Do you feel compelled to call a man you have just started to date to tell him what a great time you had? Or maybe to see why he hasn’t called you? Or maybe to tell him something or say hello because you’re thinking about him? You may have these impulses, but I advise my dating coaching clients not to call.
As a dating coach for women over 40, I’ve noticed a trend emerging in the last 10 years. Women are bolder about communicating with men. With the work place equality we enjoy today and so many women in power jobs, there is a new belief that the communication style that works in business is appropriate for dating as well.
Too bad that’s not true. Let me explain.
You see in business, being direct is often the best policy. Just say what needs to be said to be very clear and get things done. This approach is completely appropriate for business, but sorry to say, not for dating. Not if you want to keep your man interested.
As you move into the relationship phase, the situation will change again and more direct communication is possible. But, during the initial dating phase, the first four to 10 dates, being direct is a wrong turn that can cause your man to lose interest and worse – withdraw!
I’ve spoken to lots of men about calling. When you contact a man by calling, emailing or texting, you are entering his private world. You may think you’re being nice or showing interest and a small percentage of guys might not mind. However, the majority of men say they don’t like it. Most men prefer to call and pursue you.
Here’s why its better to leave initiating communication in his hands:
1. Don’t call him because you no longer know when he would have called you. This is crucial information because it lets you know about his interest level. One to two days – very interested; 7 days – not so interested. But when you call him, you now have no idea what he would have done on his own – and that’s the only thing that really matters.
2. Don’t call him because you minimize your mystery. You want a man to wonder about you – what you might be doing. How you spend your time. When you start communicating with him, you let him know you aren’t busy. What’s not readily available is always more attractive – this is the plain and simple truth about attraction.
3. Don’t call him because he might misinterpret this as desperation. Any hint of desperation works against you. A woman worth her salt is busy and occupied. Men like the chase and when you have a rich, full life and leave the calling to him, your appeal goes up.
4. Don’t call him because he might see you as invading his privacy. The man cave is a private space and you shouldn’t approach him there until invited into his world. Even emailing and texting can be problematic. Some women insist on a text the next day to say thank you. I’ll give you this one, although I don’t think its necessary. But too much back and forth makes you appear to be an over communicator! Not an attractive trait by any means.
Sometimes there are men who like a texting relationship. This can be a tip off – he might be controlling, very needy, or seeking a fantasy relationship, Just because he contacts you often doesn’t mean you have to respond right away or with the same frequency. A little resistance helps pique his interest if he’s a frequent texter.
The best thing you can do is not call him. Early on, leave all the initiating up to the man. The calling, the emailing, the asking out, etc. The most power you have is to not be available – that makes him want you more. Don’t squander this precious source of magnetism.
I hope I have convinced you not to call him, but if not, you can read Rhonda Findling’s book Don’t Call That Man. It’s excellent and focuses also on not calling a man especially after a breakup.