Singles in America Survey

According to the second annual Singles in America Survey conducted on behalf of Match.com, only 12.7% of singles today are actively looking for a relationship! Can you believe that?

As a dating coach for women, I find this number shocking. And yet, maybe not when I really think about it. Over the last 10 years I’ve heard it all so here’s another statistic that more accurately reflects my professional experience. Nearly half of American singles (46.8%) would “consider” a relationship if they met the right person. However, they aren’t doing anything about it!

I cannot tell you how many people don’t want to be bothered looking for love. They claim they don’t know where to look or how to get started, or even more amazing, don’t know how to be friendly with the opposite sex.

Sadly, this is the statistic I see play out which explains why so many women and men remain single.

If you are one of these people who would like to have love in your life, but aren’t motivated to seek it out, let me share an extremely important fact:

Love isn’t like spontaneous combustion, bursting into flames on its own. Even with Valentine’s Day approaching, Cupid doesn’t simply draw his bow to magically bring love to your doorstep. If you want love, YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING TO FIND IT!

I call this the Lazy Lover Syndrome and while I knew it was prevalent, I had no idea that nearly half the US population felt this way. Even last night I spoke with a client who asked me why she had to flirt and be friendly. After all, isn’t it the man’s job to pursue her?

There it is in a nutshell – Lazy Lover Syndrome. “Why do I have to do anything?” There is an incredibly simple explanation. If you want love, then it’s up to you to attract and find it. You have to be actively engaged in the dating process. At the very least, you have to get out to meet new people so you can cross paths with the men who might be looking for a woman like you right? He won’t find you on your couch!

While it’s my job to help formulate your dating plan, find ways to keep you feeling positive, and unravel the confusion and mystery that constitutes dating, I cannot “make” you do anything. I cannot motivate you to become an active dater.

But, there is extremely good news that these statistics deliver. This is the silver lining I promised you in the headline:

With such a small portion of the population looking for love, you now have far less competition than you ever dreamed!

That’s right – think about it. With 17% in relationships, and only 13% actively seeking, that leaves 70% of the other women out of the dating pool! I would hope that makes you feel a lot better about your chances of finding love. Because IF you are willing to get out there to meet people, statistically, you have very few women to compete with. (Even if it doesn’t “look” this way.)

Love is worth it!  As my matchmaker friend  Nicole LeClerc from Compatibles in Vermont often says, “No one looks back after finding love at their dating experience to say, ‘That was a waste of time!’ “The truth is, once you find love, you know that everything you went through to make that connection was completely worthwhile. I found love over 40 which is why I KNOW you can do it too.

Photo Credit: Aunt Owwee’s

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10 Resolutions to Find Love

I wanted to share with you my top 10 New Year’s  Resolutions to Find love in 2012. They were recently posted on the Best Daily Dates’s blog! As a dating coach for women over 40, these are the kinds of tips I share with my clients to help them find love faster. Here are a few highlights, but you can see all 10 on their website.

2. I will give more types of people a chance.

One of the biggest challenges my clients face is seeking a specific type of person. I encourage them to cast a wider net so they can date a variety of people. Often, when you have a type, that person ahs the good things you like along with all the characteristics that cause your relationships to end. Think back to all the people you have dated who were exactly your type…where are they now? Chances are, if you get past your type, you’ll find a better partner.

7. I will look for what IS GOOD in people.

It’s so easy to find fault with your dates. The challenge I ask of my dating coaching clients is for them to find what IS GOOD about their dates. When you start to notice the good in people, you will be more open, easier to be with, more fun and far more approachable and attractive to the opposite sex. There is a lot of good in the single people out there, even if that person isn’t right for you. Shift your perspective and discover how it lightens your spirit and gives you a more positive attitude.

8. I will not “bash” the other gender for fun with friends.

I work with my dating coaching clients to help them understand this universal principle. When you talk badly about the opposite sex, you send out negative vibes. Oh yes, men and women can tell when you have a negative attitude about them as a group. It’s like a gray cloud that hangs over your head making you far less attractive. I know this can be  fun with friends, but I advise you to stop doing it. You’ll thank me when you notice how many more positive interactions you have with people.

Get all 10 Resolutions here 

Photo Credit: Mommamia

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5 Golden Rings

Remember that fun Christmas song “A Partridge in a Pair Tree”? It has gifts that you sing about – one for each of the 12 days of Christmas. The fifth day features “5 golden rings”.  As a single woman, when you hear this, your thoughts might drift off to something like…Five? All I need is one!

It’s true, one golden ring is what many single women seek. For some, you have not found the right man yet and haven’t gotten to the altar. For others, you’ve been to the altar and back, having gotten divorced. Yet, you might want to marry again. And why not, if that is your heart’s desire?

So, this ring you dream of, how are you going to get it? You can’t grab it on the carousel – that’s a brass ring. You won’t likely find what you want in a box of Crackerjacks either. You can buy one for yourself, but the sentiment won’t be there. It’s not one of the gold rings from the Olympics.

The ring you want is a symbol, not just a piece of gold jewelry. It’s a symbol of commitment and love.

If you have a deep desire to find love, as your dating coach I entreat you! Do something about it!

Now you may say to me, Ronnie, I’ve done a lot to meet the right man, but still haven’t found him. OK, I hear you. It happens. These things can take time. If you’ve been dating for a while without getting the results you want, here’s a clue about what to do next…

Try something different.

You see, if you want your result to be different, you have to DO something different. You can’t keep following the same footsteps, attending the same dances, going to the same bars, or whatever you are doing and expect that something miraculous will happen. Uh uh. Nope, that’s not how things work.

Here are some suggestions to get you out of your dating rut:

1. Conduct a self-assessment to see if  you might be in your own way.
   - Are you friendly enough?
   - Are you too picky?
   - Are you quick to judge?
   - Do you have a type?
   - Are you fun and easy to be with?
   - Do you complain a lot about dating to the men you meet?
2. Is your confidence where it should be? What can you do to bolster your self-esteem?
3. You have to follow a new path with some new avenues to meet men.
   - Look up some Meetup groups
   - Talk to other singles to find out what they do and where they go
   - Get over your fear of online dating and give it a shot.

Are ready to give online dating a chance?

I’ve got an amazing Online Dating workshop for you that starts January 16th.

How to Sizzle vs. Fizzle Online

This group coaching program will show you how to write a profile that gets attention and emails that get answered. Get tips about your photo and what to expect. When you know the inside scoop about this powerful way to meet lots of men quickly, you’ll not only feel more comfortable, you won’t get frustrated like other singles do. That’s because you’ll be working with a dating coach and expert who knows how to get the most out of your online dating efforts.

If you act fast, you can not only save $50, but you’ll also get an incredible bonus worth $257!

Click here to get all the details and register. Save your spot because this is going to be the best coaching program happening in January, 2012!

Photo Credit: Corinna A. Carlson

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Happy Thanksgiving - What Are You Grateful For?

This weekend I had a table at a wonderful women’s event about beauty on the inside and out. I had several very interesting exchanges with some of the women in which they shared their beliefs about the men available on the “single’s scene”. Holy Moly – what an earful I got!

To be honest, some of this really shocked me. On the other hand, you may not be surprised at all. While I talk to women all the time wherever I go, I don’t usually run into a streak like this all at once, which is why it struck me so deeply.

Even though these stories are somewhat sad, each one is based on assumptions these women made about ALL MEN. You know what they say about assumptions? When you assume, you make an “ass out of u and me”.

Here are their stories:

Story #1
Beth is 56. Her second husband passed away just 2.5 years ago. Beth has met some men, having dated about 8 guys. But none were the right match and now she feels strongly that she’d prefer to be alone.

I understand this and I never say that every woman should be in a relationship. It is a choice whether or not you want a man in your life.

Beth proceeded to tell me how she doesn’t want to turn down invitations because she’s with a man who doesn’t want to go, or do his laundry or be bothered by his moods, etc. No kidding this went on for at least 20-minutes. Beth is very sure about not finding value in a relationship with a man.

I don’t know anything about her marriage. But I said to Beth, “What I find most confusing about this conversation, is that you assume the next man you’d find would be EXACTLY LIKE YOUR LATE HUSBAND. What are the possibilities of that happening?”

That stopped her in her tracks. Beth looked at me with surprise in her eyes and took a moment to think about it. She didn’t respond. So I continued with, “Every man is unique. You don’t have to date a man who isn’t social or one who is moody. And you don’t have to do his laundry either.”

The conversation completely turned in a new direction after that until Beth soon walked away.

Story #2
Marsha is 67. The minute she discovered I was a dating coach, she began ranting about how ALL MEN ASK FOR MONEY. Her girlfriends have been online and they all have been scammed by these gold diggers.

I asked her, “Marsha, really? All men, the millions of men on the internet, are scammers? How many girlfriends are we talking about?” Marsha replied indignantly, “Three!” My reply, “So three women you know who probably don’t know the first thing about how to date online, have been approached (probably by the same scammer) by these unscrupulous men who want money, so you naturally believe all men are scammers ?”

Marsha took my card and went into the presentation.

Story #3
Valerie is 58 and once she found out I’m a dating coach, she launched into her own tirade about how ALL MEN ARE LIARS. She asked me sarcastically to let her know when I find one who doesn’t lie. I told Valerie I was so  sorry she had that experience. It’s truly awful to be lied to. Then I asked how many men had lied to her. “Just one and that is enough!” she snapped.

Valerie thinks all men are liars. Does that make all women victims of lying? No I don’t think so. By the way, men don’t corner the market on lying or any of these unpleasant qualities.

Plenty of women actively lie, cheat, misrepresent, are moody, difficult, don’t want to go out, are bitchy and gold dig. But you and I both know that ALL WOMEN are not like this because certainly, you and I are not, right?

Thanksgiving Homework to Open Your Heart

I am asking you to think about your blanket statements, generalizations, and assumptions about men. How accurate are these beliefs? Think about the men who have done you wrong and count them up.

Then think about the other men in your life who might not have been romantic partners. Men who are/were good people. These men might be your friends’ husbands, cousins, uncles, father, bosses, co-workers, volunteers, from the gym, at the grocery store, professionals who have served you well, friends, etc.

Keep in mind that men are literally every where, so there have got to be some good specimens in your life. Please make a list of the good men you know or have known in your life, even in the last 10 years.

Next, and this is a biggie, GIVE THANKS FOR THESE GOOD MEN. Yes, give thanks for their contribution, support, smiles, pleasantries, compliments, service, spirit, good nature, etc. This is for yourself and does not need to be verbalized to the men.

All men are not evil by nature. In fact, the vast majority of men are regular guys just trying to live their lives the best they can. Don’t dump out the baby with the bathwater as the old adage says. You do both yourself and the other half of the human population a terrible disservice.

As Your Dating Coach, Please Remember this Important Fact:
A woman who can see good in people and has a grateful heart is very attractive and smiles more. I want to see you smile and enjoy the benefits of an open, grateful heart, regardless of your decision to find a romantic relationship or enjoy the single life. Either way, you win when you are grateful for what is good and live with an open, loving heart.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Photo Credit: Ennon

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The Dating Goddess

I read a great post on the Dating Goddess’s blog about what language choice has to say about who your date is. I think there is a lot of information in how a person expresses him or herself and much that we can learn.

The Dating Goddess (DG) is a very successful business consultant whose work takes her around the world. She’s also an award winning blogger on the topic of dating. As an independent woman she brings up this very interesting topic and shares how she prefers that men make requests rather than issue commands. Overall, I tend to agree.

DG shares an example out of song that plays during a workout from her gym. The line in the song says” Slide on over here baby” which in terms of English structure is a command vs. a request. The lyric doesn’t ask the woman to slide over, but tells her directly what he wants. DG points out that some women might consider this a request because the woman doesn’t have to do as he says -  she is free to choose to comply or not.

In addition, the Dating Goddess admits there is a sliding scale on commands. In other words, a couple of commands can be endured, but there is a tipping point when this type of communication becomes unappealing. Agreed! She also acknowledges that some might think a man asking a question is not as masculine. Depends on the command and how its delivered.

Here’s my response to DG and I’d love to hear what you think as well so please share below.

*****

DG – I agree that you can tell a lot about a person from their use of language. I also think there’s a time and place for everything.

Instead of your “slide on over here baby” example, let’s look at a different one. What if a man asks, “Can I kiss you?” Some women might be fine with that. However, many would feel awkward. They’d prefer he just took a shot to kiss rather than making them say “Yes” first before he plants his lips.

I get it that independent women don’t want to be ordered around. I love the line from an old favorite movie “Working Girl” with Melanie Griffith. She yells at her boyfriend, telling him, “I am not steak. You cannot just order me.” (I know that’s close).

On the other hand, many independent women want a man who is an alpha male; a man who can lead, take charge, and – act like a man. Is it realistic to expect an alpha male to be ultra considerate and rephrase all his thoughts as requests?

To me, if a good man get’s it right most of the time, let’s cut him a little slack and “slide over”.  All relationships require some compromise right?

*****

As a dating coach, here are three things I want you to think about:

1. How do you communicate your preferences? What’s good for the gander is good for the goose right?
2. You can more flies with honey – an old adage that holds true today more than ever since everyone is in such a hurry. A little sweetness can go a long way.
3. Everyone is entitled to a few nitpicks and quirks. However, what might you lighten up on to leave yourself more room for a man to appeal?

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Don't chase men

–Wanting him back in Cleveland

Dear Wanting,

Sorry to hear you are having trouble. Yeah, chasing a guy is not the best strategy for winning him over. What works best is to follow a man’s lead. That way you‘ll know how interested he is.

As a dating coach for women over 40, I tell clients all the time not to chase men.  When you do this, you take over his job. It’s the man’s role to pursue down to his DNA. This is biology we’re talking about.  Even though we have achieved much equality in the work place, dating has not caught up. But honestly, it works better this way.

If  you say thank you and are appreciative of his efforts, if you are available for dates or provide alternative options, if you are warm, friendly and make him feel good about his choices – that’s how you let a man know you like him. Observing what he’ll do to win you over is how you know his interest level in you.

Since it sounds like your guy is pulling back, do not lean forward. Your best bet at this point is to relax. Sit back and let him come to you. If he doesn’t – that tells you something. And, if he does come for you – then you know he’s interested and did this because he wants you. When men take action without your prodding, it’s so much more meaningful.

The chase is still alive.  Being a dating coach for over nine years now, I’ve seen this scenario repeat itself over and over again. If you want to win the dating game, learn to play follow the leader. This doesn’t make you a door mat – it makes you a wise, strategic woman who knows how to get what she wants.

Hope things work out!

Wishing you love,

Ronnie

Photo Credit: Zaid Balushi

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Where to find love

However,  rather than focusing on “where” to find love, I’m going to share some new research on love that is truly remarkable. And there’s a lot of it – too much for me to mention in one post. But I’ll share a couple of real gems that I find reassuring and sort of mind-blowing too.

First of all – have you heard of HeartMath? I was first introduced to HeartMath by Dr. Deborah Rozman, one of the speakers from the Soulmate Summit. In her program, Deborah discussed how to activate your heart’s intelligence to attract a mate. I found her information fascinating as she explained about the Institute of HeartMath (IHM)  and what they do. This organization has been doing research on how to destress and helping people establish what they call “heart-based living”.

This group has found a real medical connection between your heart patterns, emotions and stress levels. Isn’t that amazing? I think so! Now you have even more reasons to want to find heart connections and de-stress – it will help you live longer.

Innovators in this connection, the Institute for HeartMath has created programs to help children perform better on tests and build better social skills. With a wide range of programs and techniques created to de-stress and live better, IHM helps people in 50 countries to build the emotional resilience needed for today’s world. And we sure need it!

How to Find Love

I find this fascinating and feel strongly that the information I dig up will help my dating coaching clients discover how to find love more quickly and choose better partners as well. Right now, I’m in the process of immersing myself in a learning campaign about love. Join me as I start to report on my journey to learn everything I can. I will be sharing knowledge, tips and techniques as I expand my dating coaching  tool box to help women over 40 find the love they want and deserve – even faster!

Photo Credit: The Pink Peppercorn

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Hurricane Irene

It gets dark now at 8pm. What’s a girl to do? Read by flashlight! Oh yes, I became a pro. I finished a couple of books. It’s amazing how much you can read when you can’t get on Facebook etc…

But the weather was beautiful all week so I worked to clean up all the broken branches in my yard. Went for a walk in my neighborhood. Luckily it wasn’t very hot, nor was it winter  with no electricity!

As a dating coach for women over 40, I often take lessons from my own life and use them as a spring board for dating.

So, what dating situation are you in that’s not up to par? What can you do to make the most of things? How can you look at things differently? What can you try today that you haven’t never considered before? To find love, you will need to make lemonade from lemons, or read by flashlight when the lights don’t work. The trick is to stretch yourself, think and try new ideas, and get out of your comfort zone.

I know you can do it. And let me remind you why it’s so worth it.

Last Monday night I was not my pleasant self. Nope. I was raging. Sick of the outage. Worried about things. Feeling out of control. My husband came home. He had a very hard day because of the storm damage. I started ranting – I just couldn’t help myself.

He remained calm, listened to me and then said, “Hey let’s get Chinese food and go to the movies tonight.” That’s why I married Paul! What a difference that made in my mood. I felt renewed and ready to face another day of no electricity. Having a good partner is worth every miserable date you’ll ever go on. Once you find the right man for you, you won’t look back. You’ll look ahead to many good years with a loving man who will  help enrich your life.

If you’ve given up – get back out there! If you are out there, smile more and try something new. Just keep this story in mind and remember, there is no doubt, it’s completely and totally worth your efforts!

Photo Credit: PennStateLive

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Get a New Viewpoint on Your Midlife Love Life

I went away this past Sunday and Monday. We didn’t have a plan beyond driving to Massachusetts. Everything started out well. We found a flea market and the weather was gorgeous. Next there was lunch in a Tibetan restaurant. Something different! So far so good.

Then the rain started. Still not so bad. We kept driving. The scenic route wasn’t so scenic in the rain. After 90-minutes I started to feel car-bound and cranky. Not even a place to stop for tea.

Hunger set in. Now I’m feeling a trapped and hungry. I was looking for a restaurant. Nada. I tried to revive myself, to be upbeat, perky and happy.

It was time to start looking for a place to stay. We passed seedy motels, driving through rural town after town. I noticed one place that looked better than the others.  I didn’t want to stay there, but made a mental note, calling it Plan B. I was craving Plan A. A nice hotel with a pool.

Finally, we gave up and turned around. I pouted. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I couldn’t let go of wanting to stay in a nice place. 

You know how it is when you have your heart set on something and it just doesn’t seem to materialize…You know what I’m talking about I’m quite sure. Like when you are going to singles events or doing online dating and want to meet a few decent guys. But, all you see are the seedy motels…

Turning the car around, we didn’t get too far when I noticed a sign I hadn’t seen going past it the first time. “Orchards”. What a nice sign – pull in, pull in! This place was light years from the Plan B motel. I felt nervous – they might not have any rooms or worse, it might be too expensive.

I walked into the hotel and up to the front desk. Nancy was behind the counter and she smiled when I asked, “Do you have any rooms and…how much?” Nancy said, “Well we have a room on the courtyard for $525 and then we have our standard rooms.” Gulp. That was me gulping. Then she said, “Why don’t I give you the courtyard room for the standard rate tonight? It’s just $160.”  I ran out like a wild woman yelling, ”Park the car!”

The first day of this outing was up and down. And just when I felt at my worst, I looked at things from a new angle by turning the car around. Shifting direction can change your situation. That’s when I discovered EXACTLY what I wanted!

Are you stuck at what feels like a dead end in your love life? Maybe you don’t like the road you’re traveling. Turn around!  If you are dating over 40 or dating after divorce, I’m asking , what new angles on your search can you discover? How might you look at your love life and options with new eyes to find exactly what you’ve been looking for? Or notice men you hadn’t even considered before.

As a dating coach for women over 40, I often tell my clients that perspective is EVERYTHING. It completely colors your life experience and what you can attract into your world. When you can shift directions and get a fresh view of the same old thing, you have a chance to notice what might have been available but you couldn’t see it.

Just when you feel like giving up, sometimes that’s the exact moment everything changes. If you’re at that point, hold out a little longer. Don’t give up! The right man for you might be just around the corner. Try changing directions or looking from a new vantage point to discover if in fact, the man you ‘ve been seeking turns up unexpectedly.

Photo credit: Kulp

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Dating over 40

When you go to a big event where you don’t know a lot of people, do you find it difficult to keep that happy smile on your face? If you said yes, I know what you mean.

I just attended a 3-day workshop in Florida and people were simply loving it! While much of the event was very good, I have to admit, I didn’t love it all like others seemed to. Most of the time I kept that happy face on so I could appear at my best as I met new folks.

With a room full of 180 attendees, every step I took meant I might be meeting someone new. That’s a lot of smiling and hand shaking. So, when you tell me its hard to attend single events where you don’t know many of the people, I understand, believe me.

How can you move through these events, keep a smile planted on your face and still be true to yourself? Here’s how I maneuvered through the three days to meet as many new folks as possible and still be myself. As a dating coach for women over 40, I want to make your quest for love as easy as possible.

1. I shared my stories and experiences with the new people I was sitting with, but limited my comments more than I would have to good friends. With those close to me I might have made a few funny snide comments. However, in this situation, I refrained as much as possible so no one would get the wrong impression.

2. I simply listened at times and gave myself  a rest, letting someone else talk and share. This was a key resource.

3. I took breaks! There was an evening session and 20-minutes into the event, I realized it was better for me to go upstairs to my room and watch TV. Push yourself, but when you’re tired or feel done, stop. Honor yourself by taking care of yourself. This will keep everyone smiling.

4. When I met someone and we had nothing in common, I said,”Nice meeting you” and moved on. The concept of “Next!” works in networking as well as dating.

5. Even if you have a few moments of discomfort, don’t blow it out of proportion. Keep the picture of the entire event in mind so your take away is from the totality of the event, not just what happened when you talked with a few idiots. (This is a lot like not throwing the baby out with the bath water.)

Meeting a lot of new people is taxing. But it can also be tons of fun! I met some truly wonderful people in that room filled with 180 healers, therapists, coaches, artists, etc.  They weren’t all my style, but overall, I had  a fabulous time which was a very welcomed outcome.

If you can take a step back and look at the big picture, keep that smile on your face most of the time and relax, you can make the most of any event or opportunity to meet men.

The most important thing to keep in mind is this:

You never know who might be your connection to “the one”. All the more reason to smile, be nice and friendly and be the best you can be. Then put our feet up, have a glass of wine and know you made the most of the opportunity.

Photo Credit: Kansir

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