Dating Over 40: Is Your Dating Life Too Much Like the Movie Groundhog Day?

Have you ever seen the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray? Here’s the link for the trailer on youtube. In the film, Bill gets stuck in an endless loop  of repeating the very same day – Groundhog Day, until he manages to get things right. Do you feel this way about your love life? Are you stuck in an endless loop of dating guys with similar flaws? If this sounds like your situation, you may have a “type” of guy. Types have similarities that always make your heart skip a beat. For some it’s about looks – the Eddie Baurer type, or the rock star type, or simpler -tall, dark hair and blue eyes. For others, they look for similar personality characteristics – an intellectual, a rich guy, an artist type, a charmer. What’s your type? There are some serious draw backs to consider if you insist on dating only one type of man: 1) If you only want to date men who look a certain way, that dramatically limits your pool of applicants 2) If the men you date must have a certain type of job, again this limits you 3) If the men you date must have a very specific personality type, you limit yourself. Catching on that types limit your prospect pool? Plus how a man looks is no indicator of how he will treat you or how you will get along. Another drawback is that a specific kind of man often comes with a specific type of problem.  For instance, charming men are often players. Just the way things work. Not every time, but probably 99.5%. One of my clients recently insisted she has to have a charming man and she won’t settle for less. But she hasn’t had a relationship in the last four years because Mr. Charming, no matter who he is, doesn’t seem to stick around. If you have a type and are feeling like Bill in the moive Groundhog, may I make a few suggestions? 1) Expand the narrow focus of who you will date to include more men. Try blondes, smart but not mensa members, or successful but balanced lifestyle. 2) Do an inventory of past relationships and look for similarities between the men. Once you find the good points and bad, you will have a list of the downside to watch for. When you see these elements in the men you date, that’s a red flag to pay attention to and perhaps reconsider 3) Hold off on snap judgments and give guys a chance. If men approach you and your usual response is to think – get lost, give the man a chance to talk with you. See how things go for 5 minutes. Talk to him. When you give yourself a chance to get to know a person, you have a much more genuine opportunity to meet a good man. 4) Focus on qualities relating to how compatible you might be with him and how well he will treat you. These indicators are far more important for a lasting relatinoship than those sparkly blue eyes you can’t live without. Don’t let your shadow keep you inside the dating burrow like the groundhog does some years. And stop mimicking the movie, possibly repeating the same dating errors over and over again. Instead, get out there to meet plenty of men so you can connect with the right man for you.

Dating Over 40: The Millionaire Matchmaker is Back!

I’m a big Bravo TV fan and one show that is my favorite is returning this month – The Millionaire Matchmaker with Patti Stanger. First of all, she looks pretty hot from the previews. Perhaps some personal work after last season…

But more than that, Patti offers serious, no nonsense, sensible dating advice to her clients and tells the men how it is about their desire to date younger women. Let me say, "Thank you Patti!"

The preview show for the new season airs today on BRAVO at 12:30pm, but also runs other times this week. Plus you can catch the reruns from last season if you want to get current. Here’s a link to the schedule.

Enjoy!

 

Dating Over 40: I Miss Being Alone – Can’t I Have a Saturday Night Boyfriend?

 

 

Dating After Divorce: Jellyfish Breakup

 

 

 

Dating After Divorce: Three Ways to Scare off a New Man – Happy Halloween!

Boo! It’s Halloween, one of favorite holidays. And a great backdrop for talking about dating. Halloween is about the fun of being frightened and scary things that go bump in the night. All of that has its place. But the last thing you want to do is scare off a new man in your life. Here are three ways you might inadvertently frighten your date away and how to avoid them.

1) Staunchly Independent
You are an independent woman who doesn’t "really" need a man. I get it. But that is the last thing you want him to feel. Most men want to feel needed. Not by a needy woman – that’s something different. But to do man things for you. Help with your car, fix stuff, carry hearvy things. A staunchly independent woman who wears that status boldly and talks about it directly can be off putting. You know you can take care of yourself and more power to you! But, don’t send him packing before you get to know him.

You can be independent all you want – just don’t flaunt it in his face. Let him open the door for you, order the wine, pick up the check. Let him have the traditional role and "be the man." If you want to be your most attractive, be yourself, be warm and receptive, and be easy to please and appreciative of his efforts.

2) Trying on the Future
When you meet a wonderful man, it’s hard not to get caught up in the excitement. That is the fun part of dating. However, if you start doodling your name with his, if you think how his surname sounds with your first name before the second date (and you know you do this sometimes) that is a very scary thing. Don’t plan your future before you have one. Stay in the present moment. Anything can happen – and that’s to move the relationship forward or to cut it short.

When you lean into the future, you may appear anxious. And anxious might look like neediness – Oh no! That is often the downhill slide for a man. So avoid over thinking the future. Stay present, keep your eyes open and know that it will all unfold with time.

3) Fixing Him Up a Bit
Let me tell you straight out – you cannot change a man. You cannot change anyone, except yourself and event that’s not so easily done. The only thing you can change about a man is his clothing and his hair – maybe, if you’re lucky. But that’s it. 

He is who he is. Your attempts to improve him could be taken as a lack of appreciation for who he is right now. That’s not good and doesn’t bode well for your budding relationship. Pushing him to change is a great way to push him away.

Yet, this is a mistake that women make all the time. I remember myself thinking about a guy and wishing I could just mix together a good part of someone else with the new guy’s qualities to have the perfect partner. We all have done this from time to time. Does it work out? Nope.

So refrain from fixing him. Appreciate who he is right now. And if you cannot do that, he’s probably not the right man for you.

How to Enjoy hte Magic
There are many more chilling things women do to chase men away, like not returning phone calls, taking about your ex, complaining that all men stink, etc., but we’ll save that for a rainy day. In the mean time, if you are dating someone who seems to be in your ball park for the qualities you seek, smile at him, praise his efforts, give him a warm reception and enjoy the magic that is falling in love.

Happy Halloween!

Dating Over 40: Halloween Hottie or Harlot?

My good friend and fellow dating advisor, Terry Hernon MacDonald wrote an excellent post on her blog about Halloween costumes. Terry feels that in recent years, women have taken to wearing more revealing costumes with plunging necklines and sky-high FMP heels. She wonders what happened to looking pretty. Her main concern of course is that prancing around in a slutty-looking costume will attract the wrong kind of male attention. And I must agree!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a huge fan of dressing up for Halloween . Wearing a mask and creating a new persona definitely lowers inhibitions which is what makes this the perfect singles holiday. It’s so easy to start conversations with strangers come up with comments about the get-ups. Just be conscious of what message you want to send with your outfit..

I’m not a prude either and I totally get that you want to look hot. Go for it!  However, keep in mind that leaving something to the imagination is a huge part of attraction. Less is more. Not less clothing, but less revealing. Attraction and fantasy go hand in hand, so please leave him something to think about.

Choose a flattering costume that shows off what you’ve got, but show a sense of taste as well. If you’re just looking to party – go ahead and don that hoochie mama look.  But if you want to attract a good man of substance, use a bit more restraint. You’ll still look hot, without letting it all hang out.

Dating Over 40: Are you Holding Back in Your Relationship?

Maribeth has been dating Ben for more then 6 months. I hear from her frequently with questions and updates on how things are going. She just went away for their first weekend trip and they really got along and had a wonderful time together. That’s good news!

But not good enough perhaps. Seems Ben just doesn’t have the affectionate nature that Maribeth desires. He’s honest, straight forward, has a good sense of humor, a strong s-e-x drive, is generous. But Ben gets just a "C" for affection.

Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting more affection. But what surprised me is what Maribeth was doing about creating this. Nothing. So I’m surprised to hear that she’s WAITING for Ben to be affectionate rather than initiating some affection herself. I asked her, if you want to hold his hand, have you simply reached for it? She said, "No."

Let’s get clear about dating protocol. After six months, you are not dating any more. You are in a relationship. All that holding off, holding back, letting the man lead stuff softens with time. Often the woman starts making the social arrangements and I would think initiating intimacy if desired. Why not affection too?

Turns out Maribeth has been totally letting Ben lead. She has not shifted into relationship mode but remains stuck in  just dating. Maribeth is in her relationship, but hanging out on the sidelines. She’s still observing, critiquing and measuring. It makes sense to keep your eyes open, but what happens when you continually view your situation from the outside? You cannot be in two places at once. So Maribeth lives her relationship from the sidelines.

My suggestion? Jump in and get into the middle of the relationship. At a dance, you can’t fully experience the fun if you are dancing alone on the edge of the dance floor. Oh no. You  want to be in the thick of the whirling swirling bodies, shaking and bobbing to the music. That’s where it’s happening. And the same thing is true for relationships.

I suggested to Maribeth that if she wanted a kiss, ask for one. Or lean over and kiss him. If she wants to hold hands, do it. If she wants to snuggle on the couch while watching TV, move over and snuggle up. Don’t over do it. You don’t want to crowd or smother they guy. But when you want some affection, get it started. Sometimes men are relieved and pleased when they don’t have to start everything.

If you are a woman who has been dating your guy for over six months, admit you are in a relationship. If it’s not the right relationship, then move on. If you are uncertain about the rightness, the best way to really know is to pretend you are happy to see what happens next.

When you hold back and watch from the sidelines, you will never really know how you feel. Because you are not really involved. When you hold yourself separate – the man will sense it. He will feel it. And if he is serious about you, you will start to make him wonder. That’s not what you want is it?

Take the chance. if the man  you are dating is a good man, you have enough in common, you seem to want the same things out of life and you enjoy each other’s company, then open your heart and let him in. Jump into the middle of the dance floor of life and stop waiting on the sidelines being cautious. While I’m a big believer in cautiousness, there is a time and place for everything. Give the good guys a real shot at making you happy to experience the full potential of what the two of you can have together.

 

Dating After Divorce: Vacationing from Dating?

Sometimes you just need a break from dating. Maybe you recently exited a relationship. Or you just had too many bad dates in a row. It happens. Taking a break from the dating scene can really help refresh you, let go of some negative thinking and disengage from bad habits. This is a great strategy…as long as it’s just a temporary vacation.

If you have recently ended a relationship, then healing is a must before re-entering the dating game. Rebound relationships may help you get over your ex, but it’s not always the healthiest way to go about healing. And it can create casualties, regarding your dates, if you know what I mean. So a dating vacation is most definitely in order. Time to regroup, recharge your battery, regain your confidence, re-think what works for you.

How long does this take? Well it does differ from person to person. It depends on why your relationship ended. And your previous relationship baggage. And your family dynamics.  It’s so involved!  Let’s just say it depends on many variables and how you process things. If you were involved for a while it will probably take longer than if you’ve had a string of bad dates.

Clients often ask me, "How can I get ready faster?" Interesting question.

There are a number of steps you can take and methods to use to move through the healing process with intention. You can’t really skip any steps in your process. But you can change your focus – which changes your energy, which can move you forward a bit faster.

Here are a few tips that are incredibly powerful for letting go and moving on:

1. Pulling Strings.
This is a visualization in which you imagine there are strings attaching you and your ex. Notice where these strings are attached to your body and then one by one, you imagine gently pulling them free from where ever they are attached. After, spend time healing the spots to close up the connection. I have even heard of people who visualize burning those strings to make sure they don’t re-attach themselves later. This can be a very empowering exercise to free you from a connection that no longer serves you.

2. Prayer
While I’m not religious, I do believe in God or a God -force. To pray  for help in moving on is a strong method to focus your energy on what you DO WANT . Ask for the God of your choice to help guide you and free you from your connection to your ex, and help heal you to find love once again. You can also ask the angels to help. The power of prayer is undeniable, regardless of your religious beliefs. Countless double blind studies have proved time and time again that people who are ill and prayed for, even without knowing it, heal faster.

3. Chant
I’m big on chanting and make up new chants to focus my thoughts and energy on whatever my new goal is. To lose weight, heal a friendship that isn’t working, make a business connection or let go of a lover. it just works. Pick a tune you know – something simple like a child’s song (Twinkle Twinkle Little Star has been used frequently!) and change the words to express your intention. I have a whole CD of chants – some to let go of love and others to attract love. Find out more here.

Then, once you have used one or all of these techniques, Don’t let yourself off the hook. If you are serious about finding love, you’ll need to end that dating vacation at some point and get back into gear. Looking for love is worth it. No one ever looks back after finding love and says, "What a waste of time that was!"  Find a way to restore your faith and get back out there to attract and find the love you want and deserve.

Dating Over 40: John Edwards’ Cheating Heart

My friend Terry, author of How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams has a funny video of Jon Stewart from the Daily Show on Comedy Central – berating Senator John Edwards on his adultery. I have got to start watching his show – very clever and funny – reminds me of Bill Maher, another comedian who builds a show around the news.

Senator Edwards made some incredibly stupid comments when discussing his transgression. He said it was during a period when his wife was in remission – uh – yeah, that’s an excuse – Oh she was healthy so that makes it better?

He mentioned several times that no one in his family was to blame – uh duh? Could he blame his children or his wife? Only he has control, or lack there of over his little head shall we say.

Then he tapped his heart repeatedly claiming this is where his wife resides. Oh really? So that’s how you treat a woman who resides in your heart?  What a fool. Doesn’t he know the less said the better? There is no excuse. He would have been better off just saying I did it, I got caught, I’m sorry. End of story. Anything more is like salt in the wound and makes him sound like a complete buffoon.

Now I’m not commenting on whether or not his wife should forgive him or where they go from here. That is a totally personal decision and I can’t make that one for anyone else. And I can’t even comment on what I would do in that situation. Frankly, I pray I don’t have to ever make that decision. And my heart goes out to anyone who has been in this predicament.

I do have a friend whose husband cheated on her during the first year of marriage when she was pregnant with their first child. She caught him, they fought a lot. Then she forgave him. But 20 years later she still doesn’t trust him even though she has never caught him cheating again. On the other hand, they have been happy, raised two children and really enjoy each other’s company. so you can see why I am at a loss to give my perspective. I just don’t know. For my friend, she feels she made the right choice and really that is all that matters.

My only comment would pertain to a person who has been caught cheating multiple times. I suppose someone could slip up once, And then refrain from repeating such a mistake. But if cheating is a habit, that’s a whole different can of worms.

If you have 4-5 minutes, you can watch the video on Terry’s blog  The video is actually a little over 6 minutes but the end includes comedy about our president at the Olympics – off topic, although you may want to see the whole thing if you have the time.

Enjoy!

 

 

Dating After Divorce: Should I Date More than One Man at a Time?

Now this is a FUN question!

Dear Dating Coach,

I’ve been dating Max for nearly a month and it’s been fun. He emails and texts quite a bit, and also calls, although not as often. We see each other 2-3 times a week and things are going pretty well. I’m not ready to get exclusive – just taking things slowly since I’m just out of my 15 year marriage.

There are a few things I’m not sure about and time will tell how they play out. For one thing he’s in his late 40′s and never been married. That makes me question if he will ever commit. Another is that he’s not crazy about animals and I have two dogs and a cat. We spend most of our time together at his place as a result. Last, I’m starting to question if we share the same ideas of lifestyle. I certainly don’t expect fine dining every time we get together, but eating a proper, healthy meals is important to me and he’s fine with chips and salsa.

To complicate matters, he’s away on a business trip for two weeks and in the meantime, I ran into an old boyfriend, Jack, who asked me to lunch. I went, we had a fabulous time and he asked to see me again.

So enough background. The question is – can I date them both?

Thanks for your help,
Lacey

Dear Lacey,

First off I want to thank you for reminding my readers that it’s an abundant world out there – you have the opportunity to date  two men! How nice.

The point of dating as I see it is to gather data about the person to see if there is long-term potential. And that is what you are doing with Max. sometimes what seems like a great connection unravels with a bit of time as you see you need more than attraction to  make a good relationship last. If you don’t not have the same values or principles about how you want to live, that can be a deal breaker.

I don’t have an issue with Max adjusting his profile since you two are not in an exclusive relationship. If you were, I would expect both of you to take down your profiles and focus on each other. But since that is not the case, it’s hard to limit his freedom – or yours.

If you want to eat better than Max does,  bring this up and tell him it’s important to you. Good relationships are full of compromises and you might as well start discussing things to work them out now. If you find he is unwilling to compromise, then you have learned something about him and his long term, Mr. Right  potential.

Regarding your animals, sometimes people adjust to animals, sometimes they don’t. It’s hard to say. But if you want to spend more time at your house, invite him there and observe his reaction. This is more information about his potential.

Since you have no exclusivity arrangement with Max, why not date Jack too? Spending time with Jack will not only help you get to know him again, but will also help you understand what works for you and what doesn’t regarding both men. Gathering more information in this case is a smart move.

This advice is based on the initial dating phase which usually means the first 4 to 10 dates or until you know you have a standing Saturday night date which signifies the firs t stage of relationship. This upfront period is when things are far more casual and free from expectations. It might be a lot harder to date both men longer term as feeling will build and intimacy will deepen. The last thing you want to do is end up in a situation where you are deceiving one or both men about your extracurricular activities.

I can’t provide the cut off date or how long this should go on. but I think you will know what is right for you and will make your choices accordingly. From my perspective, dating in multiples is a smart strategy to find the love you want. Things often crumble or disappear after a few dates which is to be expected and perfectly normal.

Many women fall into the trap of serial monogamy which means they stop dating other men after one or two dates to focus on the one man. This is not always the wisest move since you can end up with a man who doesn’t meet you rneeds because you  got too wrapped up and involved before you finished the courting process.

Dating in multiples is the perfect solution to serial monogamy since you can distract yourself from thinking  too much about one man (as women often do). This can not only help you stay objective about the men you date, but also help when one drops away – you still have another to get to know.

To wrap things up, I say yes – date them both AND keep your eyes open as you get to know them to see who has the best long-term potential, shares similar values and ways of looking at the world, is easy to be with and treats you well. If you are having fun – great! If you start noticing red flags – pay attention and don’t ignore them! And hold off on intimacy while in observation mode to remain objective. This is the best advice i can give you to guard your heart and help you make savvy dating choices on the road to finding Mr. Right.

 

Dating Over 40: Looking for Love? What’s wrong with now?

Saturday a potential new client called me to talk about coaching. She wanted to know how it works and could I help with her match.com profile. We talked for a while and I explained the coaching process. Vanessa had a lot of questions. Turns out she met me 6 years ago at one of my dating workshops! She liked what I had to say and had decided it was time to do something.

Dating After Divorce: Serving Up Rejection – The Best Way to End a Brief Relationship

I have a question about how to break off with a man early in the process. Bill struck up a conversation online through Match.com. He had a nice profile, not bad looking, lots of the things I’m looking for and many things in common. OK, I was excited.  Bill said he’ll call Tuesday night. But he didn’t call. 

The next day, Bill sends me an instant message (IM) at work saying he wanted to be "honest" with me. He admitted that he went to a sporting event and thought it was too late to call when he got home. Ok, I think – nice that he was thinking of me, but he could have either IM’d, emailed, or called to say that we could talk another time.

We chat a bit more via instant messenger and he invites me to dinner for Saturday night and says he’ll call me that night. Guess what? – No cal!.

The next day he emails and I tell him that I’m thinking either he is married, or he is not a man of his word – either way, I’m not interested. He took great offense, defended himself; and insists that I was too rough on him.

My question is – when do you say enough is enough? I felt that if I ignored his second "no show," I’d be sending the message that this is acceptable behavior, which it’s not for me. Of course, now I am doubting myself and my reactions.

Doubtful in Dedham

Dear Doubtful,

From thids dating coach’s perspective, yo udid the right thing. Why continue when there is nothing to continue? He has already shown his true colors and things probably won’t get any better than this. Since you admitted that’s not how you want to be treated (and who would want that?), walking away was the right thing to do.

However,how you let someone know this is a different story. Here’s what I’ve learned about men and women, the brush off, and honesty. We all say we want honesty – but that’s not exactly true. We want honesty so we can build trust, but 100% honesty is probably not the best all-round policy. The degree of honesty depends on what the discussion is. For example, no woman wants the truthful answer to, "Do these pants make my butt look fat?" 

So, when you think aobut it, nobody actually wants to hear why s/he is being rejected. People may say they want to know. But if someone doesn’t think you’re attractive enough – do you want to know that? If someone doesn’t think you are smart enough, have a similar sense of humor, or the right education, have different morals, values or agendas, do you really want to hear that?

To me, the answer is "No, I don’t want to hear it" Frankly, if you’ve haven’t had more than a few dates with the person, I think everyone is better off without an explanation.  Think about it. Is there any reason you’d actually want to hear that would feel good? 

The best way to end a brief encounter is to say as little as possible or perhaps avoid responding entirely. Although that may seem odd or less than honest, it’s often the kindest solution. Men often do the disappearing act because it doesn’t create any confrontration or big emotional scenes.