Hi Ronnie The Dating Coach for Women,
Two months ago I was in another town on business. When I got to my hotel that night a guy I went to High School with had messaged me on Facebook saying he thought had seen me in his town and had I been there? I told him I had. We exchanged a few short messages, then he asked me to dinner. I told him I was leaving town the next day. He said to let him know the next time I was in town and we could “grab a bite to eat.”
Three weeks later I let him know I would be in town the next day. He said that unfortunately he was busy and he couldn’t make it. But when I pulled into town the next day he texted me and asked me to lunch. We met for an hour. We haven’t seen each other in 20 years. He’s 40. I’m 39.
Anyway, we left the lunch with no future plan. I was a bit confused as to whether it was a date or not. A few hours later I texted him to say it was great seeing him. He said he loved chatting and “let’s do it again sometime.” So a few weeks later I let him know I’d be in town in a few days and asked if he wanted to get together. He invited me to his house for dinner. He’s a trustworthy guy so I accepted. Still couldn’t tell if it was a date.
Anyway the night before he called to cancel because he had to work an extra shift. But he said we needed to get together the next time I was in town. Anyway, I kind of wondered if that was a way of him just deciding he wasn’t in to me. But I was thinking, I couldn’t tell if it was even a date, so no big deal.
I thought I’d give it one more shot. I texted him the other day and let him know I’d be in town again and would he let me treat him to dinner? He accepted, but today he texted and asked, if it’s it okay for him to cook me dinner at his place.
I can’t figure this out. Is this guy trying to pursue me or is this just a friend hosting a friend when I’m out of town on business? I’m totally into him. He’s very grounded and a kind person. I want him to like me. I just can’t tell if he likes me as a date or as a friend.
Ronnie, please advise me what to do!
As a dating coach, here’s how I understand men. When a man cooks you dinner – sex with you is on his menu for dessert. This happened to me more than once when I was dating. Please do not have dinner at his house unless you plan on sleeping with him. Even though you know him, I strongly advise keeping your get togethers in public to be on the safe side.
As a dating coach for 11 years, I’ve seen a lot of male behavior to understand men and what is going on. The first thing is that you are in an awkward position because you communicate first, letting him know when you’re in town. In a relationship where a man is genuinely interested, you would not have to do this. I’ll explain in a minute.
My best dating advice is that your high school buddy is lazy and hoping to get lucky. Here are four reasons why I believe this is true:
1. If he were keeping a conversation going with you in between visits, he would know when you were coming to town. Then he could pursue you. Since he is not doing that (as far as I can a tell from your question), he is not pursuing you. In fact, you are doing his job for him by initialing dates and pursuing him.
1. Cancelling after making plans does happen. But, he could easily also be seeing other women which causes him to cancel. It could be true that he has to work or whatever, but I tend to doubt that.
3. Another clue for me about his passive, non-pursuing behavior is after a nice lunch which he agreed was fun, he left you with the “wishy-washy” comment, “Let’s do it again sometime.” That’s highly non-commital and not the sign of a man pursuing you. An interested man who say “Let’s do it again, when will you be back in town?”
4. Texting and Facebook are supplementary methods of communication. Not the main choice of a man who is sincerely interested. I didn’t get that he has been spending a lot of time on the phone with you which would help him get to know you faster and crate a connection.
These are the reasons you can’t tell if this is a date or friendship. He is sending a lot of mixed signals and messages.
My dating advice to help you understand men is to stop letting him know when you will be around. Don’t initiate any contact with him. Leave the ball in his court as they say. If this high school buddy seriously wants to see you, he’ll contact you. And if not, you won’t be confused any more about his intentions.
If you need expert dating advice, ask me during my monthly Inner Circle Calls. The first Monday night of every month you can get savvy dating answers to your questions to clear up confusion, demystify situations, understand men, get dating tips and so much more. Read more and register now for the next call and the dating advice you need.
CT dating coach Photo Credit: Atomic Shark