Dating as a Widow: Man Pulls Away to “Slow Things Down”

Dear Ronnie,

I’m 62 and have been a widow for five years. Finally I felt ready to try my luck at dating, and at the beginning of December, I met a new guy at a dance. I took an instant liking to Fred and he felt the same way about me. Our relationship escalated quickly after that night. He called me several times a day and we saw each other frequently - four or more times per week, spending the entire weekend together. I was totally enjoying the experience.

Then, just before the holidays, he retreated. Basically disappeared, Stopped calling.  I wracked my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong. I just couldn’t take it anymore not knowing, so I called him and asked him directly,  ”What’s going on?” Fred was slow to reply but after some teeth-pulling he told me that it was all too fast for him. Even though he’s been divorced more than 6 years, he was questioning his readiness for such an intense relationship.

This made me crazy because the speed and intensity were totally his doing! I would have been fine with a slower approach, but he seemed to be high gear - I just went with it. I must admit it was very romantic.

Fred explained that he’d like to see me again, but  wants to take things slower. I agreed because  I’m not seeing anyone else and I like him. I did tell him that I planned to keep up with my dating activity, although I haven’t met anyone of interest at all.

I’m  confused about where we’re going. We see each other once or twice a week and he calls me regularly – maybe 5 times a week. What do you think is going on? I’d appreciate any insight. My goal is to find a man who will be in a committed, life-long relationship. I’m afraid to bring this up and was thinking I should wait to see what happens until maybe June.

– Louisiana Lady

Dear LL,

Fred wanted to slow things down because he didn’t want the intensity of your relationship? Yet,  he talks to you almost daily and sees you consistently. Don’t ask yourself what YOU did wrong! To me, it looks like Fred wants the benefits of  a relationship without the commitment.

John Gray of Venus and Mars fame, talks about this pulling away as “retreating into the cave.” Not all men are cave dwellers, but when they do retreat, the time away and reasons why vary. It seems to me that  Fred freaked himself out which makes me think he has some intimacy issues.

However, here’s what I say to all my over 40 dating coaching clients: So much depends on how you feel about this situation. If you are happy and feel you don’t need more definition, that’s OK. And let’s keep in mind that it’s only been three months. But if you want more, you might as well bring it up.

I don’t advise waiting until June – by then you will be very attached to Fred. If you want to understand what’s going on – just ask him. His reaction will say it all:

- If he’s angry – then you have an answer – he doesn’t want more and he doesn’t want to deal with it
– If  he’s happy with things the way they are, you can decide if this meets your needs of not
– If he has an open conversation where you explore what you both want and he agrees to move forward – that would be good news!

All three are possibilities and you will have an answer, eliminating worry or feeling like you’re in the dark.

Regarding looking for other prospects while dating Fred, I doubt you can honestly say you are open and available. Fred is taking up space in your life and heart which reduces your chances of meeting anyone else. Please don’t fool yourself, thinking that because you haven’t met anyone else, there isn’t anyone better out there.

Summing Things Up
I don’t often tell my dating coaching clients to walk away. It depends on what you want and how you feel about the relationship. If you’re OK with things, keep going, but if you want more, then ask for what you want and be willing to accept the consequences. Not asking is like sticking your head in the sand and will lead to far more heartache later.

photo credit: pixie_bebe

Dating Over 40: They Weren’t the Caliber I’m Looking for

Liz is a client from NJ who is a widow over 60. She’s just starting to get back out there and dip her toes in the dating waters. We had an interesting over 40 dating coaching session yesterday.

First I congratulated Liz on getting out there. She attended a dance, went to a few lectures, and enjoyed a friend’s party. She is taking the steps to expand her social network. She ran through her list of events, reporting the news. but that’s not how coaching works. I wanted to find out her reactions to the events she attended.

She talked about the singles dance and mentioned she felt at the tail end of the age range for the group. However, Liz also stated that the men didn’t seem to be the caliber she is seeking.

“Oh really?” I responded. “How do you know?”

Liz actually didn’t have much to say. When I hear my over 40 dating coaching clients make a comment like this, it makes me very curious as to what the person really means. I have found most often, this is a sign that the client is not as open as they could be or perhaps not  ready to date.  I told Liz about this theory and she wanted to know more.

She felt the men weren’t right for her, because most of them didn’t have sports coats on. Instead they were more casually dressed with slacks, shirts and ties, but no jackets. I explained to Liz that today, people do dress more casually, but this wasn’t necessarily meaningful anyway. The only way you know someone isn’t’ of the caliber (unless the dress gap is far more obvious than just no jackets) is to TALK TO THEM.

Shocking isn’t it? When you judge people at an event, you in essence keep them at a distance. You create a wall separating you from getting to know them by saying they are different than you. Even if you may be right, how do you know for sure they aren’t good people or know someone who might be right for you?

Thankfully, Liz is a very open-minded dating coaching client. She admits that she hasn’t been out there since her 20′s – a long time ago. Liz was gracious enough to thank me for pointing out her possible limitation. Then we went deeper.

I asked Liz why she felt it was best to put up that barrier? Liz replied that she fears rejection. Can anyone relate to that?

To date is to risk rejection. Its a simple fact. You cannot attract an emotionally available man if you are not emotionally available yourself. Liz and I talked about how she might not be totally ready yet for full-fledged dating. However, she can take the pressure off by shifting her agenda to simply meeting and getting to know men.

Ah- ha! Liz was thrilled with this idea! She felt this change of focus would help her practice her flirting and conversation skills. And she wouldn’t have to worry about other things that will come down the road, because she doesn’t have to go there yet. This new found freedom helped her relax and feel excited again about the dating process.

If you are just getting back out there – don’t’ put the pressure on yourself to find the right guy immediately. It is unlikely, although it has happened. Instead, focus on meeting lots of new people, men and women. You will  gain confidence and grow more comfortable in these new social situations. Then, you can move on to traditional dating with greater strength and success.

Watching Liz open up to the possibilities is a heart-warming experience,. I am so glad to be there for her, to answer questions, and provide a new angle on thinking that facilitates her over 40 dating journey.