Dating Deal Breakers

Do you have a list of dating deal breakers? These are things about a man that you won’t tolerate. I hope you do, but if not, it’s time to make one up.

This isn’t a list of the 40 irritating things guys have done in your past. These are the narrow few, completely intolerable behaviors which you never want to experience again in this life time.

Let me get you started with a few items that you might want to avoid. These are based on bad experiences you’ve had that you don’t want to repeat.

1. Under-handed behaviors (lying, cheating, etc.)
2. Addictive habits (too much smoking, drinking, gambling)
3. Lazy, coach potato
4. Broke, unemployed and not looking (it’s different if he’s looking)
5. Disrespectful or abusive
6. Trouble with the law
7. Not emotionally available
8. Performance issues (untreated ED, etc.)
9. Stingy, bigoted, opinionated, etc.

That covers most major infractions.

Now the chances that you’ve encountered all of these things is extremely low. So don’t put them all on your list. Just choose the  ones that you have encountered. And feel free to put something on your list that I didn’t mention.

When you keep a list of what you don’t want, as well as a list of what you DO want, then you are clear with the kind of man you want to MANfifest. While you might read the list of qualities you are seeking every day to build your belief in your ability to attract such a great guy, don’t do this with the deal breaker list.

As a dating coach for women over 40, I often explain to my clients how you don’t want to MANifest your deal breakers. The process can work in the negative if you focus too much on what you don’t want. The Universe can get confused because it responds to what you pay attention to. There’s a saying in Hawaiian Shamanism that states, “Energy flows where attention goes”.  Better to focus on what you DO want!

Now that we’ve covered what you want and don’t want and your specific deal breakers, what about the men? What deal breakers do they have about women?

According to April Beyer, matchmaker and dating coach, she says these are the top three:

1. An overly independent woman who doesn’t know how to turn off “the boss”
2. A woman who isn’t flexible
3. A woman who doesn’t take care of herself physically

As a dating coach for women dating over 40 or dating after divorce, one thing I know from my own dating journey and from speaking with my male clients, is that men don’t ever want to compete with you as a woman.That kills any possible romance.  

Men might have to compete with you at work, but when they see you, they want your feminine energy. Kindness, sweetness, warmth, connection and appreciation. So, ladies, please find a way to turn off the “chick in charge” when you go out with a man. Once he’s off duty, he doesn’t want to be in that work mode.

Men also want a woman who can be flexible about plans, ideas, etc. Can you go with the flow at least sometimes? Can you be spontaneous on occasion? This means a lot to a man and can earn you big points in his book.

The last one is rather obvious. Even if you gain a few pounds, you can still wear nice clothes, stay up to date with your hair and makeup, and maintain your sense of style. Exercise, which is good for your health and looks, eat well, get enough rest so you can be your best. Besides the fact that when you look good, you feel good, you’ll keep him interested and appreciating you. A woman who loves herself, honors herself by taking good care of herself.

Now that you’ve got the inside scoop on the top deal breakers for men, as your dating coach, I askyou to please do some soul searching. Assess if you exhibit these behaviors and then make the changes needed so you can get more second dates!

Photo Credit: Leo Reynolds

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Let me give you a sneak peak here so you can get an idea of what some of those powerful tips are. If you are a woman dating after divorce or dating over40, this fun and inspiring audio could turn your love life around quickly!

7 Top Tips to Attract the Love You Want

1. As a dating coach, my first tip is to  find a way to open your heart to love and men. I talk about why vulnerability is the key to connecting at the heart level. What assumptions might be creating the wrong ideas about men and dating. Why listening to your inner thoughts while walking down the street will tell you everything about where your openness is at.

2. The second tip is a discussion on building self confidence and how that impacts your appeal and ability to attract good men. You’ll hear several ways to start improving your confidence right away.

3. The third strategy is about the Yin and Yang of dating and the roles men and women play in this courtship dance. Once you get this simple idea under your belt, you will likely be freed up from hours of wondering what to do next or how to handle a situation. These clear-cut guidelines eliminate a lot of confusion and you’ll feel like finally, you have emerged from the dust cloud of dating to greater clarity about what to do.

4. Not surprisingly, the 4th strategy is flirting which, as a dating coach for women over 40, is one of my favorite subjects. I provide suggestions on how to invite men into your world and remind you that your feminine charm is a divine gift as well as a power and skill men cannot replicate. Anyone can flirt and do it well, including you.

 5. What makes the whole dating process a lot more fun? Taking the pressure off! You’ll learn why doing this can be the key to your dating success as it opens up so many more opportunities.

6. What would talk about meeting Mr. Right be without the MANifestng tips? This talk included my favorite methods to help you attract the love you want in the style of the book and movie the “Secret”.

7. Last but not least is a quick list of where to go to meet men. But before I launch into that, I share my ideas on why dating is like deep sea fishing – its a classic! You know several of these places to meet men already, but with new insights, your chances of meeting quality guys sky rocket.

So that’s it – a fabulous run down of my most fundamental dating strategies all on one MP3 audio download. Even if you’ve heard these ideas before, sometimes a new spin can help set you up for dating success. And you know what that success looks like?

That’s right – being in the fabulous, yummy relationship with an amazing man you’ve been longing for.

Good men are out there! Don’t wait another minute to discover these simple steps that offer practical and savvy ways to find the man of your dreams. The audio is 47 minutes and under $10.

Click here to listen to a clip of the audio and download your copy now. It’s like getting private dating coaching without the appointment!

Special thanks to Lisa, the Founder and Owner of Wetware Media

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Dating as a Widow over 50

Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach,

I am a 58 year old widow whose husband died 4-1/2  years ago. I feel that I am finally through the tunnel of grief and am ready to date and find a relationship with a man…only to discover there are no men. They have ED or they are not interested in a widow for some reason. Divorcee’s seem to be able to get back into the dating scene much more easily and faster than do widows. Why is that and what can be done to change the situation for this widow?

The Widow of Waltham

Dear Widow of Waltham,

My heart goes out to you because I can’t imagine how hard it is to recover from the loss of a beloved partner. Experts and therapists say statistically, you are right on schedule. Widows often take as much as five years to recover and feel ready to venture out for love again.

On the other hand, a widower usually looks for a new relationship within a year. There is probably some deep psychological reason for this, but to be honest, I’m not quite sure.

That said, let me address the rest of your question. 

Yes, contrary to what you have encountered, there are healthy, loving men dating voer 50 who are relationship ready and available. It’s not true that all men have ED. While its unfortunate you’ve run into a few of them, there is a simple solution in Viagra and other similar drugs.

If you meet a new guy over 40 or 50 thatyou are very interested in and he ends up having ED, very gently ask him if he’s looked into the drugs. This is a sensitive topic for men, so be careful how you say this.

As far as divorced women having it easier to find love again over 50, that is uncertain. Divorced women can feel many things such as bitterness, deeply wounded over trust issues, low in confidence, etc. When you are a widow, your man didn’t leave because he chose to do so. Given that, I’m thinking it’s possible divorce might be harder to recover from…

However, loss is loss so why make this a competition?

Why does it seem men aren’t interested in a widow? That’s a matter of perspective, attitude and outlook on dating and men. I don’t think men have a preference about divorce vs. widow. My bet is they are reacting to you as a “woman” and nothing more. Plus, when dating, you  are bound to meet many candidates that aren’t a good match.

Of course, there are some things you might be doing that could keep you from connecting with decent men:

1. Talking a lot about your late husband
2. Talking about how hard or sad it is to be a widow
3. Complaining about how awful dating is or how lonely you are
4. Not having an interesting life on your own
5. Not demonstrating your confidence or love of life

Men look for women who are happy, confident, and enjoying life. Women like this add to a man’s life. That’s my advice to you. While I don’t have enough information to know if you are doing any of the things that might cause men to steer clear of you, either way this is good advice. And not just for widows, but for all single women of any age.

Take a break if you need one. But then continue your search while you work to enrich your life as well. That way, you simply can’t lose.

Wishing you love,

Ronnie Ann Ryan – The Dating Coach

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Kelly Killoren Bensimone - Bravo TV Real Housewives of New York City

Recently on the Real Housewives of New York City, Kelly Killoren Bensimone, is a borderline crazy, ex model, turned writer-journalist. She was getting a mani-pedi with the divorced Countess LuAnn de Lesseps and they were discussing dating. The Countess has found love again with a French-speaking young wine distributor. She was telling Kelly she needs to learn to trust again because Kelly doesn’t even trust women friends. That was the Countess’s first piece of good advice .

However, Kelly doesn’t want to date. Ewwwoooo, that’s icky. She doesn’t want to waste time with such superficial things. Her preference is to be serious and evaluate each man for his romantic intent and husband-like qualifications. The Countess gave Kelly her second piece of good advice – saying that approach is scary to men. She told Kelly she needs to relax and just have fun. Great dating coaching Countess! My sentiments exactly.

During my own dating journey to find my husband (married almost 11 years now , the same words came from my mouth. “I don’t want to date. I just want to meet my husband.” Gee that’s realistic isn’t it? NOT!

Until I relaxed and decided to meet as many men as possible to find the one for me, nothing was going to happen. Why? Because that attitude is off putting to men. Not only that, but it will keep you from being open-minded and meeting new people. The very idea creates a barrier to keep men at arms length where you can’t really get to know them.

Only wanting to meet and date “the right guys” is about pre-judging people. Sometimes you maybe right on the money, sizing up a prospect from a distance. But there are definitely times when you will miss out on what could be the best match for you. Naturally you do need to be some what selective, but if your selectivity doesn’t result in many dates, um… its time to be less selective.

Women worry about the shy man and feel the solution is to ask him out, call him, etc. That strategy does not work and I don’t advise women to pursue men. Instead, what is needed is to be open and approachable. Can you be warm and friendly enough to attract nice guys? Often shy, quality men  are the best matches without realizing it because they want the same thing you do – a loving, lasting relationship.

But, how can you connect with the shy guy or the good man from a distance? You can’t.  However, chances are strong for attracting players. What? How can I say that? Because that is exactly what a player is good at! Spotting a distant woman who is ready to be swept off her feet and dumped on her butt. 

Players enjoy the challenge of overcoming your barriers and don’t care about rejection because they know how the play the game. Plus, they aren’t looking for lasting love – they’ll be gone long before you can reject them.

For Kelly or yourself, as you say you want  to marry, but you hold up your hand to the Universe, you send the mixed signals. ” I want but I don’t want” is a confusing message. Then in walks Mr. Charming who knows exactly what to say to win you over fast, take what he wants and disappear just quickly.

Isn’t that interesting?

You might think being super selective about dating and men, keeps you safe. But, it actually has the potential to leave you more vulnerable to skilled players. And, it also might hold you back from meeting good matches and ultimately keep you single.

Don’t be like Kelly! Her heart is still guarded and not open to love.

Push yourself to meet more men, so you can learn who will work for you and who isn’t a good match. The more men you meet, the better your chances of finding the right one for you. Dating is a numbers game. If you don’t play, you just can’t win. Its really that simple.

Photo Credit – thanks to BravoTV.com

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First let’s start with ATTITUDE. Oh yes that makes a difference!

1. Take the pressure off and just meet new people. Stop criticizing everyone which keeps you from meeting anyone. Just get outt here and remember hos to smile, shake hands, and connect with other humans. maybe flirt a little – come on its fun!

2. Don’t interview prospects  - instead try the art of conversation. I”m serious. Lots of people have simply forgotten how to have a conversation, simple talk, chatting for the heck of it. I encourage you to start practicing up on your conversation skills because the vast majority of people don’t like to be interviewed on a first date. In fact, that feels more like interrogation rather than conversation.

3. Lighten up! Yes, finding the right person can be difficult. So what! If you keep moving and meeting, you have the bets chance of meeting someone you can click with. Find ways to enjoy the process. Stop complaining and make a game out of how many new people you can meet in 90 days. Stretch yourself and relax. You will eventually find someone if you meet enough people.

Next up – WHERE CAN YOU MEET NEW PEOPLE?

1. Check out meetup.com – they have so many new groups forming all the time. There’s bound to be one group in your area that has a singles event to attend

2. Walk your dog! Yes, many folks meet people just walking their dog at the park. Dog owners are friendly to each other. So put on a smile, get out the leash and take Fido with you.

3. Try  a  singles  dance. I know you don’t love them, but go anyway. Once in a while is good for you. For the women, stand at the edge of the dance floor and smile. Look friendly and say “Yes” as often as you can. for the men, just ask the ladies. If you hear “No”, go ask another woman. Some of them will be smart enough to say “Yes”.

4. If you play tennis, try a round-robin event so you can meet other tennis players. Golfers, its getting time to hit a bucket of balls. Just look up once in a while to see if there’s anyone cute near by.

5. Try online dating! www.PlentyofFish.com and www.OKCupid.com are both free sites. I hear good things about both so it won’t even cost you a penny. Or if you want, try www.Match.com or www.GreenSingles.com , but try something!

As your dating coach, I ask you to make a pact with yourself that this is the very last year you will file your taxes single. Because spring is here and love often follows close behind.

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Make the most of singles dances

I bet you ‘ve been to a singles dance or two and thought it was just horrible. When I was dating, I go  every six months. It was always a drama scene. First I had to pick out the right outfit, I’d try everything on in my closet, finally settle on something, but already felt like I’d been through the emotional wringer.

Then I’d go to meet a bunch of girlfriends at the dance.  We’d stand towards the back or near the wall in a group, surveying the men. Rarely did we see someone we felt was worth even thinking about. No one would get asked to dance and we’d end the night pledging to never go again.

Sound familiar? Well this is not the way to meet people at a singles dance!

If you are serious about meeting new men, here is exactly how to do it. Follow these 5 steps that I share with my dating coaching clients and I guarantee you will be asked to dance. When I got serious and followed these steps, I would sometimes dance all night with different men!

1. Wear something that makes you feel sexy and beautiful
If you can’t think of anything in your closet like that , go shopping today. Dating after divorce can be hard, so this is a step to shore up your confidence. Once you know you have a couple of the right outfits, you’ll never go through that emotionally draining try-on-everything scenario which is worth avoiding to keep your energy upbeat  and happy.

2. Get into the right mind-set
It’s just one night. It’s just one dance. Take the pressure off. What I suggest to my dating coaching clients is to decide  to meet new people, not Mr. Right. This way, you are free to meet a lot more people without worrying if each man is the perfect guy. Meeting lots of new people, even women is the recipe for finding love today.

3. Go with friends, but don’t  hang with them all night
Of course you can go with friends, but don’t cling to each other all night! Walk around alone for a while to make it easy for men to  meet you. Go to the bar and get a drink on your own. Walk to the ladies room by yourself. Men don’t like walking up to a bunch of women to ask one to dance. That’s the surest way to not meet anyone. So hang out with yoru friends, then separate and go it alone  throughout the evening.

4. Position yourself for success
Stand at the edge of the dance floor, smile tap your foot and look ready to go. This will show men that you are ready for a partner and to dance. I tell my dating coaching clients – Make it easy for men by demonstrating your interest in getting out there.

5. Be friendly and say “Yes”
The best way to dance with lots of different men is to say “Yes” to as many as you can. My dating coaching clients are surprised how well this works. Why? Because other men are watching to see how you reject their peers! Are you mean? Do you turn away everyone? Do you seem nice and open to dancing? What messages are you sending?

You can have some criteria of course. Mine was I’d dance with any man who didn’t smell or have bad teeth. And, I didn’t dance to slow dances. If a guy asked, I’d tell him to come back and ask again when the music was more upbeat.

Of the 30 men I dated, three came from singles dances. If you are dating over 40 or dating after divorce, why not add it to your action plan to see who you might meet? Follow this 5-step plan and dance the night away!

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What will you do on your “summer vacation”? What new things will you try? What new places will you visit? Who will you meet?

Try this exercise right now”

Imagine that it’s Labor Day and you are looking back over the entire  summer.
What did you learn?
What do you wish you had done differently?
Did you have fun?
Did you meet new people?
Did you talk to lots of men?
Did you flirt and leverage your feminine charm?
How do you feel now?
Any regrets?

This is a very powerful exercise. Particularly true if you don’t want to look back with regrets. Summer is THE TIME FOR SOCIALIZING! Are you making plans? Calling friends, Searching the web and newspaper for local singles events you can attend? You better be!

When you choose me as dating coach, count on me to hold your feet to the romance fire. You are accountable and responsible for  your own summer enjoyment. That means if you want something to happen, get out there! Start planning. Meet new friends. Go to BBQs, the beach, the park. Walk, jog, bike, kayak. and more than anything else, smile and be friendly to EVERYONE.

If you live in the  northern part of the country, warm weather only comes around once a year. don’t let it slick through your fingers like you have in the past. The clock is ticking on your romantic life.

Wouldn’t you love to look back at a ton of fun?
Wouldn’t you feel good knowing you took a shot and got out there?
Wouldn’t you be happy with yourself if you tried at least three new things?
Wouldn’t you be thrilled to have had 5 dates with new men?

You can do it!

This summer belongs to you. Use it wisely. Make it all worthwhile. Take a few calculated risks to move your social life ahead.

No guts, no glory girlfriend. Yes, I am most definitely talking to you. Yes You!

Take out a sheet of paper and make a list right now of five things you will try. Promise yourself and me, your dating coach, that you will do everything in your power to make them come true.

You are in charge. Take advantage of your freedom and sex appeal babe. Use it or lose it.

Tick tock.

photo credit: Claudia_Ar

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At first I questioned her about what I could cover in a group like this. As we talked, Sharon explained she had made so many mistakes after her divorce and she wished she could have had access to someone like me. Having a knowledgeable dating coach in her corner would have saved her a lot of heart break and angst, even before she got started.

Interesting idea. So many women want to know where to meet men. That is often the very first question popping into their minds. However, as a coach for women dating over 40 or dating after divorce, I know there are several crucial steps that come before where to find and meet men.

For example, are you open to men? Do you feel bitter, angry, disillusioned, or very guarded? Will you flirt with men or do you think this is simply unnecessary? How is your self-esteem? Do you have the confidence to handle rejection that is part of the dating process? Do you understand the opposite sex enough to navigate the emotional waters of the dating arena?

In such a group, we could discuss:
- Beliefs and attitudes about men that will prevent a good connection
- How to reduce or drop your baggage?
- How to open your eyes, heart and mind to love and men?
- How to shore up and strengthen your self-image and build dating confidence?
- What to avoid in conversation or in your online profile?
- What to expect with online dating?
- How to read between the lines of men’s profiles and emails?
- How to be savvy about using this method to meet men?
- How to establish your dating IQ so you’re savvy about the  singles’ scene?
- Do you have a support network for advice and to help when you over think a situation?
- Do you have a dating buddy to motivate you and go out to meet men with?

The more I think about this – the better an idea it seems…

If you’re a single women who is recently divorced and have more ideas on what would be good for me to cover, please share them with me. Leave a comment so I can know what people need and want to help them get ready and be smart about getting out there.

This does make a lot of sense – having a solid foundation and a basic dating IQ would provide a better foundation or jumping off spot for dating than simply striking out on your own. Thanks Sharon for your input! Girlfriends are great!

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I hear about so many women complaining that they have a great job, a beautiful home, etc., but they still can not meet a good man. Well that’s very troubling to me because I don’t even have those things going for me. I have lots of financial debt.  I know how I got there and am working on it, but its not so easy. Plus, men look negatively at you when you have debt.

Another problem is that it takes money to get involved with activities, socialize and go out. The financial strain cuts down on dating sites too. I know there are free sites, but that is a major pool of married men and men not looking to get serious, that’s why they go for the free stuff.

Even worse, men are just not interested when you are overweight. I got plenty of attention when I was slim but now with the weight on, the attention is drastically different. So here I am, struggling with debt, limited resources and too many lbs. Obviously I can not afford a dating coach, so how do you help people like me to feel hopeful?

Feeling hopeless in Kansas

Dear Ms. Kansas,

My heart goes out to you for your struggles. Your situation isn’t an easy one. And it seems both your weight and debt are affecting your outlook on life, attitude towards men and dating.

One thing I know for sure is that working on improving yourself and your situation can really help boost your self-esteem. I encourage my dating coaching clients to start their journey by loving and appreciating themselves. All love starts within, that’s why the best way to find love is to start by loving yourself.

So let me ask you a few questions…

- What steps can you take to appreciate who you are?
- What steps can you take to improve your financial situation?
- What steps can you take to improve how you feel about your looks?
- What steps can you take to improve your appearance?

By focusing on these things, you will experience the benefits and positive changes. When you take care of yourself, you  honor yourself and your self –esteem rises automatically. And a confident person is always far more attractive.

I have another question. How do men know about your debt? You cannot be shunned because of debt if a man doesn’t know about it. I advise my dating coaching clients to keep  their financial situation (good or bad) to themselves until things start to get more serious. Then, if it seems appropriate, you can tell your man about your financial situation. Truth is, this is no one’s business but your own unless you are combining finances.

I gave the same advice to a woman who was a cancer survivor. Everyone has problems, but you don’t want to shine a big spotlight on them. You lead by putting your best foot forward and highlighting your best assets. This is not being deceitful at all. It is simply a matter of presenting yourself in a good and positive light.

You may have some problems, but no one is completely problem free. Everyone has issues and absolutely no one is perfect.

So, my advice to you is to focus on yourself for a while until you build your self-esteem and start feeling better about yourself. Make some headway on your finances and your weight if you like, and then get out there and start flirting!

Wishing you love,

Ronnie

 photo credit: TW Collins

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Dating Over 40

Dear Over 40 Dating Coach,

I need to start getting out there again. I am divorced, 54 and have been unemployed for 18 months. I haven’t spent much time looking to date since I’ve been focusing on the job hunt.  But I’m ready to start doing something.  What would be a good first outing? 

Thanks,
Ready to Start

Hi Ready,
Where to start? Good question! A lot of my over 40 dating coaching clients ask me this same question.

Much depends on your attitude and outlook. And where you live determines what type of events are available.

Another question is do you have a friend to go with? A dating buddy can make things easier at first. But it’s not a requirement and you can go alone – I did!

But, without more info, I’d recommend a singles dances. They are usually low cost and certainly low risk. And if you like to dance -  potentially fun! Singles dances don’t require any commitment – you just show up and dance when asked. Very simple.

But here’s where the attitude comes in…

To make the most of the event, here are some tips that will make all the difference. These tips are all about your attitude at the dance and how you interact with men.

1. Stand at the edge of the dance floor with a smile, tap your foot and look ready to go. Don’t cling to your girlfriends. Walk around or stand near the dance floor by yourself part of the time to make it easy for men to approach you.

2. Say “Yes” to as many men as possible. Other men are watching how you respond and who you reject before they approach you. Men don’t like to be rejected so they look for women who seem low risk and friendly. So be nice!

3. Don’t expect to meet the man of your dreams – just appreciate meeting new people. This is a great opportunity to get used to the singles scene again and get  your feet wet at a low pressure event.

The more experience you have, the more comfortable you’ll be maneuvering at singles events. Being comfortable signals confidence which is a very attractive quality to both men and women.

4. Be as friendly as possible to everyone you meet – you never know who those people might know! I met my husband because I was nice when I met his sister. She liked me enough to suggest a blind date with her brother!

Everyone there might have a son, nephew, brother, colleague, neighbor, uncle, father, etc. who they could introduce you to.

5. If you danced a few times – think of it as a good night and be willing to go again! Someone new will attend each event so give things more than one attempt before you cross it off your “dance card.” 

Personally, I dated three guys who I met at singles dances. And yet, before I got out there on my dating journey with the right attitude – I hated dances! No one ever asked me to dance and I rarely met anyone.

Why is that? Because I stood against the wall with my girlfriends and complained the whole night. Not very attractive . Plus, I didn’t make it easy for the men to approach me since I was rarely alone.  

Attitude and outlook are everything on the singles scene. Smile, be friendly and decide that you are open to meeting new people. Then, let it go and see what happens. Deny your preconceived notions and just be willing to go with the flow. This is the recipe for enjoying singles dances.

Wishing you love,

Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Over 40 Dating Coach

 photo credit mharrsch

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