Dear Dating Coach,

I’ve been dating Max for nearly a month and it’s been fun. He emails and texts quite a bit, and also calls, although not as often. We see each other 2-3 times a week and things are going pretty well. I’m not ready to get exclusive - just taking things slowly since I’m just out of my 15 year marriage.

There are a few things I’m not sure about and time will tell how they play out. For one thing he’s in his late 40’s and never been married. That makes me question if he will ever commit. Another is that he’s not crazy about animals and I have two dogs and a cat. We spend most of our time together at his place as a result. Last, I’m starting to question if we share the same ideas of lifestyle. I certainly don’t expect fine dining every time we get together, but eating a proper, healthy meals is important to me and he’s fine with chips and salsa.

To complicate matters, he’s away on a business trip for two weeks and in the meantime, I ran into an old boyfriend, Jack, who asked me to lunch. I went, we had a fabulous time and he asked to see me again.

So enough background. The question is - can I date them both?

Thanks for your help,
Lacey

Dear Lacey,

First off I want to thank you for reminding my readers that it’s an abundant world out there - you have the opportunity to date  two men! How nice.

The point of dating as I see it is to gather data about the person to see if there is long-term potential. And that is what you are doing with Max. sometimes what seems like a great connection unravels with a bit of time as you see you need more than attraction to  make a good relationship last. If you don’t not have the same values or principles about how you want to live, that can be a deal breaker.

I don’t have an issue with Max adjusting his profile since you two are not in an exclusive relationship. If you were, I would expect both of you to take down your profiles and focus on each other. But since that is not the case, it’s hard to limit his freedom - or yours.

If you want to eat better than Max does,  bring this up and tell him it’s important to you. Good relationships are full of compromises and you might as well start discussing things to work them out now. If you find he is unwilling to compromise, then you have learned something about him and his long term, Mr. Right  potential.

Regarding your animals, sometimes people adjust to animals, sometimes they don’t. It’s hard to say. But if you want to spend more time at your house, invite him there and observe his reaction. This is more information about his potential.

Since you have no exclusivity arrangement with Max, why not date Jack too? Spending time with Jack will not only help you get to know him again, but will also help you understand what works for you and what doesn’t regarding both men. Gathering more information in this case is a smart move.

This advice is based on the initial dating phase which usually means the first 4 to 10 dates or until you know you have a standing Saturday night date which signifies the firs t stage of relationship. This upfront period is when things are far more casual and free from expectations. It might be a lot harder to date both men longer term as feeling will build and intimacy will deepen. The last thing you want to do is end up in a situation where you are deceiving one or both men about your extracurricular activities.

I can’t provide the cut off date or how long this should go on. but I think you will know what is right for you and will make your choices accordingly. From my perspective, dating in multiples is a smart strategy to find the love you want. Things often crumble or disappear after a few dates which is to be expected and perfectly normal.

Many women fall into the trap of serial monogamy which means they stop dating other men after one or two dates to focus on the one man. This is not always the wisest move since you can end up with a man who doesn’t meet you rneeds because you  got too wrapped up and involved before you finished the courting process.

Dating in multiples is the perfect solution to serial monogamy since you can distract yourself from thinking  too much about one man (as women often do). This can not only help you stay objective about the men you date, but also help when one drops away - you still have another to get to know.

To wrap things up, I say yes - date them both AND keep your eyes open as you get to know them to see who has the best long-term potential, shares similar values and ways of looking at the world, is easy to be with and treats you well. If you are having fun - great! If you start noticing red flags - pay attention and don’t ignore them! And hold off on intimacy while in observation mode to remain objective. This is the best advice i can give you to guard your heart and help you make savvy dating choices on the road to finding Mr. Right.

What about her girlfriends? Well Marilyn had focused her life on her man. Some of her friendships stayed intact,, but many were either married or fell by the wayside. Now that she is single again, her entire solution to time on her hands is to look for a man who will fill that void.

This is not the best strategy for several reasons.

Ever hear the phrase - "Men come and go, but girlfriends get you through."? It’s true isn’t it? Most of us need our girlfriends for support, a good cry or laugh and maybe some occasional commiserating. Men are great - don’t get me wrong, but we all know - they aren’t women and no one can replace your women friends or sisters. We understand each other because we think in similar ways.

If you are suddenly single and looking for ways to fill your time, think about making some new girlfriends! Today more than ever, there are single women of all ages to befriend. And, today -many are vibrant, active and want to do things!

The fastest growing segment of the travel industry is girl getaways! Why? Because women love to travel and they are no longer waiting to find men to go with! You have freedom today like never before to get out and enjoy the world. So make a few new girlfriends if you’re short on buddies. Then, get busy having fun.

Do you know how attractive a woman is who lives a rich, full life?

Highly attractive!

And how happy is a woman who is active and plans fun activities for herself? Very!

• Open the paper and look in the calendar section to see what events are interesting to you.
• Check out the Red Hat Society if you are over 50
• Find a book club or take a pilates class
• Try continuing education - most school systems have a catalog of programs!
• Visit www.MeetUp.com to discovers a huge variety of special interest groups locally, from volleyball, to gourmet dinners, a Course in Miracles study group, knitting, biking and kayaking - it’s all out there.

As humans,  we are social animals. Don’t put all your hopes, dreams and energy into only finding a man to fulfill all your needs. Live your life and while doing that - keep your eyes open and look for a great guy who will expand your world even further .

She was worried this was a sign that she is running out of options. I say no, not at all.
But most certainly barking up the wrong tree!

What could this be about from a cosmic perspective? Well, it’s so hard to say. it could really mean absolutely nothing and was simply an opportunity for a good belly laugh. That in itself can be quite healing.

But what if this is a sign of some kind? Here’s one thought going back to barking up the wrong tree - is Katie having a problem attracting men who are unavailable?

Unavailable men aren’t just married. They could also be in a relationship, just divorced or separated, gay, uninterested in dating, emotionally unavailable or …a man of the cloth.

Hmmmmm - I hope this is making you think for a bit. Do you have a habit of attracting unavailable men? Think back to your dates or crushes and consider them from  this new perspective. Do any patterns appear?

If you find this is true for yourself, as it may be for Katie ( we don’t know for sure of course) there is something you can do about it.
Ask yourself these questions:

• Are you truly available to date?
• Are you open emotionally?
• Do you make yourself available to meet men?
• Do you have time in your calendar?
• Do you have room in your life - literally look around your
  home to see if anyone could join you there

And how about your belief system: 

• Do you like men or do you think they are all bad apples?
• Do you believe love is possible for you?
• Do you feel worthy of love?

This self-examination can be very revealing and incredibly powerful for turning your dating luck around. Be honest with yourself. Identify your actions or beliefs that may be getting in your way. Then do something different!

If you need to change your belief system - affirmations are an excellent method that works wonders.
If you need to make yourself more available, make room in your heart, calendar and home for a new man.

In my book MANifesting Mr. Right, Chapter 4 talks about clearing your mind, heart, calendar and your clutter and provides a number of exercises to help you accomplish these goals.

Plus, in Chapter 6, you will learn about four sure-fire methods to open your heart to love. 

If the signs say that you are unavailable, commit to turning that around so you can find the love you want and deserve. it’s completely "doable" and possible. Not only have I done it, but so have many of my clients. You can do it too! Why not start today?

Suggestions like "Act like a gentleman." and "Don’t let your date walk all over you" came from parents with less fulfilling love lives. And not surprisingly, these bits of wisdom pretty much fell on deaf ears wtih the kids.

The article, written by Sue Shellenbarger, recommends keeping tabs on your kids whereabouts rather than meddling in their dating style. Hmmmm. That’s an interesting twist. Not having kids, it’s hard for me to have an opinion on what might work best. On the other hand, having been a teen (so many many years ago), I know meddling doesn’t hold much weight.

The whole idea does give one pause to think about the advice you’d give anyone about dating. I myself learned the hard way that even some well-intentioned advice could end up ugly. After a few months of gathering opinions from friends and implementing with disatrous results, I figured out who knew what they were talking about regarding men and dating. That sure made managing my love life a lot easier.

The friends in the know were always right on the money and their advice just felt right to me. No matter how may opinions you may solicit to help you know what to do and make good decisions, remember this - your opinion is the only one that really matters because you are the one will live with the consequences of your actions.

Pick relaible and sensible sources to get your adivce. Look at the relationships your advisors have - if it’s something you wish you had, then that friend or family member is probably a good resource.

As I walked past I commented, "A super hero and a cat - how fun!" To which the feline-costumed girl replied, "No I’m Cat Woman!"  Well I should have known that.

I couldn’t help but think about Cat Woman later in the day, realizing what a great role model she could be for connecting with your allure. Do you remember the original Cat Woman from the Batman TV show in the sixties? Julie Newmar played the role with true brilliance, combining cat-like moves with a seductive feminine approach - all to "get over" on BatMan. Halle Berry didn’t do so bad in the recent movie either.

Naturally, when you go out to meet men, you probably don’t want to play up the sensuality or seduction too much. But the allure is still a good idea to capture the attention of more men.

Here are six tips that can lure the guys in once they get close enough for conversation:

1. Try the Flirty Look
When looking at aman, tuck your chin down and back, the look up through your eye lashes - very flirty. Princess Diana was the queen of this demur move and was often caught by camera with this look.

2. Put on a Happy Face
Present an upbeat and positive personality. If you are fun and pleasant to be with, it makes things easier and a lot more fun too!

3. Heat Up the Conversation
Use words that heat up a conversation. For example, find a way to include words like attractive, sultry, crazy about, dreamy, magical, passionate, exquisite to name a few. Don’t be direct with these words, but work them into the conversation perhaps in unexpected places. "I’m really passionate about my oil painting class."  This summer’s weather has been rather sultry." Romantic movies like that are so dreamy." You get the idea. It’s not about being direct, but these words used in any sentence will heat things up without sounding cheap or aggressive.

4. Gaze into His Eyes
Looking into someone’s eyes for more than two or three seconds is a very intimate move. It’s unusual to do this before you know a man better, but lingering a bit longer has an enticing quality. These long eye connections are normally reserved for mothers and babies or couples in love. So when you linger with your gaze while talking to a new guy, you give him that intimate impression. IMake that body language work for you.

5, Check Him Out!
While you don’t want to give him a bold or obvious once over, you can do this subtly to let him know you are attracted. Look him in the eyes, then sweep his body for just a second or two before returning to his eyes. This is another body language move that will get his heart pumping without you appearing aggressive. Just interested. It’s a great ego boost for him.

6. Touch Him
When you are making a point about something during your conversation, lightly touch his arm to reinforce your comment. This crossing over from talking to touching will heighten your appeal for sure. Once you cross the boundary with touch, you let a man know you are open to him and attracted as well. if a man needs reassurance, this will do it for sure. This is a quick and gentle move, so don’t over do it with length of time or frequency. You don’t want to seem "easy" just available and interested.

If you are new to these moves, keep this fact in mind: Men will not know that you don’t act like this all the time or that you are uncomfortable. That’s because the men don’t know you yet, so they have no reason to think how out of character your actions are! Use that anonymity to your advantage and practice up so you can be ready for the guy that really trips your trigger!

They sat at a table with others to celebrate her birthday and I couldn’t help but over hear how the couple had been married for 67 years.

SIXTY SEVEN YEARS?!? Wow that’s a long time. I’ve been married now for 8 years and we’ll never have that longevity because we started too late. But I am impressed on many levels with this lady.

First of all - she was SO happy to be 88 that she danced in the diner lobby. Think about that. I didn’t do any dance this year and I’m only 51 (oooh did I just admit that?)  But this woman announced her years in front of several perfect strangers and did a jig to boot. She didn’t amble in all crochety and bummed out about her age - she celebrated out loud! Very inspiring.

Second, her husband of 67 years was close behind and smiling too. How nice is that?

Third, she had people to share a birthday breakfast with and open gifts. They all seemed to be having a very good time.

This whole episode made my Sunday and I’m still thinking about it today. When you notice or find couples who inspire you - really take it in and give thanks. Every time that scene comes to mind, it makes me smile and feel her happiness all over again. I hope I can be like that as I age - enjoying every moment and spreading good cheer. I’m making it my goal to start today!

Now you are probably thinking to yourself - well duh! Who would post anything else?

You’d be very surprised - or maybe not if you’ve been looking around the Internet dating sites. Looking at pictures can be a fascinating study of what people must think of themselves. It’s truly astonishing!

Here are several examples of how people choose to show themselves to others, just to save a buck.

1) Joe took his own photo by holding the camera at arm’s length in front of  him.  Not only was it a bad photo, but looked like he took it himself - distorted, crooked and unflattering!

2) Deirdra had what must have been a family photo that she had cut herself out of. This is actually just as tacky as cutting your ex out of the photo. I have literally seen too many pictures of a woman with a mysterious tie across her dress, or a shoulder with a gouge because an ex’s arm was removed. And men can be just as guilty of poor photo editing. Never cut anyone out of a photo! if it can’t be easily cropped - please use a different photo.

3) So many people use a business photo taken in poor lighting. You may be having fun at a convention, but the background and the lighting won’t be flattering. And what is in the background DOES MATTER!

4) Another bad background example showed Cal standing in front of his staircase. Not bad composition except for all the laundry hanging all over the bannister! Please think about what is behind you because it all adds up to send a message about you. What impression do you want to make? Don’t let items behind you ruin a good photo. Take a few minutes to pick a better location or simply clean up.

5) Sometimes in the cropping process, the photo gets distorted. If this happens to you, either start over, have someone else with better software do the cropping or use a different photo. You want to look your best, not distorted right?

Please don’t just slap a photo on your profile and go for it. I realize that getting something up is more important than perfection. But I’m not suggesting perfection - just being smart. Since you will be selected first based on your photo , give careful consideration to the ones that you choose. Make sure the picture actually looks like you, is fairly recent, shows you at your best (or close to it) and is free of distractions that detract from your good looks.

Personally, I had a secret pre-wedding on the spring equinox. My reasoning was that I wanted the union with my husband to be on equal ground. The equinox is the mid point between both solstices - the longest and shortest days of the year. Both the fall and spring equinoxes are the times when the day and night are of equal length. That was the thought behind a ceremony for us - hoping for a balanced marriage and relationship.  So far so good by the way.

My last words of wisdom on this - make hay while the sun shines! Get out there and mingle. Happy solstice!

Well there are plenty of reasons. For example some women are afraid co-workers will see the photo and then every one will know they are dating. OK uh, if you’re single, chances are strong you might want to date. Why should this remain a secret? People still find it embarrassing to be single. yet, half the adult population IS SINGLE! Please try to get over this - there is nothing to be embarrassed about because everyone deserves a loving life partner.

But I can  tell you there are far more reasons to post your photo and here are five big ones:

1) Men are visual and a photo will help them decide if you are attractive and worth chasing. Come on, women today are almost as visual as the men. Perhaps some are more flexible about a man’s attractiveness, but I know plenty of women who click and click looking for a man with hair right? Get over the idea that men select you by your looks. Of course that’s how they select you!  They have to be attracted - that’s what the photo is for. And there is no way to get around this.

2) If you want to send the photo upon request, a man will still see your picture right? He may still reject you based on your looks. So why not skip this time consuming step and just post the darn thing?

3) I had a client who refused to post her photo. She had 162 men look at her profile and contact her in a five month period. Once I convinced her to post her picture, she had 232 look at her in just 5 days. If you’re playing the odds, bet on the photo to pull in the most men.

4) Internet dating is a numbers game. Don’t you want the highest return on the hard work you did putting together your profile? Of course you do! So post that picture and stop putting road blocks in your path.

5) Writing a good profile is not that easy. Many people sound the same because they like the movies or dining out. For some, it’s difficult to describe themselves and really get across who they are. A writtren profile is often flat and without dimension for these reasons. Although I can help with tips or by writing your profile for you - just post that picture - it’s worth 1,000 words!

I hope you are starting to turn around on this no photo phobia.

Honestly, if you’re not going to post your photo, you might as well not post the profile either. No photo on your Internet dating profile is like a day without sunshine or a burger without ketchup or tuna fish without Hellman’s, or donuts without coffee, or salsa without tortilla chips Gee I must be hungry.. Sorry for the cliches but they work. And so do the photos - so post one right now!

Elaine felt angry and apathetic about the second date. Two weeks was too long to wait and as a woman and a coach, I understand what she means. But we didn’t really have enough information to know for sure what had caused the time lapse. Maybe he doesn’t have the same dating agenda. Maybe he’s seeing several other women. Maybe he’s not that interested. Maybe he was out of town on business. Granted it wasn’t a good sign, but we can’t be completely sure it’s a bad sign.

Lastly, I pointed out that Daniel’s pace was actually perfect for Elaine’s busy schedule. Even if he had called sooner, Elaine was traveling on business and wouldn’t have been able to get together. And, she isn’t sure when she’ll be able to set up the date in the near future due to business and family obligations.

But let’s look past the surface here to go deeper into this situation.

Elaine  insists she yearns for a loving, committed relationship. But, does she have time for it? And does she really want love? Because looking at her situation objectively, Elaine’s actions don’t match up with her desire. She doesn’t have room for a man in her life. And she does very little to find one or free up her time constraints. After coaching for months, nothing has really changed regarding her schedule or her efforts to meet men.

Hmmm.

Let me draw an analogy. According to Feng Shui, when you have a bookcase jam-packed with books, that sends a message to the Universe that you are "all filled up" and don’t need any more. That’s the reason a Feng Shui practitioner will suggest you make room in that bookshelf and unload some of those titles. The same holds true for your TIME.

If you are like Elaine, busy busy busy and all booked up, you are sending a message to the Universe that you have all you need. You have no more time, so why send anything else to you? Not the message you want to send is it?

To use the Law of Attraction properly, you not only have to focus on what you want, you have to take steps to find it as well. Elaine needs to line up her actions with her desire and intentions to find love.

I talked to Elaine about her time. How could she make room for some empty space? That gave her a good chuckle.  I suggested she could read a couple of books that had been piled up if nothing came to fill the space. But she had to start creating room in her calendar and life if she wanted to send out vibes of being available. Elaine understood.

In my book MANifesting Mr. Right, Chapter 4 goes over how to make yourself more available. To do so, the chapter explains how to:

Clear your Mind
Clear your Heart
Clear your Closet
Clear your Calendar

These gestures help to free you up on multiple levels and make room for a man in your life.

If you feel any of Elaine’s situation sounds like your life, you may want to start the clearing process too. To find out how, get your copy of MANifesting Mr. Right today. You can start to align your actions with your intentions and that is the surest way to attract what you want in life. Here’s to clearing things up soon!