Maybe you’ve been divorced for years. Or maybe it’s only been 9 months since your marriage ended. Either way, you are feeling ready to get back out there. Good for you! Before you get started, there are five very important things you need to know about how dating works today to avoid the heartbreaking pitfalls so many women experience.
1. Unrealistic expectations. For some divorced women, even though they think they are ready to meet men, set the criteria for the right men is set so high, they probably won’t want to date anyone. The only way to meet the right man is to meet lots of men and allow yourself to get to know a few. Disqualifying guys is the easiest thing to do. Instead, as your dating coach I want you to say yes to meeting men because that is the only way you can find a good guy.
2. Not enough expectations. OK, you may think I’m flip-flopping but for some women, they never set any criteria and will date any man who asks them out because , well, he’s a man. This extreme isn’t good either and will get you hooked on a guy that will probably won’t be compatible, just available. You deserve a man you enjoy, respect and get along with. If you’re dating after divorce, have some basic idea of what will work for you and qualities you are seeking, so you can disqualify inappropriate dates and save yourself a lot aggravation.
3. Don’t fall for Mr. Charming. There are some men who are amazingly charming. They know exactly what a woman needs and wants to hear to let down her defenses. They do nice things for you right away, plan the future early on, tell you how wonderful you are, and make themselves the kind of guy you dream of. They do all this with one agenda in mind – getting you into bed fast. Some charmers will sleep with you once and be gone, while others might stick around for a while. Inevitably, they will move on to the next conquest.
I also call these guys “players” and you can read more in this post. Whether you’ve never been married or are dating after divorce, you could meet up with a charming player.
You can enjoy time with a player, just don’t fall for his lines like he means the, You want to watch to see that he is consistent with you over time – like at least 4-6 dates. If you have 6 dates with Mr. Charming, he might be a decent guy. However, you can only tell by waiting it out to see if he calls and sees you regularly even if you don’t sleep with him and make him wait! Once in a while Mr. Charming can be for real, but it’s extremely rare.
4. Do not call or ask men out. I know it seems like all the rules of dating have changed and become modernized. sorry but that’s a big fat lie. This is one of the biggest pitfalls going for women. I tell my dating coaching clients all the time – do not initiate anything with men. You want to see what a man will do on his own without your prompting to know if he is interested and shows consistency over time. That is the only way to go if you want to date smart.
Think of ballroom dancing – you follow his lead, but he always takes the first step. This changes once you have enough dates that you move into the first phase of relationship – then you can contact him first on a 3:1 ratio. Eventually things will balance out but if you don’t follow this process, you could easily chase him away quickly.
When you wait to see what a man will do, then you can gather important data about his behavior. Does his interest seem genuine and consistent? There’s only one way to find out and that is to do NOTHING. So if he asks you out, then respond and say yes if you want to go. If he texts, you can text back or email or call, but don’t start anything.
5. Be fun and appreciative. Your job as a woman is to be a fun date, easy to be with, and appreciative of what he has done – if you like it. For example, if he picked a great restaurant – tell him that! Praise goes a long way to appeal to a man’s ego. Men choose women who make them feel good so please keep that in mind.
6. Forget having that honest conversation. So many women dating after divorce tell me when a man doesn’t call or something goes awry, they want to pick up the phone and have an honest conversation. This is direct approach, when a woman wants to simply ask a man directly why he did what he did. DON’T DO IT!
If you try the honest conversation, you will make the man squirm, feel pressured and very uncomfortable. He will say anything to get you off the phone and you will not have accomplished a thing. Once in a relationship, you can have the occasional honest conversation and should to see how you can work through situations. Just not when first dating.
7. If he doesn’t ask you out, he’s not into you. Countless women feel the frustration of a flirtatious man who texts, emails, calls or talks to you in person, but never asks you out. Here’s a very simple rule of thumb, if he doesn’t ask you out, he’s not interested in you no matter what else he says or does. Thanks to Greg Behrendt and his book
8. Learn about dating today. If it’s been years since you dated, then you must familiarize yourself with what works today. Read my book, MANifesting Mr. Right or read what other dating coaches have written. If you are over 40, then read things from experts who work with the over 40 crowd. Dating in your 20′s is not the same as in your 40′s, 50′s or 60′s. Find out the do’s and don’ts so you don’t fall into common pitfalls like so many women do. Date smart to guard your heart and find the right man for you.