Dating Advice: Are you ready to have the time of your life or waiting to get motivated?

My client Sharon called in for her monthly coaching appointment last night. We talked about how things were going on her dating journey. What had she done to find the love she wants?

When I Use the Law of Attraction, Can I Visualize Colin Firth?

Dear Ronnie,

There’s something that has always stumped me about trying to do visualization and work with the Law of Attraction. I’m supposed to visualize what I want and make lists of the characteristics: i.e. a guy who is happy, self-sufficient, fun to be with, smart, attractive (at least to me), healthy, etc. 

But to do this, do I have to physically picture someone?  I don’t want to picture any of my ex-boyfriends because then I’ll be asking for more of the same.  Nor do I want to picture a movie star (although if we’re putting in an order to God, can I have Colin Firth, please?). 

What do you tell women to do?  Should I see myself with a partner without seeing the actual partner?  How do I handle this?

Looking for love,
Carmen in Michigan

 

Dear Carmen ,

Hey, I’m into Colin too, but chosing a male image isn’t necessary. You don’t need to visualize – you need to FEEL. That’s the new formula for woking with the Law of Attraction. So, imagine what it feels like to be with the right man – and keep your eyes closed if it helps you pretend.

It’s the emotion that’s supposed to raise your energy to vibrate at the level that will attract what you want.

Turns out you don’t need an image at all. And you don’t even need to go through your list of qualities.

Just determine how you’d feel with the right man. Would you feel cherished, loved, sexy, lucky, complete, blissful, smiling from ear to ear, desired, wanted, satisfied, happy, jumping for joy, ecstatic, etc. You get the idea.  Pick three descriptions of how you feel with the right man for you.

Once that’s done, say the following sentence to yourself and FEEL it!

With the right man, I feel ___________,  ____________, and _____________

Most people who have done this exercise report excellent results. It will take some time. And the amount of time required varies for each person.

Be patient. And have faith that this is working. Of course it’s working, because it’s your destiny to find the right man for you and the love you desire. Why should’nt you have it? Why shouldn’t you find him? There’s no reason on earth that you shouldn’t have what you want.

So work on building your faith and BELIEVE the right man for you is out there AND you will meet him. If you need help believing, check out my New Affirmation CD -  I BELIEVE which can really make a tremendous difference in your MANifesting abilities.

Have fun!
Ronnie

Some Dating Advice for Men (and Women) - The Art of Small Talk

This weekend I met with a new male client who is 47, wants to find a woman, get married and have children. He’s an average looking guy, personable enough, has a good job, owns his own home. What’s the hitch?

 

Recently Joe tried speed dating and chose two women, but they didn’t choose him back. That happens all the time, but I asked, "What did you talk about in those eight minutes?"

 

He explained how he only used his half of the eight minutes to tell the women him about himself, his job, etc. Then he asked his speed dates to talk about themselves. My jaw dropped. I said "Joe, you can’t do that. That’s not a conversation. That’s called ‘Running your Resume’ and women don’t like it. Instead, the best thing you can do is ask the woman a question and focus the conversation on getting to know her." Joe responded with quite a bit of anger, "I’m not interested in small talk!" Huh? That’s ridiculous.

 

I explained to Joe that dating is a game with some pretty specific rules and if he doesn’t want to play, he probably won’t win. I don’t mean a game of manipulation or dishonestly. Getting to know someone requires give and take and so does conversation. You have to start somewhere. And spitting out a bunch of factoids is not a conversation.

 

I told Joe that women want to know he’s interested and asking her questions demonstrates this. He’ll get plenty of points which will give him an advantage over probably 75% of the other single men.

 

He literally waved me off with his hand, making it perfectly clear he wasn’t going to do any such thing. Yet, his very next question was laced with frustration because he doesn’t understand why people don’t ask him questions. For example, he asks his colleagues at work about themselves, their kids, their hobbies, but no one ever asks him anything about himself.

 

I smiled. "Joe, may be you volunteer too much unsolicited information" Think of this exchange like a business networking meeting. Proper etiquette requires that you don’t give your card to someone who doesn’t ask for it. You ask for theirs, then hope they ask for yours in return. Many people today don’t follow this guideline, but that’s how it’s supposed to work.

 

When he starts rattling off details about himself, Joe probably offers too much and doesn’t stop to think if the other person even cares. They get more details then they want – what’s left to ask?

 

Finally, Joe paused to think. It sure looked like an ah-ha moment.

 

There’s no getting around the small talk of dating, just like there’s no way to directly meet your wife/husband. Dating is a process and skipping steps is very unlikely.  Engaging in small talk improves your conversation skills and allows you to get comfortable with talking to strangers. If you feel like Joe and want to avoid talking to new people, you are missing a valuable opportunity to meet and connect with new prospects.

 

Whether you’re a woman or a man, when you meet someone new, get curious about them. The more people you talk to people, the more comfortable you’ll become, which builds confidence and your attractiveness. It’s a fabulous chain reaction! Begin to enjoy and excel at this process and your romantic life will flourish. So will the rest of your life as well.

 

I Want a Man Who is Just Like Me

I promised more from Thursday night’s workshop. so the saga continues!

More and more, I find that women in their 30’s and 40’s want to date men who meet very specific criteria. Many women know exactly what they are looking for including energy level, activities and interests, and economic status or promise.

 

When is it OK to Call a Man?

Last night’s workshop at Pymander Books was fabulous! What  a great group. A few very intersting tid bits came up in discussion that I wanted to share with you this morning.

First off, there were nine women (mostly 40’s and 50’s) and one young guy (Billy) - guessing early 30’s. That made for an interesting mix, especially when we started talking about the cougar thing - younger men/older women…

Anyway, we were gabbing about dating protocol (the third section of my book, MANifesting Mr. Right) and calling. When a guy calls, how often, how much time in between, etc. You get the idea. Well Billy chooses that time to chime in.

Billy: "So, it’s not good to wait too long to call a woman?"

Ronnie: "Not really. Waiting means you aren’t that interested."

Billy:  "Well how quickly shoul dI cal?"

Ronnie: "You don’t want to look to anxious or clingy, so you don’t have to call the same night (after a date) or the next day (although that would be nice.) but certainly with in two days, if you really are interested in her.

The only time this wouldn’t be true, is if your dating agenda is to date casually. Then you can call whenever you want, because you aren’t trying to move into relationship.

However, if the woman doesn’t want a casual relationship, she will probably cut you lose at that point. That’s exactly why, IF YOU DO like a woman and want to see more of her, you shouldn’t wait to call. Women feel you aren’t attentive or  interested when you don’t actively pursue."

Billy: "Oh, I didn’t know."

He didn’t know this? Doesn’t this seem so incredibly basic? I am completely amazed. Another example of the ridiculous amount of confusion there is in dating roles and how the game works. In Billy’s defense, he is a young 30 something. So perhaps being that age, things are less clear. Especially in this day and age of aggressive women.

You know I’m dying to coach Billy. What an impact dating coaching could have on this handsome guy. Whew!

So if this has happened to you and you are saying to yourself,  "See Ronnie, I told you I should have called him!" 

Well, I guess that’s why I always say, if you want to call or email a guy once, who seems to have fallen off the map, go ahead. Just don’t do this repeatedly. One sweet nudge, one friendly hello is perfectly fine. That’s when it’s OK to call a man. But repetitively prompting a fellow who isn’t responsive is just not a good idea.

Now I hear you asking, "Well why not?"

Because, you want a man who is interested enough to pursue you. If you have to do something to get him to call, email or even see you, he isn’t taken with you. And he won’t get invested in winning you over.

Why would you want to be with a man you have to chase? This often turns into a convenient booty call for the man. A woman who is willing to take over the pursuit will do almost anything to win a man over. My bet is, that’s not what you had in mind or a good situation.

When a man takes the initiative to pursue you, he gets emotionally invested in wiining you over, pleasing you, making you happy and usually (not always) building a relationship. So, if you desire a relationship, this is the best strategy to follow. Let him pursue, email, call and ask you out. Then go, smile and enjoy!

I’ll fill you in on more tomorrow.

 

“The Secret” to Successful Web Dating

Discover how to apply the Law of Attraction to dating today. Learn savvy web dating strategies, how to write a captivating profile and make or break photos tips, Plus, find out how to combine inner and outer tools to attract the love you want and deserve.

Thursday, April 17th, 7-9pm  at Pymander, Norwalk CT
To register, call 203.854.5596 or visit www.Pymanderbooks.com

 

 

Serving Up Rejection – The Best Way to End a Brief Relationship

I have a question about how to break off with a man early in the process. Bill struck up a conversation online through Match.com. He had a nice profile, not bad looking, lots of the things I’m looking for and many things in common. OK, I was excited.  Bill said he’ll call Tuesday night. But he didn’t call. 

The next day, Bill sends me an instant message (IM) at work saying he wanted to be "honest" with me. He admitted that he went to a sporting event and thought it was too late to call when he got home. Ok, I think - nice that he was thinking of me, but he could have either IM’d, emailed, or called to say that we could talk another time.

We chat a bit more via instant messenger and he invites me to dinner for Saturday night and says he’ll call me that night. Guess what? – No cal!.

The next day he emails and I tell him that I’m thinking either he is married, or he is not a man of his word - either way, I’m not interested. He took great offense, defended himself; and insists that I was too rough on him.

My question is - when do you say enough is enough? I felt that if I ignored his second "no show," I’d be sending the message that this is acceptable behavior, which it’s not for me. Of course, now I am doubting myself and my reactions.

Doubtful in Dedham

Dear Doubtful,

From thids dating coach’s perspective, yo udid the right thing. Why continue when there is nothing to continue? He has already shown his true colors and things probably won’t get any better than this. Since you admitted that’s not how you want to be treated (and who would want that?), walking away was the right thing to do.

However,how you let someone know this is a different story. Here’s what I’ve learned about men and women, the brush off, and honesty. We all say we want honesty – but that’s not exactly true. We want honesty so we can build trust, but 100% honesty is probably not the best all-round policy. The degree of honesty depends on what the discussion is. For example, no woman wants the truthful answer to, "Do these pants make my butt look fat?" 

So, when you think aobut it, nobody actually wants to hear why s/he is being rejected. People may say they want to know. But if someone doesn’t think you’re attractive enough – do you want to know that? If someone doesn’t think you are smart enough, have a similar sense of humor, or the right education, have different morals, values or agendas, do you really want to hear that?

To me, the answer is "No, I don’t want to hear it" Frankly, if you’ve haven’t had more than a few dates with the person, I think everyone is better off without an explanation.  Think about it. Is there any reason you’d actually want to hear that would feel good? 

The best way to end a brief encounter is to say as little as possible or perhaps avoid responding entirely. Although that may seem odd or less than honest, it’s often the kindest solution. Men often do the disappearing act because it doesn’t create any confrontration or big emotional scenes.

Tobey McGuire Buys Rights to Lori Gottlieb’s Article “Marry Him - The Case for Settling”

Is this really movie material? The article from March’s Atlantic Monthly caused a tremendous brew haha. Bloggers ranted - i did too. She did the talk show circuit. And now - the rights have been purchasee to make this story into a film.

Did Tobey buy a smash hit? maybe. It’s a chick flick waiting to happen. Just like the recent movie 27 Dresses, but instead of cute, it wil likely be depressing and whiny.

Feminists were up in arms about this article as well as many others Yet, I do think she had a point. Not to settle for something that is beneath you, but to get real about what’s posible. To make realistic compromises. Not choices that will make you miserable and lead to certain divorce, but choies taht open doors and more possibilities.

Well, I for one will look forwad to seeing the movie. Here’s what they had to say in the NY Observer and my comment.

Hey Tobey - what about the rights to  my story? At least it has a happy ending so far!

 

The April “Get Out There” Challenge

Ive got a challenge for you. And it’s big. Not the Pepsi challenge. Oh no. It’s a big one and if you take it on, you will dramatically improve your chance for spring and summer romance 10 fold. No kidding. No April Fool’s joke.

Outside it’s warming up. So that hibernation excuse has limited continued usage. Ready to stop dilly- dallying around? Finding love will take some effort and time. but it can also be a fun adventure! Here’s my Get Out There Challenge for you this month:

1) Pick three new ways to meet prospects this month and make sure you go! That’s not even one event a week, so no whining about too much pressure. Drag a friend or go solo if you have to, but GO. No excuses.

2) Next, try talking to five new people a week. According to Annie Gleason, this month’s Decoding Dating interview expert who is also a dating coach, she has her clients talk to three new people EVERY DAY! I’m only asking you do speak to five people a week, not even one per day.

Stretch a little. When you get used to doing new things and talking to people on a regular basis, it no longer becomes a big deal. You’ll not only feel more comfortable, but you’ll actually get good at it.

Imagine what it would be like to easily flirt, start a conversation, and meet new people. Believe me, that confidence will make you VERY attractive to the opposite s-e-x. Both men and women choose confidence as one of the most desired personality qualities. Your dating karma will change for sure if you simply take on these two challenges.

Take the challenge. Play life large.  Stick your neck out and get good at friendliness. Really, there’s only upside to this commitment. Do it now. Committ yourself to the April Get Out There Challenge and get going to find the love you want and deserve.
 

Kiss an Italian Day?

March 25th was Kiss an  Italian Day and I missed it! bummer! Why didn’t I know this earlier?

I just learend about this new "holiday" on Facebook. Still a novice, I’m trying to get my feet wet. Right now they are quite soggy and I’m leaving drippy footprints wherever I go.

Back to Kiss an Italian Day. So even if the official so called holiday was two weeks ago - who cares? If you’ve got an Italian to kiss - go for it. And if you know an Italian you’ve been dying to kiss - go for it. Just blame it on Facebook’s announcement. Apologize for the tardiness of your action - but I doubt that will be an issue. The recipient of your smooch will be too stunned to worry that you got the date wrong.

Now this is a good story wating to happen. Please write and tell me what happened! Someone out there has got to end up with a really tall tale out of his one!

 

 

Jewish Men - Commitment Phobes Who Prefer Shiksas

If you’re a Jewish woman looking to marry a Jewish man, this is a very long but well done article that explains why you might be having a hard time. The writer, Sarah comes up with many explanations including how Jewish men think most Jewish women aren’t thin enough and are too materialistic. Sort of anti-Semitic aren’t they?

The author also mentions how having an advanced degree can work against you - well that idea was just published in the Wall Street Journal. (and on my blog the other day.) And, for whatever reason, more Jewish men are resistant to commitment. They needed a research project to discover this? Ask any Jewish 30 something woman right? She can tell you anecdotally.

Anyway - it you are in this situation, now you have ammo for when Mom and Grandma start loading on the guilt about why you’re still single. Print it out and save it for when you need it. Or send them the link! But hold this in the rainy day file for a time you might want to pull it out and hand it over to one more good-natured auntie who just has your best interest in mind - if you know what I  mean.

BUT - don’t lose hope or let this article get you down.

Keep this in mind: Not one but two astrologers said getting married wasn’t in my stars. And Newsweek magazine in 1987 said that a single woman over 35 had a better chance of being abducted by terrorists. I defied all this when I found the right man for me and married him. Total nonsense. You make your own opportunities and choices.

So, if you want a Jewish guy, make sure you do whatever you need to do to meet as many as possible. The more you meet, the better your chances of clicking. Stick to your preferences, be realistic if you start getting unreasonable and follow your heart. I still think your chances are pretty good if you make the effort.

Wishing you gefilte fish kisses and  lots of lox with love!

 

 

Even a Man with a Bad Photo Can Turn Out to Be Gold

The Dating Goddess is currently besotted with a new man she’s seeing. What’s particularly interesting is that she had initially rejected him because his match.com photo was terrible. I can’t remember the whole story, but when she did end up meeting him, she was so surprised because he was far better looking than that photo portrayed. A good lesson for those of you looking at each guy’s photo and saying, "no, no, no."

Apparently things are going very nicely. Plenty of phone calls, texting, etc with sweet little nothings and wonderful dates.  I believe this is her 86th or maybe 87th guy. (They say 87’s the charm - oh come on just kidding) The Dating Goddess is waiting to see if this romance continues  or dwindles down. Well we all know nothing can stay at the initial intensity, but that doesn’t mean it can’t coast at a nice level.

So I shared something from my marriage on her blog about how the butterflies are still there for me. Yes, we fight and disagree sometimes, but at the end of the day, snuggled in together, I am always glad he’s there. He is worth every bad date, cry fest, bitter disappointment and painful rejection I experienced along the road to meet and marry my husband.

Any way - read the Dating Goddess’s post and my comment and remind yourself why you are getting out there to meet new people and maintain the hope that you will in fact find "The One."

Savvy Dating

7 Reasons Why Younger Men Date Older Women - the Rest of the Story

On Monday, I shared three reasons younger men date older women. Here’s an additional four reasons that all make sense regarding the appeal of the "cougar."

For Status
Older women are more accomplished. Today many women have power jobs and make a boatload of ka-ching. And so, just like younger women who date older men, younger men are looking for the flip side of the traditional equation. And let’s face it, many of these "cougar-types" are looking for what older men have known for years. Dating younger will help keep you young and bring back the glow of youth. Sounds good to me!

 

Women with Graduate Degrees More Likely to Divorce

This is no April fools joke. I wish it were. According to an article in the Wall Street Journal, women with graduate degrees including MBA’s, lawyers and MD’s are all at risk of high divorce rate. While the article doesn’t provide the reasons why this seems to be true, it does state that a research study is soon to be released that surveyed over 100,00 professionals.

Professor Robin Fretwell Wilson of Washington & Lee University School of Law analyzed data on  professionals in business, law and medicine. She determined that for women, a professional degree can be hazardous to marital health. Ouch!  Maybe all that hype from the 70’s about women having it all: a great career, marriage and a husband might be a stretch - even for us super-human females.

In the article, Professor Robin only had one rather simplistic solution - look for men who are more loving and supportive than most. Well, when you think about it  - that makes sense doesn’t it. Traditionally, it’s been said over and over, that behind every successful man is a good woman. so what we really need is a great wife!

Think about it - wouldn’t you love someone to pick up the cleaning, take the kids to doctor appointments and soccer, and run the household? Not an original thought, granted, but a good one nonetheless.

Yet, I haven’t seen that many men willing to do the wifely duties. So now what? How about another solution? That leads me back to my article about settling - settling for a heart of gold and  looking past the paycheck to find love. Two really good things I can say about blue collar men: 1) they can fix stuff 2) they haven’t competed much with us so they aren’t jaded about women the way some white collar men are.

I have seen so many of my women friends marry guys who are not professional men with very happy marriages. It’s something to think about. Do you need a clone of yourself with a white collar? Or, can you think of some other qualities for the man you want to share your life with? It’s something to think about. This is not about settling - like accepting something less than you want. This is about reframing what you want - rethinking what might make you happy in the long run. It’s definitely worth thinking about.

Let’s hear your thoughts on this topic.