Dating Goddess

Have you ever read The Dating Goddess’s blog? She writes fabulous posts about being over 40 and single.

In a recent post, she had a conversation with a guy friend who’d like to date her,. He explained the attraction she has,

“You have this tough, businesslike, ‘don’t mess with me’ exterior. But inside, you’re soft and gooey.”The Dating Goddess responded, “Like a Tootsie-pop!” And her friend said, “Exactly. Soft and delicious once you get past the hard shell.”

The Dating Goddess (DG) went on to talk about how men get to the gooey center when they take the time to get to know her and stick around. DG also pointed out how many men are intimidated by successful women today who have developed this “don’t mess with me” demeanor and several commenters agreed.

Should a Man Have to Break Through Your Shell to See Who You Really Are?

In her blog’s comment section, I acknowledged that DG had started a great conversation. And the comments were thought provoking – much like the proverbial question, “Which came first? The chicken or the egg?”

Here’s my take from my own dating experiences and from having worked with thousands of  women over 40:

It’s the “promise” of the gooey center, beneath the hard exterior, that captivates a man’s attention and makes him curious. I can see why women want a man to prove himself first before they are willing to show this vulnerable side. Yet, can you realistically expect a heart connection if you aren’t willing to be a little vulnerable?

I understand how you’ve been hurt and disappointed before and I don’t blame you. I have the deepest empathy for your feelings. However, what I know first hand, is this – if you can’t be warm and somewhat open, you have little chance of getting a man to stick around long enough to see that yummy, pleasing side of you.

Now you may wonder – why is that? Here’s the answer in a nutshell. Most men are seeking a counterpart. They want a woman who is comfortable with her feminine nature to balance their masculine nature. A woman who uses her feminine charm actually brings out more of his masculine side – which feels REALLY GOOD for a man. And let’s not forget this crucial fact for your love life success:

Men pick women who make them FEEL GOOD.

How can you do this without getting hurt again? Well, its hard. You might get hurt again. But, you can be smart. I’m not asking you to jump in with both feet and throw all caution to the wind. Of course a man needs to prove himself to you. At the same time, you need to find a way to let him see and entice him with your gooey soft center.  This peak under the tent, builds his desire to find out more about you!

If you don’t do this, you can see why a man might think you just sport a hard shell and there’s nothing beneath that besides…more hard shell. That’s your business demeanor and it isn’t likely help you land a strong man. You might land a man with more feminine energy who seeks the balance through your well-developed masculine side. Chances are though – that you won’t be happy with that.

This is something I know a lot about because I am a “chick in charge”.  When I was in the corporate world, I was a woman to be reckoned with. Tough as nails because I had to be. That’s was required to be good at my job. This will get you promoted, but it will NEVER HELP YOU LAND A GOOD MAN.

My advice? Find ways to let your warmth show.

Your softness and gooey center is your feminine charm. Yes, men want a woman who is confident AND also knows how to show her feminine side. It is your feminine charm that attracts a man to you and wins a man over. Don’t wear that hard exterior like a badge of honor when you are seeking a date. Keep that for business and display your yummy, fudgy center (like the Tootsie Pop) when you interact with men romantically.

I feel so honored to be in such good company. Being recognized feels good no matter who does it or when. Does anyone get enough praise? I often ask this questions when I teach continuing education night classes and the answer is always a resounding “NO!”

Second on Arlene’s list is one of my buddies, the Dating Goddess. She has taken part in my Dating for Keeps Expo, my Decoding Dating audio series, and my blog-a-thon during Valentine’s week this year.

Arlene’s blog is a great resource for dating articles and lists of blogs she likes. Check it out if you’ve got a minute to see what you think. Her target audience seems younger, but hey – that could be a good thing right? After all, most of us want to be young at heart for sure.

Today’s guest blogger and dating expert is The Dating Goddess who is dedicated to providing uncommon information, insights and advice for midlife women reentering the dating world. The DatingGoddess.com is one of the top-ranked sites for dating and has published more than a dozen books about dating in the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 book series.

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Valentine’s Day is meant for lovers. So what if you are alone for this day designed to celebrate love? There are many ways to spend the day wrapped in love, even if you are without a sweetie. The new book  Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch helps articulate your positive attributes.

What if you are like many women who are dating, but without a regular sweetie with whom to celebrate Valentine’s Day? Perhaps you’ve been dating around, but there’s no one with whom it makes sense to get all lovey-dovey on this, the snuggle fest of holidays. Or maybe you have yet to stick your toe in the dating pool.

The Dating Goddess, author of the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 13-book series has some ideas for you:

• Remind yourself what a terrific catch you are. In her book, Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch, the Dating Goddess says, “Make a list of all the things you love and appreciate about you. It’s easy to focus on what we don’t like about ourselves. But this is the day to be your own valentine. Write yourself a poem. Put on fresh sheets. Buy your favorite flowers. Fix your favorite meal.”
• Treat yourself as your valentine. Do for yourself what makes you feel loved. Do something you like to do that you don’t do very often: draw a warm bath, play favorite music, light candles and relax. Or order take out, get in your jammies early and snuggle down with a DVD. Or turn up the stereo and dance to your favorite music. Indulge and enjoy what you love to do.
• Take yourself out for the day or evening, but not to places frequented by couples. Is there a new exhibit at the museum you’ve wanted to see? Been wanting to luxuriate with a massage? Haven’t had a facial or pedicure in a while? Pamper yourself just and show yourself some love.
• Meet up with some gal pals for a group pedicure, hike, movie or night on the town. Initiate a group exercise where you all tell each of the others one thing you admire about her. It will feel like a group hug!
• Show your appreciation to loved ones. Send free virtual bouquets from flowers2mail.com along with a note on why you’re glad they’re in your life. Send an online valentine card. Call to tell someone what a difference they make to you. Most of us don’t get enough acknowledgment. You’ll be amazed how much love you get back just by sharing some with others.

So don’t let it get you down if you don’t have a steady beau in your life to shower you with affection. You already have a steady love — you! Don’t take yourself for granted!

If you don’t have a special someone with whom to share Valentine’s Day, have a great date with the Dating Goddess and her new books.  Order from www.DatingGoddess.com

Want to read more of the blog-a-thon? Great! See links below:

Day 2 – Alyssa Johnson,  relationships after divorce expert click here
Day 3 – Laurie Davis, the eFlirt Expert  click here

For Immediate Release:

Valentine’s Day Blog-a-thon Starts Monday, February 8^th

Discover How to Celebrate Valentine’s Day Single-Style, Plus Savvy Dating Tips to Find Love

(February 6, 2010) Better than a telethon, the first ever Valentine’s Day Blog-a-thon raises awareness (instead of money) for the positive aspects of celebrating Valentine’s Day as a single adult. While this holiday often causes single women everywhere to cringe, the Blog-a-thon has been created to shift that reaction to a more upbeat outlook.

Beginning Monday, February 8^th, guest bloggers from some of the Internet’s most popular sites, will be sharing their insights to help single women enjoy a day that is traditionally for couples, and offer advice for finding the love they want.

Unite with countless single readers to take in this virtual tour of the web’s best dating experts. Featured guest bloggers include:

Monday, 2/8: The Dating Goddess (www.datinggoddess.com) who has one of the top-ranked dating advice sites and has published more than a dozen books about dating in the Adventures of Delicious Dating after 40 book series.

Tuesday, 2/9: Alyssa Johnson, MSW, LCSW, of www.remarriagesuccess.com  helps divorced parents move into new relationships and successful step families, and is the author of over 250 published articles and 4 books, with an active counseling practice.

Wednesday, 2/10: Laurie Davis is the founder of eFlirt Expert and co-host of the weekly web show, LoveNation. She helps singles market themselves to become successful daters, is the current NY Tech Dating Examiner and a contributing writer for The Guyds.

Thursday, 2/11: SingleMomSeeking  is one of the best dating bloggers specializes in being a parent while looking for love (as reviewed by about.com Guide to Dating) and author of Single Mom Seeking: Play Dates, Blind Dates and Other Dispatches from the Dating World. 

Friday, 2/12: Terry Hernon MacDonald, expert dating blogger at www.happygirlmusing.com is the author of the hot selling ebook, How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams.

Saturday, 2/13: DeAnna Lorraine, innovative Dating and Relationship Coach and NLP Practitioner, helps clients transform their love life to succeed with the opposite sex at www.DeAnnaLorraine.com

Sunday, 2/14: Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, The Dating Coach has helped over 2,000 singles to successfully jump start or accelerate their search for love. She is also a speaker, workshop leader, author of MANifesting Mr. Right and founder of www.NeverTooLate.biz.

Guest bloggers have been selected for their specific expertise to inform, inspire, and motivate singles to enjoy what is normally the most dreaded retail holiday of the year. In addition, single women, whether divorced, widowed or never married can learn from the sage dating wisdom these experts share.

Ronnie Ann Ryan, creator of the Valentine’s Day Blog-a-thon said, “This is a ground-breaking opportunity for single women to rethink their reaction to Valentine’s Day and transform the holiday experience into something enjoyable and positive.”

Ronnie Ann Ryan’s Valentine’s Day Blog-a-thon at    www.after40datingtips.com
Monday, February 8, 2010 – Sunday February 14, 2010
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attracting men

I often read a blog written by the Dating Goddess. She offers a great perspective on dating after 40 – she even thinks its “delicious.” What a great attitude!

How Do You Think about Men?
One of her recent posts asks women if the men they meet are weeds or wildflowers? She goes on to explain that in her garden, they are often the very same plant.  Some she pulls out immediately, while other weeds are actually beautiful wild flowers like mini-pansies, Queen Anne’s Lace and morning glories that grew by natural means in her garden and add to the beauty.

What a wonderful way to look at men!

Do You Notice the Wildflower Types?
Many woman are all too familiar with the weeds that need pulling right away. But how many appreciate the contribution of the wild flower types? Learning to appreciate men, their masculine qualities and what they bring to the planet is a crucial piece for successful dating and finding love .

The “Weed Perspective” Can Indicate a Limiting Belief
If you automatically think that most men are weeds – that indicates a problem. It’s an attitude or limiting belief that men do not have much to  offer, are not good enough, and are not worthy of your time or interest. Certainly that is true for some. Just like that’s true for some women from a man’s perspective.

However, if you complain about men more than you enjoy them – stop and think  for a minute how that impacts every interaction you have with men. I work with many dating coaching clients on this very topic.

This is explains why women who like men are more attractive to men!

To Be Most Attractive  to Men- You Have to Like Men
Energetically, men can FEEL IT if you don’t like them or have disdain for them. And that makes them steer clear and pass you by. That is not what you want. You want men to consider you as a  potential great catch right?

So how can you turn this habit and behavior around? Is it even possible to shift this belief enough to make a difference? Of course it is!

Here’s how you can get started:

Try  Spotting the Wildflowers
Everyday, spend at least 3 minutes twice a day looking at the men in your vicinity. As you walk down the street, go to the store, stop at the post office, eat lunch at a restaurant, look around. Become aware of the men in your space and ask yourself – what is good about this man that would make his wife/girlfriend love him?

Beginning to see the good qualities in men rather than their weed-like aspects is the first step to opening your heart to more men and finding the right one for you. My dating coaching clients who have done this exercise are usually very grateful they made the effort.

phto credit Slight_clutter

The Dating Goddess is not only insightful and on the money with her advice, but clever and entertaining as well.

Let me give a few highlights:

First she compares dating to shoe shopping at DSW. How the pictures don’t always match what’s inside the box, or the shoes look good but don’t really fit, or how you pass by 95% of the options – very true right?

She warns women not to get sucked in by the curiosity of the Intermittent Man. He pursues you sporadically, but when he is on, he seems SO interested and you have a great time. This periodic reinforcement creates mystery and leaves you wanting more. But his behavior actually demonstrates his lack of serious interest instead. Don’t get confused or drawn in by his antics.

DG also asks you to be the woman the man you are seeking would desire. Good advice. Be confident, be interesting, be lively and a good conversationalist. She asks you to check in with yourself to see if you are that woman and what can you do to become her?

I’m looking forward to reading a few others. First Rate First Datesprovides advice on getting that second date. Sounds  pretty helpful… And she has several ebooks focusing on helping women who have been out of circulation for a while – such titles as Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool, From Fear to Frolic and Moving on Gracefully – all covering issues that mid-life women need to face.

I highly recommend reading the Dating Goddess books – pick the ones that speak to you – with 13, something’s going to click for sure!  Check out her blog and order one of her books today!

A man recently told  the Dating Goddess that she had "Whip Appeal" and so she did research to discover if this was a good thing. Turns out whip appeal is BIG among the male 20-something crowd. Her friends’ sons confirmed that having "Whip Appeal" means you have a guy wrapped around your little finger and that he just can’t stop thinking about you and how to please you. ( Is this in a movie, a novel or real life?)

At first our heroine was excited to think of herself having such strong appeal. But then she started to wonder…do I really have Whip Appeal or did my date just say that to get in good with me?

EXCELLENT QUESTION!

She went on to talk about how important it is to observe a man’s behavior and actions, rather than take his word for something. Good point.

High School Chemistry
That’s why in my workshops I always talk about how dating is really like high school chemistry. You put the ingredients into the beaker, you stir if called for and then the most important part of the experiment is to OBSERVE. No additional ingredients. No further stirring. You simple sit back, wait and watch to see what happens.

Now apply this chemistry lesson to dating.

Your date calls you and sets up a date. Let him pick the restaurant or destination rather than piping in with your ideas. You’ll have plenty of time to play party director later once you become "an item.".

The advantage of letting him pick out the place is that you learn what he likes and what he will do to impress you . Then if you are unimpressed or shocked or thrilled, you have collected crucial data about this man to help you decide if you want to continue dating him. 

Missed Opportunity
On the other hand, if you go where YOU suggest, you haven’t learned a thing about his taste, his likes, or what he will do to impress you. And that is a huge missed opportunity.

The Point of Dating
The whole point of dating is to find out if the man who asked you with worthy of your time. And when you enter into the chemistry experiment with your ideas, or calling him, or offering to pay, you will not know if he is generous, of how interested, or what his sense of timing is regarding how often he wants to see you.

The point of dating is to collect data to see what a man will do on his own to win you over. His behavior and interest will never be greater than the first three dates. My advice? Do whatever you have to, including taping your mouth shut to let him lead.,  That way you ‘ll get to know if he is all talk but no action or follow through - which is the same as icing without the cake. It’s sweet, but has no real substance.