Teen Dating - Parents’ Rules Relflect Their Own Love Lives

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal presented results from a new study on parents, teens and dating rules. The article entitled, "What the Dating Rules You Set For Your Kids Say About You"  had some interesting tidbits. Apparently happily married couples set more stringent guidelines, where as parents burned by love dealt with dating more on advice basis.

Suggestions like "Act like a gentleman." and "Don’t let your date walk all over you" came from parents with less fulfilling love lives. And not surprisingly, these bits of wisdom pretty much fell on deaf ears wtih the kids.

The article, written by Sue Shellenbarger, recommends keeping tabs on your kids whereabouts rather than meddling in their dating style. Hmmmm. That’s an interesting twist. Not having kids, it’s hard for me to have an opinion on what might work best. On the other hand, having been a teen (so many many years ago), I know meddling doesn’t hold much weight.

The whole idea does give one pause to think about the advice you’d give anyone about dating. I myself learned the hard way that even some well-intentioned advice could end up ugly. After a few months of gathering opinions from friends and implementing with disastrous results, I figured out who knew what they were talking about regarding men and dating. That sure made managing my love life a lot easier.

The friends in the know were always right on the money and their advice just felt right to me. No matter how may opinions you may solicit to help you know what to do and make good decisions, remember this - your opinion is the only one that really matters because you are the one will live with the consequences of your actions.

Pick reliable and sensible sources to get your advice. Look at the relationships your advisors have - if it’s something you wish you had, then that friend or family member is probably a good resource.

 

Can You Mimic the Sensuality of Cat Woman?

Today on my morning walk, I noticed two young girls in costumes riding scooters. The older girl had on a super hero costume iI didn’t recognize. The other had on a black velvet leotard with black tights, two pointy ears on a headband and a plush black tail pinned to her bottom. The tail wagged back and forth as she moved the scooter with her left leg.

As I walked past I commented, "A super hero and a cat - how fun!" To which the feline-costumed girl replied, "No I’m Cat Woman!"  Well I should have known that.

I couldn’t help but think about Cat Woman later in the day, realizing what a great role model she could be for connecting with your allure. Do you remember the original Cat Woman from the Batman TV show in the sixties? Julie Newmar played the role with true brilliance, combining cat-like moves with a seductive feminine approach - all to "get over" on BatMan. Halle Berry didn’t do so bad in the recent movie either.

Naturally, when you go out to meet men, you probably don’t want to play up the sensuality or seduction too much. But the allure is still a good idea to capture the attention of more men.

Here are six tips that can lure the guys in once they get close enough for conversation:

1. Try the Flirty Look
When looking at a man, tuck your chin down and back, the look up through your eye lashes - very flirty. Princess Diana was the queen of this demur move and was often caught by camera with this look.

2. Put on a Happy Face
Present an upbeat and positive personality. If you are fun and pleasant to be with, it makes things easier and a lot more fun too!

3. Heat Up the Conversation
Use words that heat up a conversation. For example, find a way to include words like attractive, sultry, crazy about, dreamy, magical, passionate, exquisite to name a few. Don’t be direct with these words, but work them into the conversation perhaps in unexpected places. "I’m really passionate about my oil painting class."  This summer’s weather has been rather sultry." Romantic movies like that are so dreamy." You get the idea. It’s not about being direct, but these words used in any sentence will heat things up without sounding cheap or aggressive.

4. Gaze into His Eyes
Looking into someone’s eyes for more than two or three seconds is a very intimate move. It’s unusual to do this before you know a man better, but lingering a bit longer has an enticing quality. These long eye connections are normally reserved for mothers and babies or couples in love. So when you linger with your gaze while talking to a new guy, you give him that intimate impression. Make that body language work for you.

5, Check Him Out!
While you don’t want to give him a bold or obvious once over, you can do this subtly to let him know you are attracted. Look him in the eyes, then sweep his body for just a second or two before returning to his eyes. This is another body language move that will get his heart pumping without you appearing aggressive. Just interested. It’s a great ego boost for him.

6. Touch Him
When you are making a point about something during your conversation, lightly touch his arm to reinforce your comment. This crossing over from talking to touching will heighten your appeal for sure. Once you cross the boundary with touch, you let a man know you are open to him and attracted as well. if a man needs reassurance, this will do it for sure. This is a quick and gentle move, so don’t over do it with length of time or frequency. You don’t want to seem "easy" just available and interested.

If you are new to these moves, keep this fact in mind: Men will not know that you don’t act like this all the time or that you are uncomfortable. That’s because the men don’t know you yet, so they have no reason to think how out of character your actions are! Use that anonymity to your advantage and practice up so you can be ready for the guy that really trips your trigger!

Still Shaking Her Booty at 88

I went to breakfast Sunday morning at the diner in town. After i got in line, a small older woman came through the door. As she entered, she put her hands above her head, shook her hips and said, "I’m 88 today!" Then, in walked her 92 year old husband.

They sat at a table with others to celebrate her birthday and I couldn’t help but over hear how the couple had been married for 67 years.

SIXTY SEVEN YEARS?!? Wow that’s a long time. I’ve been married now for 8 years and we’ll never have that longevity because we started too late. But I am impressed on many levels with this lady.

First of all - she was SO happy to be 88 that she danced in the diner lobby. Think about that. I didn’t do any dance this year and I’m only 51 (oooh did I just admit that?)  But this woman announced her years in front of several perfect strangers and did a jig to boot. She didn’t amble in all crotchety and bummed out about her age - she celebrated out loud! Very inspiring.

Second, her husband of 67 years was close behind and smiling too. How nice is that?

Third, she had people to share a birthday breakfast with and open gifts. They all seemed to be having a very good time.

This whole episode made my Sunday and I’m still thinking about it today. When you notice or find couples who inspire you - really take it in and give thanks. Every time that scene comes to mind, it makes me smile and feel her happiness all over again. I hope I can be like that as I age - enjoying every moment and spreading good cheer. I’m making it my goal to start today!

Carefully Choose Photos You Post Online to Improve Success Rate

Many of my clients show me the photos they plan to post with their online profile. As part of coaching, I review photos and provide comments. My goal of course is to ensure that people post the best possible photos to get teh best possible results.

Now you are probably thinking to yourself - well duh! Who would post anything else?

You’d be very surprised - or maybe not if you’ve been looking around the Internet dating sites. Looking at pictures can be a fascinating study of what people must think of themselves. It’s truly astonishing!

Here are several examples of how people choose to show themselves to others, just to save a buck.

1) Joe took his own photo by holding the camera at arm’s length in front of  him.  Not only was it a bad photo, but looked like he took it himself - distorted, crooked and unflattering!

2) Deirdre had what must have been a family photo that she had cut herself out of. This is actually just as tacky as cutting your ex out of the photo. I have literally seen too many pictures of a woman with a mysterious tie across her dress, or a shoulder with a gouge because an ex’s arm was removed. And men can be just as guilty of poor photo editing. Never cut anyone out of a photo! if it can’t be easily cropped - please use a different photo.

3) So many people use a business photo taken in poor lighting. You may be having fun at a convention, but the background and the lighting won’t be flattering. And what is in the background DOES MATTER!

4) Another bad background example showed Cal standing in front of his staircase. Not bad composition except for all the laundry hanging all over the banister! Please think about what is behind you because it all adds up to send a message about you. What impression do you want to make? Don’t let items behind you ruin a good photo. Take a few minutes to pick a better location or simply clean up.

5) Sometimes in the cropping process, the photo gets distorted. If this happens to you, either start over, have someone else with better software do the cropping or use a different photo. You want to look your best, not distorted right?

Please don’t just slap a photo on your profile and go for it. I realize that getting something up is more important than perfection. But I’m not suggesting perfection - just being smart. Since you will be selected first based on your photo , give careful consideration to the ones that you choose. Make sure the picture actually looks like you, is fairly recent, shows you at your best (or close to it) and is free of distractions that detract from your good looks.

 

 

Celebrate the Summer Solstice

 I find this kind of history fascinating, so I wanted to share a bit with you. Understanding where our traditions originated is really fun for me.

Personally, I had a secret pre-wedding on the spring equinox. My reasoning was that I wanted the union with my husband to be on equal ground. The equinox is the mid point between both solstices - the longest and shortest days of the year. Both the fall and spring equinoxes are the times when the day and night are of equal length. That was the thought behind a ceremony for us - hoping for a balanced marriage and relationship.  So far so good by the way.

My last words of wisdom on this - make hay while the sun shines! Get out there and mingle. Happy solstice!

 

5 Big Reasons Why You Must Post a Photo on Match.com

If you are going to write up a profile and answer all the questions on Match.com or any other dating site, for goodness sake, please post a photo. I am constantly amazed at women who tell me they don’t want to put up a picture. Why not?

Well there are plenty of reasons. For example some women are afraid co-workers will see the photo and then every one will know they are dating. OK uh, if you’re single, chances are strong you might want to date. Why should this remain a secret? People still find it embarrassing to be single. yet, half the adult population IS SINGLE! Please try to get over this - there is nothing to be embarrassed about because everyone deserves a loving life partner.

But I can  tell you there are far more reasons to post your photo and here are five big ones:

1) Men are visual and a photo will help them decide if you are attractive and worth chasing. Come on, women today are almost as visual as the men. Perhaps some are more flexible about a man’s attractiveness, but I know plenty of women who click and click looking for a man with hair right? Get over the idea that men select you by your looks. Of course that’s how they select you!  They have to be attracted - that’s what the photo is for. And there is no way to get around this.

2) If you want to send the photo upon request, a man will still see your picture right? He may still reject you based on your looks. So why not skip this time consuming step and just post the darn thing?

3) I had a client who refused to post her photo. She had 162 men look at her profile and contact her in a five month period. Once I convinced her to post her picture, she had 232 look at her in just 5 days. If you’re playing the odds, bet on the photo to pull in the most men.

4) Internet dating is a numbers game. Don’t you want the highest return on the hard work you did putting together your profile? Of course you do! So post that picture and stop putting road blocks in your path.

5) Writing a good profile is not that easy. Many people sound the same because they like the movies or dining out. For some, it’s difficult to describe themselves and really get across who they are. A written profile is often flat and without dimension for these reasons. Although I can help with tips or by writing your profile for you - just post that picture - it’s worth 1,000 words!

I hope you are starting to turn around on this no photo phobia.

Honestly, if you’re not going to post your photo, you might as well not post the profile either. No photo on your Internet dating profile is like a day without sunshine or a burger without ketchup or tuna fish without Hellman’s, or donuts without coffee, or salsa without tortilla chips Gee I must be hungry.. Sorry for the clichés but they work. And so do the photos - so post one right now!

 

 

 

 

Do Your Actions Line Up with Your Intentions and Desires?

Elaine is 54, single, and an extremely busy executive with a job that is all consuming. Two weeks ago she went on a first date with Daniel, and she was complaining to me how he hadn’t called. She was surprised and confused to report that he had left a message just that day to set up their next date.

Elaine felt angry and apathetic about the second date. Two weeks was too long to wait and as a woman and a coach, I understand what she means. But we didn’t really have enough information to know for sure what had caused the time lapse. Maybe he doesn’t have the same dating agenda. Maybe he’s seeing several other women. Maybe he’s not that interested. Maybe he was out of town on business. Granted it wasn’t a good sign, but we can’t be completely sure it’s a bad sign.

Lastly, I pointed out that Daniel’s pace was actually perfect for Elaine’s busy schedule. Even if he had called sooner, Elaine was traveling on business and wouldn’t have been able to get together. And, she isn’t sure when she’ll be able to set up the date in the near future due to business and family obligations.

But let’s look past the surface here to go deeper into this situation.

Elaine  insists she yearns for a loving, committed relationship. But, does she have time for it? And does she really want love? Because looking at her situation objectively, Elaine’s actions don’t match up with her desire. She doesn’t have room for a man in her life. And she does very little to find one or free up her time constraints. After coaching for months, nothing has really changed regarding her schedule or her efforts to meet men.

Hmmm.

Let me draw an analogy. According to Feng Shui, when you have a bookcase jam-packed with books, that sends a message to the Universe that you are "all filled up" and don’t need any more. That’s the reason a Feng Shui practitioner will suggest you make room in that bookshelf and unload some of those titles. The same holds true for your TIME.

If you are like Elaine, busy busy busy and all booked up, you are sending a message to the Universe that you have all you need. You have no more time, so why send anything else to you? Not the message you want to send is it?

To use the Law of Attraction properly, you not only have to focus on what you want, you have to take steps to find it as well. Elaine needs to line up her actions with her desire and intentions to find love.

I talked to Elaine about her time. How could she make room for some empty space? That gave her a good chuckle.  I suggested she could read a couple of books that had been piled up if nothing came to fill the space. But she had to start creating room in her calendar and life if she wanted to send out vibes of being available. Elaine understood.

In my book MANifesting Mr. Right, Chapter 4 goes over how to make yourself more available. To do so, the chapter explains how to:

Clear your Mind
Clear your Heart
Clear your Closet
Clear your Calendar

These gestures help to free you up on multiple levels and make room for a man in your life.

If you feel any of Elaine’s situation sounds like your life, you may want to start the clearing process too. To find out how, get your copy of MANifesting Mr. Right today. You can start to align your actions with your intentions and that is the surest way to attract what you want in life. Here’s to clearing things up soon!

 

Do You Worry about the Future Before There is a Future?

Are you a natural born worrier? Answer these three questions and you’ll get an idea of your worry quotient and then learn what you can do about it!

1) Do you worry about the future potential a man might have before you finish the first date?

2) When you see a guy online who has kids, do you worry he won’t have enough time for you, without having an email conversation?

3) Do you worry you won’t be able to get away from your date if he’s not to your liking, before you even meet him?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you are prone to worry before you have something to worry about. It’s OK,. You’re human. But does this behavior doesn’t have to run your life?  Absolutely not!

There are a number of different methods you can use to short circuit your worry cycle. Here are three I highly recommend.

1) Ask yourself, "Is what I’m worrying about really true?
For example, one of my clients recently expressed her concernt that men are bascially lazy and won’t do what it takes to have a relationship. I challenged her about that asking - is that really true? With some help she reconsidered that generalization and came to see that  not all men are too lazy for a relationship. Maybe some men are, but not all.

There could be lots of reasons why men who seemed interested didn’t follow thorugh to ask her out. A guy might have changed his mind, met someone else, got distracted by work, etc. None of these are good excuses, but they are not what she was worried about either right? This method of questioning yourself and your beliefs can help you negate those blanket generalizations that get you down.

2) When you realize you are in a worrisome thought loop, replace those negatve thoughts with something else.

For example, if you’re worried about being stuck on a date with some guy and not feeling free to just get up and leave,  replace that stressful thought loop with a positive statement or affirmation. "I am a confident woman who can handle situations gracefully." When you handle things gracefully, you can figure out how to get out of just about any situation right? Create a statement taht works for you and say it to yourself often.

3) Sometimes you might start fretting about potential outcomes not going your way.. And this way of thinking can limit your options.That’s when you tell yoursefl in a kind way to get a grip. Stay in the present moment and realize you’ll need to actually meet the man before you can know somethings for sure.

For example, you might decide to shun all men with kids because they’ll never have enough time for you.  But is that true? Some men will attend every single ball game, where some men will only see their kids on the weekends. You can’t know this until you meet him, and then you’ll probably need to experience a few dates to know for sure. Shen you catch yourself thinking this way,  say to yourself, "Hey, you’re getting way ahead of yourself. You haven’t even met this guy yet! Stay in the present moment and stop making stuff up about the future."

Now that’s a plan!

You can use any of these three techniques to help you end the cycle of premature worry. They will all work and work well together too. Sometimes the brain is very stubborn and you may need to apply the techniques several times. That’s normal too. You’re brain is used to the worry cycle, so it may take some time and effort to shift this behavior. But it’s worth the trouble to free yourself from the unecessary stress.of worrying before anything has even happened.

Worry is expending energy about something that hasn’t happend yet. It drains you and prevents you for trying new things. Don’t let worry get the best of you. Try these techniques and get a jump on things before you start worrying about that too!

19 Ways to Get More Men to Ask You to Dance!

I just read this great article about how to get more men to ask you to dance. Not just one or two ideas but 19! That’s a lot of tips on how to make the most of a singles dance or a ballroom or salsa group event.

 

Here are just a few to give ou afeeling about how smart the author is:

#2 Avoid bare shoulders or back. Why? Because directly touching your skin might seem like too much contact or intimacy for a man who doesn’t know you. Bare skin is fun for when you have a steady partner, but for meeting new men, covered shoulders are better.

#5 Say hi to lots of men, even starting in the parking lot. You don’t need to make more conversation than that or stick around to see if the men will start a conversation. All you are doing is being friendly and letting the men know you are approachable. Men don’t like to be rejected and some women are down right mean. Demonstrate your approachability and openess with a brief smile and a simple hello to find yourself with more dance partners.

These tips sound like I authored them, but I just paraphrased for you. And these ideas fit right in with my current theme of meeting lots of new men. With nineteen tips in all, you should be able to figure out how to dance the night away. Wouldn’t that be fun!

http://www.salsacrazy.com/guideforwomen.htm

This is a keeper - I’d print it out so you can remind yourself before going to a dance event. Nothng like a refresher to set your intention for a fun-filled evening. Enjoy!

The More People You Know, the Better Your Chances of Finding Dates

I found this great article today on MSN.com about expanding your social circle. Bascially the idea is, the more people you know, the more people they know. When you increase your social reach, you chances of meeting  "The One" get better and better.

Dating is a numbers game. With that in mind, you can see what a wise strategy meeting new people really is. If you’ve been reading my blog, you already know how I’ve been emphasizing being more friendly and meeting more people. This MSN article suggests that even meeting new members of the same sex can be a good entre into meetingis more members of the opposite sex. Good point!

This advice is particularly approrpiate for women over 40, and even more so over 50. Why? Because, the longer we live, the more likely it is to experience a natural attrition or loss of friends. People move away, change, leave the friendship , find new friends, etc. There are numberous reason why we lose friends and contacts over time. Making new friends is the best solution to keeping active and maintaining a wide social network.

Right now, open up this link and read this fantastic artilcle which lists a number of ways to build up your social connections. One good connection leads to another they say. I highly recommend it.

A Flirty, Fun Summer - What’s That?

One of my newest clients asked me what a flirty fun summer is supposed to be like.  That’s what I’ve been talking about a lot lately. The idea involves enjoying yourself while flirting with men. But let’s take a step back further to really examine what flirty fun might mean.

According to dictionary.com, the word FLIRT means:
To act amorously without serious intentions; to play at love

According to dictionary.com, the word FUN means:
Something that provides mirth or amusement, enjoyment or playfulness.

So Flirty Fun would be to act amorously without serious intentions for enjoyment.  Sounds like fun to me!

This is a very different agenda than to find a serious dating partner. Although, it might very well be a delicious byproduct of your flirty fun summer. The focus is on getting good at flirting, which improves your self esteem, builds your self-image, and most importantly, makes you very approachable.

Your approachability and your desirability are crucial to your ultimate dating success.

It’s a strategy to get good at, comfortable with and happy about talking with men you don’t know. And it’s one that works.

When you take the pressure off only speaking to potential Mr. Rights, you dramatically improve your approachability. I’m not saying you should date a bunch of Mr. Wrongs. Instead, I’m suggesting that you talk to a wide range of men and learn to enjoy it. When you enjoy talking with men, you send out an entirely different non-verbal message to the Universe (and to men) which is:

I like men! I have fun talking to new men! It’s fun to flirt with guys and I use my feminine charm which is my birth right. Flirting is a playful past time. I’ll feel good. And the men will feel good. And there’s no strings attached and no promises made. And, I laugh a lot, smile a lot more, and can look back at my summer and think - Wow - what a blast!

I have so many great memories and wonderful stories that will surely entertain my friends. Plus, now that I’m good at flirting, it’s simply part of who I am - I can do it way beyond the summer months. Which means I can have flirty fun any time, any where.

Why not take the challenge? What if you could meet 50 men during the 100 days of summer? Looking back after Labor Day weekend, you could recount all the men you met, fun you had, and dates you enjoyed. So many things happened that you never would have dreamed were possible.

And what is the downside? I can’t think of much downside to fun. Frankly I can never seem to have too much fun. I live for fun and laughter. That’s why I still flirt - it’s a spontaneous use of my sense of humor and creativity and it makes me happy. I like to make other people smile.

What about you? Give it a whirl! You don’t have much to lose, but you have so much flirty fun to gain.