If you are dating after divorce or dating online, I bet you can relate to this story.
I really loved reading all your responses to questions from readers!
I recently met a guy online who he seemed very outgoing and even before we spoke he wanted to take me out on a date for my birthday and spend all day with me. I didn’t want to do that because I hadn’t even met him. So I told him movie and a dinner would be fine. We saw a horrible movie (LOL), then had dinner and had a really great great time.
He wanted to show me where he lived. I followed him to his place and we went in, but didn’t stay more than 5 minutes. He walked me to my car and we hugged. I wanted him to kiss me, but he didn’t. He later told me he wanted to hold my hand during the movie and wanted a kiss.
I told him that I would love it if he kissed me next time he saw me. He invited me over to his house the next day, I agreed and went over. When I got there I was really shy and he was too. Well he kissed me and we ended up doing the deed. Take into account he and I have come from relationships that had lasted about 6 years. We both ended with our exes.
Now I see him a lot. From the beginning I told him I wanted to go slow, but I guess we haven’t. We haven’t even been on a second date – all we do is hang out at his place. He always says he doesn’t have money. Yet spends money on ordering out, new laptop, and video games.
It’s been two months since we met and I know I want something more with him. He says he does too and that he already knows what he wants. I also recently asked him if he’d ever go to church with me. He said no. That’s really important to me. Before that he had told me that he thought he was not ready for a relationship and that hurt me. I also hate what he tells me to have sex with my ex, go with my ex, skype my ex, etc.
How should I go about this situation? I feel attached to him now, so it would be hard to let him go.
This might not be what you want to hear, but this happens more often than you think when dating after divorce. You fell into his trap hook, line and sinker. When a man invites you over to his home or rushes to spend a lot of time with you before meeting you, he’s planning on sex.
You didn’t go for it on the first date, but he was patient. He floated the hand holding/kissing comment and you agreed so the rest was easy once you went to his home. In essence, you entered into an intimate relationship with a man you never dated. Unfortunately, you didn’t get to know if he was right for you and he didn’t have to woo you to win you over. This is an error many women make, so don’t feel too badly.
Time with you is a privilege
As I tell all my dating coaching clients, the purpose of dating is to get to know if someone is worthy of investing your time. You need to “vet” the man you plan on having a relationship with to see if he qualifies because time with you is a privilege. That won’t happen in one date. Plus, once you have sex, it’s pretty hard to slow things down or be objective. The vast majority of women tend to bond with a man they have slept with – so you are not alone.
When a man says he’s not ready for a relationship, believe him!
men will often come right out and tell a woman who is dating after divorce (or anytime) that he doesn’t want a relationship. yet, women tend to ignore this. He’s happy to have a regular partner for a roll in the hay, but this man will likely never try to please you because he doesn’t have to. You already showed him you are willing to see him all the time at his place right?
Dating is a Game of Strategy
Women hate when I say this. Nevertheless, dating requires strategy and negotiation. It’s a lot like poker – you don’t ever want to show your hand if you want to win. It’s not a game of manipulation – but it does require being smart, understanding how dating works, knowing about men, and self-discipline.
Dating after divorce? Take things more slowly
Learn to observe your dates to determine if the guy is a match. Get comfortable with waiting to see what he’ll do to win you over rather than jumping in to make things happen or giving yourself to him on a silver platter.
It’s highly doubtful this man will do much to please you. He has no reason to change and I’m not sure he wants a deeper relationship. He’s happy to hangout, but that’s as far as it goes. Pushing you to reconnect with your ex is strange – sounds like he doesn’t want to provide the emotional support or hopes you can get it elsewhere. And why would he want you to sleep with your ex? The whole thing makes me suspicious. Does he invite you over or do you invite yourself?
He’s not making you happy now and never will
Rose – this isn’t making you happy already, after just two months. As your dating coach I’m asking you to rethink the idea of leaving him and get out now before too much time goes by. You will become more and more unhappy as you long for what you truly want in a relationship. Your situation is what women fear most – SETTLING because you are now emotionally invested in the wrong man for you.
He is not the only man on the planet who will date you!
Move on and date new guys. When dating after divorce, it’s wise to go slowly and hold off on intimacy. Don’t let a man know how much you like him, don’t call him or initiate dates or contact for the first 5-10 dates. These are traditional rules of dating that have not changed contrary to popular belief and still work beautifully today.
Wishing you love,