Last week I answered a question from a woman who called herself “Confused in Colorado”. Her question was about a guy named Jake who seemed interested and gave her his number, but never asked her out. They texted a lot and he “talked” about going out, but never did ask her. When she asked him out, he didn’t go. In fact, Jake told her the timing wasn’t right (here’s that post about how to understand men.) Below, I have explained why a woman should not take the role of initiator at the very beginning of dating.
At the start of dating, there is only one way to know if a man is interested in you or just blowing smoke with his flirtations. What is it? Not to DO anything. That’s right – don’t pursue him. That means, don’t call him, don’t text or email him and don’t ask him out. Now, if a man initiates, of course mirror his actions – return his call, text or email. Then you are not pursuing – big difference.
For some women, this idea is very hard because today men and women seem so equal. Why shouldn’t a woman ask a man on a date? Well you can do it of course, but you won’t find out what he’d do on his own, to pursue you – and as a dating coach that is most often the measure of how much he likes you.
Jake gave Ms. Confused his number, but he didn’t initiate. She started texting and asking him out. Clearly he liked flirting with her, but was not ready to go to the next level. He he told you he’s not ready for a relationship. And his behavior let her know that – since he was not asking her out and declined her offers.
See, if a man is interested in you, no matter how shy he may be, he will ask you out, take you on a date, call again, take you out again, etc. Talking about a date is not the same as GOING on a date. This is where talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words. See how this works?
In ballroom dancing, there is only one leader and only one follower. If you want to dance well, you let the man lead. That’s pretty simple right? Use this to help you understand what actions you should take with dating. Asking a man out – that is leading and his job. Following his lead by returning his calls, texts, emails and saying yes to a date if you are interested – that is your job as the follower.
Now don’t get all feminist on me. This follower role is only true for the initial phase of dating – the first 6 dates or so. After that, things tend to balance out and you can start taking turns initiating. But, not before you know you have a date with this guy every Saturday night. That is the defining line between dating and the first phase of relationship.
My dating advice for Ms. Confused in Colorado? Let Jake go. She should stop texting and flirting and move on to find a man who is ready to date and wants a relationship.