Singles in America Survey

According to the second annual Singles in America Survey conducted on behalf of Match.com, only 12.7% of singles today are actively looking for a relationship! Can you believe that?

As a dating coach for women, I find this number shocking. And yet, maybe not when I really think about it. Over the last 10 years I’ve heard it all so here’s another statistic that more accurately reflects my professional experience. Nearly half of American singles (46.8%) would “consider” a relationship if they met the right person. However, they aren’t doing anything about it!

I cannot tell you how many people don’t want to be bothered looking for love. They claim they don’t know where to look or how to get started, or even more amazing, don’t know how to be friendly with the opposite sex.

Sadly, this is the statistic I see play out which explains why so many women and men remain single.

If you are one of these people who would like to have love in your life, but aren’t motivated to seek it out, let me share an extremely important fact:

Love isn’t like spontaneous combustion, bursting into flames on its own. Even with Valentine’s Day approaching, Cupid doesn’t simply draw his bow to magically bring love to your doorstep. If you want love, YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING TO FIND IT!

I call this the Lazy Lover Syndrome and while I knew it was prevalent, I had no idea that nearly half the US population felt this way. Even last night I spoke with a client who asked me why she had to flirt and be friendly. After all, isn’t it the man’s job to pursue her?

There it is in a nutshell – Lazy Lover Syndrome. “Why do I have to do anything?” There is an incredibly simple explanation. If you want love, then it’s up to you to attract and find it. You have to be actively engaged in the dating process. At the very least, you have to get out to meet new people so you can cross paths with the men who might be looking for a woman like you right? He won’t find you on your couch!

While it’s my job to help formulate your dating plan, find ways to keep you feeling positive, and unravel the confusion and mystery that constitutes dating, I cannot “make” you do anything. I cannot motivate you to become an active dater.

But, there is extremely good news that these statistics deliver. This is the silver lining I promised you in the headline:

With such a small portion of the population looking for love, you now have far less competition than you ever dreamed!

That’s right – think about it. With 17% in relationships, and only 13% actively seeking, that leaves 70% of the other women out of the dating pool! I would hope that makes you feel a lot better about your chances of finding love. Because IF you are willing to get out there to meet people, statistically, you have very few women to compete with. (Even if it doesn’t “look” this way.)

Love is worth it!  As my matchmaker friend  Nicole LeClerc from Compatibles in Vermont often says, “No one looks back after finding love at their dating experience to say, ‘That was a waste of time!’ “The truth is, once you find love, you know that everything you went through to make that connection was completely worthwhile. I found love over 40 which is why I KNOW you can do it too.

Photo Credit: Aunt Owwee’s

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Body Language & Flirting Attract More Men

He’s Reading Your Body Language, So Tell Him a Friendly Story about Yourself

Whether you know it or not, your body is sending signals before you utter a word. If you are single, working on your body language is a good use of your time, especially for women. Why? Because when you flirt, you are often relying on body language to convey your openness and approachability.

As humans, we naturally pick up more information and make judgements based on reading body language. So make sure yours is saying what you really want to say – telling a friendly story.

It’s really no secret that men don’t like to be rejected. Women don’t like it either! Who would? So, if you are a single woman looking for love with the right man, make it your main objective to look friendly and interested. It’s so much easier than you think!

Here are some tips from Tonya Reinman in her new book The Body Language of Dating as reported in this post by ABC news. I’ve embellished from my flirting arsenal and separated the actions into those done from a distance and those acted on close up.

From a Distance:

• Become more self-aware so you can know what signals you are sending.
• Smile more because is catching!
• Playing with your hair and primping announce “Look at me” and sends the message you are ready for some attention.
• Stand up straight and hold your head high – that’s the look of confidence.
• Maintain brief eye contact with a man, then look down and up again before looking away.
• Let your wrists and neck show- they are an erogenous zones.
• Slightly tilt your head left because men find this attractive. It also implies interest, like you are thinking about him.

Close Up:

• Nod when he talks so you seem engaged and show agreement
• Touch him lightly on his arm or shoulder to make a point, breaking the personal space barrier. However, don’t linger unless you want some action the same night.
• Wear natural scents like vanilla and lavender.
• Whisper something to him – it could be anything, then pull away and smile.

What to Avoid – The Don’ts:

• Crossing your arms in front of your body or standing you’re your legs crossed shows you are shut off
• Poor posture and slouched shoulders relay poor self-esteem.
• Darting your eyes around the room makes you look nervous or suspicious
• Hands in your pockets I s a classic tip off that you might be hiding something
• Touching your nose is the sign of a liar so don’t do it!
• Getting too close before you know he is interested will make him feel crowded.

While my own social research isn’t scientific, 10 years working with thousands of women has provided fabulous anecdotal evidence these flirting behaviors work!  Let me share a story to prove the point.

Two of my clients, Beth and Connie, both 49 and divorced, took my flirting class and decided that night to go to a bar and try it out. These two women were both very “type a” career women who normally didn’t interact with men very much and to tell you the truth, just weren’t warm and friendly people.

They came back to class the next week exciting with girlish glee! Beth and Connie had stellar results to share. Beth has two men ask for her phone number which she claimed had never happened before in a bar or anywhere. And Connie was asked on a date for the following weekend much to her surprise.

These two were amazed, delighted and complete astonished by what a little flirting can do. But as their coach, let me share another potent secret with you…the biggest change in their behavior was that they paid attention to the men. They were friendly, open and interested. Normally Beth and Connie would have looked down their noses at any man who had the nerve to approach them while they had a glass of wine at a bar. But on this night, they looked for opportunities to connect with men. And voila – it worked.

So yes, body language is a highly effective means for meeting men. But, if you can open up to men and show some interest rather than disdain and suspicion, you’ll discover how easy it is to attract more bees with honey, so to speak.

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According to an article in today’s Chicago Sun Times, a study of 806, mostly post-menopausal women, uncovered some extremely exciting findings. Turns out that the majority of older women from the study, with an average age of 67 years, found that sexual satisfaction increases with age, even if desire dips. That includes frequent arousal and orgasm too.

Yes! That’s a VERY happy new year’s story.

Researchers from The University of California – San Diego School of Medicine, in conjunction with the Veterans Affairs San Diego Healthcare System, conducted the study which is part of an ongoing, 40 year study of people living in a planned community near San Diego. (Sounds like a swinging place to live!)

So single gals, if you’re worried about dust bunnies forming as the years march on, keep this study front and center in your mind. You have sexual satisfaction in your future, whether you are in your 50′s, 60′s and beyond! That’s something to hold onto and look forward to as well.

As a dating coach for women over 40, may I recommend a little trip to Victoria’s Secret.  There’s still plenty of time to get lucky!

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Serial Dating

Are you a serial dater?

Do you even know what a serial dater is?

Two types of Serial Daters

A serial dater is a person who dates a lot of people looking for just the right person. However, there never seems to be a right person. So relationships don’t last long and you are back looking for love again very soon.

Another definition of serial dating is when you date someone once or twice, and decide to stick with that person without having checked out other options first. This means you end up in one unsatisfying, long-term relationships after another, because you don’t spend the time qualifying men to know they are right for you. Some women get serious with a guy who shows interest, even if he’s not right. This is the opposite of the first example, when no one is good enough.

Either way,  according to some experts, these behaviors put you into the “Serial Dater” category. I’ve certainly run into this as a dating coach for women.

What Causes Serial Dating?

The root cause varies depending on what type of serial dater you are. For women who can’t find the right guy, this behavior may stem from “Intense Selectivity”. When you have super-strict criteria and won’t budge from a single variant, it can become quite difficult to find a man to satisfy your qualifications. I’ve worked with dating coaching clients on this challenge to help them open to more possibilities and different types of men.

When a serial dater of this type calls me to say she is dating a guy who is SO different from any other guy she’s ever dated, I know…she’s probably found the right man for her! And if not that, she’s definitely on the right track to finding a good match.

On the other hand, when a woman dates the first guy who comes along, because he’s a man who pursued her, this is a true “Lack of Selectivity”. I work with dating coaching clients to help them discover some qualifying characteristics that will be a good match

An Oprah Show about Serial Daters

Here’s the good news about being a Serial Dater…Oprah wants you on her show!

https://www.oprah.com/ownshow/plug_form.html?plug_id=8848691

If you want a crack on being on Oprah’s show, part of the new OWN network, fill out the form. She is specifically looking for serial daters, so if that speaks to you , go for it!

Good luck!

Photo Credit: Frank Gruber

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Marriage Trends Are Down

A new report completed by the  Pew Research Center announced that marriage trends are still declining in the United States, (as well as in Europe and other developed nations) as it has been for 50 years.

During the 1960′s, nearly 72% of adults in the US were married, compared to 51% today. I’m not quite sure what the big news is since the statistic that nearly 50% of the adult American population is single would mean that only half could be married. Perhaps important scientific research doesn’t include simple math…

However, another interesting statistic is the rising number of people who have never been married – that now hit 28% compared to just 15% back in 1960. In addition, people are getting married later in life, with both men and women marrying about 6 years later than their counterparts in the 60′s. Today, that means men are marrying at close to 29 and women at 26-1/2.

The statistics over the last 50 years show men always got married a few years later than women, so no change their in behavior.

While the report doesn’t provide reasons for the more recent change of new marriages being down about 10% for the last year or two, the economy is being blamed. Certainly makes sense given the average cost of a wedding today at $28,700!

I would say that a bigger contributor to the slow down in marriage is the fact that women NO LONGER NEED TO GET MARRIED. Today, women are financially independent and can support themselves. As dating coach for women dating over 40 or dating after divorced, women often tell me that unless the guy is something super special, they can’t be bothered thinking about getting married or having a relationship.

Given that anecdotal evidence, I guarantee this attitude strongly influences the number of Americans who are married. Many women are perfectly happy going solo, so they don’t want  the hassle of having a man as part of their life. A lot of women who do want love and a man as a life partner, don’t want to marry and prefer other lifestyle choices.

Even though marriage trends may be down, there are other living together arrangements that were not part of this study. Living together/cohabitation has sky-rocked since the 1960′s which is not accounted for in this report. If you want to read the whole report, you can find it here.

Please don’t feel down about this. There will always be singles who are content as is and don’t want to marry. Today, more and more of them are women. Look at it this way – now you know for sure you have less competition to get married, since fewer women want the “Mrs.” designation!

It’s a new year just around the corner. What will you do to make finding love a priority? You could register for Sizzle vs. Fizzle Online which starts on January 16th.

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It seems Mike and Lauren went out on one date and they each had differing opinions about how it went. Since Lauren didn’t respond to Mike’s subsequent emails and calls, we can safely assume  she didn’t think it went so well. We aren’t privy to the reason, but once you read the article – you can get a few good ideas – like maybe Mike’s completely off his rocker.

On the other hand, Mike thought their first date went very well. He thinks they are a great match because they both like classical music. And he can’t understand why she won’t go out with him again for several reasons:

1. She demonstrated that she liked him by playing with her hair

2. She’s very busy and he’s conveniently located

3. He makes good money and contrary to her belief, managing his parents money is a REAL job.

After emailing and calling Lauren to no avail, Mike googled and found her email address. Then he wrote and sent the amazingly long note which somehow got posted in Reddit and ended it up in the Huffington Post.

The email clearly demonstrates the full extent of Mike’s lunacy. While he berates Lauren for leading him on with her hair twirling, eye contact and conversation, he intersperses his scary diatribe with the disclaimer “…unless you do still want to go out with me”.

Say Very Little
This is why I tell my dating coaching clients to say very little about why you no longer want to see a guy, especially if you’ve only had one to three dates. Keep things very simple by blaming your choice of not wanting to see him again on chemistry. I recommend saying something as simple as, “I enjoyed meeting you, but feel the chemistry isn’t quite there. Wishing you luck with your search.” That’s it!

I Learned this the Hard Way
The first man I dated (out of 30) to find  my husband (of 11 years), was a great guy to jump back in the dating pool with even though he wasn’t the right man for me. Jack was too old, not ready for the kind of relationship I wanted, geographically undesirable, to name a few things. However, he offered me some great dating practice which I was in dire need of.

No question, Jack seemed like a decent man, just not the right one for me. In fairness, it took me some time to figure this out, which is exactly the purpose of dating. Initially, I was willing to accept many of the things that turned out to not be good for me.

When I decided I didn’t want to see Jack any more, I foolishly wrote him a letter. It was kind (in my mind) saying what I did like about him. Naturally it also included what I didn’t like. I explained that I wanted a man who would spend more time with me. This seemed relatively harmless to me – its not saying anything bad about Jack – really just stated the obvious. He didn’t want to spend much time with me and I wanted someone who did. It’s not like I told him he wasn’t smart enough or cute enough right?

Men Feel Rejection Too
Ahhh, but rejection lands hard regardless of the reason. Never write it down!

Jack called leaving an extremely nasty message on my answering machine after reading my letter. I was shocked at how angry he was. I thought I had done such a nice job of letting him down gently. After all, I didn’t even say it was his fault. Seems that doesn’t matter. Rejection is painful no matter the reason. And if you went out with a man who likes to argue – you’ll have a fight on your hands.

No, You Don’t Want to Know
My female clients often complain that they wish they knew why a man never called again or didn’t ask for a second, third or fourth date. Truth is, you do not want to know. Chances are it’s something you cannot change, nor would you want to. Often the guy decided you weren’t the right one, which doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive or a great woman.

Rejection is part of dating and part of life. Since you never know if the seemingly normal guy you went out with is nuts or nice, don’t give him anything to fuel the fire. Say nothing like Lauren or as little as possible. Mike got mad and stalked her, but that was his own doing. Can you imagine his reaction had she actually told him why she didn’t want to see him again?

Frankly, I’m a little worried for her now that this has gone public.

Photo Credit: MargaretKillJoy

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Patt Stanger - Millionaire Matchmaker

Last week’s episode #13, features Patti Stanger with a bevy of experts to help her find “The One”.

Dr. Pat Allen seemed to be working as the facilitator, asking Patti what she was looking for – marriage, relationship or just dating. Patti didn’t hesitate a moment – she wants to get married and says it’s time!

The first thing that cracked me up was when her friend Matt Bennett, the life coach said that “…helping Patti Stanger find love is like riding a bucking bronco through a mine field!” Thanks Matt for that highly descriptive visual. He also told Patti to set her bar higher to weed out the men who are out of integrity.

Dr. Lillian Glass, body language expert, suggested she let others see her femininity and loving nature. It’s time to let this side of her show. She also encouraged her to spend time focusing on the face and listening to what is being said.

Dr. Nicki told Patti she’s a bulldozer and she needs to be able to sit still and shut up to let a man in. Sounds like great advice for any Type A, driven woman.

Patti was worried that Dustin and Rachel, along with two colleagues from her Great Expectations days – Rose and Jeff, wouldn’t know her type. Who is her type? Patti goes for tall, rugged, muscular, blond men. She’s not into Mr. Suit, more into Mr. Beach.

At the mixer, Patti selected John – a tall blond man as her primary date. But, before going into that date, let’s talk about the other guy Dustin offered her a second date too – with a guy that isn’t  mentioned on the Bravo site anywhere! Let’s say his name is Jim – I can’t remember. He was an ex cop and very intense. While he was tall and muscular, he was too intense for Patti. I don’t blame her at all – he was over the top.

While the date started out lighter and more fun with some horseback riding, Jim was like a lion, waiting to go in for the kill. He told Patti how she had made the wrong choice and he was going to prove it to her. Instead, he proved her selection to be right – he was not the one. Maybe if he had just been light and fun, he could have had a shot. But, no way with that intensity. Yuck! I can’t help but think this is what the producers requested of him…

In amazing contrast, Patti’s date with John was heavenly to her. He did research (or was told) about all her favorite things.  He took her on a private plane to Tuscon, AZ to her favorite resort – Mirabel. They started with a foot massage by the pool and he served her Petrone Silver – her favorite drink.

The next day –  they rode the zip line with a 30 foot climb to get to the top starting point. Patti was visibly nervous about this climb, but she loved the zip line – she didn’t want to get down. Later, they had a fabulous dinner – at a villa with all her  favorite food. They hugged and kissed at the end.

And a second date was planned. OK Patti, let’s see if you can follow your own advice about letting the man be in charge and no sex until monogamy!

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Bravo TV's Real Housewives

I don’t have many vices honestly. But, I admit that I do watch many of Bravo’s Real Housewives shows. Sometimes its just a shocking train wreck of money, glitz and collagen.

So if you are a fan, this is big news! This past weekend, the Real Housewives had not one, but two weddings!

Let’s start with those Beverly Hills beauties. Lisa Vanderpump’s daughter, Pandora (excuse me, but isn’t that the mythical box filled with all the world’s troubles?) married cutie Jason Sabo. Guests included Kyle Richards, Camille  Grammar (ex wife of Kelsey Grammar), Star Jones and LaToya Jackson.

I remember watching the episode when Lisa was hiring the wedding planner. The guy was an incredible pompous buffoon who indignantly asked why she had a budget for her daughter’s wedding. Practical as Lisa is, she felt a budget of $150,000 should be sufficient, but the wedding planner was thinking millions. Kaching!

I saw a couple of vile photos on the web with a garish, over-done, pink and silver theme that is vomitous at best. No kidding. Money doesn’t buy you taste, right Countess? Apparently, we will see the blessed nuptials on Bravo TV at some point. Oh and if you are a fan, then you must have anticipated how the family dressed up their little dog Giggy – Yup! In a tiny, doggy tuxedo!

Next up- Atlanta! The infamous Kim Zolciak finally dumped her married meal ticket, Big Pappa, for a younger man. She met Kroy Biermann (25 year old NFL Atlanta Falcon player) last season and the romance blossomed rapidly. Before you knew it, Kim was pregnant and moving into to Kroy’s home with her furniture rescued from the huge tag sale she had a few seasons ago to raise funds.

According to the post I read, Kim’s wedding dress by Baracci of Beverly Hills was valued at $60,000, except one thing – she’s a value gal and is said to have purchased the dress on PreOwnedWeddingDresses.com Don’t you just love that?

Kim already gave birth to their son, KJ, and he sat on her sister’s lap in the front row during the ceremony. How sweet. Good for Kim. Looks like her event was a hell of a lot more tasteful than Pandora’s. What a difference a name makes…

Photo credit: Mr B-MMX

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Patti Stanger the Millionaire Matchmaker

Last week’s episode of Bravo TV’s the Millionaire Matchmaker bridged both ends of the spectrum. From Frank Marino, a Vegas drag queen extraordinaire who dressed up to imitate Patti herself, to Jason the food king who was so dull even a body language coach couldn’t loosen him up. Talk about miles apart! How funny to put these two clients on one show, highlighting their remarkable differences.

Working with Frank, Patti was hoping to find a guy who could help him balance out his life. Patti had no trouble finding a bunch of eligible guys who didn’t mind the idea of dating a diva. I had a good laugh when she choose that young chatty guy for Frank. He didn’t even let him get  a word in edgewise – at least the way the  show was edited and presented.

Frank finally choose Paul, a marketing guy who was 27 and seemed like a good match, until he starting drinking. Wow – did he knock back the wine. That was a beautiful display of how foolish you can look when you drink too much – ON NATIONAL TV! Honestly, what was he thinking? Too bad, because the date started off with a lot of fun, on a zip line from the mall roof top. That looked like wild fun, floating across the skyline of the mall.

The other client, Jason, was so dull, its difficult to even write much about him. He made his cash with a line of healthy food that is delivered door-to-door. But, Jason seems either so boring, uncomfortable with himself or wound tightly, that he was the ultimate sleeper.

Patti sent Jason to a body language coach who helped him through a variety of exercises that, in truth, would make anyone feel outrageously foolish. I felt bad for him. Stretching, screaming, making faces. Patti literally said something about taking that pole out of his…

I give him credit because he tried to come up with a unique date and paddled his girl across a stream to dinner. Yes, something different, but probably not the best choice on a hot night in a business suit. His date was sweet and forgiving, but they were awkward and conversation with that guy does not flow easily.

After all was said and done, Patti suggested that he look for a woman from his home state of Pennsylvania which apparently he managed to do and is now seeing someone. This makes so much more sense than hoping to connect with a California beauty.

So, that’s its for episode 11. Not that much to relate to and not that entertaining unless you enjoy sluggish conversation and watching a young guy get snockered to the max. Let’s hope tomorrow night is more fun.

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Pat Bubash Successful Second Marriages

I just finished reading Patricia Bubash’s new book entitled Successful Second Marriages. Pat interviewed nine couples in their second marriages to learn what works, what doesn’t, how to get through the rough patches and why a second marriage can be wonderful.

The couples share real details of their lives and relationships, providing insight into what motivates them and the way they go about interacting with each other. Men and women express their fears, joys, hopes and dreams for their marriages. The interviews feel real, like you are sitting there and are a part of the conversation.

Ms. Bubash’s conclusions were straightforward and powerful:

1. The loss that stems from divorce can be equal to the loss due to a death

2. Full commitment is required to weather the periodic storms that marriages come up against. But that commitment can pull a couple through to the other side for a successful and loving marriage

3. Becoming self-aware is the key to success. Prior to entering another marriage, smart couples have done their homework. They have gone to counseling and participated in other types of awareness building processes that allow them to gain insight and understanding of themselves and make more mature choices. In addition, learning new skills for communication keeps the lines open for compromise, understanding and forgiveness.

4. Marriage is about friendship. As the years go by and the sizzle settles , marriages that survive do so because the couples are friends. Couples who enjoy a good conversation, each other’s company and are there to support each other are the ones that survive and thrive.

If you are seeking evidence that second marriages can work or want proof that looking for love a second time around is worthwhile, read Successful Second Marriages. Pat Bubash has put a solid dose of HOPE in a paperback just for you.

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