Dating Over 40: Is Dating Advice from Men Better?

In an article entitled Men Do it Better from Globe Life, David Coleman and David Wygant, both dating coaches, insist that men give much better dating advice then women do for women. They claim that the advice women give is too complicated – like judging a man by his shoes or his watch. Or manipulative marketing techniques to get a guy to ask you out.

Nonsense. I always promote avoiding manipulation – who has that much energy? Plus, women want a man to pursue her of his own volition – it’s the only way a man will get invested in winning you over. Anything else is a waste of time.

Turns out I actually agree with what these two male dating coaches have to say – in terms of dating advice for women, but not in terms of how women give bad dating advice! Oh men and their egos! Nobody does it better- sounds like a James Bond movie right?

For example, check out this quote from Dave Wygant, ""Smiling at us does not mean we’ll think we’re going to get it on in the bathroom," he said. "Really, all the man’s thinking is, ‘How was I lucky enough this morning that a woman is making it easy for me for the very first time?’ "In fact, I just made this case and point last night at a workshop called he Secret to Finding Love Today in Westport, CT.

Doesn’t seem like they are overly original, even if the suggestions and point of view may be on target.

Perhaps there are those women coaches who indulge in manipulation tactics – but I’ve never been that good at anything but a straight forward, practical approach  to life and to dating.

On the other hand, good advice, whether it’s from a man or a woman is very valuable. Get it wherever you can, but do seek it out. The straight poop on dating will save you a world of time and heartache.

 

“The Secret” to Finding Love Today

Dating After Divorce: If You’re 30, Do You Think the Point of Dating is Strictly for Reproducing?

I found this article that is an interesting rebuttal to the Marry Him article about settling in the Atlantic Monthly. Meghan Daum, in the LA Times, writes about Finding Mr. Good Enough and basically questions whether having children really is every 30 something woman’s primary goal for relationship. And should it be?

Meghan seems to feel that child rearing isn’t for everyone and that is where Lori Gottlieb’s original article got off base.

I of course had my own response – focusing more on redefining what the word "Settling" really means. If it means moving beyond unrealistic expectations of men, I’m all for settling. But not feeling poorly about your choice or feeling like  you got less than you deserved. That just creates resentment.

Anyway, if you’re 30 something and thinking about your options for having children, Meghan’s article is a great quick read. She makes some excellent points. Frankly I’m just fascinated with all the different aspects of this one article Lori Gottlieb wrote – and how it spawned such a flurry of conversation.  Good for your Lori!

 

Dating Over 40: Cougars – The Newest Trend in Dating

Now that women have come into their own regarding business, career, money and power, we are starting to see evidence of how that power can turn a woman’s head. Or a younger man’s. Enter the Cougars, a term (whose origins are being argued over)  to describe a newly emerging group of s-e-x-y, 40+ women who seek the company of the younger man.

While the concept is not a new one (after all, Catherine the Great entertained younger men) it has become en vogue. We can thank  Demi Moore who influenced today’s pop culture more than anyone regarding this penchant for women to rob the cradle.

Not all Cougars want to marry or commit either. Some want to play the field, starting up a girl’s club that rivals the old boys club. In fact, Linda Franklin, a Boston based coach started the RealCougarsClub.com. Yes, I’ll admit I visited – I was curious. But you can’t see a thing unless you sign up. So I did! After all, my husband is 4 years younger, so I say that qualifies me to some degree.

Starting to explore, Linda has a busy blog and plenty of interesting discussion about dating younger men and the possible complications, twists and turns involved, when you get involved…

There’s a very long, but very interesting article in the Boston Globe that discusses the trend in detail  – starting with Barbara Walters and how she brought this topic up on the View. Too bad I didn’t get to see that show! Any way, I think it’s great reading and may get your mojo going. It’s proof that there are many ways to run your romantic life, not just the plain Jane. Skim it over and tell me what you think!

 

Successful Web Dating

Dating Over 40: When Do You Hire a Dating Coach?

I’ve heard a lot of people say that the idea of hiring a dating coach makes them feel like a loser. They feel they should be able to figure dating out on their own like most people do. Well its certainly possible. The process seems simple enough: meet men, date some, pick one and get into relationship.

But, honestly, what in life is that easy? I haven’t found anything I do to be quite that simplistic.  Personally I think life has gotten more complicated. So I look for experts to help me navigate the things I’m not that familiar with or don’t have the time and energy to figure out myself. I don’t do my own taxes – that’s for sure.

Today, the MORE.com site has a new article today called Reinventing Romance: When to Hire  a Daitng Coach which shares what a few experts have to say. One guy said he’d be suspicious of a woman who didn’t have enough confidence to date on her own. Oh really? He didn’t hesitate to get post-divorce counseling, so what’s the difference?

Another point made in the article is not to become a "Stepford Dater". I’m all for that. I don’t work with people so that they all act or date the same way. That’s rather absurd. I work with clients to be the best they can be. And to help them understand the rules of the game. There are rules, many of them unspoken and confusing to women who just want to be straight forward about dating.

Sorry to say the straight forward thing isn’t an option. How would that look – "Hey, you’re cute and earn a good living. Want to date me?" Dating just doesn’t work that way. It’s a bit of a dance, especially when you are in mid-life and have baggage. That’s why I’m here to help.

Beyond the game, dating coaching helps people who need to believe love is possible for them or need to imagine that good men do exist. This part of coaching is referred to disparagingly as "parroting mantras." Yes, I work with affirmations because I personally got excellent results and so have many, many of my clients. It’s hard to argue with what works. (Feel free to try if you must.)

Dating coaching certainly isn’t for everyone. For people who want to find love, are uncertain where to start or unhappy with their results, working with a coach can be that powerful first step to turning your love life around. And it’s a great method to shortcut vs. finding things out on your own the hard way.

Dating Over 40: Settle and Marry Him: Window Dressing vs. Personal Character

I just finished reading Lori Gottlieb’s war and peace article from the Atlantic Monthly about settling. I know I already wrote about this – but that was in response to hearing her speak on the Today Show. Now I’ve read the whole article and have a new idea about the piece.

Lori does make a case for settling, but really isn’t convinced herself. She talks about how her married friends complain about their husbands, but none of them will ship him over to her as she says. There are a few places where  Lori has really missed the boat in this article. And shipping your husband over to her is one of them. It’s called the "grass is always greener," a syndrome to which many people succumb.

Yes Lori, married women may complain about their husbands, but that doesn’t mean they want to throw him out with the bath water. It’s just that Lori, as a single mom, doesn’t have to negotiate and the married women do. So the grass LOOKS greener, but is it? Not really.

Something else that i found completely appalling was her white collar snobbery. She made comments about how women discuss settling to marry a plumber or park ranger. So they settled because he wasn’t the perfect white collar guy? Come on!

She has missed one of the biggest social phenomenon and dilemmas about dating today for woman. If you are a woman in a white collar job, you have what traditionally was a man’s job. That means that women probably occupy more than half of the jobs men use to have. So now the white collar women and non-professional women are vying for the same pool of white collar guys – and there are probably half as many proportionally! My matchmaker friend John Holt of Tri-State Dating  says that 95% of the women today want to date 5% of the men. He’s got something there.

Now, let’s stop and examine this issue. Does a white collar job make a man smarter? Not really – do you know any ivy leaguers who are surprisingly dim? I do. Does his white collar ensure he’ll be kind, generous, or monogamous? Nope. It doesn’t even guarantee a good salary or a job in today’s economy.

And let’s look at the flip side. How many plumbers do you know who got laid off in a corporate merger? And how many plumbers do you know can fix stuff?  Ah yes, there’s a benefit.

Ultimately what matters most is a man’s character:
  – Does he hold down a regular job? 
  – Does he have a similar value system? 
  – Does he treat you with respect? 
  – Do you get along well enough?
  – Do you enjoy his company?

Every time Lori talked about settling, she pointed to something that was probably a deal breaker and most likely should be. Because without some basic elements, you couldn’t possibly stay together. However, considering men from "outside the box" isn’t actually about settling. What it does mean is that you are considering more of a man’s personal characteristics and values rather than the window dressing and status of a white collar job.

Settling is more about being real with your expectations. Finding the perfect man is ludicrous. No man is perfect. No woman is perfect either. My Dad isn’t perfect – was yours? Where did this idea of perfection or ideal even come from? Yes, relationships are about compromise and an unwillingness to compromise will always mean you have trouble in relationships. That’s a simple fact of life.

But, there is a big gap between perfection and good enough to settle for. Trust me, when you start actually getting to know men for who they are, rather than what they can give you or do for you, you will start encountering a whole new crop of guys with true potential to make very good husbands.

 

 

 

Dating Over 40: Millionaire Matchmaker Snarls at the Help

Last night I watched a Millionaire Matchmaker marathon and caught up on several episodes. What did I find most entertaining? Patti flipped out when one of her matchmakerettes asked for a bigger commission. Not very flattering Patti. Didn’t you know we’re all watching? According to Patti, she already pays a higher commission than the industry standard, 20% vs. 10%.

Putting that aside, the shows are fascinating and in all honesty, Patti is pretty darn good. She’s a straight shooter with the guys. She speaks her mind freely, tells her clients where they have gone wrong and fires clients who won’t listen or follow her rules. Smart cookie. The success rate drops when working with impossible people.

I like the show’s format. She meets and interviews the guys to discover their ideal mate, then puts them through a make over when needed. Parts of the actual first date are shown, then Patti debriefs – including letting the men know if they were rejected and why. The last piece lets the audience know what happened to the couple. Many do move on to a monogamous relationship.

The show is on Bravo and is worth watching at least once, so check it out.

Dating After Divorce: Flirting Can Get You Arrested in NYC and Arkansas

Today on MSN.com, there is an article with some fun flirting tips – including that it’s illegal in New York City and Arkansas – antiquated laws that are still on the books.  To ensure you don’t get fined, or worse, you may want to read this . I wouldn’t worry to much though – both places have bigger infractions and law breakers to follow up on.

One of the best tips states that you can over do it. That is for sure. When flirting, avoid holding a gaze too long. This is considered an aggressive move so don’t over indulge. (You know the alpha-dog thing.) Only mothers and their children or lovers can hold an extended eye-lock with any comfort, so don’t over stay your look-see.

My favorite flirting benefit is that flirts have higher white blood cell counts – thus better  immune systems. Go figure. See, flirting is not only the key to dating, but also good for your health. Next time you have a cold and don’t feel like being friendly, remember the benefits and give it a try! Your immune system will thank you.

Dating Over 40: Media Spin for The Dating Coach

The Dating Coach got some great press this week.  Here are just a few of the fun items:

The front page of the CT Post!

Fox 61 News Wednesday night – this just links back to me but It’s fun to be seen

WPLR radio Monday – certainly an experience to meet the infamous Chaz and AJ
something not soon forgotten

Life style pages of the New Haven Register

And many more
It’s been a fun tour topped off with WYBC tomorrow at 10:30 with Lisa of Lunch with Lisa fame

Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

2/14/2008 – The Perfect Date – New Haven Register

The Perfect Date
New Haven Register 2/14/2008

Dating Over 40: Client Thanks Me with Valentine’s Day Card

Well here’s a new one. One of my clients sent me a Valentine’s Day card as a thank you for dating coaching.

Shelly and I worked together for a while, focusing on attitudes and beliefs that were keeping her from meeting the right men. She didn’t really think there were any good men out there. And she didn’t want to do much to try to find them either. I gave her some exercises to shift her resistance, which she actually did! We also created a Dating Attraction and Action Plan to help her cross paths with prospects.

To her credit, Shelly transformed her outlook and herself into a confident woman, in touch with her natural allure, with a savvy approach to dating. After the initial 6 sessions, Shelly called me for additional support just when she needed it.

And apparently, Shelly was well rewarded for her efforts. She happily reports she’s been dating a very nice guy for five months and is thrilled to be celebrating Valentine’s Day with him.

Will you be next? What will you do differently to change your dating karma? What will you try to meet new people? Please get some encouragement from Shelly’s experience and don’t wait another day to get started on your journey to find the love you want and deserve.

 A very Happy Valentine’s day to all. And my gift to anyone who stops by today is a fabulous
Buy One Get One Free special on anything (except the ebooks, sorry.)

Just hit the "buy now button" next to any item in the heart-mart, and in the "how’d you hear about" section of the checkout page, tell me which item of equal or lesser value you’d like as my Valentine’s gift to you. Sale ends midnight tonight, 2/14 eastern standard time.

Lots of Love from The Dating Coach!

 

2/13/2008 – Dating Expert: Relax, Have Fun – Connecticut Post

Dating Expert: Relax, Have Fun
Connecticut Post 2/13/2008

Dating Over 40: Sex Week at Yale

Can you believe this one? Back in 2002, a Yale student pulled together a few speakers for Valentine’s week and now it’s turned into a mighty extravaganza event with nationally known speakers. Sex Week at Yale covers an array of topics from p-o-r-n, to orgasm, to finding love.

And what a line up!

Dr. Ruth who needs no further introduction, Dr. Helen Fischer from the Rutgers Marriage Project (I mention her study in my book!) and also a consultant to Chemistry.com, Dr. Pepper Schwartz who works with True.com and the two guys from the VH1 show – the Pick Up Artist (that’s who I most want to see)

Here’s how the Sex Week official web site describes the event:

"Sex Week explores love, sex, intimacy and relationships by focusing on how sexuality is manifested in America, helping students to reconcile these issues in their own lives. We strive to get beyond the awkwardness, the discomfort, and the taboo of conventional sex education programs by treating sexual behavior as the reality it is, not as it has been portrayed. Through debates, seminars, fashion shows, concerts, and discussions, students are given the chance to interact formally and informally with professionals who deal with these issues every day, so they can learn about sexuality from those who are responsible for shaping it."

As it turns out, I’ll be speaking about finding love and Sex Week at Yale on WYBC in New Haven, 10:30am this coming Friday. Should be  a fun show with Lisa Wexler of Lunch with Lisa fame.

Apparently, they are making a movie about the event, but the trailer isn’t available yet. Oh well.

Let’s all do what we can to enjoy Sex Week at Yale, no matter where you are!

2/13/2008 – Woman Helps Others Befriend Cupid – Westport News

Woman Helps Others Befriend Cupid by Nicole Rivard
Westport News 2/13/2008

Dating Over 40: New Rules to Date By

Finally someone has written an article that sums up the new dating rules that will promote greater dating success.  Nina Malkin, whose article "The New Rules of Attraction" appears on the chemistry.com site, compares old and new rules and how crucial it is to make this switch to find love today.

I’ll highlight here, but make sure you read the original because it’s very well done.

Old Rule 1: You can tell if you’re truly attracted to someone in three seconds
New Rule 1: You can’t tell if you’re truly attracted to someone until you’ve had three dates 
“ ‘Love at first sight’ is a familiar romantic notion, and in our increasingly fast-paced world, it’s darn convenient But experts recommend cultivating a bit more patience, sticking to a three-date minimum to know for sure whether you’re a match (or not)."

New Rule 2: A “must list” looks great on paper, but paper won’t keep you warm at night 
Old Rule 2: Your mate must meet all the criteria on your “must list” 
"Unless you’re building your lover in a lab, you’re missing out" I say this as well – perfection won’t keep you warm at night. And by the way, you’re not perfect either so loosen up and be more realistic and accepting. You’ll probably connect best with a human and Angelina Jolie already has Brad Pitt’s attention.

Old Rule 3: Your first kiss should be a toe-curling experience
New Rule 3: Your first kiss is inconsequential Old rule: 
"Rather than write someone off following a less-than-mind-blowing kiss, smile and move in slowly for smooch number two, either at that moment or on a subsequent date. Trust us, you owe it to yourselves."

Old Rule 4: When it’s true love, you think about this person constantly
New Rule 4: When it’s true love, thinking about this person makes you feel good
“Constantly thinking about another person isn’t love, it’s infatuation, and infatuation has no correlation with being a good match,” says Fleming. Ultimately, it’s a better gauge to assess the quality of your thoughts rather than the quantity.

This is a great one to comment ladies so tell me what you think

 

Dating After Divorce: Three Ways to Get Ready for Love

“The Secret” to Finding Love Online

• Adopt Dater’s Mind for greater success
• Connect with your Inner Goddess to build confidence and allure
• Use Yin and Yang Dating Philosophy to date with more grace
• Heighten feminine charm and flirt for the sheer fun of it
• Meet more men than ever!

• How to write a captivating profile
• How to take the best photos
• How to write emails that will get a response
• What to avoid and watch out for
• First date suggestions
• Savvy safety tips and so much more!

Dating Over 40: Marry Him – Atlantic Monthly’s Article on Why Women Should Settle

Raise your hand if you’ve ever thought about settling? A lot of women swear they would never settle, while others claim they have. Some settlers are very happy with their choice, while others are less enthusiastic about their results.

Most of this is irrelevant if you ask me, because first we need to establish what it means to SETTLE.

MSN.com has a video from the Today Show entitled "Should Women Settle" It was there yesterday but today you’ll need to use their  video search option. Anyway they interviewed 4 single women who refuse to settle and talk about friends who did who have heavy hearts. Then the interview shifts to Laurie Gottlieb, the author of the Atlantic Monthly’s article that featured this concept of settling. She talks about how she thinks 30 something women should settle earlier because you’ll have to make even more concessions later in life. Interesting…

Then they talked to Katelyn, matchmaker to the Stars who says it’s better to remain single than be lonely in your own marriage.

Here’s what I think. Both are correct.

How can I say that? It goes back to my point – we need to carefully define settling. According to the Dating Goddess (who is next month’s Decoding Dating interview by the way) she feels that women have let Brad Pitt completely ruin their chances for love.

The  Hollywood ideal of what is romantic is so unrealistic and overboard, that you may in fact remain single if you seek than type of man. Brad Pitt or George Clooney perfection does not actually exist. Remember they are in the movies. Make believe stories.

That’s what I think Laurie Gottlieb means. As Dr, Phil would say, "Get real about your choices." That has nothing to do with settling for someone you don’t genuinely like, someone who offends your sense of morals or values, or someone who doesn’t treat you with respect and caring. That’s what comes to mind about Katelyn, the matchmaker’s idea of settling.

No, I doubt that is what the Atlantic monthly writer means at all. She herself bemoans the number of fine men she discounted because while they were great guys, cute, smart, well-employed, she just didn’t feel that immediate spark. No Brad Pitt, heart throbbing,  intense sexual attraction.

And that is a very sad trap to which countless women succumb.

It’s easy to discount a man and cross him off your list. "I don’t like his hair, his clothes, his apartment’s decor, his laugh, his hobbies, his job." But, many of these men would be wonderful partners if you could get past your initial and often erroneous snap judgment and spend time getting to know the prince who lies beneath. You’d probably be pleasantly surprised.

In my 30′s, I did this very same thing. The few men I did meet did not interest me at all. But once I hit 40, I had to rethink what was truly important to me. Did I need my own mirror image of schooling, career success, income, and interests? No. I decided what I really needed what a man with a good heart, who listened to me, accepted and supported me emotionally, was easy to be with, honest, sweet and attractive to me.

I’m extremely happy that I settled. And I highly recommend that you identify for yourself what is crucial to your happiness vs. Hollywood window dressing that you can do without, but might be nice should it come your way.

Read more about how I settled for a heart of gold.

Dating Over 40: MRI Tracks Love in the Brain

Can evidence for love be found in brain chemistry? A resounding YES is the answer as reported in the Wall Street Journal’s article today entitled, Keeping Love Alive. Not only that, but it has been established that while many long-term couples do experience a slow decline in satisfaction over time, there are certain people who have managed to maintain that fabulous new love feeling even after 11 years of marriage! 

Meet Mrs. Tucker who is one of the subjects whose brain scans proved earlier theories that love doesn’t last wrong. Thank you Mrs. Tucker for your wonderful MRI results. This is very exciting work and as studies continue, new findings show that the results aren’t culturally related. A study in China had very similar results.

A study conducted in 2005 by Dr. Helen Fischer of Rutgers University, along Drs. Aron and Brown, looked at 17 college volunteers who had recently fallen in love and established a link between romantic love and reward-seeking brain circuitry  thought to be linked to deep motivations like thirst or drug addiction.  You may have actually heard of Doc Helen because of her connection to Chemistry, Match.com’s answer to e-Harmony.

Ever heard of dopamine? Well that’s what showed up in this newest study – the brain chemical related to pleasure also happens to be connected to love. Seems like love is the drug you’ve been thinking of.  Gee, that might make for good song lyrics…

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