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He Flirts with Me, So Why Doesn’t He Ask Me Out?

Why doesn’t he ask me out

Has this happened to you?

There’s a guy at work, church, or in your social circle. When you see him, he seems to light up. He seems very interested in what’s going on with you and catching up. He may flirt with his eyes, or verbally, or even touch you lightly. For some women, the man has actually taken things as far as kissing you once or twice.

Every time you see him, you experience the intense excitement of attraction. You feel prettier after talking with him. Your heart might be going pitter-patter. Its such a great feeling, exhilarating really. He must feel it too! How could you be the only one feeling this? There’s absolutely no way he doesn’t feel this same electricity. The same attraction. The same excitement.

But, and this is a huge but -

He Doesn’t Ask You Out!

Your relationship is stuck at flirting. And it drives you completely crazy. You simply cannot stop thinking about him. Every time you run into him (which might be daily, once a week at church, or occasionally in your social circle), afterwards you spend days going over every detail of your interaction. What he said. His smile. The way he looked at you. How he lightly touched you on the arm or shoulder and the sensations that coursed through your body as a result.

Which leads you to wonder why he doesn’t ask you out. Which creates a certain degree of frustration because you do not understand!  How can this be? Why doesn’t he take it to the next obvious step?

I have had several dating coaching clients tell me about these interactions at church and at work. Other people have asked you about the situation, thinking you must be seeing each other. They’ve noticed how things are between you. How can they see it, but he doesn’t do one thing about it?

Well here are three possible reasons why he’s not asking you out:

1. Oh yeah, he’s attracted to you.  However, he is actually involved with someone else. And for whatever reason he doesn’t want to mention that because he enjoys flirting with you. It makes him feel good too.

2. He isn’t ready or looking for a relationship. But flirting with you gives him his “feminine fix” and then he’s on his merry way. He definitely benefits from flirting with you. It makes him feel alive and wanted. He loves the attention you give him.  Yet, he has no intention of ever taking this one step further and he’s probably not emotionally available.

3. He has something going on in his life that is keeping him from being active romantically. It could be financial trouble, health issues, emotional baggage, or any number of other concerns. It doesn’t really matter though because he’s not moving forward any time soon.

Why is this so confusing and agitating for you? Here it is in a nutshell:

You mistake his flirtations and interactions with you as being in some sort of relationship.

A relationship with potential or promise. That’s a huge  perceptual problem for you. The truth is, THIS IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP! And sadly, 99.9% of the time, it never will be.

Does this mean flirting with this man is a waste of time? Not necessarily. There are some benefits as long as you are clear this is going no where. Flirting like this:

  • Builds your flirting and conversation skills
  • Improves your confidence and self-esteem
  • Makes you feel more attractive and desirable
  • Allows other men to see how great you are in action
  • Can be a great love life launching pad, if you allow yourself to not get lost in it

This is the biggest problem with Mr. Flirtypants:

He Is Not Mr. Right. If he were Mr. Right, he’d be asking you out.

He has some major flaw that keeps him from entering a relationship with you. Please don’t forget that essential piece of the puzzle.

If you find yourself in this situation, take the time to evaluate how long this has been going on and if there is any reason to believe, in reality, if he’ll ever ask you out. Remember, 99.9% of the time, nothing will ever happen and these are dead end situations that disappoint you and take you away from your mission – looking for and finding love.

Find out the 5 Big Turnoffs That Drive Men Away when you download my dating advice in this free book.

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113 Responses to “He Flirts with Me, So Why Doesn’t He Ask Me Out?”

  1. Lisa says:

    Thank you so much for writing this! I think you have hit the nail on the head. It’s something your friends can’t understand or won’t tell you. I see the person almost daily. At first I was getting the benefits in your bullet points above. Now I think I’m worried I’m at the point that it is keeping me from my mission. It’s been going on for about almost 3 months. The only difference from the above scenarios is that he does ask me to lunch, to workout or drinks. But these aren’t really dates. They are not days in advance. It’s more like last minutes invites like lets grab a drink to night after a hard day at work. Anyhow thanks for the perspective, I don’t want to spend months being distracted from my goals. I think you are right that if he was really interested he’d find a way to make it happen despite the barriers.

  2. Ronnie says:

    Hi Lisa,

    I’m glad you found this helpful. Good for you for realizing that you don’t want to get off course. Seeing things clearly is a powerful step get what you want – which might not be with… him. Wishing you love!

  3. Ragazza says:

    Hi Ronnie,

    This post helped me a lot to understand a particular situation I am currently facing. This guy flirts with me a lot in the office. Suddently, he became to appear in every place I am in. He compliments me in front of other peers. Everytime he sees me always give me all the attention by talking to me, picking on me or touching me in a respectful way.
    I friend of mine told me she thinks he is in love with me, but he never ask me out. I flirt and smile back. We are constatly messaging each other but nothing goes beyond that. The problem is that I am falling in love with him.

    Thanks again for your post. I also agree with Lisa, if he is interested he will make a move.

  4. Ronnie says:

    Hi Ragazza,
    I agree if he is truly interested, he will take the step to date you. In the meantime, I suggest being a less familiar with him (like no massages). If you get wrapped up with him, your heart will no longer be open to others. It sounds like that might be happening. I encourage you to guard your heart because he does not sound relationship ready. Waiting for him will only keep you single. But if you back off a bit, it gives you the space to let go of him and makes room for him to step it up – if he chooses to do so.

  5. Brent says:

    I used to flirt with a woman all the time but never asked her out. It was her own fault not mine. She kept stationing herself near me. I couldn’t help flirting with her because I found her attractive.

    I thought that she was someone that I could become seriously involved with and probably marry. This is why I avoided talking to her. I didn’t want to be involved in a relationship or be married.

    If a guy flirts with you and doesn’t ask you out just forget about him. If a guy wants to know you he will ask you out right away.

  6. Ronnie says:

    Thank you Brent for your confirming, honest email and advice! I hope my readers listen and believe.

  7. Brent says:

    I don’t think men take flirting as seriously as women. They take it very lightly.

    When a women returns a mans flirt she expects him to ask her out. It can be devastating for some women when he doesn’t. At least that’s what I’ve come to believe.

    In my case the woman didn’t stop at flirting. It could probably be considered stalking. Some bad things happened. It didn’t stop until she met another guy.

    Even after she started going out with the other guy our eyes would still meet. For a long time, they disappeared. I thought they got married and moved away.

    Several years passed. But recently, I learned that they are still around. She is still looking at me and he looks like he wants to give her to me.

    I couldn’t believe this. I walked outside with nothing on but my shorts one day. And there she was sitting in his car watching me. Her boyfriend was laughing. That was when I first became aware they were still around.

    I used to look at her like I was falling in love with her for the first time each and every time I saw her. I wasn’t ready for her back then. There was a lot of things going on in my life. I don’t know if the chemistry is there anymore.

    I feel kind of sad. I must have really meant something to her for her to still be thinking of me after all this time.

  8. Ronnie says:

    Hi Brent,
    Flirting and stalking and not at all similar. Stalking is way beyond a normal interest level and usually has some kind of unhealthy attachment. And, are you saying she stalks you with her boyfriend in the car? Maybe I misunderstood…

    You deserve so much more. Let go of how things were and how you looked at her. That is in the past and no longer valid. Move on to find a healthy love, the one you are ready for now, today.

    And if she continues to stalk you, I’d take photographs and show them to the police. Stalking can be a tip off to you of potential unpleasant future interactions and at the very least an invasion of your privacy.

  9. Brent says:

    I meant that it went from flirting to what probably would be considered stalking. The unpleasant interactions stopped a long time ago.

    I didn’t mean that she stalked me with her boyfriend in the car. Her boyfriend just honks the horn on his car and points to her when they drive by. He will stop in front of the house with her if he sees me outside. I don’t really care but don’t understand his behavior.

    I think a good way to get to know someone would be to send them a friend request on Facebook. You can chat with them and decide to meet with them for a date from there.

  10. Diane says:

    Hello Ronnie,
    Thank you for your post, I think it is very helpful and honest. For the past about a year now, my best friend’s brother has been flirting with me. In a way that I would never expect from him because I have known him for as long as my best friend, which is 12 yrs now, and I know for a fact that i am not his type, but he only flirts with me when my friend is not around. I tried talking to my friend about it twice, but I learned that I am not going to do that again because she was in shock and actually blamed me for leading him on but nothing like that ever happened. He would also flirt physically, like touching and stuff. Its bad but I am falling for him and I know he has NO feeling for me. :/

  11. Ronnie says:

    Hi Diane,
    Thanks for sharing your story with me. I’m sorry to hear that your friend was so accusatory. How strange. My advice about the flirty brother is not to spend much time around him. The last thing you want is to fill your heart with a guy who you already know is not interested. When you are in a group of people, walk away and talk to others if you can. Flirting is such fun and it can mean a guy is interested in you. But if he hasn’t taken any steps to ask you out, then its a go-nowhere situation. Stay away! Lots of love to you, Ronnie

  12. Diane says:

    You’re right! But how can I do that when I am always over at her house, and he lives there so he is always around…I cant talk to him about it cause I will feel weird…. It’s like I want him to flirt but than I don’t, I know so confusing, am I wrong to feel this way?

  13. Lisa says:

    Hey Ronnie, i’d like to thank you for writing this article. I must admit, i’ve been in denial about my whole situation. I think it’s the attention and time he spends with you that cause’s you to question his intentions. Myself, i’m currently in a romantic rut. I’ve been seeing this guy since March. Back then he just came out of a long-term relationship, i was cool with that. As the months passed he became more flirtatious and we “Hanged out” numerous times. Mostly consisted of movies and/or dinner, always night “Dates”. Over time i must admit i did develop “feelings” towards this guy. And all the attention and time we spent together gave me this false hope of us being together and prevented me from moving on. There was this time where he suggested being in an “Open relationship” (Previously i told him i wasn’t looking for anything serious – i was lying so i wouldn’t come across as needy/clingy) we fooled around cuddling and stuff never went further then kissing – after we kissed the next day he texted me saying he wasn’t sure if we should be. I initially got into abit of a huff and ended the “Fooling around” we went back to how we were before, but recently the flirtatious behavior from his side has came back.He even jokingly says we’ll be married one day and “acts jealous of other males” Not sure if he’s actually jealous or joking. I feel like a toy being played with. I’m just confused about where this situation might be heading and in desperate need of an outsiders perspective. I feel as if i’m running around in circles. I do care about this guy, but i also care about myself and i’m not sure if my heart can take anymore of this confusion.

  14. Brent says:

    Hi Diane,

    Let the guy know that his flirting displeases you. Tell him to stop staring at you or stop touching you in a way that shows your displeasure and that you are going to let others know what he is doing. Once you end the flirting he will respect you and you can have normal relations. When flirting isn’t an option, only a direct, honest approach is.

  15. Ronnie says:

    Hi Lisa,
    Its so hard to face the truth about situations like these because they are fun and flattering. But as you yourself have said, you aren’t sure your heart can take much more confusion. Since you’ve written this to me, I want to help you end the confusion. Walk away.

    I can see how smart you are because you even mentioned that you feel played with. This guy is attracted to you, but doesn’t want a committed relationship or doesn’t think you are the right woman for him. But if he can convince you to sleep with him any way, he can have his cake and eat it too. And you’ll be left heartbroken. Walk away.

    Truth is – there is no confusion. You are clear about who he is – you just wish the outcome was different. If his intentions were good, you’d know that by now. Walk away.

  16. Selle says:

    Hi,

    Thanks so much for this. I am going through something similar for 2 months now. The guy works for a company that does business with the company I work for. We are forced to talk regularly and eventually exchanged bbm pins and started chatting there. He is quite flirtatious but nothing beyond that. I was falling for him until I realized it was going nowhere. So then I decided to limit contact (private conversation).

    He has started taking very constant initiative to be in touch with me and we bbm daily afternoon and night. He flirts and hasn’t asked me out.

    I am anxious and confused.

  17. Ronnie says:

    Selle, Since he hasn’t asked you out, nothing has changed. I would venture a guess that he will just keep you flirting, leading you on and playing with your heart. Jump ship and go back to ignoring him. Look for a man who is emotionally mature and looking for a long-term relationship. This guy will do nothing but disappoint.

  18. Diane says:

    Hi Brent,

    Thanx for your advice, I am actually thinking of doing that, but I am too afraid he will deny and tell me that he was never flirting with me :/…

  19. Brent says:

    Hi Ronnie,

    I posted a message about a woman who flirted with me a lot before. This woman did everything she could to get my attention. I managed to find her on Facebook.

    I sent her a friend request and a message. I told her I thought she was attractive and I would like meet her and talk to her. I received no reply. After a couple of weeks I tried to send her another message only to find out she is blocking messages from me.

    I had to do this to get conclusion. I didn’t know if she was just playing head games with me or not, although it didn’t start out that way. As far as I’m concerned, I’m finished with her.

  20. Ronnie says:

    Hi Brent – that’s a shame but it does happen, lots of people flirt simply because its fun. Flirting doesn’t necessarily mean anything. But at least you know now and are not left wondering.

  21. Brent says:

    Hi Ronnie,

    I don’t find flirting any fun. It sometimes leads to a lot of hard feelings.

  22. Diane says:

    I agree with Brent…It’s sad but it is true… I just realized that i really like the guy that keeps flirting with me and I am dying to know how he feels about me…:(

  23. Ronnie says:

    Hi Diane, remember this is actually simple – if he flirts, but doesn’t ask you out, he’s just having fun. So likely the guy you are talking about does not enough feeling to take it too the next level.

    When you don’t read into the flirting but just have fun with it, you can keep things in perspective. When you start to have expectations, stop flirting with the guy!

  24. Brent says:

    Hi Diane,

    Tell your friend that you will go out with her brother if he asks you. If he doesn’t, find someone else to be your boyfriend.

  25. jaded says:

    Hmm, I’ve got a similar situation going on too.

    A few weeks ago my office moved into a new building. I noticed someone who works in the building checking me out. He was attractive and not my type. He introed himself. I run into him a few times a week. But rarely have time for more than a smile and a wave.

    He’s been flirting for sure. If he sees me in the lobby, I have his full attention, whether I am interacting with him or not.

    I’ve stopped to chat with him a bit, and all of the typical signs are there. He shares personal stuff, going so far to drop hints about his address. I have shared a few details, but not so personal.

    Initially I wasn’t interested, now that I have talked to him more, I am intrigued. But to date, I haven’t really flirted with him. My signals are likely being read as “friendly” not flirty.

    So before writing him off, should I offer up one completely obvious flirty conversation?

  26. Ronnie says:

    Hi Jaded,
    Flirting is for fun. It’s best without more of an agenda that showing you are a fun, receptive, approachable woman. So flirt by all means, just know that it might not get him to ask you out. The point of flirting is to make it easy for men to talk to you and ask you out. If you flirt often and its fun and you just want to enjoy that – feel free. If you flirt and he doesn’t ask you out, then move on to greener pastures. And remember, when you flirt with one man and show that you are friendly, then other men could decide to approach you – this is how flirting works best.

  27. Amanda says:

    Hey Ronnie, I’ m in an odd situation. I’ve known this guy from my church for a very long time (we both grew up in the church). We didn’t use to get along at all, but we are older now. Over the past few weeks he had been obviously flirting with me, and my brother says he like me, but he hasn’t asked me out. Does this mean I should just let it go?

  28. Ronnie says:

    Hi Amanda, feel free to flirt with him if you like. Just know that it won’t necessarily lead to anything. You can still engage with him but at the same time, I recommend looking for others to date. If this man asks you out – great! If not, you are taking steps to find the love you want.

  29. Theresa says:

    Hi, I started flirting at a casino by telling this guy if I can’t win, at least he could do is walk around so I could check him out. He hugged me, said I made his night, and kept coming back for hugs. This has continued for a month. He is shy but hot. Yet he sent me 3 photos, one of which shows his naked butt. Going on 2 months, I had a card made up asking him over for dinner. He wrote that he just started dating but wanted to stay friends. I called him out since I had just seen him 2 days before and he hadn’t been dating. He says he doesn’t read my emails, so I have stopped. He hasn’t asked me out so I have decided to just avoid him and not send emails. It’s his turn now since I have made it clear I’m honest and won’t play games. I can only hope he gets off his ass and asks me out. If not then it’s his loss.

  30. Confused says:

    There is this guy that I have been hanging out with for the past 5 weeks or so. He texts me every day and we hang out a lot. We are university aged so we study together. He invites me to things he does with his buddies. When we are together, we always flirt and there is a lot of physical contact. He has shared a lot of stories with me…personal things/opinions. I know he is interested in me in more than a friend way and he probably knows I am interested but is not asking me out. Is he just scared or is it something else? What is wrong with this guy?

  31. Ronnie says:

    Theresa,
    Congratulations on drawing the line with Mr. Butt Photo. Clearly he enjoys flirting with you and you have been good for his ego. However, for whatever reason, he is not going to ask you out. There’s is absolutely no point in continuing communication. If you see him at the casino, you can be cordial, but don’t waste your time on this guy another minute! You deserve to have a man who wants to be with you and therefore pursues you. So moving on is great news! xoxo Ronnie

  32. Grace says:

    Hi,

    3 years ago I joined this company. A male colleague started flirting with me soon after. I really like him a lot. At first i thought he felt the same way and I was so happily flirting with him (sms,emails,etc).
    I did confess my feelings to him and he said he knows it too. But he never ask me out for a date. All he did was ask me to meet up for hugs, kisses and intimacy. I even gave him my first time.
    He always ask for naked photo shot from me. At first I hesitated, but after that I gave in….
    But he told me he is not ready to have a girlfriend and prefers leading a single life.
    He even told me that he likes me but not the girlfriend type of like.

    After that when my best friend joined the company. He became stranger and ignored me for few months. I was confused. He even block me from messenger. I found out he actually went out with my best friend and I felt so hurt. But I never mentioned about his relationship to my best friend.

    After some time he started flirting again, which was confusing. Then I found out my best friend rejected him – I guess that is why he started with me again.

    I know I’m not suppose to attend to him anymore. But his sweet talks and flirtations…I gave in again. He started texting me very often again and ask for more photos again. I confronted him about my friend, he admitted that he likes her & wanted her as girlfriend and pursued her. Now I’m still in an underground relationship with him. We never go out for a date or for dinner. He only requests meeting up for s.e.x.
    What should i do? Deep down i know he’s just using me. but i couldn’t help it. I tried to ignore him & i became so miserable during that time and I gave in again.

    I’m so worried…i do not know how to pull myself out from this kind of relationship.
    please help me to not love him…

  33. zeke says:

    Ronnie,
    Thanks for your article –I need some help here. I am a man who has responded to the flirting of a female employee at a place I frequent as a customer. We have been flirting for a while now but my hesitation is three fold, One, she does not respond to any e-mails that I send her. 2 She is very flirtatious by nature and is very friendly with men as she gets tips from them. 3 She brings up a boyfriend from out of town often –in the middle of flirting. She is physically very beautiful–and recently divorced with a small boy.All that being said, there is no doubt that she is trying hard to flirt with and impress me– she brings up sex a lot and she always talks about things that show her value and status. I would have asked her out a long time ago if it were not for the boyfriend thing i just found that to be such a shock and turnoff that it stopped me from progressing. I really have attraction for her and like her as a a person as well but I am stuck. help
    zeke

  34. Ronnie says:

    Zeke – I’m not sure what you need help with. You’ve been turned off by her mentioning a boyfriend. She’s clearly not available. She flirts because its fun and it makes her feel good. Flirting doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Move on and look for a women who is available and interested in you, not just a flirt.

  35. zeke says:

    Ronnie,
    I have been turned off somewhat by her mentioning of a boyfriend but I am also very attracted. I guess I should have been more clear. Will a woman, (especially an exceptionally beautiful woman who has men orbiting at all times) bring up a boyfriend who she may not be serious about to move the man forward through competition! She never mentioned the guy at all the first three times we flirted! Or is that wishful thinking on my part?

  36. F says:

    I haven’t read all the replies above but I am experiencing the same thing at the moment.

    We flirt around during class (but never outside class)
    I told her i like her.
    I never asked her out.
    I don’t know if she’s in a relationship
    I don’t know if she likes me or just having fun flirting

    Guess I’m waiting for her to do something about it, lol
    “4. Let him know you’re actually serious, not just flirting around”

  37. Ronnie says:

    Hi Zeke, Wishful thinking – yes. She is most likely using his presence to discourage you which I am also trying to do. How attracted you are is not always relevant. She’s not interested. And worse, she’s like playing with fire, not in a good way. That’s why I recommended moving on.

  38. zeke says:

    Thank you Ronnie— a friend of mine who is much more savvy than I am when it comes to these matters– Thinks very differently. He thinks she is bringing up the boyfriend as a means of absolving her responsibility if we were to get together he called it her(Anti slut defense) His take–”she is open to a sexual(she always turns the talk sexual) relationship–with perks if you push it”– but do not expect much beyond that. I think he may have a point there– as her body language does indicate heavy attraction– (she turns very red in her chest and throat area as we talk and very glowing dilated eyes) things that cannot be faked!But I think you are MORE right–she likes playing with fire and as alluring as she is the end result of starting something here will not be healthy!! as difficult as it is == I am going to cool it!
    thank you Ronnie–Zeke

  39. Ronnie says:

    Zeke – good for you for seeing the truth and being willing to move on. Whether or not our friend is correct – who needs that kind of trouble! There are so many great women out there – go find a good one!

  40. Grace says:

    Hi Ronnie,

    3 years ago I joined this company. A male colleague started flirting with me soon after. I really like him a lot. At first i thought he felt the same way and I was so happily flirting with him (sms,emails,etc).
    I did confess my feelings to him and he said he knows it too. But he never ask me out for a date. All he did was ask me to meet up for hugs, kisses and intimacy. I even gave him my first time.
    He always ask for naked photo shot from me. At first I hesitated, but after that I gave in….
    But he told me he is not ready to have a girlfriend and prefers leading a single life.
    He even told me that he likes me but not the girlfriend type of like.After that when my best friend joined the company. He became stranger and ignored me for few months. I was confused. He even block me from messenger. I found out he actually went out with my best friend and I felt so hurt. But I never mentioned about his relationship to my best friend.After some time he started flirting again, which was confusing. Then I found out my best friend rejected him – I guess that is why he started with me again.I know I’m not suppose to attend to him anymore. But his sweet talks and flirtations…I gave in again. He started texting me very often again and ask for more photos again. I confronted him about my friend, he admitted that he likes her & wanted her as girlfriend and pursued her. Now I’m still in an underground relationship with him. We never go out for a date or for dinner. He only requests meeting up for s.e.x.
    What should i do? Deep down i know he’s just using me. but i couldn’t help it. I tried to ignore him & i became so miserable during that time and I gave in again.I’m so worried…i do not know how to pull myself out from this kind of relationship.
    please help me to not love him…

  41. Denise says:

    Its sort of by chance that I found this website, such great advice! Coincidence that my situation (going on for two months) is once a week at church or when I see him at cultural events (parties, weddings,etc). At church today he sort of squeezed my hand when we said hi to each other, as I was passing I figured he stop me to finally ask for my number. Even as I was at an event today, he and his brother were seated right near my table and he only talked to me as he saw that I was about to leave! But he still didnt ask for my number Ugh! I dont understand why he’s flirty (long hugs when he sees me etc) Should I just ignore him completely at church or what? I’m so tired of emotionally unavailable men.

  42. Cindy says:

    So met this man in his office 5 years ago. He flirted and gave out his office #. I did not follow up right away as he did not provide his cell #, but somehow I feel deep connection with him. About 8 months later when he brushes off my shoulder on the street and act interested, I added him of facebook which he did not accept( due to work reason). Then it happens that I got a part time job in the bulding where he works and everytime he saw me for 3 mnths he would stare at me for long time. So I ended up going to his office to see if he was really interested, but he treated me condisendingly. Then well i spoke to him about it and he said he did not mean it. Then he disappeared. But since late 2009, i feel like he has access to my facebook and email account and knows wht i m upto. a couple times I caught him following me in his car but he would never honk or make it obvious. When i saw in his car, he was looking away and i did not walk up to him. But my gut feelings tell me he follows me often. Anyway I feel connected with this man and wonder why he has never asked me out if he is doing all that for all these year?

  43. Ronnie says:

    Hi Cindy, this has been going on for 5 years? Honestly, I don’t want to seem mean-spirited but first, doesn’t the fact that he’s following your creep you out? I’m a little worried for you. Stay away from him! If he wanted to ask you out, he would have done so years ago. men don’t take 5 years to ask you but but follow you in his car. There is something very wrong with this story. Please be careful and look for love elsewhere. He IS NOT your Mr. Right.

  44. Ronnie says:

    Denise – if you are tired of emotionally unavailable men, stop bothering with them! Let this guy go. You don’t have to be mean, just stay clear of him. Even a shy man knows how to ask a woman out. You seem to have given him enough positive feedback. This stuff happens all the time in church – who knows why. Move on to find men that actually will ask you out and want to spend time with you. Don’t waste another minute on this one.

  45. Ronnie says:

    Either he is young and unsure or just unsure of what he wants. My advice is to make yourself a bit scarce so he has to work to see you. Then he’ll have to ask you out since you won’t be hanging out with him. And if he doesn’t step up to the plate to do this – you know he’s not the right man and not interested enough. Avoid the friends with benefits situation that could be his true interest. Not sure – just a hunch.

  46. Ronnie says:

    Jeremy – you are the man! It is your job to make the first move. Take risk and ask her out or stay stuck in the friend spot not knowing. You can always say, “Hey are you seeing anyone right now? NO? Good then how about we have dinner Friday?” It’s really that simple. It’s not the woman’s job to do something – just ask her and be willing to risk possible rejection. It’s the only way and it does get easier.

  47. Denise says:

    Thanks Ronnie! and he’s 31 im in my 20s. lol so he is probably unsure like you said.I will try avoiding him around events and church etc

    -Denise

  48. Kari says:

    Work with a man for past 5 yrs but not in same department so haven’t had but a few words with him up until recently when we both commented on a mutal friend’s posting on facebook. Then he privately messaged me asking me if I was single, and then said he has dinner parties a few times a year and would invite me to the next one. Next thing I know he is talking to me a little more at work, smiling, so I invited him to join me and some co-workers after work to a movie. He declined because his dad was in town. A few weeks passed, asked him again, and he couldn’t. Then he told me in an email that it would be awkward to attend the movie invites as he recently started seeing someone. So I stopped asking. Then a mutal friend had a bday party at a club, and he was buying me drinks, standing by me all night, complimented me, danced with me, and told me I was a lot of fun to be around, and that I would be fun to go on a cruise with….what???? I thought he turned me down? Now this? So much so, another male co-worker asked my best friend if he and I were dating…so obviously the body chemistry/language was showing something or he wouldn’t have inquired right? So what am I missing? I don’t want to be the person initiating but should I? Is he playing games with me, or what is he doing?

  49. Ronnie says:

    Hi Kari,

    The point of this post is to understand that flirting means nothing. So what this guy says to you means nothing. All of the examples people have written in here are almost the same exact story!

    When a man confuses you like this, walk away. Who needs it? From the little you have told me, he is a dreamer who likes to paint visions of the future without taking any action to make it a reality. Go on a cruise with you – what about a date?

    My advice as a dating coach for women is to steer clear of this guy romantically. Seek a man who will ask you out, treat you well and want a relationship. This guy is nothing but trouble.

  50. Kimberly says:

    Hi Ronnie, I’ve been having a flirtatious/sexual involvement with someone for 24 years. I’m 44 and he’s 41. We’ve never been single at the same time until 2 months ago and now it has got very unnatural, (sometimes he’ll flirt and sometimes he won’t but still stays over and spends nights in my bed!) and we’ve just fallen out over something pathetic. He encouraged me by always reciprocating my flirty behaviour and often initiating them himself, but he’s just recently said, he thinks i’m ‘in for the kill’ and he’s uncomfortable. I believe, for all those years he hid behind 2 relationships and now he’s single, he hasn’t got any reason why it can’t develop into something more, but I suppose, if, after 24 years of this guy being in my head and my heart, which has prevented me from connecting fully to anyone else, maybe it’s about time I let him go. All I’ve thought about was him for all this time and have ended relationships when he’s ‘come back on the scene’.

  51. Gary says:

    I am a man, 41 years old, I’ve been married, been in relationships, short and long and have the pleasure of dating many women. From my point of view, if a woman likes you, she will make it easy for you to get to know here. She will flirt, find ways to be close to you, compliment you, ask you for advise or to help her out.

    There are no mixed signals. None.

    If you are confused by someone’s flirting and it doesn’t feel like the energy and vibe between you isn’t moving forward sexually. Make a move or exit.

    In my experience, there are those who flirt for the sake of flirting, sometimes for attention but mostly for validation. Then there are those that are genuinely interested in you.

    There was one woman who I was with for more than a year, who could walk into a room and gain the attention of every man in the that room, with a glance and a smile.

    Flirting is fun. Do not over analyze it. Your own mind will misread and misinterpret the message and the real message – particular with women – is in their actions.

    If they act interested. You ask them out. It’s the man’s job to ask. It’s the woman’s job to get his attention.

    It isn’t any more complicated than that but it is amazing how people will turn a simple message into their own Da Vinci Code.

    I enjoyed reading your article Ronnie. It was very good and very informative.

  52. Amelie says:

    Hi Ronnie,

    Thanks for your article, it’s quite useful for my current situation. In my case, it’s a very shy colleague who becomes nervous every time when he talks with me.

    We are not in the same office and our works are not in fact relevant, but he keeps passing to my office to have some chat with me the morning when he arrives or he sees me arriving, and also in the evening when he leaves. He often seems to be a little over concerned for my problem, when I didn’t understand a problem, he had been looking for solution for me for two whole days then explained it to me, when I said I would travel, he would look the weather forecast of the place. Even though we see each other and have lunch together every day, he still sends me a mail or some message after work. Then last week when it was my birthday, he sent me a box of expensive chocolates.

    All those seem to be sort of some signal, but he just never asks me out, for two months, or even “flirts” with me, which makes me extremely confused to doubt his intensions.

    After reading your article and the comments above, I think that it’s just keeping me from my mission.

  53. Jessica says:

    I get the bus to and from nursery, as it is a mile away from my house. Me and the bus driver flirt alot, and we always pick on each other too. I think im starting to fancy him, but im not sure how he feels. He never flirts with anyone else but me, and yesterday when i was getting off the bus, he asked me if i was on tomorrow, and i said no as my eldest has broken up now for christmas, but he never asked anyone else if they was on tomorrow. Im so confused :( I swear i have caught him looking at me when he thinks im not looking, but i cant be sure … I really have no idea what to do :( x x

  54. susan says:

    Hi Ronnie,

    I just stumbled upon this post and I have to say thank you for writing this. I have a similar situation: I met and fell for someone at work who is much younger than me. We had some chemistry and it was clear that he was attracted as well.

    He exhibited all of the signs that men do of interest but never asked me out. At first I thought it was due to our age difference (17 years, though not obvious) or the fact that we worked together, or the fact that I am separated. Yes, yes, I know 3 major strikes against us but I still continued to carry a torch for him. And he still seemed interested but no action. Then I quit left the job (not because of this) but thought that would alleviate some of the pressure and hoped that he would pursue me. Since then (it’s been a couple of months) he’s emailed a handful of times but very brief and still no date. I am beyond frustrated!! Intellectually I know that he is “just not that into me” but I am having a really difficult time letting go.

    Please do a follow up on how to get over a situation like this. I am in so much pain, even though I am making moves to date other men (and others have shown interest in me but still no dates pending!) I can’t get over this boy.

    Any advice is greatly appreciated!

  55. Ronnie says:

    Hi Susan,
    Letting go is tough – I know that is true. But see if this helps. Mr. Young & Flirty never asked you out. Therefore, he is automatically not the right man for you. Case closed. Period! So why are you pining away for the wrong man? This is nothing but a bad habit. You can decide right now to free yourself from this bad habit by simply waking up in the moment of day dreaming about him and asking yourself “Is this really productive for my love life? Of course not! So shift your thinking in that moment of awakening to something that will help you find the love you deserve. Think about the men you could meet, make an action plan to meet new men, remind yourself you are a great catch, try some positive self talk to shift your attention to something better.

    Any of these techniques absolutely will help you get over this boy as you call him. It’s totally up to you! Choose one or do them all – the more the better to move on. There are other better men awaiting you and soon as you can free yourself up from this erroneous fantasy and start meeting new men again.

  56. Ronnie says:

    Hi Jessica,

    I’m not a big fan of asking men out. So there are two ways you could go. 1) You could say something like – “would you like to get a cup of tea sometime and talk?” This is dicey since you don’t know how he’ll react but it will clear things up. If he acts – he might be interested. If he does nothing – he’s just flirting.

    On the other hand, wouldn’t it be better if a man just asked you out and didn’t leave you hanging? A man who does that is probably not the right man. The right man will 99.9% of the time ask you out and take steps to get to know you. It is very rare that he waits for you to make the first move. If you think you are the rare situation, I’m going to say – probably not. He most likely just enjoys the flirting. So stop feeling confused and know he’s not the one. Then start flirting with some new guys!

  57. Maggie says:

    Hi Ronnie thank u for the post it was very helpful but I still have this doubt I see this guy at church and he has been trying to get my attention for a while and now that he has my attention he flirts with me and tries to bump into me he has even tried to talk to me but when he sees me coming closer he looks like he gets nervous I would like to get to know him as a friend but I don’t know how to approach him or if it would be the right thing to do?

  58. Ronnie says:

    Maggie, My best dating advice is to simply be friendly and talk to the guy. If he is open to that and it goes well, maybe he’ll take it to the next step. If not, you’ll know soon enough. When a man doesn’t ask you out – that says it all. Nothing happening is an answer – it means not enough interest and maybe what’s happening right now. But since its hard to tell, you have nothing to lose by being friendly. There is a big difference between being friendly and pursuing a man.

  59. Ronnie says:

    Thanks Gary! The confusion for women comes in when a man flirts with her and doesn’t take any action. But I agree with you – if he doesn’t ask her out, move on!

  60. Caryn says:

    Oh my goodness! Thank you for writing this article!!! I just happened to stumble upon it.
    This guy and I are involved in a ministry together. We have been ‘friends’ for 6 months now. The first couple of months he barely said hi. Then he seemed to begin to pursue me by texting me everyday and after 4 months we text everyday to every other day and same with phone calls. We spend time with each other over the weekend. He asks me over. Cooks for me. But no actual ‘asking out.’ He eyes me. Sits next to me at church. Touches my back. We hug. There was a point where I never hugged him bec I was attracted to him. But then one night he said that he is missing out on all these hugs that I give to everyone but him. So we started hugging. He’s been over my house. I’ve fixed him dinner. He has helped fix things in my house. I just don’t get him. I even tried to ignore him for a few days by not responding quickly to text messages and have him go to voicemail. Well this made him want to spend more time with me by asking me over to his house. We don’t cuddle. Don’t hold hands. And no kissing. And definitely no sex. He eye’s me. I mean I feel and think that all the signals are there that he ‘likes’ me but there is no actual ‘date.’
    I feel dumb for being toyed with. From your article, I guess it’s obvious that he’s not Mr. Right. :-( Hard to pull away.

  61. Brent says:

    Hi Ronnie,

    I agree with you. Being friendly and talking to the guy is the best idea. It has worked on me in the past. Flirting never has. Being friendly makes you look better than putting makeup on. It’s hard not to want to spend more time with someone who is friendly.

    Recently, I had a short friendly conversation with a woman. I knew she was a happily married woman so I had no interest to ask her out. I made sure I didn’t flirt with her. A week later I turned around to see her standing behind me. I made momentary eye contact with her. She look very frightened. She shook her head back and forth. I heard her saying Nooooooo! under her breath. Later I saw her looking at me affectionately out of the corner of my eye.

    Not a good example but it shows the power of being friendly. Being friendly is something that people seem to have forgotten how to be. It’s the best way to make and keep a friend.

  62. Ronnie says:

    Brent – I think you have the wrong idea about what flirting is – flirting is a creative, spontaneous, playful way to interact with people. I’m not talking about the sexual type of flirting but the friendly type. So flirting, done right is perfect as you have pointed out with your comment. And PS – most men, the vast majority prefer makeup – its great that you don’t, but let’s not mislead the readers here as you probably don’t speak for all men.

  63. Kitara says:

    Hi Ronnie,

    Thank you so much…your advice on this webpage helped me so much. Yeah, I’ve been going through the same thing. A guy I knew from two years ago suddenly started giving me a lot of attention and started flirting with me 3 months ago. However, he would tell me that he’s just doing it to “pass time” and to “divert me from my busy schedule.” I’m a grad student.
    I think the fault is mine. I just ignored all of these statements, started ascribing my own meaning to his flirtations and started taking everything seriously. In the middle of all this he came to know that I was 5 years older than him. And then, for a time his behavior changed. He stopped being the flirty guy he had been all along. I was so deeply hurt about how judgmental he was being about a number.

    Anyway, both of us couldn’t keep off messaging each other…he lives in a state 15 hrs away from me. He never called me on my phone or spoke to me, it’s always been chat messages. The chatting continued. Then, later on, his behavior changed again and he started getting flirty again. But, he’s made it quite clear that he’ll be marrying someone of his family’s choice (he’s Indian). And I know that this is going no where, that he’s been playing me all along. He’s been getting his “feminine fix” from me as you mentioned and that I’ve been too easy.

    But it was hard to stop. I’ve started taking the first steps though…been keeping away from the only way he can reach me…chat messaging. And, reminding myself that I don’t want to be someone’s plaything. And you’re right, if I keep my heart occupied with this jerk, I’m not giving myself the option to appreciate other guys who might genuinely care about me.

  64. Ronnie says:

    Good for you Kitara – take whatever steps you need to stay away from him. The longer you stay clear, the better your chances of freeing yourself up. You deserve more than some guy who chats with you – you deserve the real thing! Don’t settle for anything less.

  65. Ronnie says:

    Hi Caryn,
    Your guy might not be playing with you. Another alternative is that he’s just not capable of more. That’s not a good sign if you want a romantic relationship with him either. However, it doesn’t automatically mean he is playing with you. So my advice would still be the same- to move on and not waste time on him except for friendship. Expecting more will end up in disappointment.

  66. Rachel says:

    I am in a similar situation as above. But there is a lot of differences. I work with this particular guy, and we flirt at work all the time. I told him 4 months ago when I met him I was in a relationship. He ended up knowing the guy I was with. Then I broke up with him and moved out. I made it KNOWN to him that we weren’t together anymore. I wasn’t happy in my relationship , and I had come to really like this guy at work. So he ended up giving me his number, which was a clear indication that he was into me too,right? So we text all the time, everyday. But just last weekend I invited him out and he said he was broke and couldn’t come. Then I find out from a friend he was with he said that he didn’t want to intrude because I was out with a friend. Then while texting him, he’s always making flirty comments to me like we need to get together and everything… But then I ask him again when can we get together and he said he will…it’s just not the right time right now. What does all of this mean?? Does he think he’s just a rebound because I just got out of a relationship,, or what? He’s also in college but he has time for his friends on the weekends.

  67. Ronnie says:

    Hi Rachel, I know this is confusing and difficult. So, I realize this might be hard to hear, but take this man at his word. If the timing were right – he might pursue you – but not right now for sure. Sometimes the flirtation is more fun for a person than moving to the next step. It’s time to move on and find a man open to relationship- but my request to you as a dating coach is – let the man do the work of pursuing. Let him call and ask you out. That’s the only way to know if a man is truly interested.

  68. shelly says:

    Hi Ronnie,

    Your post is so so important and helpful. I wish i had read it 2 months ago, then i wouldn’t been so sad now.

    Sometimes, what confuses me is that how we define a gesture as “flirt”. I come from Asia and live in North America now. In my country, we don’t have “flirt” culture, we hate all guys liking flirting. I asked a good friend here if a guy touches a woman on hairs, on arm, on waist, or if he kisses her on the cheek, hug her….it’s normal or it says something. The response of my friend is: it depends on the situation. But generally speaking, it’s normal. Then I asked him “so all these gestures say nothing, only in the case that he kisses her on the lips or they have sex.” To your opinion, can we call this flirtation or it’s just for showing “we are just trying to be nice”. You know on facebook, there are 2 pages, one is named: just because we are flirting but doesn’t mean we are interested; another page named: just because we are trying to be nice, but we are not flirting.

    Maybe what we (me and my friend) said was the extreme situation. But it’s true that his response gave me a direction how to react a guy, whom I’ve been knew 7months, treating me with different way. I told myself “it’s normal, it doesnt mean anything. it’s just friendly gesture”. Although the feelings for him already generated in my heart, I tried to control my feelings. Until one day, he kissed me on my lips, I thought he liked me too. 1 week later, we slept together. Then, he told me that he didn’t have the same feelings for me as that I had for him. I was truly sad, but I told myself it was ok. A few days later, he kissed me again. And later at the party of a friend, when we talked, he kissed me again. In one month, he approached me, then distanced from me, then approached again, then distanced again. I really like him, even though I was conscious that there was no future between us; but I dreamed. So we still slept together a few times in this period. Sometimes the atmosphere was strained, he complained that i gave him too much pressure to confirm a relationship. Until last week, he told me that he liked being single. But now, I already completely fall in love with him. He said like he was inculpable. He said he did nothing. I totally realized that he really never never had the feelings with me. All is just flirtation. I asked him if he would like to go out with me after the first time we slept together, he replied he didnt know, “we dont know each other”. His excuse is always same: I’m not ready in a new relationship. I dont want to hurt you. It makes him look like a really nice guy. But I’m aware that the real reason is that he is not into me, he just likes flirting. I’m in the situation 2 in your writing. So sad that I saw your post too late, otherwise I would stop my dream earlier.

    I have a friend having a similar situation. A guy texts her for 5 months. Her feelings for him are going up day and day. But he never asked her out. Today I showed her this post, she realized: Ok, I am in the situation 1 that why he doesn’t ask me out. It’s good for her to stop thinking of him now.

  69. Ronnie says:

    Hi Shelly,
    The main point for you to understand is that flirting means nothing. Neither do kissing or touching or sex. What helps you know a man’s intentions is that he consistently contacts you, asks you on dates, and takes you one dates. That means his actions show you he is interested. Unfortunately that still doesn’t mean he will love you. Its not that easy but its a good start.

    Also, when a man tells you he is not ready for a relationship – BELIEVE HIM! When a man pulls away then comes back for more – say NO! He is taking advantage of you. It is not a sign he really likes you – its a sign that he is inconsistent, doesn’t know what he wants or just likes sleeping with you. You can read this post to get a better understanding. http://www.nevertoolate.biz/2013/02/13/understand-men-believe-him/

    When a man texts for 5 months, that is not love – that is not a relationship, that is nonsense. A virtual relationship is not real. He is never likely to go further so gently tell your friend to move on.

    Wishing you love,
    Ronnie

  70. Jenni says:

    Hi Ronnie

    I’m so glad I found your post! Well, maybe a bit disappointed as well… because it’s 99% sure that I’m in such a situation.

    There’s this guy. We see each other once every week at the football matches of our favourite team. Anyways, there are quite many fans, and the first time I recognized was totally unusual for me. He was talking to his friends, and out of nowhere I addressed him concerning the topic they were talking about. He was surprised, smiled at me and talked back. Later he smiled and looked at me couple of times. This whole thing alone confuses me. I had never before addressed a guy like that, while he was talking to someone else. But somehow it went well.

    Week after week, we continued flirting. I wrote him a couple of times on Facebook, and it went really well, we wrote about a lot. He even came to me couple of times after a match in the pub. I feel that there’s something between us!

    But he never wrote me, I always did. And he didn’t always reply. That made me angry, so two weeks ago I didn’t flirt, but looked straight at him. He then wrote me on Facebook why I was upset, and that he’s sorry he didn’t write back.

    Last week we continued to look at each other again at the match, all the time! I enjoy flirting with him, but I could so well see myself in a relationship with him. But as you wrote, this probably will never happen… I’m also unsure, maybe I didn’t show him enough I’m interested? Should I try to talk to him as well at a match?

    My conclusion: It’s either playful flirting, he’s keeping me as an “option”, he’s too shy or he doesn’t get I’m really interested. It’s so hard to know what is the case, and I don’t want to ruin it… I keep on telling myself he might be interested. I’m still hoping he will eventually ask me out. Or take more initiative. Or should I? I just don’t want to ruin what we “have”.

  71. Ronnie says:

    Hi Jenni, What you have here with your football friend is a flirty friendship. You have made it very clear that you are interested. Since he has made no move you can assume he’s not going to. Perhaps he is seeing someone…Does he enjoy flirting with you? Yes. Does it mean anything deeper? No.

    Please understand the advice in the article above is one size fits all and applies to every question asked by every woman on this page. I know this feels sad, but my honesty here will hopefully get you to move on to find a man for a full relationship.

  72. Jenni says:

    Hi Ronnie, thank you for your quick answer!
    I guess you’re right, it’s just hard to realise. But it obviously is nothing more for him than flirting.
    The hard thing for me will now be to open up for other guys.
    I will try my best.
    Thank you again!!

  73. Liza says:

    Hi Lisa

    I agree with what you said. I unconsciously flirt well thats what my mom says. I don’t realise i do it until i get a response. I was an idiot and ignored all the signs because I believed this guy would eventually open up but after two years I haven’t met any of his family, friends. I don’t even know what type of work he does or where he works. I told him last month that I can’t take it anymore and that he has two options – ask me out or get out of my life. he chose the latter and i haven’t seen him since last month. i was sad at first but i’m doing much better. i’m happier and less stressed now that he out. i blocked his number from my social networking accounts. now i spend more time with my family and friends because he is out of my life and looking back i can’t believe i wasted two years on a man who was never interested in dating me. Looking back i know i will be happy again so like i said yes enjoying life

  74. Ronnie says:

    Hi Liza – thanks for your post. I am so proud of you for giving that man an ultimatum – after two years of stringing you along – you are free! And enjoying your life again.

    Now, please promise yourself that you will never put up with a man who emails, texts or calls but doesn’t ask you out again! If you don’t date a guy within two weeks of contact, say bye bye. There are some extenuating situations, but the good ones are very rare. usually it’s just excuses for a man who is already involved or incapable of getting emotionally involved.

  75. Anna says:

    Hi Ronnie,

    This is a great website. I have been in a strange situations for 8 months with this guy at work that flirts with me. We are in different buildings and see each other every day at the train station and we have been few times in meetings together. He flirts with me but never talk to me in the meetings. Not even smile at me. We spoke only twice at the train station but in the train he never sits near me. Sometime he stays right behind me so close i can hear him breathing and he say nothing not even “hi”. So my conclusion is he is married or has a gierlfriend. Ha been almost 2 months I stopped looking at him and ignore him. He is more persistent now but he use only body language and not a single word. He is getting in to my nerves. Now I feel ofended. Usually I am a nice person but if he started this not pleasant game i have to finish it.

  76. Ronnie says:

    Anna, just ignore him. Since he’s not really doing anything what can you say? I guess when he gets to close, you can ask him for some personal space, but the best thing you can do is pretend he doesn’t exist.

  77. Sam says:

    Hey Ronnie!
    Thank you so, so much for that article! Everything was going alright until recently something seems to have changed for that guy. He’s always been flirting with me (he is my orchestra director) in front of everybody. I know he is in a relationship so totally out of bounds and I’ve always respected that and tried to just take the flirting as a compliment. But a couple of weeks ago he started to change his style of clothing to definitely sexier stuff. He’s showing off. He looks at me even more, he smiles at me even more and he talks to me in breaks, which he has never really done before. He even texted me. I don’t really know if anything has changed in his relationship, but as far as I have heard everything is going well. Maybe he’s just happy with his life right now and even more outgoing because of that. But it is really confusing the heck out of me. It’s always been fun flirting with him (and for the most part it really was just kind of a game), but yeah… pretty confused now. Another thing I wanted to say is that his flirting with me has really triggered other guys from that social group to show some interest in me too. So it has done me some good besides being flattering. :)

  78. Ronnie says:

    Sam,
    I am going to get right to the point with your question, but please know I don’t mean to seem harsh with you.

    You know this guy is not available. So dressing sexy or flirting with you in front of others is irrelevant. Unless you plan on being a “home-wrecker” to break up his current relationship, I’d advise you to not put any stock in this turning into something good.

    If you enjoy flirting and can keep yourself from feeling attached to him or falling for him – go ahead. I’m glad it’s help your self-confidence. Use that to find a man who is available and wants to date you, rather than someone who might cheat on his girlfriend. Once a cheater, often a cheater. If he leaves his girlfriend for you, he’ll probbaly leave you for the next woman. Sad but very true.

  79. Jon says:

    Why do women get so offended when guys don’t ask them out? Some guys are just friendly and women think they are flirting. You ladies need to get used to rejection. It’s not so bad; men deal with it all the time.

    And no, just because he’s not attracted to you does not mean he’s got some major flaw, or he’s scared of commitment, or he’s scared of women. Have you ever considered the fact that not every woman is attractive to every man? Just like some men aren’t attractive to you. It works both ways.

  80. Annie says:

    Hi ronnie
    I need an opinión on my situation
    Okay so this guy that world at The market thats about 3 Minutes away from my house And that i go about 4 times a week has caught my eye And i Believe The feeling is mutual. When i go buy something hes there And notices me right away, i always purposely go when hes there which is after 5 pm, And hes noticed. Hes always asking me to go back so he can see me, he always smiles at me And makes conversation sometimes i do feel he gets nervous talking to me but then again so do i, one time i was just standing there And he was like “wow, beautiful”. He knows where i live so yesterday right after he got out of work he drove by my house i guess to say hi. This has Been going on for about 2-3 weeks. But he hasnt asked me out not even for my number. Would You think its too soon for anything to happen? Should i just give up Now or wait a little longer? Im really into him not only because of his looks but mostly because of how nice he is And i just feel a really nice energy between us. I dont Wanna Get my hopes up And then just be all depressed cus it all went to waste! Any advice? Thanks!

  81. Ronnie says:

    Hi Annie,
    My advice is the same as in the post. Flirting is fun but doesn’t mean anything. Who knows why he hasn’t asked you out. Perhaps he is taken. Or not really available. There isn’t anything you can do to speed things up. So you are smart to not get your hopes up. Look for another man who knows the steps to take to date a woman AND follows them. This guy is dawdling and I don’t know why.

  82. Annie says:

    Thanks ronnie Ill just move on maybe Ill find someone else thats a little more serious!
    -Annie

  83. Anonymous says:

    This happened to me once. There was a guy who used to work at my job, but in another department. It was a small hospital, so everyone kind of saw each other from time to time. Everytime he saw me, he’d try and strike up a conversation with me. At first I thought it was because he was such a friendly guy. It seemed that he was like that with almost everyone. But when his eyes began to do the talking, and our conversations went from, ‘hi, how are you today?’, to him making playful jokes, and teasing me… I thought for sure he might’ve been interested. Sometimes he disappeared for a while, and then he’d be back flirting again. I began to crush on him really bad. But in the meantime heard through other coworkers that he was a huge flirt with a lot of girls. One of them even told me he asked her out, but she wasn’t looking for a relationship at the time. After that I didn’t really take his flirting that seriously anymore. Sure, I still got butterflies whenever i’d see him, but apparently I was reading too much into the it. I was like every other young girl in the building. The guy was just a friendly flirt.

    I remember one day in particular, that I swore at the time he was going to make a move. He saw me out of context in the parking lot, i was in my regular clothing with my hair down, and walking into the building. At the time, he definitely seemed like he was checking me out. He spoke to me a few days later about how he almost didn’t recognize me when he saw me that day. I felt like he was about to, but something was holding him back.

    Not sure what his reasons were for not pursuing me. Although, there was a significant age difference, and we were in two completely different departments. I also had the impression that at times he thought I was just a dimwitted little girl.

    It wasnt too long after that I think he might have transferred somewhere else. I never saw him again. We did have a lot of people that got let go at one point, so that could’ve been the case too. It sounds pathetic to most people, but that guy kind of drove me crazy. I had a massive crush on him, and could barely talk when he spoke to me. I was just too shy and nervous. I sometimes actually wonder if he was really flirting at all. I could’ve just been misreading everything. I mean, when I like someone, I tend to analyze too much.

  84. Ronnie says:

    Of course he was flirting with you – because he found you attractive and it was fun! But that still doesn’t mean anything sorry to say. Sometimes women get crushes on men who flirt and are mysterious – we always seem to want what we can’t have. If a man is interested, months don’t go by before he’s gets up the nerve to ask you out. All the examples on this post have that in common. When it lingers over time, that’s a sure sign its going no where.

  85. Anna says:

    Hi Ronnie,

    I followed your advice and ignored him for months. Two weeks ago, while I was waiting for the train (it was late that day) he touched my arm and asked me if he missed the train. I told him in the polite way “no the train is late”. He then started asking me the same question as before. Was I busy, what floor am I etc…The train came but it was very crowded. He moved towards the door and asked me “Are you coming” I said I will wait for the next train, He smiled and said “good luck”. Has been two weeks and I didn’t see him again. He is taking an earlier train. The problem is I can take him out of my mind. This is the strange situation. He never compliments me, he never asked me out, he never called my name and he is still in my mind. I did the same to him :)How can I delete his face from my brain

  86. Ronnie says:

    Hi Anna, that is a choice you have to make. Look for other men to date. Post a profile online. Go to a singles event or Meetup.com group. Do what you can to find a better man who is interested in dating you. Holding onto this guy is nothing but a waste of your time.

    On occasion, when a woman pines over a man who is unattainable, it is symptomatic of an unwillingness to be vulnerable or take a risk. The fantasy is SO much safer. Look into your heart to see if you are ready to date and face rejection. If you are, then stop waiting around and starting meeting men s o you can find the love you want and deserve. If you aren’t, then figure out what healing you need and take care of it to open your heart to men and love again.

  87. MW says:

    Ronnie -

    I’m confused by some of the guidance you’ve provided.

    You’ve stated that a man who flirts over a period of time but makes no effort to develop a relationship has “…some flaw that keeps him from entering into a relationship…”

    However, back in November you told Jaded “If you flirt often and its fun and you just want to enjoy that – feel free.”

    Is a woman who follows that advice flawed as well? I must be misinterpreting something, as that seems close to a double standard.

    Also back in November, you told Jeremy “…you are the man! It is your job to make the first move.”

    I beg your pardon? It’s 2013. I’m not sure there’s a rationale any longer to claim women must wait on a man.

    Some men find it difficult to weigh the risk of ruining a good friendship (say, with a coworker) by taking it up a level and asking a female friend out on a date (by which she might be unpredictably appalled).

    And, though a woman may think she’s sending “clear signals” of her interest to a man, the man may actually be completely confused and unsure of where she stands.

    Allowing a very “retro” definition of gender roles (it’s the man’s job…) to define avenues of communication robs both sides of a more open dialogue.

    Anyway, some guys are just friendly. I believe a poster named Jon has already pointed that out. We harbor no hidden agenda, we don’t objectify women, and we aren’t looking to use a woman to “validate” our own emotional quirks. We just like being nice.

    I’ve spent my entire adult life in uniform, in completely male-dominated environments. As I transition to part two of a now-slower, more stable life with the new experiences of an “office” job, I’ve come to realize how nice it is to escape the egotism and hostility men heap upon themselves.

    I like to be nice. I like nice people. I’ve worked for enough jerks in enough miserable places.

    So I will politely compliment a female coworker’s new dress, or her new hairstyle. I will pay for a female coworker’s coffee at the place near our office building. I will change a tire or jump-start a car. If a female coworker stops to chat with me, I will make eye contact, listen to her, and contribute to the conversation.

    Does this mean I’m “flawed”?

    Is it possible to be consistently nice and not fall into your definition of “flawed” simply because I will not ask a female coworker (to whom I am consistently nice) out to dinner?

  88. Ronnie says:

    Ahh – you DO misunderstand me. I recommend flirting to women because it is fun and remind them that it works best with no agenda – just enjoy the exchanges. When a woman flirts, its a way to make it easier for the man to approach. And flirting absolutely can be a way a man (or woman) is nice – of course that is true! So you’re not flawed for being nice to female co-workers. The reason you are confused is probably because you ARE nice and don’t have alternate motives.

    By the way- dating roles have not advanced in the way job equality has. Just an undeniable fact for women over 40 (and often younger too). While a woman can ask a man out, it rarely leads to anything long-term because most men do not like to be chased. They may go for it out of curiosity or feeling flattered for a short time, but I’ve spoken to too many men and read advice from too many male experts to believe women can successfully find lasting love by by being the pursuer.

    But in this post, I’m talking about some men (and some women too) who take it to the next level. They talk about getting together. They say or do things that lead a person to believe they are interested romantically. Or the flirting is constant and not just a simple smile or a polite compliment.

    These flirters (not all men or all women) purposely play with someone’s head because they want to feel adored or need the attention or feel power. That behavior IS flawed since they know the women think romance is somewhere in the future. It is these situations that I explain to women don’t mean anything because the men but have no intention of asking them out.

    I don’t make generalizations that “all men” are anything. But the kind of men who do things that confuse women is what I’m am explaining to my readers. And I don’t gender neutralize every post by talking about the men and women who are flawed, since the vast majority of my readers are women. I’m well aware men don’t corner the market on flaws.

  89. Confused says:

    I have to tell my story, but I will try to keep it short. I met this man where I am a regular. He clearly started staring at me months ago and everyone noticed, knowing that I am not available. By the way he is not available either. One day, I don’t know how, we started intensely flirting and I mean intensely. He told me he would take me out to lunch twice and did not call. When I saw him after the first promise, he was so apologetic and said he was working etc…

    He said he still wants to take me out and he would call me the next week. He held my hand the whole time and no call after. I know he is interested and attracted. But somehow, he cannot pull the trigger. I am so confused. I let him off the hook, when I did not get the call the first go around and he got back in it. Why? And why not call then. Why make the promises and not deliver? What should I do? Ignore him next? Please talk some sense into me, I can not stop thinking about this guy.

  90. Ronnie says:

    Dear confused, I’m happy to talk some sense into you. Flirting is fun! But it doesn’t necessarily mean anything. This man is not available – so he had fun flirting and probably would like to date/sleep with you. But he decided not to cheat and didn’t follow through. That’s it – end of story.

    Now let’s talk about you – you are not available either! Why are you thinking about another man? If your relationship is unsatisfactory, work on it or leave it. Cheating just causes pain and guilt – I can’t imagine either one is fun in the long run. Hope you feel less confused and I talked some sense into you girlfriend – that guy is a waste of time,http://www.nevertoolate.biz/wp/wp-admin/edit-comments.php?comment_status=moderated#comments-form energy and your love!

  91. Kadri says:

    Hello,

    If you flirt with someone, and he flirts bach. How long is normal time to flirt (one week of month or two months), before you realise it´s time to stop flirting with him, because he never ask you out?

  92. Ronnie says:

    Hi Kadri,

    I’m not sure there are any hard rules. Just enjoy the flirting, but realize it doesn’t mean anything unless he asks you out. If more than a few weeks go by, it could be just flirting.

  93. princess_C says:

    so this guy at work flirts with me hard core!
    at first he asked me out movies dinner but he never called me in the weekends:
    I felt like he was just playing with me so I stopped talking to him and flirting
    but now he flirts with me (and I can tell he hates it that I don’t flirt back)
    and that actually makes him flirt harder
    he say’s omg I love your voice I just laugh and blow him away!
    does he or does he not like me??
    why does he flirt but never takes me out on a date

  94. Ronnie says:

    Hey Princess, who knows what makes that man tick! I am suspicious of men who don’t ask you out on the weekends. I’ve been down that road and I discovered they are usually seeing another woman. So you were wise to cut things off. As to why he’s still flirting so hard – ahhh, now you are a challenge to his ego. But what will happens if he wins you over? No weekend dates again? flirt with him if it’s fun, but look elsewhere for love.

  95. april says:

    Thank you so much for this post. I know what you say is true but I had to hear (or read) it again. I am attracted to a man that works in my building and I see him in the lobby almost everyday. He is very polite and friendly and he always smiles at me and says hello. I always try to be polite and friendly in return. I heard he is single and wondered why he has not ask me out. I was getting to the point that I wanted to ask him out and then I read this blog. I really needed to read this. I know what you say is true. Something is holding him back from asking me out and I just need to move on. It’s difficult because I am very drawn to him and I don’t know why. He is not my type at all but something about him is interesting to me. Anyway, it would be easier to move on if I did not see him almost everyday but as far as I know his building project ends soon and his firm will be moving to another office. Out of sight, out of mind. So, thanks for the blog and I may have to re-read it several times while he is still in my building to remind myself of this sensible advice.

  96. Ronnie says:

    Hi April, So glad you found the post helpful. I know it’s not easy but good for you for shoring up the courage to do what is best for you! Attraction is so fascinating, but often hard to understand or resist :-)

  97. Wendy says:

    Hi Ronnie,
    Thank you for writing up this post. I’m caught up in the same situation. I’ve been friends with this guy for 4 years. We talked everyday via Skype. We shared so many personal stories and we talked through anything. I feel like we are connected and talking everyday even make me feel like it would be abnormal to be one day without talking. Lately he’s been flirting with me a lot and I flirt back as well. I didn’t recognize when it all changed but it just did.

    We started to talk in a “more than friend” way but it was nothing and going nowhere. Every time I gave him a lot of attention he’ll pulled back, but when I ignored him he’d ask for more attention. I started to think that this was a dead end and I should move on. Every time he came to me and said things that made me think he has a thing for me. But then it goes back to the same vicious cycle. I strongly feel that he is attracted to me. However, he never says he likes me either. I really don’t know what to do but I guess I should move on.

  98. Ronnie Ann Ryan says:

    Hi Wendy, The hard part about this is that it doesn’t matter if he’s attracted to you. What does matter is if he asks you out on a regular basis. Since he’s not doing that, the rest is fun but meaningless. So you are right about moving on. This guys likes the attention, but he’s not emotionally available or you are not the one. When a man does this – flirts and pulls away, you are seeing behavior that is a huge red flag. This tells you to run! Don’t waste another minute with this guy if you are looking for romance. You’ll never get it from him.

    Wishing you love,
    Ronnie

  99. unsuremom says:

    I have a situation like Cindy,but a student counsel type thing.anyway he started staring at me,which made me curious cause he the cute guy, am the ok girl with teeth issues. the staring move to us flirting, he would come up to me and talk about nothing and stand so close to me. when i walked he would walk two step behind,openly stare my friends would play jokes cause they could see him watching me,it got to a point t go anywhere so i stopped flirting and everything, i thought after i was gone he would ask me out but no.one day i look up n he was driving behind me,i was freaked out,i called him months later, he ask about my relationship status i said single he said getting married.never called him again, years went by im ive seen him following me again but never speaks,is something wrong with me?

  100. Ronnie Ann Ryan says:

    There’s nothing wrong with you. But he sure seems strange. The problem is on his end. I hope he drops out of sight soon. Who needs a man who doesn’t follow through or worse, seems like he’s stalking you. Be cautious.

  101. Crystal says:

    Hi Ronnie:

    I had been blissfully working for all these years when I moved into another office. Almost immediately, one male, an older cop, came over and introduced himself and I didn’t realize at time, but he touched my arm, which I thought was a little odd at the time. After that, I noticed him often in the hallways, watching me, or coming through my office. And I felt, but would never have proof, that he had asked about me…because I noticed his work mates would be coming through my area, and then he would, etc.

    One time he was in my area talking to a couple of the lieutenants and I came back into the room, and I felt he had looked at me, because the two lt.’s also turned around to see what he had looked at, but I had averted my eyes, because if that was the case, it would be embarrassing.

    There are more instances of that, but I don’t want to totally bore you!

    We’ve never actually talked about much of anything because he’s pretty busy and so am I, and am expected to keep my nose to the grindstone and our work won’t often bring us together, plus I think he may be shy? And I know I am, and offer nil encouragement to him, as working in a law enforcement agency, it would be slightly embarrassing to be looking for a relationship on the job as they would all know ’bout it, plus there’s that fine line between flirting and sexual harassment…

    Our time is closely scrutinized and monitored so anything that has been done, any meeting, has been mostly effort on his part.

    My question is, this is making me almost sick…I was drifting through my work life very happily until this guy crossed paths with me, and OMG, I LOVE seeing him so much, when to think, about 3 months ago, I didn’t know or care that he existed.

    This week, he actually came up to me and he did ask me to do something for him, and again he touched my arm. When he brought back what he wanted me to process for him, my supervisor was talking to me, so he went and chatted with another worker until we were done talking, which I don’t think he would have had to do, but like he was waiting for supervisor to be done with me….but as I was a little preoccupied with what supervisor had said, I probably looked crabby or angry or something, not the way I would have wanted it to go….and now he’s on 4 days’ off…

    My question for you: Can you sort this out for me? Or make sense of this mess?

  102. Ronnie Ann Ryan says:

    Hi Crystal,

    I am going to be very straight with you and hope that it’s OK. You are spending WAY TOO MUCH TIME IN YOUR HEAD. While this guy might find you attractive, he has not asked you out. And he probably won’t given what you told me about your work culture. You are giving too much meaning to those looks and his touch. None of this means anything unless he asks you out, which he hasn’t.

    Let this go and get him out of your head. He’s distracting you at work and will keep you from looking for a true love interest. Get out to mingle and meet men you are free to date. The less you think about this co-worker, the better off you’ll be. A relationship with him is highly unlikely and it sounds dangerous to your employment.

  103. kari says:

    Ronnie, I love, love your site :) I have the same dilemma: I am signed at a dating site and I communicate with 3 boys from at least 3 months but no one has asked me out :( Are they shy? I also have to share but I am early 20s and I have only had one relationship which was secret because the guy wanted so :( It ended 2 years ago and I am still single. You say that if guys do not ask you out, you should move on. But how do I move one when no one expresses interest in me? :( Boys just do not like me enough. No, I do not sleep with them. They just flirt and never call. Yes, I have had terrible childhood ( a lot of emotional abuse) but right now I am 5’9, 130pounds and I do believe I am attractive. Yet, no one likes me and no one wants me? Maybe in my case, I should ask one of the boys out? What do you think?
    thanks

  104. Ronnie Ann Ryan says:

    Hi Kari,
    It sure doesn’t sound like your looks are the problem with those model-like stats. I’d be curious to know what you put in your online profile…Make sure it’s very positive. Talk about what you like and what you want in a guy. Don’t talk about what you don’t want or like. Don’t say things like “You must…”

    It’s very common online for people to chat and flirt and not ask you out. Browse the guys and send emails to see if you can get a conversation going. And if you feel like you must, you can ask to meet for coffee or a drink one time. But never a second – if the guy is interested, he will ask you for the second date. Just keep at it – reach out to 3-5 men a day. I’m sure if you follow thee suggestions, men will ask you out.

  105. kari says:

    thanks for the quick reply! Ronnie, in general, what do you think are the reasons that some girls never gets asked out and are desperately lonely? I am one of them :( I am not talking about dating sites only but life in general
    thanks

    p.s. you are amazing :)

  106. Erik says:

    In my opinion, the girl has to reciprocate or show some interest as well. (Ask about things, show that you remember little details) There’s a girl I’m really interested in, but she works somewhere where I’m a regular customer. If it bombs I have to find somewhere to new to take my business. She “seems” interested but I’d gauge it at 80% friendly, 20% interested. I need to see even just tiny initiation from her before I ask her out. So far it feels like it’s always been me.

  107. Ronnie Ann Ryan says:

    Hi Erik,
    Thanks for the male point of view! Yes women need to show interest, I agree. But how much interest is enough to make a man take the risk to ask for her number or a date? That’s a tough call.

    Regarding the woman where you are a regular customer she’s probably not showing more interest because either she can’t or more likely she’s not interested for any of a number of reasons. She’s nice because that is her demeanor and good customer service. For all you know she’s dating someone, living with someone or not dating right now. It might not be about you or her lack of willingness to show interest. So this is your clue to not risk your coffee shop (or whatever place it is) and continue the hunt elsewhere for dates.

  108. neha mittal says:

    Hi ronnie….thnx fr ur advise….i want to share one thing with u ol….3 year ago i met with a boy on fb …he is tottaly stranger for me…but by chance he is fiend of my sister friend….as time pases we chat too much…i gave too much attention to him…withiut reazon he fought with me nd deleted me…after two or more days i send him request again…he again accept it…he gave me his number…but after one year passes i accept it…i msg him on mobile…we start chatting on mobile …he talked with me at late night …he eventually talked about non veg also…but always i ignored this….one day he told me neha…sorry for evrythng i am not of your type…i cant talk you anymore…on dat tym i was crying alot….but i still never forget him….i msg him…but he talks very less nd rude….nd i ask him usually why you left me without reazon…but he dont reply me….why..??? we was not good frmds…but addicted to talk….plzzz plzz…mail me on my mail id…..plzz…i request you…tell me suggest me wat can i do….?? is i love with him…??

  109. Ronnie Ann Ryan says:

    Hi Neha, you won’t like my advice. You must let go. You say he was rude to you, but he told you he can’t talk any more. Listen to what people tell you. I know you have feelings for him, but with time this will heal. There is no way to get a man back who doesn’t want to be with you.

  110. gigi says:

    Hey, I want to ask: I know this boy from a long time, we talk a lot, we flirt, he asked me out on SAturday few weeks ago, I said I couldnt make it because I had other commitment, but I told him I am free on the week – he never replied more and he never invited me again. What does this mean? Does he like me or is he just looking for someone to kill time with?

  111. Ronnie Ann Ryan says:

    Hi gig,

    The post you asked this questions on explains that flirting is fun, but doesn’t always mean something. A man might just think you are fun to flirt with. If he were truly interested, he’d have already asked you out again. Sorry :-(

  112. […] Ronnie Ann Ryan wrote a brilliant post about this subject a couple of years ago, and if you’re in this situation, you must check it out. Also read one of the comments underneath from a guy named Brent, dated September 17, 2012 at 10:10 pm. […]

  113. Dee says:

    I’m confused… Why do women demand equal rights , yet MOST hypocritical ladies still expect men to ask for a date ? U can’t have the best of both worlds ! There’s an ez solution to this debate : if u like a guy , don’t call him out , ask him out !

  114. Ronnie Ann Ryan says:

    Dee – equal rights are for work and health care. Dating has not caught up at all and is still an archaic mating ritual based in biology. You cannot take the DNA out of date just yet. It may happen in the next generation. but if you are over 40, don’t hold your breath on equality in dating. That is just the way things are according to the vast majority of dating and relationship experts. Most men want to take the lead and do not like to be chased. Case closed.

    However, I always tell my women clients they can ask a guy out one time if they feel they must. And if all goes well and he likes you, then he will ask you out of the next time. But if you don’t want a broken heart, don’t ask a man out time after time. The reason is because if he liked you or wanted a relationship with you, he would do the work himself.

    So one time? OK, but that is IT.

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