Dating After Divorce: No Exclusivity Discussion = No Exclusivity
If you’ve been dating a guy for two to three months (or potentially longer) and you’re wondering if he’s seeing anyone else, that’s a fair question. Women often want to know what’s going on behind the scenes and usually with good reason. A woman wants to know if because she:
- Is falling for him and hopes the feeling is mutual
- Has bonded with him through sex and is worried about health issues of multiple partners
- Is thinking about a future with the guy and wants to know if he is too
- Has the baby bio clock ticking loudly and is hopeful to move the relationship to ring status soon
Whatever the reason, the best approach is the direct approach.
My friend and author Jeff Mac, of Manslations.com fame completely agrees. He has answered a question from a reader beautifully on this topic. Jeff suggests asking the exclusivity question, but immediately following up with your own feelings and why you want to know.
Some men will actually bring this up on their own. But let’s face it, that is rare. Most often the woman has to move the relationship forward, one phase at a time of course. It’s just the way nature seems to work.
Here are some of my own tips on how to go about bringing up exclusivity and the approach that will make it maybe a little less painful for both of you.
1. Don’t start with – "We have to talk." People only say that in the movies (or on TV) If you do say this, i can guarantee your man will get his back up and brace himself for an awful conversation. Why put in him in defense mode? Don’t do it. The only way to start this conversation is to hold your breath and go! Sort of like jumping off a cliff, but better than making it a big production before you even get the words out of your mouth.
2. Keep your tone of voice calm and as unemotional as possible. Sort of casual even if you can manage it. Tone dramatically affects how any message is delivered and received, so be careful to avoid sounding demanding or aggravated. You don’t want to put him on the defense which will get in the way of a productive conversation.
3. Don’t beat around the push because he won’t "get it." Be direct with your question. For example, you could start with. "I want to talk about exclusivity. Right now I’m not seeing anyone else because I feel we have something special happening here. I’d like our relationship to be exclusive, What about you?" As Jeff suggests – a) How you feel,, b) What you want, and c) Why you want it.
4) Shut up. Stop talking. Don’t fill the empty space because you are uncomfortable. Use the power of that discomfort by leaving it be. He will at some point start talking and that is what you want. It’s like a negotiation technique that works.
5. Ask clarifying questions after he speaks, but stay calm and proceed slowly. Avoid outbursts or rapid-fire questioning.
6. Lastly, be prepared. You are walking on dangerous ground and rocking the boat. But the alternative to taking this risk, is not knowing the answer. Remember than no answer IS AN ANSWER. You may have to read between the lines to understand what he ahs said, but if there is a gray area, chances are strong that he is either seeing someone else, thinking about it, open to it and unwilling to give up the candy store of opportunity and other women.
That may seem harsh, but it is the honest truth.
Some women worry about pushing a man away with this approach. well it could happen. Be realistic about the time frame. And age does matter here. Over 35, things are different than under 35. Younger men (and women) have less reason to hurry. So a guy of 25 might not be ready to get serious. Just keep that detail in the back of your mind.
However, knowing he doesn’t want exclusivity is still a good answer. Maybe not for this particular relationship. but it does free you up to find a man who has the same dating agenda as you do – a fun, loving, healthy, exclusive, relationship, leading to long-term romance and potential marriage for some. (Not everyone wants to get married, I know.)
I cal this "Asking the hard questions". It’s a right of passage in any relationship. Never shy away from the hard questions because these conversations help define your relationship and if it has merit, deepen and strengthen it as well.
Dating Over 40: Am I Just Lucky to Have Found a Great Woman So Fast?
Let me tell you about my dream client Fred, who is 64 and recently widowed. He is a good looking man on the short side – 5’7", in good shape and still working out, with some coin, who makes easy conversation and has a sense of humor.\
Fred came to me because he hadn’t dated in more than 40 years and wanted to know what he was getting into. Naturally he was looking forward to meeting lots of women and playing the field for a while. After 40 something years, who could blame him? It sounded like a lot of fun to him and Fred said – there are so many good looking women to choose from with a sparkle in his eyes.
Wanting to know where to look for women, what to expect when dating, what women are looking for, Fred and I talked about EVERYTHING. Believe, I mean everything. He is really sweet and you can tell he’s romantic too..I told Fred that he didn’t have much to worry about, cleared up quite a few misconceptions about dating today and then assured him, he’s a VERY HOT COMMODITY.
I helped Fred come up with places where he could meet women. He decided to take up ballroom dancing which I thought was a great option for a man – there are so many women into ballroom. Plus, I knew in the back of my mind that a widower of 64 would be getting fixed up by his women friends left and right. Fred wasn’t sure about this, but I was quite certain.
Our first meeting was the last week of September. Fred had been fixed up and gone out on a couple of first dates. Plus he had started to get up the nerve to ask women out that he met at charity events and elsewhere. Like most older men, he was even hoping to date some younger women.
He met one nice enough woman in Boston, one in Long Island, one from Manhattan. I give the guy credit for being willing to get out of the local area and just meet people! The Long Island babe emailed him after their first date to invite him to a charity event she was planning to attend. This didn’t go over big at all. Fred told me he couldn’t go anyway because he was traveling, but he didn’t like her aggressive move. He also told me he wasn’t too into her anyway. Hold that thought.
The next meeting he had a few second and third dates to talk about and a few more first dates as well. Fred was really percolating along. He asked lots of really smart questions about meeting people, understanding who is right for you, wondering what to look for and how to tell if someone might be a good match. We talked about how to let a woman off the hook gently, when he could think about having sex, and plenty more.
I just met Fred for our third meeting and was quite surprised by his progress. He is still going out on a first date here and there, but told me that he had called Ms. Long Island (who is 62) again and went to visit her . I guess he had changed his mind about not being that into her –who knows what twist of fate caused that shift.
Things just seemed to click and she suggested he stay over since it was a long trip back to CT. (Nudge nudge wink wink.) he ended up in her bed and was immediately smitten. They have had three additional dates since then and now he is planning Valentine’s Day and maybe a short trip to Mexico to use up an expiring plane ticket.
Don’t we move fast? Fred isn’t quite willing to give up his freedom yet though and neither has said a word about exclusivity. But Fred did say that being with Ms. Long Island is so natural and surprisingly easy. they have a similar background but really do come from very different worlds. She is so easy to get along with, seems to like what he likes, appreciates what he does and doesn’t seem to expect much. (No pressure yet from her about anything…)
Yet, he was going on a second date that very night. Fred did admit that he was no longer pursuing any new opportunities unless they came up and bit him, he wasn’t planning any more first dates. But he wondered whether he had to be exclusive yet. That’s when he asked me, "Am I just lucky to have found someone so quickly who really seems to fit the bill?"
I explained to Fred that he was twice lucky. First because he found someone that seemed like a good match quickly. Second, because he had managed to completely miss out on meeting any crazy ladies – which, come on, we know are out there too. So Fred was twice blessed.
You could see that he had hoped his dating journey would take a bit longer and he was bummed that his swinging single days might already be coming to a close. But on the other hand, Fred was smart to realize that balancing several women at the same time sounded like more fun than it was.
The end of the conversation focused on how he could tell if Ms. Long Island was the right one for him. I suggested that there was no hurry. Fred should be willing to continue data gathering about her and watch for their first disagreement because this will give him insight into how they will resolve the inevitable issues that crop up in every relationship. And since he is still data gathering, don’t go too big on the Valentine’s day gift and no red roses – wait until you are really sure before you go there.
He wondered how much longer this might take to really know and I said any where between six months and a full year. many experts say you need to go through four seasons with someone to be really sure which I think is very solid advice. But, I’m sure he’ll know long before a year of how incredibly lucky he is to have found a woman like Ms Long Island.
And not surprising about a widower from a happy marriage – they often manage to find someone quite right away, not wanting to be alone. I wished Fred all the best and sent him on his way as I told him that my door and phone are always open should he need any more dating advice.
