Dating After Divorce: What NOT to Say on the First Phone Call- A Man’s Perspectve
One of my first male clients, Don, who is now 56, is back on the market 7 years. Getting back out there, he has recently experienced some rather interesting first dates with women who could apparently use a few dating coaching sessions. So much of dating is really common sense and looking at what you do and say from the other person’s perspective. Unfortunately, not everyone recognizes this.
Here are some of the things women have said to or asked Don, whether on the phone or on their first date that he has found most troublesome. He wanted to share these with me to help build awareness among women on how these things sound from the other side of the “table.
By Phone:
“I would love to get together but I’m really busy with my job, and then I have my Pilates classes and the kids’ soccer games and I’m seeing my girlfriends on Friday and I have to drop the kid’s off at my ex’s on Sat. afternoon and my mom is coming to visit on Sunday…”
I understand that you’re busy. But when you go through the litany of your life verbally with a man, all he hears is that you are too busy for him. Or that dating is not you’re priority. Or that he’ll never be a priority. You want to appear available, even if you are crazy busy, so keep your calendar to yourself. If a man asks you out for a particular time and you are busy, just suggest a time when you are free and spare him what’s going to happen between your conversation and the time he sees you.
“This weekend? Sounds great. But I must warn you, I have strict dietary restrictions, I have to be home early because the sitter is so expensive, and if they have music at the restaurant I hate jazz, country and hard rock.”
OK, lots of people have dietary restrictions or health concerns, but how you share this with prospects really matters! Presentation is everything. You can ask what kind of food is served so you can get an idea, you can go on line and look at teh menu to make sure there is something you can eat. Many restaurants are willing to adapt a recipe to meet your needs – I do this all the time. The point is – don’t sound difficult or demanding. It’s so much better to say less and still get your needs met without making a big fuss about it because as you can see, that is a big turnoff.
Now let’s talk about music. For one date, can you roll with things? Most men will try to please you at the begining. And if you don’t like something, that’s OK. You can say, the music is too loud for me once you get there. But spelling out the list of what you don’t like is not a way to demonstrate how easy going or fun you are to be with. Relax please and try to go with the flow a bit.
Another point that is crucial to understand. Men will take it as a compliment if you like the restaurant or music. He’ll feel good about the choice he made and that he made you happy and pleased you.
On the other hand they can feel deflated just as quickly if you complain about the food and music. We all have preferences and they should be known, but give yourself a chance to get to know each other before you put all your preferences on the table for display.
“I would love to see you, but not this weekend. I’m meeting four guys from Match.com.”
For goodness sakes, please keep your dating schedule to yourself. If you’re busy, say you aren’t available then and suggest another time. But don’t throw it in his face that you are seeing other men. That is a given when meeting people from online dating – everyone is meeting multiple prospects. However, there’s no need to flaunt that fact, because no one likes to think how they are just part of a line up. You wouldn’t like it either if you think about it.
More comments from Don tomorow with first date no no’s…
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Dating Over 40: How Do I Answer Him When He Asks, “Why Aren’t You Married?”
Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach,
What if you’re a successful, capable, woman in your early 40′s and you’ve never been married (for all the various reasons: haven’t met the right person, dated the wrong men, demanding career, etc.). You’ve achieved a lot, have plenty to offer and have every reason to feel proud.
However, you go on a date and and the guy asks why you’re not married or if you’ve ever been close. The he gets stuck on this topic.
This is a very sensitive and invasive question and it’s easy for me to feel judged and defensive. It’s like I have to prove there’s nothing wrong with me. So, its very tricky answering in a graceful manner that confidently sends the message there is nothing wrong with me. If I answer this question wrong, I almost guarantee never hearing from the guy again.
What does it mean when a guy asks this question and then repeats the question? Should a woman feel insulted? Is this an invasion of privacy and far too personal to ask at a first meeting? How should I answer?
Looking forward to your reply!
Perplexed in NY
Dear Perplexed,
I understand why this would bother you. My answer is some men are curious and it is a fair question in my opinion. On the other hand, some men are idiots and have no social graces. Both are true because it depends on the man.
I think the best thing you can do is come up with a standard answer and then, shift to a new topic. If he comes back to it again, shift him away in a flirty manner.
This is another place to use feminine energy rather than feel angry or insulted. Neither one of these helps, whether the man in front of you is the right man or not. Better to chalk it up to unchecked curiosity on a man’s part.
Here are a few suggestions for how to respond. You could simply smile as gracefully as you can muster and say any of these:
“Why don’t you tell me more about you.”
“Let’s keep the conversation light today to see how we click”
“Let’s talk about fun topics – where did you go on your last vacation?” or
“Do you have a hobby?”
The more you can deflect anger on your part, the more open you will be to men. Sometimes people ask stupid questions and don’t mean anything by it. But how can you tell? If you appear annoyed, you lose. That’s why dating is a lot like playing poker – keep your emotions close to the vest like a good hand to maintain the advantage.
That’s why I tell my dating coaching clients to focus on “data gathering,” which is my definition for dating. Yes, note his questions. Note his bringing it up again. See what else happens. Note the good things too.
It’s easy to take offense and find reasons to dislike men. Women have become really good at this. Look at Sex in the City – that’s what the whole show and movies are about.
The true test for my dating coaching clients who are serious about finding a loving partner comes in finding things to like about men. So, come up with your standard answer. Practice saying it out loud with yourself so that it flows naturally from your lips. Then give it a try next time it comes up. And adjust as needed.
One of the keys to successful dating my dating coaching clients become proficient with is to not let any particular first meeting be too bothersome. They find ways to let what a man says and does roll off. They use positive self-talk like, “Who is next?” to keep moving in a positive direction and manage their emotions.
You are a single woman over 40 with plenty to be proud of. So be proud and don’t give away your power or feminine charm to questions and incidents that don’t matter over the long run.
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photo credit: StacyLynn
Dating Over 40: Does “Hanging Out” Mean He Only Wants a Casual Thing?
Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach
I went on a blind date and things went well. He texted me the next day (Thursday) asking to make weekend plans. Personally, I don’t like texting to set up dates, but I did respond. On Friday morning, he texted back asking me if I wanted to “hang out” that night.
Not only was I not available, but I found this texting method of being asked out and short notice offensive! He seems like a guy who wants something purely casual. And honestly, “hanging out” seems like college mentality – I’m 38! So, tell me, is all of this red flag stuff?
Tanya in Worchester, MA
Hi Tanya,
My advice is that you haven’t collected nearly enough data yet to start thinking ill of this man. Maybe “hang out” is a sign of laziness, not wanting a relationship or neither.
Let’s stay positive!
The good news he asked to see you again right away! He contacted you the very next day after your date to secure you for the weekend. That’s great!
Now, let’s bend a little on formality – not that you need to accept a date from a same day request. First off, men like texting to communicate because they talk one third as much as women do. Texting gets right to the point.
Use Your Feminine Charm
You don’t have to text to set up dates though. Let him know that you prefer to schedule dates via telephone. Telling a man in a nice way about your preferences, gives him a chance to try to please you. Don’t sound demanding. Say it kindly, “Let’s talk on the phone to set up date details.” That’s a great example of using your feminine charm.
Here’s how to use your feminine energy to handle the short notice and that you are not available:
“It would be fun to see you and thanks for asking.”
“I’m not free to night how about Saturday/Sunday?” or whatever you want to suggest.
Hanging Out Is Not a Good Second Date
Regarding hanging out, I don’t advise this for my dating coaching clients at all. You are on the right track here. But this might not mean he only wants to be casual. Still more dating collecting to be done here to know for sure.
However, I agree, best to stay out of his home and yours at the beginning. Public places are better initially for safety and removing any temptation towards intimacy before you feel ready.
This is another opportunity to steer things in a feminine way. For example, If he suggests his house for a video, you can say you heard a great band was playing at…or the weather is going to be great, let’s get a drink at an outdoor bar. This way, you aren’t suggesting something expensive, but you are letting him know in a feminine way you prefer to go out.
You Can Be Direct If Needed
If that still doesn’t register for him, be totally direct and say, “I need to get to know you better before I go to your home. Or “Watching a video doesn’t allow for much conversation and I want to get to know you better first.”
My advice, as I would share with any of my dating coaching clients, is to not to judge him yet. Try these suggestions to move him towards what you want using your feminine charm.
Wishing you love,
Ronnie – The Dating Coach
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photo credit: Art by Steve Johnson
Dating Over 40: How to Make the Most of a Singles Dance
I bet you ‘ve been to a singles dance or two and thought it was just horrible. When I was dating, I go every six months. It was always a drama scene. First I had to pick out the right outfit, I’d try everything on in my closet, finally settle on something, but already felt like I’d been through the emotional wringer.
Then I’d go to meet a bunch of girlfriends at the dance. We’d stand towards the back or near the wall in a group, surveying the men. Rarely did we see someone we felt was worth even thinking about. No one would get asked to dance and we’d end the night pledging to never go again.
Sound familiar? Well this is not the way to meet people at a singles dance!
If you are serious about meeting new men, here is exactly how to do it. Follow these 5 steps that I share with my dating coaching clients and I guarantee you will be asked to dance. When I got serious and followed these steps, I would sometimes dance all night with different men!
1. Wear something that makes you feel sexy and beautiful
If you can’t think of anything in your closet like that , go shopping today. Dating after divorce can be hard, so this is a step to shore up your confidence. Once you know you have a couple of the right outfits, you’ll never go through that emotionally draining try-on-everything scenario which is worth avoiding to keep your energy upbeat and happy.
2. Get into the right mind-set
It’s just one night. It’s just one dance. Take the pressure off. What I suggest to my dating coaching clients is to decide to meet new people, not Mr. Right. This way, you are free to meet a lot more people without worrying if each man is the perfect guy. Meeting lots of new people, even women is the recipe for finding love today.
3. Go with friends, but don’t hang with them all night
Of course you can go with friends, but don’t cling to each other all night! Walk around alone for a while to make it easy for men to meet you. Go to the bar and get a drink on your own. Walk to the ladies room by yourself. Men don’t like walking up to a bunch of women to ask one to dance. That’s the surest way to not meet anyone. So hang out with yoru friends, then separate and go it alone throughout the evening.
4. Position yourself for success
Stand at the edge of the dance floor, smile tap your foot and look ready to go. This will show men that you are ready for a partner and to dance. I tell my dating coaching clients – Make it easy for men by demonstrating your interest in getting out there.
5. Be friendly and say “Yes”
The best way to dance with lots of different men is to say “Yes” to as many as you can. My dating coaching clients are surprised how well this works. Why? Because other men are watching to see how you reject their peers! Are you mean? Do you turn away everyone? Do you seem nice and open to dancing? What messages are you sending?
You can have some criteria of course. Mine was I’d dance with any man who didn’t smell or have bad teeth. And, I didn’t dance to slow dances. If a guy asked, I’d tell him to come back and ask again when the music was more upbeat.
Of the 30 men I dated, three came from singles dances. If you are dating over 40 or dating after divorce, why not add it to your action plan to see who you might meet? Follow this 5-step plan and dance the night away!
Dating Over 40: What if He Sets Dates Up via Text and Email?
Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach,
Men in Chicago are so frustrating! I met a new guy recently online who looks great “on paper”. We talked on the phone and he said he’d get back in touch to set up a plan to meet me the next day. It would have been so much more easier if he just set up the plan while we were talking. But no. Like most guys in Chicago, he’s too last minute or on the go or whatever.
He sent me a text the next morning saying he’d let me know later when and where we would meet and how he was looking forward to seeing me. Again – he put me off! So I texted back to say he needed to let me know by noon so I could plan accordingly or we’d have to reschedule. My girlfriend said that message was way harsh but I am so sick of this run around.
He emailed me at 5pm with a place to meet. I didn’t even see the email! When I did, I texted him back to say I was no longer free for the evening. What am I to make of this? These loosey goosey plan making actions are driving me crazy. Suggestions?
Texted Out
Dear TO,
I understand how frustrating this is for you. My dating coaching clients complain about the very same thing. It’s a nuisance, an annoyance and a fact of dating over 40. So what’s a women to do?
Many of my clients have found it can be so simple to let a man know your preference for communicating date details. Just tell him. Crazy huh? But it’s that simple. Here’s a line to try, “Let’s make plans now while were on the phone so its easy to coordinate.” Or if the texting and email come before the phone call, say, “I’d love to make plans, give me call at_____” and supply your number.
Don’t let your frustration about this sloppy or lazy communication style cloud your view of every man. They don’t know your preferences unless you tell them. Women dating over 40 or dating after divorce think these ideas should be obvious, but unfortunately, they are not universally accepted ways of behaving among all daters if you get my drift.
One more suggestion regarding your friend’s comment. When you explain preferences to men, it works best to find a way to keep it positive and upbeat. You probably want to avoid sounding irritated or providing a deadline. That might come across as demanding because its too business-like.
You may think your request is for simple courtesy, and truth be told it is. But from a man’s perspective, he might think the same way. So you want to share your preferences in a soft and inviting way. You are asking a man to conform to your way of doing things, so think first and ask sweetly. That’s one of the best pieces of advice any dating coaching client can put into practice.
You know the old saying, “You attract more bees with honey”? That saying has been around forever because it works. It offers very sound wisdom.
A man who is truly interested will want to please you because he wants to win you over. Give him a chance to show you that side of him.
photo credit Christopher Chan
Dating After Divorce: Do You Have Enough Self-Esteem to Date?
Divorce can crush your self-esteem. I don’t need to tell you that – you already know. The end of any relationship can rock your self-confidence as you wonder what went wrong and what you could have done differently.
I understand how tough this can be. Many of my dating coaching clients have felt the same way and what they found working with me is that rebuilding confidence is not only possible, but very necessary to finding a healthy, new relationship.
Without strong self worth, you may end up making poor choices as you look for love. The best relationships are grounded in valuing yourself and knowing what a great catch you are. This is how you ensure that you don’t fall for the wrong guy who doesn’t treat you right, is controlling, or chips away at your self esteem.
Here are three methods to think about and determine which might be the most helpful to you. When you choose to work with me as your coach for dating over 40 or dating after divorce, you’ll see how effective these exercises can be.
1. All love starts with self love
Do you love yourself? Do you know what a great person you are and how much you have to offer? If you can’t agree with this statement then it’s time to strengthen your ability to love yourself.
This may seem like a confronting exercise but it’s one the most powerful, proven tactics to build self love. So take this opportunity very seriously because it really works.
Every morning when you awake and before you go to sleep, look in the mirror and say “I love you” to yourself. At first this may seem ridiculous, silly or very uncomfortable. But with time and consistency, it will start to influence how you feel about yourself
2. Appreciate yourself
What do you like about how you look? Even if you are highly critical of yourself, you must have something that is attractive to men. And especially if you are self-critical, this is a great exercise for you. Pick a feature you like, maybe your slender ankles,long legs, great nails, long thick hair, beautiful eyes, luscious full lips, etc. and then choose to appreciate it that part every day.
Do this exercise for seven days, then choose a new feature to appreciate. After a while, you will start to find this so much easier as you build self esteem and confidence.
3. Build a rich, full life for yourself.
Women who enjoy their lives are naturally more attractive and confident. when you enjoy your life and follow your passions, you feel more fulfilled and self-supportive. You know how to be with yourself and don’t need a man to complete your life, even if you’d like one.
Divorce can often impact your friendships and create empty spots that weren’t there before. Sometimes instead of looking for new girlfriends, women look for a man to fill all their social needs. This is a recipe for disaster because no man can be everything to you. Remember who you are and what you like to do. And if you don’t know, try a bunch of new activities.That’s a sure way to discover what makes you happy.
Once you decide to work with me, I’d recommend trying any of these three confidence builders or all of them. After a short time, you will definitely start feeling like your old self again which is crucial for dating success. Because if you don’t know who you are, what is good about you, or value yourself, unfortunately, no one else will either.
Dating Over 40: Is Your Ambivalence about Love Holding You Back?
So you are over 40, divorced or single and say you want to find a good life partner? Great! What are you doing to make that desire come true?
As a dating coach for women dating over 40 or dating after divorce, I’ve seen and heard so much – I’m sure you can imagine. But the one thing that often surprises me most is when a woman tells me how much she wants to find love and yet, she does almost nothing to create this reality.
How can this be? There are many possible reasons. Maybe you want love but:
You are afraid to be vulnerable again, still healing from love gone wrong.
You don’t want to relinquish your freedom and prefer independence
You don’t want to go through “that” again, thinking every relationship will turn out exactly the same
You don’t have time to date, having filled every spare moment of your life
You don’t believe there are any good men left so wonder if you should even bother
You feel its all simply too difficult
I could fill pages with reasons like this – and you could too. It’s easy and you can probably relate to many of these statements. Even though they aren’t true, they can FEEL true if you let them.
These are actually, excuses hiding your ambivalence. If you think that pursuing love and dating are useless, OF COURSE YOU DON’T WANT TO PUT YOUR TIME AND EFFORT INTO IT!
Often, your ambivalence is your own worst enemy. The human condition is to want to be right. Naturally we look for evidence that we are right. That means you will notice all the examples that prove your case and support your excuses.
On the other hand, when you believe finding love is a real possibility, you will see evidence to support this position. I can tell you from my own personal experience and the thousands of people I have coached, finding love is REAL. It happens every day.
When I was single and in my 30′s, did I believe this? Nope. Not for 18 years of my adult life. But when I turned 40 and freaked out to still be single and never married, I knew something had to change.
The biggest shift I made was to DECIDE that it was time to believe in love. I focused fiercely on the truth that love existed and the right man was out there for me. I drowned my ambivalence and pushed it out of my life, replacing this with a firm insistence that I would find love and HE (the right man) would find me.
I can tell you – it worked.
And this has worked for countless women. Once you decide to work with me as your dating coach, I will tell you that to find love, you must believe. Chase the ambivalence away. Discover methods that you can use to hold your positive focus. Instill a sense of hope and deep knowing that all your efforts will bare fruit – MANifesting the love you want, long for and most definitely deserve.
If you need help to strengthen or even establish a belief in love, you could benefit from my audio: I Believe: Affirmations to Find Love Now. This audio program has three “meditations” of different lengths, all designed to strengthen and build your belief in love, belief in yourself, and belief that the right man for you is out there. The meditations use the Law of Attraction by applying affirmations to reach your subconscious mind – the place where all manifesting begins.
And it’s at a special price right now, but that will be changing at the end of this month. Get your audio program now when you click here.
Dating After Divorce: What Old Habits Are You Hanging on to?
Dating after divorce and over 40 can be trying to say the least. Now you have baggage that you didn’t have in your youth and have to get back out there encumbered by it. The singles scene is different than in your younger days and you might not know where to start or how things work today.
Sometimes the baggage you bring forward into your new dating life is a bunch of old habits. Things that happened over and over again in the past. Things that might not be true today, yet you still expect them to happen.
Here’s a crazy example from my life. My automatic garage door opener has been replaced thankfully. I just had a new one installed. The old one was very quirky and some days it would stop as it should automatically. Other days it would open too far and start freaking out, banging into the motor. Not good.
To insure this banging didn’t happen, I would stand near the button that opened the garage door and wait, in case I had to stop it. I did this routine for 10 years – crazy I know but something I just put up with. I had a solution that worked and used it.
After two weeks of enjoying the new door opener that works correctly, I still find myself waiting at the door to make sure it stops on its own. I do this even though I no longer have to. This silliness is left over and a deeply ingrained response that is obviously going to take time to change. Ridiculous, yes, but true nonetheless.
How does this apply to your dating life? My bet is, if you are dating after divorce or over 40, you too have ingrained responses to situations that have changed. And you have not yet adapted. Give it some thought right now. What are you still expecting to happen that has no real possibility of coming to true?
Here are a few ideas to get you started thinking:
-Since your ex left, do you still harbor hopes that he’ll return some day?
-Do you feel most men don’t follow through because so many haven’t over the years?
-Do you hope a knight in shining armor will save you so you don’t have to stick your neck out?
-Do you think all men are cheats and liars because one man behaved this way?
-Do you think all men are commitment phobic because the guy you dated in your 20′s wouldn’t marry you?
Holding on to these ways of thinking, these beliefs about men and dating hinders your success. When you choose to work with me as your dating coach, we will look for these road blocks. Continuing to wait for men to behave in any of these ways precludes you from meeting men who could fulfill your needs. Can you see the truth in this?
What’s the solution? Establish new expectations! Create new beliefs about men, love and dating. Look for positive examples among couples you know to prove other behaviors do exist. It’s time to let go of out dated expectations, habits, and thought patterns that no longer serve you.
Dating after divorce or dating over 40, it’s easy to hang on to expectations. But my hope as your dating coach is that you won’t allow this to continue. Break free from your traditional expectations and habits and give yourself and men a fresh shot at love. You deserve it
Dating Over 40: Are You Irritated with Men?
Beth, one of my over 40 dating coaching clients is feeling down about her dating journey. Things aren’t happening the way she’d like and frankly, so many men who contact her on Match.com are simply irritating.
I asked what she meant. “Well’, they wink, but don’t write. Or email but clearly haven’t read my profile. Or worse, they disappear or are just plain creepy!”
I sympathize with Beth. We all know how this can be. Beth is frustrated because she really wants to move on and find the right relationship and the men who contact her are “truly awful and disheartening!”
Don’t focus on What You Don’t Want
While Beth’s feelings are understandable and justifiable, they are impeding her progress. Thinking this way sends out the wrong signals to the Universe and is self-sabotaging. She never looked at her thought process this way before. By focusing on these facts alone, she is allowing the Law of Attraction to bring her more of what she doesn’t want. Like attracts like – that’s how it works.
Focus on What You Want
Think about it…when Beth is irritated with men, she sends the “vibe of irritation” out into the cosmos. Not very attractive when you look at it this way is it? Instead, to use the Law of Attraction more effectively, Beth needs to concentrate on what she does want.
A Powerful Shift in Perspective Builds Magnetism
What will help Beth is to shift her perspective on these interactions with men. When you choose to work with me as your dating coach, you’ll see clearly how this makes a tremendous difference. For example, I coached Beth to recognize that these men, while not right for her, are showing their appreciation of her. They find her attractive and that is a good thing! She can use this to build her confidence, seeing these interactions as proof of her attractiveness.
I tell my clients to silently thank any man who finds you attractive and them move on. Delete their emails, walk away or whatever. You don’t have to talk to these men or like them. Just appreciate being appreciated. This is a far more MAGNETIC way to process these situations and apply the Law of Attraction.
The more you appreciate yourself and focus on what is working in the dating arena and life in general, the more magnetic you will become. It may not be easy to make this shift – it will take time and effort. But the rewards are outrageous and highly worthwhile – MANifesting what you want in life, namely: love with the right man for you.
photo credit: mscaprikell
Dating After Divorce: I Don’t Want to Raise More Kids – Should I Leave Now?
Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach, I am divorced. I met a very nice man through a friend. In the beginning we spoke online for hours. We began to get together, meeting at the beach to talk. After two months, he asked me out to dinner and he paid. Four months later, he expects both of us to share the cost our nights out. For example, if he bought dinner, he expects me to pay for the movie. I have not complained. I hadn’t dated for years so I thought it was normal. Then in one of our many conversations, we discussed children. I have two teenagers and explained that I do not wish to have more. He was understanding but felt my “No” meant maybe. He has two children as well 4 and 7. Four months into a relationship, he tells me his children are moving in with him. I was shocked. I do not want to raise small children all over again. I already did that with my own. Should I end this relationship now before it gets more serious? |
Nervous in Tucson
Dear Nervous,
There is a lot going on in this email and I’m not exactly sure what the priority is regarding your question.
Is it normal for a man to expect you to contribute to your dates after four months? Absolutely. Had you asked me earlier in the process of dating this guy, I would have pointed out that meeting him in a park is not only a safety risk initially, but speaks to his not having much money for dating.
However, his financial situation might not really be a concern of yours. If he’s a good person and supports himself, then that can be enough for many women. In this day and age with more equality between the sexes, sharing the costs is to be expected after the first two to three dates. Or sometimes the man picks up the check and you treat him to something else.
But if a man doesn’t start out treating you to dinners, you can’t expect him to suddenly start paying for everything. Men are at their very best during the first three dates. What you see is what you get and it doesn’t get better.
Regarding the child situation, that’s another ball game. Whether or not he thought you meant maybe, he’s got kids and now they will be living with him. Do you think they might grow on you? If you want nothing to do with young kids, he’s probably not the right man for you. These decisions are very tough, but you are on target when you say better to leave now then six months from now.
Make a clean break and look for another man who is free from his child-rearing years. In addition, you might want to learn about dating protocol and what works best today.
In my book, MANifesting Mr. Right, I have an entire section on “Dating Protocol” which will help you understand things like who should pay, dating roles for men and women, red flags to watch for, a dating report card and so much more. You can get a downloadable ebook , paperback or audio on CD.
In any way format, you’ll get the same great insights, wisdom and tips on dating that will help you find the right man for you.
Wishing you love,
Ronnie – The Dating Coach
Dating: Geri Brin Seeks Love for Her Son, Colby on the Today Show
Did you see the Today Show yesterday? Geri Brin and her son Colby were on discussing his Mom’s efforts to find him a mate. Mom, Geri Brin from www.FabOver50.com who has a blog on the site, has started a section of the website for Mom’s who want to set their kids up.
She was asked, “Is this meddling Mom, setting your son up and creating a website?” Geri says “No.” Personally, I think its a great way to get publicity for her website and blog which does look pretty good. But quite frankly, it makes her son look like an idiot. Does he have any mind of his own? I’d be wary of a guy who is 31 and let’s his Mom pick out his dates.
Perhaps its just his 15 minutes of Andy Warhol fame.
He sounded OK – after all, he says he does fish on his own, but if his Mom finds some great women, why not? He dates about one in three of her matches.
Colby talked about the last date she set him up on – a very attractive woman but he dropped the ball and didn’t follow up.
What! He didn’t even follow up with a woman who is VERY ATTRACTIVE? Hey, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. Hello, can you say testosterone? Where is yours?
Well, I guess you can’t blame a Mom for trying right? Good for you Geri. Maybe now that Colby’s been on national TV, your son will grow a set and find a good woman to settle down with.
Dating Over 40: Do You Find Dating as Annoying as Mosquito Bites?

Dating Over 40 - Law of Attraction
They don”t like:
-the process
-the men they meet
-the Internet
-the dances
-to play games
-wasting time meeting people
Do you feel this way too? Can you related to this? If you said “Yes,” I’m not surprised. I hear these feelings expressed all the time in my dating coaching practice.
Let me tell you why this is a problem of tremendous proportions.
If you find the entire dating process annoying, then it has no intrinsic value. So you won’t feel like doing it. You might think that it’s all a big waste of time and not important. If you could just meet the right man and get it all over with, that would be so much better!
Boiling it down to the essence: You have a negative attitude before you even meet anyone. Starting off negative is guaranteed to produce… more negativity which is not very attractive based on the Law of Attraction. At least not attractive to anything positive. With a negative attitude about men and dating, feeling the whole thing is as annoying as mosquito bites, maybe 100 times more, who do you think you are going to attract?
Annoying men. That’s right! Because “like attract likes” with the Law of Attraction.
So what’s the solution? Let me tell you a story and once you hear the whole thing, you’ll get a better feeling for how you can shift this at least into neutral.
Over the weekend I went to an outdoor evening party. I wore long sleeves and long pants, so I was mostly covered, but I sprayed my part on the top of my head with a natural bug repellent. The mosquitoes were voracious, but I thought I had escaped.
No such luck. Monday morning when I put on my sneakers to exercise, the darn bites came to life all around my ankles where the sneakers rubbed. It felt like fire itching beyond belief. Did I take off my sneakers and not exercise? Of course not! I am committed to my exercise routine. 100%
I started walking down the street and the only thing I could think of was those bites. Itchy, itchy, itchy! Could I really walk for 30-minutes? No choice really, I’m not going to give up exercise because of a few bites. I hoped it would pass.
I began thinking about other things. Topics I actually preferred to ponder and give my energy too. Planning workshops and speaking gigs the upcoming fall season, writing on my blog, remembering how much fun the party was.
Guess what happened? When I stopped thinking about the bug bites, they stopped being front and center in my mind. And finally the horrible itching subsided. I became desensitized to the bites!
Now, let’s take the next step – or leap – and apply this to dating. When you think dating is annoying and focus on that, you experience dating as pretty darn annoying. Guaranteed as I mentioned above. Yet, if you are committed to the process because finding love is that important in your life, you accept that you will do the work any way because you are 100% committed.
You become more relaxed, friendlier and even start enjoying meeting men and your dating activities. Sometimes, it might still feel annoying. But you see it’s just part of the process. Knowing that there is no other way to find love today then to date, you accept dating as your means to an end and become desensitized to every little nuance that you encounter.
With an accepting and committed attitude, you are more positive because you know you are doing this for a purpose – to find love! You are determined to keep on going until you find it. And find it you will!
Dating may be as annoying as mosquito bites, but only if you hold that as your focus. Choose to focus instead on what you want and how you’ll feel with the right man. Sexy, alive and cherished. Or however you imagine the essence of love will feel. Go for it! The annoyance will pass and you will meet a good man. I found love over 40 and that makes me totally sure you can do it too.
photo credit: Trebol-a
Dating Over 40: How to Trust the Universe to Deliver Love

Trust the Universe - Law of Attraction
Yesterday was a tough one. I had a very big business disappointment in which an exciting partnership dissolved. We were going along smoothly, and then suddenly it was over. Just like that.
Just like the way it can be when dating a man.
As a professional dating coach, I constantly see parallels between dating situations and the rest of life. Even though I’ve been happily married now for 10 years, these analogies show up frequently, keeping how it feels to be on the dating journey for my clients, and what I personally went through, alive and vibrant in my mind.
So what do you do after a huge disappointment?
How do you handle the shock and shake it off?
How do you start the healing process?
I write in my journal and like to walk. After I hung up the receiver from speaking with my now defunct partner, I felt I had to be close to the earth. Knowing that the CT heatwave was blazing outside my door didn’t deter me. I had to walk in my backyard. So out I went, walking in the grass, looking at the flowers and connecting to nature. That was step one. Keeping myself grounded and holding onto to any sort of balance I could.
I knew how this kind of disappointment could affect me. But would I let myself slide down to that dark inner place where I’ve spent time before in this type of situation? I don’t want to go there any more. A strong desire to work through things in a new way kept me moving. Managing your energy is crucial for the Law of Attraction to work its magic.
Later, at 8:30pm, I drove to the beach to take another walk. For me, the ocean (OK Long Island Sound) is very healing. I strolled on the wet sand just below the water line, noticing the beach debris at my feet. Looking out at the hazy, post-sunset horizon, the water was calm which soothed my spirit.
The air was still so hot and sticky, I didn’t want to stay long and decided to walk to the edge of a fence as my destination. Then I went a few steps further, because I felt like it.
That’s when I saw it. Writing in the sand. All capital letters about two inches high scraped into the wet sand safely above the water’s edge. TRUST – that’s the word. I was taken aback to say the least. I looked around to see who could have done this? Who put this message on the beach for me? But there was no one to be found any where nearby.
Obviously some human left this message. But I couldn’t find the author.
When I returned home, telling the story to my husband helped it gel in my mind.
Trust. Trust what? Not my defunct partner? The rug had been yanked and firmly removed. So that wasn’t it. Who else should I trust? My husband suggested I should trust myself. Not a bad thought. Some real wisdom there and good advice. Trusting our own instincts is crucial to survival. Recovering from a big shake up like this requires self-esteem and trust in one’s own judgment.
But still I felt the message was bigger. TRUST with all capital letters… Trust in the UNIVERSE. Trust in the bigger picture, the one I don’t have the perspective to see. For I do not know what is yet to unfold and how things will work out. But when I trust in the Universe, I can feel calm and have that sense of knowing that of course everything is working out for the best
1. My business partner was not the right partner for me. If it had been right, we would still be partners.
2. Another partner, a better partner is out there. Another truth to trust in.
3. Something better for my business is on its way to me. I must remain open and believe that good things are possible so that I can remain ready to receive.
Do you see the parallels between my story as a business person and dating coach and yours as a dater?
As I turn this over in my mind and work through it to move to a better place, I share the process with you, hoping that you will find solace in it. And, that you can use a similar process to work through your own disappointments more quickly, allowing you to trust again and stay open to what is still available.
The right partner is out there
Love does exist for you
Everything is a matter of timing
Keep your belief strong and trust in yourself and the Universe to deliver.
Attitude is everything. That’s how the Law of Attraction works. Like attracts like. The quicker I can recover and trust that what is mine is coming to me, the faster I can attract the right business situation. And the quicker you can attract the love you want and deserve.
photo credit: Cougar studio
Dating Over 40: Fireworks – A Heart Opening Exercise for July 4th

Expand your heart to attract love
Close your eyes and take three deeps slow breaths. Let the air completely fill your lungs and abdomen. Feel your body relaxing with every new breath you take and let go of your cares and worries of the day as you exhale.
Imagine a beautiful night sky. The color is a deep rich blue that stretches as far as the eye can see. It has a depth to it that you have never noticed before, as if you get a true feeling for the incredibly expansive space that lies beyond the simple beauty.
The sky continues to darken as the evening sunset completely dissipates. The added darkness makes the stars pop and twinkle with incredible brilliance, dancing across the vastness before you.
This is a night of celebration and you are ready to enjoy a grand display of fireworks that will soon fill the sky. The anticipation is enlivening because you know the festivities are in honor of abundance and opportunity; energy and expansiveness. You feel totally relaxed, yet filled with the tingling expectancy of what is about to happen.
As the first wick is lit, you hear the rush of the rocket speeding upwards to the stars. The rocket bursts wide open exposing the brilliant sparkling bits of color that dazzle the night sky. At first the display is slow, and one by one the fireworks explode with color and vibrancy. Then things start to take off with many explosions occurring simultaneously, ever expanding as the colors change and spread out to completely permeate your view.
You come to a slow realization that opening your heart to love is like the fireworks. At first your heart may be tightly packed from old wounds, dashed hopes, and disappointments. But as time marches forward and you work on healing, you can shift to opening your heart and expanding it once again. This process gets you ready energetically for a loving relationship. When your heart is open, you have the chance to connect with people at a deep level.
As the fireworks continue to race upwards and burst wide open, a deep sense of calm knowing within you feels like the time is now. You are truly ready, prepared and geared up for love. You feel your heart open and allow the vastness and incredible abundance of the Universe to embrace you.
This experience fills your senses completely. And suddenly you realize that you, like the fireworks are ready to expand and reach out – like a fountain of sorts. But instead of fizzling and dissipating like fireworks, your fountain continues to flow in a radiant, glowing stream of color and light. This is dramatic proof of the abundance and never ending supply of energy that the Universe has to offer you.
This endless abundance is also true for potential romantic partners. There have never before been so many opportunities to meet single people who want a relationship. Let those fireworks shine the light on prospects who are ready too and want what you want. You have the ability to meet lots of potential partners until you find the one that is right for you. It is simply a matter of time. There is no other alternative but that you will find love. This is as certain as the stars twinkling in the night sky night after night.
As the display comes to an end, allow these good feelings to wash over you. Breathe them in and remember how this experience felt. You are connected to that endless abundance of the Universe and are one with it. You are a part of it and it is a part of you. Hold onto the expansiveness and your open heart as you go forth with your day or evening. Feel yourself like the fountain of bright light sparkling and recognize your true magnetism. What is yours will come and is already on the way. Be thankful and know it is so.
photo credit: chrislrmo
Online Dating: How Do I Weed Out the Unsavory Types?
Dear Dating Coach,
“Every time I meet someone on a dating website, they turn out to be completely opposite of what I read about them. There are also a lot of creepy people on them also. How do I weed them out?”
Missing the Mark is Missouri
Dear Missing,
Thanks for your question. Sorry to hear that folks seem different than their profiles. The problem is that most people don’t really know how to describe themselves and usually the vast majority of online profiles sound surprisingly similar. That’s why I help a lot of dating coaching clients write their profiles – so they can stand out from the crowd and get noticed more quickly.
Not sure what your “weeding” process looks like so it’s hard to comment on how to improve it. The trick is to read between the lines, email a few times, talk on the phone once or twice and meet for an hour.
I totally understand how you feel. This is exactly the kind of thing I do with my dating coaching clients who have felt like you do. We work on creating a system to qualify prospects before meeting them. And what clients have found is that with a few changes and some new savvy about the process, they get much better at reading between the lines and weeding men out who are not appropriate.
You do need to keep in mind that in order to find your prince, you will need to weed through a lot of frogs. That’s just how it works and there’s no way around it. But you will learn a tremendous amount about yourself, what you are looking for and what will work for you as you move through the process with your eyes, heart and mind open to men and love.
Sometimes women think the dating process should be really quick and easy since you can just pick the right man from the “online catalog” of match.com. (That’s a great post to read.) Unfortunately, that’s not so realistic. It takes time, patience, faith and the ability to laugh and stay light-hearted!
Don’t let yourself get down about it all. Keep in mind that every man you meet brings you one man closer to the right one for you. He’s out there I know it. I found love. So many of my clients have found love. And what that means is you too can find love.
Let me know if I can help!
photo credit: frankartculinary
Dating After Divorce: School’s Out for Summer! Get Your Social Life Moving
So it’s the last day of June and everyone is finally done with school for the year. Now let the fun begin! That means mom’s too!
What will you do on your “summer vacation”? What new things will you try? What new places will you visit? Who will you meet?
Try this exercise right now”
Imagine that it’s Labor Day and you are looking back over the entire summer.
What did you learn?
What do you wish you had done differently?
Did you have fun?
Did you meet new people?
Did you talk to lots of men?
Did you flirt and leverage your feminine charm?
How do you feel now?
Any regrets?
This is a very powerful exercise. Particularly true if you don’t want to look back with regrets. Summer is THE TIME FOR SOCIALIZING! Are you making plans? Calling friends, Searching the web and newspaper for local singles events you can attend? You better be!
When you choose me as dating coach, count on me to hold your feet to the romance fire. You are accountable and responsible for your own summer enjoyment. That means if you want something to happen, get out there! Start planning. Meet new friends. Go to BBQs, the beach, the park. Walk, jog, bike, kayak. and more than anything else, smile and be friendly to EVERYONE.
If you live in the northern part of the country, warm weather only comes around once a year. don’t let it slick through your fingers like you have in the past. The clock is ticking on your romantic life.
Wouldn’t you love to look back at a ton of fun?
Wouldn’t you feel good knowing you took a shot and got out there?
Wouldn’t you be happy with yourself if you tried at least three new things?
Wouldn’t you be thrilled to have had 5 dates with new men?
You can do it!
This summer belongs to you. Use it wisely. Make it all worthwhile. Take a few calculated risks to move your social life ahead.
No guts, no glory girlfriend. Yes, I am most definitely talking to you. Yes You!
Take out a sheet of paper and make a list right now of five things you will try. Promise yourself and me, your dating coach, that you will do everything in your power to make them come true.
You are in charge. Take advantage of your freedom and sex appeal babe. Use it or lose it.
Tick tock.
photo credit: Claudia_Ar
Dating Over 40: Five Ways to Stay Motivated on the Dating Journey
Have you been dating a long time? Maybe half your adult life? Maybe two years? For some, even six months can feel like forever. I understand. As your dating coach, I can tell you that I’ve been where you are and so have most of my clients. so how do you keep things fresh and light-hearted when you feel tired of the whole thing?
Here is a list of five ways to stay positive and motivated on your dating journey:
1. Take a break if you need one
Yup, its important to give yourself a short breather if that’s what you feel will make the shift. I believe in trusting your instincts, so if you want to stop and take a break for a couple of weeks, no problem. But don’t let this go on for too long because non-dating inertia is a hard thing to overcome. Once you lose momentum and the clock keeps ticking, sometimes this alone can prove even more de-motivating. So keep the break as brief as makes sense.
2. Use affirmations to strengthen your belief and resolve
Last week I wrote a couple of posts about creating affirmations and the Law of Attraction. Affirmations are positive statements, said in the present tense as if they are happening now. For example: I am open to meeting new people and am attracting the right man for me now. Say these statements through out the day to boost your morale and help you keep your belief strong and alive.
3. Every man you meet brings you one man closer to the right one
It’s impossible to know ahead of time how many men you will need to meet to find the right one. But one thing you do know is every man you meet, regardless of whether or not he’s the right one, brings you one step closer. think about that and let it bring you the solace you need to keep going.
4. Lighten up and just meet new people
Take the pressure off. Just be happy to meet new people. That way if you meet a string of guys who disappoint you or are nice but not for you, you can find a way to enjoy each encounter. This is an excellent practice for maximizing the number of people you know. The more you know, the more chances of meeting one of his friends, relatives, colleagues, etc who just might be the right man! Stop worrying about whether each guy is the one you’ve been looking for. Relax and you’ll be a lot more fun and magnetic for love.
5. Remember there’s only one reason to go through this journey
That’s right, only one reason. What is it? That YOU WILL MEET THE RIGHT MAN OF COURSE! Otherwise, going through all this learning, motivating, dating, meeting people serves no purpose. That doesn’t make any sense now does it? Nope!
So you must be doing this because you are on your way to finding the love you want. How’s that for a new positive philosophy? It worked for me, let me tell you! There were days when I wondered what I was doing. But then I’d sit back, get a grip on my emotional nature and realize – this experience serves no purpose unless its to meet Mr. Right. I did and so can you!
Do whatever you have to to stay positive and keep moving forward. As my matchmaker friend Nicole of C0mpatibles in Vermont says, “No one looks back after finding love and says, “Wow, what a waste of time that was!” Good point Nicole. Thank you.
Dating Over 40: 3 Ways to Apply the Law of Attraction to MANifest Love
This is the third in a series about the Law of Attraction – the Universal Principle that states “Like attracts like.” This principle works from an energetic perspective – how your energy pattern vibrates or the non-verbal messages you send out into the Universe. As your dating coach, I share these tips to help you find the love you want as quickly as possible.
For the Law of Attraction to work, the idea is that you must raise your vibration to the level of what you desire. In other words, if you want a loving relationship, you must believe you can have it and demonstrate loving behavior on your own. This is how you embody the energy and raise yours to match what you want.
Now, here are three exercises or methods that will help you accomplish this! You can use all five or pick your favorite. The key is to use whatever one you choose or all of them with consistency. Consistent application of these exercises will definitely elevate your vibration, making you more attractive to what you want.
1. Write your affirmations with a pen into a special manifesting notebook. You can also type, but I prefer the pen in hand. Listen to happy music while doing this. The idea is to feel good while writing your affirmation to be more magnetic. Fill a page or write for 15 minutes, which ever feels best. Thanks to Terry Hernon MacDonald for this method – she used it to meet her husband. You can read about all of her methods here.
2. Develop a song or chant out of your affirmation. This is what I did to MANifest my husband. You can write your own music if you’re a creative type or redo lyrics to a favorite song. When I used this technique, I sang the affirmation all the time – in the shower, washing dishes, on my walk in the early morning (OK I stopped when people passed me by so they couldn’t hear).
Its been my experience that this works best when moving your body and exercise adds to the vibrational lift. With or without exercise, sing until your heart fills, until your smile is contagious. This works! You know its working when the song just pops into your head on its own.
3. Create a “Treasure Map” which is a visual representation of your affirmation. it should illustrate how you’ll feel with the right man and what you’ll do together. It can include words that describe him, how you’ll feel as well as photos. Don’t show a man’s face – its not a particular man – its your right guy. We don’t’ know what he looks like . You can show a silhouette of a man or lovers and the back of a man if you like.
Put the complete treasure map in a place you pass by regularly so you can see it often. The point is to visually stimulate the feelings to elevate your vibration. If you are a visual person, this works really well.
Of course there are many other ways to apply the Law of Attraction, but there are three good ones to get you started. to learn more about powerful MANifesting techniques, chapter seven in my book MANifesting Mr. Right has 4 more ideas for you. Get your own copy now and happy MANifesting!
Dating After 40: He Just Doesn’t Have the Spark

He Has No Spark?
Janet has been dating the whole time I’ve known her. Some relationships went better than others. She does manage to meet men and end up in relationships, but I’m taking a risk to say that Janet is a “Relationship Jumper” – that’s one of the six categories I’ve seen for daters in my dating coaching practice.
Talking with a mutual friend over the weekend, Susan shared with me that Janet is seeing a guy who she almost kicked to the curb. Not surprising to me. The reason? “He just didn’t have the spark.” At close to 60, Janet still is insisting on scintillating chemistry that must persist through the test of time. Can any man live up to such scrutiny and expectations? I have to say, I think not.
To me, as a dating coach with heart for the single woman over 40 who just wants to find a loving companion, its a very sad statement. Should a woman settle for less than she wants just becuase she is nearing 60? OF COURSE NOT! But with some decent life experiece under her belt, you think she’d have figured this out by now.
Luckily, she’s hooked up with a fairly savvy man. When she told him she didn’t want to see him any more, they talked about it for awhile. Throughout the weekend, the discussion continued without any drama. Jim managed to hold the talk at arms length and take a good look at the situation.
So, when the weekend was coming to an end, Jim said, “Why are we ending this? Didn’t we have a nice weekend?” To which Janet replied, “Yes, yes we did.” They are still seeing each other. Good for you Jim! And good for you too Janet. Where are you going? How much spark do you need? What does that really mean?
If you can have a nice weekend with a man who you told to take a hike, a man who could weather that potential storm with such grace that you can still enjoy a nice weekend, how bad is he? Sounds like a keeper to me.
Stop looking for the perfect spark. It’s not reality. That twinkle in his eye, which I have written about before is a movie trick. It’s written into the script and when it shows up in life, it’s not real and the man is usually an “ungettable” man.. “Twinklicious” is mostly a measure for a man’s lack of emotional availability, rather than something truly desirable.
Janet, as your dating coach and friend, please re-evaluate Jim because I think you’ve found a rare man who sees that special woman you are. He’s a match for you and a master of the game you tried playing. Just this once, don’t push him away. Please let him stay and win. You’ll win too.
Photo credit: bm01
Related Posts:
The problem with Mr. Twinkle Eye
Dating Over 40: I’m Desperate for Things to Work with Him
Have you ever felt desperate for things to work out with a man? You met this guy and the two of you hit it off. Everything fell into place easily and you were elated to have found such a great guy. But as the weeks pass, maybe in week 8 or week 12, something shifted.
At first the change was minor and you barely noticed it – but you sort of did. With each week he seemed a little more distant. A little busier. Maybe he called less or he texted more. It’s hard to put your finger on but you know, you KNOW something is different.
Your man seems to be losing interest. What should you do?
Some women go into hyper-drive to show the guy what a great woman you are. You might cook more, make cookies, or offer to help with a project. Other women try being even more flexible, bending over backwards to get the guy’s attention. Still others call more often, hoping he just needs a break and you can take over for now…
Inside you may be panicking, wondering if you are imagining things or making up problems where there are none. You call your girlfriends, spending too much time analyzing each move and comment he makes. It’s unnerving, disquieting and very uncomfortable.
What do these scenarios have in common? They are all actions and thought patterns motivated by fear – the fear of losing it even if it was not fully realized. They are thoughts and acts of a woman desperate to recapture what was and rekindle the flame that seems to be diminishing and possibly going out. I totally understand – many clients feeel this way. I have felt this way too.
Just the other day a woman called who was worried about her 5 week relationship. Darla had met Jack online and was very into him. But Jack had a lot of baggage – extremely difficult ex wife, small children and lots of mistrust based on women cheating on him.
Jack wanted to take things slowly. When Darla and Jack were together it was pure heaven, but getting together, that wasn’t so easy. And, Jack just put Darla off for a couple of weeks with the excuse – family obligations.
Darla called me in a total panic. She explained her own trepidations that Jack might not come through. Darla wanted to see things work out. From this dating coach’s perspective, I see RED FLAGS FLYING!
1. 5 weeks and Darla is very tied to this guy. But she’s only had four dates – how well does she know him – really?
2. Jack has admitted that he’s afraid of being hurt – not completely emotionally available is he?
3. Jack has retreated for a few weeks – after only the fifth week - not relationship ready perhaps?
Darla’s panic is not a good sign. I wondered why she is so invested at this early stage? That’s too much pressure on a budding romance. Whether or not you choose me as your dating coach, I always explain how the first 4-10 dates are not yet a relationship. It’s just dating or as I call it “data gathering”, observing a man’s behavior to see how you get along, if you enjoy each others’ company and if there is long-term potential worthy of your time.
If you feel panic and would like to transform that feeling, I’m here to help you. Whether or not you choose me as your dating coach, there are many strategies that can help like:
- Dating more than one man at a time
- Pulling back so he can come forward
- Managing your own energy and expectations
Each one of these methods can make a tremendous difference in your dating experience and success. Can you see the benefit and hear the opportunity in feeling supported by a professional dating coach? Don’t let things spiral out of control. Give me a call 203-877-3777 and let’s discuss how you can have a more relaxed dating experience.













