Finding Love Out on a Limb

As a dating coach, I sometimes get coaching from other coaches. I learn a lot that way. And one thing I learned recently that made a big impression is from Fabienne Fredrickson. She pointed out what I can now see as a glaring truth. I hope you see it this way too. No matter how you apply this concept – from dating, to business, to weight loss, to whatever goal you have, it seems to be true.

Here is what she said with my paraphrasing:

When you are committed to your goal, you do whatever it takes to make it happen. However, when you are interested in your goal, you do whatever is convenient.

Wow, I’m not sure what you think about that, but I am so struck by its truth. Let me explain how this applies to dating as your dating coach for women over 40. When you are committed, you will push yourself. You will try new ways to meet men. You will go to new groups. You will get out there on a regular basis to mingle with the opposite sex.

On the other hand, when you are interested in finding love, you will do what is convenient. So if you are tired, you won’t keep your commitment to go out. You won’t stretch past your comfort zone to try new things. You’ll allow yourself to have excuses why you can’t follow through or don’t really have to. And chances are strong that you will not find the love you want.

All goals that you want to manifest, require commitment to achieve them. That’s just the way life works. Dating and finding love are absolutely no different.

So which one are you? Committed to do whatever it takes to find love with an amazing man? Or are you interested and willing to do only what is convenient? What is comfortable and familiar?

Now, if what you are doing right now is working – that’s great! But if what you are doing currently is not producing the results you want, and you keep doing only that – what are the chances that it will suddenly work and bring you the love you want?

I’m not chastising you or giving you a hard time. I’m just hoping to shake things up for you. Because when you get committed and stretch to try new things – then you will do what it takes to make finding love a reality for yourself. And that is exactly what I want for you.

Love is not likely to be found in your comfort zone. It’s like Shirley MacClaine says – the sweetest fruit is out on a limb. Reach for it and enjoy it.

So to Fabienne and Shirley – thank you for pushing us, cheering us on and encouraging us to get committed to doing whatever it takes to get what we want.

Photo Credit: WhiteCat sg

Online Dating Tips

I just recorded a podcast interview with eHealth Radio about online dating. In it I share some of my choicest secrets about how to get the attention you want online. The way to have success with online dating is not as obvious as you would think. There are definitely tricks to it that can help you connect with more prospects so you can find “The One” easier and faster.

The interview is just shy of 15 minutes, so in a quarter of an hour of listening pleasure, you’ll be so much smarter about online dating. As your dating coach, I want you to find love. I want to be there to help you date smarter and get through the process as quickly as possible without the usual heartache if at all possible.

Here’s a list of the questions I’ll be answering:

• Why is dating part of a healthy lifestyle?
• Is online dating really worthwhile? Can you really find good people to date on the web?
• What are some of the Pros and Cons of Online Dating?What are a few Cons or drawbacks?
• What about safety? Are there a lot of scammers and players?
• What makes a good profile?
• Can you give listeners a few tips for what to  avoid in their profile?
• Do you know of any real live cases of people who met on line and married?

I hope you enjoy it and apply these tips right away to your online dating efforts.

Click here to listen now.

dating advice for widows

Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach,

My husband died two years ago and I still miss him every day. But, I’m starting to want male companionship again and feel ready to date. I’m 78 and want to share my life again with someone special. Last week I went out with a nice man. We had a good time at dinner. He was pleasant, easy to talk to and handsome.

He did ask about my wedding rings which surprised me to tell you the truth. I still wear my engagement diamond and wedding band. He asked me if I was really ready to date? I responded yes but wasn’t sure what that was all about.

What do you think it means?

Widow in Wilshire

Dear WW,

I have to admit, I want to ask you the very same question. Are you sure you are ready to move on? Have you done enough grieving and gone through all the stages of grief? The reason I ask and why your date might have asked is because you are clearly attached to those rings.  They mark you as a married woman. They symbolize that you have given your heart to another.

Now, I want to say this as carefully as I can…you know that you are no longer married to your husband because he is no longer with us on the earth plane right? So, if you continue to wear them as you do, you most definitely send the message that your heart is still taken. Which is completely fine and to be expected. And it does sound true to me about how you feel.

But that also means you probably aren’t quite ready yet. Even if you aren’t ready to give up the rings completely there are other ways. For example, you could have your engagement ring reset to wear as a right hand ring or as a pendant.

You’ll know your heart is ready and you are open to a new man when you can take off your wedding band and place it in the security of your jewelry box. No one says you have to get rid of it, but wearing your wedding set while trying to date sends mixed messages to the men you meet.

Its good that you are getting back out there to meet new people. Maybe there is an intermediary step where you just make new friends rather than dating. That takes the pressure off so you can relax and not worry about what anything means. You can simply rejuvenate your social life and get back into the swing of things.

No one can replace your husband. But when you are ready to open your heart to love again, you know that meeting the right man will enrich your life in a new way.

Wishing you love,

Ronnie

Photo Credit: ilovebutter

Short First Dates

As a dating coach for women over 40, I believe in having fun! But, I also believe in using your head and applying sound strategies to your dating activities. That’s what will help you get the best results – finding the right man for you for a lasting loving relationship. so please understand I am not a spoil sport or trying to dampen your fun. I have only the best intentions for you with my advice.

Here are five key reasons why you want your first date to be short and sweet:

1. A short first date like coffee or a glass of wine makes it easy for you to escape should he not measure up. That’s why, if yo meet a guy online and he asks you to dinner for a first date, redirect him to something quicker. What’s worse than eating a meal with a man who is boring, insulting, uninteresting or inappropriate? Don’t do it! Keep it short.

2. A long first date can create a false sense of intimacy and sometimes leads to first-date sex. Well its not the end of the world, but it does cloud your ability to remain objective as you collect more information and learn about the man you are dating.

In addition, you never know if the guy will get an attitude about you sleeping with him so quickly – some men do still think this way. Others won’t care at all – but how you can tell after just one date which kind of guy he’ll be? That’s why its best to hold out for a while before you sleep with a guy. Never mind your emotional reaction if he never calls again or the health risks.

3. On a long first date you may “over share”. You could start telling stories about yourself best left until he gets to know and like you better. Once a man has formed an opinion of you, it’s safer to share the more private details of your life. The stories where you don’t always look your best such breakups, work stories or other things that have happened that could cast a shadow if told too soon.

Remember, people need to earn your trust before you let it “all hang out.”

4. Shorter dates cost less. This is a service to men who feel they should be the one paying for the date (hip hip hooray for these guys!) So when you have one cup of coffee or one glass of wine, the bill doesn’t add up to very much. And you don’t need to have any feelings of obligation because he spent a lot of money (which you shouldn’t have anyway, but sometimes do).

It also takes the pressure off that awkward point where he may feel pressured to ask if you are hungry. Avoid the whole thing and let him know it was fun, but you have to get going.

5. A short first date let’s you leave him wanting MORE. You want to have a little bit of mystery about you if you share everything up front – what will you talk about next time? But if you haven’t covered everything, he’ll get curious about what makes you tick and want to see you again.

This worked like a charm on my husband during our first date. It prompted him to ask when he could see me again!

Keep that first date short and hopefully it will lead to more dates. But at the very least you’ll waste less time on men who don’t ask you out again or that you’d never want to see again.

Running From Your Aggressive Moves

Here’s a little secret I don’t tell everybody…I have some male dating coaching clients for as well. I love coaching men because I learn so much about how they think to share with all of you!

Recently, my client Ken told me about a woman he just met online. The first date on a Saturday night and lasted for about six hours and went very well. Ken found her to be a lot of fun to talk to and really enjoyed her company.  (Ken and I have some work to do because first dates should never last this long.)

Let me share background on Ken. He is a good looking guy in his 50′s. He’s practical, down-to-earth and easy to talk to.  This is a man who has done his healing after divorce and wants a long-term, loving, relationship with the right woman.

Since he liked Sandra a lot, he made a second date at the end of the first. He suggested getting together a week later on Sunday night which Sandra was happy to accept.

Now, this is where the story gets bumpy. Apparently Sandra is very hot on Ken. Is she managing her enthusiasm and letting the man lead during the initial courtship. Nope! Sandra made a series of what I call “Fatal Errors” that make her appear over eager or potentially desperate:

1. Don’t call men in the beginning
She couldn’t wait the eight days for the second date that Ken set up. So she took matters into her own hands and called him.

2. Don’t pursue men. Let them ask you out so you know they are interested.
While Sandra had Ken on the phone, she asked him out for Thursday night, creating her own second date. Ken’s a nice guy and frankly felt flattered. So he agreed to meet her Thursday.

3. Don’t buy them gifts!
When Ken arrived at the designated meeting place for date two, Sandra had not one but two gifts for him. They had talked about favorite books and wine, so she bought him one of each.

4. Don’t have marathon dates.
There is some driving distance between where Sandra and Ken live, so the dates have been longer than usual. Date two was also more than six hours.

You may think I am over reacting but I assure you that I AM NOT. This is what Ken said to me after the second date.

“Well now I have my third date in a week coming up. I’m not sure I want to spend that much time with her so quickly. She bought me gifts you know. Why did she do that? I mean it was nice and all but I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t have anything to give her. It was awkward. I was flattered that she called and asked me out and I had a good time, but now it feels like too much to be seeing her again so soon. I just started dating online and want to meet other women, so now what do I do?”

In truth, Ken played a role in some of these mistakes.
– He didn’t keep the first date short.
– He accepted her date request rather than waiting.
– He didn’t go slow at first to avoid letting things get serious too quickly.

For Women, Please Hang Back and Let the Man Lead – You Can’t Go Wrong
Regardless of the mistakes Ken made, it’s your job as a woman to manage some of the dating mechanics. Please manage your enthusiasm so you don’t appear over anxious or worse desperate. Don’t call men, try to speed things up or ask them out on dates in the beginning. And don’t buy them gifts for any reason unless it’s a birthday, then get a token gift.

Wait to see what a man will do of his own accord to win you over. If you do not do this, you lose the only advantage you have to observe his behavior and collect information about how interested he really is in you.

What Seems Like A Nice Thing Can Have a Negative Impact on His Masculine Ego
And the risk is HUGE because you could make the guy uncomfortable or worse cause him to feel unsettled and look elsewhere for women who make him feel good about his masculine energy. That’s the problem!

If you chase him, call him, ask him out and buy him gifts, you are USURPING HIS MASCULINE ENERGY. This will never help him feel good about you so DON’T DO IT!

Learn from Sandra and don’t make these aggressive fatal errors. You want a good man to grow more attracted to you. Give him the space and time to pursue you and get invested in you. Your efforts to let him lead will usually be rewarded. But at the very least, you won’t send men away suspicious and worried that you like him too much too quickly – like the movie Fatal Attraction.

Write a Good Online Dating Profile

One of my over 40 dating coaching clients sent me a guy’s profile she found online. My abs hurt so bad from laughing vigorously. I have cut out some stuff out to help keep his identity anonymous, but you’ll get the idea.

“I’m not looking for marriage or anything too long term. I’m looking for a friend to hang out with and have fun. Someone who is not looking for Mr. Perfect. He DOESN’T NOT EXIST! And I am not him. I make decent money at my job but am not into saving as I have no reason to save it. I live one day at a time and week to week. I don’t play games and I am honest. I like to drink but not to get drunk. Well sometimes I do it to get drunk. So that’s me in a simple bowl of life, not cherries.  Take a chance and try something different. You can’t always get what you want. Drop me a line if you are interested. I don’t wear suits or ties. Fashion don’t mean diddly squat to me. I’m real and fun and plan on staying that way.” 

Let me start by asking you to take a deep breath and stop laughing so hard. I found this read like a script from a bad TV sitcom. Often real life is funnier than the popular sitcoms because this profile is simply too much! I’ll break  it down for you below.

1. I do think the guy is honest – after all he admitted he does drink to get drunk so that takes honesty and guts right?

2. Right up front he tells you his philosophy about money – he doesn’t believe in saving – that sounds pretty honest

3. He tells you that he’s not into fashion and says he’s real. Sounds like another piece of honesty.

Honesty does not improve your profile

Given these three points above, can you see how honesty doesn’t help you write a good profile? Not at all! In fact, in this case, its quite the opposite.You need an edit function rather than putting it all on the table and letting the chips fall where they may!

How can I help this guy turn his profile around? Here are some important tips. You might want to read them, then review your own profile to see if you have made any of these errors and change them to serve you better.

1. Present the best you no matter what your alter ego says

I’m not talking about being dishonest at all. I am a huge fan of honesty. But I also believe there is such a thing as being too honest. What I am saying is that you will be far more attractive if you present yourself at your best. Just like at a job interview, you wouldn’t talk about how tired you are even if you are exhausted.

So, for example, saying he is real and plans on staying that way is a cool thing to say. Saying, “fashion don’t mean diddly squat” is poor English and negative about fashion. He could have said, “I’m down to earth and a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy.”

2. Don’t talk about what you don’t want – just focus on what you DO want.

First sentence out the door our friend states that he doesn’t want marriage or anything too long term. This is another case of too much honesty. He would have been much better off simply leading with his second sentence – “I’m looking for a friend to hang out with and have fun.” You wouldn’t have thought anything bad if he had said only this right? Explain what you do want and leave out what you don’t want – its a great rule of thumb to keep your profile interesting and upbeat.

Another huge blooper is the part about not being Mr. Perfect.Well that’s perfectly apparent. All he has done be putting this comment into his profile is let you know he’s got a chip on his shoulder based on women who didn’t feel he met their standards.

3. Too much information sends out red flags

He tells you he likes to drink but doesn’t get drunk – then he immediately negates that by saying he does get drunk. If he had left if at his being a “social drinker” you would have been fine with that too. When in doubt inf you are saying too much, the answer is almost always going to be “Yes”. When in doubt, just leave stuff out!

4. Close the deal

As a man, its his job to close the deal. So asking women readers to drop him a line if interested is a great thing. However, this line should have been left until the end to be most effective. As women, please don’t include this step. A man already knows to contact you if he’s interested. It’s not only unnecessary, but risks sending a signal of desperation.

Now as an online dating expert, I’m going to rewrite this blurb here, so you can all see how to turn things around in your own profile.

“I’m looking for a friend to hang out and have fun with. Someone who is looking for a decent, honest and real guy who knows who he is and is comfortable in his own skin.  I make a decent living and have the money to enjoy my life. I’d like to share that enjoyment with someone special. I’m not a big planner and tend to live more spontaneously. I’m down- to-earth, and a jeans and t-shirt type of guy, but you can get me to dress up once in a while for something special. I am a social person and a social drinker. So that’s me in a simple bowl of life, cherries and all.  Take a chance and try something different.  Drop me a line if you are interested.”

 

I bet if you are seeking a real, honest guy who is down-to-earth, you’d consider him now right?

Positioning is everything. Follow these four, very simple steps to improve your profile and improve your chances of finding love online. If you want help with your profile, contact me here

Photo Credit: Carol Wallis

Dinner after Jimmy and Gloria's Wedding

The story of how my parents got married always makes me smile every time it comes to mind. Not your every day type of proposal by any means. But first let me give you some background. Today would have been Gloria and Jimmy’s 61st wedding anniversary. He passed away in the middle of April and my Mom has said many times that she thinks my Dad’s timing was a bit off. In any case here’s the story.

My Dad was a bit of a player. He had tried to enlist several times to be part of the World War II troops, but was not accepted. That left my father free to be one of the few single young men in his home town and I heard many stories about all his dates. He had a friend Herbie that he palled around with and they sometimes had more than one date per weekend night. They felt it was their “duty” to entertain the women at home while the other men were away fighting for our freedom. Ha ha ha.

Time passed, the war ended, but my Dad was still a hot ticket. My Mom met my Dad through her friend Evie who was seeing my uncle Gay (Dad’s brother) They all went to a dance. Gloria and Jim dated on and off for over two years in the late 40′s. My mom said Jim didn’t seem very interested in getting married.

At one point she was frustrated with her job and her man, so she went on vacation with my grandmother for two weeks. They were in Miami and having such a good time, Gloria decided to stay longer. She quit her job.  She met and dated many eligible bachelors and thoroughly enjoyed herself. Before she knew it, two weeks had stretch into two months! However, none of those men captured her heart like Jimmy had.

Finally it was time to return home to Connecticut and not long after she got back, my dad was buzzing the front door intercom of her apartment building. He said something like, “You’re finally back.” Gloria replied “Yes.” Jim asked, “Do you want to get married?” Gloria responded to Jimmy by saying “Yes.” Jimmy said, “Then come on downstairs and we’ll drive to Maryland right now and get married there (no waiting period for the marriage license.)

My Mom was quite surprised by this turn of events. Apparently absence does make the heart grow fonder. She looked at my grandmother wondering what to do. My grandmother gave her the nod to go.

Gloria threw some things in a bag and went off to elope with Jim. She told me that so many people told her it would never work out. “He’s not the marriage type,” they said. But my mom told me she didn’t care how long it would last. She loved him like crazy and would take the risk. They were quite a couple in love and devoted to each other right to the end when he passed on April 17th.

At the funeral service, my Mom spoke about what a great husband Jim had been. He wasn’t big on saying I love you or remembering birthdays. But in her words “He showered me with gold and diamonds, travel, parties, and unwavering love and support” through their nearly 61 years.

Real love is out there, and even if you can’t have 60 years with someone, whatever time you can share can be so enriching to your life. I hope you will consider Jimmy and Gloria’s story and do what you can to find that kind of committed love for yourself. I found committed and enriching love after 40, which is why I know you can do it to. (My 12th wedding anniversary is tomorrow May 5th)

Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad.

Everyone seems to be talking about it. The book even made the cover of Newsweek magazine. It’s rocketed to the top of the NY Times Best Sellers List. Some people say its not well written at all. Others say it reads like a fraternity boy wrote it. An awful lot of women don’t seem to mind. They want to read this hot trilogy of novels anyway.

What’s the big attraction for women in any relationships status -  married, in relationship or single?

1. Heavy fantasy

2. Sexy content

3. Distraction from every day life

4. The chance to let go of being in charge

5. Anything else?

I say yes, there is more to it. This is what I think. Women still want romance. You crave it. You long for it. You dream about it. You fantasize about it. And these novels are perfect to satisfy that craving.

Is that a bad thing? Of course not! Revving up desire is a fabulous way to feel alive. That desire makes you far more attractive to the men in your life  – or to attract men into your life. Strong desire keeps you feeling young, vibrant and to tell the truth, desirable.

Yet, if you are a single woman who has this desire for love with the right man for you, the real question is:

What are you doing if anything, to make it come true?

Is it enough to desire love? Do you really just want to read about it in books like Fifty Shades of Grey? Not really. If you are a single woman who wants love in your life, there isn’t any magic incantation that will instantly bring your prince to you. Nope, you have to DO SOMETHING to make the connection. If nothing else, you have to do something to help the right man find you!

What can you do to find love this summer?

Here’s a quick list of options to get your actions aligned with your desire and improve your chances of finding an amazing man and the love you want:

1. Amp up your feminine charm by getting a new hairstyle or a makeover
2. Buy some new clothes that are date-worthy and make you feel sexy and fabulous
3. Purchase new underwear that is sexy, yet comfy. It will be your secret, but you’ll appear more attractive since you ‘ll feel more attractive
4. Start smiling more at people who walk by or men who catch your eye
5. Say hello to people on the street
6. Imagine a tiny fire burning within you just below your navel. This is the fire of creation so let it burn baby.
7. Hold your head high and remember how awesome you are!

Finding love is really up to you. But, I can definitely help. On Monday, May 7th, I’ll be running a FREE teleclass – How to Find Love this Summer!

In this fun, one-hour program, you’ll discover many helpful suggestions to find love this summer:

• 50 ways to meet more men
• How to notice more men all around you
• Easy ways to flirt that you can try right away
• How to talk to any man you want
• How to appear more open and approachable

The best part? I’m giving away these secrets for FR.EE. Yup, it’s true. Register now for next Monday’s teleclass. Honestly, what do you have to lose? What’s the worst thing that can happen? You might miss an hour of reruns on TV.

Register here and discover how you can find love this summer.

I can’t wait to share all the details on May 7th.

Wishing you love This Summer!

Ronnie

May 7th Teleclass

Have you been dreaming of a summer romance? Can you imagine finding “The One” and having someone special to watch Fourth of July Fireworks with? Do you miss having a man’s arms wrapped around you in a passionate embrace?

In this special summer Free Teleclass, you’ll discover:

1. The best places to meet quality men
2. More than 50 ways to meet single men
3. How to set your awareness to notice more men every where you go
4. How to get men to approach you and strike up a conversation

Plus, you’ll get the one key piece of proven strategy you need as a single midlife woman to make it all work for you this summer. This teleclass is an introduction to the Operation Find Him Now Program which is Group Coaching for Women Ready for Action. It’s going to rock your dating world and dramatically improve your chances of finding The One” this summer so don’t miss this one!

It’s absolutely FREE!

Monday, May 7^th from 8-9pm edt

 Just complete the form below to Register

Your email is completely safe with me. I’ll never sell it or share it with anyone!

Untangling Early Communication with Your New Man

This is a Question and Answer exchange with a Dating Coaching Client that offers insights into several situations that often come up when dating. My client’s questions are in pink and my answers follow.

“You mentioned that men need to feel needed.  I am very self sufficient and initially I don’t know how to come across to let them feel needed.?  How do I do that?”

All you have to do is not make a man feel “un-needed” by going on and on about how independent and self sufficient you. Nothing wrong with being either, just don’t rub it in a man’s face being so proud of yourself.

“I went out for a walk with a man from  Match.com and he told me that his old girl friend was looking for someone who made a lot of money because she felt that he should pay for dinners since they were in a committed  relationship.  I feel that same way as she does.  I want him to pay for dinners when we go out.  I don’t have a problem making him meals at my house, but when we go out for dinner I want my date to pay.  What should I do?”

You have two choices. You can decide he’s probably not the right guy for you since he doesn’t have the same views on handling  money as you do. Or you can talk to him about your philosophy – that even in relationship you want to feel like you are on a date. When he pays, it helps you feel special and cherished. As the woman, let him know you will contribute in other ways to balance things out – like cook for him or whatever else you plan to do.

Tell him you see this as a partnership in which both people will feel appreciated. You can even ask him what helps him feel appreciated. And you could offer to pay once in awhile if that makes him happy.

Then see what he says to you in response – he may decide you aren’t the one for him. He may try things your way. Or he may share his viewpoint – then you can decide your next step.

“I also went out with another Match man twice last week.  He said he had a nice time and wanted to see me this weekend. He mentioned Friday and Saturday, but he said that his job is really busy because he has to work for a hospital.   As of today, I haven’t heard from him so I text him today and said “What’s up? Give me a call. ” I didn’t  know what to do, so I am just waiting, but it doesn’t  look good.”

Next time just go ahead and make plans if you haven’t heard from a man you are dating by Wednesday/Thursday. When and if he does call, you will be busy with your own fun life.

You can say to him, “Oh I already made plans but I’m free on Sunday” – or whatever your next opening is. That way you set up and maintain healthy boundaries and help him understand that he needs to call in advance to give you some notice. Plus, now you have your own plans to enjoy if he never does call which does happen.

Providing him with the positive feedback that you’d like to see him and telling him when you are available, sets the rules for dating you without spelling them out directly. It’s a positive way to make sure he knows you are interested in him as well, even though you have your own full life.

In this day and age of dating, independent women tend to think they can just be direct and honest with a guy. Some women tell me they just want to “lay it all out there”. But as your dating coach, I strongly encourage you NOT TO DO THIS.

Once you are in a relationship – of course you can be more direct and honest. But when you are just starting out, men have fragile egos. This makes the direct approach sometimes unpleasant, harsh, and simply unappealing. For so much of life, “presentation is everything” and in dating that goes double!

Photo Credit: Ells