You are not alone. This is such a constant problem for single women of any age. I just got this email from a woman who is confused by the mixed signals she’s getting from a guy she had one date with. Maybe this has happened to you?
I had a first date with a guy two weeks ago. It went really well and I texted him the next day. He said he was would love to see me, but was busy. I am having trouble understanding men.
Since then he texted me every three days. First he said he hoped he had time to see me at the weekend, so I thought he would call. At the weekend he texted me after 6pm on Saturday and said he was with a friend, but wished he knew I was free. Three days later he texted he would like to spend time with me this weekend. I replied I would be free. On Saturday, he texted me about 8:50pm and asked me how my day was. I texted back it was fine and he replied he spent the day painting for a friend.
Is he playing with me? Why does he hint he wants to ask me out, then does not?? Please help me with understanding men.
Thanks so much,
Texted and Confused in Missouri
When a man says he wants to see you but, doesn’t make the time, its called “Stringing you along”. He is seeing someone else or a few other women, but wants to keep his options open with you in case the others don’t work out. A lot of men do this. (Women do it too.) I’ve also heard it referred to as “chatting you up” when a man calls to talk, but doesn’t ask you out.
Really its the same thing. The men who contact you with no intention of setting up a date or making time to see you are a dime a dozen.
In addition, this guy purposefully texts you on Saturday night to see if you are home with nothing going on. He’s doing some detective work on you. If you answered his texts right away, you communicated unwittingly that you have nothing else to do. Plus, you revealed that you are very interested and hopeful about him.
As I would tell any of my dating coaching clients, your responses have actually lowered his attraction to you. Had you been busy and responded a few days later, that would have made him more curious about you. A woman who is busy and sought after, is always more attractive. Dating is a lot like playing poker, you don’t want to show your hand because you give the game away. In this case, you don’t want a man to know you have nothing to do on a Saturday night or that you are more interested in him than he is in you.
As a dating coach for over 10 years, one thing I know for sure – when a man is truly interested in you, he will ask you out. He’ll want to see you. No matter what that man has to do, he will fit you into his schedule. So, painting “for a friend” (probably his current girlfriend) on a Saturday night would not get in his way.
My advice is to ignore his meaningless texts and let him go. But, let me warn you, ignoring him may cause his interest in you to increase. That’s because you are invoking “the chase” which men still get hooked into. The chase is still alive and well. Men like to work towards a goal.
That’s why I advise my dating coaching clients not to text, email or call a man the day after a first date. don’t invade his space by communicating. Instead, thank you him on the date and tell him you had a good time. Then, in basketball terms, drop the ball in his court and just leave it there. If he’s interested, he’ll pick up the ball to call and ask you out.
So, if Mr. Text suddenly starts showing you more interest or calls to ask you out, please remember this. After one date he decided not to see you again and started stringing you along. Is that really the kind of guy worth dating? Is that the kind of guy you want to open your heart to? I doubt it.
Wishing you love,
Photo Credit: The Unquiet Librarian