7 Darn Good Reasons Why Younger Men Date Older Women

There are countless reasons why a younger man might date an older woman, but this week, I’ll give you a list of seven reasons that are the most probable from this dating coach’s perspective. Today, you’ll find three below. More will follow later this week so check back!

Stop by again later this week to discover four more darn good reasons why young men fall for older women.

8 Minute Dating is Back in CT!

Good news! For a long time now, 8 Minute Dating has been lacking in hostesses and so there haven’t been many events. But in Arpil Hartford has three events up to age 49 and New Haven County has three as well. For some reason, two of the events are actually listed in New Haven, and one is listed in Fairfield County, but is taking place in Orange.

Any way, I’m a huge fan of this method for meeting new people, if you…

• Can go with a smile
• Just plan to meet new people and have fun
• Are willing to be friendly
• Consider making male friends who by the way, might know other singles guys
• Are open to meeting new female friends asa dating buddy

There are five simple things you can do to  make these events more fun and more fruitful:

1. Ask fun questions, like favorite food or vacation spot
2. No grilling or going for the hard facts - save it or you won’t get any dates
3. Just see if you can have a simple conversation
4. Be a bit more open-minded about who might be worth getting to know
5. Think of this as a fabulous playground for practicing flirting and conversation skills

If you live in CT - sign up today - please don’t wait because women sign up faster than men and you’ll get closed out. (Of course, this is true for other states as well.)

And if you live in another state - visit www.8MinuteDating.com to see what’s available in your area.
Plus here are a few other options in case 8 Minute Dating isn’t not in your neck of the woods;

www.pre-dating.com
www.nyeasydates.com
www.speeddating.com
www.hurrydate.com
www.briefdating.com (Northampton, MA area)

Or go to Google and type in "speed dating + your city" to discover what’s available near you.

Have fun out there and keep smiling!

 

Katie Couric - She’s a Cougar with a Boyfriend of 33

Have you seen Katie Couric lately? I don’t watch the news so I haven’t been keeping up but she looks really good. And she seems to be smiling a lot - why is that you may wonder. well at 51, Katie is dating Brooks Perlin, a rich, entrepreneur of just 33 years. Gee, that’s an 18 year difference. Hence the newest of labels applies here - "Cougar."

Scuttlebutt says that she wanted to marry this guy but her kids said "No way Mom."  What do you think about your kids telling you how to run your love life? Not having any children, I’m not quite sure what I think about this - but it could make for a great discussion…

How she met this triathlon running guy from Darien, CT? At a high-end cancer fund raiser. You want to find the rich? That’s one place they frequent - expensive fund raisers of all kinds.

Anyway, the couple has been seen at New York clubs like Gramercy Hotel’s Rose Bar and "21" Club, skiing in Sun Valley and  at the Super Bowl in Miami. I say, "Katie - you go girl. Have some fun for all of us!"

 

Diary of a Mid-Life Dater - Open Your Heart to Love

Here’s the latest installment of our mid-life dater series, Shellie’s adventure in finding love. To recap where we are, Shellie has been seeing Mitch for close to 8 weeks. She’s been enjoying the slow build, getting to know and appreciate Mitch which is contrary to her usual jump-in with both feet approach.

Shellie tends to go for the charmers which has a way of not working out well. But not this time. And me, the dating coach, is very excited because a new type is often the key to a long and satisfying relationship.

So, the update

Shellie is starting to get cold feet. In our last conversation, she shared her increasing concerns about this guy who doesn’t fit her ideal picture of the right man. The last man she dated was far more sophisticated, refined and …aloof. White collar versus blue collar.

We’ve spent time talking about these differences and what they really mean to her. To her credit, Shellie says that she can see how intelligent Mitch is without his having been to college. He reads a lot of news, is into learning about investing and managing his retirement account. She likes that.

On the other hand, Mitch doesn’t always pronounce words correctly and sometimes talks too loudly. Places where he doesn’t fit the picture. He’s not that refined. Yet he’ll say yes to almost anything she wants to do, and let me tell you, Shellie isn’t totally mainstream. She may want to go to a costume party (not on Halloween) or to a spiritual dance and chant. Mitch goes along with most of it. Sounds good to me.

Shellie admits that she can already tell he’s the kind of good-hearted guy who would do anything for her. Isn’t that what she wants? She also realizes she might be making excuses and pushing this man away with her internal criticism ,as the real thing might be closer than she thought possible. Hmmm. taht gives pause for some thought. Pretty good insight.

By chance I actually ran into them this weekend and the minute I met Mitch, I could tell he has "the one" potential. Who knows, that gut reaction is no guarantee. But I really encouraged Shellie to please open her heart to this man. She’s attracted to him, he treats her well, they get along, laugh together, and enjoy each other. And he tells her he’d like this relationship to last a long time.

Can she get past the perfection of her ideal image, to be real?  Can she open her heart to great guy when she sees one? I sure hope so. I’ll keep you posted.

Read previous posts here and here about Shellie’s mid-life dating adventure.

Should a Woman Bring Up the Topic of Marriage?

Pardon my fury, but I can’t help but get riled up when I read advice like this from another dating professional.

Matt of Matched in Manhattan (Lifetime network show) writes an advice column for a site called SassyBean. In this post, a woman states how in love she is with her boyfriend and that she’d like to bring up marriage. Matt advices strongly against it with the "bite your lip" philosophy of dating. He thinks women should never bring it up because men have a "birth defect" about commitment and they’ll run.

Oh come on!

Let’s get serious - If women didn’t bring up the future, how many would ever get married? I had to bring it up in month seven. We didn’t agree to get engaged until month 13, but what would have happened if I kept my desire to myself?

As one dating coach to another, I’ll cut Matt a little slack because the SassyBean web site appeals to younger women.  True, younger men are  less inclined to commit. On the other hand, some men will never commit regardless of how old they get.

For women 35+, I say BRING IT UP!  You are better served by letting your man know what you want or suffer the consequences of hanging in limbo from now until…

Of course, HOW and WHEN you bring this up is another story. As to the when, maybe not in the first three to six months. No one likes to feel rushed. And, you have to see if your romance has any  longevity before you start thinking about your MRS.

However, I’m a firm believer in bringing this up right at the start when you’re dating online . State your relationship goal right in your profile. Then there’s no confusion about what you are looking for. This is very different than speaking to your man about when the two of you might get hitched.

As to the how, foot stomping, demanding or crying will not help your cause. Find a way to ease into the conversation.  This way he’ll know what’s coming.  What’s so bad about asking, "Do you think about a future together?"  While there are some rare guys who will make a plan, buy a ring and propose without any prompting, my bet is that at least 75% of couples (or more) discuss marriage before the man is ready and before the ring is purchased.

Yes, you don’t want to chase the guy away. Unless he doesn’t want what you want and then you’d be better off knowing so you can make new plans accordingly. At some point, the vast majority of women bring this up.  Maybe Matt gives better advice to guys.

Evaporating Romance - Why Divorce Can Create a Disappearing Act

Last night I met a woman at a networking event who was distraught from the recent demise of her latest relationship. As Karen told me her story, I started to recognize the pattern before she could even finish.

Her relationship with Scott started out with a bang. They met online and got close very quickly. He seemed totally smitten with Karen, having told her that several times right from the start. Although Scott lived an hour away, he made an effort to see Karen two- three times a week and talked on the phone daily.

In addition to all the attention, Karen really enjoyed time with Scott. She was very attracted to him, respected him. They seemed to be in sync regarding the pace of the romance, how much time to spend together and shared the same long-term picture. In month two he not only told Karen he loved her, but told his and her friends and families that she was the woman for him.

At the end of month two, the shift began abruptly. First he suddenly had his son every weekend. Then he had emergency work twice on nights they had dates planned, but he made no attempt to reschedule. In fact, he was annoyed that Karen was disappointed. Their time together waned, with not even a once a week date.

Finally Karen did the only thing left to do with dignity, which was break up, explaining that she wants to see the person she’s dating on a regular basis, and for whatever reason he longer seemed to care.

So what happened? Scott was not completely free. Although his profile said he was divorced, he in fact was not quite finished with the proceedings. His divorce did become final at the end of the second month…when all the trouble began.

Having never been divorced, I’m sure I can’t really imagine what it’s like. But I do know what people have told me. No matter why the divorce, it’s never fun or pretty. It takes a big emotional toll no matter who you are - and only time can heal that.

So, while Scott might have thought he was ready for relationship, clearly he was not.

Therapists say it takes a full year to be emotionally ready for the next long-term relationship. Is it possible sooner? Of course there are exceptions to every rule. But why chance it? Do your best to steer clear of candidates that are mid-divorce, or even freshly divorced. It’s not an easy rule sometimes, but it can save you the heartache that Karen is now feeling.

The last word on this was my advice to Karen. "Please don’t think that his change of heart and disappearing act is your fault. Scott has an emotional issue which is not a reflection on the quality woman you are." It’s not easy to do. But the idea that she had done something to push him away is highly unlikely in this case and I’d hate to see this impact her self-esteem.

Karen left me with a bit of a smile and feeling more hopeful. That’s what my job is all about.

 

Why No Weekend Dates? Catch on to Tell-Tale Signs

Did you ever date a guy who you had a great time with and saw weekly, but for some reason, never on the weekends?

What’s up with that?

I met this guy at a singles dance. Very attractive, kind of macho even.  Sort of a bad boy still at 40. You know the kind of guy. We caught each other’s eyes as I walked to the ladies room. On the way out, he struck up a conversation. Hmmm. Very interesting as I recall.

He asked me to dance. Great dancer. Wow a man who seems sure of himself. We danced a few times. Walked over to the table and talked a while.  He asked for my number, then leaned down to give me a kiss on the cheek. Who is this guy?

Yeah, he called in a couple of days and asked me out to dinner. Friday night came and we had our date. An amusing fellow, I was intrigued, curious, taken in by his European good looks, charm, and accent.

After that night, he called me and we went out several more times. When I was with him, I felt the most alluring I had ever felt in my entire life. We definitely had that steamy chemistry women always talk about, drool over.

Yet, at the same time, I started to feel confused. After our first date, we never saw each other again on a weekend night. Monday, Tuesday, Thursday - sure. Maybe even a Sunday afternoon. But never another Friday or Saturday night. What could this possibly be about? I had no idea.

I started to ask around. Did anyone have an explanation for this strange behavior? Nope, not a one. Not a single girlfriend could figure it out.  So one night I decided to just ask him. "Hey Romeo," I said (OK not his real name, but he was the most romantic man I had ever dated) "How come we never get together on weekend nights?"

I know this will shock you, but he actually answered me. He said, "I have to see my girlfriend sometime." Like the needle being pulled across an old LP record making a deep scratch - that’s how that answer registered with me. I said, "What? What did you say?" Romeo responded with a nonchalant air, "I have a girlfriend for two years now. I see other women, but not on the weekends."

If I hadn’t heard this directly from the horses mouth, would I have believed it?

That was the end of Romeo. But this episode spawned an eye-opening look into "Men’s World" and how some men, not all by any means, think. If you’re dating a guy who doesn’t have time of the weekends for you, TRUST ME, something is not right. Be brave and ask him about it to see what kind of answer he provides.

He may change the subject, skirt the issue, have a standard answer or make something up. Regardless of the words that come out of his mouth, if he’s uncomfortable delivering the answer - you know something is not right. Watch body language and especially eye contact. Did he look right at you when he answered? Did he turn away? You know the signs of a liar - so pay attention to details of his response.

If you’re in casual dating mode and don’t mind sharing the guy, then no big deal. But if you’re hoping to move toward a long-term relationship, Mr. No-Weekends is probably not your man. 

 

How Come He Flirts via Email, But Doesn’t Ask Me Out?

Have you encountered one of these guys? The banter and flirting back and forth via the Internet is fantastic. He has such a great sense of humor and seems really fun and interested in you. After all, why would he waste so much time flirting with you if he didn’t like you? And if he likes you that much, he must be attracted, so he must want to date you right?

Nope. Not necessarily. Surprising as it may seem, some men just want to email, some men just want to flirt, and some men want to flirt via telephone. But that has nothing to do with actually asking you out or meeting you. For some reason, these men get their needs met just from these exchanges and don’t feel the need to take things to the next step. You know - dating. Live, in-person communication.

But why? Well there are so many possibilities! Maybe:

• Mr. Flirty is married, so this is a safe way to flirt but not actually cheat 
• He’s dating someone, but still wants to flirt
• Flirting with you boosts his ego
• Flirting is so much fun - it’s a great creative outlet
• Flirting with you is safe - not much risk via email
• That’s not his photo on his  profile, so he can’t meet you
• He’s not really interested in dating right now
• He’s not capable of much more than flirting
• He likes the fantasy better than the real thing
• He likes flirting with you, but knows you aren’t the right one for him

And I’ve just started to scratch the surface. There are as many potential reasons for this perplexing behavior as there are men.

The point is - don’t waste time trying to figure this out. Because you’ll never really know. It’s one of life’s big mysteries.

Here’s What You Can Do
Stop responding to his emails or engaging with him - this wastes your time and romantic energy. The last thing you want is a pen pal who will frustrate the heck out of you and take up space in your heart. Don’t get sucked into the email (or telephone) game and fantasy. Save your energy for a real man who is ready for relationship. A guy who wants to meet you, get to know you. and spend time with you.

Reframe the Episode
Keep in mind that it’s not all wasted energy if you’ve been in this situation. After all, it is flattering. He was attracted enough to spend time flirting. You must be fun to flirt with. You are probably even good at flirting right? And maybe you learned a few new flirty tricks along the way. That’s all good. 

Look at the situation as a fun learning experience. Let it boost your own ego, sense of appeal, allure and ability to attract men. Then re-commit yourself to finding the right man for you and MOVE ON!

There are plenty more men to flirt with, so find one who has the same dating agenda as you do - finding a loving, healthy, long-term relationship.

 

Millionaire Matchmaker Ends with Proposal-Please Don’t Try This at Home!

Did you catch the last episode of Patti Stanger’s Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo? What a shocker! One of her clients, Paul met his first match, Cidney, and during the date while flying around in a helicopter, he asked her to marry him! I was stunned.

Talk about love at first sight. Is that really possible? Maybe it was altitude sickness?

And what did the Cidney say in response? Her exact words were a hesitantly delivered "I’ll consider it."  Yet, it appeared that Paul heard her say "Yes," and  called to tell Patti. You can watch the video clip after-date interviews of both parties here

And as it turns out, Cidney moved from LA to live with him in Las Vegas while they start planning their wedding! I can’t possibly use enough exclamation points to convey my emotional reaction.

Well I suppose this is no different than an arranged marriage, but on national TV in the USA? Paul was totally taken with Cidney, she looks good, is intelligent and well educated, comes from a good family, is the same religion, and shares the goal of marrying and starting a family.

Why shop around? Paul decided to just go for it.

OK, I’ve watched enough TV for a while. Dear readers, please don’t try this at home. This is Reality TV after all and not REAL LIFE. but it did make for good TV and that’s what the goal was here.

So the season wraps up with a kicker! Whoa. Let’s see if it comes back for another round - and how do you follow that act?

Diary of a Mid-Life Dater - News on the New Man

Spoke with Shellie again yesterday. Things with Mitch are percolating along.  It seems Mitch likes to bring her little presents. A small fruit bread he baked, some fruit he canned last summer.  Hmmm, not the traditional fare but sweet none the less. And the man cooks! Wa-hoo!

Shellie repeated again how different Mitch is. Plus, the way things are unfolding in their courtship varies dramatically from previous romances. First of all, she’s not head over heels. Usually she’s mad crazy about the guy - the results of falling for a charmer I’m sure. Instead, Shellie very cutely and shyly admitted that she likes Mitch more and more each time they get together. A slow build if you will.

Why does this matter? Well for one thing, a slow build gives you time to learn more about each other without being all gaga if you get my drift. It keeps you sane and on a more even keel, yet it’s still fun.

Oh, I know, that’s probably your preference. But more often than not, intense passion leads to disappointment in the not too distant future. When you can get to know a man without the frenzied chemistry, you give yourself a chance to see if he really has potential. You can gather data (you know my position - dating is really an abbreviation for data-gathering) about him such as -

• When does he call and how often?
• How much time in between calls?
• What are the conversations like?
• How often does he see you?
• Does he set up the next date before leaving the current date?
• Does he open the door?
• Ask about you?
• Try to please you?
• Do you have fun together?
• Does he respect you and you him?

All of these facts provide crucial details for dating decisions, but often get overlooked or tossed aside in favor of passion that sadly manages to burn out as quickly as it erupted. Dating, the first four to 10 dates is more like a fact-finding mission to catalog results and behavior. Seems too clinical? But, how else can you know if this is the right man for you? When yuo date with your heart and your head, you have a better chance of making the right choices.

That’s why Shellie’s new experience with Mitch is such a good thing. Not only is the relationship unfolding at a pace that allows breathing room, but she’s still not totally taken-in, so she remains emotionally safer then when you dive in heart first. A wait-and-see attitude can save you from heart break for sure.

Stay tuned for more about Shellie’s mid-life dating adventure. Personally I’m on the edge of my seat.

The Secret To Finding Love Today - How to Apply the Law of Attraction to Create the Love-Life You Want!

• Adopt Dater’s Mind for greater dating success
• Heighten your feminine allure and appeal
• Connect with your Inner Goddess to build confidence
• Flirt for the sheer fun of it
• Meet more men than ever!

Feng Shui, Flirting and Feminine Allure

Diary of a mid-Life Dater - When the New Man Shows Up

How exciting! One of my clients has just connected with a new man with real potential. Honestly, we are both thrilled. And she has allowed me to share her story with you in this new series of posts- Diary of a Mid-Life Dater.

Shellie has been divorced for 15 years. Her marriage ended when she was still quite young so she is just 48. I’ve been working with Shellie on and off for nearly four years and the changes have been remarkable.

The Background
When I first met Shellie, she was really wanting to date and longing for love. She told me about the many things she had done to find love and was fairly disappointed with her results. Being spiritually-minded, Shellie had tried almost everything in the book to attract love into her life, including:

• Candle Lighting
• Body Work
• Affirmations
• Prayer
• Visualization, etc.

You get the idea. Interestingly enough, Shellie had missed one very important step in the self-help arena. While these are all wonderful MANifesting techniques (many of which I share in my book MANifesting Mr. Right, Chapter 7), she had done nothing to actually go out and meet men. This may seem obvious, but I can’t tell you how many times clients tell me this sort of thing.

Shellie actually looked at me with great surprise as I suggested she should come up with her own Dating Action Plan. What ways would she like to try to cross paths with single men? We worked on this together. And within the past few years she has had two long-term relationships. Even though neither worked out, she was still glad for everything that had transpired and what she learned from both men.

Shellie’s Type
Most women, not all, have a type of guy to which they are most attracted. No exception, Shellie admits that she prefers confident, charming men who know how to take charge. Unfortunately, these men also tend to be womanizers. That is who she attracts, even though she doesn’t want to be with such a man. But similar personality flaws are part of the package deal when you have a type.

However, in the last six months, there has been a new and very noticeable shift in Shellie. She’s been enjoying her life more. She’s been dressing more femininely. She’s been a lot more friendly. And she’s been meeting new guys every where she goes.

So many times women write to me asking where they can find elligible single men of means - as if there is a certain place they all hang out and only a few special people know the location. (As if I’d be one of those people?) Sorry, but this is just not true. And what Shellie demonstrates so beautifully is that it doesn’t matter all that much where you go. What matters is WHO ARE YOU WHEN YOU MEET THE MEN?   

How She Met the New Man
A few weekends ago, Shellie went with a bunch of friends to a singles dance. She was her usual self - dancing and having a great time. On one trip back from the ladies room, her eyes locked with Mitch’s. She said they just looked at each other and started talking like everything was as it should be. Shellie and Mitch danced the rest of the night together. Then he asked for her number.

Mitch called Shellie the next day and asked her out for the following weekend. They chatted a bit during the week, but not too much. Their first date was to a local concert. Shellie was, shall we say, very excited. Mitch is definitely one of the good guys in her mind and she really enjoyed the date and his company. Plus, he was a really good kisser, always a bonus for Shellie. They proceeded to have two more dates the next weekend.

Dinner at Mitch’s
Then the first potential hiccup happened. Mitch invited Shellie over for dinner. With her antennae up, Shellie was concerned because we had talked many times about not going to someone’s house until you feel ready for intimacy. This strategy helps avoid those "I just couldn’t help it " scenarios that crop up from time to time. She decided she wanted to go any way and planned her quick exit in case it was needed. Not needed though, Mitch was a total gentleman.

Mitch is Different
After Mitch cooked Shellie dinner, she reported in to me about the date. Everything went well and she had a very nice time, again. Then, Shellie spoke the magic words (they’re magic from a dating coach’s perspective) "He’s different than the other guys I tend to date." Eureka!!!

When a client tells me the person they are seeing is different from the usual suspects, I get cautiously excited. Because one thing I know for sure - when you get past your type and stretch your comfort zone to consider a new personality, you are so much more likely to find a good match!  

We’re wait for the next piece of news to see how things are going, but personally I’m feeling rather optimistic. More to follow…

 

 

 

 

When Will I be Stale on Match.com?

The other day my client Cheryl asked me if after a year on Match, was she now considered stale?

I thought this was a fascinating question. How long does it take before you should switch sites to be considered new again?  I responded by asking a few questions:

Was her profile still getting viewed?
Was she still getting email from men?
Had she been making an changes or updates to her profile?
Was she sick of the whole thing and thinking she needed a break for emotional reasons

Cheryl answered yes to the first three and no to the fourth. Well then, she’s not stale is she?

So here 4 tips to  ensure your profile keeps working for you and continues to attract men.

1) Change something small every week or two. This will help to keep you at the top of the list and make the algorithms think your profile is new.

2) When you get your photos taken, don’t post them all. You only need  two or three up at a time, a head shot, a full-body shot and something else. Save those others so you can change pictures as time moves on. For example, if your hit rate slows down - new pictures could beef things up again.

3) Change your headline. Try something wacky, catchy or unusual. Pick a couple of adjectives and put them together in unlikely combinations. Something like Dancing Kayaker, Red-Headed N Green-Minded, Easy-Going Golfer…

4) Recently, I was listening to a podcast about Internet dating and the suggestion was made to change sites every month to stay fresh. That’s a bit excessive. But you may want to change after two or three months. Or you could add a site if your profile traffic slows a lot. For monetary reasons, you can always hide your profile for a while if it’s cheaper to pay for the long haul.

On the other hand, if you are unsatisfied with your results and tired of the process, then maybe it’s time to take a break. But not too long. Time off can help you shift your mind set and renew your willingness to keep going. Too much time off can get to be a habit. If you need to cool it for a month or two, why not? But as time marches on, it becomes harder and harder to break non-dating inertia. You may slip back into old habits and attitudes that you worked hard to break free of.

A short breather will energize you and allow you to relax before returning to meeting new people. If this sounds like something you need - go ahead and take a break.  Try some other methods like speed dating or singles dances. Or take a complete break. Just keep your sites on your goal of finding love and remember, Mr. Right isn’t likely to knock on your door. You’ll need to cross his path to find him, so staying active is key to successful dating.