This is an amazing opportunity! Even thought it can be difficult to create a social life after divorce, or when you are dating over 40, now there are no more excuses. With meetup.com there are plenty of events and places where you can go to meet new people and build your social life. You can meet other women, find a dating buddy and then attend some of the singles events together!

But, as I share with my dating coaching clients, building a better social life is so much more than where to go. Tonight I’ll be talking about a variety of topics like improving self-confidence, first impressions, charisma, conversation and how to be a more interesting person overall.

First Impressions
You size people up within minutes of meeting them, and usually a first impression is even faster. This is true for your social life, dating life and work life. What is this assessment based on? Style, posture, grooming, and body language! Let’s talk about each one separately.And don’t forget, other people are sizing you up too at the same time.

Style- do you have a style? Yes! Regardless of your intention, you have a style. You may not think you do or even care. But if that’s your point of view, that becomes your style and that’s what people see. There’s no getting around style whether you put thought and effort into your appearance or not. The solution? Make a conscious effort, even if it’s minimal! You might as well, since your style shows up any way and isn’t something you can possibly avoid.

Posture – Stand and sit up straight. Hold your head up. Don’t  look at the ground when you walk. Your posture and how you carry yourself  is a big part of body language. Send a message you feel good about yourself and hold your head up high.

Grooming- People who care about themselves, take good care of themselves. Grooming is the evidence. From your hair and make up, to your nails and skin, women who value themselves take care of themselves. This isn’t about being girly or fussing. Instead, good grooming is just making sure everything is in place and you look the best you can.

There’s no need to go over board – you decide how far you want to take it. However, when you don’t take this step, something as simple as combing your hair before running to the store, you are bound to see someone when you aren’t looking your best. Doesn’t it always happen that way? And that makes you want to  hide!

Body Language- How you move and hold yourself is a reflection of how you feel about yourself inside. while people can fool lie detectors, it’s been said that body language experts cannot be fooled. What does that mean? It points to the importance of self-esteem and feeling good about yourself. I always say that 80% of your beauty is based on how you feel about yourself. Your confidence shows through and makes you so much more attractive.

Tips for friendly, confident body language:
- Posture – as said above stand up straight!
- Don’t cross your arms – makes you look cut off from others
- Don’t look down, keep chin parallel with the floor
- Make eye contact and smile to look friendly

Watch for more on building a better social life tomorrow

The Bumpkin
Somehow, this young, good looking Christian guy from Indiana (was it?) came to Patti for help finding a good match. Seems hard to believe he couldn’t find love with the help of his 50 relatives in his own backyard on the farm…Maybe its a small town. What do you want from a guy who says Pizza Hut is his favorite restaurant? He was pretty cute though.

The good news about Trevor is that he really listened to Patti’s advice and managed to select Patti’s two picks for his mini-dates. Then he went with the traditional blonde country girl for his big date at the 1-800 Flower farm. Nice setting but, uh, is Patti getting a bit commercial? Well, might as well make hay while the sun shines – that’s what they say down on the farm.

The Bisexual
Tricia is divorced and curious about dating a woman. She did have one experience in her past and thought it might be a good way to go after her husband of ten years cheated on her. Patti wasn’t totally convinced but went with the flow to provide what her client desired. At one point during the mixer, both Tricia and Trevor were talking to the same woman – that was a hoot!

After selecting the cutest macho woman out of the bunch, Tricia and her date went roller skating together, followed by dinner. There was some voice over in which Tricia admitted she wished her date had been more aggressive, so I wasn’t surprised when she told Stanger during the debriefing, that she  prefers men.

Big Surprise – Patti’s Past Comes Out
Today, when I visited the Bravo site, I saw there were a bunch of new video clips from the show and one of them had been edited out from the show. There it was on the web – Patti admitting her own adventure as a bi-curious woman. Just once she says…She much prefers the staff!

It’s always something on the Millionaire Matchmaker!

I really appreciate Patti’s no nonsense approach with her clients and how she tells them like it is. When I speak with my matchmaker friends, they laugh saying if they ever spoke to clients like that – they’d have no clients! That wouldn’t work so well with some of my dating coaching clients either. Maybe when I get rich and famous like Patti Stanger….

Too Busy to See You?

Dear Ronnie, The Dating Coach,

I’m a single lady and already 28. Well my problem is that I’m afraid that I won’t ever find the right guy to marry. Wanted to be married when I’ve turned 27 years last year in January 2009, but unfortunately that was just a dream that has gone into shatters.

Before I dated someone for 8 years and we broke up. To me it feels like time I’ve wasted! I’m dating someone really charming now and he is older than me. He was married, but now divorced for many years now. The only problem is that he doesn’t have enough time because he is always busy. To tell you the truth we were together in the middle of February, but we are living in one town and only 15 minutes drive away from each other. I don’t know what to make of this.

Can you please help me – am I making a fool of myself to believe that we will be together?
Foolish in Florida

Hello Ms. Florida,

I know this might be tough to hear, but I’m sorry to say from my experience, if a man lives 15 minutes away, but doesn’t have time to see you, he probably isn’t serious about you. Yes, people are busy, but everyone makes time for what is most important to them. Of course I don’t have all the details, yet my gut tells me this is not a good sign.

Perhaps work is the most important thing to your guy. Or he’s dating others. It’s hard to say why he doesn’t have the time, but in truth, that’s not what really matters. The fact that he doesn’t want to see you as much as you’d like to see him is the concern. Have you asked to see him more often? That might be worth a try, although I don’t hold out much hope in this situation.

However, I want to encourage you to be positive and don’t give up hope! You are only 28 and have plenty of time to find the right man.

Also, you didn’t waste time with your old boyfriend if you enjoyed the relationship and learned what works for you and what doesn’t. That is crucial life and relationship experience that makes you who you are today. You are wiser having lived through it.

I recommend getting out there to meet new men and better candidates. This is what I often tell my dating coaching clients. You can’t meet men if you stay home.

Next, think about how you’d like to be treated.  Make a list of behaviors that you want to avoid in future relationships. Then, if the men you date start to exhibit the any of these behaviors, you know that’s a red flag about not being treated well and will need to rethink who you are dating.

There are so many great men out there, especially at your age. Make a commitment to yourself for how many things you’ll do to meet men every week, put on a smile, dress up and become visible! Have fun out there. I know you can find “the one” for you. If you are active and open, your chances of finding the husband of your dreams are excellent!

Wishing you love,

Ronnie

Photo credit: AnitaCanita

Dating After Divorce

Yet, when you think about it,  saying “Yes” might actually have a tremendous impact for the better on your dating life. This is particularly true if you are prone to saying “No” which  happens more frequently when dating after divorce or dating over 40.  I ask my dating coaching clients:

What Might You Say “Yes” To?
– A blind date with a friend’s brother
– Posting a profile on match.com
– Meeting someone you connected with on a dating site
– Going to a singles dance with a friend or even solo
– Trying speed dating
– Talking to a good looking stranger at a bar
– Having a coffee date with a new man
– Practicing your flirting skills
– Finding the right man for you and falling in love

That’s a powerful list with loads of possibilities.

On the other hand, when you say “No”, you limit yourself drastically. Being discerning is appropriate and a smart. But limiting your opportunities consistently,  minimizes the potential to achieve your desires.  This is true of dating and life.

When you say “No”, you are literally keeping yourself single. That’s OK if you prefer your single status.  But if you want to find a loving partner, saying “No” on a regular basis doesn’t serve you.

Have You Ever Said “No” to Any of These Questions:

- Can I have your number or email?
– Would you like to meet me for a drink?
– Would you like to dance?

I have.  I’ll never forget when I was 24, I was with my friend Nancy and her boyfriend Scott playing pool and this nice guy started talking to me and joined our game. As we were leaving he asked for my number.  I didn’t know what to do.  Should I give him the number of not? My friends said not to and I felt torn. I left without divulging my digits.

To this day I wonder about him. We had similar interests and he was easy to talk to. He seemed like a nice guy and he was a carpenter so he could build and fix things. It was a crossroads in my life. There was an ember ready to build into a potentially nice fire, and I snuffed it out.

What about When You say “No” to Yourself?

- I hate those singles dance!
– I won’t date a man who is balding.
– Men who are more than 3 years older than me are out.
– He’s nice but not my type.
– Blind dates just aren’t my thing.

When you say “Yes”, you allow the Universe to help you meet your match. When you meet lots of men, the right man has a chance to cross your path. When you say “Yes” to situations and men, you are a pleasure to be with,  living more fully and believe that all this effort will pay off.

And it will! It worked for me. It’s worked for millions of women.

Just for Today, Catch Yourself When You Say “No”
Say “Yes” at least once when you want to say “No.” You can become a “Yes” person and you can find the love you want. People find love everyday.  Say “Yes” and you could be next!

Photo Credit: TeenNow

Check out these  two programs for March that should be a total blast!

Use the promotion code RONNIE to save $5 at either event

1) Cougar/Boy Toy Hunt on 3/23, 7pm
For women 35-55 and men 21-30
Read more and register here

2) Rescue Me -  NYC Fireman Singles Party
Age range is 25-45
Read more and regsiter here

Is it me or are singles programs getting more clever than ever? I hear Single and the City runs a very good event and lots of men sign up – not your average singles program with an imbalance at all. If you live in the area, check it out. Don’t wait until they are sold out – register today!

You know how that can feel. If you’ve been out there dating, chances are this thought has crossed your mind as well. And sometimes, you do meet a series of guys who just want to date around with no strings attached. It can be frustrating. I totally understand.

What’s getting in her way?

First:
Maddy only feels comfortable going to singles dances. She likes to dance and knows where the places are that host these events. As far as Maddy is concerned, she’s “all set” with how to meet men. But she wants to know how to meet men who want a serious commitment.

Second:
Maddy, who is 48 and has been divorced for three years, only wants to meet men who are 48-50 years old. That’s a pretty small age range. Regardless of the limitations that her desired age range creates, Maddy is unwilling to consider broadening her horizons.

The Problem
Maddy has a narrow approach and age range for the men she’ll consider. No wonder why she is having problems finding a good man!  The more you limit your dating, the smaller the dating pool to choose from! This isn’t rocket science.

Yet, I could tell Maddy there was no moving her on these ideas. She doesn’t like to drive at night and knowing where she’s going minimizers her night driving concerns. She doesn’t think it’s reasonable to date men younger  and the last thing she wants is to date  older men. So there we have it -  two big obstacles in Maddy’s dating path.

Want to know the single biggest obstacle to Maddy’s dating karma? Maddy herself. Yup, that’s right. Because if a woman can’t open up to suggestions and new ideas, even when asking for help, she is in her own way. She is the impediment to her desire.

The Good News
Maddy has the power to change her dating karma dramatically. There are steps she can take to turn things around and meet a whole lot more men – exactly what she needs.

The Solution
Here are a few simple suggestions that can make a tremendous difference for Maddy:

1. Locate a few other ways to meet men. Get directions and drive to the locations during the day light hours, maybe on the weekend. She’ll  become familiar with how to get there and will feel more comfortable at night.

2. Widen the “net” to meet men who are 43 – 55 which will provide so many more prospects! Maddy will have a chance to get to know men from a much larger dating pool which  may help her connect with men who are more suitable and willing to commit.

3. Start using an affirmation that reinforces there are plenty of  good men who are relationship and commitment ready. Maddy may believe that there is a shortage of good men! She can combat that belief with affirmations which is a  positive statement, said in the present tense, that works it’s way into your subconscious mind.  That’s the place where all manifesting begins.

If you are having trouble finding good men to date and relate to Maddy’s problems, try these simple ideas. You can modify the steps to better match your own obstacles. These steps will definitely work – but only if you give them a try.

Now that I have read her new book, I can honestly say– it’s a must read for every woman over 35 looking for a husband. Read it if you have dated a lot of men and can’t find one who measures up. Read it if you can’t find any men worth dating. From either end of the spectrum, Lori’s ground-breaking book will wake you up and dramatically change the way you think about the ideal man.

This is not another “how to date” book. You won’t learn new dating skills or how to react to his phone calls, first kiss etc. Marry Him is all about getting clear on what is really important to you in a partner, beyond the typical window dressing that women want. Reading this book, you’ll discover more sensible ways to determine if a man might make a good husband and become more realistic about what makes a good marriage over the long haul. Big hint: It’s not the twinkle in his eye.

There are some  incredible insights that will help you revise your strategies for looking for “the one.” The chapters are brimming with gems from social researchers at prominent universities, matchmakers, experts, dating coaches and Lori’s own epiphanies.

Gottlieb openly shares what she learned on her own search to better understand what went wrong in her dating life that kept her single. She looks at the idea of what is “good enough” in great detail to support a new vision for single women about what makes a good partner. I applaud this journey and her bravery to share it.

Here’s a sampling of the insights that Lori uncovered. See if any of this sounds similar to the way you approach dating.

How Women Get in Their Own Way
1. Feminism messed up her love life and women’s “empowerment” became synonymous with having high standards that are nearly impossible to satisfy. Also, to be strong and independent causes some confusion about the OK-ness of feeling lonely and wanting a companion and partner. Further, the “I don’t need a man” war cry, makes women seem standoffish and leaves many without a man.

2. Charisma, witty banter and fireworks may be fun qualities in a boyfriend, but stability and trustworthiness are the foundation for a good husband. There seems to be a criteria gap between the two jobs (from boyfriend to husband) making it hard for women to know what is best for them.

3. Assumptions and snap judgments limit love opportunities. Women create stories in their heads about a man which have nothing to do with the reality of who he is or what he thinks. Yet women believe their own stories more than any other possibility. Knowing less about a potential mate actually gives you a better chance of getting to know him.

4. According to social scientist Barry Schwartz from Swarthmore College, a lot of women are constantly looking over their shoulders for something better. They can date a man for years and not know if they want to marry him because a better man may come along. The longer a woman spends being indecisive, thinking there are better options, the more likely she will focus on her man’s faults.

5. Women want to date the alpha male who is nice. (That’s realistic right?) But alpha males are arrogant and self-centered, lacking the desired emotional capacity. Start accepting the fact that one human being cannot provide the level of emotional intensity that most men don’t want in the first place.  In addition, think about this rationally: Does the alpha male want a strong, independent, successful woman or a woman who can focus on his career and needs?

Strategies to Improve Your Odds for Finding Love
1. Favorite quote from Evan Marc Katz, LA Dating Coach: “[Dating] reality doesn’t suck. If you didn’t have the fantasy, the reality would be just fine.” Well said Evan! Along with this, wanting a man to adore you is another fantasy that gets in your way.

2. Second favorite Evan Marc Katz quote, “Look for a reason to say ‘Yes’ rather than ‘No.’ ” It’s much easier to weed men out, but more productive to find reasons to consider a man and give him a chance. I give the same dating advice to my clients all the time!

3. Don’t waste time on men who aren’t looking for a woman like you. Duh! If you’re not in his age range or don’t have the qualities he seeks, move on to find men who do want you.

4. In the 1960’s, the top reasons to marry were: 1) raise a family; 2) economic stability; 3) have a home and yard; 4) love. Love was not first in the ’60s. Today love is first in the me generation and other reasons fall behind that. Yet, statistics show you’ll be happier if you are more realistic and adjust your expectations about what marriage and men have to offer.

5. Can you break free of your old habits to try something new? If you will only date the same type of man who didn’t work out in the past, that’s a problem.  However, from this dating coach’s perspective, if you can open your eyes, mind and heart to consider other types of men, that’s when you know you might find a good match.

Get a copy of the Lori’s book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. Read it with the mind set of allowing new dating perspectives to shift your thinking and create new methodologies. I’m happy to report that Lori is optimistic about her love prospects today. And, don’t forget my success story –  I  I found love at 41 (that’s Lori’s age) and married for the first time at 43.

One Thing I Would Add
Do you find it hard to visualize actually finding love with a good man? Do you wonder if you can turn things around and change your dating karma?

Not only must you open your eyes, mind and heart to men, but most importantly, you must BELIEVE THAT FINDING LOVE IS POSSIBLE. Without this fundamental belief, you won’t want to bother. And you certainly won’t try changing anything. Why put effort into something that has no chance of working out, right?

To help you remedy this self defeating thought pattern, I’m offering my audio program, I Believe: Affirmations to Attract Love Now at an incredible discount. Normally, $29.95, the “I Believe” audio program is only $12.97. This for the downloadable MP3 file only. I’ve sold nearly 100 copies this month alone. It’s my way of offering you coaching support during your search and bolstering your mind set.

The audio features three different length recordings approximately 20 minutes, 12 minutes and 6 minutes, plus a full explanation of how the process works. These affirmations were developed specifically to permeate your subconscious mind and create the belief that you can find love. 

If you have trouble imagining that everything can work out for you in the love department, this audio will surely help. For $12.97, you don’t have much to lose. Get your copy now and start believing in your own romantic future.

And be sure to get your copy of Lori’s book too!

Then yesterday at about 4pm, Dave felt spontaneous. Since he found himself without a plan for the evening, maybe she’d like to get together? Heather was excited because Dave seemed, fun, bright, interesting, successful, and his photo looked great. So she said, “Sure!”

Dave lived in a town about 20 minutes away. He wasn’t that familiar with where Heather lived so he suggested two places in his own town. Heather thought about this and it made her wonder. Part of her thought, “I love to try new places!”

But another part of her mulled over the possibility that this was some sort of red flag.  She took note of the fact that he was asking her to drive to him. Heather couldn’t decide if she should shake off this negativity and just go or re-evaluate the offer and Dave. Excellent question isn’t it?

That’s when Heather picked up the phone to call me. She told me the story and with each new piece of information, I helped her “interpret” what Dave was saying, between the lines. This is an important skill for success with online dating. Here’s what I thought Dave meant:

*******

What Dave Said: “His work is bi-coastal and he spends a lot of time in California. Dave wasn’t sure when he’d have time to get together.”

What Dave Meant: Don’t expect much from me. I’m really busy/dating other women/can’t be bothered…etc. Hard to say exactly why he doesn’t want women to expect much.

What Dave Said: “He felt spontaneous. Since he found himself without plans for the evening, maybe she’d like to get together.”

What Dave Meant: I don’t plan ahead/Let’s see if she’ll bite/I’ve got nothing else to do.

What Dave Said: “He wasn’t that familiar with where Heather lived so he suggested two places in his own town.

What Dave Meant: I’m not investing much/Let her come to me/Its all about me.

********

Now, I agree, who knows what Dave is really thinking. I’m not that adept at mind reading. So, I suggested to Heather (as I would with any dating coaching client) that if she had nothing to do and wanted to meet him that night, what the heck?

We also discussed how the beginning of a relationship, even the first email, sets the tone for the future. That’s what was behind Heather’s decision  to pick a spot half way between them to meet. She wants a balanced relationship and has, in the past, been prone to giving more than she received. Asking him to meet her half way was a good step in the right direction for balance.

We’ll see what happened with Heather and Dave. My bet is he’s a player, not real boyfriend material. I’ll keep you posted.

Here’s a thought – Wouldn’t it be a relief and tremendous advantage if you had someone to call to discuss your perplexing dating questions with?

Well now you can! Just call me at 203-877-3777 to schedule a private dating coaching session and get all your dating questions answered. Whether you need help with online dating, where to meet men, understanding your man, believing love is possible, or figuring out how to get started, I’m here to help.

Hello?

One of my favorite movies, Moonstruck has a great line delivered by Cher. She says to Nicholas Cage, “Snap out of it!” That’s great advice for those looking for the perfect soul mate. In my recent interview with the BBC’s 5Live radio, the woman interviewing me suggested that we blame our false relationship ideas on Hollywood. I agreed whole-heartedly.

Women get hung up on this dreamy idea of a “soul mate.” It’s story book stuff really. Something out of the movies.

I don’t believe in the narrow notion that there is only one right person. I think we have options and some are better than others for sure. Identifying a partner who can be a good counterpart, a good husband and companion – this is worthwhile. Tossing aside most men as you look for the one soul you were meant for? I’m not convinced this is the smartest way to find love.

Letting go of the search for the perfect man allows a woman to consider who might be a good, solid match instead. That is the way to find a happy, healthy relationship based on reality rather than fairy tales.

Love can be magical – its true. But the practical aspects of love and partnership are also crucial to a lasting, happy relationship. I’m not here to dash your romantic dreams. I’m rooting for you and supporting you 100% to find the love you want and deserve. The wider your search, the more men you consider, the more willing you are to get to know the men you meet, the better your chances for connecting with a good man.

Saying “No” is the easy part. I tell my over 40 dating coaching clients that learning to say “Yes” takes courage and conviction. Try saying “yes” to the men you meet more often. Even if you think time is too precious to waste, getting to know men is never a waste of time. Better than letting a good one get away because time was too tight to waste on him. You know exactly what I’m talking about.

As many experts say, “Cast a wider net.”  Take the pressure off and get to know more men. Push yourself  to give every decent guy who is in the “ball park” three tries before he strikes out. Don’t let a couple of four letter words limit your options and possibly keep you from finding a good man to love.

I’m 62 and have been a widow for five years. Finally I felt ready to try my luck at dating, and at the beginning of December, I met a new guy at a dance. I took an instant liking to Fred and he felt the same way about me. Our relationship escalated quickly after that night. He called me several times a day and we saw each other frequently - four or more times per week, spending the entire weekend together. I was totally enjoying the experience.

Then, just before the holidays, he retreated. Basically disappeared, Stopped calling.  I wracked my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong. I just couldn’t take it anymore not knowing, so I called him and asked him directly,  ”What’s going on?” Fred was slow to reply but after some teeth-pulling he told me that it was all too fast for him. Even though he’s been divorced more than 6 years, he was questioning his readiness for such an intense relationship.

This made me crazy because the speed and intensity were totally his doing! I would have been fine with a slower approach, but he seemed to be high gear - I just went with it. I must admit it was very romantic.

Fred explained that he’d like to see me again, but  wants to take things slower. I agreed because  I’m not seeing anyone else and I like him. I did tell him that I planned to keep up with my dating activity, although I haven’t met anyone of interest at all.

I’m  confused about where we’re going. We see each other once or twice a week and he calls me regularly – maybe 5 times a week. What do you think is going on? I’d appreciate any insight. My goal is to find a man who will be in a committed, life-long relationship. I’m afraid to bring this up and was thinking I should wait to see what happens until maybe June.

– Louisiana Lady

Dear LL,

Fred wanted to slow things down because he didn’t want the intensity of your relationship? Yet,  he talks to you almost daily and sees you consistently. Don’t ask yourself what YOU did wrong! To me, it looks like Fred wants the benefits of  a relationship without the commitment.

John Gray of Venus and Mars fame, talks about this pulling away as “retreating into the cave.” Not all men are cave dwellers, but when they do retreat, the time away and reasons why vary. It seems to me that  Fred freaked himself out which makes me think he has some intimacy issues.

However, here’s what I say to all my over 40 dating coaching clients: So much depends on how you feel about this situation. If you are happy and feel you don’t need more definition, that’s OK. And let’s keep in mind that it’s only been three months. But if you want more, you might as well bring it up.

I don’t advise waiting until June – by then you will be very attached to Fred. If you want to understand what’s going on – just ask him. His reaction will say it all:

- If he’s angry – then you have an answer – he doesn’t want more and he doesn’t want to deal with it
– If  he’s happy with things the way they are, you can decide if this meets your needs of not
– If he has an open conversation where you explore what you both want and he agrees to move forward – that would be good news!

All three are possibilities and you will have an answer, eliminating worry or feeling like you’re in the dark.

Regarding looking for other prospects while dating Fred, I doubt you can honestly say you are open and available. Fred is taking up space in your life and heart which reduces your chances of meeting anyone else. Please don’t fool yourself, thinking that because you haven’t met anyone else, there isn’t anyone better out there.

Summing Things Up
I don’t often tell my dating coaching clients to walk away. It depends on what you want and how you feel about the relationship. If you’re OK with things, keep going, but if you want more, then ask for what you want and be willing to accept the consequences. Not asking is like sticking your head in the sand and will lead to far more heartache later.

photo credit: pixie_bebe