Online Dating: Can I Contact Men on Match or Is that HIS Territory?

Dear Ronnie,

I’m 45, divorce three years and ready to start meeting men!  I decided to try the online dating thing and have  question.

When on a dating site, such as Match.com, what is the etiquette about contacting men?  Should I just wait for men to connect with me, either through a wink or an email? Is it okay to send a quick “hello” message, or is that too much moving into the man’s territory being the pursuer?  I know your advice as a dating coach is against taking over the man’s role in dating, so I want to see what you have to say.

Thanks for your help!
Ready for Love

Dear Ready,

I tell my clients that contacting men is perfectly fine. I definitely think you  have to wait for men to contact you. Go for it!

This is not being forward or usurping a man’s right to pursue you – its being friendly! Same thing goes for talking to men at a bar, singles event or any where for that matter. You can always walk up to a man and strike up a conversation! Just don’t linger. Give him the space to come and find you later if he’s interested.

Same thing for online dating. Here are a few tips to keep things light and improve your chances of getting a response when trying web dating. These are the “Do’s”

Do’s
1. Keep your email to a sentence or two
2. Ask a question from something in his profile – this shows you’ve read it
3. Add a comment or compliment about something that struck you from his profile
4. Don’t waste time writing anything about you – that’s all in your profile
5. Don’t talk about how much you have in common – he’ll be the judge of that

Don’ts
1. Expect that every man will answer you
This has nothing to do with you – its just the way things are. After all, you don’t respond to every man, and if you do, please stop. That is a waste of your precious time.

2. Don’t email more than 2-3 men at a time
Things can get confusing with online dating. Make your life easy and don’t approach more than a few guys at time. This will make it much easier to keep track of who is who and also easier to converse. Do yourself a favor and don’t get overwhelmed and be too aggressive with your search.

3. Fall in love with a profile
It’s just a profile and frequently embellished or sometimes, sadly – fiction. You’ve got to email, talk on the phone and meet the guy to know if he’s who he says he is. This takes time. So don’t fall in love with how good he sounds on paper.

4. Don’t encourage pen pals
Unless you want a pen pal, beware of men who love to email you and text, but can’t seem to have phone conversations. Or they love to talk on the phone, but just can’t find time to meet you. I know people who have fallen for this and had virtual relationships for 6 months waiting to meet the person. It likely won’t happen!

5. Get all bummed out about rejection after every man you email.
Online dating involves a fair share of rejection. But that is just a part of the game.  Please don’t get all down in the dumps because some guys don’t follow through.  Online dating is a numbers game so keep going. There are more than 40 million singles online – how many have you met?

6. Get unrealistic with timing.
You have to collect a lot of data about a prospect to know if he’s good date or mate material.  Know this is a process and that every thing takes time. If you are in a hurry, count on lots of disappointment. Things don’t hurry up just because you feel the clock ticking or want it right now.

Of course, there is so much more I can share with you  and will in my next ebook begin written right now. Look for it this fall.

In the meantime – have fun! 20% of relationships today start on the Internet. Whether or not you decide to become a dating coaching client, these tips will help you find greater success online

Online Dating: How Do I Weed Out the Unsavory Types?

Dear Dating Coach,

“Every time I meet someone on a dating website, they turn out to be completely opposite of what I read about them. There are also a lot of creepy people on them also. How do I weed them out?”

Missing the Mark is Missouri

Dear Missing,

Thanks for your question. Sorry to hear that folks seem different than their profiles. The problem is that most people don’t really know how to describe themselves and usually the vast majority of online profiles sound surprisingly similar. That’s why I help a lot of dating coaching clients write their profiles – so they can stand out from the crowd and get noticed more quickly.

Not sure what your “weeding” process looks like so it’s hard to comment on how to improve it. The trick is to read between the lines, email a few times, talk on the phone once or twice and meet for an hour.

I totally understand how you feel. This is exactly  the kind of thing I do with my dating coaching clients who have felt like you  do. We work on creating a system to qualify prospects before meeting them.  And what clients have found is that with a few changes and some new savvy about the process, they get much better at reading between the lines and weeding men out who are not appropriate.

You do need to keep in mind that in order to find your prince, you will need to weed through a lot of frogs. That’s just how it works and there’s no way around it. But you will learn a tremendous amount about yourself, what you are looking for and what will work for you as you move through the process with your eyes, heart and mind open to men and love.

Sometimes women think the dating process should be really quick and easy since you can just pick the right man from the “online catalog” of match.com. (That’s a great post to read.) Unfortunately, that’s not so realistic. It takes time, patience, faith and the ability to laugh and stay light-hearted!

Don’t let yourself get down about it all. Keep in mind that every man you meet brings you one man closer to the right one for you. He’s out there I know it. I found love. So many of my clients  have found love. And what that means is you too can find love.

Let me know if I can help!

photo credit: frankartculinary

Dating After Divorce: Chemistry’s Free Weekend Starts Now!

While I’m not a big fan of online dating sites that use personality tests to match you up, Chemistry is probably far better than e-Harmony (almost anything is). And why not try it on a FREE weekend – like the one that starts today!

What are yo udoing this weekend? Hanging with the girls, Laundry? Driving your kids around? Come on – spend some time on you and look for a great guy – he might be there waiitng for you…

But you’ll never know unless ou get started doing something. So, why not try Chemistry for free and let me know how it goes?

This is your dating coach asking you to get busy meeting men to leverage the warm weather and take advantage of the summer season. Clock’s -a- ticking as they say…Have a great weekend.

Dating Over 50: What Do You Recommend to Find Love?

Dear Ronnie - The Dating Coach,

I am a 54 year old single woman from Seattle who is ready to find love. Just bought your book and am so excited to read it!

I am staying positive about meeting the perfect mate for me! I’d like a mate who shares some of my interests like: music (jazz, R & B, classical), movies, plays, and sporting events. I definitely want a man who is family oriented and enjoys travel. I joined eHarmony and was formerly a member of Match.com.  What do you recommend for me?

Sleeping good and feeling hopeful in Seattle

Dear Hopeful,

I am sorry to say that I’m not a fan of eHarmony. I suppose it might matter where you live, but they have very few men in your age bracket and it drops off quickly in the 40′s. I know this from the  2,000+ dating coaching clients I have helped, many of whom have complained bitterly about the site.

The site is also notorious for sending matches of men with expired profiles! They don’t tell you that for obvious reasons. Most men don’t want to fill out eHarmony’s236 questions and don’t care about personality tests. They don’t want to be bothered with cumbersome communication methods either.

On the other hand – you never know and occasionally women over 40 do meet a man on that site. There are exceptions to every rule, so don’t worry that you already signed up. Think of it as just ONE of the avenues you can employ to meet men. You may also want to join another site, go to singles dances, try speed dating, etc. to supplement your eHarmony activity. Match.com actually has a lot more men and 50+ is the fastest growing age group for online dating. That’s the good news!

I believe in making an “Action Plan” planning exactly what you are going to do each month to meet new men. Without such a plan, you may not be in the mood, feel like there is nothing to do, focus on chores or hang with the girls. These other options are perfectly fine as part of your life - but they won’t help you meet men.

I recommend to my over 40 dating coaching clients to decide how often you are willing to do something to meet men every month and then create your plan including signing up for things and putting them on your calendar.

The next area to focus on is what I call your “Inner Plan.”  This is about the steps you will take to make sure you believe in love. And to make sure you are open to and attract the man you have described.

Steps might include affirmations, visualization, positive thinking, chanting, prayer and several other ideas I’ve outline in great detail in my book MANifesting Mr. Right. (Thanks for your recent purchase by the way!)

 My book is actually divided into three segments:
1. Dater’s Mind – The right mind set for the best dating results.
2. Action Plan – How to meet lots of new men
3. Protocol – Understanding how dating works

You’ll find lots of helpful tips and proven strategies in the book that have worked for so many women. And they helped me meet and marry my husband!

Good for you for staying positive about meeting men – some times that is more than half the battle!

Wishing you love,
Ronnie – The Dating Coach
203-877-3777

 

Dating Over 40: 5 Tips to Make Online Dating Sizzle

Frequently, clients come to me for dating coaching when they are frustrated with online dating. They don’t like the men who wink or email. They don’t understand why men email, then disappear. They are tired of pen pals or guys who never get around to meeting. There are so many things that are annoying about the process. Yet, 12% of marriages today begin with online dating and the percentage of relationships from the web is even higher.

So what’s a woman to do?
Learn how to be more effective on the net!

Here are five tips that will help you get the most from your online efforts. I’ve consulted with a number of experts, compiled their advice and shared it here with you.

1. Your Profile Should Intrigue Men
Women often write profiles thinking they need to provide every detail. Don’t do it! Most men don’t want to read a bunch of personal details. And amazingly, most profiles sound the same. You’re comfortable at a picnic or drinking champagne, you love cultural events, you like to read the paper on Sundays and go to the movies. Boring! Find a way to stand out. You don’t need to give your resume, just a piece of the puzzle to capture his attention and make him want to know more.

2. Email Starts a Conversation
There’s a tendency to repeat details from your profile in your first contact emails. Don’t do it! Instead, write something about his profile. make a humorous comment or ask him a single question about what you read that attracted you to him. Keep it short, upbeat and flirty.

3. Get from Email to Phone ASAP
You may think you are getting to know someone better when you email longer, but this is not the best strategy. Better to email 2-3 times, then get to the phone. You have to converse before you can meet and the net is a numbers game, so meet the guy and find out if there is potential. If not, you can move on. If you like him, you’ll find out if he’s really interested in you when he asks for a second date.

4. Phone Calls Are for Scheduling the First Meeting
I’ve had many coaching clients tell me they chatted for hours from the very first call. Don’t do it! The point of the phone call is to hear his voice, find out if you can hold a conversation and want to know more, and schedule the first date. Regardless of how great the conversation is, end it after 20-30minutes and save something for your live date. You don’t need to tell each everything and in fact you could very well shoot yourself in the foot if you do.

5. First Date = Short Date
The purpose of your first date is to see if there is any potential for a real date. Coffee dates are like first interviews. The point is to discover if a second date is warranted and nothing more.

Don’t get sucked into dinner dates or let a coffee date turn into a marathoner. Have a glass of wine, a cup of coffee or a milkshake (I had a client who loved this). Chat for an hour or 90 minutes tops. Smile, say thank you and wrap it up. Leave him wanting more so there will hopefully be a second date.

Try these 5 proven tips suggested by me and many of my fellow experts to get your online dating sizzling and minimize your frustration.

photo credit: Eflon

Over 40 Dating: Connecting on Facebook – Cyberspace vs. Real Life

How do you know if a guy you knew in high school could be a decent dating prospect today when you reconnect via Facebook?

Last week, Alice,  a divorced woman  in her 40′s, wrote to me asking for dating coaching advice about a guy on Facebook. She’s been reconnecting with school buddies and found one guy she had a big crush on in high school. Tom responded to her friend request and emails very positively – he seemed genuinely happy to hear from her!  She was asking me for advice on her next step because she had been too aggressive in the past and didn’t want to mess this one up.

Understanding True Meaning – The Difference Between Nice and Real Interest

In fact, at the end of one recent email, Tom suggested that Alice let him know if she’s ever in town again.  Alice really got her hopes up high on that invitation. She emailed back telling him she was, in fact, gong to be in town. He asked why? Alice didn’t answer that question, but went on to suggest talking on the phone to make  plans. Tom didn’t bite. He emailed that she should just call him when she gets to town.

The Rules of Dating Apply to Meeting Men on Facebook

Not sure what to think about his response, Alice asked me what her next step should be. In a kind manner as I handle all my over 40 dating coaching clients, I suggested to Alice that perhaps she had been overly enthusiastic and too aggressive again. Most men don’t want to be pursued  by a woman.  Men prefer to be in charge of picking who they want to date and setting things up as well. Alice, in her excitement about Tom’s emails, jumped the gun and stepped over the line. The result? Tom pulled away. Same thing happens in real life – the rules don’t change in cyberspace.

The Virtual World of Facebook vs. Real Life

There’s a huge gap between happily emailing with a FB buddy and taking it to the next level – real life. Tom had no issue with emailing and learning about Alice’s life in the virtual world. His comment about “Let me know when you’re in town.” was a harmless throw away, a lot like “I’ll call you.”  It’s a  nice thing to say, but not necessarily a true statement. How many times have you heard a guy (or even a woman friend) say  that?

If  Tom was really interested in Alice, he would have talked about getting together vs. throwing out this time-warn phrase.

The Next Step for Alice – Keep Looking

Some mid life women forget or are unaware that dating over 40 is very similar to the way things worked in high school. Alice’s next step is to keep looking for new men to meet – either through Facebook or the real world.  Move on to discover who is next! Tom has already shown he’s not interested in real world contact, so there’s nothing left here. If she wants to email and keep a virtual friendship going – that’s a choice. But if she’s going to hold out hope that things will turn around, that will put off her chances of finding love.

At the very least, Alice learned about Tom’s lack of true interest quickly which is the  silver lining to this cloud. Now she is free to move on and continue looking for Mr. Right.

People do reconnect and meet via Facebook – you just need to keep your expectations in check and live in the real world.  Emailing is easy. The phone is next. But virtual guys only become prospects when you can meet them face to face in the real world. The qualities someone looks for in an email buddy are not the same things you need in a flesh and blood life partner.

photo credit: Kiwehowin.’s

Dating Over 40: NY Times Article Questions Validity of Online Dating Sites with Personality Tests

As I’ve been saying all along, there’s little hard proof that sites that match you based on compatibility will deliver better results than other online dating sites. This NY Times article says that further research is being conducted to determine just how effective sites like eHarmony and Chemistry.com really are.

One thing that did not get discussed is the balance between men and women on these sites. It probably never will be either because why would these companies want to admit to the imbalance between the sexes. My personal viewpoint is that men don’t care about personality tests the same way women do (especially dating over 40) that means (granted from my perspective) that men will not want to fill out 258 questions on a site like eHarmony.

In addition, these “matching” sites can only guarantee matches, but not that those men will contact you. So is it really better than Match.com or the free site Plentyoffish.com  for that matter. Picking your own prospects may work just as well as if not better!

The article entitled “Blinded by Science in the Online Dating Game” is very well named. So far there is absolutely no proof at all that paying more for personality tests truly makes a difference.

Some women who are dating over 40 feel that the men willing to invest time in filling out the questionnaire is a pre-sorting method in itself. That might hold some validity, yet it narrows the offerings. I recommend not relying on just one method any way – instead using a variety of methods to meet prospective men.

Online dating is great. But don’t forget singles dances, speed dating, singles groups, and blind dates. These methods also produce results and the combination helps you meet a wide variety of men. Since dating is a  numbers game, that ‘s the bottom line. You need to meet lots of men to find the one who is right for you.

When picking an online dating site, be sure to first browse to see if there are enough men in your geographic area before signing up. And if the site doesn’t permit browsing – DON’T SIGN UP!

photo credit – Katie Durault

Dating Over 40: Why Online Dating is NOT the Same as Catalog Shopping

Last night I gave a talk at Dr. Ellen Mahony’s office in Westport, CT. Not one of my traditional venues, but certainly a great place to meet women over 40! Dr. Ellen is just a doll, so if you are interested in getting a little somethin’ somethin’ done, check her out.

Anyway, I was talking about Internet Dating: 10 Myths vs. Reality.  What’s the number one myth? That finding a man online is like catalog shopping! Yes, you know exactly what I mean and you may have fallen victim to this thinking. It’s understandable, so don’t feel bad if it has happened to you.

When you visit sites like match.com – there are literally millions of profiles to view. Some people (especially regarding men’s behavior)  refer to this as “Candy Store Mentality.” So many flavors to choose from! But we women have our own problem mentality which I call “Catalog Shopping.”

Let me give you an example. Say you’re shopping online looking at Coldwater Creek or Chicos, Lands End or Overstock.com. It’s easy to buy clothing or housewares from these sites. You click through the pages looking at tons of photos and reading descriptions…searching for just what you want.

On sites like match or yahoo personals, you use this same methodology, looking at photos of men, to find what you want right? You read lots profiles to determine if the male options meet your expectations and needs.

Problem is – finding a man isn’t really like buying housewares or clothing. A man is much more like a big ticket item – similar to a car. It’s true!

Think about it this way. When you shop for a car, do you limit yourself to collecting all your data online? Of course not! You may do your research first via the Internet, but then you go out to actually see the car.  You sit in the vehicle to feel if its comfortable and drive it to see how it handles.

Well same things goes for a man! You can’t tell completely if he might be a good fit or how he handles via the web. An in-person inspection is required. That’s exactly why your Catalog Shopping mentality severely limits the number of men you meet and your dating success.

Just like with a car, you need a personal experience with the man to decide how good of a prospect he is. I know, you have very little time and don’t want to waste any on obviously mad matches which is the reason you make these snap judgments.

But what about the fence sitters? The men you aren’t sure about, so you pass over them. More often than not, the good men are these guys who you eliminate  for a variety of superficial reasons:

• Poor spelling
• Bad photo
• Boring profile
• Wrong college

These are not great reasons to pass on someone and they dramatically limit your prospects. Countless dating coaching clients(especially over 40)  tell me they just abhor spelling errors and simply can’t tolerate it. If you can’t tolerate spelling problems, you probably can’t tolerate men – because there’s a whole lot more to a relationship than that.  Please come back to earth and get real.

Consider this advice – Stop deleting and start giving these men a chance.  Being discerning is important, but hyper-selectivity is an obstacle to finding love.  The easiest thing you can do is say “No.”  But, it takes courage and vision to give more guys a chance. And the reward?  A  far greater shot of meeting the right man for you.

Think about trading up from being a ”Catalog Shopper” to a “Tire Kicker.”  You’ll meet a heck of a lot more men – which is truly the key to finding the love you want.

Over 40 Dating: e-Harmony Sends Matches from Men Who Are Inactive!

If you read my blog or newsletter, you know I advise against e-Harmony, particularly for the over 40 crowd.

Men Don’t Care about Personality Tests
I have nothing against the site. It’s just that I don’t think many men are willing to fill out 436 questions about their personality. The vast majority of men can’t be bothered with a convoluted communication method following a specific email protocol or a personality test. combine that perspective with all the dating coaching clients and women I know who complain bitterly about their experience and you can see how I came to this conclusion.

But listen to this…

Real Life Story about e-Harmony Matches
One of my clients called to tell me a real life story. Her friend Tom, who just got married, recently heard from Susie, his wife’s friend, that she just received Tom’s profile as one of her e-harmony matches!

How is this possible you ask?

Well, Tom thought he had shut down his profile ages ago. Turns out he only marked his profile “inactive” not specifically to shut the whole thing down.  Oh oh. Obviously, that’s not the way to go if you want to stop all activity.

Inactive and Active Profiles Are Sent as Matches
Now we know without question that e-Harmony sends matches to people from their data base of both active and inactive clients. Drawing my own conclusions, this further reinforces for me that the site does not have enough men. Why else would they  resort to such questionable tactics?

Not a Player
Don’t worry though, Tom went back into his profile and shut the whole thing down. He was pretty furious though, since he is not a cheater, just got married and is freaked that anyone might consider him to be  a player.

Word to the Wise  - Shut Down Profile Completely
If you have a profile on e-harmony, and you only made your profile inactive – better go back in and shut it down completely if you don’t want your profile to be sent out as a match!.

Over 40 Dating : Can I Get Dates on Facebook?

Yup! That’s another great tip from Jerry, that single midlife guy I spoke about the other day. Jerry tells me he got sick of Match.com and those other big sites because it wastes his time.

“Women just won’t write back or respond. I don’t understand – isn’t that why they joined?”

Excellent question Jerry, I wonder that myself about many of my clients. I’ve met Jerry and he’s pretty good lookin’  in my book. Maybe the problem is he didn’t got to college – he’s a blue collar guy – but very clean cut, church-going, blonde, 5’11″ and he can fix stuff!

My motto is that a college degree won’t keep you warm at night, doesn’t guarantee a good job or much intelligence as a matter of fact. Also,once you go blue you never go back – but perhaps I’m biased…

Any way that’s why Jerry started really checking out Facebook. He says he’s having good luck looking up women from high school and his past and reconnecting with old friends. I think that’s a smart idea! What a great use of the whole myspace/facebook thing.

Why not give it a go? I’ll give youa few tips to get started.

1. Poke around to find old friends and reconnect.
2. Check out who their friends are – maybe you know some of them.
3. Watch the facebook updates and comment on their wall about stuff they write – this is how you get good conversations going.
4. Use your sense of humor! Try flirting even.
5. Update what you are doing on a regular basis – and not just that you are having a cup of tea! Say something interesting or funny or topical to attract comments yourself.
6. Send private messages when you want to talk about something in particular – build rapport with individuals
7. Let it be fun, don’t take it too seriously.

None of this has to take a lot of time. Certainly less than trolling on match.com. You’ll catch up with old friends and maybe meet some new ones too!  Please let me know how it works out.