It's Never Too Late for Love » boomer dating advice

Dating After 40: Deal Breakers for Men and Women

Ronnie — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 15:20:23 +0000

Dating Deal Breakers

Do you have a list of dating deal breakers? These are things about a man that you won’t tolerate. I hope you do, but if not, it’s time to make one up.

This isn’t a list of the 40 irritating things guys have done in your past. These are the narrow few, completely intolerable behaviors which you never want to experience again in this life time.

Let me get you started with a few items that you might want to avoid. These are based on bad experiences you’ve had that you don’t want to repeat.

1. Under-handed behaviors (lying, cheating, etc.)
2. Addictive habits (too much smoking, drinking, gambling)
3. Lazy, coach potato
4. Broke, unemployed and not looking (it’s different if he’s looking)
5. Disrespectful or abusive
6. Trouble with the law
7. Not emotionally available
8. Performance issues (untreated ED, etc.)
9. Stingy, bigoted, opinionated, etc.

That covers most major infractions.

Now the chances that you’ve encountered all of these things is extremely low. So don’t put them all on your list. Just choose the ones that you have encountered. And feel free to put something on your list that I didn’t mention.

When you keep a list of what you don’t want, as well as a list of what you DO want, then you are clear with the kind of man you want to MANfifest. While you might read the list of qualities you are seeking every day to build your belief in your ability to attract such a great guy, don’t do this with the deal breaker list.

As a dating coach for women over 40, I often explain to my clients how you don’t want to MANifest your deal breakers. The process can work in the negative if you focus too much on what you don’t want. The Universe can get confused because it responds to what you pay attention to. There’s a saying in Hawaiian Shamanism that states, “Energy flows where attention goes”. Better to focus on what you DO want!

Now that we’ve covered what you want and don’t want and your specific deal breakers, what about the men? What deal breakers do they have about women?

According to April Beyer, matchmaker and dating coach, she says these are the top three:

1. An overly independent woman who doesn’t know how to turn off “the boss”
2. A woman who isn’t flexible
3. A woman who doesn’t take care of herself physically

As a dating coach for women dating over 40 or dating after divorce, one thing I know from my own dating journey and from speaking with my male clients, is that men don’t ever want to compete with you as a woman.That kills any possible romance.

Men might have to compete with you at work, but when they see you, they want your feminine energy. Kindness, sweetness, warmth, connection and appreciation. So, ladies, please find a way to turn off the “chick in charge” when you go out with a man. Once he’s off duty, he doesn’t want to be in that work mode.

Men also want a woman who can be flexible about plans, ideas, etc. Can you go with the flow at least sometimes? Can you be spontaneous on occasion? This means a lot to a man and can earn you big points in his book.

The last one is rather obvious. Even if you gain a few pounds, you can still wear nice clothes, stay up to date with your hair and makeup, and maintain your sense of style. Exercise, which is good for your health and looks, eat well, get enough rest so you can be your best. Besides the fact that when you look good, you feel good, you’ll keep him interested and appreciating you. A woman who loves herself, honors herself by taking good care of herself.

Now that you’ve got the inside scoop on the top deal breakers for men, as your dating coach, I askyou to please do some soul searching. Assess if you exhibit these behaviors and then make the changes needed so you can get more second dates!

Photo Credit: Leo Reynolds

Dating Over 40: Is Your Dating Life Too Much Like the Movie Groundhog Day?

Ronnie — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 17:05:56 +0000

Have you ever seen the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray? Here’s the link for the trailer on youtube. In the film, Bill gets stuck in an endless loop of repeating the very same day – Groundhog Day, until he manages to get things right. Do you feel this way about your love life? Are you stuck in an endless loop of dating guys with similar flaws? If this sounds like your situation, you may have a “type” of guy. Types have similarities that always make your heart skip a beat. For some it’s about looks – the Eddie Baurer type, or the rock star type, or simpler -tall, dark hair and blue eyes. For others, they look for similar personality characteristics – an intellectual, a rich guy, an artist type, a charmer. What’s your type? There are some serious draw backs to consider if you insist on dating only one type of man: 1) If you only want to date men who look a certain way, that dramatically limits your pool of applicants 2) If the men you date must have a certain type of job, again this limits you 3) If the men you date must have a very specific personality type, you limit yourself. Catching on that types limit your prospect pool? Plus how a man looks is no indicator of how he will treat you or how you will get along. Another drawback is that a specific kind of man often comes with a specific type of problem. For instance, charming men are often players. Just the way things work. Not every time, but probably 99.5%. One of my clients recently insisted she has to have a charming man and she won’t settle for less. But she hasn’t had a relationship in the last four years because Mr. Charming, no matter who he is, doesn’t seem to stick around. If you have a type and are feeling like Bill in the moive Groundhog, may I make a few suggestions? 1) Expand the narrow focus of who you will date to include more men. Try blondes, smart but not mensa members, or successful but balanced lifestyle. 2) Do an inventory of past relationships and look for similarities between the men. Once you find the good points and bad, you will have a list of the downside to watch for. When you see these elements in the men you date, that’s a red flag to pay attention to and perhaps reconsider 3) Hold off on snap judgments and give guys a chance. If men approach you and your usual response is to think – get lost, give the man a chance to talk with you. See how things go for 5 minutes. Talk to him. When you give yourself a chance to get to know a person, you have a much more genuine opportunity to meet a good man. 4) Focus on qualities relating to how compatible you might be with him and how well he will treat you. These indicators are far more important for a lasting relatinoship than those sparkly blue eyes you can’t live without. Don’t let your shadow keep you inside the dating burrow like the groundhog does some years. And stop mimicking the movie, possibly repeating the same dating errors over and over again. Instead, get out there to meet plenty of men so you can connect with the right man for you.

Dating Over 40: The Millionaire Matchmaker is Back!

Ronnie — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 13:28:17 +0000

I’m a big Bravo TV fan and one show that is my favorite is returning this month – The Millionaire Matchmaker with Patti Stanger. First of all, she looks pretty hot from the previews. Perhaps some personal work after last season…

But more than that, Patti offers serious, no nonsense, sensible dating advice to her clients and tells the men how it is about their desire to date younger women. Let me say, "Thank you Patti!"

The preview show for the new season airs today on BRAVO at 12:30pm, but also runs other times this week. Plus you can catch the reruns from last season if you want to get current. Here’s a link to the schedule.

Enjoy!

Dating Over 40: I Miss Being Alone – Can’t I Have a Saturday Night Boyfriend?

Ronnie — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 16:02:10 +0000

Yesterday, I saw one of my clients from the very first class I taught almost 8 years ago!

She works at a diner in my town and I was there meeting with other business women in a mastermind group. Betsy, came over, greeted me and then whispered in my ear – I have a boyfriend now. Then she giggled. How cute! Betsy has been divorced and alone for 29 years. She didn’t want to put much time into looking for a man or getting out and claimed she was tired a lot. Betsy didn’t have the energy or spirit to really put all of my strategies into play.

But something different must have happened because now she has a boyfriend!

My friends all started commenting about how much better Betsy was looking. "She has makeup on." "She looks happy." "She’s smiling and seems to have more energy." They observed many positive changes in Betsy. I told them she has a new boyfriend.

At one point I got up to look at something and Betsy flew over taking advantage of me being away from my friends. She said that she didn’t know if this was the right thing because he wanted to be with her more often then she wanted. "I really only want a man for Saturday night. The rest of the time I’m used to being on my own. John wants to come over, sit on the coach and watch TV with me. I can’t be bothered. I miss my alone time."

Honestly, I was floored. Betsy used to complain how she had nothing to do and no one to do it with. And now that she has companionship available to her, she misses her free time?

Maybe Betsy likes to complain…

I totally understand what a change of lifestyle this can be for someone out of practice in the relationship department. It’s hard when you’ve been alone for a while, I know. Everyone is entitled to live life the way they want to. But I couldn’t help myself. I had to say something.

So I said, "Betsy, you have finally found a nice guy who wants to spend time with you. Please stretch yourself and find a way to compromise. Let him know you can’t spend all your free time with him, but for heaven’s sake, if you want to keep him around, once a week is not going to work." She admitted that she knew this is true.

You can feel free to negotiate the amount of time you want to spend with your partner. Not everyone wants a 24/7 relationship and that’s cool. But if you want to be in a relationship, you have to BE IN IT! And that means spending time with the person. Otherwise, you don’t really want a relationship.

For some women who have taken themselves out of the loop for a long period of time, they get very used to and feel satisfied with going to work and coming home at night. Often there isn’t much of a social aspect. If this has happened to you, please ask yourself these questions and answer honestly, "Am I really OK with being alone so much, or have I grown accustomed to it? Have I become socially lazy?

If you can honestly answer yes, you enjoy all the alone time, more power to you! Being content with where you are is an amazing achievement. But if you are pushing down feelings of loneliness by saying you don’t want to be bothered, this is limiting your life and your opportunities for growth and joy.

I encouraged Betsy to talk with John and negotiate a schedule that can make them both happy. She said she would do that. I pointed out that if she doesn’t find a way, she’d be right back to where she was before, lonely and sitting on the couch with her feet up watching TV every night.

I sure hope she stretches past her comfort zone to find the room in her home, in her schedule and in her heart for this man. A man isn’t the answer for everything, but it sure can be nice to have a good man around.

Dating After Divorce: Jellyfish Breakup

Ronnie — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 14:48:06 +0000

I’ve been coaching an under 30 something guy, helping him with his break up. My heart goes out to him because he was in deep and his girl was taking him for a ride.

Dan bought his girlfriend moved in together. Everything was blissful until Dan lost his job. That was a big blow to his ego and he says the situation may have caused him to be suddenly needy. Dan admits that he probably called Jill too often at work because he was board or lonely and may have required too much of her attention. Or maybe more than she had bargained for originally.

Jill started to pull away, fights broke out regularly, and both were miserable. Here’s where it gets interesting. Jill made a new rule that she didn’t want to discuss the relationship. Then she moved out, but left all her stuff. She still called and texted him. They still went out on dates.

But Jill refused to discuss what was going on and claimed she simply needed some space while he got his poo-poo together. And she wished he could reclaim his confidence – to be the man he was when she first met him vs. this new clingy guy.

Needless to say, Dan was pulling his hair out, didn’t know what to do and contacted me.

I found the whole thing fascinating because from my perspective, Jill was playing the traditional man’s role in this scenario. "I don’t want to talk about it" is usually what the guy says right? Well not this time.

I confirmed for Dan that this was a tough one especially since no discussion was possible. How can you negotiate or compromise when you can’t talk about things? You know where my recommendation is going don’t you?

Let go of Jill I told him. Tell her to come get her stuff and don’t be home for her pack-up party. Kick her to the curb to quote a good friend of mine. This is truly the only next step available for a self-respecting soul.

But Dan just couldn’t do it. He kept calling her, pleading with her, questioning her about what went wrong and how he could change things back to the way they were. It’s very sad. Things rarely go back -it almost never happens. What’s worse, chasing after Jill didn’t make Dan look confident did it? Nope, he looked even more needy than ever which had become a big turn-off for Jill.

That’s why the kick her to the curb suggestion – because anyone with self-respect and a spine would stop the drama and end it. I suggested to Dan that he could simply tell her that he’d like to continue the relationship anytime she wanted to move back in and be committed again. So he didn’t have to end on a bad note -that still leaves the door open – but for a healthy relationship.

Jill, in reaction to the changes Dan was going through, had made this an impossible situation. She wouldn’t break up with Dan, and she wouldn’t stay with him either. But she kept calling him. Now what is that indecision on her part about? They both a part in this heart-wrenching drama. Perhaps neither one has the backbone required to move forward.

Jellyfish don’t have spines or a backbone. They flutter around and repeat the same mistakes over and over again, stating that they just can’t help it. You can hear them repeating the sad mantra -"I can’t help it, I can’t help it"

I reached out to Dan to explain that helping himself is EXACTLY what is required. No one else can take charge of his life. No one else can regain that self-respect for him. I hope he finds the inner strength to get her stuff out of his place and out of his sight. Only space and time can heal these wounds and the sooner Jill’s stuff is out, the sooner he can start the healing phase.

If you ever find yourself in this situation where your partner has one foot in and one foot out, kick him or her to the curb. If you want to, you can tell the person to return when s/he decide s/he is ready to be "all-in.". Nothing else is fair to you. You can’t negotiate when you are on uneven ground. You both have to be in it to work through it.

In case things start getting a little briny in your relationship and the smell of the ocean at low tide comes to mind, remember that s when you usually see those poor jellyfish, beached on the sandy shore. Not a good vision. Let it motivate you out of any jellyfish tendencies that may be lurking in your mind and stand up for yourself.

Healthy and alone is far better than being jerked around and taken advantage of. And let’s not forget- there are countless other fish in the sea – most with excellent skeletal systems.

Dating After Divorce: Three Ways to Scare off a New Man – Happy Halloween!

Ronnie — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 13:24:48 +0000

Boo! It’s Halloween, one of favorite holidays. And a great backdrop for talking about dating. Halloween is about the fun of being frightened and scary things that go bump in the night. All of that has its place. But the last thing you want to do is scare off a new man in your life. Here are three ways you might inadvertently frighten your date away and how to avoid them.

1) Staunchly Independent
You are an independent woman who doesn’t "really" need a man. I get it. But that is the last thing you want him to feel. Most men want to feel needed. Not by a needy woman – that’s something different. But to do man things for you. Help with your car, fix stuff, carry hearvy things. A staunchly independent woman who wears that status boldly and talks about it directly can be off putting. You know you can take care of yourself and more power to you! But, don’t send him packing before you get to know him.

You can be independent all you want – just don’t flaunt it in his face. Let him open the door for you, order the wine, pick up the check. Let him have the traditional role and "be the man." If you want to be your most attractive, be yourself, be warm and receptive, and be easy to please and appreciative of his efforts.

2) Trying on the Future
When you meet a wonderful man, it’s hard not to get caught up in the excitement. That is the fun part of dating. However, if you start doodling your name with his, if you think how his surname sounds with your first name before the second date (and you know you do this sometimes) that is a very scary thing. Don’t plan your future before you have one. Stay in the present moment. Anything can happen – and that’s to move the relationship forward or to cut it short.

When you lean into the future, you may appear anxious. And anxious might look like neediness – Oh no! That is often the downhill slide for a man. So avoid over thinking the future. Stay present, keep your eyes open and know that it will all unfold with time.

3) Fixing Him Up a Bit
Let me tell you straight out – you cannot change a man. You cannot change anyone, except yourself and event that’s not so easily done. The only thing you can change about a man is his clothing and his hair – maybe, if you’re lucky. But that’s it.

He is who he is. Your attempts to improve him could be taken as a lack of appreciation for who he is right now. That’s not good and doesn’t bode well for your budding relationship. Pushing him to change is a great way to push him away.

Yet, this is a mistake that women make all the time. I remember myself thinking about a guy and wishing I could just mix together a good part of someone else with the new guy’s qualities to have the perfect partner. We all have done this from time to time. Does it work out? Nope.

So refrain from fixing him. Appreciate who he is right now. And if you cannot do that, he’s probably not the right man for you.

How to Enjoy hte Magic
There are many more chilling things women do to chase men away, like not returning phone calls, taking about your ex, complaining that all men stink, etc., but we’ll save that for a rainy day. In the mean time, if you are dating someone who seems to be in your ball park for the qualities you seek, smile at him, praise his efforts, give him a warm reception and enjoy the magic that is falling in love.

Happy Halloween!

Dating Over 40: Halloween Hottie or Harlot?

Ronnie — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 13:22:53 +0000

My good friend and fellow dating advisor, Terry Hernon MacDonald wrote an excellent post on her blog about Halloween costumes. Terry feels that in recent years, women have taken to wearing more revealing costumes with plunging necklines and sky-high FMP heels. She wonders what happened to looking pretty. Her main concern of course is that prancing around in a slutty-looking costume will attract the wrong kind of male attention. And I must agree!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a huge fan of dressing up for Halloween . Wearing a mask and creating a new persona definitely lowers inhibitions which is what makes this the perfect singles holiday. It’s so easy to start conversations with strangers come up with comments about the get-ups. Just be conscious of what message you want to send with your outfit..

I’m not a prude either and I totally get that you want to look hot. Go for it! However, keep in mind that leaving something to the imagination is a huge part of attraction. Less is more. Not less clothing, but less revealing. Attraction and fantasy go hand in hand, so please leave him something to think about.

Choose a flattering costume that shows off what you’ve got, but show a sense of taste as well. If you’re just looking to party – go ahead and don that hoochie mama look. But if you want to attract a good man of substance, use a bit more restraint. You’ll still look hot, without letting it all hang out.

Dating Over 40: Are you Holding Back in Your Relationship?

Ronnie — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 20:26:58 +0000

Maribeth has been dating Ben for more then 6 months. I hear from her frequently with questions and updates on how things are going. She just went away for their first weekend trip and they really got along and had a wonderful time together. That’s good news!

But not good enough perhaps. Seems Ben just doesn’t have the affectionate nature that Maribeth desires. He’s honest, straight forward, has a good sense of humor, a strong s-e-x drive, is generous. But Ben gets just a "C" for affection.

Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting more affection. But what surprised me is what Maribeth was doing about creating this. Nothing. So I’m surprised to hear that she’s WAITING for Ben to be affectionate rather than initiating some affection herself. I asked her, if you want to hold his hand, have you simply reached for it? She said, "No."

Let’s get clear about dating protocol. After six months, you are not dating any more. You are in a relationship. All that holding off, holding back, letting the man lead stuff softens with time. Often the woman starts making the social arrangements and I would think initiating intimacy if desired. Why not affection too?

Turns out Maribeth has been totally letting Ben lead. She has not shifted into relationship mode but remains stuck in just dating. Maribeth is in her relationship, but hanging out on the sidelines. She’s still observing, critiquing and measuring. It makes sense to keep your eyes open, but what happens when you continually view your situation from the outside? You cannot be in two places at once. So Maribeth lives her relationship from the sidelines.

My suggestion? Jump in and get into the middle of the relationship. At a dance, you can’t fully experience the fun if you are dancing alone on the edge of the dance floor. Oh no. You want to be in the thick of the whirling swirling bodies, shaking and bobbing to the music. That’s where it’s happening. And the same thing is true for relationships.

I suggested to Maribeth that if she wanted a kiss, ask for one. Or lean over and kiss him. If she wants to hold hands, do it. If she wants to snuggle on the couch while watching TV, move over and snuggle up. Don’t over do it. You don’t want to crowd or smother they guy. But when you want some affection, get it started. Sometimes men are relieved and pleased when they don’t have to start everything.

If you are a woman who has been dating your guy for over six months, admit you are in a relationship. If it’s not the right relationship, then move on. If you are uncertain about the rightness, the best way to really know is to pretend you are happy to see what happens next.

When you hold back and watch from the sidelines, you will never really know how you feel. Because you are not really involved. When you hold yourself separate – the man will sense it. He will feel it. And if he is serious about you, you will start to make him wonder. That’s not what you want is it?

Take the chance. if the man you are dating is a good man, you have enough in common, you seem to want the same things out of life and you enjoy each other’s company, then open your heart and let him in. Jump into the middle of the dance floor of life and stop waiting on the sidelines being cautious. While I’m a big believer in cautiousness, there is a time and place for everything. Give the good guys a real shot at making you happy to experience the full potential of what the two of you can have together.

Dating After Divorce: Vacationing from Dating?

Ronnie — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 16:22:04 +0000

Sometimes you just need a break from dating. Maybe you recently exited a relationship. Or you just had too many bad dates in a row. It happens. Taking a break from the dating scene can really help refresh you, let go of some negative thinking and disengage from bad habits. This is a great strategy…as long as it’s just a temporary vacation.

If you have recently ended a relationship, then healing is a must before re-entering the dating game. Rebound relationships may help you get over your ex, but it’s not always the healthiest way to go about healing. And it can create casualties, regarding your dates, if you know what I mean. So a dating vacation is most definitely in order. Time to regroup, recharge your battery, regain your confidence, re-think what works for you.

How long does this take? Well it does differ from person to person. It depends on why your relationship ended. And your previous relationship baggage. And your family dynamics. It’s so involved! Let’s just say it depends on many variables and how you process things. If you were involved for a while it will probably take longer than if you’ve had a string of bad dates.

Clients often ask me, "How can I get ready faster?" Interesting question.

There are a number of steps you can take and methods to use to move through the healing process with intention. You can’t really skip any steps in your process. But you can change your focus – which changes your energy, which can move you forward a bit faster.

Here are a few tips that are incredibly powerful for letting go and moving on:

1. Pulling Strings.
This is a visualization in which you imagine there are strings attaching you and your ex. Notice where these strings are attached to your body and then one by one, you imagine gently pulling them free from where ever they are attached. After, spend time healing the spots to close up the connection. I have even heard of people who visualize burning those strings to make sure they don’t re-attach themselves later. This can be a very empowering exercise to free you from a connection that no longer serves you.

2. Prayer
While I’m not religious, I do believe in God or a God -force. To pray for help in moving on is a strong method to focus your energy on what you DO WANT . Ask for the God of your choice to help guide you and free you from your connection to your ex, and help heal you to find love once again. You can also ask the angels to help. The power of prayer is undeniable, regardless of your religious beliefs. Countless double blind studies have proved time and time again that people who are ill and prayed for, even without knowing it, heal faster.

3. Chant
I’m big on chanting and make up new chants to focus my thoughts and energy on whatever my new goal is. To lose weight, heal a friendship that isn’t working, make a business connection or let go of a lover. it just works. Pick a tune you know – something simple like a child’s song (Twinkle Twinkle Little Star has been used frequently!) and change the words to express your intention. I have a whole CD of chants – some to let go of love and others to attract love. Find out more here.

Then, once you have used one or all of these techniques, Don’t let yourself off the hook. If you are serious about finding love, you’ll need to end that dating vacation at some point and get back into gear. Looking for love is worth it. No one ever looks back after finding love and says, "What a waste of time that was!" Find a way to restore your faith and get back out there to attract and find the love you want and deserve.

Dating Over 40: John Edwards’ Cheating Heart

Ronnie — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 15:37:05 +0000

My friend Terry, author of How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams has a funny video of Jon Stewart from the Daily Show on Comedy Central – berating Senator John Edwards on his adultery. I have got to start watching his show – very clever and funny – reminds me of Bill Maher, another comedian who builds a show around the news.

Senator Edwards made some incredibly stupid comments when discussing his transgression. He said it was during a period when his wife was in remission – uh – yeah, that’s an excuse – Oh she was healthy so that makes it better?

He mentioned several times that no one in his family was to blame – uh duh? Could he blame his children or his wife? Only he has control, or lack there of over his little head shall we say.

Then he tapped his heart repeatedly claiming this is where his wife resides. Oh really? So that’s how you treat a woman who resides in your heart? What a fool. Doesn’t he know the less said the better? There is no excuse. He would have been better off just saying I did it, I got caught, I’m sorry. End of story. Anything more is like salt in the wound and makes him sound like a complete buffoon.

Now I’m not commenting on whether or not his wife should forgive him or where they go from here. That is a totally personal decision and I can’t make that one for anyone else. And I can’t even comment on what I would do in that situation. Frankly, I pray I don’t have to ever make that decision. And my heart goes out to anyone who has been in this predicament.

I do have a friend whose husband cheated on her during the first year of marriage when she was pregnant with their first child. She caught him, they fought a lot. Then she forgave him. But 20 years later she still doesn’t trust him even though she has never caught him cheating again. On the other hand, they have been happy, raised two children and really enjoy each other’s company. so you can see why I am at a loss to give my perspective. I just don’t know. For my friend, she feels she made the right choice and really that is all that matters.

My only comment would pertain to a person who has been caught cheating multiple times. I suppose someone could slip up once, And then refrain from repeating such a mistake. But if cheating is a habit, that’s a whole different can of worms.

If you have 4-5 minutes, you can watch the video on Terry’s blog The video is actually a little over 6 minutes but the end includes comedy about our president at the Olympics – off topic, although you may want to see the whole thing if you have the time.

Enjoy!