Dating Over 40: The New York Cab Theory on When Men Decide to Marry

 

This past Sunday in the New York Times was a very interesting article about how men decide to get married and to whom. According to the writer, Tad Safron, it appears to be random in nature and based solely on his sense of timing. Here’s Tad’s theory:

Think of a man’s perspective on relationships like a ride in a New York taxi. Most men ride around all the time with someone in the taxi. She could be any woman, sometimes brilliant, sometimes just good looking. And they drive around until the woman says, let’s take our relationship to the next level. When pushed, they usually stop the cab, ask her to step out and look to pick up another fare.

But, for some strange reason comes a defining moment in time, when a man decides, "I’m sick of driving around," and he decides to marry.  Who ever the lucky woman is sitting in the back of the cab becomes the winner. It’s an unplanned, spur of the moment decision.

Tad claims that while some men feel they really have met "the one" woman for them, most men just decide spur of the moment and which ever woman they are with will do. Because of his theory, Tad suggests to women to "hang in there" because maybe you can out wait him and become Mrs. Spur of the Moment.
Ridiculous!

Don’t listen to this man’s strategy on finding a husband. This is complete and total nonsense. While he seems to dislike the idea of women requesting commitment, that is the only solution with one caveat -  your age. If you and he are younger, maybe in your 20′s, men are less likely perhaps to feel ready and may require more time than a man who is 38 or 45. But many men will never be ready until they are put to the challenge.

Let’s face it. Men don’t easily commit today because they don’t have to. With so many alternative arrangements that have become acceptable, why buy the cow when the milk is free? I don’t blame them really. But that is not the end of the discussion.

My strategy encourages you to know what your dating agenda is. Do you want marriage? If the answer is yes, then own it and let people know. Not in an obnoxious way, but to inform. Tell your friends, in case they are prone to fixing you up. Put it right into your online profile. If it chases men away – GOOD! Less time sorting via email, phone and in person. Let them self-select to make your life easier.

And whenin a relationship, when you feel enough time has passed and you want to know what he’s thinking about the future, (maybe after 6-10 months, maybe a little longer depending on your age, desire and timing) just ask him. Men do hate this, but most often it becomes a woman’s "job" today to move things along. Don’t berate, badger or demand. Just ask in a simple, non-pressured way, off the cuff event, "Have you thought about getting married?"

If he runs, that stinks.  But at least you’re not wasting time. If he struggles, maybe he’ll grow to like the idea. And if he seems ready too – hurray!

With times as uncertain as they are today, if marriage is your dream, please go after it. Now is really as good a time as any. Maybe better.

 

September 30, 2008 | Filed Under Blog | Leave a Comment 

Dating Over 40: Why Women Think All Men Stink and How that Affects Dating Success


Between the Wall Street news and US politics, I have been in search of some levity. And I found it at Defending the Caveman, a one man show at the Long Wharf Theatre in New Haven, CT. 

Originally on Broadway, this show was both highly entertaining and amazingly insightful. Taking things to the most elemental levels, Defending the Caveman shares a theory to explain the difficulties men and women have in communicating with each other. The basis? Men are Hunters and Women are Gatherers. Just as I have been saying for years, it’s in our DNA.

So what does this mean? Men are very focused on one activity at a time, because that is what successful hunting requires. This explains why men can’t watch TV and TALK to us at the same time among other things. Yet, women are skilled at multi-tasking from eons of taking in everything around us to gather the food we need. (I always add watching the children too.) The survival of the species depended on each gender using their respective skills to their fullest potential. That has created our problems in relating to and understanding each other today.

The one man show includes many poignant and hilarious examples of how this plays out in modern everyday life. From the way women have conversations and "gather" details about each others lives to the way men come up short with any scoop after their own exchanges. It also impacts our fights – they seem to recover much faster from disagreements. The vignettes were all very funny as well as shockingly accurate.

But the part I found most enlightening, was how the show got started. Taking us back quickly to the 50′s and 60′s when our financial independence, women’s lib and  s-e-x-u-a-l revolution got started. Bringing us through the 80′s where wonen really got a strong foothold in business equality and started demanding that men become more sensitive. Then moving into the time when, as the actor pointed out, men became ass-h-les. He literally said that. During the 90′s women’s attitudes towards men shifted dramatically.

I have wondered where the root of this being disgusted with men took hold. I have noted this outlook in so many of my clients. Many women today don’t respect men or really even LIKE men anymore. How many of us prefer to simply do without a MAN? It’s the "why bother" attitude that is so incredibly prevalent today.
 
According to Defending the Caveman, this transition took place in the 90′s. Maybe this is a reaction to the surging divorce rate. Maybe it’s related to competition between men and women and the glass ceiling. Maybe it’s a natural part of our transition during this continuing evolution between the sexes.

No matter the root cause, the results are obvious. Half the adult population is single and according to the AARP relationship study conducted in 2005, only 16% of singles care to do anything about their solo-status.

As a gender, if we continue down this path, we may be looking at a future that is not so bright. So what can we do? Well, go see this show. And really LISTEN to the differences that are pronounced and not changeable. Men will always be men. Women will always be women. But to continue to build families and lives together, we need to really "get" that our differences are inborn and genetic. Becoming more equal will never make us more similar.

From my experience as a dating coach, women say they want men who are more sensitive, yet they want men who are strong leaders, confident and good decision makers. To foster this behavior, can we also ask them to be sensitive like us at the same time? Remember, men are best doing one thing at a time and doing it really well.

I am not being facetious. I think it’s time women consider that recognizing what each s-e-x is skilled at and  understanding what is realistic to expect from men, can helps us start to relax, respect and enjoy men once again.
 
I am not suggesting that we allow them to treat us poorly or accept sub-standard behavior. I am just suggesting that we cut them some slack in certain expectations regarding their ability to be like us. ..

If you are looking for a loving relationship with a man, the very first step is to make sure you LIKE men. Not that you are switching sides. But you can’t want to be with a man and not like or respect them at the same time. It’s just not possible. The men can sense your feelings, even if they don’t know it consciously. THEY KNOW.

Give this some thought. I share my revelation with you because I have first hand experience with it. I am a product of competing with men in the workplace during the 80′s. I got my MBA and went to work in a Fortune 500 company. When I was done in 1990 and started my freelance business that continues today, I was fully entrenched in my "Men Suck" campaign.

At the end of the 90′s, I woke up single and distressed on my birthday and set myself on the journey to find love. One of the first things I had to deal with was my total disgust and dislike of men. When I made that attitudinal shift, everything else started to open and soften.

I encourage each one of you to give it serious thought if you want to find a good man to share a loving life, You will most likely need to begin with recognizing that men and women are not alike. If women continue to judge men by this feminine measuring stick, I can guarantee the process will be so much harder.

My goal as a dating coach is to encourage you to get out there to find the love you want and deserve. Good men exist in the world and there are plenty of them. My coaching question boils down to: "Are you open to seeing that as a realistic possibility?" I sure hope so!  And I bet that you can make this shift!
 
Wishing you love!

 

September 26, 2008 | Filed Under Blog | 1 Comment 

Dating Over 40: I Wish I Could See Him More Often

Melanie has been seeing John for 5 months now. Overall things are pretty good. They enjoy each others’ company and she hasn’t noticed any big red flags. Whew!

Yet Melanie thought things would be farther along by now. They spend their weekends together, but she wishes they could have dinner on a few week night as well. John seems perfectly happy with the way things are. He hasn’t stepped up their time together or requested more. She feels confused by this and isn’t sure if she should be reading any meaning into this behavior.

I reassured her that as long as John still makes plans with her on the weekends and calls frequently to talk and stay connected, there probably weren’t any issues. We could go on for days trying to read meaning into his not seeing her more during the week. You know how that is. We can create reasons why he’s not that available such as:

  • Maybe he needs a lot of alone time.
  • Maybe he’s tired.
  • Maybe he’s not that into her.

But what if, maybe he doesn’t know SHE wants to spend more time with him?

Melanie is a very busy woman. She takes yoga two nights a week, goes to networking events and does volunteer work. Maybe she’s trained him inadvertently that she is too busy during the week. So he has no idea that she’d like to see him more.

Solution? TELL HIM!

I suggested to Melanie that she say something simple like, "John, I wish we could see each other during the week too. We could have dinner, take a walk. or share a glass of wine. What do you think?"

Isn’t that simple?  Chances are very strong that John would be open to getting together on week nights. But at the beginning of their courtship, John had asked Melanie several times to see her and she was always busy. He’s a nice guy and can keep himself entertained. So he followed her lead and kept his time with her to the weekends.

In addition, Melanie has this idea that the man has to lead all aspects of the relationship. This is absolutely not true. In fact, many times it’s the woman who will move things along to ask fro a commitment or discuss marriage. Of course this is not advisable during the initial dating phase, but once you know you have an unspoken date on Saturday night, you have moved into the relationship phase. Completely different rules apply.

Some might argue that things might be a bit touchier for younger couples, maybe in their 20′s or early 30′s when men are so much more skittish. But when a man reaches 35 (and you do too) I truly believe that requesting what you want in the relationship is completely fine. You will learn a lot by doing so. You’ll discover if he wants to please you, stay with you, move forward with you or whatever it is you are asking. As i wrote in a previous post, even the topic of marriage is not off limits. Heck i had to bring it up with my husband and no harm done.

I read somewhere (wish I could remember the source) that it is actually the woman’s job to manage the relationship. Why? Because many men just aren’t inclined to move ahead naturally. Status quo is great – why mess it up?

The point is for Melanie and any woman out there in a relationship, if there is something you want to step up in your relationship, might as well bring it up and ask. If the man reacts badly – you have learned something important and can stop wasting time with him. And if he is open to taking the next step – hurray – you don’t need to wait any longer. Not much of a risk in the long run.

Get your needs met. Be reasonable yes. Delivery can be everything so don’t be demanding or stomp your feet. Don’t make the conversation a big deal. Pick your timing and your words well. And then bring up the subject lightly, like  you just thought of it. This is what I said to my husband after 5 weeks of dating and it worked like a charm:

"Paul, I really enjoy our time together. It’s fun seeing you on the weekends. I think it would be fun during the week too." He smiled and thought it was a good idea too. We started to see a lot more of each.

A simple request – a big move forward. Give it a shot.

 

September 24, 2008 | Filed Under Blog | Leave a Comment 

Dating After Divorce: But, I Have a History of Bad Picking!

 

This weekend I was speaking to old college friends about what else – dating! One friend Allison complained that the biggest obstacle to her getting back out there to find a man or date is the fact that she has not chosen well in the past. "I have a history of picking the wrong men!" complained Allison.
 
Do you ever feel like this? It can be a problem.
 
We talked about why her previous beaus were not right for her. Mostly it hinged on the fact that she heard what the men had told her about themselves and she managed to just not think about that. For example, one man who she spent 8 years with told her on the day they met that he never wanted to marry or have children.
 
But Allison was lonely and VERY attracted to him. She put away his specific comments and launched into the relationship any way. Maybe she thought his desires would change. Maybe she was only thinking for the moment. Now at 45, she looks back at this string of men and wishes she had paid attention.
 
Allison bemoaned the fact that she wasted time with these men and wished she had listened, had been smarter, had picked better. And looking forward, that is exactly what keeps her from trying again. "With such a bad history, why do I want more?"
 
This is an excellent question. However, it makes sense that no one wants more of THE SAME. No. Who would go for more disappointment?
 
I suggested something revolutionary to Allison. What if she made a list of the red flags that she have chosen to ignore in the past? Would that be helpful? She laughed and asked sarcastically, "What would I do with the list? Stick it on the refrigerator?" I responded with a  resounding, "Yes!"
 
The best thing to do is make a short list of the 5-10 things you never want again in a relationship. Then copy the list and put one on the refrigerator, the bathroom mirror, in your purse, at your desk and maybe even on your night stand. For people who have ignored red flags and not may have some regrets, this reminder is imperative as well as enormously helpful.
 
Second, remember that your past has made you who you are today. It has formed you shaped you and made you the rich character and personality that is you. Your relationships are part of your life experience which hopefully has made you smarter and wiser. It certainly can do that if you chose to look at things this way. I strongly advise it. Regret won’t help you move forward.  But learning from possible missteps will.
 
The past does not dictate the future. Please that has got to be true on ALL LEVELS. From your personal love life to world politics. We cannot let the past dictate our future. But we can LEARN FROM IT! If you still want a loving relationship with a great man, please make your list of red flags and then get back out there to find the love you want and deserve.
 

 

September 23, 2008 | Filed Under Blog | Leave a Comment 

Dating Over 40: Crushing on a Man


When was the last time you had a crush? Can you remember back that far? Or maybe you’re having one right now? A crush is a rush of intense attraction. One that makes your heart do that school girl pitter patter. You’re excited, maybe giggly, sometimes flirty. You’ve been caught actually batting your eye lashes.(Don’t worry, it’s a natural reflex.

But it can also manifest itself as intense s-e-x-u-a-l chemistry. You can feel the electricity jumping from the skin on your arm to the skin on his. The tingly rushes are exhilarating. That’s the kind of chemistry that makes you head for the closest freezer or water fountain just to cool things down after any interaction with "HIM."
 
Is this a good thing? Well that depends on a number of things:
  • First off, are you seeing someone else or are you available?
  • Second, is the guy single and available?
  • Third, he’s he the right kind of guy for you or a potential bad boy?

If you’re both single and he meets your initial criteria for a potential date, that’s great news! Flirt to your heart’s content. Make the most of mutual attraction and watch and wait to see how things evolve. It’s best not to pursue him or assert too much influence to make it happen. But you can be friendly, flirty and follow his lead.

This kind of crush or attraction is energizing, fun, adventurous and terribly exciting.

However, if you are available and he is NOT or he is a "bad boy" type, that’s a whole different story.

If you start feeling intense chemistry wit the wrong man, let that be a signal to you. Wake up to smell the coffee and recognize the emotional danger you are exposing yourself too. I hear too many women tell me "they just couldn’t help it." Or my favorite, "It just happened." Nothing just happens. You agreed at some level or point.

Now who am I to tell you not to risk an affair or travel down a road that looks like fun? No one. No one at all. I’m not here to judge you. Nope. My job is to help you keep from getting hurt and to hold your best interest in mind.

I can tell you that if you want to guard your heart and not get tied up with the wrong kind of guy for you, look at the signs and pay attention to the red flags. Occasionally, the red flags don’t crop up. Instead they come as a total surprise. Yet, more often than not, red flags are popping up like fireworks on the fourth of July. But hey – you like fireworks. so you choose to ignore them.

Crushing on a man can help you feel alive again. Re-energize your belief in love. Rekindle your allure and s-e-x drive. All of these things are fabulous. But that doesn’t mean it’s wise to take the next step. And a good crush is sometimes better left as it is – an interactive fantasy, a safe harbor for flirting and feeling like the attractive woman you really are. Go ahead and enjoy it. But don’t expect that it means anything and you will keep your head on your shoulders and your emotional heart intact..

 

 

 

 

 

September 18, 2008 | Filed Under Blog | 2 Comments 

Dating OVer 40: The Unspoken Rule of Dating Still Holds True

 

Let’s say you meet a man who really catches your eye and gets into your heart quickly. You meet for your first date which becomes one of those marathons. Then your next date is just two days later. Seems like all systems are go and you both had a fabulous time. That’s great.
 
But this week he has to travel for business and he won’t be around much. So now you’ve had lots of intense get-to-know-you hours of fun and you are left hanging. What’s a woman to do?
 
My client Melissa just asked this question about a guy she met. She wanted to know what she could do to keep the ball rolling even while he is away. Should she text or email him? Should she call him? What can she do to secure her standing?
 
NOTHING. The most effective thing Melissa can do is absolutely nothing. NADA, ZIPPO, ZERO.
 
But why? In this day and age of equality, why can’t she just be honest, tell him she really likes him and keep the conversation going? Because that is just not how things work in the dating world. Sorry but this is NOT a good strategy.
 
Being direct works with business. I like you, let’s do business together. Money and services are exchanged. That’s great!
This has absolutely nothing to do with the emotional murky waters of dating. The idea of connecting is not about being direct. And that is because, even today, men still enjoy the chase. Which means pursuing him, putting your cards on the table, telling him that you’ve chosen him – will mostly likely make him run. Fast.
 
As a woman, in the initial phases of dating, the first 4-8 dates, your best bet is to laugh at his jokes, praise him for having a good time or choice of restaurants, lean in to show interest while he talks and thank him genuinely at the end of the evening. That is your job. Men like women who are easy to please and easy to be with.  Men like women who make them feel good, masculine and appreciated.

Most men don’t like women who chase. Buy tickets and ask them out. Call to set up the next date.
 
Men like to think dating you is his idea. If he likes you , he wants to show off his stuff and try to please you to win you over  That’s how the game works. You may be tired of this game, but just like the Eagles song called Hotel California, you can check out but you can never leave. Same goes for dating. You can try to pursue, but it’s likely to make him run.
 
How do you cope with waiting to see what he does then? Date several men at once. Why put all your eggs in one basket – or your sites on one guy? This is particularly true with online dating. Many men will disappear as fast as they showed up. Rather than setting your sites on one guy with potential, thinking and thinking about him, imagining your future together – meet and date many men. This is the best solution to keep your mind occupied while seeing if one of them pans out.
 
This strategy worked really well for me. The other thing I did which also worked really well, was avoid marathon dates to guard my heart. Instead, I kept the first few dates under 3 hours. In fact, my first dates were usually never mroe than 90 minutes. This helped me not get sucked in or hooked on a man too quickly.
 
Recognize the unspoken rule of dating and do your best to work within it. You may think it stinks. You may strain against it. You may curse the situation and defy it. But if you want to stay sane while dating, you’ll stop chasing men and let them chase you. It’s far more productive use of your dating time and effort. Increase your allure, if you like a man, smile and let him know what a great time you had. Send the right signals and you will attract and find the right man for you.

 

September 16, 2008 | Filed Under Blog | 1 Comment 

Dating Over 40: Are you Holding Back in Your Relationship?


Maribeth has been dating Ben for more then 6 months. I hear from her frequently with questions and updates on how things are going. She just went away for their first weekend trip and they really got along and had a wonderful time together. That’s good news!

But not good enough perhaps. Seems Ben just doesn’t have the affectionate nature that Maribeth desires. He’s honest, straight forward, has a good sense of humor, a strong s-e-x drive, is generous. But Ben gets just a "C" for affection.

Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting more affection. But what surprised me is what Maribeth was doing about creating this. Nothing. So I’m surprised to hear that she’s WAITING for Ben to be affectionate rather than initiating some affection herself. I asked her, if you want to hold his hand, have you simply reached for it? She said, "No."

Let’s get clear about dating protocol. After six months, you are not dating any more. You are in a relationship. All that holding off, holding back, letting the man lead stuff softens with time. Often the woman starts making the social arrangements and I would think initiating intimacy if desired. Why not affection too?

Turns out Maribeth has been totally letting Ben lead. She has not shifted into relationship mode but remains stuck in  just dating. Maribeth is in her relationship, but hanging out on the sidelines. She’s still observing, critiquing and measuring. It makes sense to keep your eyes open, but what happens when you continually view your situation from the outside? You cannot be in two places at once. So Maribeth lives her relationship from the sidelines.

My suggestion? Jump in and get into the middle of the relationship. At a dance, you can’t fully experience the fun if you are dancing alone on the edge of the dance floor. Oh no. You  want to be in the thick of the whirling swirling bodies, shaking and bobbing to the music. That’s where it’s happening. And the same thing is true for relationships.

I suggested to Maribeth that if she wanted a kiss, ask for one. Or lean over and kiss him. If she wants to hold hands, do it. If she wants to snuggle on the couch while watching TV, move over and snuggle up. Don’t over do it. You don’t want to crowd or smother they guy. But when you want some affection, get it started. Sometimes men are relieved and pleased when they don’t have to start everything.

If you are a woman who has been dating your guy for over six months, admit you are in a relationship. If it’s not the right relationship, then move on. If you are uncertain about the rightness, the best way to really know is to pretend you are happy to see what happens next.

When you hold back and watch from the sidelines, you will never really know how you feel. Because you are not really involved. When you hold yourself separate – the man will sense it. He will feel it. And if he is serious about you, you will start to make him wonder. That’s not what you want is it?

Take the chance. if the man  you are dating is a good man, you have enough in common, you seem to want the same things out of life and you enjoy each other’s company, then open your heart and let him in. Jump into the middle of the dance floor of life and stop waiting on the sidelines being cautious. While I’m a big believer in cautiousness, there is a time and place for everything. Give the good guys a real shot at making you happy to experience the full potential of what the two of you can have together.

 

September 15, 2008 | Filed Under Blog | 5 Comments 

DAting OVer 40: Visual Affirmation of Love on YouTube

This mini-video is very well done. Amrita found so many gorgeous heart-shaped photos, Take a moment to view and listen to the lulling and expansive music which she wrote herself.

This is a great way to reinforce your desire for love with visual impressions. By watching it, you are employing the law of attraction. It raises your energy to the level of what you  want – LOVE. Like attracts like, so watch the video and elevate your energy to attract the love you want and deserve.

Of course this is not your personal vision of love, but it’s generic enough to work for almost anyone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0PpKD5MYxA

Please enjoy the movie!

 

 

September 13, 2008 | Filed Under Blog | 1 Comment 

Dating After Divorce: Becoming More Positive about Dating or Anything


Ever hear of Jerry and Esther Hicks? They run workshops called, "The Art of Allowing" which are very interesting. Esther shares insights about the Law of Attraction and how to apply it to anything and EVERYTHING in life. After listening to one of the recordings,  I come away uplifted and feeling good.

The most powerful thing I learned this week is what I want to share with you now. But first i have to give you the set up so you can get it like I did.
 
Have you noticed that voice in your head with the constant internal dialog? Is it positive? Does it make you feel worried? Does it mostly criticize you and others? Quite often, that voice has a good deal of nasty comments and runs rather negative.  Admittedly, mine does. Until I remember this plain and simple truth:
 
My inner voice is not my true authentic self!
 
Then in working to be more positive, I sometimes start to chastise myself for being a negative thinker. Why is it so hard to change? Why am I not better at this by now? Why can’t i just be more positive on a consistent basis?
 
But guess what? That’s the same nasty inner voice running its racket on me again! Huh? Yup it’s true. We cannot rationalize our way out of this. It just is what it is. A vicious little  thought loop that is inescapable if you continue to use that same method to change things.

So what can be done to change things?
 
Recognize that every new moment is a gift. It’s a gift because it holds within it the possibility for a new beginning. Each second that ticks by is another opportunity to start fresh. You can’t look back and moan over the time lost to negative thinking – because that is MORE NEGATIVE THINKING! The only thing you can do to break the cycle is to START THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY AND FEEL GOOD RIGHT NOW. That’s it!
 
Sounds so simple, but it can be so difficult. It’s just not our natural habit of thinking. We are more familiar with the groove of negativity. it’s comfortable. We know how to think like that. We know how to beat ourselves up and feel bad. And we do it so well.
 
So next time you want to feel more positive, just think about something fun or nice or a fond memory or a positive thought about your future, or the warmth of the sun on your skin, or the beauty of fall flowers like mums and asters. The actual thought doesn’t matter as long as it’s one of happiness or gratefulness.
 
If you want to become more positive about dating, find one good thought about it. One positive thought about the future, about meeting new people, one great smile, one fun dance, one warm hand, etc.

Anything will do, so long as you start. Start right now. Start in this moment. Start in 5 minutes. Any time you start is a new beginning and whatever you do, don’t look back. But if you do, no problem, just start again now.
 
It’s powerful and freeing to remember that every second of your life holds the possibility of starting fresh and feeling good.
 
Lots of love for you today!
Ronnie
 
 

 

September 12, 2008 | Filed Under Blog | Leave a Comment 

Dating Over 40: Small Course Corrections on Your Dating Journey

This poem by Rumi was sent to me by a woman who asked a question on the blog which I answered.

Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes.
If it were always a fist or always stretched open,
you would be paralyzed.
Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding
the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds wings.
-Rumi 

I find these words very thought provoking. The analogy reminds me of sailing. The boat has a  location it is aiming for. But the actual path requires tacking. Tacking puts the boat in the direction of the wind and then requires constant adjustment as the boat moves back and forth to reach its destination.

The course is not direct or straight. There is a lot of back and forth and adjusting as the wind blows and resistance is met. But with determination, consistency and continuous course corections, the destination is reached. Sounds a lot like the path taken to achieve any goal in life doesn’t it?

So if your journey to find love takes you off course, or you feel like it’s not direct enough, remember this Rumi poem or the sailing example. You probably just need a minor course correcton to get you back on track. Small moves are really all it takes.

 

What small move can you take today to find and/or attract love?

September 9, 2008 | Filed Under Blog | Leave a Comment 

Dating Over 40: The Astonishing Power of Intention


This is truly the most impactful experience I’ve had lately with the power of intention. While this example doesn’t apply to dating, the principles still hold true.  This is all related to the Law of Attraction  When your intention is clear about what you want to attract, everything happens more quickly. Regardless of why you employ the power of intention, start to recognize the velocity and vast possibilities that holding true to your intention can create for you.

Here’s the story:

Rebecca was very excited and so we were off on her quest. As we got to the supposed location, there was no outdoor market to be seen any where in the vicinity. We had already used up 15 minutes of the 3 hours, so I suggested moving on to the next agenda item.

 

Rebecca wouldn’t hear of it. She had brought the big cooler and was salivating for fresh produce. She said, "Let’s just look around a bit" and before you know it, she did find the market. OK, it was really good, the produce was beautiful and they had a jazz band playing. We put our purchases into the cooler, hopped back into the car and were on to the Yale Museum of Art to see the Van Gogh paintings on the last day of the exhibit.

 

Meanwhile I’m thinking – "This is silly. How will we ever park, walk to the museum and wait in the line to see the exhibit, AND still make it to the third stop which was shopping at Urban Outfitters down the street?" So I voiced this rather negative thought.  I’m just practical. How could all of this work? I figured, let’s just go shopping where her daughter wanted to go and skip the big time waster of the museum.

 

Again Rebecca said, "Let’s just try." As we continued discussing how we could possibly find a parking space in downtown New Haven, someone pulled out, she pulled in and we were walking to the museum.

 

We arrived and discovered that there was a short wait to see the Van Gogh’s – THREE MINUTES!  Who ever heard of such a thing? That’s not a wait, it’s a deep breath. So we got in line, walked into the room with the two paintings: Starry Starry Night and Cypress which were amazing to behold.  I marveled over the paintings, over how quick and easy it was to see them, and over how my cousin pulled this off.

 

Onto agenda item number three. Here’s where Gina got negative and told her mom that she rather just skip it. Why bother if she doesn’t really have more than 10 minutes to shop? Rebecca responded with her usual, "Let’s just try." She dropped Gina off in front of the strip of stores then we went on to find parking. Rebecca and I got out of the car and walked over to the stores. Not sure which one Gina had entered we went into the first one and yes, saw Gina on the stairs going up. She had picked out several items which she proceeded to try on, picked two and stood in line to pay.

 

We exited the building, back to parking lot where we paid and drove off to drive me back home. From there Rebecca and Gina went go on to their final destination, attending a meeting at a town 20 minutes away.

 

Clockwork. It was like clockwork. All the pieces simply fell into place  Even though Gina and I both made negative comments about the reality of what was possible in such a short amount of time. Rebecca never veered from her intention. She had a mission, she didn’t let herself get influenced by anyone’s negativity. She just moved on to the next thing and made it all happen!  I praised her for this truly amazing accomplishment.

 

Now, apply this to your dating journey.

How strong is your intent? How strong is your vision and belief that you will find love? That love is out there and so is the right man for you?

 

If you held your intention to find love the way Rebecca held to her vision for the afternoon, what would that be like? How would you feel when things didn’t go your way? If you were like my cousin, you would say, "Let’s just keep trying, stay motivated, imagine that it’s happening right now."  

 

Will you adopt this approach and philosophy? Just try to believe, keep moving and strengthen your belief that the right man for you is out there and you will find each other soon. I’ve seen the power of intention. It’s a force that cannot be denied.

September 8, 2008 | Filed Under Blog | 1 Comment 

Dating Over 40: Janie Stops Looking and Finds Her Man

Yesterday I spoke to Janie who at 57, happily showed me her dazzling new diamond engagement ring. For years, I’ve seen Janie at our business women’s network luncheons.  As long as we didn’t talk about men, she was happy, bubbly and fun to be around. But if the topic of men came up – wow, not the same woman.

Janie had purchased a coaching package from me nearly five years ago at a fundraising auction. Two hours of coaching accompanied by my book was what she bid on and won. And occasionally at meetings, over the next few years, Janie would grimace and say, I should really call you. But she never did. That’s OK. Everyone has her/his own sense of timing and need.

So yesterday, I asked her, "Janie, how did you meet your fiancé?" She started to explain how she had completely given up looking for a guy. And then a friend dragger her to a swing dancing event where she met Bob and the rest was history.

That’s her version. But after speaking with her, I can tell you that is NOT what actually happened. Oh no, not even close.

You see, I am really adept at reading between the lines. And what Janie doesn’t realize is that it wasn’t that she had given up looking for a man. She had been divorced for over 9 years and every time she met a man after her divorce, he always turned out to be a scoundrel. Not who he said he was, not truthful, not available. You know the story.

So Janie had developed quite an attitude about men. Truth is Janie stopped liking and trusting men. She thought that as a group, they just couldn’t be trusted and there certainly weren’t any good ones left out there. She became bitter and hopeless sad to say.

The truth about giving up on finding a good man… The truth about her not looking any more.. That is NOT what she gave up. The deeper truth is that when Janie stopped  looking, she stopped looking for the same TYPE OF MAN who always disappointed her. She gave up on disliking men. She let go of her anger when she decided to not look any more.

And guess what? Janie softened. She became friendlier because she didn’t care any more. She didn’t look at each man as a candidate to scrutinize and dislike in advance because of the likelihood that he would eventually disappoint her LIKE ALL MEN.

That is exactly what Janie gave up. In doing so, she opened the door for a decent man, a good man to show up. AND HE DID!

Janie claims that she and Bob are so much alike they are like two peas in a pod. They really enjoy each other and have fun. She got the fun back in her life! But it’s not Bob’s doing. Oh no it’s all Janie. Because she got off the bitter bus and she got back into real life.

Congratulations Janie! I wish you all the love you deserve and can  handle! I am completely thrilled to hear this news, not only for Janie, but for every woman riding that bitter bus. Pull the cord, get off the bus and open to a world with possibilities – the possibility that you CAN FIND LOVE and THE RIGHT MAN FOR YOU IS OUT THERE.

Get off the bitter bus and discover what’s possible for you!

 

September 4, 2008 | Filed Under Blog | 2 Comments 

Dating Over 40: Whip Appeal or Icing without the Cake?

Ever hear of "Whip Appeal?" Apparently it’s a good thing for a woman to have. I learned about this new phrase when I visited the Dating Goddess – her blog is full of great insights about dating over 40.

A man recently told  the Dating Goddess that she had "Whip Appeal" and so she did research to discover if this was a good thing. Turns out whip appeal is BIG among the male 20-something crowd. Her friends’ sons confirmed that having "Whip Appeal" means you have a guy wrapped around your little finger and that he just can’t stop thinking about you and how to please you. ( Is this in a movie, a novel or real life?)

At first our heroine was excited to think of herself having such strong appeal. But then she started to wonder…do I really have Whip Appeal or did my date just say that to get in good with me?

EXCELLENT QUESTION!

She went on to talk about how important it is to observe a man’s behavior and actions, rather than take his word for something. Good point.

High School Chemistry
That’s why in my workshops I always talk about how dating is really like high school chemistry. You put the ingredients into the beaker, you stir if called for and then the most important part of the experiment is to OBSERVE. No additional ingredients. No further stirring. You simple sit back, wait and watch to see what happens.

Now apply this chemistry lesson to dating.

Your date calls you and sets up a date. Let him pick the restaurant or destination rather than piping in with your ideas. You’ll have plenty of time to play party director later once you become "an item.".

The advantage of letting him pick out the place is that you learn what he likes and what he will do to impress you . Then if you are unimpressed or shocked or thrilled, you have collected crucial data about this man to help you decide if you want to continue dating him. 

Missed Opportunity
On the other hand, if you go where YOU suggest, you haven’t learned a thing about his taste, his likes, or what he will do to impress you. And that is a huge missed opportunity.

The Point of Dating
The whole point of dating is to find out if the man who asked you with worthy of your time. And when you enter into the chemistry experiment with your ideas, or calling him, or offering to pay, you will not know if he is generous, of how interested, or what his sense of timing is regarding how often he wants to see you.

The point of dating is to collect data to see what a man will do on his own to win you over. His behavior and interest will never be greater than the first three dates. My advice? Do whatever you have to, including taping your mouth shut to let him lead.,  That way you ‘ll get to know if he is all talk but no action or follow through - which is the same as icing without the cake. It’s sweet, but has no real substance.

September 3, 2008 | Filed Under Blog | 1 Comment 

Ronnie on the Radio

Listen to Ronnie on the Radio

NETWORKING SINGLES RADIO SHOW
Thursday 2/26/09 Listen to live broadcast at www.WNRI.com  6-7pm est click on listen button  
LA TALK RADIO The Art of Love Radio show with Lucia
Great interview with Lucia last Sunday. Listen here! www.latalkradio.com/Lucia.php

September 2, 2008 | Filed Under Past Events | Leave a Comment 

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