When I first encountered Lori Gottlieb’s controversial article in the February 2008 issue of Atlantic Monthly, I hated the idea of settling and simply couldn’t get past the choice of language.
Now that I have read her new book, I can honestly say– it’s a must read for every woman over 35 looking for a husband. Read it if you have dated a lot of men and can’t find one who measures up. Read it if you can’t find any men worth dating. From either end of the spectrum, Lori’s ground-breaking book will wake you up and dramatically change the way you think about the ideal man.
This is not another “how to date” book. You won’t learn new dating skills or how to react to his phone calls, first kiss etc. Marry Him is all about getting clear on what is really important to you in a partner, beyond the typical window dressing that women want. Reading this book, you’ll discover more sensible ways to determine if a man might make a good husband and become more realistic about what makes a good marriage over the long haul. Big hint: It’s not the twinkle in his eye.
There are some incredible insights that will help you revise your strategies for looking for “the one.” The chapters are brimming with gems from social researchers at prominent universities, matchmakers, experts, dating coaches and Lori’s own epiphanies.
Gottlieb openly shares what she learned on her own search to better understand what went wrong in her dating life that kept her single. She looks at the idea of what is “good enough” in great detail to support a new vision for single women about what makes a good partner. I applaud this journey and her bravery to share it.
Here’s a sampling of the insights that Lori uncovered. See if any of this sounds similar to the way you approach dating.
How Women Get in Their Own Way
1. Feminism messed up her love life and women’s “empowerment” became synonymous with having high standards that are nearly impossible to satisfy. Also, to be strong and independent causes some confusion about the OK-ness of feeling lonely and wanting a companion and partner. Further, the “I don’t need a man” war cry, makes women seem standoffish and leaves many without a man.
2. Charisma, witty banter and fireworks may be fun qualities in a boyfriend, but stability and trustworthiness are the foundation for a good husband. There seems to be a criteria gap between the two jobs (from boyfriend to husband) making it hard for women to know what is best for them.
3. Assumptions and snap judgments limit love opportunities. Women create stories in their heads about a man which have nothing to do with the reality of who he is or what he thinks. Yet women believe their own stories more than any other possibility. Knowing less about a potential mate actually gives you a better chance of getting to know him.
4. According to social scientist Barry Schwartz from Swarthmore College, a lot of women are constantly looking over their shoulders for something better. They can date a man for years and not know if they want to marry him because a better man may come along. The longer a woman spends being indecisive, thinking there are better options, the more likely she will focus on her man’s faults.
5. Women want to date the alpha male who is nice. (That’s realistic right?) But alpha males are arrogant and self-centered, lacking the desired emotional capacity. Start accepting the fact that one human being cannot provide the level of emotional intensity that most men don’t want in the first place. In addition, think about this rationally: Does the alpha male want a strong, independent, successful woman or a woman who can focus on his career and needs?
Strategies to Improve Your Odds for Finding Love
1. Favorite quote from Evan Marc Katz, LA Dating Coach: “[Dating] reality doesn’t suck. If you didn’t have the fantasy, the reality would be just fine.” Well said Evan! Along with this, wanting a man to adore you is another fantasy that gets in your way.
2. Second favorite Evan Marc Katz quote, “Look for a reason to say ‘Yes’ rather than ‘No.’ ” It’s much easier to weed men out, but more productive to find reasons to consider a man and give him a chance. I give the same dating advice to my clients all the time!
3. Don’t waste time on men who aren’t looking for a woman like you. Duh! If you’re not in his age range or don’t have the qualities he seeks, move on to find men who do want you.
4. In the 1960’s, the top reasons to marry were: 1) raise a family; 2) economic stability; 3) have a home and yard; 4) love. Love was not first in the ’60s. Today love is first in the me generation and other reasons fall behind that. Yet, statistics show you’ll be happier if you are more realistic and adjust your expectations about what marriage and men have to offer.
5. Can you break free of your old habits to try something new? If you will only date the same type of man who didn’t work out in the past, that’s a problem. However, from this dating coach’s perspective, if you can open your eyes, mind and heart to consider other types of men, that’s when you know you might find a good match.
Get a copy of the Lori’s book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. Read it with the mind set of allowing new dating perspectives to shift your thinking and create new methodologies. I’m happy to report that Lori is optimistic about her love prospects today. And, don’t forget my success story – I I found love at 41 (that’s Lori’s age) and married for the first time at 43.
One Thing I Would Add
Do you find it hard to visualize actually finding love with a good man? Do you wonder if you can turn things around and change your dating karma?
Not only must you open your eyes, mind and heart to men, but most importantly, you must BELIEVE THAT FINDING LOVE IS POSSIBLE. Without this fundamental belief, you won’t want to bother. And you certainly won’t try changing anything. Why put effort into something that has no chance of working out, right?
To help you remedy this self defeating thought pattern, I’m offering my audio program, I Believe: Affirmations to Attract Love Now at an incredible discount. Normally, $29.95, the “I Believe” audio program is only $12.97. This for the downloadable MP3 file only. I’ve sold nearly 100 copies this month alone. It’s my way of offering you coaching support during your search and bolstering your mind set.
The audio features three different length recordings approximately 20 minutes, 12 minutes and 6 minutes, plus a full explanation of how the process works. These affirmations were developed specifically to permeate your subconscious mind and create the belief that you can find love.
If you have trouble imagining that everything can work out for you in the love department, this audio will surely help. For $12.97, you don’t have much to lose. Get your copy now and start believing in your own romantic future.
And be sure to get your copy of Lori’s book too!