Three Bits of “Bad Dating Advice”

I hunt around for good dating articles and advice on lots of different web sites. With all the experts out there, I can always use a new tidbit to share or spark my thinking.  But when I run across what I consider "Bad Daing Advice"  or BDA for short, it just infuriates me!

So I thought - today I’m going to refute some of the BDA I’ve run into lately.

1) You’ll Find Your Mate When You Stop Looking 
Honestly nothing can be further from the truth.  I didn’t look for more than 12 years ansd guess what? I didn’t find a soul.  This is what I’d call Super BDA. Well-meaning people might try to reassure you that if you just stop looking for love, magic will happen.  Haven’t heard lately about many Prince Charmings knocking on single women’s doors.  This is very unlikely.

Now, if you have been looking frantically, if you appear desperate, OK slowing down, relaxing, taking the pressure off - these are good pieces of advice.  But that’s a whole lot different that stopping.

2) Stop Looking and Start Attracting
Now you might say, "Well, what about the Law of Attraction?  If you are always "looking," you are not in "finding" mode. Semantics, but OK.  Shift gears to be your most attractive and know that you are attracting the right man. But still, you can only attract him when you put yourself in a position to meet him!  Case closed. I call this "The Secret BDA" if you get my drift.

3) Get Involved in Activities You Like to Meet Prospects with Similar Interests
Have you taken any continuing education classes lately? If you said "yes," then you know the room was filled with at least 80-99% W-O-M-E-N. The older men get, the less they join things.  That’s why this advice is what I term Major BDA.

Should you have a rich life filled with activities you enjoy doing? Of course! Why not have fun and learn new things and meet more women friends while you’re in "hunting" mode.  When you are happy and interesting, you are that much more attractive. But don’t leave your chances for meeting men to this fate because you will not meet many, if any. Sorry but it’s the truth.

There is just about a ton, maybe two tons of dating advice out there.  Some will suit you, some will be BDA.  It’s up to you to sift through the pile to select and then follow the advice that makes sense to you. I sure hope I’ve helped you avoid at least these three pieces of BDA and erroneous strategies to find the love you want.

 

How the Other Half Thinks with Jeff Mac

Jeff Mac, stand up comic and dating expert writes a great Q and A blog where he focuses on Manslations - translating what men say, think and do for curious or perplexed women folk.   Last week I interviewed him for my Decoding Dating Interview Series - the December installment.  

We had a blast discussing things like:
1) Why men take your number but don’t call?
2) When it’s OK to fool around from a guy’s perspective?
3) What you can do about a man who cheats?

A  Few New Tricks
Even though I’ve been coaching for six years on a variety of dating topics and consider myself to be well-versed, Jeff opened my eyes to a few new tricks. Getting the inside scoop on a man’s perspective is so incredibly helpful when you are on the singles’ scene.  I can’ t wait to publish the audio program, making it available to you in the beginning of December.

Look Through a Man’s Eyes
For example, why does a man prefer to pick you up for a date and go in one car? So he can be in charge? Maybe.
So he can show his chivalrous nature? Possibly.  Because it’s the surest way to go home with you? Ding Ding Ding Ding - that’s the correct answer.  While this seems totally obvious to me now, I never thought about it from this angle before.  Thanks Jeff for "manslating" and allowing me to peak through a man’s eyes at the dating world. 

What Men Want
The last time I had this kind of insight was years ago when I read - What Men Want.: Three Professional Single Men Reveal What It Takes to Make a Man Yours. This book, published in 1998, was a first for me because it was written by three single guys in their 30’s who revealed what men want and more importantly - HOW THEY THINK. It was actually more insightful then the now famous He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Berhandt

Chatting You Up
In this book, I learned one of the scams a player uses. This method, called "Chatting You Up" made so much sense and explained what this one particular guy I was dating was doing. John would call me up on a Saturday afternoon to chat.  Was it entertaining? Well sure.  But I couldn’t understand why he’d call to talk and not ask me out. 

Too Many Johns
The book explained that John had many women going at one time. (That’s OK, I was dating three guys named John simultaneously. Good news was I never called any of the guys by the wrong name!) He called to keep me in the loop or interested, but didn’t ask me out till the following week, probably because he was busy with others.

"Manslations"
This situation hit me like a ton of bricks - once I understood what he was doing, I cut things short with John (hey he was only 5′2"anyway) "Manslations" like these permit a woman to be a far more savvy dater and to make more educated decisions. Jeff divulges the man’s point of view on things like why a man seems interested, but does nothing to further things and why men so frequently say one thing, yet do another. (That’s a true mystery of the Universe!)

Thanks again Jeff for filling me in and "decoding" how a man’s mind works. Unknown territory that women need to know about.   The whole interview will be available in early December so stay tuned!

PS - One Really Weird Thing
While learning a bit more about each other, Jeff and I discovered that we not only grew up in the same little suburb, (what are the chances of that?) but we lived just one street apart! Does that count as six degrees of separation?

 

More Web Dating Advice to Create a Captivating Profile

This past Saturday I ran a workshop in Connecticut called Finding Love Online - Secrets for Successful Web Dating.  With 25 attendants, the morning was fabulous with plenty of laughter, fun and jam-packed crucial details that will make their web dating efforts far more successful!

Even with that behind me for now, I still scour the Internet for more great advice and tips about web dating for my readers and clients.  And today I found a great post about how to write a good profile that incorporates an article from Men’s Health and details from an ebook on the AskDaveTaylor site.  While both pieces are written for men, so what!  The principles for composing a profile that captures attention are exactly the same.

A pretty quick read and valuable.  From my marketing background, I had a good chuckle to find the famous AIDA model - Attention, Interest, Desire, Action - the four step plan for marketing materials to get a reaction out of prospects.  Let’s not forget, match.com IS advertising!  So these strategies definitely apply in this realm too.

Take a few minutes to read up and apply the tips to your profile. They say a weekly tweak keeps your profile at the top of the list rather than on the last few pages. Keep your profile current and top-of-mind to attract the love you want

 

The Attitude of Gratitude Makes You Attractive and Happy

As you sit down to your Thanksgiving dinner today with friends and or family, your thoughts may be of stuffing and gravy or pumpkin chiffon pie. Some of you may say a prayer of thanks or take a moment before eating.  Others might start the day with these thoughts.  But many probably move from food preparation, to the dining room table to the couch for some football viewing.  Well, nothing wrong with that progression at all.

But what if you took a moment out to express your gratitude for all that you have in your life. For all the IS working well. For all that is going right.  What if you expressed this gratitude to the people who love you  and support you.  What if you take a moment to silently count your blessings.  All of these steps lead to feeling good - an air of contentment, happiness, and peace with what is. That is the Attitude of Gratitude and it is highly attractive and very magnetic.

When we encounter happy, confident people, we naturally gravitate to them.  These are the charismatic souls who everyone flocks to.  They are often the center of attention, not because they show off, but because they are comfortable with themselves and their lives. They make others feel comfortable for this very reason and that’s why we seek them out.

Take 10 minutes to make a list of all that is right with your life. No matter what your situation, there is always something you can be grateful for. Even if it’s as simple as the fact that today in CT the temperature is already 63 degrees with bright sun shine. Every minute you spend in this energy, embodying the Attitude of Gratitude , sooths your spirit, smoothes your energy field and allows it to expand to become the magnetic personality you were born to be.

Enjoy!

 

Humor and Gender Differences - Why Women Hate the Three Stooges

Last night I heard Gina Barreca speak at the CT chapter of the National Speakers Association.  I’ve been to many of these meetings over the past three years and she was by far one of the very best.

Gina is a professor of literature and feminist theory at UConn, as well as  an author of several books including They Used to Call Me Snow White But I Drifted, and I’m with Stupid.  On her site is this quote about her philosophy:   "Humor is a way to make trouble, a way to get a issues, even difficult issues."

I agree whole-heartedly! I have used humor many times in a jam and have gotten away with saying very pointed things in a humorous way that could never have been said directly.  I must say my Mom taught me this. It is a good skill to have and it certainly makes your point.

Gina explained that women don’t tell jokes.  Men tell jokes and men like the Three Stooges.  Instead, women tell stories - about everything.  If you compliment a woman about her outfit, she’ll tell you where she got it, how much it cost and what’s wrong with it.  We have totaly different ways of communicating.  Even if a women wants to convey something humorous - she’ll probably say, "Let me tell you a funny story." And you better sit down because it’ll probably be a while - right?

Gina made a great point about the female students in her class.  She explained how the girls start the semester talking and how every sentence sounds like a question because it ends on an up note.  The tone of voice trails up at the end of the sentence which is perfect when asking a question.  But when this way of speaking ends every sentence, then its a statement about self-esteem and presentation.  This is one of the very things that drains credibility from a woman’s image.

Anyway, after a few weeks in class, one woman went up to her and recited back what she had learned about feminism etc, in class while managing her tone voice, etc.  Then she ended by asking  "But will we still get dates?"

Well that is a good question.  And everyone in the room last night laughed out loud. But I don’t think this is a problem at all.  Women often complain about having to dumb down.  That’s not really an issue long-term.  It’s an immediate issue impacting attraction - especially for web dating.

A powerful woman could intimidate a man with her credentials.  Get to meet him first, he’ll see how great you are, then you can tell him more about what you do.  At that point, he’ll already like you so your high-powered job won’t seem nearly as threatening to his ego.  Trust me on this one. 

So is this dumbing down? NO! It’s what I call "Smart Packaging." You are still the same person, but you are leaving room for the man to feel good about himself rather than feel threatened. When he feels threatened that causes him to compete which is the killer of romance! 

Here’s an analogy.  Think of a male peacock.  They spread that magnificent display of jewel-toned feathers to attract a female.  Today most men do this same thing - by telling you how much money they make, what a great job, boat, car they have - fanning out their possessions and accomplishments to impress you.  If you do the same by bragging  - you put him on the defensive feeling like he has to compete - and getting his tail feathers in an uproar.

You can see why that wouldn’t be a romantic course of action. Why is it bad to let a man feel good?  You know who you are, and with a little time - he’ll know all about you too.  Just give him a chance to think his tail feathers are really something to crow about - he’ll appreciate you for it. 

I learned this from a divorced man I dated. Prior to getting divorced, he went to therapy with his wife where he learned that the sexes each had a job within the relationship.  Women want men to tell them that everything will be OK.  And men want to know that women think they are wonderful.  I have found this to be surprisingly true.  So let him think he’s wonderful. Research studies show that men choose women who make them feel good.  What’s so bad about that?

I’m looking forward to reading Gina’s books and will surely share any pearls I encounter.

 

I’m Sort of Dating This Guy

Just last week a client called to discuss her web dating experience. She was complaining about the responses she was getting - not too much that interested her I guess.  Then, surprisingly, Roseanne mentioned that she is sort of seeing this guy. Sort of?  What does that mean?

I have this term before actually from a man.  In fact, now that I think of it, it seems to come up from time to time. Sort of seeing someone is a phrase that means the situation is currently undefined.

Roseanne explained that Bart doesn’t want to define the relationship.  The key word there if you ask me is  R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P!.  He may not want to define it but that doesn’t change the fact that they are in a relationship whether he likes it or not.  What kind of relationship? Well that’s another story.

Undefined usually means casual, as in not serious, i.e. not committed. Could he be seeing others? Maybe, maybe not. Hard to say since it’s not defined right? But it does imply a certain freedom.

When I asked Roseanne how often she sees Bart, her answer took me by surprise - four times a week!  That’ s quite a bit for an undefined relationship. I became curious how she feels about this man that she spends so much time with.  Turns out he occupies 75% of her heart.

With three quarters of her persona and heart focused on Bart, Roseanne isn’t really available to date others.  Just from a simple time perspective, she doesn’t have it.  But from an emotional stand point, she is not really open to others.  She likes Bart and hopes that he will be willing to define their situation soon.

And in fairness to Bart, it’s only been three months.  It’s still early.

In a quandary about how to proceed, Roseanne and I tossed some ideas around.  She’s not ready to walk away, nor should she.  But she doesn’t want to be exclusive when she isn’t in an exclusive relationship - smart cookie.  The outcome, she has decided to still see Bart, but not as often. Maybe twice a week instead of four times.  That will leave her with time open to meet new prospects in case Bart decided he never wants more from this relationship than something casual.

This is where Roseanne and I discuss dating with your head and your heart.  Not an easy thing to do - but a very sensible one.  She admitted that after three more moths at this pace, she’d be completely sucked in and smitten.  By backing off a bit, she gives Bart time to think and herself the opportunity to protect her heart and meet new people.

If you find yourself in this situation, don’t despair.  If you are looking for casual fun -then there isn’t a problem.  And if you are looking for lasting love and marriage, think about how you might minimize the downside risk and enjoy the experience for what it is - getting to know someone to see if there IS long-term potential. That’s the whole point of dating - or data gathering as I call the process. 

Just because you are dating, doesn’t mean you are in a relationship. When you define dating in this manner, it can really help keep your head clear and heart open.

Finding Love OnLine - Secrets for Successful Web Dating

The Courtyard by Marriott in Cromwell, CT

Take advantage of the fastest way to meet singles and get savvy about how to do it well.  Put your skeptical nature aside, say what the heck and give it a try!

There’s no question that online dating has gone mainstream with more singles than ever on the Internet -nearly 40 million people!  During this fun, interactive workshop, learn pros and cons of numerous sites available. Discuss how to write a captivating profile and make or break photo tips. Discover how to filter out inappropriate candidates. Meet other single women and share strategies for getting to know people online. Safety tips and first date suggestions will also be covered. 

Sign up now to save your spot!

$29 each with a friend **Register Online**

$39 (includes free CD) **Register Online**

Saturday, November 17th, 9:00am-Noon  - The Courtyard by Marriott in Cromwell, CT  

Call me to reserve your seat right now! 203-877-3777    Pre-registration is required

The Most Magical MANifesting Story Yet! Recreating-Eden

I often review my blog stats and search strings to see how people are finding me.  What do visitors search for to end up here?  This monring I came upon this 18 month old blog posting from a site by  Julia Rogers Hamrick who is a spiritual teacher and author found the right man for her much to her complete surprise.  Her love story is sooooo inspiring - you just have to read it.

Naturally you will hear about the Law of Attraction and how things fell into place for Julia on her path to find love.  Visit her blog to read this post about asking for a sign to meet the right man, choosing her sign (a red diamond) and what happened next.

I’d invite you to poke around her site if you get a chance.  Sometimes I’m a bit jaded about all this new age stuff, but this site just hit me right today.  Need a dose of positivity - go right now to visit Easy World - doesn’t that sound like fun?

Love Emails from Indiana

Cyndi an East Coast woman, was bothered that she received several emails on match from guys who lived all over the country - like Indiana, Arizona and Alabama professing love.  How can this be?  And more importantly what is this about?

1) First off, who can really understand the mind of another, so face it, these are educated guesses
2) Maybe they thought she was cute, good looking, a hot babe - so take it as flattery.  It’s certainly confirmation that  Cyndi is attractive regardless of who the men are and if she likes them
3) Perhaps the men were simply avoiding work by trolling on match.com
4) It’s easier & safer to write to women far away because the likelihood of meeting is slim i.e. less rejection
5) Some men want fantasy pen pals for a steamy virtual relationship - either they are married and this way aren’t really cheating or maybe they have intimacy issues so this solves that problem as well
6) Could be these fellow send the same love letter to every woman they like
7) Who knows, some of them could actually be writing in earnest

You get the picture.  My point is don’t get your panties in a bunch about who these guys are and why they are professing love to you.  If you want to dismiss them all - fine!  But remember - no matter what you think of the men, it is still proof positive that you are attractive - take it as flattery and then move on to find more appropriate prospects who are geographically desirable or other qualities that you’re seeking.

Same goes for men who are too young, too old, uneducated, uncouth, unpleasant, or anything else that causes you to reject them as potential partners.  So what!  Of course you will encounter all kinds on the Internet.  That’s because there are literally millions of people on these web dating sites. And that’s actually a good thing!

After all, you want lots of selection and choices. Some you’ll reject, some you’ll need to get to know, some you may fall for.  The Internet is a tool to help connect you to other singles.  Many of them won’t be right for you.  But there will be a few who are. This is completely normal and to be expected.  

So the next time a guy writes to you that you don’t like or isn’t from your neighborhood, smile to yourself that someone thinks you’re attractive, say thank you to the Universe and move on to find the right man for you.

PS - I do know a couple of met from a long distance email relationship.  Drew happened upon Leslie’s web site. She’s an artist from London. He’s an art lover from Goldens Bridge, NY.  He wrote to her, they emailed back and forth.  And then back and forth a lot more.  Then he wanted to visit so he flew over.  Then more back and forth and now married.  So it does happen.  Not every long distance email is a waste of time.  It’s your job to sort through and find out.  Let that be the fun part.

Ogling Research - Why It’s Normal to Look

Diane Mapes wrote an article for MSNBC.com entitled,"Just Looking Hon’ - In Defense of Ogling." Turns out it’s totally normal to ogle good-looking people.  In fact, it’s been proven through "attention adhesion" research that once you set your eyes on an attractive person, you get fixated within half a second and you literally have to pull your gaze away (compared the regular folks that is) This is according to a recent study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

Thing is women are just as likely to ogle as men!  Dr. Jon Maner, assistant professor of psychology at Florida State University and author of the study says the research suggests that "it’s inevitable to a degree…People’s eyes are automatically captured by attractive members of the opposite sex…"  So if you’ve been known to have a wandering eye - your behavior has now been proved scientifically as "normal."

Of course self-control does kick in almost immediately for most humans who are in a relationship and happen to be out with their partner.  Good thing because this behavior has caused more fights than anyone would care to count.  Looking briefly is one thing.  But comments, whistles, forehead wiping, grunting, gasping or staring are down right rude when in the company of your lover ( and maybe others too).

OK - so we’ll forgive an occasional eye straying session if you keep it short and to yourself.  Hey - we’re married, taken, or in a relationship, but not dead right?  Looking is human and healthy.  Just don’t make it obvious and do come back to reality quickly.  Squeeze your lover’s hand, give him/her a kiss and be grateful for how green the grass is right here.

50 Plus Expo in NYC - Baby Boomer Dating

Today there was a special Forever Young- Expo for 50 Plus at the Times Square Marriott in NYC.  According to an article posted on ABC - 7- Eyewitness News, the event had something for everyone including dating workshops!

Sounds like it was interesting with Terri Sloane, matchmaker and relationship expert who ran a singles session and discussion on dating.  She encourages people who have been out of circulation to join groups and get used to going out again.  Another tips is to tell everyone you are interesting in dating and meeting people so they can help you on the journey.  I agree!  This is an excellent strategy - and exactly how I met my husband.

However, she goes on to say you should pick a few hobbies, do something you like and you’ll probably meet your mate.

Boooooooooo.  That’s bad advice.  For women who have tried this method, you know that women take classes and sign up for groups.  I even know women who took a wood-working class hoping to meet men and still they met - you guessed it women!

If you want to meet men, you;ll have to do something specifically to meet singles. Other wise your chances of casually just bumping into men at classes are very slim.  Most women who have tried this may meet new women friends, but get frustrated on the dating front.

We’ll give Terri the benefit of the doubt - maybe things are different in New York City or perhaps other big cities. But if you live outside the large metropolitan areas, it works best to go to organized events if you want to meet single men.

Now here’s where things fall apart fo the Forever Young 50 Plus Expo.  When I clicked on the web site,  the big events they used to draw baby boomers were just horrid:

Free Lung Screening, Flu Clinic, Hearing Screenings, Macular Degenration, and Breast Cancer

Maybe the promoters aren’t sure if participants are healthy enough to date? And will they have time after attending to all their health issues?

I know health is important but geez!  You couldn’t PAY ME to go to that EXPO! Yuck!

Baby Boomers - stay healthy - steer clear of great events like this one and find something that is actually fun to do. Anything has got to be better than this depressing excuse for an expo.

 

Good Morning America - He Found Her!

Have you heard this unbelievable modern-day love story from Good Morning America - ABC News?

A 21 year old guy named Patrick Moberg, saw a really cute girl (Camille Hayton) on the subway.  But he mustered up the courage to say hello too late as she dashed off the train into a mass of commuters.  And she was lost to him!

But for whatever reason, Patrick decided that meet her he must.  So he had a drawing made of her with him and posted it on a web site www.nygirlofmydreams.com Cute right?  But what are the chances?  And yet - it worked!  They had their first date last night and talked about it this am on the show.  Can you even imagine this is possible?

How Romantic!  Don’t you just love a love story?

Here are a couple of important takeaways from this story:
1) Don’t wait until it’s too late to say hello!  Just walk over and say hi. It’s a lot easier than what Patrick went through.  And why take the chance that you won’t be able to ever find the person again.  Take advice from the brand Nike and "Just do it!"
2) Anything is possible! Would you have thought these two would ever hook up? No way!  But they did. Was it the Law of Attraction in action again? Was it Kismet? Fate? Destiny? Regardless, Patrick followed through and so can you.

You could meet your partner any where if you are open and friendly.  Vow t o make it a practice of yours because you never know when or where you could meet "The One."  It could even be on a NY subway.

The Mom Job - It’s All The Rage

Have you ever heard of a Mom Job?  Well it’s not what you think.  It’s not oral sex that Mom performs on Dad.  It’s not part time work flexible for child care.  It’s a new way of marketing a plastic surgery package deal!  Breast Lift, Tummy Tuck and Liposuction.  Does anyone find this surprising or even shocking?

This article from the Atlanta Journal Constitution is well done ending with a discussion of how women shouldn’t be made to feel that childbirth destroys their sexy nature.  The author suggested a good bra, flattering clothing and a good workout should suffice.  Let’s be realistic - having a baby does change your body, but many women look just as good after as before. And some look better because they decide to make getting into shape a priority.

Either way - who says that only the most firm and fit are sexy?  There are plenty of women who may have extra pounds and extra curves who still emit very sexy vibes. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and beauty is much more about how you feel about yourself then how you look.  Strong self-esteem is very hot.  If you feel sexy, chances are very high that you are sexy.

OK, many men on match.com or other sites may insist they want perfection.  That’s fine - we all have requirements.  And when those requirements are unrealistic regarding body type or age or whatever - many of those men are, shall we say…still lonely. ( Of course this can be sadly true of women’s demanding requirements too.)

The point is not to succumb to some new societal pressure about being a sexy Mom, just because that’s what the media barrages us with.  You DO NOT need the body of a 20 year old to stay in love or find new love. 

Amen to that.

Don’t Throw Cold Water on His Attempts at Chivalry

Shelley Walton has a great article on SassyBean.com that totally supports my 10 Reasons why a woman should never pay on the first date. In her article Don’t Go Dutch, she explains how the last thing you want to do as a woman on a first date is throw cold water on a man’s attempt to be chivalrous.  I AGREE!

Of course for any newbies, I do have 9 other reasons why ladies shouldn’t pay which you’ll get when you sign up for my e-newsletter Kiss & Tell.

The web site SassyBean is worth visiting - filled with tons of content, plus a Q&A blog by NY’s dating coach Matt Titus - who will soon have his own dating reality show on Lifetime starting in January, 2008.  His answers are short and to the point. Get’s my vote as Worth the Surf.

The show should be interesting.  I’m not a big fan of many reality shows, but I must admit to checking out the ones about dating.  Sometimes curiosity does get the best of me.

 

Should Income Imbalance Be a Deal Breaker?

Dr. Janice Bennett, who calls herself  Doctor Love Coach, has written an article about successful women, money issues and opening up to other kinds of giving/sharing.  It’s a very good look at the dramatic changes in US society from a sociological/dating/relationship standpoint. 

As women have taken on more traditionally male high-powered jobs, that has created a strong ripple affect on their love lives. In times past, women often married up, using their good looks and sex to get a man with good income potential - a good provider.  But, if woman are going to occupy many of those "good provider" jobs, perhaps they can loosen up the need for a good provider and think of other important qualities that a life partner can offer.

For example, this study  makes my point "conducted by Michael R. Cunningham, a psychologist who teaches in the communication department at the University of Louisville. He asked college women if, upon graduation, they would prefer to settle down with a high school teacher who has short workdays, summers off and spare energy to help raise children, or with a surgeon who earns eight times as much but works brutal hours. Three-quarters of the women said they would choose the teacher."

Here are some amazing facts taken from a 9/23/07 New York Times article entitled Putting Money on the Table by Alex Williams. "For the first time, women in their 20s who work full time in several American cities — New York, Chicago, Boston and Minneapolis — are earning higher wages than men in the same age range, according to a recent analysis of 2005 census data by Andrew Beveridge, a sociology professor at Queens College in New York. .. the gap is largely driven by a gulf in education: 53 percent of women employed full time in their 20s were college graduates, compared with 38 percent of men. Women are also more likely to have graduate degrees."

Ouch - that gap is definitely going to require rethinking male marriage partner potential isn’t it?

I have several college friends who were earning over $200,000 in high powered jobs who married men that were not their professional equals. One friend married the manager of an Inn where she stayed on vacation in the South of France and another married a man who was the personal assistant of a very wealthy business man. They are happy couples with children -  it’s working out very well for them.

Personally I married a man who didn’t graduate from college. Even though I have an MBA, I figured his education didn’t have to be a factor in my MRS. He’s kind, adorable, generous, emotionally available, and supportive.  He can pretty much fix anything, leaves his job at work and comes home to make me tea.  I don’t think I’m lacking for much as a result of his not being my education or career equal.

You can say I settled if you want.  And I’ll even agree - I settled for a heart of gold and a happy relationship with a really good man.

If you are a highly successful woman reading this post, and you’d like to find love, maybe it’s time think about other qualities that would work for you in a romantic partner.  Look past the paycheck to find your very own prince charming.

 

The Downside of Puppy Love

The downside of puppy love?  Is that cleaning up the poop?  Well it can be if you rush in too quickly…

Amy, The Singles Coach wrote a great article in the Noblesville Daily Times (that’s in Indiana my friends) relating early relationships to puppy love. She talked about how puppies suck you so you fall in love right away, but things should be easier with humans because we get a trial period before we bring them home.  Brilliant!

I liken this to the concept of what I call ‘Drive-Thru Dating". The whole idea that you could instantly fall in love and have a healthy, solid relationship comes from all the instant access we have today.  But no matter how much technology we have, there are some things that still take time to brew. Like good wine and good beer. Even pizza dough takes time to rise.

Yes, you may experience immediate infatuation - but is that really love? You may have intense chemistry - but is that love?  Do I believe in love at first sight?  I’m sure it happens, but occasionally, not as the rule.

When dating, if you take your time, you’ll come through with far less cuts, scrapes and bruises. This requires using your head and not just your heart (or lust.) Approach falling in love like a lightly rolling stream rather than the rush of a steep waterfall. This will help you find a partner with sticking power over time and hopefully keep you from one disappointment and broken heart after another.

Wow that’ just might be analogy overload…

Confessions of a Matchmaker - She Recommends Using a Dating Coach!

Back on October 8 on CBS morning news and on the web site, they interviewed Patti Novak from the show Confessions of a Matchmaker - that was on A&E Saturday nights for a while.  I’ve mentioned the show before - it was pretty entertaining and Patti does use "tough love" as she calls it. .Direct and right on target.

Anyway, in this article on dating tips - Patti suggests that people try a dating coach if they are not having the success they want!  Hooray! It’s nice to be seen and mentioned as a valuable resource.  Thanks Patti.

She also has a bunch of dating tips that are to the point and very helpful. The only thing I disagree with is she says to avoid coffee dates and book stores where I think these are good ideas.

Patti may mean to avoid these options for a first date from a matchmaker and then I would agree - because you are really on a first date rather than just meeting for the first time.  From the Internet - the first meeting is still part of the screening process.  With a matchmaker like Patti - she does the initial screening for you both -so a real dinner date makes more sense.

In her tips about hiring a matchmaker, she suggests asking the matchmaker how many prospects of the opposite sex they have in their data  base to help make your decision.  I remember asking that questions to the dating service I tried years ago - no specific answer.  I doubt many would answer that question. 

First of all - it only takes a few good dates so from the matchmakers perspective - why answer and potentially chase somebody away if the number seems too small?  And its rather subjective. Who can say what the right number is?  But the third point is - they don’t want you to know if they are limited in the man department. 

I think the question should be asked anyway - if nothing else you get to watch the response. This will be more important than listening.  Because a matchmaker who is uncomfortable with the data base will squirm, blink, move his/her feet a lot, scratch his/her nose or avoid eye contact - all signs of not telling the truth or hiding something. After watching that scenario - then you can think about what the person actually said.

Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of solid matchmakers out there who are honest and doing good -offering a valuable service. Just be smart and ask a lot of questions before you hand over the cash.  Think of it like buying a car (this coming from a car-dealer’s daughter mind you.) Walk away if you feel overly pressured. You call back later to sign up if you still want to do it.  You might get a better deal.  You might not.  But either way, it’s is a good negotiation tactic and it keeps you in the driver’s seat..