Singles in America Survey

According to the second annual Singles in America Survey conducted on behalf of Match.com, only 12.7% of singles today are actively looking for a relationship! Can you believe that?

As a dating coach for women, I find this number shocking. And yet, maybe not when I really think about it. Over the last 10 years I’ve heard it all so here’s another statistic that more accurately reflects my professional experience. Nearly half of American singles (46.8%) would “consider” a relationship if they met the right person. However, they aren’t doing anything about it!

I cannot tell you how many people don’t want to be bothered looking for love. They claim they don’t know where to look or how to get started, or even more amazing, don’t know how to be friendly with the opposite sex.

Sadly, this is the statistic I see play out which explains why so many women and men remain single.

If you are one of these people who would like to have love in your life, but aren’t motivated to seek it out, let me share an extremely important fact:

Love isn’t like spontaneous combustion, bursting into flames on its own. Even with Valentine’s Day approaching, Cupid doesn’t simply draw his bow to magically bring love to your doorstep. If you want love, YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING TO FIND IT!

I call this the Lazy Lover Syndrome and while I knew it was prevalent, I had no idea that nearly half the US population felt this way. Even last night I spoke with a client who asked me why she had to flirt and be friendly. After all, isn’t it the man’s job to pursue her?

There it is in a nutshell – Lazy Lover Syndrome. “Why do I have to do anything?” There is an incredibly simple explanation. If you want love, then it’s up to you to attract and find it. You have to be actively engaged in the dating process. At the very least, you have to get out to meet new people so you can cross paths with the men who might be looking for a woman like you right? He won’t find you on your couch!

While it’s my job to help formulate your dating plan, find ways to keep you feeling positive, and unravel the confusion and mystery that constitutes dating, I cannot “make” you do anything. I cannot motivate you to become an active dater.

But, there is extremely good news that these statistics deliver. This is the silver lining I promised you in the headline:

With such a small portion of the population looking for love, you now have far less competition than you ever dreamed!

That’s right – think about it. With 17% in relationships, and only 13% actively seeking, that leaves 70% of the other women out of the dating pool! I would hope that makes you feel a lot better about your chances of finding love. Because IF you are willing to get out there to meet people, statistically, you have very few women to compete with. (Even if it doesn’t “look” this way.)

Love is worth it!  As my matchmaker friend  Nicole LeClerc from Compatibles in Vermont often says, “No one looks back after finding love at their dating experience to say, ‘That was a waste of time!’ “The truth is, once you find love, you know that everything you went through to make that connection was completely worthwhile. I found love over 40 which is why I KNOW you can do it too.

Photo Credit: Aunt Owwee’s

The Dating Goddess

I read a great post on the Dating Goddess’s blog about what language choice has to say about who your date is. I think there is a lot of information in how a person expresses him or herself and much that we can learn.

The Dating Goddess (DG) is a very successful business consultant whose work takes her around the world. She’s also an award winning blogger on the topic of dating. As an independent woman she brings up this very interesting topic and shares how she prefers that men make requests rather than issue commands. Overall, I tend to agree.

DG shares an example out of song that plays during a workout from her gym. The line in the song says” Slide on over here baby” which in terms of English structure is a command vs. a request. The lyric doesn’t ask the woman to slide over, but tells her directly what he wants. DG points out that some women might consider this a request because the woman doesn’t have to do as he says -  she is free to choose to comply or not.

In addition, the Dating Goddess admits there is a sliding scale on commands. In other words, a couple of commands can be endured, but there is a tipping point when this type of communication becomes unappealing. Agreed! She also acknowledges that some might think a man asking a question is not as masculine. Depends on the command and how its delivered.

Here’s my response to DG and I’d love to hear what you think as well so please share below.

*****

DG – I agree that you can tell a lot about a person from their use of language. I also think there’s a time and place for everything.

Instead of your “slide on over here baby” example, let’s look at a different one. What if a man asks, “Can I kiss you?” Some women might be fine with that. However, many would feel awkward. They’d prefer he just took a shot to kiss rather than making them say “Yes” first before he plants his lips.

I get it that independent women don’t want to be ordered around. I love the line from an old favorite movie “Working Girl” with Melanie Griffith. She yells at her boyfriend, telling him, “I am not steak. You cannot just order me.” (I know that’s close).

On the other hand, many independent women want a man who is an alpha male; a man who can lead, take charge, and – act like a man. Is it realistic to expect an alpha male to be ultra considerate and rephrase all his thoughts as requests?

To me, if a good man get’s it right most of the time, let’s cut him a little slack and “slide over”.  All relationships require some compromise right?

*****

As a dating coach, here are three things I want you to think about:

1. How do you communicate your preferences? What’s good for the gander is good for the goose right?
2. You can more flies with honey – an old adage that holds true today more than ever since everyone is in such a hurry. A little sweetness can go a long way.
3. Everyone is entitled to a few nitpicks and quirks. However, what might you lighten up on to leave yourself more room for a man to appeal?

Start Dating After Divorce

After Divorce Dating Advice

Are you ready to start dating after divorce?  The first thing that can help you decide is to determine how open you are.

• Is your heart open and free to love another?
• Are you open to meeting new men and the possibility of finding one who is right for you?
• Do you appreciate men and what they have to offer

If you have answered these questions with a “Yes” congratulations! You are ready to get out there, meet and mingle and have fun. That’s a great place to be. With a positive outlook on your chances of finding love, your magnetic pull is likely strong and vibrant.

Many of my dating coaching clients did not take the time to ask themselves these questions before embarking on the dating journey. Truth is you can start any time. However, your results are directly correlated with your attitudes. They are a reflection on your openness. What this means is, dating works best once you get yourself into a positive, open place.

If you still feel resentment and anger about your ex…
If you still love your ex…
If ou are unsure about your own lovability…

Then you might need to do a bit more healing in order to be more attractive on the dating scene.

Please don’t feel bad about this. Where you are is perfect for what you need. Taking the time to heal, build confidence and a healthy positive self-image to ensure your success is very smart dating strategy. You’ll have far more enjoyable experiences when you are in a good space.

Start Dating After Divorce with an Open Mind and Heart

Once you take care of your own needs, then you are ready to starting dating again! Because looking for a new man to solve all your problems, will not likely bring you the healthy, lasting love you seek. How many women do you know try this method to feel better about themselves? Have you seen it work? Have you tried covering up your pain with a new love?  Not the best idea.

Here are three things you can do to build inner strength, reclaim your power as a woman, and be ready to start dating after divorce:

1. Focus on self care.
This can include pampering, energetic healing work, therapy, read self help books, get back into shape with a trainer or exercise on your own, have a make over, work with an image consultant. etc. You don’t have to do all of these things – choose the ones that will make the biggest impact for you.

2. Notice your inner chatter about men.
Do you criticize every man you see walking down the road? Or do you notice anything good about the guys you pass by? If you have an active inner critic of men, follow up by working to notice something good about the men too. This might take some practice, but its a very worthwhile effort because it changes you mindset dramatically, opening you to the idea that many men have good qualities.

3. Take the Pressure off.
Right out of the gate, just take the pressure off yourself. Instead of hoping to meet Mr. Wonderful immediately, why not just meet new people? Get used to being friendly and social. Build your mingling skills. Be open to simply enjoying the people you meet and having fun!

This is so important because when you pressure yourself to meet the right man right away, you may be missing out on the good guys. Many prospects who aren’t the players or have the smooth talking charm, can easily get overlooked, but will probably be much better matches.

Give these suggestions a try and watch how your dating life improves. Feel good about yourself, know good men are out there and start connecting with the quality guys you deserve.

Wishing you love,
Ronnie

p.s. If you’re not ready to start dating after divorce, don’t worry. The more gentle you are with yourself, the more easily this will turn around.

Photo Credit: Lee and Chatelle McArthur

Find Lasting, Love at Any Age

Some women are quite content being single. They have consciously chosen their single status and have been very happy with that choice. I am all for happiness, in or out of relationship :-)

However, what is really important is to be honest with yourself about your desires…Because if you choose to remain single and “be done with men” to avoid being hurt, then that may not be your TRUE or ultimate desire. And you may end up with some regrets.

I recently spoke with Claire, a woman of 68 who had been married for over 20 years and had four children that were now grown with families of their own. She got divorced from her husband in her late 40′s and relished her freedom.  Claire had an adventurous spirit, took many lovers and tells fabulous, delicious stories that are book-worthy.

Eight years ago, Claire purposely chose to not bother with men any more. She said she had had enough. She took on other adventures like traveling and redecorating her home and she enjoyed all of that too. Now at 68, she is wondering if she made the best choices. Why?

• Was it because she didn’t enjoy her life? Absolutely not.
• Was it because she didn’t have the support of a good man? Nope.
• Was it because she didn’t have a loving partner today? Not that either.

Claire told me she came to realize she doesn’t have a man in her life who has known her for years. Looking back, she sees that even though she has incredible and fun memories, she doesn’t have a man to share them with and this gave her pause to wonder about her choices. She feels there would have been value and comfort in a second, long-term romantic relationship, more than her gallivanting provided.

This realization came to her when talking to a girlfriend in her 50′s. Sharon, now divorced, has had her own share of flings and fun with men. Now she too is tired of all that excitement and not being able to count on men. (Not that she was chooisng men by their ability to be counted on, stable or monogamous.)

That’s when it came to Claire about her own situation. As she  shared about her own love life, Claire recommended that Sharon not rush into that decision to “be done” with men.

As a dating coach for women who are dating over 40 or dating after divorce, I encouraged Claire to keep in mind that she could still choose to find love again. While they won’t have all the history between them, they can create a new history and build a new foundation. After all, Claire has the skills to interact with men romantically. The first step is for her to DECIDE she wants a man in her life again.

Claire decided to go for it!

If you who are reading this post and have avoided men to keep yourself safe from the pain of love, ask yourself if you’ve been holding back from a deep, truer desire that lies beneath the safety net you created. If you want a loving relationship, but have fears about it, you are not alone in those fears. Many woman share them and the good news is there are ways to work through them.

As your dating coach, I don’t want you to look back later with regrets that you could have made different choices.  

Take time to assess your true desires and be honest with yourself.

If you are happy as a single woman – that is awesome! But, if you secretly wish things were different, wish you were in a lasting, loving relationship, please be BOLD and DECIDE to do something about it.

 Photo Credit: Lawrence OP

Dating After Divorce & Dating Over 40

As a dating coach for women who are dating over 40 or dating after divorce, I hear a lot about the need for chemistry. My clients talk about instant chemistry, hot chemistry, sparks flying, etc. You get the picture and you probably have your own description of this as well.

While I agree, there has to be attraction for a relationship to work, I’m going to tell you something that you might think is absolutely sacrilegious:

Hot chemistry is not an indication of a long-lasting partner.

What? How can I say that? Because I’ve lived it myself, I’ve read a lot about this topic by the experts and I’ve spoken to thousands of people about this requirement.

Hot chemistry, that sizzling, spark flying feeling is about lust and a great sexual partner. Unfortunately, that man often doesn’t have staying power regarding relationship vs. sexual satisfaction. Think about it. Right now, take a moment to think about the hottest guys you’ve been with.

• Did those relationships last more than a few months?
• Were the guys good to you and treat you well?
• Did you fight a lot followed by hot “make up sex”?

This is nature’s trick on women. I don’t know why. The men who seem the hottest to you most often disappoint you, break your heart, and leave you wondering what happened. After all, how could a man walk away from such passion? For one thing – there’s always more passion and another woman.

Yet, you pine for Mr. Chemistry. You miss him deeply and think with chemistry like that, the relationship was “meant to be.” But, I want you to hear this message loud and clear:

When you find a relationship that is “Meant To Be”,
it continues, it’s more joyful than drama-filled, and
you bring out the best in each other.

If you had a relationship that was hot and steamy and it ended, don’t go looking for a replacement with similar qualities. Enjoy those memories and be grateful you had a good time. But, WAKE UP. Open your eyes, heart and mind to seek a good man, a man with lasting power (not just in the bedroom). Look to meet men who are compatible in all areas that are important for a healthy, loving relationship.

Such qualities include honesty, integrity, a similar view of life and the world, money and work ethic, acceptance of each other’s religious beliefs, compatible life styles, some overlapping interests, and an appreciation for each other’s sense of humor. These are indicators of long-term potential in a man and a relationship.

You know how women say a man thinks with his little head vs. his big head sometimes? Same thing goes for you! Don’t think with your vajayjay. Use your head, not just your heart and nether regions. Those two parts of you are not always the best at making decisions about love. You know this is true because you start doing foolish things you regret to keep him around way past the good times.

If you want a satisfying, long-term, loving relationship, start thinking of other qualities first besides chemistry. You can still find someone you are attracted to and have good chemistry with. It might not be the super hot, totally engulfing chemistry – but that’s when you know you are onto a man who could be a really good match for life.

Photo Credit: zhouxuan

Dr. Pat Allen

Are you a successful career woman?
Do you have a high-paying powerful job?
Are you a chick in charge?
Do you have an independent streak that runs deep?

If you answered “Yes” to any of the above four questions, congratulations on your success in life and business! That is great to have competed with men, gotten a top paying job, and to be in such a powerful position.

Now, have you been trying to meet men by using these same, well-honed skills that work for you in every other aspect of your life? Oh- oh. That’s a problem. These skills don’t translate well to your love life.

You see, the vast majority of men don’t like to be in romantic relationship with the same women they compete with at work. Competition and romance clash and require a different set of behaviors. A lot of women who I meet as a dating coach don’t like to hear this. They rather believe that the way they go about dating and looking for guys is perfectly fine, even if it hasn’t worked well yet.

Powerful men want a feminine woman for several reasons. First of all, a feminine woman makes him feel more masculine. This type of man often wants to take of a woman. Your staunch independence may suit you well, but it will not be a turn on for him. Not that you need to be helpless or a doormat, but you have to be able and willing to give a man opportunities to feel needed.

So if you are a successful career woman, what can you do to shift gears and get your femininity going for you?

Dr. Pat Allen is well known for her male/female communication work called “Androgynous Semantic Realignment”.  She tells her clients to take 30-60 minutes at the end of their day to turn off their business masculine side. Ways to accomplish this include sitting by the beach, feeding the birds, exercise, shopping, pampering and shutting off your cellphone. Once you have decompressed, then you can go out to look for guys or spend time with your man.

She even suggests setting up a system with your man not to call during the day so he doesn’t get exposed to (or turned off by) your masculine brief and directive communication style. Her book, Getting To I Do, she claims is hated by most business women. But once they get serious about finding a husband, they reconsider and pick it up again.

Do you decompress before you go on a date or spend time with your man?
Do you greet your man with a smile?
Or do you dump all your frustration from the day on him?

I highly recommend finding a way to decompress and reconnect with your feminine side. The part of you who is warm, inviting, caring, sweet, friendly, soothing, flirty, positive and fun. Since you were born a girl – leverage that advantage.

You can be as equal as you want all day long at work, but for romance to blossom and stay strong, don’t compete with your man. Don’t use your masculine energy with him. Be a woman. Rely on your feminine side. That’s what men are attracted to – because this brings balance their energy and their world.

Take a lesson from Dr. Pat. Put your alpha side away when you want romance and see how  well that can work for you!

Ask a Dating Coach for Help

This article is a guest blog by Fred Gansky who owns the site www.LASinglesSociety.com 

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Dating and relationships are far from precise entities and as best that I can remember, none of us took courses in school to increase our skill and knowledge levels in these areas. So, why is it after repeated mistakes, failures and embarrassments, we are still resistant to seeking help that might increase our likelihood of success?

I know women who can cook, but still take cooking classes. I know men who play golf who still take guidance on their swing. What are all those women doing with makeup artists at cosmetics counters? They’re learning! And, how many of us have been taught how to be better stock pickers or investors?

We are taught things all of the time, but when it comes to love and relationships, too few seek out worthy counselors who might aid them. People have no problem learning how to hit a backhand, but when it comes to learning how to be a better dater, too many seem reticent to admit that they could use outside help.

Is it a pride thing? Is seeking help in this area a statement that one is a failure, but learning a second language, how to shoot better pictures, paint sunsets, or downhill ski, doesn’t illicit such an emotion?

It is often the mark of maturity, wisdom, and perhaps self-awareness to know one’s limitations. This is especially true when dating after divorce or dating over 40. We can’t all be experts on every subject. And, if we are not dealing with certain subjects regularly, the task is even more difficult. That’s why a fresh approach, a different set of eyes, and an objective perspective may be just what you need to find success in the boomer dating game.

If you are dating over 40 and are truly committed to finding a relationship, I highly suggest you consider getting a coach’s help. There are hundreds of coaches in this field all over the country. I have over 50 writers contributing to my site. Most of them are dating coaches like Ronnie Ann Ryan. Read about the coach’s background and philosophy. See who your gut tells you might be the best fit, then call and speak to her. Interview her and ask questions. See if she captures your attention and earns your comfort and trust.

If you are dating over 40 or dating after divorce, and rigidly insist you don’t need coaching, then simply ask yourself, “Am I content with my current status?” Most assuredly, if you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’ll keep getting what you have been getting. To get new and better results, try something new. Hire a dating coach!

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Thanks Fred for this pitch on hiring a dating coach. I have worked with thousands of women to jump start or accelerate their search for love. People who follow my advice do get results! I’ve had many success stories, from marriage to long-term companionship.  If you get started now, you might have a date for New Year’s! 

To get started, simply give me a call at 203-877-3777 right now.

Filamina has been a dating coaching client for a short time, having had maybe only four sessions. She’s 62, widowed and has been single for 5 years . She wanted to get back out there to see if she might find love again.

Our sessions have been very interesting. Filamina is open to my suggestions and takes our discussions to heart. We’ve talked about where to meet men, how to enrich and expand her world, what to expect from men in today, and how to be open and approachable to men.

Where did she go to meet men? Filamina went to lectures in NY, dances in PA and went to a local bar/restaurant with a friend even though she’s not a “bar type” person. After each event, we talked about what happened, what to try next time and how to shift her perspective when she may have had  the wrong idea about how things work. Overall, Filamina was enjoying her exploration and experiences out there in the singles world.

Apparently, Filamina was serious about putting her new skills to work. She just emailed me to say she has  met someone unexpectedly! She’s in a whirlwind of  activity and  super busy, but having a ball. As her over 40 dating coach, I couldn’t be happier!

Sometimes you meet someone quickly, sometimes it takes longer. I had a male client, a 64 year old widower who was happ, yet shocked to have met a great woman after dating only two months.

Partly, he wanted to sew some wild oats since he’d been married for 40+ years. But he also knew a good thing when he saw it and recognized the perils of playing the field and trying to hold onto a good woman.  He opted for the relationship and is very happy with his choice.

If you are over 60, you can still find love and romance. And it might not take nearly as much effort as you think. If you are open to meeting new people, trying new things and getting out of the house to mix and mingle, you will expand your world and vastly increase your chances of finding a great partner. Ask Filamina!

My husband has an annoying habit. He loves to walk in the woods, but somehow always manages to find a trail that leads uphill for the entire trek (or most of it.) I despise physical challenge. I walk the treadmill with absolutely no incline – I mean flat.

We  pull off Rt. 9 into Molly Stark State Park which seemed quite nice at first. Paul checked in with the park ranger as requested, paid the fee and got the map of trails. He came back very excited because there was a lookout tower  with a great view. The ranger assured him it was not a steep climb, just a moderate hike.  

Apparently, we have a very different perspective on what “not steep” means.

 We begin the walk (or should I say climb?) Immediately the path becomes very steep – maybe a 45 degree angle. Tree roots jut out every where and I am huffing and puffing. Paul says it’s only eight tenths of a mile so this shouldn’t take that long. (We were in the woods for  nearly two hours total!)

After about 45 minutes I was crying uncle. Sorry, I was not having fun. I suggested to Paul that he go up and I would continue at my own pace. Paul went off at a good clip.

While alone in the woods, I had plenty of time to think about things. What came to mind was the weekend we got engaged. We were in Northern VT, near Jay Peak ski area. We entered the park and looked at the mountain (which was deceiving) and decided to climb up to the top. I didn’t know any better back then.

Two hours later, two people sped passed us. I shouted over to them, “Do you know how much further it is to the top?”  They replied, “You’re doing great – only another  hour.” Another hour? %#%#*&!!! 

I was so done and wanted nothing to do with going further. Paul tried to encourage me by saying he’d ask me to marry him officially at the top. I sniped at him, “I already have the ring!”

But I did keep going and we made it. What a beautiful view. Breathtaking (literally for me). Paul did ask me to marry him, officially, once we  sat down and started breathing normally again.

Both climbs were reminiscent of my dating journey. It had truly felt like an uphill battle for many months. I dated 30 men in 15 months cramming 20 years of dating into a little over one year. It was fun. It was hell. It was joyous and devastating. It was worth every moment once I got to the end of the trail (or the top of the mountain) by marrying such a wonderful guy.

If you feel like your dating journey has been an exhausting uphill climb, please remember my story. Perhaps it will encourage you and give you hope that it will all be worth it. I share this story will all my dating coaching clients to inspire and provide proof that finding love after 40 is possible and real.

I have a matchmaker friend Nicole LeClerc of www.Compatibles.com who I actually met while teaching a workshop in Burlington, VT. Nicole says that no one looks back at their dating journey, once they’ve found lasting love, and complains that it was a waste of time. Very wise Nicole. And very true.

Keep your trek going. Take breaks when you have to and enjoy the time when things seems to level out.  Know that whatever you go through, no matter how crappy things seem, it will all be water under the bridge once you are with the right man for you.

I found love after 40. That’s why I am so certain it can happen for you  as well.

Photo Credit: Brent Danley