump the gap to actually getting out there and meeting prospects. I’m working with a woman right now who hasn’t been doing her coaching homework.  She claims she is too busy, but this is a smoke screen. 

How do I know? From talking with over 1,000 women you catch on.  Either she doesn’t really want to date, it’s not one of her biggest priorities, or in this case – she doesn’t see herself as someone who dates!

Yikes!

The solution? Get connected with your allure ASAP.  And here’s how:

1) Pampering – from getting a new hairstyle, new color, highlights, facial, new makeup, make over, manicure and pedicure – anything that beautifies will increase your self-esteem and make you feel more beautiful.  When you think you look good – YOU DO! 80% of your beauty is how you feel about yourself.  Keep that in mind.

2) Is your underwear drawer filled with old cotton comfy favorites? Go get some new lingerie please! It doesn’t have to be expensive.  If you don’t want to take a trip to Victoria’ s Secret, then try Marshalls or TJMaxx (two of my personal  favorites).  I’m not talking about thongs or being uncomfortable. Get some color, satin or lace and wear them to work!

3) What do you like about yourself?  Do you appreciate who you are? Pick out one feature and be thankful for it every day for 7 days.  Then pick something else to appreciate.  This builds your self-esteem and gets you in touch with what makes you attractive. And once again, feeling good about yourself shows – it becomes the non-verbal message you send out into the Universe.

4) Believe connecting with a good man is possible. If you doubt you can find one, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Chapter seven in my book gives you 7 powerful MANifesting techniques that I used and plenty of successful clients have also used to start believing and attracting him into your life. Believing is crucial for your success.

All four of these tips will heighten your allure and keep the idea of being someone who dates front and center in your awareness.  And that is just what you want.  Whatever you put your attention is usually what you get.  So start developing Dater’s Mind to attract the love you want. Do it for yourself today.

 

Dating After Divorce: Grocery Store Pick Up

My friend Terry MacDonald of MarrySmart fame, told me this story.  She met a woman this summer who met her husband at the grocery store.  Not just your average Joe however.  Turns out he is the great grand son of Franklin Delano Roosevelt and very wealthy.

So next time you head out to shop – do a little primping first.  At the very least, a touch of gloss and a quick comb through.  That way if someone catches your eye and smiles, you won’t turn and run.  You can feel good enough to hold up your end of the conversation and maybe give him your number.

Best place to meet – the produce aisle!  Also looking at soup and along the perimeter -  where you find the meat, cheese and milk.  Think about it – sort of adds new meaning to shopping doesn’t it?

Happy Shopping!