Singles in America Survey

According to the second annual Singles in America Survey conducted on behalf of Match.com, only 12.7% of singles today are actively looking for a relationship! Can you believe that?

As a dating coach for women, I find this number shocking. And yet, maybe not when I really think about it. Over the last 10 years I’ve heard it all so here’s another statistic that more accurately reflects my professional experience. Nearly half of American singles (46.8%) would “consider” a relationship if they met the right person. However, they aren’t doing anything about it!

I cannot tell you how many people don’t want to be bothered looking for love. They claim they don’t know where to look or how to get started, or even more amazing, don’t know how to be friendly with the opposite sex.

Sadly, this is the statistic I see play out which explains why so many women and men remain single.

If you are one of these people who would like to have love in your life, but aren’t motivated to seek it out, let me share an extremely important fact:

Love isn’t like spontaneous combustion, bursting into flames on its own. Even with Valentine’s Day approaching, Cupid doesn’t simply draw his bow to magically bring love to your doorstep. If you want love, YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING TO FIND IT!

I call this the Lazy Lover Syndrome and while I knew it was prevalent, I had no idea that nearly half the US population felt this way. Even last night I spoke with a client who asked me why she had to flirt and be friendly. After all, isn’t it the man’s job to pursue her?

There it is in a nutshell – Lazy Lover Syndrome. “Why do I have to do anything?” There is an incredibly simple explanation. If you want love, then it’s up to you to attract and find it. You have to be actively engaged in the dating process. At the very least, you have to get out to meet new people so you can cross paths with the men who might be looking for a woman like you right? He won’t find you on your couch!

While it’s my job to help formulate your dating plan, find ways to keep you feeling positive, and unravel the confusion and mystery that constitutes dating, I cannot “make” you do anything. I cannot motivate you to become an active dater.

But, there is extremely good news that these statistics deliver. This is the silver lining I promised you in the headline:

With such a small portion of the population looking for love, you now have far less competition than you ever dreamed!

That’s right – think about it. With 17% in relationships, and only 13% actively seeking, that leaves 70% of the other women out of the dating pool! I would hope that makes you feel a lot better about your chances of finding love. Because IF you are willing to get out there to meet people, statistically, you have very few women to compete with. (Even if it doesn’t “look” this way.)

Love is worth it!  As my matchmaker friend  Nicole LeClerc from Compatibles in Vermont often says, “No one looks back after finding love at their dating experience to say, ‘That was a waste of time!’ “The truth is, once you find love, you know that everything you went through to make that connection was completely worthwhile. I found love over 40 which is why I KNOW you can do it too.

Photo Credit: Aunt Owwee’s

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Ground Hog Day - Your Dating Shadow Side

What is your “Shadow Side” when it comes to dating? It’s that side of you that you prefer to ignore.  One powerful example of this is if you are a clingy, needy woman, a behavior that will definitely cause a man to high tail it. Let’s examine what I’m talking about.

A clingy, needy woman:

• Calls, emails and texts frequently
• Feels the need to check up on her man
• Wants to spend all her free time with her guy
• Thinks her man is the answer to all her problems
• Does nice things for her man to show him how great he has it

As your dating coach, I hope you are starting to get the picture. Overall, its just too much attention for most men, especially at the beginning of a new relationship. I guarantee you, lavishing your man with attention will not make him want you more. Sadly, the exact opposite is the result. He can’t seem to get away fast enough. This is one reason why men simply disappear when you think everything is going so beautifully.

Another trap involves collapsing your life into his. In time, this can leave you with no life of your own, putting you in a highly precarious position should you break up. It also makes you a heck of a lot less interesting.

The Overwhelming Desire for Reassurance

I understand that you want reassurance and want to know how he feels about you. But there is a limit and the truth is, he can never really make you feel that everything is OK. The reason is because this feeling that must come from within you.

If you recognize yourself in any of these behaviors or motivations, this is your “Dating  Shadow Side”. Just as the Punxsutawney Phil, the Ground Hog, saw his shadow today, February 2nd, its time for you to see this part of yourself as well.

What can you do once you realize your behaviors could be sabotaging your dating karma?

1. Start with efforts to raise your level of confidence

• Take good care of yourself. Update your look with new hair, makeup or clothing
• Work with a personal trainer to get fit
• Read about building confidence
• Use positive self talk to help you believe you are a wonderful deserving woman
• Try therapy if you feel that would help

2. Find ways to enrich your life without a man

• Learn something new like a language, sport, or hobby
• Join a book club
• Start a big project you’ve been putting off
• Spend time with friends or family
• Pick a charity and donate your time

3. Learn ways to handle your sabotaging urges

Much has been written about how to curb self-sabotaging behaviors. Come up with a plan of your own to fend off urges until they subside which might include:

• Taking a walk
• Exercising at the gym
• Calling a girlfriend
• Watching a movie
• Positive self-talk such as “Everything is working out perfectly or  I’m OK right now”
• Reading a book
• Take a bubble bath
• Pamper yourself

Facing your Dating Shadow Side is empowering and healing. Once you acknowledge the behaviors that push men away, you have a chance of correcting and replacing them with something healthier. And you automatically improve your chances to connect with a wonderful man and finding the love you want and deserve.

Art Credit: Blue Stone Graphics

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Dating Goddess

Have you ever read The Dating Goddess’s blog? She writes fabulous posts about being over 40 and single.

In a recent post, she had a conversation with a guy friend who’d like to date her,. He explained the attraction she has,

“You have this tough, businesslike, ‘don’t mess with me’ exterior. But inside, you’re soft and gooey.”The Dating Goddess responded, “Like a Tootsie-pop!” And her friend said, “Exactly. Soft and delicious once you get past the hard shell.”

The Dating Goddess (DG) went on to talk about how men get to the gooey center when they take the time to get to know her and stick around. DG also pointed out how many men are intimidated by successful women today who have developed this “don’t mess with me” demeanor and several commenters agreed.

Should a Man Have to Break Through Your Shell to See Who You Really Are?

In her blog’s comment section, I acknowledged that DG had started a great conversation. And the comments were thought provoking – much like the proverbial question, “Which came first? The chicken or the egg?”

Here’s my take from my own dating experiences and from having worked with thousands of  women over 40:

It’s the “promise” of the gooey center, beneath the hard exterior, that captivates a man’s attention and makes him curious. I can see why women want a man to prove himself first before they are willing to show this vulnerable side. Yet, can you realistically expect a heart connection if you aren’t willing to be a little vulnerable?

I understand how you’ve been hurt and disappointed before and I don’t blame you. I have the deepest empathy for your feelings. However, what I know first hand, is this – if you can’t be warm and somewhat open, you have little chance of getting a man to stick around long enough to see that yummy, pleasing side of you.

Now you may wonder – why is that? Here’s the answer in a nutshell. Most men are seeking a counterpart. They want a woman who is comfortable with her feminine nature to balance their masculine nature. A woman who uses her feminine charm actually brings out more of his masculine side – which feels REALLY GOOD for a man. And let’s not forget this crucial fact for your love life success:

Men pick women who make them FEEL GOOD.

How can you do this without getting hurt again? Well, its hard. You might get hurt again. But, you can be smart. I’m not asking you to jump in with both feet and throw all caution to the wind. Of course a man needs to prove himself to you. At the same time, you need to find a way to let him see and entice him with your gooey soft center.  This peak under the tent, builds his desire to find out more about you!

If you don’t do this, you can see why a man might think you just sport a hard shell and there’s nothing beneath that besides…more hard shell. That’s your business demeanor and it isn’t likely help you land a strong man. You might land a man with more feminine energy who seeks the balance through your well-developed masculine side. Chances are though – that you won’t be happy with that.

This is something I know a lot about because I am a “chick in charge”.  When I was in the corporate world, I was a woman to be reckoned with. Tough as nails because I had to be. That’s was required to be good at my job. This will get you promoted, but it will NEVER HELP YOU LAND A GOOD MAN.

My advice? Find ways to let your warmth show.

Your softness and gooey center is your feminine charm. Yes, men want a woman who is confident AND also knows how to show her feminine side. It is your feminine charm that attracts a man to you and wins a man over. Don’t wear that hard exterior like a badge of honor when you are seeking a date. Keep that for business and display your yummy, fudgy center (like the Tootsie Pop) when you interact with men romantically.

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5 Reasons Why Men Cheat

Sadly, how many of you have had to handle a cheating man? This is purely crazy-making and heart breaking. Wreaking havoc, their destructive, callus behavior twists you into emotional knots that go very deep.

This situation spawns countless questions. More than anything, women want to know why.

• Why did he cheat on me?
• Why her?
• What’s better about her than me?
• What did I do to deserve this?
• Why didn’t he just leave me?

Having read literally tons of relationship advice from experts around the world, I have scoured the material looking for something about why men cheat that makes sense. Today I found it on the DatingWithoutDrama.com blog in a video by English dating expert, Matthew Hussey. (As a meaningless aside – he’s very cute.)

He broke the question of why men cheat down psychologically so masterfully, I had to share his wisdom with you immediately! I’m just going to add a bit of my input as well as I spell it out for you below.

First and foremost, Matthew pointed out that people like to be comfortable. You know this is true, especially vs. feeling uncomfortable right? Not many would choose discomfort. So, in a relationship – there is often comfort in sticking with the status quo. It’s just easier to keep things the same than shake them up. So he cheats.

Second, Matthew explains that leaving someone is a scary decision.  For many, the idea of being alone is too daunting to just walk away from a relationship, particularly if it is comfortable. A lot of men don’t relish the idea of being alone and that’s why they cheat.

Third, the human condition often presents a simple lack of courage. A man would be more inclined to leave if he knew he had options. He’d feel braver knowing there was another woman he could leave for. As Matthew explains, this presents the proverbial “Catch-22” of which comes first, leaving or discovering options? This is why he might cheat.

Fourth, once a man cheats, the damage is done and now he has a reason to leave. Or worse from my perspective, he hopes you’ll end things when you find out, making it even easier for him to depart.

I’m going to add a fifth answer that is not always true by any means, but is certainly a factor at times. Some men just wants to mix things up, and thinking he can get away with it, follows his primordial drive to spread his seed. For a few, this is certainly why men cheat.

Now, please keep this very important fact in mind – women can be just as guilty of cheating as men for these same reason. Well maybe not the seed part, but certainly the desire for variety. So I am not saying that men are the only guilty parties by any means. Trust me, I have had male clients lamenting over catching their woman in bed with another man (or woman).

If you’ve had a cheating man in your life, I hope reading through these reasons has helped you understand how such a travesty could happen. It doesn’t answer why it happened to you or why he chose her. But this review can help you get a clearer picture of what was going on in his head in terms of why cheat rather than just leave you.

Knowledge is power. Now that you have some reasons, I’m hoping it will help to lessen the pain and confusion. If you need tips on healing from a break up, you might want to read this post on 5 Tips to Survive a Breakup.

Click here to watch Matthew’s video.

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The Biggest Turn Off is an Angry Woman

On a first date, do you know the single emotion men dread most? It might not be what you think.

You might think they hate to deal with sadness from a past relationship or a woman who appears needy. Granted, those are two impressions that probably won’t bode well for a second date either. But they aren’t the worst. Oh no.

The most feared and disliked emotion that a woman can display is ANGER. Yes, anger. An angry woman is very unpleasant for a man to deal with. She’s got a lot of energy about her anger and often will share it freely. And that is a major turnoff and a very big problem.

As a dating coach, I have access to and frequently talk with single men. They come to me as clients – which creates the best research opportunity for my women clients! One thing I can tell you without hesitation is that the men I speak to have all talked about  the “angry woman” and how unpleasant she is.

One of my clients explained how he had met a woman at a singles group who took his number. Laura called Paul over the weekend and he invited her to a group event. They decided to take mass transit together to get to the event. Big mistake Paul said. Since he hadn’t spent much time with her the first time he met her, he had no idea what she was about beyond seeming to be “nice”.

What happened on the subway ride? Laura proceeded to rant about the guy she just broke up with. She was angry and over-shared because Paul was kind. She told him she felt comfortable and continued to rail against her ex for 30-minutes straight.

Paul deeply regretted taking the train with Laura.

Here’s another story. Angelo is 61 and a widower. He is an even-tempered guy who is actively dating, looking for love. I was talking with him about what turns him off most. His immediate answer was “women who are angry!” Angelo told me when he meets a woman like this, he does his best to keep the date short, so he doesn’t have be dragged down by her poor emotional state. Do you blame him?

Take a moment right now and think about your last first date. Or maybe even some of the emails you have shared with men on sites like Match.com. Have you expressed anger about the men you’ve met, frustration about the dating process, or your bad experience with online dating? If you can think of times when this has happened, it’s time to shift gears and become more aware of how you present yourself to men.

From your profile, first email and first date – you are being sized up – just as you are sizing up the men too. My advice as a dating coach is to PUT YOUR BEST FOOT FORWARD. In other words,

Do not share stories about your ex, your job or dating, if they are negative and you are angry.

Its time to do something about your anger. Naturally, you are completely entitled to your emotions. I’m not here to negate them at all. However, if you want to attract a good man, you‘ll need to dissipate some of that anger first so you aren’t a turn off. Here are a few ways to do this:

• Exercise
• Meditate
• Talk to your friends
• Take a hot bath
• Try therapy

There are plenty of ways to release anger. Look into what you can do, but above all, become more aware of how you present yourself to men so that you can keep from showing up as “that angry woman.”

Photo Credit: Chris Yarzab

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Body Language & Flirting Attract More Men

He’s Reading Your Body Language, So Tell Him a Friendly Story about Yourself

Whether you know it or not, your body is sending signals before you utter a word. If you are single, working on your body language is a good use of your time, especially for women. Why? Because when you flirt, you are often relying on body language to convey your openness and approachability.

As humans, we naturally pick up more information and make judgements based on reading body language. So make sure yours is saying what you really want to say – telling a friendly story.

It’s really no secret that men don’t like to be rejected. Women don’t like it either! Who would? So, if you are a single woman looking for love with the right man, make it your main objective to look friendly and interested. It’s so much easier than you think!

Here are some tips from Tonya Reinman in her new book The Body Language of Dating as reported in this post by ABC news. I’ve embellished from my flirting arsenal and separated the actions into those done from a distance and those acted on close up.

From a Distance:

• Become more self-aware so you can know what signals you are sending.
• Smile more because is catching!
• Playing with your hair and primping announce “Look at me” and sends the message you are ready for some attention.
• Stand up straight and hold your head high – that’s the look of confidence.
• Maintain brief eye contact with a man, then look down and up again before looking away.
• Let your wrists and neck show- they are an erogenous zones.
• Slightly tilt your head left because men find this attractive. It also implies interest, like you are thinking about him.

Close Up:

• Nod when he talks so you seem engaged and show agreement
• Touch him lightly on his arm or shoulder to make a point, breaking the personal space barrier. However, don’t linger unless you want some action the same night.
• Wear natural scents like vanilla and lavender.
• Whisper something to him – it could be anything, then pull away and smile.

What to Avoid – The Don’ts:

• Crossing your arms in front of your body or standing you’re your legs crossed shows you are shut off
• Poor posture and slouched shoulders relay poor self-esteem.
• Darting your eyes around the room makes you look nervous or suspicious
• Hands in your pockets I s a classic tip off that you might be hiding something
• Touching your nose is the sign of a liar so don’t do it!
• Getting too close before you know he is interested will make him feel crowded.

While my own social research isn’t scientific, 10 years working with thousands of women has provided fabulous anecdotal evidence these flirting behaviors work!  Let me share a story to prove the point.

Two of my clients, Beth and Connie, both 49 and divorced, took my flirting class and decided that night to go to a bar and try it out. These two women were both very “type a” career women who normally didn’t interact with men very much and to tell you the truth, just weren’t warm and friendly people.

They came back to class the next week exciting with girlish glee! Beth and Connie had stellar results to share. Beth has two men ask for her phone number which she claimed had never happened before in a bar or anywhere. And Connie was asked on a date for the following weekend much to her surprise.

These two were amazed, delighted and complete astonished by what a little flirting can do. But as their coach, let me share another potent secret with you…the biggest change in their behavior was that they paid attention to the men. They were friendly, open and interested. Normally Beth and Connie would have looked down their noses at any man who had the nerve to approach them while they had a glass of wine at a bar. But on this night, they looked for opportunities to connect with men. And voila – it worked.

So yes, body language is a highly effective means for meeting men. But, if you can open up to men and show some interest rather than disdain and suspicion, you’ll discover how easy it is to attract more bees with honey, so to speak.

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10 Resolutions to Find Love

I wanted to share with you my top 10 New Year’s  Resolutions to Find love in 2012. They were recently posted on the Best Daily Dates’s blog! As a dating coach for women over 40, these are the kinds of tips I share with my clients to help them find love faster. Here are a few highlights, but you can see all 10 on their website.

2. I will give more types of people a chance.

One of the biggest challenges my clients face is seeking a specific type of person. I encourage them to cast a wider net so they can date a variety of people. Often, when you have a type, that person ahs the good things you like along with all the characteristics that cause your relationships to end. Think back to all the people you have dated who were exactly your type…where are they now? Chances are, if you get past your type, you’ll find a better partner.

7. I will look for what IS GOOD in people.

It’s so easy to find fault with your dates. The challenge I ask of my dating coaching clients is for them to find what IS GOOD about their dates. When you start to notice the good in people, you will be more open, easier to be with, more fun and far more approachable and attractive to the opposite sex. There is a lot of good in the single people out there, even if that person isn’t right for you. Shift your perspective and discover how it lightens your spirit and gives you a more positive attitude.

8. I will not “bash” the other gender for fun with friends.

I work with my dating coaching clients to help them understand this universal principle. When you talk badly about the opposite sex, you send out negative vibes. Oh yes, men and women can tell when you have a negative attitude about them as a group. It’s like a gray cloud that hangs over your head making you far less attractive. I know this can be  fun with friends, but I advise you to stop doing it. You’ll thank me when you notice how many more positive interactions you have with people.

Get all 10 Resolutions here 

Photo Credit: Mommamia

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According to an article in today’s Chicago Sun Times, a study of 806, mostly post-menopausal women, uncovered some extremely exciting findings. Turns out that the majority of older women from the study, with an average age of 67 years, found that sexual satisfaction increases with age, even if desire dips. That includes frequent arousal and orgasm too.

Yes! That’s a VERY happy new year’s story.

Researchers from The University of California – San Diego School of Medicine, in conjunction with the Veterans Affairs San Diego Healthcare System, conducted the study which is part of an ongoing, 40 year study of people living in a planned community near San Diego. (Sounds like a swinging place to live!)

So single gals, if you’re worried about dust bunnies forming as the years march on, keep this study front and center in your mind. You have sexual satisfaction in your future, whether you are in your 50′s, 60′s and beyond! That’s something to hold onto and look forward to as well.

As a dating coach for women over 40, may I recommend a little trip to Victoria’s Secret.  There’s still plenty of time to get lucky!

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Long Distance Relationships

Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach

I believe I will be forever single. I was in a 10-year bad relationship which is not over. I have dated on and off for several years, but never intentionally looking for a life partner. Just recently, on vacation to Jamaica, I met this man and we fell in love. He has come to see me at Christmas time, I have gone to see him twice, he paid for half my fare both times.

We want to be together and in fact I went there to find work. The recession is everywhere soooo I couldn’t find work as a teacher with two Masters degrees and being Bilingual. He can’t come here cause his parents are up in age, he has a 23 and 19 year old he is responsible for, plus he has a small business. Needless to say, I’m still single the one time I know it’s right.

The problem is, we are friends and talk all the time. I’ve tried dating but no sparks fly as I have become a workaholic to fill the empty space in my heart. Ronnie, do you have any advise for me to get me out of this no-win situation?

Please help,
Forever Single

Dear Forever,

My heart goes out to you because this is such a difficult situation. Long distance relationships can be hard. But, they can also work out!

I know of two couples personally who had long distance relationships that worked out very well. They took a shot and made it happen. One woman lived in Boston and her guy lived in France – they met on vacation. After four years of dating across the Atlantic, he moved to the states and they married. It has been a rewarding, loving, and lasting partnership. They have a beautiful daughter and started a French import business together.

The second was guy I know from New York City. One day while surfing the web, he found an British artist’s website he was completely wowed by. He emailed her with no agenda beyond talking about her art. Eventually, he flew to England where they met and fell in love. She lives here now and they are also happily married.

If you love each other, save up and visit as often as you can until you CAN find work. Don’t give up! I’m not sure I understand, why you have given up? Could it be your outlook and belief that you will be forever single? What would happen if you shifted your attitude to, “We’re going to make this work”?

There are many things that could happen to facilitate the two of you being together. First of all, jobs come up all the time. So why not keep on looking, rather than give up? Second, what else could you do with two masters degrees besides teach? Maybe you need to be a little bit creative. Third, sometimes things happen out of the blue that we never would never have expected or anticipated that help us live our dreams. That’s what can happen with the conviction that things will work out

Many people have found a way to be together. I realize the economy is bad, but I would think, where there is a will there is a way. If this is the love of your life, find a way!

On the other hand, if you feel that you will not likely be together, then the only way to heal your empty heart is to stop communicating with this man. It would be nearly impossible to look for a new love, when you are attached and in love with this man. You can always pick up your friendship again later, once you feel less attached. But, if you truly want love with someone new, you will need to free yourself up. Continuing to be in close contact with this man will keep you connected and in love for sure.

Let me encourage you to look for another way to be together. And in the meantime, save up to visit.

Wishing you love,

Ronnie Ann Ryan – The Dating Coach

Photo Credit: xlibber

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Serial Dating

Are you a serial dater?

Do you even know what a serial dater is?

Two types of Serial Daters

A serial dater is a person who dates a lot of people looking for just the right person. However, there never seems to be a right person. So relationships don’t last long and you are back looking for love again very soon.

Another definition of serial dating is when you date someone once or twice, and decide to stick with that person without having checked out other options first. This means you end up in one unsatisfying, long-term relationships after another, because you don’t spend the time qualifying men to know they are right for you. Some women get serious with a guy who shows interest, even if he’s not right. This is the opposite of the first example, when no one is good enough.

Either way,  according to some experts, these behaviors put you into the “Serial Dater” category. I’ve certainly run into this as a dating coach for women.

What Causes Serial Dating?

The root cause varies depending on what type of serial dater you are. For women who can’t find the right guy, this behavior may stem from “Intense Selectivity”. When you have super-strict criteria and won’t budge from a single variant, it can become quite difficult to find a man to satisfy your qualifications. I’ve worked with dating coaching clients on this challenge to help them open to more possibilities and different types of men.

When a serial dater of this type calls me to say she is dating a guy who is SO different from any other guy she’s ever dated, I know…she’s probably found the right man for her! And if not that, she’s definitely on the right track to finding a good match.

On the other hand, when a woman dates the first guy who comes along, because he’s a man who pursued her, this is a true “Lack of Selectivity”. I work with dating coaching clients to help them discover some qualifying characteristics that will be a good match

An Oprah Show about Serial Daters

Here’s the good news about being a Serial Dater…Oprah wants you on her show!

https://www.oprah.com/ownshow/plug_form.html?plug_id=8848691

If you want a crack on being on Oprah’s show, part of the new OWN network, fill out the form. She is specifically looking for serial daters, so if that speaks to you , go for it!

Good luck!

Photo Credit: Frank Gruber

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