Long Distance Relationships

Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach

I believe I will be forever single. I was in a 10-year bad relationship which is not over. I have dated on and off for several years, but never intentionally looking for a life partner. Just recently, on vacation to Jamaica, I met this man and we fell in love. He has come to see me at Christmas time, I have gone to see him twice, he paid for half my fare both times.

We want to be together and in fact I went there to find work. The recession is everywhere soooo I couldn’t find work as a teacher with two Masters degrees and being Bilingual. He can’t come here cause his parents are up in age, he has a 23 and 19 year old he is responsible for, plus he has a small business. Needless to say, I’m still single the one time I know it’s right.

The problem is, we are friends and talk all the time. I’ve tried dating but no sparks fly as I have become a workaholic to fill the empty space in my heart. Ronnie, do you have any advise for me to get me out of this no-win situation?

Please help,
Forever Single

Dear Forever,

My heart goes out to you because this is such a difficult situation. Long distance relationships can be hard. But, they can also work out!

I know of two couples personally who had long distance relationships that worked out very well. They took a shot and made it happen. One woman lived in Boston and her guy lived in France – they met on vacation. After four years of dating across the Atlantic, he moved to the states and they married. It has been a rewarding, loving, and lasting partnership. They have a beautiful daughter and started a French import business together.

The second was guy I know from New York City. One day while surfing the web, he found an British artist’s website he was completely wowed by. He emailed her with no agenda beyond talking about her art. Eventually, he flew to England where they met and fell in love. She lives here now and they are also happily married.

If you love each other, save up and visit as often as you can until you CAN find work. Don’t give up! I’m not sure I understand, why you have given up? Could it be your outlook and belief that you will be forever single? What would happen if you shifted your attitude to, “We’re going to make this work”?

There are many things that could happen to facilitate the two of you being together. First of all, jobs come up all the time. So why not keep on looking, rather than give up? Second, what else could you do with two masters degrees besides teach? Maybe you need to be a little bit creative. Third, sometimes things happen out of the blue that we never would never have expected or anticipated that help us live our dreams. That’s what can happen with the conviction that things will work out

Many people have found a way to be together. I realize the economy is bad, but I would think, where there is a will there is a way. If this is the love of your life, find a way!

On the other hand, if you feel that you will not likely be together, then the only way to heal your empty heart is to stop communicating with this man. It would be nearly impossible to look for a new love, when you are attached and in love with this man. You can always pick up your friendship again later, once you feel less attached. But, if you truly want love with someone new, you will need to free yourself up. Continuing to be in close contact with this man will keep you connected and in love for sure.

Let me encourage you to look for another way to be together. And in the meantime, save up to visit.

Wishing you love,

Ronnie Ann Ryan – The Dating Coach

Photo Credit: xlibber

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When Sparks Fly and There's Electricity

Dear Ronnie the Dating Coach for Women,

I am 40, and newly single. I’ve been seeing a man for about a month and I broke all your rules, but he is still calling me. At least for now. Things have definitely been cooling off. When we met, it was all electricity and we both felt it. So I am really sad to see such a strong connection go to waste. Especially if there is hope to rekindle it.

So, I am wondering if the “hard to get” part can be started this late in the game? I’ve never been good at these games and am out of practice now. So some advice would be most welcome.

Thanks so much, Carla for CO

Hi Carla,

Well that’s a very good question.  Can things be rekindled later in the game? I must admit I’m not sure and don’t really have enough information.

One thing Id like to clarify is the point of the “game” is not to manipulate. It plays to the heart of relationships. As I share with all my dating coaching clients,  humans tend to want what is not readily available. I’m not into game playing or head games. That’s immature and a waste of time. But, I am into smart dating that makes the most of your efforts.

So, when you don’t call a man and wait for his call, you are less available. You don’t invade his space and he has time to miss you.  If  you are busy but you don’t cancel your plans to see him, he learns to respect your time and sees that it’s as valuable as his. Then telling him when you are available, helps him know you are still interested.

It’s a game of human nature. When you avoid the game and act in a direct fashion, men often are not as interested because there is no challenge; no chase. A man gets invested in you when he needs to take steps to win you over. Do you see how this works?

Of course this isn’t true of every single man, but it’s hard to know upfront which are like this and which aren’t. Best to just follow what I call the “ballroom dancing theory of dating”. Allow the man to lead.

So, after one month, can you still do this? Perhaps.

If you were calling him and texting him a lot, stop. If you ask him out, stop. Wait to see what he does on his own. You can respond to anything he does, but try not to initiate. If this is drastically different from how you’ve been handling things, he may wonder what’s going on. Since it sounds like he has already been pulling away, let him go to see what happens. If you are less available and he is still interested, he may come back for more. Hard to say.

But one thing I know for sure is that chasing him to get things back the way they were is a complete and total waste of time.  Having worked with thousands of women as a dating coach, I can tell you right now that will not work. When a relationship that was steamy at first, starts to fizzle, its often because it was built only on sexual chemistry. The connection doesn’t have much more sticking power once that becomes routine.

For a lasting, loving relationship, you  need more than chemistry to make things work. Next time look for more signs of compatibility beyond the electricity you mentioned. That’s fun and exciting, but sadly as you are experiencing, it usually dissipates quickly.

Wishing you love,
Ronnie

Photo Credit: Qualsiasi

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Dating Over 40 - Dating After Divorce

I am in dire need of some advice. I have been dating a guy for 3 months. I have my own apartment, but am at his house a lot, 2-4 days during the week. When I’m there, I act as if we are married – cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of his dogs when he is out of town for work.

I KNOW that I am making this WAY too easy for him, but I don’t know how to start over and get things on the right track. I have also told him that I am in love with him.  He says he’s just not there yet. He has been divorced for almost two years now, and I am the first relationship since then.

I too am almost two years divorced. We speak of the future and I know that he cares about me, maybe even loves me, but is just afraid to say it? I feel like a need a dating coach and am so lost!! I just want to do this right and make this one last. Please help.

Not Married But Want to Be

-*-*-*-

Dear Not Married,

I can see from your words that you are in a lot of pain about this situation. You already know it’s not serving you, which makes my job as a dating coach for women dating over 40 or dating after divorce a little easier. Because the truth is, I have some tough love to share.

Let me start with the idea that you want to make this relationship last. My questions is, what do you get out of this bargain? Companionship? Sex? The privilege of being Cinderella? I am assuming you feel some sort of security in  acting like a married couple. Trouble is, you’re acting the part and he is NOT.

I understand that you rather be in a relationship than looking for one, but at what cost? You are clearly a woman who knows what is right because you said things aren’t going the way you want. You have put yourself in the position of “over-giving.”  While your intention might be to win him over, showing him the great wife you could be, he seems to only be going along for the ride.

If you back track by staying at his house less and stopping all household services, you might lose him.  However, I don’t see what he’s bringing to your party. Would you really be losing a relationship? He doesn’t say he loves you. I didn’t hear of any services he offers in return. In truth, he might care for you, but could also be taking advantage of some pretty worthwhile services.

Your man doesn’t need to buy the cow – you give the milk (household chores, not sex) away for free. What has he done to earn such incredibly generous treatment?

The alternative is to tell him that you have been thinking about the imbalance in your relationship. You want a committed, loving relationship. He seems more interested in maid service with benefits.

For self-preservation reasons, you have decided to withdraw. You really like him and would like to be in a relationship, so if he re-evaluates and wants to step up, he should let you know. In the meantime, you’ll be dating other men to find one who is seeking and ready for a balanced, healthy, loving relationship.

I hope you can hear that this advice is coming from my heart. I want you to not only be happy, but have the relationship you deserve. I am quite certain you deserve better than what this man has to offer.

Don’t act like a wife until there’s a solid reason to do so or trade your household services for love. In fact, today’s world has many working wives who let their men do their own laundry, grocery shop and cook. Please give it some serious thought.

Wishing you love,

Photo Credit: Steven Depolo

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Dating After Divorce & Dating Over 40

As a dating coach for women who are dating over 40 or dating after divorce, I hear a lot about the need for chemistry. My clients talk about instant chemistry, hot chemistry, sparks flying, etc. You get the picture and you probably have your own description of this as well.

While I agree, there has to be attraction for a relationship to work, I’m going to tell you something that you might think is absolutely sacrilegious:

Hot chemistry is not an indication of a long-lasting partner.

What? How can I say that? Because I’ve lived it myself, I’ve read a lot about this topic by the experts and I’ve spoken to thousands of people about this requirement.

Hot chemistry, that sizzling, spark flying feeling is about lust and a great sexual partner. Unfortunately, that man often doesn’t have staying power regarding relationship vs. sexual satisfaction. Think about it. Right now, take a moment to think about the hottest guys you’ve been with.

• Did those relationships last more than a few months?
• Were the guys good to you and treat you well?
• Did you fight a lot followed by hot “make up sex”?

This is nature’s trick on women. I don’t know why. The men who seem the hottest to you most often disappoint you, break your heart, and leave you wondering what happened. After all, how could a man walk away from such passion? For one thing – there’s always more passion and another woman.

Yet, you pine for Mr. Chemistry. You miss him deeply and think with chemistry like that, the relationship was “meant to be.” But, I want you to hear this message loud and clear:

When you find a relationship that is “Meant To Be”,
it continues, it’s more joyful than drama-filled, and
you bring out the best in each other.

If you had a relationship that was hot and steamy and it ended, don’t go looking for a replacement with similar qualities. Enjoy those memories and be grateful you had a good time. But, WAKE UP. Open your eyes, heart and mind to seek a good man, a man with lasting power (not just in the bedroom). Look to meet men who are compatible in all areas that are important for a healthy, loving relationship.

Such qualities include honesty, integrity, a similar view of life and the world, money and work ethic, acceptance of each other’s religious beliefs, compatible life styles, some overlapping interests, and an appreciation for each other’s sense of humor. These are indicators of long-term potential in a man and a relationship.

You know how women say a man thinks with his little head vs. his big head sometimes? Same thing goes for you! Don’t think with your vajayjay. Use your head, not just your heart and nether regions. Those two parts of you are not always the best at making decisions about love. You know this is true because you start doing foolish things you regret to keep him around way past the good times.

If you want a satisfying, long-term, loving relationship, start thinking of other qualities first besides chemistry. You can still find someone you are attracted to and have good chemistry with. It might not be the super hot, totally engulfing chemistry – but that’s when you know you are onto a man who could be a really good match for life.

Photo Credit: zhouxuan

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How Many Relationships Have You Had?

• Have you had more than one long-term relationship? 
• Have you been married more than once?
• Do you feel like you pick the wrong men?

A lot of people feel like a loser about their relationships. Maybe they’ve had a few long-term relationships that went south. And if you asked them how many relationships have you been in over the last 20 years, they might grimace.

This way of thinking is understandable. When you can’t keep it going while others seem to manage, you might think there is something wrong with you. You might blame your self, question your worthiness or feel you have a bad picker.

But, as your dating coach, I’d like to suggest another way to look at your track record.

What if you are learning?
Often the very best way to learn is through practice. Being in relationship offers loads of life lessons. According to many spiritual practices, relationships offer rich ground to grow and work out issues. What if you have been doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing?

-Does that feel different to you?
-What does that perspective offer you?
-How does that way of looking at your relationships help you shift your thoughts about yourself?

Neale Donald Walsch, author of Conversations with God has been married five times. Yup, count ‘em. 1-2-3-4-5! This is how he looks at what he’s been through. He’s always learning. Aren’t you learning too? He agrees with the spiritual aspect of relationships and how they offer great opportunities to grow and improve and that is the purpose of life really. At least one of the purposes.

Think about our lives today. How many people…
-Live in the first house they bought?
-Are still in their first job?
-Live in the town where they grew up?

Not many can say “Yes” to any of those three questions. We are moving, changing, evolving at a rapid pace. Sometimes it feels like the speed of light doesn’t it?

To me, its natural that you might have more than one long-term relationship as you continue to evolve. You learn lessons and grow out of a relationship. It was good at one point. Then it wasn’t. So, it stands to reasons that you moved on.

If you think about your situation through this new lens, can you cut yourself some slack? Can you lighten up and consider you are exactly where you are supposed to be? You have learned things, feel clear on what you don’t want to do again – this is a good thing! Clarity is a sought-after condition.

As your dating coach for women dating over 40 or dating after divorce, I invite you to adopt this concept as your own. Start thinking about your relationships in terms of what you learned, how you grew and where you are going next. Then, get out there to meet a new fellow, a guy with qualities to match the woman you are right now.

You deserve love no matter how many times you’ve already been down that road. Or even if you’ve never been there before. The  only way to find it is to start looking. Cross paths with new people and feel good about who you are. After all, some single guy would be darn lucky to be with a fabulous woman like you.

Photo Credit: the.leonko

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Dating After Divorce

Yesterday, I had lunch with my friend Beth. She’s seeing a new guy and she’s reached the 3 month mark, a pivotal time in a new relationship. While she has really been enjoying Tom, he had begun doing a few things that started getting under her skin.

Last weekend, as she began her drive to see him (the trip is an hour), she was already ruminating and feeling irritated.  She realized that a bad attitude was brewing and could potentially ruin her time with Tom. Then, Beth made a truly remarkable decision. In that moment of awareness, she bravely chose to shift her thinking.

The first step Beth took was to drive a different way to Tom’s house. Instead of racing down the highway, Beth picked a quiet state road. That small detour helped her stop obsessing and feeling angry because she had new scenery to view. The beautiful country tour helped her breathe more deeply, enjoy the ride and relax.

Since Beth was feeling better, she not only let go of her irritation with Tom, but chose more pleasant topics as her focus. By the time she arrived, she had an entirely different perspective on the situation. The best part? She and Tom had a great weekend together.

This was an incredibly powerful shift for Beth. What a perfect example of how much your control your own experience. She stopped blaming Tom and dropped her concerns. She pondered about more positive thoughts and relaxed her mind and body. The rewards speak for themselves.

Once you’ve spent a few months with a guy, you may start to experience little irritations. You are both settling into a routine and letting your hair down so to speak. Annoyance can be expected as both genders begin too relax and your best behavior tends to lapse.

At times, real concerns do surface at the three month mark. But often, partners can get past this phase and deepen the relationship by realizing that every relationship, no matter how good, does take work. Sometimes you need to stretch a bit, get out of your comfort zone and look at yourself. Once my dating coaching clients get to this stage, we work together to find ways through these situations.

This is actually why I chose my husband. I knew I could not be pushy and demanding with him, It just wouldn’t work. So, after 13 years together, I still have to rise above my natural tendencies to look for other ways and opportunities to handle my wants and our issues.

When you can look at yourself and make a choice to shift from within, rather than try to change someone else (which we all know does not work) you are sitting in the power seat for better, deeper, and healthier relationships.

Enjoy your Memorial Day!

Photo Credit: DieselDemon

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He has that certain something, a dash of charm and mystery. He’s got an elusive quality that fascinates you and draws you in. He may even be on the quiet side which really makes you wonder what he’s thinking…

Yup, you know him. You’ve dated him. He’s the emotionally unavailable man. Why is he so darn attractive?

Human nature is funny.

For the most part, whatever is unavailable or hard to get, is more desirable. Just the way it is when we let ourselves get drawn in without putting much thought into it.  This is the reason why married men can be so difficult for some women to resist. And why you get your heart broken by a guy who isn’t that capable of giving you more than the time of day.

When you start seeing this guy, women often drift into the land of wishful thinking. That’s the place where your new guy tells you he’s not interested in getting married or even in a real relationship and you automatically think, “Well it won’t be that way with me.” 

Sometimes women like a challenge. Perhaps you’ve thought, “I’ll get him – wait till he sees how good things are with me.”

Perhaps you are naturally attracted to resistance. The more resistant a man is, the more you want him.  The more he withdraws, the more you push forward to understand and entice him. You try to pull it out of him and figure things out so you can get the relationship back on track, the way it was when things felt really good.

As your dating coach, I want to be truthful with you. It’s my mission to  help you find the love you want and deserve.
So here goes…the unavailable man is just that – UNAVAILABLE. The more you chase him, the more he is likely to withdraw. Things won’t magically get better when he falls for you because he might not be capable of that much intimacy.

I know this is sad to hear, but I hate to see you waste time on this guy.

Once in a while the unavailable man does push himself to be more available. Occasionally he might work on himself, go to therapy, stretch beyond his comfort zone to fall in love and want the relationship to progress. The best way to have this happen is not to initiate anything with him. Let him lead, even more so than with most men.

He will not and cannot get invested in you if you do any of the courtship work. He has to want you enough to call you, set up dates, and spend time with you. If you do the work for him, he may never experience enough desire to get the motivation he needs to step up emotionally.

Whether or not you choose to work with me as your dating coach, I want to encourage you not to spend too much time with a man who doesn’t contact and see you consistently. If you see a man once a week or less over a few months and his contact is sporadic, or he came on strong at first but then backs off, you’ve probably got an emotionally unavialble man.

Give him a chance yes. But if he doesn’t move things forward, if your relationship does not progress, be brave. Take the first step to move on and look for a man who is ready for a healthy, loving relationship – the one that you deserve.

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This client has been emailing me like crazy, yet doesn’t have time to  talk on the phone. Hmmm. I find that confusing because it takes longer to type than talk. (Or maybe that’s just my typing skills.) The point is, this client is not only taking up my time literally with this flurry of email activity, but emotionally as well. Occupying a tremendous amount of space. Ever get into this spot?

When you have issues in relationship, do you respect boundaries or inject yourself into every nook and cranny of your partner’s space? Or is your partner the one who doesn’t respect your boundaries? This boundary stuff can be very taxing. It sometimes feels very hard to clearly define your space. How do you know where and when to draw the line?

Women usually want to be nice and have people like them. These desires can make it even harder to be firm and maintain boundaries. Boundaries are your personal limits in your relationships regarding time, space, information, emotions, etc. When you have strong boundaries, people tend not to take advantage of your good nature.

My client has not been respecting my boundaries. Yesterday I received more than 10 emails, some angry, some demanding, some short, some lengthy. To me, this felt like a barrage of communication. At 10:30pm last night, I got over being nice. I responded to one of the emails, expressing that I am trying to help, but being attacked by emails – content and volume, was very upsetting. And that the author should think back to a time when their own work wasn’t valued and remember how that feels…

It was SO scary to do this. It was hard to press the enter button and send that email. But my boundaries were being battered and I needed to stand up for myself. So I did. Then I had to try to sleep. Ha!

This morning I awoke from a dream that I had gone to some one’s home who had several dogs. I am afraid of dogs. There were many different kinds from fluffy friendly-looking to German Shepherd. I was talking to the owner and the dogs became unruly, then started to attack me. They were biting me, mostly from behind. Interesting symbology there…

I was frantic and begged the owner to call the dogs off. Nothing. I appealed to the owner’s sense of reasonableness, “Can’t you please call the dogs off?” Next I screamed, “What is wrong with you?”

To understand the next part, it will help if you’ve seen the TV show, the Dog Whisperer with Caesar. He is a total magician with problem dogs. Some how he simply makes this shushing noise at the dogs and waves his hand at them. They are silenced in their tracks, sit and behave.

Well, that’s exactly what I did in my dream. I took command of the situation. I used Caesar’s  hand signal with the dogs, said shush! in the same abrupt manner that he does, and the dogs stopped biting me and sat down. Boom, just like that. Then I woke up.

First thing, I dragged myself to look at email. In it was a note from my client, apologizing for the emails and insisting that the intention was not to be attacking or upsetting. Maybe today will be easier. It seems my email worked like Caesar’s dog shushing with this client. I had taken command of the situation with my email, pointing out the client’s unacceptable behavior.

Standing up for yourself in any relationship, business, dating, or friendship, is very important and crucial to maintain your self esteem and self worth. It is NOT easy to do. But it is very necessary, completely possible and quite rewarding. If you feel attacked, if someone has crossed your boundaries, do what you can to reset them.

If you have never established any boundries, it’s not too late to start. Once you draw the line with a bully or a well meaning partner who is overwrought for the moment, and stand up for yourself, chances are extremely high the person will back down and an opportunity for order will open up. 

Push through your resistance and fear and take care of yourself. You deserve to have your back watched, even if you have to do it yourself. I highly recommend it.

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Kathryn Lord - Find-a-Sweetheart

Glad you’re back to read the Valentine’s Day Blog-a-thon on day 6! Today’s guest dating blogger is Kathryn Lord who met her husband Drew online in 1998. A mental health professional for 34 years, she now works with singles as a Romance Coach, helping  them find love find love using Internet dating sites.  You can find her at www.Find-a-Sweetheart.com

Rejection: Better than You Could Possibly Imagine

Just about everybody worries about rejection, particularly in dating situations.  None of us like hearing “no” when it comes to something we want.  Yet, we hear “no” all the time in our everyday lives and manage to live through it.  Why does hearing “no” from someone we are attracted to hurt so much?  And can we change that?

The hurt we feel from “no’s” stems from our very beginnings.  As infants, we felt perfect and powerful.  Only with time and the civilizing attempts from our parents did we realize that we do not always get what we want.  But our infant selves retain that feeling of total power, and understand (faultily) that if we don’t get what we want, there must be something wrong – with us.  So when we hear a “no,” we get a double insult to our egos: we don’t get what we want, and it is our fault.  It’s not true, but that’s the way our childlike selves understand the rejection.

What is true is that we are busy rejection people all the time.  It’s all a matter of taste and preference. We reject 99.99% of possible mates without even thinking about it: they are too tall, too short, to fat or too skinny, the wrong color, religion, or political party, too poor or too rich, not well educated enough or too smart for their own good.  And everyone else is busy rejecting 99.99% of others, too.  Then we get overly focused on the .01% that do interest us, then devastated if the interest is not returned. 

But when you think about it, it is pretty arrogant to think that the .01% of folks we do honor with our attention will, of course, be equally interested in us.  Some probably will, maybe 10% of the .01%, but by no mean will all.  The sweet spot is the overlap: those you like who also happen to like you. 

Since so very few people fall into the “Sweet Spot” of mutual attraction, it is to your distinct advantage to know as soon as possible whether anyone you are interested in is also interested in you.  You do not want to waste your time, nor do you want to waste theirs.  Rejection needs to be WELCOMED, because it is information you need so that you will not waste time and energy – and money – on a lost cause.  Better that you use your resources to find someone whose feelings of attraction are mutual.

How to Minimize the Pain of Rejection by Kathryn Lord

Here’s what to do to minimize the pain:

1. Do not let yourself “fall in love” with any one profile or person before you establish that they are equally interested in you.
2. Develop a long favorites list and send out first emails of introduction in bunches of 5 or so, again, to protect yourself from getting to focused on any one at this point.
3. When you get a “no” or a non answered email, welcome the quick answer and move on to the next person on your list. 
4. Learn to essentially ignore those who are not interested in you, just as you ignore all whom you are not interested in either. 
5. Remember, that as personal as this process feels, it is NOT PERSONAL.

To learn more about Kathryn , visit  www.Find-a-Sweetheart.com

To read any of the previosu Dating Expert Blog-a-thon posts, click below:

Day #1  Love is in the Air and Its All about You  by Marla Martenson
Day #2 Fall in Love on Valentine’s Day with Yourself by Bobbi Palmer
Day #3 The Love You Take is Equal to the Love You Makeby Terry Hernon MacDonald
Day #4  Single? 5 Tips to Get You Noticed this Valentine’s Day by Paige Parker
Day #5 Sing Your Own Love Song this Valentine’s Day by Ronnie Ann Ryan

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Don’t Nurse an Emotionally Wounded man

Last night was the first of six sessions for the 90 Day Challenge. What a great group of women! We are on for a fun challenge in which participants will get inspired, improve their skills, build confidence and meet at least 50 men!

Naturally in the first session, we dealt with what is holding them back from meeting men right now. The answers were varied and each one makes a wonderful blog topic. So this week I’ll see how many concerns I can address about getting out there to meet new men

1. There’s a Lot of Wounded Men – How Do I Reach Out to Them and Bridge the Gap?

This is a real concern. contrary to how we women might like to think of ourselves as  a gender, many women break hearts and wreak havoc on a man’s psyche. It happens more than you might think. And the men are left wounded, scared of women and hyper-cautious about dating and getting involved again.

You may have a soft spot in your heart for the wounded man and compassion for what he has gone through. You might identify with his pain, having experienced that yourself as well. Its understandable. And empathy is a wonderful quality. But please, DON’T BECOME HIS FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE.

I’ve heard too many stories of women who helped men through their emotional traumas and upon recovery, the men move on to find a new woman. Why does this infuriating thing happen so often? Why don’t the men feel obligated to stay with the one who helped them?

Here’s my way of looking at it. Men don’t like to appear vulnerable. So the fact that they were vulnerable with you, so  raw and open that you saw them at their worst. Sniveling, crying, whimpering. Not the image any man wants to cultivate. But he lets it all hang out with you. And now that he’s better – YOU REMIND HIM OF HIS WEAKNESS. A man once healed makes a speedy exit stage left to a woman who doesn’t know a thing about that embarrassing past.

Yup. That’s the reward you will likely get for holding his hand through the dark nights. I can sort of see it from his point-of-view. My advice as a dating coach for women dating over 40 and dating after divorce – don’t bother with a wounded man. It’s sad, yes. But what do you want in a relationship? A needy man who will fly once you nurse him back to emotional fortitude? Or a healthy, confident man who can stand on his own and is relationship ready? That should be an easy one!

Leave those sad puppies for women less informed, less savvy, and less aware of the dangers. When a man tells you his sob story on the first date, he ‘s not showing you how emotionally open he is, he’s exposing his deep emotional wounds and neediness. Run, don’t walk. You deserve a balanced, healthy, confident man who knows what he wants and isn’t lost waiting for a woman to show him the way.

I don’t begrudge these men believe me. I feel for them. I have empathy. I have a heart, trust me. But these men need therapy and friendships and self love, not your love. In other words , as the question was asked – there isn’t a way to bridge the gap to reach those wounded men.

Wounded men need to heal and then cross the bridge on their own into relationship readiness. And when they do – by all means, flirt with them and win them over for a lasting, healthy loving relationship you want and deserve.

Photo Credit: Gem66

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