Dating After Divorce: I Don’t Want to Raise More Kids – Should I Leave Now?

Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach, I am divorced. I met a very nice man through a friend. In the beginning we spoke online for hours. We began to get together, meeting at the beach to talk. After two months, he asked me out to dinner and he paid. Four months later, he expects both of us to share the cost our nights out. For example, if he bought dinner, he expects me to pay for the movie. I have not complained. I hadn’t dated for years so I thought it was normal. Then in one of our many conversations, we discussed children. I have two teenagers and explained that I do not wish to have more. He was understanding but felt my “No” meant maybe. He has two children as well 4 and 7. Four months into a relationship, he tells me his children are moving in with him. I was shocked. I do not want to raise small children all over again. I already did that with my own.  Should I end this relationship now before it gets more serious?

Nervous in Tucson

Dear Nervous,

There is a lot going on in this email and I’m not exactly sure what the priority is regarding your question.

Is it normal for a man to expect you to contribute to your dates after four months? Absolutely. Had you asked me earlier in the process of dating this guy, I would have pointed out that meeting him in a park is not only a safety risk initially, but speaks to his not having much money for dating.

However, his financial situation might not really be a concern of yours. If he’s a good person and supports himself, then that can be enough for many women. In this day and age with more equality between the sexes, sharing the costs is to be expected after the first two to three dates. Or sometimes the man picks up the check and you treat him to something else.

But if a man doesn’t start out treating you to dinners, you can’t expect him to suddenly start paying for everything. Men are at their very best during the first three dates. What you see is what you get and it doesn’t get better.

Regarding the child situation, that’s another ball game. Whether or not he thought you meant maybe, he’s got kids and now they will be living with him. Do you think they might grow on you? If you want nothing to do with young kids, he’s probably not the right man for you. These decisions are very tough, but you are on target when you say better to leave now then six months from now.

Make a clean break and look for another man who is free from his child-rearing years. In addition, you might want to learn about dating protocol and what works best today.

In my book, MANifesting Mr. Right, I have an entire section on “Dating Protocol” which will help you understand things like who should pay, dating roles for men and women, red flags to watch for, a dating report card  and so much more. You can get a downloadable ebook , paperback or audio on CD.

In any way format, you’ll get the same great insights, wisdom and tips on dating that will help you find the right man for you.

Wishing you love,

Ronnie – The Dating Coach

Dating After Divorce: I’m Dating Dr. Jekyll, But Don’t Like Mr. Hyde

Here’s a question that shows up more frequently that you might imagine. That’s why I want to share it with you – in case you too might be going through something similar.

Dear Ronnie the Dating Coach

I’ve been dating a 41-yr old man since last December. He pursued me while I was living in far away. Now we live in the same city and see each more often. Every time we get together, the chemistry is amazing. He even says how much he likes me and feels deeply connected. the problem is  that a few days later, he completely rejects the whole idea of a relationship and backs away. It’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – he becomes the total opposite of who he is when he is with me.

His excuses are ever evolving – first he wasn’t ready. Nnw he says he  doesn’t get enough butterflies when we’re apart. The problem is he keeps his distance and I sense his fear of commitment. His wife left him 2 years ago and he’s been up and down like a rollercoaster every since.

He tells me how much he cares about me and he won’t fully dump me. Yet reacts almost irrationally when there are a few days between visits. I don’t know what to do because I like him and I know he likes me, and our chemistry is hard to find. He has even admitted this to me.

I know the answer for myself is to let this go. But it’s hard when I know he still has feelings for me. I wish I could understand his inconsistent behavior, and then, have some resolution in myself to be able to move on and get over the longing that I have for him.

Please help,
 Tired of Dating  Dr. J
************

Dear Tired,

I totally understand what you are saying about this guy. And you may not like my advice, but since you did ask this dating coach, I’m going to tell you what I think.

As I would say to any dating coaching client who asked me this question, I want to simply confirm your own feelings about your man. I recommend that you let him go. That is the only solution because you cannot change anyone. And he is not emotionally available, regardless of your great chemistry.

In addition, chemistry is not enough to hold a relationship together – it takes Emotional Maturity – something he may be lacking; Commitment – something he isn’t capable of right now; and the Desire  to make it work. Your desire isn’t enough for the both of you.

Also keep in mind that Dr. Jekyll will always come as a package deal with Mr. Hyde. They are inseparable because they are the same man. This might be what adds to the chemistry and excitement because you are kept on your toes, never quite knowing who will show up.

He won’t let go because he knows you are a great catch and possibly because he just can’t be alone. But his yoyo-ing is very bad for your self-esteem.  When a man doesn’t know what he wants, the woman suffers who tries to hang in there. I’ve been down this same road myself. And it took me 18 years to recover! Don’t let that happen to you.

Dont wait for him to dump you – let go of him because he is not ready. And therefore, he must not be the right guy for you. Someone else is out there for you. You deserve a man who is ready for a relationship, treats you well, is rational vs. irrational and knows a good thing like you when he sees it.

Wishing you love,
Ronnie – The Dating Coach

photo credit: newhousedesign

Dating After Divorce: He’s Nice, Generous, Good Looking, But I Don’t Love Him.

Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach,

I’ve been dating this man for 4 years. After 6 months of dating him, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. He stayed with me through chemo, baldness, and radiation. He is a very kind, caring, and generous man. He fixes things around my condo. He has grown children and we get along fine.  He is nice, decent looking, gives good advice  and is my age – 60.

There are some things that make me wonder if he is the best I can get. He is on the quiet and boring side, although he likes to go and do stuff. He does not have much to say on the phone.

I don’t feel it for him. He is kind, but I’m not excited about him. He is not sophisticated or get social etiquette. He eats while the rest of us converse during a meal.  He repeats and continues talking and obsessing after I’ve stopped talking about something. He has a very messy small house in a neighborhood I don’t like and he tends to hoard things which is why I’m concerned about a future with him. And the sex is ho hum.

We only seen each other on the weekends. During a school week I’m too tired to have him over. I don’t want to have sex nor do I want to entertain during the week. He comes over Saturday afternoon and sleeps over til Monday. I like being a couple. I like having company on the weekend.

I wish I was in love or loved him. I’m not sure what being in love means. I know lust. I know being excited about someone. I don’t want to be single. I prefer going through life with a companion.  A lot of my girlfriends are dating. They don’t find anyone , they have difficulty. I know, I’ve been there. I’ve never had anyone that has worked out. Even my ex husband who I was married to for 21 years. I miss a man with that outgoing personality.

Anyway, I need to know what makes a good relationship. I know no one is perfect. Do I stay or do I go. I’d like to get married at some point, but fear him getting on my nerves and being annoying.

Thanks for your insights,
Unsatisfied in Sarasota

Dear Unsatisfied,

This is not an easy answer for several reasons. Let me start by saying that love is not lust. And often lust doesn’t turn into a relationship. More frequently its just lust and dissipates as quickly as it showed up.

Second, you have found a man who loves you, stuck by you when things were tough, is loyal and consistent. He’s caring generous, fixes things, is good looking, your age and still has sex. Most of your descriptions sounds pretty good to me. I’m not sure  you value the things that are going well in your relationship. Sometimes the grass looks greener…

He does some things that annoy you – I bet you do some things that annoy him too. We all experience this – that’s what a relationship is – learning to compromise and be flexible.

Third, you don’t want to socialize during the week, even with your boyfriend of four years. This is a stumbling block if you want to find a new man. I think its amazing you have found a man who will put up with a weekend only relationship. Many men wouldn’t.

Maybe he isn’t the right man to marry. Maybe he is – I can’t say. But, considering your current circumstances, sounds like he fits into your life quite nicely.  Since you don’t want to see him during the week, maybe you don’t really want to live with someone and be bothered by daily life with a man. That makes me question your desire for marriage.

Is there someone better out there? Hard to say. It’s possible. But do you have the time or desire to do what’s needed to find a new guy? Would you prefer a more interesting man who was great in bed, but slept around, drank, was cheap and wouldn’t commit?

I recommend spending time figuring out the answers to these questions. I wouldn’t make any changes or jump to any conclusions until you determine that what you have isn’t good enough AND are willing to invest time and money to find another.

The dating journey is really one where you get to know yourself – what you want, what works and what you are willing to  do to get what you want. I advise figuring this out first, then go from there. Knowing what you want is the first step.  And feeling grateful for what you do have can sometimes make the grass at your feet greener right before your eyes

Wishing you love,

Your dating coach – Ronnie

Dating after Divorce: Why Doesn’t He Ask Me Out?

Dear Dating Coach,

I’ve been divorced for 4 yrs and now I’ve become interested in a guy I work with. My friends tell me he likes me a lot and he lost his wife about 4 yrs ago. I’m very old fashion and wasn’t brought up to ask a guy out. He comes to visit my office every day, about 2 to 3 times. I think he is just as nervous to ask as I am.

I really like this guy. Sometimes we talk for hours and we have both worked together for a long time. But no one is making a move to ask the other out.  Being old fashioned i don’t want to make the first move, but I don’t want to lose a chance of happiness with this man. How can I break the ice without scaring him away?

Office Romance

Dear Office,

I’m glad to hear you are old fashioned – that is exactly what works best in dating! Things tend to work out better when the man asks the woman out. That said, this situation needs some clarifying.

Your guy got married once, so he does know what to do. All men know what to do no matter how shy they are. Why isn’t he asking you out? here are some possible reasons:

1. He’s not ready to date and still healing from losing his wife. This happens often for widowers – some men just take longer to recover than others. He may be still pining away and that means his heart might not be open fully to you and he’s not emotionally available.

2. He likes you but isn’t sure you are the one for him. He enjoys your companionship, yet doesn’t want to spoil the friendship to risk taking things to the next level.

3. He’s lacking testosterone to make the first move, which is not a good sign in my book. The last thing you want is a man who needs babying or hand holding. That might seem nurturing at first, filling the Florence Nightingale role. But it will get tiresome to have to take the lead all the time and make all the decisions.

4. He enjoys your company and his fulfilling his need for female company with you. But he’s not relationship ready. Lots of single men tend to do this. My friend and colleague, Katherin Scott, insists that her male dating coaching clients stop spending time with their female friends while searching for a romantic partner. Once they get their “fix,” they feel less motivated to do the work of looking for love.

However, all that said, if you really want to push the envelope here, try one of these suggestions:

1. Get your friends to suggest that he ask you out
2. If you start talking about a movie or new restaurant, say “Hey, why don’t we check it out?”
3. If he can help you with some project at home, as for his help. Say, “Do you have any time this weekend to come by and help me with that?”

Just remember, you can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. If he’s not ready, he might take you up on your offer, but still not follow up with his own.

Whatever you do, only make this move ONE TIME! If he really is as interested as your friends say, he will pick up the  ball and ask you out for a second date. And if he doesn’t, then please move on to find a man who is capable of asking you out and being in a relationship. You deserve to find love with a man who is emotionally available and ready.

Dating Over 40: I’m Desperate for Things to Work with Him

Have you ever felt desperate for things to work out with a man?  You met this guy and the two of you hit it off. Everything fell into place easily and you were elated to have found such a great guy. But as the weeks pass, maybe in week 8 or week 12, something shifted.

At first the change was minor and you barely noticed it – but you sort of did. With each week he seemed a little more distant. A little busier. Maybe he called less or  he texted more. It’s hard to put your finger on but you know, you KNOW something is different.

Your man seems to be losing interest. What should you do?

Some women go into hyper-drive to show the guy what a great woman you are. You might cook more, make cookies, or offer to help with a project. Other women try being even more flexible, bending over backwards to get the guy’s attention. Still others call more often, hoping he just needs a break and you can take over for now…

Inside you may be panicking, wondering if you are imagining things or making up problems where there are none. You  call your girlfriends, spending too much time analyzing each move and comment he makes. It’s unnerving, disquieting and very uncomfortable.

What do these scenarios have in common? They are all actions and thought patterns motivated by fear – the fear of losing it even if it was not fully realized. They are thoughts and acts of a woman desperate to recapture what was and rekindle the flame that seems to be diminishing and  possibly going out. I totally understand – many clients feeel this way. I have felt this way too.

Just the other day a woman called who was worried about her 5 week relationship. Darla had met Jack online and was very into him. But Jack had a lot of baggage – extremely difficult ex wife, small children and lots of mistrust based on  women cheating on him.

Jack wanted to take things slowly. When Darla and Jack were together it was pure heaven, but getting together, that wasn’t so easy. And, Jack just put Darla off for a couple of weeks with the excuse – family obligations.

Darla called me in a total panic.  She explained her own trepidations that Jack might not come through. Darla wanted to see things work out. From this dating coach’s perspective, I see RED FLAGS FLYING!

1. 5 weeks and Darla is very tied to this guy. But she’s only had four dates – how well does she know him – really?
2. Jack has admitted that he’s afraid of being hurt – not completely emotionally available is he?
3. Jack has retreated for a few weeks – after only the fifth week -  not relationship ready perhaps?

Darla’s panic is not a good sign. I wondered why she is so invested at this early stage? That’s too much pressure on a budding romance. Whether or not you choose me as your dating coach, I always explain how the first 4-10 dates are not yet a relationship. It’s just dating or as I call it  “data gathering”, observing a man’s behavior to see how you get along, if you enjoy each others’ company and if there is long-term potential worthy of your time.

If you feel panic and would like to transform that feeling, I’m here to help you. Whether or not you choose me as your dating coach, there are many strategies that can help like:

1. Dating more than one man at a time
2. Pulling back so he can come forward
3. Managing your own energy and expectations

Each one of these methods can make a tremendous difference in your dating experience and success. Can you see the benefit and hear the opportunity in feeling supported by  a professional dating coach? Don’t let things spiral out of control. Give me a call 203-877-3777 and let’s discuss how you can have a more relaxed dating experience.

Dating Over 40: When He Never Does Anything Right

Have you ever felt like the man you are seeing just can’t do anything right? Even when you take the time to explain how you want things in a gentle way so you don’t hurt his ego. Still, nothing… How can this be? Does he really not care? Does he not want to make you happy? Is he incapable of thinking past himself?

This is one of the great mysteries about men for that women graple with.  I haven’t quite figured this out yet. But, let me share with you how I helped one of my dating coaching clients this week with this problem.

Patty has actually been in a relationship for 4 years. Coming up on their fourth anniversary, Patty didn’t want to relive the previous time markers as they had been very unsatisfactory. Tim had forgotten the first year. The second year, Patty made a dinner reservation. The third year they didn’t do anything and coming up – year 4.

This lack of acknowledging an important milestone hurt Patty and left her feeling unloved. Yet, it was very confusing because she knew in her heart that Tim did love  her. So what is the story?

Overall, Patty is both unhappy AND happy with Tim. She appreciates the love, the snuggling, the support, but Tim isn’t as social or talkative which tends to bring Patty down. Is he the wrong man for her?

Not sure about that. Looking deeper into things, Patty is unhappy with her life. She had lost some long-time friends do to them moving away and natural attrition. Her job is very stressful and in perimenopause, she’s more emotional than she ever was. When Tim comes home from his day, she looks to him to fulfill her high level social needs – which is not in his nature.

And then we have the anniversary fiascoes building up. He had promised year 4 would be different and he didn’t come through.

As we continued to talk, it came to me that Patty might be dumping all of her unhappiness and life disappointments on to Tim’s shoulders. Now it’s true, he’s not good with anniversaries and who knows why. But when Patty looks at things objectively, she doens’t want to leave Tim. She likes his even-tempered nature, his reliability and his totally trustworthiness.

Even though Patty had started to look at apartments, thinking the only solution is to move out, through our dating coaching discussion, Patty started to consider another option based on this foundational thought:

Tim is not responsible for her happiness or her entertainment. She is.

Patty needs to do something to turn around her life. To make it richer, fuller, more satisfying and fun-filled. She needs some new girlfriends and interests. She needs to exercise and manage her stress. She needs to stop this train before she dumps a guy she does love.

Sometimes when we put more and more pressure on a man to deliver, he resists even more. Is this stubbornness? An uncaring nature? Or an energetic principle at work, based on the Law of Attraction,  that manifests in a man’s resistance? I’m leaning towards the latter. Like attracts like, so criticism might attract…more things to criticize…

Before Patty throws Tim out with the bath water, so to speak, she agreed to pull back, stop picking on him for everything and work on herself. This is very wise. You can never go wrong with this as your focus until you get more clarity.

This wasn’t the easiest dating coaching session I ever facilitated, but it could be the start of a transformation for Patty that shifts her life, her perspective and possibly her relationship with Tim. As her dating coach,, I’m rooting for her all the way.

photo credit: Adam Crowe