So you see a great looking man (or woman) and you wish you could think of something to say. But shyness overcomes you or you get tongue-tied. In that split second you have to connect with someone– the right words don’t seem to pop into your head. Well fear no longer. Below, you’ll find a few simple, yet highly effective tips to help you get over that hump and flirt with the best of them.
Inner Chatter Gets in the Way
First let’s break the art of conversation down to understand the elements involved. You talk, you listen, and the other person talks and listens. Hopefully you share a laugh or two. That’s it! Why doesn’t it seem that easy? Well for one thing, people who worry about conversation are often having way too much internal musing to even hear what the other person is saying. You know what I mean. Instead of actually listening to your partner, you start thinking:
- What should I say next?
- Does it seems like the person likes me?
- Nobody wants to hear what I have to say
- I’m not very good at idle chit-chat, etc.
Focus on What the Other Person is Saying
Honestly who could participate in a lively conversation with that much distraction from inner doubt and chatter? Next time you notice this split in your brain, bring yourself back to the present moment and focus on what your partner is saying. Your rapt attention is very flattering and will help you concentrate on the conversation, rather than drifting off into worries.
Extending the Conversation
Here are a few simple ways that will dramatically improve your ability to hold and deepen a conversation and even enjoy it!
1. Think of the conversation as a learning experience – to get to know the person, focus on him/her and ask questions about them rather than talk about yourself
2. Comment on the last few words that he/she said and turn that into a question. Whatever the last words were, follow up with, "Tell me more about that." Or "What do you mean by ______? "Or repeat the words and end the sentence on an up note indicating a question.
3. When it’s your turn, contribute something that supports your partner’s point, from your own life experience, the news, or the environment. Then finish up with another question that deepens the conversational thread or takes it in a new direction.
You can have an entire conversation like this and actually say very little about yourself – yet the dialog will flow smoothly and your partner will likely be enthralled. This method is so engaging, often the other person doesn’t even recognize the entire dialogue has been all about him/her.
Why A Good Conversation is like a Tree
Visualize a good conversation like a tree, branching out in many possible directions. You start down one path, then you shift to another angle, then continue until it forks again. Once you realize there are many different conversational branches you can follow, it makes the process so much easier.
Practice Makes it Easier
Conversation is an art that can be cultivated and opportunities to practice present themselves all day long. Don’t wait for the perfect person. The more exchanges you initiate, the more confident you’ll feel. And, trust me, that will lead to meeting lots of new people and more fun, no matter where you go or what you do.
So get out there, put a smile on your face, and talk with everyone around you. One thing is for sure, when you minimize the internal chatter, you free yourself up to connect with people more easily and participate in life’s adventure.
While this post is about a guy, this plan will work for women too. So jump in and try it!
There’s this cute guy at the gym who I’ve been coaching a bit. There I am on the elliptical trainer, and he often comes up to chat. It often moves into a bit of a coaching session. Sam knows he’s got my attention – I can’t go any where for 30 minutes. And to be honest, I really appreciate the distraction from my workout –not my favorite thing.
Sam is 30, is in really good shape, a lean muscular body, 5’7" and a very handsome face. He’s friendly, sweet and personable. So what’s his problem? Well first off he’s on the shy side and a bit intimidated by good looking women. He could have more confidence and he’s completely rejection avoidance. Now that’s a real problem for a single guy who wants a girlfriend.
I’ve given him homework to imagine himself as the kind of guy who easily starts conversations with attractive women. Sam says that has helped a lot. He’s pushing himself to say hello and flirt a bit more than his usual hang-back ways.
Last week Sam told me about a woman he’s been watching. He thinks she might have a boyfriend and is concerned she might not be approachable because she’s always got her iPod ear plugs on. Sam asked me if I would check out her body language to see what I thought.
I turned to Sam and told him NO. Here’s how I coached him through this one:
"Sam, you are really over-thinking this and making up stories in your head. Maybe she just wants to listen to her favorite tunes while exercising. Who says she’s got ear plugs in so she doesn’t have to talk to anyone? If you want to talk to her, just walk up to her and say ‘Hi’.
Why are you already be creating rejection stories? Stop making excuses, take a chance and just go talk to her! Next time I see you (three to four days) I want to know that you have already had your first conversation."
Sam looked at me with an expression of surprise. He realized that what I said was true. Sam agreed that he makes up rejection stories in his head and he does this all the time. No wonder he has trouble approaching women! He sabotages himself by expecting to fail without ever talking to anyone. That’s a great method to stay safe AND stay single.
I recommended my original exercise, but added a new step. Not only did I want Sam to see himself as a guy who easily approaches and talks to attractive women, but I asked him to start imaging that it’s Labor Day weekend (three months from now). I want Sam to start look back on the most successful, flirty fun summer he has ever had. He thinks about all the great women he’s met and talked to and how much easier it got.
I’ll let you know how he does. But one thing I can promise Sam, and you too if you want to try this, is that if you really practice this vision, you will improve your confidence. This is a very powerful exercise that really works! It’s totally worth the effort and time invested so spend a minute or two a few times a day and watch how things change and open up over time. There just isn’t any down side so why not start right now?
During the last group coaching session of the spring series, one of my clients, Isabel has been struggling with staying motivated. She finds so many reasons to not go to events or worse, signing up for things, but not following through to attend. This pattern has really been keeping her from sticking with her dating action plan to get out there, meet men and be seen. And, it’s really is at odds with her goal to find love.
Does this ring any bells for you?
As she talked about this during the call, Isabel realized that in the past when she had been actively dating, the key to her success was her girlfriend Rhonda. They had been dating buddies, going to events together, encouraging each other and providing support on the journey. Isabel missed having Rhonda to share the experience with, since it had been enormously helpful in her last go around.
Sometimes she just didn’t feel like going out. or maybe she’d had a bad day and didn’t want to redo her makeup for a night out. Or maybe her attitude had slipped into the negative zone which wasn’t serving her. That’s when Rhonda would be a great dating buddy, jumping in to help Isabel keep her promises to herself! And in turn, Isabel did the exact same thing for Rhonda.
It’s simple human nature to backslide. It’s easier to do nothing than to forge ahead. And, the urge to resist seems very prevalent in the dating world for women today. There are so many other things you could be doing that might seem like more fun, or to cross off your list and be productive. Unfortunately, avoidance won’t move you any further towards your goal of finding the love you want. That’s why having a buddy is such a powerful strategy for staying the course regarding your dating life.
Back to the group coaching call. We all discussed possible solutions which became very obvious – Isabel needed a new dating buddy! With Rhonda off the market so to speak, she needed to recruit another "partner in crime." It didn’t take long for her to think of another girlfriend who might be willing.
But what if you don’t have a single friend available for this supportive role? Then it’s time to meet some new women. There are several ways you can do this quite easily. Attend singles events and when there aren’t enough men, go meet the women!
for example, speed dating is a great way to find new female friends. There is usually a mid-point break for mingling which makes it easy to meet people. If none of the men interest you, look for a woman who seems friendly. You aren’t the only one who could use a dating buddy, believe me. So approaching another woman won’t even seem strange. If you have to, think of it as misery loves company – but try to take a more positive angle. I can’t tell you how many women have made new best friends at speed dating events!
Another great option is single gourmet events. This type of program naturally attracts more women than men, so now you’ll be meeting lots of single women who like what you do – good food and wine. If you attend one of these events and start feeling disappointed that the men are slim pickin’s, just shift gears and look for female companionship.
If you’re serious about finding love, the support system of a dating buddy can make a tremendous difference in your stamina and results. And another girlfriend is always a wonderful expansion to life. Get out there to meet new people, enjoy each person for his/her individual charm, and find the love you want and deserve!
By the way, the Summer Session fo group caochng starts Sunday night June 1st. Five fantastic sessions of inspiring and motivating group coaching packed with time-tested and proven tips, suggestions and ideas that deliver! Register now!
For more powerful strategies to help along your journey and show you how to adopt the best mindset for dating success, pick up a copy of MANifesting Mr. Right. The first section of the book reveals lots of methods to keep yourself motivated. And if you have difficulty believing that you can find love, get the audio program I Believe which provides affirmations to re-train your subconscious mind that love is possible for you. These are hard-working tools worth their weight in gold.
Here’s something new for you – Love U, an educational video series on… DATING! How fun!
I just watched this quick video on flirting. They have the concepts down, but the demonstration seems a bit tongue and cheek. Not all that serious, really. But the lessons themselves are sound. Things like flipping your hair, mirroring his body language, and scent do make a difference and are key elements to any successful flirting plan. But I’m sure you’ll get a kick out of how the team in this little vignette executes the plan.
If you’ve got 3 minutes, why not watch it and get a good laugh. It’s pretty entertaining. Watch here You can never get enough flirting training so check it out for yourself.
Dear Ronnie,
I joined match.com after being divorced four years and met a man. We get along great, did the IM, email and phone thing for about a month before meeting and it was great. We both decided we weren’t ready for a relationship but that we wanted to date each other casually (i.e. have sex) Finally went out on a date with him and did the deed. It was pretty good and we agreed to see each other again.
That was four days ago and I haven’t heard boo from him. This is his busy work season so I know he’s consumed, but a friendly hello would be good. I left him a message this today wondering how things were going, but I don’t think I’m going to hear back from him. We’re both 40, clear on what we want (or don’t want) and get a long great! Any insights for me?
Perplexed,
Paula
Dear Paula,
It’s so hard to know, but sometimes once is enough for a man. All of that conversation etc. might have been leading up to just one night. Or maybe he was embarrassed by his performance. Or a thousand other possibile reasons.
Your idea of casual is probably very different than his. For example you were thinking that further communication would be a natural next step. He might not be thinking this at all, regardless of what he said.
Being casual is fine, but what does that really mean? Being clear on your dating agenda is key to successful dating. So be clear with yourself as well. You may not want to get married, but you do want some consistency. That might not be the definition of casual for everyone. For some casual means hello/goodbye and just one night. If you announce your intention of casual, that you don’t expect much of a relationship, that let’s a guy off the hook doesn’t it?
My suggestion is to keep your agenda to yourself. Dating is a game. Think of it like poker. Once the cards are dealt, you wouldn’t show your hand to the other player before you place your bet right? So don’t show your cards here either. Just smile and go along if he seems like he might fit your description of what you are looking for. Then see what happens. The purpose of dating is to observe the other person’s behavior to see if it meets your needs.
As you can see, Mr. Pretty Good doesn’t have the same idea regarding consistency for his casual dating as you do. He may still call, but as time goes by, the chances dwindle.
In addition, I recommend not having as much build up/contact before meeting. You can end up with a lot of expectations or false security thinking you know someone. But if you don’t meet them in person, you don’t really know them. And until you’ve got a track record with someone, you don’t know them either. Even if the person seems open and friendly.
Only time will help you really know someone. That’s why it’s best to email 4-8 times, then talk on the phone for a brief conversation – maybe 20 minutes. Then meet the guy
You want to minimize the pre-contact so you don’t end up with a virtual relationship. Or, you might find that you talked about so much prior to meeting, than when you do meet, there’s no small talk left which can be very awkward!
If the men don’t want to talk on the phone – move on. If they don’t want to meet, move on. There are plenty more fish in the proverbial sea.
Good luck in your journey. Being casual is a great way to learn about yourself, men, and what works for you, so enjoy!
Ronnie – The Dating Coach
Discover why dating is so different today than it was 20 years ago. Unlock the seven secrets that will make you so much more successful including managing your attitudes, outlook on dating, and best places to meet singles. Dating can be fun when you are savvy to the unspoken rules that only a few people seem to have figured out. Now you can be one of them and find the love you want and deserve!
Friday, May 16th 7-9pm Parents Without Partners, Fairfield County Chapter, Fairfield, CT
Details to follow soon
Dear Dating Coach,
Why can’t a man just tell you when things are over?
I had a long distance relationship with this great guy for 15 months. He had been a client and while we worked together, we spoke daily. At one point he flew out for a meeting and we got to spend time face to face. Once the project was over, things really took off. While we only saw each other every couple of months, we were in constant contact, sometimes several times a day with email, texting and phone calls. He signed off with xoxox or kisses, that sort of endearing tone.
Then in April he cancelled his visit at the last minute. His communications stopped abruptly. I let it drop until in a recent email exchange that was business related, he stuck this bomb into the middle of the text. "Oh yeah, I just got married. We were on vacation and it was sort of spur of the moment." Spur of the moment wedding?
He told me in the beginning he was living with a woman but that things were on the rocks. Actually she was the reason he had left his wife of 15 years.
Why didn’t he tell me he was getting married? And why did he stick this bomb into the middle of a business communication? That just doesn’t make sense to me? Please help.
Perplexed in Pacific Heights
Dear Perplexed,
In general, men dislike confrontation. And most don’t like to hurt a woman’s feelings or be exposed to the likely emotional outburst that follows such an announcement. Add your business relationship to the mix and you’ve got a highly sticky situation. That pretty much explains why he didn’t come clean sooner.
Of course his lack of integrity might also be a contributing factor. Not only did he cheat on his first wife with the second, but he was already cheating on the second before he married her. This cycle usually continues, so in a way, you’re lucky to be free of him.
It’s never easy when a relationship comes to an end, no matter how it happens. This situation is particularly jarring, since marriage is a giant leap from a "rocky relationship." He was honest enough to tell you he was in a relationship from the start, maybe so you wouldn’t call him at home…
The best thing to do here is to recap what you learned because every relationship has learning opportunities.
1) When a man tells you he’s already in a relationship, stop right there. He’s not free to be with you and the reasons why his situation isn’t good are irrelevant.
2) Long distance relationships can be hard to read. Sometimes one person doesn’t want a constant, close relationship so the distance makes things perfect. A perfect excuse to put a limit on the amount of time spent together. That’s also something to think about. Did that distance serve you as well in some way?
3) What did you like about the relationship? What qualities would you like to find again in a partner and what things would you avoid?
This kind of de-briefing can be a valuable step in the healing process. Once you take the time to consider these things, you are more ready to move forward to try again with someone new.
Personally, I hope you get back out there soon to take advantage of spring and summer – the friendliest seasons of the year.
Wishing you love,
Ronnie- The Dating Coach
Saturday a potential new client called me to talk about coaching. She wanted to know how it works and could I help with her match.com profile. We talked for a while and I explained the coaching process. Vanessa had a lot of questions. Turns out she met me 6 years ago at one of my dating workshops! She liked what I had to say and had decided it was time to do something.
As we continued to talk about online dating, photo or no photo, which sites might work best for her, etc. she finished up by saying she had to think about it and would get back to me. Think about it? "Vanessa," I said, "You’ve been thinking about this for six years. What’s left to think about?"
Vanessa said she preferred to wait until September to attend one of my workshops. I tried to encourage her that this time of year was the best for seeking a partner and that she shouldn’t miss the season.
I could not convince Vanessa to take that step. Her fear of what might happen when she gets out there to meet men has completely immobilized her. And that’s a shame.
Eckhardt Tole, author of the Oprah sensation, A New Earth, was previously known for his book, the Power of Now. The whole point is that the only moment of power we have is NOW. We cannot change history and even one minute ago is lost to us to make any changes. And the future is uncertain and untouchable, until it becomes now. Now is really all we have to take action. In this moment, in this breath, on this day, you can do something that will change your life and your destiny.
Vanessa isn’t the only one who is putting off looking for love, even though she thinks about it all the time. I met a young woman at the gym who is in the same boat. She’s such a cutie, but highly rejection sensitive. I talked with her about coaching and she said she’ll probably sign on. That was six weeks ago. I called her on it last week and she said, "Well, are you gonna make me do stuff, like talk to men?" Uhhh yeah. That’s the whole point!
Please don’t think I’m lacking empathy. I understand. Maybe you had your heart broken or were horribly disappointed, or any of a number of other unpleasant things. But, no matter what, after healing, there’s only one step to take and that is forward. You will never attain your goal without taking that step forward. And the best time to take that step forward is now.
I’ve been in those shoes. I did nothing for nearly 18 years. I missed out on love for a major portion of my adult life. The only difference between the me who did nothing to meet men and the woman who was on a mission to find love was this: a simple decision. The decision to do something – Now.
I stopped worrying and decided to take action. Because worrying, waiting and doing nothing hadn’t helped me find the man of my dreams. Last Monday was my eighth wedding anniversary. That’s the proof in the pudding, so to speak. It was all worth it. Every bad date and disappointment along the way to meeting my husband.
I invite you to decide. To take action. To get moving. To stop waiting. Now is the moment of power. Invest the time and energy in yourself. Request some help if you want it. But do not wait around thinking about it.
Stop thinking, get out of your head and get busy.
Your life is waiting and the man of your dreams can’t meet you if you don’t get out there!
xoxoxoxoxo
If you’ve been dating a guy for a while, and everything was great, but now, for some reason he seems distracted and may be losing interest. What’s a woman to do? Women often don’t know why this happens, but usually blame themselves. You might be thinking – "What did I do wrong?"
There could be a million reasons why your guy is distracted or not showering you with attention. And it’s a good chance you will never know for sure. But here are eight powerful ways you can regain his attention.
1) First, be clear. do you really want him back? If he lost interest, is he the right man for you? It’s worth asking because this will take some effort. so be clear he is a good match for you and worth the effort you are about to undertake.
2) Think about your interactions. Is it possible you have changed? I had a client one time who had a routine with men she dated. She’d start out all sweet as pie, but after a while, she said she couldn’t keep that up, She had to go back to being herself. Yikes! Being yourself, albeit your best self, is crucial to developing a solid relationship. See if you can return to behaving the way you did at the beginning of the relationship when he was paying lots of attention to you.
3) Have you become clingy or demanding? It can happen to the best of us. But this is unattractive behavior. Men like confident women, same as we like confident men. Get a grip on yourself and give him some space. Rely on your friends more, read self-help books, or get professional help. But don’t cling.
4) Have you put your man into communication overload? Sometimes women are so happy to be dating a great guy, they over-communicate. Hold back on multiple calls, texts, emails and give the guy some space. No one likes to feel crowded.
5) Are you trying to take up all of his time? This is another space issue. men need to keep up there friendships too and have some quality guy time. Smile when he wants to go out with the boys – that gives you a night off too. Visit with your friends or get chores done at home. You can entertain yourself one night, even on the weekend.
6) Do you still look your best? It’s easy to slip back into comfy favorites but keeping up your appearance is important for maximizing attraction while still solidifying your relationship. Dont’t back slide into old habits. Put on lipstick and wear his favorite outfit. Looking good is excellent for your own self-esteem and confidence too.
7) Pull back. I know this is the hardest thing to do. Every instinct in your body is screaming to run after him. But don’t do it. That’s the worst strategy for recapturing his attention. Think of this like ballroom dancing. As you take a step back, he has the chance to take a step forward. Are you starting to get the picture? Don’t be too available because a bit of absence can make the heart grow fonder. Let him chase you again after he realizes you’re not all over him like you used to be.
8) Remember, you are a fabulous woman and this guy is lucky to have shared time with you. If this doesn’t work out, hold your head high and remain confident. You are still a great catch and there are plenty more fish in the sea. Take time to heal, but don’t wait too long to go fishing again. I guarantee, he really wasn’t the only guy for you. Someone else is out there who might be even better, but you won’t know that if you don’t get out there to look.
Cinderella is an attractive gal, but she doesn’t always make the most of her natural gifts, shall we say. She’s hard working, incredibly busy and has many obligations soaking up her time. Sometimes Cinderella even has kids from the ex prince.
Surprisingly, Cinderella just got invited to a BBQ for Memorial Day weekend by a couple who actually knows a few decent single guys. The angst begins. 1) Time is tight because she’s got lots of projects and work to catch up on. And if she has kids this is her weekend. 2) She hasn’t been to a party in such a long time that the whole idea Is not very appealing. 3) She doesn’t have a thing to wear.
All three concerns are problematic for Cinderella, but let’s address them one be one.
Timing
Today, everyone is busy and over-worked. The question is, how important is your social life? Yes, kids come first (if you have ‘em). But does that mean you get nothing? Start thinking about how you can create your life with room for you too. And if you aren’t a Mom, what are you putting first before yourself?
If you don’t make socializing some kind of priority in your life, you will never get to it. That’s a bold statement, but it’s the cold, hard truth. So DECIDE right now, when social opportunities crop up, you will take advantage of them. And if they don’t crop up, you will create some.
Out of Practice
It’s been a long time since you went to a party. There will be people you don’t know. Or worse, you may know the party goers and don’t long to spend time with them. So what? Your job as a single person looking for love is to get out there. Prince Charming doesn’t make house calls. But, you might meet him at a BBQ or some other social outing, speed dating event, etc.
The only solution is to get back into the swing of socializing. Do it right away – the longer you wait, the more inertia sets in, the less likely you’ll ever get out of the house. It’s comfortable where you live and comfort or lack of it, is the biggest reason why people don’t do anything to find love. Get out of your comfort zone now. Go to the party!
Nothing to Wear
If you’re telling me you have nothing to wear, that’s a crime. Your fairy God mother won’t whip up an outfit– but you can BUY one. Do I have to beg you to shop? The point is to enhance your assets so make sure you look great in whatever you chose. Get prepared now so when the invitation comes in, you’re all set.
Trust me, if you take time to socialize, you won’t turn into a pumpkin. In fact, the chances of becoming a pumpkin are much greater by not venturing out! If you want to find love, make your social life a priority. Say yes to opportunities and follow through by attending them. When you get there, smile, make eye contact, be friendly and pretend (if you must) that you are having a great time. I guarantee that this will make you very attractive. It works every time like a charm.
Think of this story as inspiration from your own personal Fairy God Mother – The Dating Coach.
Have you heard of this term - Serial Monogamy? Until recently, I hadn’t. But I just interviewed a matchmaker from Massachusetts, Lanie Delphin of Massmatch.com. Lanie explained that serial monogamy is the result of people who don’t really want to date. They just want to be in a relationship.
The pattern involves rushing from the first date immediatley into a relationship. Any relationship, without much concern if the person is a good match. This can lead to a series of relationships that don’t last. Some for weeks, some for three months, some for two years. Serial momogamy becomes a series of monogamous relationships that don’t work out.
Lanie feels that the solution to this syndrome, is to date – date a lot. The idea is to date casually and not get emotionally involved until you get to know a number of people who are potential mates. Then, once you see where things shake out, you have far more knowledge about the prospects in your dating pool. And this knowledge helps you to make a more informed decision about the right match for you.
There is some definite wisdom to this philosophy. I dated a lot of men before I settled into relationship with the man who is now my husband. But, to some extent, you need to find someone you get a long with and then hang in their a while before you really know. Things happen as you spend more time with people that are telling. That’s why it’s good to get to know someone through all four seaons before getting married.
It helps to see what happens when you have a disagreement. How do you each handle a fight? How do things get resolved? Do you both fight fairly, maturely? Or does it get ugly? Really, how can you know these things without being together for some time?
I think the idea of dating casually until you find someone that feels like a good fit makes a lot of sense. Its great to meet lots of people, try different types to get to know what works and what to rule out. But at some point you will have to settle in and check things out. I don’t know of another way to find out if a person has relationship potential. Perhaps the idea is to pre-qualify as best you can before launching into that couple phase.
Keeping your head about you, collecting information about how your date meets your long-term criteria and treats you, remaining objective for as long as possible. These are the smart things to do during your dating journey. Many get swayed quickly by emotion and then logic goes out the window. That’s really the key factor in finding a successful relationship.
I’d love to hear your reaction to this concept so please feel free to chime in!
And make hay while it’s May – this is the best time of year to get yoru dating campaign moving!
What makes a woman irresistible?
Some women just have the knack. But don’t despair. Now you too can effectively wield your feminine charms. You’ve got ‘em, even if they’ve been buried deep within your heart and soul for years.
Here’s your chance to discover simple flirting techniques and sure-fire ways to rekindle your feminine allure. You’ll learn how to:
- Let a man know you are approachable
- Kick up your s-e-x appeal
- Connect without saying a word
- Send friendly, non-verbal signals
- Recognize flirting opportunities as they crop up
- Improve your Desirability Index
- Attract more men than ever!
This fun, interactive workshop will awaken the allure that is every woman’s birth right. You’ll enjoy a frank discussion about how to make the most of your dating efforts and get key tips to avoid the biggest mistakes women make today.
The magic of attraction can be reawakened and learned!
Find out the methods that will work for you and start practicing now before summer hits. Spring and summer are by far the most auspicious months for finding love. Don’t allow yourself to put this off. Now is the moment you can make the changes you need to get what you want.
Make it your priority to become your feminine, flirty best this spring, to find the love you want and deserve.
Saturday, May 3rd 9am – Noon at the Courtyard by Marriott in Wallingofrd, CT
Includes the debut audio program I’m So Alluring, a $29.97 value!
click the links above to register online or call Ronnie at 203-877-3777
Pre-registration is required.
