Dating Over 40: Is Your Ambivalence about Love Holding You Back?

So you are over 40, divorced or single and say you want to find a good life partner? Great! What are you doing to make that desire come true?

As a dating coach for women dating over 40 or dating after divorce, I’ve seen and heard so much – I’m sure you can imagine. But the one thing that often surprises me most is when a woman tells me how much she wants to find love and yet, she does almost nothing to create this reality.

How can this be? There are many possible reasons. Maybe you want love but:

You are afraid to be vulnerable again, still healing from love gone wrong.
You don’t want to relinquish your freedom and prefer independence
You don’t want to go through “that” again, thinking every relationship will turn out exactly the same
You don’t have time to date, having filled every spare moment of your life
You don’t believe there are any good men left so wonder if you should even bother
You feel its all simply too difficult

I could fill pages with reasons like this – and you could too. It’s easy  and you can probably relate to many of these statements. Even though they aren’t true, they can FEEL true if you let them.

These are actually, excuses hiding your ambivalence. If you think that pursuing love and dating are useless, OF COURSE YOU DON’T WANT TO PUT YOUR TIME AND EFFORT INTO IT!

Often, your ambivalence is your own worst enemy. The human condition is to want to be right. Naturally we look for evidence that we are right. That means you will notice all the examples that prove your case and support your excuses.

On the other hand, when you believe finding love is a real possibility, you will see evidence to support this position. I can tell you from my own personal experience and the thousands of people I have coached, finding love is REAL. It happens every day.

When I was single and in my 30′s, did I believe this? Nope. Not for 18 years of my adult life. But when I turned 40 and freaked out to  still be single and never married, I knew something had to change.

The biggest shift I made was to DECIDE that it was time to believe in love. I focused fiercely on the truth that love existed and the right man was out there for me. I drowned my ambivalence and pushed it out of my life, replacing this with a firm insistence that I would find love and HE (the right man) would find me.

I can tell you – it worked.

And this has worked for countless women. Once you decide to work with me as your dating coach, I will tell you that to find love, you must believe. Chase the ambivalence away. Discover methods that you can use to hold your positive focus. Instill a sense of hope and deep knowing that all your efforts will bare fruit – MANifesting the love you want, long for and most definitely deserve.

If you need help to strengthen or even establish a belief in love, you could benefit from my audio: I Believe: Affirmations to Find Love Now. This audio program has three “meditations” of different lengths, all designed to strengthen and build your belief in love, belief in yourself, and belief that the right man for you is out there. The meditations use the Law of Attraction by applying affirmations to reach your subconscious mind – the place where all manifesting begins.

And it’s at a special price right now, but that will be changing at the end of this month. Get your audio program now when you click here.

Dating After Divorce: What Old Habits Are You Hanging on to?

Dating after divorce and over 40 can be trying to say the least. Now you have baggage that you didn’t have in your youth and have to get back out there encumbered by it. The singles scene is different than in your younger days and you might not know where to start or how things work today.

Sometimes the baggage you bring forward into your new dating life is a bunch of old habits. Things that happened over and over again in the past. Things that might not be true today, yet you still expect them to happen.

Here’s a crazy example from my life. My automatic garage door opener has been replaced thankfully. I just had a new one installed. The old one was very quirky and some days it would stop as it should automatically. Other days it would open too far and start freaking out, banging into the motor. Not good.

To insure this banging didn’t happen, I would stand near the button that opened the garage door and wait, in case I had to stop it. I did this routine for 10 years – crazy I know but something I just put up with. I had a solution that worked and used it.

After two weeks of enjoying the new door opener that works correctly, I still find myself waiting at the door to make sure it stops on its own. I do this even though I no longer have to. This silliness is left over and a deeply ingrained response that is obviously going to take time to change. Ridiculous, yes, but true nonetheless.

How does this apply to your dating life? My bet is, if you are dating after divorce or over 40, you too have ingrained responses to situations that have changed. And you have not yet adapted. Give it some thought right now. What are you still expecting to happen that has no real possibility of coming to true?

Here are  a few ideas to get you started thinking:

-Since your ex left, do you still  harbor hopes that he’ll return some day?
-Do you feel most men don’t follow through because so many haven’t over the years?
-Do you hope a knight in shining armor will save you so you don’t have to stick your neck out?
-Do you think all men are cheats and liars because one man behaved this way?
-Do you think all men are commitment phobic because the guy you dated in your 20′s wouldn’t marry you?

Holding on to these ways of thinking, these beliefs about men and dating hinders your success. When you choose to work with me as your dating coach, we will look for these road blocks. Continuing to wait for men to behave in any of these ways precludes you from meeting men who could fulfill your needs. Can you see the truth in this?

What’s the solution? Establish new expectations! Create new beliefs about men, love and dating. Look for positive examples among couples you know to prove other behaviors do exist. It’s time to let go of out dated expectations, habits, and thought patterns that no longer serve you.

Dating after divorce or dating over 40, it’s easy to hang on to expectations. But my hope as your dating coach is that you won’t allow this to continue.  Break free from your traditional expectations and habits and give yourself and men a fresh shot at love. You deserve it

Dating Over 40: Are You Irritated with Men?

Beth, one of my over 40 dating coaching clients is feeling  down about her dating journey. Things aren’t happening the way she’d like and frankly, so many men who contact her on Match.com are simply irritating.

I asked what she meant. “Well’, they wink, but don’t write. Or email but clearly haven’t read my profile. Or worse, they disappear or are just plain creepy!”

I sympathize with Beth. We all know how this can be. Beth is frustrated because she really wants to move on and find the right relationship and the men who contact her  are “truly awful and disheartening!”

Don’t focus on What You Don’t Want
While Beth’s feelings are understandable and justifiable, they are impeding her progress. Thinking this way sends out the wrong signals to the Universe and is self-sabotaging. She never looked at  her thought process this way before.  By focusing on these facts alone, she is allowing the Law of Attraction to bring her more of what she doesn’t want. Like attracts like  – that’s how it works.

Focus on What You Want
Think about it…when Beth is irritated with men, she sends the “vibe of  irritation” out into the cosmos. Not very attractive when you look at it this way is it? Instead, to use the Law of Attraction more effectively, Beth needs to concentrate on what she does want.

A Powerful Shift in Perspective Builds Magnetism
What will help Beth is to shift her perspective on these interactions with men. When you choose to work with me as your dating coach, you’ll see clearly how this makes a tremendous difference. For example, I coached Beth to recognize that these men, while not right for her, are showing their appreciation of her. They find her attractive and that is a good thing! She can use this to build her confidence, seeing these interactions as proof of her attractiveness.  

I tell my clients to silently thank any man who finds you attractive and them move on. Delete their emails, walk away or whatever. You don’t have to talk to these men or like them. Just appreciate being appreciated. This is a far more MAGNETIC way to process these situations and apply the Law of Attraction.

The more you appreciate yourself and focus on what is working in the dating arena and life in general, the more magnetic you will become. It may not be easy to make this shift – it will take time and effort. But the rewards are outrageous and highly worthwhile – MANifesting what you want in life, namely: love with the right man for you.

photo credit: mscaprikell

Online Dating: Can I Contact Men on Match or Is that HIS Territory?

Dear Ronnie,

I’m 45, divorce three years and ready to start meeting men!  I decided to try the online dating thing and have  question.

When on a dating site, such as Match.com, what is the etiquette about contacting men?  Should I just wait for men to connect with me, either through a wink or an email? Is it okay to send a quick “hello” message, or is that too much moving into the man’s territory being the pursuer?  I know your advice as a dating coach is against taking over the man’s role in dating, so I want to see what you have to say.

Thanks for your help!
Ready for Love

Dear Ready,

I tell my clients that contacting men is perfectly fine. I definitely think you  have to wait for men to contact you. Go for it!

This is not being forward or usurping a man’s right to pursue you – its being friendly! Same thing goes for talking to men at a bar, singles event or any where for that matter. You can always walk up to a man and strike up a conversation! Just don’t linger. Give him the space to come and find you later if he’s interested.

Same thing for online dating. Here are a few tips to keep things light and improve your chances of getting a response when trying web dating. These are the “Do’s”

Do’s
1. Keep your email to a sentence or two
2. Ask a question from something in his profile – this shows you’ve read it
3. Add a comment or compliment about something that struck you from his profile
4. Don’t waste time writing anything about you – that’s all in your profile
5. Don’t talk about how much you have in common – he’ll be the judge of that

Don’ts
1. Expect that every man will answer you
This has nothing to do with you – its just the way things are. After all, you don’t respond to every man, and if you do, please stop. That is a waste of your precious time.

2. Don’t email more than 2-3 men at a time
Things can get confusing with online dating. Make your life easy and don’t approach more than a few guys at time. This will make it much easier to keep track of who is who and also easier to converse. Do yourself a favor and don’t get overwhelmed and be too aggressive with your search.

3. Fall in love with a profile
It’s just a profile and frequently embellished or sometimes, sadly – fiction. You’ve got to email, talk on the phone and meet the guy to know if he’s who he says he is. This takes time. So don’t fall in love with how good he sounds on paper.

4. Don’t encourage pen pals
Unless you want a pen pal, beware of men who love to email you and text, but can’t seem to have phone conversations. Or they love to talk on the phone, but just can’t find time to meet you. I know people who have fallen for this and had virtual relationships for 6 months waiting to meet the person. It likely won’t happen!

5. Get all bummed out about rejection after every man you email.
Online dating involves a fair share of rejection. But that is just a part of the game.  Please don’t get all down in the dumps because some guys don’t follow through.  Online dating is a numbers game so keep going. There are more than 40 million singles online – how many have you met?

6. Get unrealistic with timing.
You have to collect a lot of data about a prospect to know if he’s good date or mate material.  Know this is a process and that every thing takes time. If you are in a hurry, count on lots of disappointment. Things don’t hurry up just because you feel the clock ticking or want it right now.

Of course, there is so much more I can share with you  and will in my next ebook begin written right now. Look for it this fall.

In the meantime – have fun! 20% of relationships today start on the Internet. Whether or not you decide to become a dating coaching client, these tips will help you find greater success online

Dating Over 40: Are You Ready to Be Cherished with Barb Scala

Are you ready to be cherished in a relationship?  This interview with Marilyn Graman, author of There Is No Prince and How to Be Cherished and myself was conducted by Barb Scala of www.bloomonline.com Barb is a delightful speaker, author and coach, helping women sprout our dreams and grow our lives.

The interview covers a lot of ground including a very interesting admission by Marilyn about her relationship with her husband. She talked about how she thought her husband would demonstrate his love by following her rules. While he did love her, he didn’t always follow her rules and she talks about how she reconciled this divergence. A huge discovery!

We also discussed what closes you off to love and the critical viewing of men that interferes with your relationship success.

I also spoke about how all love starts with self-love and how it’s so important to get your own loving energy moving to attract the love you want. It’s about an hour, but it’s worth every minute.

Here’s how you can listen: Click here, then scroll down to May 13th – Are You Ready to Be Cherished?

Happy Listening!

Dating Over 40: He’s 53 and Single – Is that a Red Flag?

Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach Is it truly a red flag when a man is 53 and has never been married? Please let me know what you think. Thanks, Super Curious Dear Super,

Well it depends. Here are some things that might help you know if he’s trouble or potential:

• Did he live with a woman for a long time?
• Was he engaged before but things didn’t work out.
• Does he have any long-term relationship history – what was his longest relationship?
• Does he live with his aging parents?
• Is he a happy bachelor who says he’s ready to settle down?

The last two make me feel uneasy.

However, date him if you like as long as you keep your eyes open and realize that all that glitters might not be gold. In other words, sometimes men are really good at playing a woman when they know exactly what she wants to hear. His words are not as meaningful as his actions. So here are a few things to watch for:

• Do his actions match his words?
• Does he follow through on his promises?
• Does he make a lot of excuses?
• Do you make excuses for him (Oh he’s so busy…he doesn’t have time to see me)
• Does he introduce you to his friends and family (not immediately this takes maybe 4-6 weeks)
• Do you ever go to his place?
• Does he see you both weekend nights?

Get the idea?

So keep your eyes and ears open in case additional red flags start to pop up. Observation is the key to any start up relationship. Who knows, maybe you found a good man. There are so many variables, I’m sorry I can’t give you a completely straight answer on this one. Just watch and see what you learn about him and if any other red flags show up – think twice before getting in deeper.

Wishing you love,

Ronnie

Dating After Divorce: I Don’t Want to Raise More Kids – Should I Leave Now?

Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach, I am divorced. I met a very nice man through a friend. In the beginning we spoke online for hours. We began to get together, meeting at the beach to talk. After two months, he asked me out to dinner and he paid. Four months later, he expects both of us to share the cost our nights out. For example, if he bought dinner, he expects me to pay for the movie. I have not complained. I hadn’t dated for years so I thought it was normal. Then in one of our many conversations, we discussed children. I have two teenagers and explained that I do not wish to have more. He was understanding but felt my “No” meant maybe. He has two children as well 4 and 7. Four months into a relationship, he tells me his children are moving in with him. I was shocked. I do not want to raise small children all over again. I already did that with my own.  Should I end this relationship now before it gets more serious?

Nervous in Tucson

Dear Nervous,

There is a lot going on in this email and I’m not exactly sure what the priority is regarding your question.

Is it normal for a man to expect you to contribute to your dates after four months? Absolutely. Had you asked me earlier in the process of dating this guy, I would have pointed out that meeting him in a park is not only a safety risk initially, but speaks to his not having much money for dating.

However, his financial situation might not really be a concern of yours. If he’s a good person and supports himself, then that can be enough for many women. In this day and age with more equality between the sexes, sharing the costs is to be expected after the first two to three dates. Or sometimes the man picks up the check and you treat him to something else.

But if a man doesn’t start out treating you to dinners, you can’t expect him to suddenly start paying for everything. Men are at their very best during the first three dates. What you see is what you get and it doesn’t get better.

Regarding the child situation, that’s another ball game. Whether or not he thought you meant maybe, he’s got kids and now they will be living with him. Do you think they might grow on you? If you want nothing to do with young kids, he’s probably not the right man for you. These decisions are very tough, but you are on target when you say better to leave now then six months from now.

Make a clean break and look for another man who is free from his child-rearing years. In addition, you might want to learn about dating protocol and what works best today.

In my book, MANifesting Mr. Right, I have an entire section on “Dating Protocol” which will help you understand things like who should pay, dating roles for men and women, red flags to watch for, a dating report card  and so much more. You can get a downloadable ebook , paperback or audio on CD.

In any way format, you’ll get the same great insights, wisdom and tips on dating that will help you find the right man for you.

Wishing you love,

Ronnie – The Dating Coach

Dating: Geri Brin Seeks Love for Her Son, Colby on the Today Show

Did you see the Today Show yesterday? Geri Brin and her son Colby were on discussing his Mom’s efforts to find him a mate. Mom, Geri Brin from www.FabOver50.com who has a blog on the site, has started a section of the website for Mom’s who want to set their kids up.

She was asked, “Is this meddling Mom, setting your son up and creating a website?” Geri says “No.” Personally, I think its a great way to get publicity for her website and blog which does look pretty good. But quite frankly, it makes her son look like an idiot. Does he have any mind of his own? I’d be wary of a guy who is 31 and let’s his Mom pick out his dates.

Perhaps its just his 15 minutes of Andy Warhol fame.

He sounded OK – after all, he says he does fish on his own, but if his Mom finds some great women, why not? He dates about one in three of her matches.

Colby talked about the last date she set him up on – a very attractive woman but he dropped the ball and didn’t follow up.

What! He didn’t even follow up with a woman who is VERY ATTRACTIVE? Hey, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. Hello, can you say testosterone? Where is yours?

Well, I guess you can’t blame a Mom for trying right? Good for you Geri. Maybe now that Colby’s been on national TV, your son will grow a set and find a good woman to settle down with.

Dating After Divorce: Did He Dump Me Because of ED?

Dear  Ronnie – The Dating Coach,

Several years ago I went through a painful divorce and didn’t  date for at least 18 months   But recently,  I met a man that I was so crazy about, as I read your blog I realized all the mistakes I made. I should have discovered you sooner.

Long story short, after chatting with Mr. CrazyAbout we finally agreed to meet. I was smitten from the start and my feelings were confirmed when we did meet for coffee and  a walk.  I held his hand while we walked to see if he would respond and he did. That lead to more sparks, we kissed and it was magic.

I focused on his behavior more than his words and to be honest he seemed at the time to go out of his way to please me. By the 4th date he met me for lunch at my home and we ended up in the bedroom. Then the unpredictable happened, Mr. CrazyAbout couldn’t maintain an  erection which made him feel horrible. I didn’t know what to do.

We did go out again, but then he called me to say he was moving and had too much going on. He just wants to be friends. I feel horrible!!! Did I come on too strong? Does he not want to see me because of ED and feeling humiliated?

I am crazy about this man and I know he will never call back  I just want to learn from this dreadful experience.

Thanks  for your help and insights,
Sad, guilty and confused

Dear SGC,

Please keep in mind that while you might have played things differently, you are not at fault for your date’s ED. Does he not want to see you because he’s humiliated? Maybe. Who knows? Maybe his job is a problem, maybe he has other issues you don’t even know about.

While you really liked him and had sparks flying, you didn’t really know him. Just a tiny piece that seemed
good. But believe me, if he really was the right man, he wouldn’t have ended things.

It Takes Time to Get to Know a Man
This is often the hardest concept for women to grasp. Yet, when you do really “get” this, you will stop wasting time or beating yourself up over the wrong guy. Instead, you will be sad for a short time and then quickly move on to find a better man who is the right one for you.

Coming on Too Strong
Did you came on too strong? Well, that’s another story. Here’s my simplest answer – dating is like ballroom dancing.

You can only have one leader and one follower. And it works best to let the man lead – a lot less awkward. Same thing goes for dating – the first 4-10 dates – until you know you have an unspoken Saturday night date. That’s when you enter into the first phase of relationship.

Sounds like you did some leading. Overall, dating works much better when you let the man lead so you can observe his behavior to find out how interested he really is in you. This is the ONLY way to know for sure and it takes more than four dates. How often does he call and want to see you on his own? What will he do to win you over?

When you prompt or lead him, you can no longer observe what he would do on his own. This is the area I call dating protocol which I help my dating coaching clients to master. Here are two other articles on this topic that go into more detail: Please drop the ball and 2 reasons not to chase men

Sparks Don’t Indicate Good Relationship
Lastly, women often think sparks and chemistry are signs of the right man, but that is only a portion of the test. He must be able to handle conflict, treat you well, be willing to discuss and work things out, share the same values and much more.

You may have had chemistry, but he didn’t have the needed follow through – so he’s not the right man. It’s really that simple.

The good news is – the right man for you is out there. Do what you can to release any guilt and recover from the sadness. Then, what I tell my dating coaching clients is to get back out there to meet a man who is truly right for you.

Wishing you love,
Ronnie Ann Ryan – The Dating Coach

photo credit: Vlad B

Dating Over 40: Do You Find Dating as Annoying as Mosquito Bites?

Some of my dating coaching clients think dating is totally annoying.

They don”t like:
-the process
-the men they meet
-the Internet
-the dances
-to play games
-wasting time meeting people

Do you feel this way too? Can you related to this? If you said “Yes,” I’m not  surprised. I hear these feelings expressed all the time in my dating coaching practice.

Let me tell you why this is a problem of tremendous proportions.

If you find the entire dating process annoying, then it has no intrinsic value. So you won’t feel like doing it. You might think that it’s all a big waste of time and not important. If you could just meet the right man and get it all over with, that would be so much better!

Boiling it down to the essence: You have a negative attitude before you even meet anyone.  Starting off  negative is guaranteed to produce…  more negativity which is not very attractive based on the Law of Attraction. At least not attractive to anything positive. With a negative attitude about men and dating, feeling the whole thing is as annoying as mosquito bites, maybe 100 times more, who do you think you are going to attract?

Annoying men. That’s right! Because “like attract likes” with the Law of Attraction.

So what’s the solution? Let me tell you a story and once you hear the whole thing, you’ll get a better feeling for how you can shift this at least into neutral.

Over the weekend I went to an outdoor evening party. I wore long sleeves and long pants, so I was mostly covered, but I sprayed my part on the top of my head with a natural bug repellent. The mosquitoes were voracious, but I thought I had escaped.

No such luck. Monday morning when I put on my sneakers to exercise, the darn bites came to life all around my ankles where the sneakers rubbed. It felt like fire itching beyond belief. Did I take off my sneakers and not exercise? Of course not! I am committed to my exercise routine. 100%

I started walking down the street and the only thing I could think of was those bites. Itchy, itchy, itchy! Could I really walk for 30-minutes? No choice really, I’m not going to give up exercise because of a few bites. I hoped it would pass.

I began thinking about other things. Topics I actually preferred to ponder and give my energy too. Planning workshops and speaking gigs the upcoming fall season, writing on my blog, remembering how much fun the party was.

Guess what happened? When I stopped thinking about the bug bites, they stopped being front and center in my mind. And finally the horrible itching subsided. I became desensitized to the bites!

Now, let’s take the next step – or leap – and apply this to dating. When you think dating is annoying and focus on that, you experience dating as pretty darn annoying. Guaranteed as I mentioned above. Yet, if you are committed to the process because finding love is that important in your life, you accept that you will do the work any way because you are 100% committed.

You become more relaxed,  friendlier and even start enjoying meeting men and your dating activities. Sometimes, it might still feel annoying. But you see it’s just part of the process. Knowing that there is no other way to find love today then to date, you accept dating as your means to an end and become desensitized to every little nuance that you encounter.

With an accepting and committed attitude, you are more positive because you know you are doing this for a purpose – to find love! You are determined to keep on going until you find it. And find it you will!

Dating may be as annoying as mosquito bites, but only if you hold that as your focus. Choose to focus instead on what you want and how you’ll feel with the right man. Sexy, alive and cherished. Or however you imagine the essence of love will feel. Go for it! The annoyance will pass and you will meet a good man. I found love over 40 and that makes me totally sure you can do it too.

photo credit: Trebol-a

Dating Over 40: Do I Need a Femininity Makeover?

Hey Ronnie!

My question:
My attractive, sexy, therapist neighbor just told me he thought I was gay. GAY! As a single woman in her 50′s trying to find (heterosexual) love, and a man like him (he’s married, so, not him), I was devastated! I obviously am not putting out the ‘available’ vibe to men. I don’t know what to do!

My neighbor said, he based his assumption on my stocky body type and short hair. Plus,  my neighborhood happens to have a significant lesbian population, and I live alone. Guess he never saw me, with my ex who is a man!

What can I do? I try to dress fashionably and femininely. What can I do to increase my femininity and ”I”m available vibe”?

Thank you SO much for any help/insight you can give me,
Looking Too Butch

Dear Looking,

Wow – that’s quite a story.

I understand how you feel. Many of my dating coaching clients have encountered shockers like this that launched them in a new direction regarding their allure and dating life. What they found is how they may have denied their own feminine allure for a variety of reasons and how easy it can be to shift your image and change things for the better.

By the way, your neighbor is a therapist? Perhaps he needs some additional training. First topic for his refresher course is verbal editing! What kind of thing is that to say to someone any way?

To be very honest with you, at 40, when I finally did start to date again and look for the right man for me, I had a good friend, I man I used to work with who told me the same thing. He based this idea soley on one thing – that he never saw me date a man, nor did I talk about dating to  him. That comment shocked  the heck out of me too!

Since this exchange has shaken you up, let’s get some insight for you on Feminine Charm:
First and foremost, your femininity is not based on just your body type and hair. It  also involves your attitude about yourself. For example:

 -Do you wear clothes that help you look your feminine best?
-Do you feel that you are appealing and desirable to men? (besides your neighbor)
-Are you connected to your allure?
-Do you flirt with men? 
-Are you militant about your independence?

All of these questions can help you determine where the gap might be for you. If you think your neighbor has a valid view point, then you might want to do something to kick things up a notch as Emeril Lagasse the chef says.

If his comment has prompted you to take  a fresh look at yourself  and your ideas on men, dating and your own personal presentation, then it has certainly served a purpose.

To get in touch with your feminine allure and tap into the Goddess within you, You might want to purchase my audio program on CD – I’m So Alluring. This audio program delivers a wonderful visualization you can listen to in your own home while relaxing, along with the instructions and an explanation of why this type of thing works. And it does work!

I’ll be putting up a new page about the program soon, so stay tuned for more information!

Dating After Divorce: I’m Dating Dr. Jekyll, But Don’t Like Mr. Hyde

Here’s a question that shows up more frequently that you might imagine. That’s why I want to share it with you – in case you too might be going through something similar.

Dear Ronnie the Dating Coach

I’ve been dating a 41-yr old man since last December. He pursued me while I was living in far away. Now we live in the same city and see each more often. Every time we get together, the chemistry is amazing. He even says how much he likes me and feels deeply connected. the problem is  that a few days later, he completely rejects the whole idea of a relationship and backs away. It’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – he becomes the total opposite of who he is when he is with me.

His excuses are ever evolving – first he wasn’t ready. Nnw he says he  doesn’t get enough butterflies when we’re apart. The problem is he keeps his distance and I sense his fear of commitment. His wife left him 2 years ago and he’s been up and down like a rollercoaster every since.

He tells me how much he cares about me and he won’t fully dump me. Yet reacts almost irrationally when there are a few days between visits. I don’t know what to do because I like him and I know he likes me, and our chemistry is hard to find. He has even admitted this to me.

I know the answer for myself is to let this go. But it’s hard when I know he still has feelings for me. I wish I could understand his inconsistent behavior, and then, have some resolution in myself to be able to move on and get over the longing that I have for him.

Please help,
 Tired of Dating  Dr. J
************

Dear Tired,

I totally understand what you are saying about this guy. And you may not like my advice, but since you did ask this dating coach, I’m going to tell you what I think.

As I would say to any dating coaching client who asked me this question, I want to simply confirm your own feelings about your man. I recommend that you let him go. That is the only solution because you cannot change anyone. And he is not emotionally available, regardless of your great chemistry.

In addition, chemistry is not enough to hold a relationship together – it takes Emotional Maturity – something he may be lacking; Commitment – something he isn’t capable of right now; and the Desire  to make it work. Your desire isn’t enough for the both of you.

Also keep in mind that Dr. Jekyll will always come as a package deal with Mr. Hyde. They are inseparable because they are the same man. This might be what adds to the chemistry and excitement because you are kept on your toes, never quite knowing who will show up.

He won’t let go because he knows you are a great catch and possibly because he just can’t be alone. But his yoyo-ing is very bad for your self-esteem.  When a man doesn’t know what he wants, the woman suffers who tries to hang in there. I’ve been down this same road myself. And it took me 18 years to recover! Don’t let that happen to you.

Dont wait for him to dump you – let go of him because he is not ready. And therefore, he must not be the right guy for you. Someone else is out there for you. You deserve a man who is ready for a relationship, treats you well, is rational vs. irrational and knows a good thing like you when he sees it.

Wishing you love,
Ronnie – The Dating Coach

photo credit: newhousedesign

Dating Over 40: How to Trust the Universe to Deliver Love

Yesterday was a tough one. I had a very big business disappointment in which an exciting partnership dissolved. We were going along smoothly, and then suddenly it was over. Just like that.

Just like the way it can be when dating a man.

As a professional dating coach, I constantly see parallels between dating situations and the rest of life. Even though I’ve been happily married now for 10 years, these analogies show up frequently, keeping how it feels to be on the dating journey for my clients, and what I personally went through, alive and vibrant in my mind.

So what do you do after a huge disappointment?
How do you handle the shock and shake it off?
How do you start the  healing process?

I write in my journal and like to walk. After I hung up the receiver from speaking with my now defunct partner, I felt I had to be close to the earth. Knowing that the CT heatwave was blazing outside my door didn’t deter me. I had to walk in my backyard. So out I went, walking in the grass, looking at the flowers and connecting to nature. That was step one. Keeping myself grounded and holding onto to any sort of balance I could.

I knew how this kind of disappointment could affect me. But would I let myself slide down to that dark inner place where I’ve spent time before in this type of situation? I don’t want to go there any more. A strong desire to work through things in a new way kept me moving. Managing your energy is crucial for the Law of Attraction to work its magic.

Later, at 8:30pm, I drove to the beach to take another walk. For me, the ocean (OK Long Island Sound) is very healing. I strolled on the wet sand just below the water line, noticing the beach debris at my feet. Looking out at the hazy, post-sunset horizon, the water was calm which soothed my spirit.

The air  was still so hot and sticky, I didn’t want to stay long and decided to walk to the edge of a fence as my destination. Then I went a few steps further, because I felt like it.

That’s when I saw it. Writing in the sand. All capital letters about two inches high scraped into the wet sand safely above the water’s edge. TRUST – that’s the word. I was taken aback to say the least. I looked around to see who could have done this? Who put this message on the beach for me? But there was no one to be found any where nearby.

Obviously some human left this message. But I couldn’t find the author.

When I returned home, telling the story to my husband helped it gel in my mind.

Trust. Trust what? Not my defunct partner? The rug had been yanked and firmly removed. So that wasn’t it. Who else should I trust? My husband suggested I should trust myself. Not a bad thought. Some real wisdom there and good advice. Trusting our own instincts is crucial to survival. Recovering from a big shake up like this requires self-esteem and trust in one’s own judgment.

But still I felt the message was bigger. TRUST with all capital letters… Trust in the UNIVERSE. Trust in the bigger picture, the one I don’t have the perspective to see. For I do not know what is yet to unfold and how things will work out. But when I trust in the Universe, I can feel calm and have that sense of knowing that of course everything is working out for the best

1. My business partner was not the right partner for me. If it had been right, we would still be partners.
2. Another partner, a better partner  is out there. Another truth to trust in.
3. Something better for my business is on its way to me. I must remain open and believe that good things are possible so that I can remain ready to receive.

Do you see the parallels between my story as a business person and dating coach and yours as a dater?

As I turn this over in my mind and work through it to move to a better place, I share the process with you, hoping that you will find solace in it. And,  that you can use a similar process to work through your own disappointments more quickly, allowing you to trust again and stay open to what is still available.

The right partner is out there
Love does exist for you
Everything is a matter of timing
Keep your belief strong and trust in yourself and the Universe to deliver.

Attitude is everything. That’s how the Law of Attraction works. Like attracts like. The quicker I can recover and trust that what is mine is coming to me, the faster I can attract the right business situation. And the quicker you can attract the love you want and deserve.

photo credit: Cougar studio

Dating After Divorce: He’s Nice, Generous, Good Looking, But I Don’t Love Him.

Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach,

I’ve been dating this man for 4 years. After 6 months of dating him, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. He stayed with me through chemo, baldness, and radiation. He is a very kind, caring, and generous man. He fixes things around my condo. He has grown children and we get along fine.  He is nice, decent looking, gives good advice  and is my age – 60.

There are some things that make me wonder if he is the best I can get. He is on the quiet and boring side, although he likes to go and do stuff. He does not have much to say on the phone.

I don’t feel it for him. He is kind, but I’m not excited about him. He is not sophisticated or get social etiquette. He eats while the rest of us converse during a meal.  He repeats and continues talking and obsessing after I’ve stopped talking about something. He has a very messy small house in a neighborhood I don’t like and he tends to hoard things which is why I’m concerned about a future with him. And the sex is ho hum.

We only seen each other on the weekends. During a school week I’m too tired to have him over. I don’t want to have sex nor do I want to entertain during the week. He comes over Saturday afternoon and sleeps over til Monday. I like being a couple. I like having company on the weekend.

I wish I was in love or loved him. I’m not sure what being in love means. I know lust. I know being excited about someone. I don’t want to be single. I prefer going through life with a companion.  A lot of my girlfriends are dating. They don’t find anyone , they have difficulty. I know, I’ve been there. I’ve never had anyone that has worked out. Even my ex husband who I was married to for 21 years. I miss a man with that outgoing personality.

Anyway, I need to know what makes a good relationship. I know no one is perfect. Do I stay or do I go. I’d like to get married at some point, but fear him getting on my nerves and being annoying.

Thanks for your insights,
Unsatisfied in Sarasota

Dear Unsatisfied,

This is not an easy answer for several reasons. Let me start by saying that love is not lust. And often lust doesn’t turn into a relationship. More frequently its just lust and dissipates as quickly as it showed up.

Second, you have found a man who loves you, stuck by you when things were tough, is loyal and consistent. He’s caring generous, fixes things, is good looking, your age and still has sex. Most of your descriptions sounds pretty good to me. I’m not sure  you value the things that are going well in your relationship. Sometimes the grass looks greener…

He does some things that annoy you – I bet you do some things that annoy him too. We all experience this – that’s what a relationship is – learning to compromise and be flexible.

Third, you don’t want to socialize during the week, even with your boyfriend of four years. This is a stumbling block if you want to find a new man. I think its amazing you have found a man who will put up with a weekend only relationship. Many men wouldn’t.

Maybe he isn’t the right man to marry. Maybe he is – I can’t say. But, considering your current circumstances, sounds like he fits into your life quite nicely.  Since you don’t want to see him during the week, maybe you don’t really want to live with someone and be bothered by daily life with a man. That makes me question your desire for marriage.

Is there someone better out there? Hard to say. It’s possible. But do you have the time or desire to do what’s needed to find a new guy? Would you prefer a more interesting man who was great in bed, but slept around, drank, was cheap and wouldn’t commit?

I recommend spending time figuring out the answers to these questions. I wouldn’t make any changes or jump to any conclusions until you determine that what you have isn’t good enough AND are willing to invest time and money to find another.

The dating journey is really one where you get to know yourself – what you want, what works and what you are willing to  do to get what you want. I advise figuring this out first, then go from there. Knowing what you want is the first step.  And feeling grateful for what you do have can sometimes make the grass at your feet greener right before your eyes

Wishing you love,

Your dating coach – Ronnie

Dating Over 40: Fireworks – A Heart Opening Exercise for July 4th

Are you tired of celebrating your independence? Are you looking for love? Here’s a great exercise to help you open your heart to love and find the fireworks you long for with the right man. Last night’s fireworks for the Fourth will help you in this fun visualization exercise.

Close your eyes and take three deeps slow breaths.  Let the air completely fill your lungs and abdomen.  Feel your body relaxing with every new breath you take and let go of your cares and worries of the day as you exhale.

Imagine a beautiful night sky.  The color is a deep rich blue that stretches as far as the eye can see.  It has a depth to it that you have never noticed before, as if you get a true feeling for the incredibly expansive space that lies beyond the simple beauty.

The sky continues to darken as the evening sunset completely dissipates.  The added darkness makes the stars pop and twinkle with incredible brilliance, dancing across the vastness before you.

This is a night of celebration and you are ready to enjoy a grand display of fireworks that will soon fill the sky.  The anticipation is enlivening because you know the festivities are in honor of abundance and opportunity; energy and expansiveness.  You feel totally relaxed, yet filled with the tingling expectancy of what is about to happen.

As the first wick is lit, you hear the rush of the rocket speeding upwards to the stars.  The rocket bursts wide open exposing the brilliant sparkling bits of color that dazzle the night sky.  At first the display is slow, and one by one the fireworks explode with color and vibrancy.  Then things start to take off with many explosions occurring simultaneously, ever expanding as the colors change and spread out to completely permeate your view.

You come to a slow realization that opening your heart to love is like the fireworks.  At first your heart may be tightly packed from old wounds, dashed hopes, and disappointments.   But as time marches forward and you work on healing, you can shift to opening your heart and expanding it once again.  This process gets you ready energetically for a loving relationship.  When your heart is open, you have the chance to connect with people at a deep level.

As the fireworks continue to race upwards and burst wide open, a deep sense of calm knowing within you feels like the time is now.  You are truly ready, prepared and geared up for love.  You feel your heart open and allow the vastness and incredible abundance of the Universe to embrace you.

This experience fills your senses completely.  And suddenly you realize that you, like the fireworks are ready to expand and reach out – like a fountain of sorts.  But instead of fizzling and dissipating like fireworks, your fountain continues to flow in a radiant, glowing stream of color and light.  This is dramatic proof of the abundance and never ending supply of energy that the Universe has to offer you.

This endless abundance is also true for potential romantic partners.  There have never before been so many opportunities to meet single people who want a relationship.  Let those fireworks shine the light on prospects who are ready too and want what you want.  You have the ability to meet lots of potential partners until you find the one that is right for you.  It is simply a matter of time.  There is no other alternative but that you will find love.  This is as certain  as the stars twinkling in the night sky night after night.

As the display comes to an end, allow these good feelings to wash over you.  Breathe them in and remember how this experience felt.  You are connected to that endless abundance of the Universe and are one with it.  You are a part of it and it is a part of you.  Hold onto the expansiveness and your open heart as you go forth with your day or evening.  Feel yourself like the fountain of bright light sparkling and recognize your true magnetism.  What is yours will come and is already on the way.  Be thankful and know it is so.

photo credit: chrislrmo

Online Dating: How Do I Weed Out the Unsavory Types?

Dear Dating Coach,

“Every time I meet someone on a dating website, they turn out to be completely opposite of what I read about them. There are also a lot of creepy people on them also. How do I weed them out?”

Missing the Mark is Missouri

Dear Missing,

Thanks for your question. Sorry to hear that folks seem different than their profiles. The problem is that most people don’t really know how to describe themselves and usually the vast majority of online profiles sound surprisingly similar. That’s why I help a lot of dating coaching clients write their profiles – so they can stand out from the crowd and get noticed more quickly.

Not sure what your “weeding” process looks like so it’s hard to comment on how to improve it. The trick is to read between the lines, email a few times, talk on the phone once or twice and meet for an hour.

I totally understand how you feel. This is exactly  the kind of thing I do with my dating coaching clients who have felt like you  do. We work on creating a system to qualify prospects before meeting them.  And what clients have found is that with a few changes and some new savvy about the process, they get much better at reading between the lines and weeding men out who are not appropriate.

You do need to keep in mind that in order to find your prince, you will need to weed through a lot of frogs. That’s just how it works and there’s no way around it. But you will learn a tremendous amount about yourself, what you are looking for and what will work for you as you move through the process with your eyes, heart and mind open to men and love.

Sometimes women think the dating process should be really quick and easy since you can just pick the right man from the “online catalog” of match.com. (That’s a great post to read.) Unfortunately, that’s not so realistic. It takes time, patience, faith and the ability to laugh and stay light-hearted!

Don’t let yourself get down about it all. Keep in mind that every man you meet brings you one man closer to the right one for you. He’s out there I know it. I found love. So many of my clients  have found love. And what that means is you too can find love.

Let me know if I can help!

photo credit: frankartculinary

Dating After Divorce: School’s Out for Summer! Get Your Social Life Moving

So it’s the last day of June and everyone is finally done with school for the year. Now let the fun begin! That means mom’s too!

What will you do on your “summer vacation”? What new things will you try? What new places will you visit? Who will you meet?

Try this exercise right now”

Imagine that it’s Labor Day and you are looking back over the entire  summer.
What did you learn?
What do you wish you had done differently?
Did you have fun?
Did you meet new people?
Did you talk to lots of men?
Did you flirt and leverage your feminine charm?
How do you feel now?
Any regrets?

This is a very powerful exercise. Particularly true if you don’t want to look back with regrets. Summer is THE TIME FOR SOCIALIZING! Are you making plans? Calling friends, Searching the web and newspaper for local singles events you can attend? You better be!

When you choose me as dating coach, count on me to hold your feet to the romance fire. You are accountable and responsible for  your own summer enjoyment. That means if you want something to happen, get out there! Start planning. Meet new friends. Go to BBQs, the beach, the park. Walk, jog, bike, kayak. and more than anything else, smile and be friendly to EVERYONE.

If you live in the  northern part of the country, warm weather only comes around once a year. don’t let it slick through your fingers like you have in the past. The clock is ticking on your romantic life.

Wouldn’t you love to look back at a ton of fun?
Wouldn’t you feel good knowing you took a shot and got out there?
Wouldn’t you be happy with yourself if you tried at least three new things?
Wouldn’t you be thrilled to have had 5 dates with new men?

You can do it!

This summer belongs to you. Use it wisely. Make it all worthwhile. Take a few calculated risks to move your social life ahead.

No guts, no glory girlfriend. Yes, I am most definitely talking to you. Yes You!

Take out a sheet of paper and make a list right now of five things you will try. Promise yourself and me, your dating coach, that you will do everything in your power to make them come true.

You are in charge. Take advantage of your freedom and sex appeal babe. Use it or lose it.

Tick tock.

photo credit: Claudia_Ar

Dating Over 40: Five Ways to Stay Motivated on the Dating Journey

Have you been dating a long time? Maybe half your adult life? Maybe two years?  For some, even six months can feel like forever. I understand. As your dating coach, I can tell you that I’ve been where you are and so have most of my clients. so how do you keep things fresh and light-hearted when you feel tired of the whole thing?

Here is a list of five ways to stay positive and motivated on your dating journey:

1. Take a break if you need one
Yup, its important to give yourself a short breather if that’s what you feel will make the shift. I believe in trusting your instincts, so if you want to stop and take a break for a couple of weeks, no problem. But don’t let this go on for too long because non-dating inertia is a hard thing to overcome. Once you lose momentum and the clock keeps ticking, sometimes this alone can prove even more de-motivating. So keep the break as brief as makes sense.

2. Use affirmations to strengthen your belief and resolve
Last week I wrote a couple of posts about creating affirmations and the Law of Attraction. Affirmations are positive statements, said in the present tense as if they are happening now. For example: I am open to meeting new people and am attracting the right man for me now. Say these statements through out the day to boost your morale and  help you keep your belief strong and alive.

3. Every man you meet brings you one man closer to the right one
It’s impossible to know ahead of time how many men you will need to meet to find the right one. But one thing you do know is every man you meet, regardless of whether or not he’s the right one, brings you one step closer. think about that and let it bring you  the solace you need to keep going.

4. Lighten up and just meet new people
Take the pressure off. Just be happy to meet new people. That way if you meet a string of guys who disappoint you or are nice but not for you, you can find a way to enjoy each encounter. This is an excellent practice for maximizing the number of people you know. The more you know, the more chances of meeting one of his friends, relatives, colleagues, etc who just might be the right man! Stop worrying about whether each guy is the  one you’ve been looking for. Relax and you’ll be a lot more fun and magnetic for love.

5. Remember there’s only one reason to go through this journey
That’s right, only one reason. What is it? That YOU WILL MEET THE RIGHT MAN OF COURSE! Otherwise, going through all this learning, motivating, dating, meeting people serves no purpose. That doesn’t make any sense now does it? Nope!

So you must be doing this because you are on your way to finding the love you want. How’s that for a new positive philosophy? It worked for me, let me tell you! There were days when I wondered what I was doing. But then I’d sit back, get a grip on my emotional nature and realize – this experience serves no purpose unless its to meet Mr. Right. I did and so can you!

Do whatever you have to to stay positive and keep moving forward. As my matchmaker friend Nicole of C0mpatibles in Vermont says, “No one looks back after finding love and says, “Wow, what a waste of time that was!” Good point Nicole. Thank you.

Dating Over 40: 3 Ways to Apply the Law of Attraction to MANifest Love

This is the third in a series about the Law of Attraction – the Universal Principle that states “Like attracts like.” This principle works from an energetic perspective – how your energy pattern vibrates or the non-verbal messages you send out into the Universe. As your dating coach, I share these tips to help you find the love you want as quickly as possible.

For the Law of Attraction to work, the idea is that you must raise your vibration to the level of what you desire. In other words, if you want a loving relationship, you must believe you can have it and demonstrate loving behavior on your own. This is how you embody the energy and raise yours to match what you want.

Now, here are three exercises or methods that will  help you accomplish this! You can use all five or pick your favorite. The key is to use whatever one you choose or all of them with consistency. Consistent application of these exercises will definitely elevate your vibration, making you more attractive to what you want.

1. Write your affirmations with a pen into a special manifesting notebook. You can also type, but I prefer the pen in hand. Listen to happy music while doing this. The idea is to feel good while writing your affirmation to be more magnetic.  Fill a page or write for 15 minutes, which ever feels best. Thanks to Terry Hernon MacDonald for this method – she used it to meet her husband. You can read about all of her methods  here.

2. Develop a song or chant out of your affirmation. This is what I did to MANifest my husband.  You can write your own music if you’re a creative type or redo lyrics to a favorite song. When I used this technique, I sang the affirmation all the time – in the shower, washing dishes, on my walk in the early morning (OK I stopped when people passed me by so they couldn’t hear).

Its been my experience that this works best when moving your body and exercise adds to the vibrational lift. With  or without exercise,  sing until your heart fills, until your smile is contagious. This works! You know its working when the song just pops into your head on its own.

3. Create a “Treasure Map” which is a visual representation of your affirmation. it should illustrate how you’ll feel with the right man and what you’ll do together. It can include words that describe him, how you’ll feel as well as photos. Don’t show a man’s face – its not a particular man – its your right guy. We don’t’ know what he looks like . You can show a silhouette of a man or lovers and the back of a man if you like.

Put the complete treasure map in  a place you pass by regularly so you can see it often. The point is to visually stimulate the feelings to elevate your vibration.  If you are a visual person, this works really well.

Of course there are many other ways to apply the Law of Attraction, but there are three good ones to get you started. to learn more about powerful MANifesting techniques, chapter seven in my book MANifesting Mr. Right has 4 more ideas for you. Get your own copy now and happy MANifesting!

Dating Over 40: Create an Affirmation to Leverage the Law of Attraction

Have you created an affirmation about love yet? Working with me as your dating coach, That’s one of the first things we do. It’s easy really. Here’s how you can do it to start attracting the love you want today.

1. Think about the qualities you want in your romantic partner. Is he happy, successful, supportive, communicative, social, healthy, and a good listener? Maybe he’s got a generous heart, he’s spiritual or romantic? What ever qualities you want in a partner, make a list and include everything you can think of.

2. Can’t think of what you want but sure know what you don’t want? That works too! For example, if you dated a man who was cheap and don’t want that again, then ask for a man who is generous. If you dated a guy who was dishonest, you now want an honest man. If you dated a guy who was never around and wouldn’t talk about things, then you want a guy who is available and communicative. Turn what you don’t want around to be what you do want.

3. Now that your list is complete, take a moment to relax and center yourself. Read the list of all the great qualities you are looking for – this is your MANifesting list. Next, close your eyes and imagine it’s all true! Imagine that you have found each other. How does that feel? Suspend all judgment about whether or not this is possible. Simply believe it is for this moment and connect with the emotions around it. How would you feel?

Make sure the words you choose aren’t too simple like “good” or wonderful”. Think about emotive words such as “ecstatic, blessed, loved, cherished, blissful,  lucky, sexy”. Push yourself to choose words that are very descriptive because this customizes the affirmation specifically to you. How you feel about the right man is what matters most and makes this exercise powerful.

4. Finish this sentence: With the right man for me, I feel __________, _______, and _________. Just pick three or four, no more. You want to capture the essence of how great it feels.

That’s it! You’ve done it – the first step to MANifesting the right man for you. When you choose to work with me as your dating coach, I will help you refine your affirmation statements to get the best results. You’ll see how easy this process can be as you hear the affirmations and feel great when they sink into your subconscious mind and go out into the Universe.

That’s how the Law of attraction works – with like attracting like. So when you shift your beliefs and energy to feel how good you’ll feel with the right man, you are now vibrating at the level you desire. That means you can now attract the love you want!

 Check back tomorrow  for how to use this affirmation to apply the Law of Attraction to your love life.

photo credit: atmtx

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