Feng Shui, Flirting and Finding Love

Learning Connection, Providence RI

Date Smart - Savvy Dating Strategies to Find Love Today

Learning Connection, Providence RI

NY Times Article on Dating Coaches

One of my clients sent me this link to a NY Times article about Dating Coaches.  It’s pretty good - goes over several different coaches with several different approaches.  Includes David Wygant - the coach on which the movie Hitch was based, who charges $5,000 or more for his dating advice.

The consensus for their advice? Be more open-minded and positive about dating and meeting someone.  Well, that’s good advice.  The writer bemoans the fact that she spent her $500 on Nancy Slotnik, but is still single.  She also admitted that she didn’t  follow her coach’s advice totally either. She closes by saying you should just enjoy the life you have, while you are looking.  That’s good advice too.

Her opening bothered me though - she felt like a loser by contacting a coach.  OK, one perspective on coaching. Another thought is that athletes use coaches to maximize results.  That works doesn’t it?  Personally, I’m big on short cuts.  If I can find someone with experience who can provide short cuts or save me energy and emotional angst, I go for it.  A

Instead of labeling yourself as a loser for asking for help, why not consider how smart you are and privileged to be able to work with a personal consultant?  That’s really what it is. 

Hey, I tell my husband the same thing. He hates that I hire a neighbor to weed our flower beds. Thinks it reflects poorly on him because he should be able to do it all.  I say, "Nonsense! Hiring people to do the things you don’t want to do, don’t know how to do, or don’t have time to do, is a sign of privilege.  It’s how the wealthy live."

What’s your take?

 

Savvy Dating Solutions

Norwalk Community College, Norwalk , CT

Are you suddenly single again? Do you worry that you won’t find a mate?  Do you think it’s too late for love?  Not true! It’s never too late.

In this one-night session, you’ll learn the most productive strategies for finding love. Discover how to find an abundance of single men, heighten your feminine allure, weed out undesirables and find good partners, clear up dating confusion and avoid the biggest dating mistake women make today. Enjoy a fun-filled, interactive and highly effective workshop to help you find the love you deserve.

Thursday, Sept. 27^th  7-9pm Norwalk Community College,  Norwalk , CT
To register, call 203-857-7080

 

But We Had a Great Connection!

Many of my clients come to their coaching session, uttering this about a recent dating disappointment:  "But we had such a great connection!"  Yup, you know what that’s like - when you feel like you each really seem to "GET" each other. You have a lot of eye contact and talk like you’ve known each other forever. You were having a great time and you KNOW he was too.

So why didn’t he call? Why no second or third date? What went wrong? How could such a great connection just evaporate?

First of all, most women immediately assume they did something wrong.  I’m happy to report that usually, it’s totally untrue.  Often the dropped ball and lack of call have little if anything to do with you.  Maybe your guy was dating several women, had to go out of town, got preoccupied with work, or wasn’t really available to date you anyway.  But it might have seemed like a good idea to him n that moment when he was enjoying your company.

Second, this connection thing is most likely more of a woman’s concern than a man’s.  Women place a tremendous amount of importance on this connection. You’ve got to have it with a man, and when you do - you start believing it means something to HIM too.  Like having that connection is a guarantee to a future together because who could let that go?

Who could walk away from that feeling of connection?  Men.  And they do it all the time.

What does this connection thing really mean? Well, its’ a lot like chemistry.  Many women tell me they have to have that sizzling, on fire, tingling-all-over chemistry or they just aren’t interested.  Men without that chemistry or connection get passed over easily.  Women just walk away - because he doesn’t do it for you.

So - here’s a crucial question for you.  Of all the men you’ve had that ha-cha-cha chemistry with, the connection that goes directly and deeply into your heart like no other, how many of those relationships have worked out long-term?

Think back now carefully.  Be honest about this.  My bet is, if you had that chemistry or connection for a long-term relationship, it was a rocky road.  Am I right?  Please let me know if I’m not.

Now I’m not saying you can’t be very attracted to the right man for you - of course you need to find him attractive.  And, you need to feel like you can talk to and understand each other deeply.  All I’m saying is that when you meet a man who you feel this way about, don’t think he automatically feels the same.  Because he might not.

Be smart.  When you feel yourself hopping on board the connection/chemistry express - remember YOU ARE RIDING IN THAT CAR ALONE.  Don’t put all your emotions and hope on that ride because it might not deliver the romance you anticipate.  When you become aware of this situation, it’s time to distract yourself to keep from building it up in your mind.

Instead, go about your business and do what you can to not over-think it.  This minimizes your potential disappointment and keeps both feet on the ground.  And if by chance, time proves out that your connection is mutual and your man demonstrates consistency and frequency, then you can start relaxing into your budding relationship.

Dissing Dating Coaches

I’m surfing the Internet and find this site that talks about therapists and dating coaches.  Written by a therapist of course - the author preferred therapists and suggested that a coach, while meaning well, is not qualified for many issues that may crop up. And might due harm rather than good.

OK, it’s true, I’m not a therapist.  But I do carefully select who I work with to screen for deeper issues.  I know my limits.  But I know my advantages too!  And I’ve had several therapists for clients!

Dating coaching has become a hot service, but not because we are selling snake oil.  It’s because of the new social phenomenon - that so many adults are dating again at 40, 50, 60+.  And that’s what makes it complicated, frustrating, and sometimes down right unsatisfying.

Which is exactly the very reason people come to me - because I can help them through those emotions and back to the other side. The positive side of dating where meeting new people can be fun, where dating can be a productive adventure, where you really can find the love you’ve been searching for.

I am the Mistress of Hope.  But hope based on the foundation and deep knowing that if I found love - YOU CAN TOO!  Please, don’t let anyone tell you differently.

Sending Mixed Signals

Tina is 61, petitie and attractive.  She’s been ready to date for a while and has just started her activity to meet men.  Recently she connected with Pete on SilverSingles.com who is a widower.  Turns out he lives just around the corner from her sister.  What  a small world.

For their first date, the two decided to meet at Tina’s sister’s house.  Then they could go on their date in Pete’s car. They went to dinner and had an excellent time.  Then Pete, who happens to be very pleased with some redecorating he just completed, was anxioius to show off his hard work.  He drove Tina to his home and they went in to view the new decor.

Tina thought he did a lovely job.  Pete took her around and explained all the changes that were made.  It was fun!  Sort of a romantic, Pete put his favorite music on the CD player and then asked Tina to take a spin with him.  Tina started to feel a bit uncomfortable as Pete pulled her close and moved to the music. She told him that it was time to get going and they went back to her sister’s houseto pick up her car. Date over.

Tina and Pete had a second date that was very similar.  She really enjoyed this man’s company, but he took her back to his house again where they had a repeat of the dancing scene. Tina was miffed that she had to go through this all over again and decided it was time to leave.  Then she decided it was time to dump Pete.

Now I’m probably going to surprise you , but I’m on Pete’s side here. Why? Because in all fairness, Tina sent him messages that going to his house and what might come afterwards was OK. How could that be? Think about it. Tina got in the car with a man she didn’t know.  Yes, she met him at her sister’s house, but they didn’t stay there. So now Pete could be easily thinking, "Well that was easy."

Tina gave Pete the impression she was easy going and comfortable in a strange man’s home.  So what’s the surpirse to think he put the moves on her?  No surprise to me.  Tina didn’t have any boundaries and then was mad when Pete crossed the line. 

Actually, I think this situation was a real shame. The fact isTina really liked Pete.  But once he tried to get too close, she shut him down.  And she was completely unwilling to consider how she had contributed to his making a pass at her.  After all, who had gotten into his car and gone to his house ont he first date? She had sent mixed signals. She was open to  going , and yet she was angry that he tried.

He is a man after all.  Regardless of his age.  It’s in the genes (jeans) to try.

If Tina had been a bit more savvy, she would have met Pete at the restaurant.  And  then she would have driven herself home, saving the house tour for a point further down the road when intimacy would have been more appropriate and comfortable for her.  She closed down a potentially good man who probably misread her signals and willingness.  

The best thing you can do when dating is to know your limits. Set boundaries so that you don’t get into situations that you have to find your way out of later.  Remember, you are sending messages with your actions, not just your words.  Be clear with yourself and with the men you date.

Meeting a Star Trek Fan - How to Handle a Clingy Clingon?

My client Janine was having a round of bad blind dates. I’m sure you’ve all been on one or two yourself.  But, try topping this one.  Yes, that is a direct challenge by the way, so feel free to comment or email me.

Having attended a singles picnic, Janine already had her fill of being hit on by the time dinner was served.  She chose a seat far from the maddening crowd to relax and enjoy her dinner in peace.  That didn’t last long.  Before she knew it, Ken appeared, plopped down in the chair next to her, sighing loudly. He proceeded to complain how all the women were hitting on him, and all he really wanted to do was sit and eat his dinner in peace. Coincidence?

The conversation was  OK for a few minutes.  Then, he turned to Janine with a strange look on his face and asked her, "Do I look like anyone you know? Somebody famous?" No one came to her mind.  He didn’t remind her of anyone she could think of, celebrity, TV, movies, rock stars, athletes.  Nope.  Yet, Ken persisted and asked her several more times. "Come on, really think about it." he said.

That didn’t help. So Ken decided to be kind and give her a little hint. "Did you ever watch Star Trek?" he asked, followed by a tossing of his long, rather unruly dark hair.  The wheels in Janine’s head were turning now as she started worrying what she was getting herself into. "A Clingon?" she responded tentatively.

"YES!" Ken answered with a broad smile, followed up quickly by something in the Clingon language.  Oh yes, it’s true.  You just can’t make up this kind of stuff.  Then he told her how he knew from the moment he first saw her that she would know about Star Trek and understand his life interest in Clingons. Right.

Our heroine however, is a very skilled and savvy dater. With a short but deeply focused minute or two, the idea sprang gratefully into her head.  Janine turned to Ken, and with the greatest amount of compassion she could muster, she looked soulfully into Ken’s eyes and expressed the single piece of knowledge that could keep the two of them apart.

"Ken, I don’t know how to tell you this, but like Diana Troy in Star Trek, I’m an empath." And for anyone of you out there who have forgotten or never cared to know Star Trek lore, empaths and Clingons don’t  get along.  At all. Ever.  They simply don’t relate.  This was a pure stroke of genius on Janine’s part.

Ken was, shall we say, totally devastated. He looked at her dejected, knowing she was right about their fate.  Then Janine picked up her plate and moved on to a new table.  And that my friends is one hell of an exit line!

Drooling Over the Real Thing

Meet the fantasy - Prince Lorenzo De Medici. He’s from one of the oldest famous families in Italy.

Yes he’s a real prince who lives in Florence, Italy.  I think this is so funny considering my last post!  This is a fine example of the law of attraction in action.  He’s very cute, although cuter in his younger years (but weren’t we all?) You can hear an interview with him and Renee Piane, the founder of RapidDating.com and then visit Lorenzo’s web site.

From listening to him talk about dating, women, Italian men and cheating, by my standards, he’s a bit of a scoundrel. Seems like the guy I dated and nick-named Romeo regarding how he talks about romance.  Hey, maybe Lorenzo might have been related to the real Romeo. Oh what am I saying - Romeo is just a creation of William Shakespeare!  Nonetheless, its all very fun to think about.

Go ahead and live the fantasy as the famous Chanel commercials suggest.  Visit with Lorenzo and enjoy the view.  It’s one of life’s greatest pleasures.

What Do You Know About Romeo?

How much do I love this idea?  A whole lot!

What Do You Know About Romeo is a very cute website where you can check on a man by entering his user name and the web site he’s on for online dating.  Yes, it probably skews a bit younger but it’s a fun site and the idea is most certainly novel. There are some male experts to ask questions of and a blog of course. 

I must admit, the man I dated just before I met my husband had that very nick name. No he didn’t call himself Romeo, I did.  And I didn’t say it to his face.  But, that’s how I referred to  him to all my girlfriends who were privy to my dating dilemmas.  He had a very thick Italian accent and when I first met him at a singles dance, I only understood about 60% of what he said to me.  Believe that was enough.

He knew the language of romance very well.  It’s a universal language and it was too much fun.  I just wanted one fling to do the wrong thing.  Until that point,  I was always sensible and did the right thing. But with Romeo, I jumped off the cliff.  It was worth it. 

After about 8 weeks, when he started acting like a total jerk, I kicked him to the curb.  Yeah, I cried for a few days, but I’m still glad I did it.  Plus, the most important byproduct for me, was a new willingness to open my heart, take a risk on love and say "what the heck!"  Once I got there emotionally, then I was ready to connect with a good man - like my husband.

So, thank you Romeo for the memories and for helping me see that I could take a chance, get disappointed, survive  and move on to find the right man for me.

Finding Love After Divorce – The Yin and Yang of Dating

Wednesday, September19^th 6-9pm  at Avon Old Farms, Avon, CT
To register, visit www.TheDivorceNetwork-CT.com

 

I Can’t think of What to Say

Last night the group coaching call was really powerful.  Jean asked a great question about starting conversations. Her friend suggested that when she sees a man who interests her, she should find a way to say something.

She was at the doctor’s office and a nice looking guy sat down next to her in the waiting room. Jean made herself put her book down, to think of something to say.  But no ideas came.  He was sitting right there, putting on his shoes and socks (not sure why they had come off but that’s probably another story.) Yet her mind was a blank screen.  Finally, she was called for her appointment and the moment passed her by.

Jean complains that she freezes like a deer in the headlights and absolutely nothing comes to mind!  She just doesn’t know what to do!

For starters, I think Jean should just make it a practice to talk to men.  Any time, any where.  Don’t wait until you see a man who pops your cork - that’s way too much pressure!  Instead, talk to any guy with whom you come into close proximity.  As an example, Jean could have said to Mr. Barefoot, "Do you think sock, sock, shoe, shoe works best, or one sock, one shoe?"  This meaningless type of question is just a conversation starter without much substance. But hey, that’ s all it takes.

Another thing for Jean to think about is where she’ll find men to talk to.  Her immediate reaction when I asked this questions was that she doesn’t really run into many guys. So I asked if she knows everyone in the building where she works - she said "No." What about in the elevator, in the parking lot, in the lunch room? "OK" Jean said, "I’m starting to get the picture."

See, men are quite literally every where.  It’s actually hard to avoid them unless you’re in a convent.  And the best places to strike up harmless conversation without pressure are all the mundane places to which life brings you. In line at the bank, grocery store, deli counter, or dry cleaners.  At toll booths, in the gas station or convenience store.  Honestly, opportunities abound.

You don’t need to marry these guys or even give them your phone number. But talking to them does give you an advantage - the edge of being comfortable striking up conversations, meeting new people, and flirting with men any time and any where.  That’s quite a skill and a big boost to your confidence.

And the best news? When you do encounter that special man, you’ll be so well practiced that he’ll just be another guy to you.  No freezing, just a smile and plenty of confident charm - ahhhh you’re relaxed and having fun!

Jean and I discussed how many times a week she thought that she should talk to strangers and she signed on for twice a week.  A bit lame if you ask me.  So I had her stretch that goal a bit. I asked her how it would be if she did it four times a week?  She cringed, but did agree that she’d get a lot more comfortable, a whole lot faster.

Lastly, here’s the biggest benefit of all.  Jean would have to start looking around her for potential men to talk to.  Now this would be novel because Jean spends most of her time totally focused on handling her tasks as quickly as possible to get home to her kids.  So as mentioned earlier in this piece - she doesn’t even notice any men around her!  With this homework assignment, she’ll have to start looking for men - and that is huge!  Now she’ll be looking for men and opportunities, a whole new mindset that changes everything.

It’s Monday.  Why not join Jean and try it yourself this week.  Talk to three or four men you don’t know.  Smile, and start a few conversations.  See what happens and notice any changes.  After a few weeks, my bet is, you’ll be very pleasantly surprised when you look back and notice how much your perspective and outlook have changed and how much easier it is to start a conversation.

 

Get Your Online Profile Done by Lunch Time

Milford, CT

If you’ve been putting off posting a profile on Match.com or other online dating service, this is the workshop for you.  Get your profile written and photos taken all in one morning! I’ll help you write a captivating profile, plus give you crucial tips on email protocol, expectations and how to make the most from the web singles scene. Plus professional photographer - Jon Wasson will be on hand for expert photos so you can look your best. Jon normally charges $199 or the photos and I charge $!50 to write a profile, for a total of $349!

So you know you’re getting a deal when the workshop for both of us is priced at just $199

Saturday, September 15th, 9am - Noon, Milford, CT 
Call Ronnie ASAP at 203-877-3777 to reserve your spot.  Only 6 spots remain so don’t wait!

Gray Hair Gets More Clicks!

The scoop is that gray-haired women get more hits and responses when it comes to online dating!  I haven’t read the article, but it appeared in MORE Magazine recently and also was discussed on Good Morning America this week.  A sixty-one year old woman was curious what would work better for her, so she put a profile up in three big cities for three months with gray hair, then posted it again with brown hair.

It’s unbelievable and counter-intuitive for sure, BUT IT’S TRUE!  The results proved that she had a much higher response rate with gray hair.  So the next time you start complaining that men all want younger women, and no matter how much it might seem that way to you, it’s been proven NOT TRUE. 

I always heard truth was stranger than fiction - and here it is again.

 

 

Dating Dilemma #256 - Should I Wait or Email?

Dear Ronnie,

 

I have a dating dilemma that I could use your help with. I attended a speed-dating evening in August. When I received the “match” results, to my delight - the fellow I was MOST interested in had expressed interest in me!  A few days later, I received a very nice e-mail from him asking if I’d “like to continue the conversation” I said yes, gave him my number and mentioned I’d be away on vacation the next week (which was last week.) He said he’d try to reach me at the end of that week.

 

Well, SURPRISE I haven’t heard from him and now almost another week has gone by. I’m not sure what I should do. Should I wait to see if he contacts me? Should I assume “he’s just not that into me?" Should I drop him a brief, but friendly e-mail saying that I’m back from vacation and just wondering if he’d still like to get together?

 

One of my girlfriends said I should just be patient and wait. He does have 3 young kids and things may be really busy since school just started. Two other friends thought I should go ahead and e-mail before he forgets what I look like and because “life is short”  What would you advise in this situation?
                 –Lady in waiting

 

Dear Lady in Waiting,

 

Normally I prefer to have men do the reaching out. And he did that one time, but then hasn’t followed through. Who knows why – his reasons probably have nothing to do with you.

 

The Situation Analysis
For all we know one of his kids got sick, he met someone else, or he’s working on getting his corporate taxes done – they’re due soon. It’s anyone guess.  I do feel that this is a sign – because you want a man who can follow through – who seeks you out and wants to date you.  On the other hand, people do get busy and then after not calling, sometimes a guy feels too embarrassed to reconnect.  Maybe he lost your number – oh no, sounds like we’re making excuses for him now – that’s not good.

 

The Advice
This fits the “What the heck?” category.  You liked him and hate to let this go.  I understand. What the heck? Send him an email. Go for it! The last thing you want is to wish you had just sent him an email.  Not a regret worth creating. 

 

So go ahead. Send him a  friendly email. You can either just say "Hi, how are you? I’m back from vacation." Or if you can handle the possible rejection, suggest getting together to do one of the activities you have in common, without picking a specific time – just ask about over the next week.  There’s really no big downside to doing this.

 

The Fine Print
What I encourage women to AVOID is making the first move more than once because it will become a habit and ultimately you could waste a lot of time and heart on a guy who’s just curious or flattered by your pursuit, but not that interested. 

 

Sending a friendly nudge is not a bad thing to do, so do it right now after reading this. Then move on to think about something or someone else.  It’s a big world out there and there are plenty of fish.  Don’t get stuck on one lone sole when there’s a whole school swimming by.

 

Lots of Love from the Dating Coach

National Singles Week

Did you know that there is an organization for Unmarried and Single Americans? Well there is! National USA Week has the tagline "Celebrating the lives and contributions of unmarried and single Americans." The USA stands for Unmarried and Single Americans.  Here’s the site

This group sponsors a week for the Single Americans - by the way aren’t unmarried people single?  Anyway National Singles week is next week - September 17-23.  Might as well get on the celebration band wagon.  Any excuse to celebrate and feel good about yourself works for me!

Let me know how you chose to celebrate.  Share your ideas on enjoying your single status.  After all, this may very well be the last Singles week you celebrate if things go well and you take the necessary steps to find the love you want…right?

With a Wave of her Hand, She Met Him

This is a great  "How’d you meet him?" story.

Pam was bumming because she had just broken up with her long-term guy.  She had been fixed up with Bob, but that didn’t work out.  Sitting at home moping, her parents couldn’t stand it and dragged her out to dinner with them.  The restaurant had an hour wait, so Pam and the ‘rents went into the bar.  But no server was in sight. 

Finally Pam spots a waitress on the other side of the bar and stands up to wave wildly, to get her attention.  Well she got somone’s attention, but not the server.  As it turns out, Bob was standing on the other side of the room, and had been watching Pam for a while.  When he saw her wave for the waitress, he mistook it as a friendly motioning to him.  So he walked over, started chatting with her and now they’ve been married for over 20 years. 

Don’t you love it?

 

Article from Oprah’s Mag Missed the Boat

Sitting at the hair salon, covering my roots and I glanced at the latest O Magazine.  The September issue has one, three articles about love and relationships listed on the cover. Excitedly, I turned the pages to read them over. Honestly, I was less than impressed.

The one that could have been most interesting was about whether or not you should spill the beans on your romantic history.  The writer had interviewed Greg Berhandt of He’s Just Not That Into You fame and discovered that Greg and his wife never shared their relationship stories.  Hmmmmm - do we even believe that? How could that be?

The article went on to discuss the pros and cons and what other people do about this subject.  But what it never did was draw any conclusion.  And even worse, there was no discussion of WHEN it works best to talk about this touchy subject.

The whole article totally missed the boat!  Why? Because while you don’t need to know every dirty little detail, it’s good to understand your partner’s past romances as you get to know him/her better.  What happened? How did they handle things? What did they learn?  And how do they talk about their ex’s? Still angry?  Healed and free?

Yet, this is not the stuff first dates are made of, or second or third dates either. Get to know each other first a bit to you see if there is long-term potential before airing your dirty laundry.  Then, as you get to know each other, you can ask questions, find out about your partner’s past and deepen your knowledge of each other.  The point isn’t to arouse suspicion or jealousy, or to stir up old wounds, but to connect with your partner, learn, understand, and grow.

And that’s the point O Magazine totally neglected. Totally missed the boat on the point of their own article.  If you want the real scoop on relationship "how to’s" that really work, this is the place.  You can count on it.

 

She Caught his Attention with her Skirt

Here’s a great story about "how’d you find him?"

Charlene took my It’s Never Too Late to Find Mr. Right workshop a few years ago.  She was really taken with the idea of flirting and enhancing her feminine allure.  To do so, Char decided to start wearing skirts - something she hadn’t done in some time.

Soon after, she was out at an art gallery opening and noticed a guy smiling at her.  Tom finally walked over to say hello after Char smiled coyly a couple of times. (That’s how it works you know.) Anyway, one thing lead to another and they just got engaged over Labor Day weekend!

After a couple of months of dating, Char had asked Tom what attracted him to her that fateful night.  His response?  "I really liked how  you looked in that skirt" 

Think about it - you could be next!  Check out the Find Love for the Holidays Workshop that starts Sunday September 16th. I’ll post details later today on the calendar.

More on Cheaters

So I ran across this blog by Jeff Mac called Manslations - like translating man lingo. Pretty clever if you ask me.  I started reading this post he wrote in response to a woman who asked,  "How do you stop a man from cheating and lying and where to find a guy who doesn’t do this?"

His answer was bold, straight forward and refreshing.  How do you stop a man from cheating and lying? Jeff says - "you don’t.  What you do instead is choose another man.  Wow.  That is so harsh and so true.

Jeff shares a man’s perspective, which let’s face it ladies - we NEED to hear.  We need to understand how the opposite sex thinks.  And he let’s us in on what’s going on with most men.  If this is one of your concerns, or you keep attracting men who exhibit this behavior, you might want to read what Jeff has to say.  Visit Manslations.com