dating via social media and Facebook

Do you use social media on a regular basis? Some people can’t be bothered while others claim to be addicted. Either way, people are starting to meet new folks via social media and that is what I am talking about in this post.

You can learn a lot about a person from what they post and their comments to others as well. It’s all out there on the web, so maybe its time you start leveraging it!

How to Meet People for Facebook Fans

1. Make as many friends as possible on Facebook. Look up college buddies, family, previous work buddies, etc. Get connected to them all.

2. Browse through your friends, friends profiles. Look at photos, read their comments, read their profile to see if you have any thing in common. Determine who you might want to get in touch with. People who are local to you will make things a lot easier.

3. To start to cultivate a new connection, look for something you can comment on. Watch for comments your friends make on their friends activity or see if they have something you can comment on directly. This can get the conversation going.

4. After some back and forth messaging, suggest getting together. Something simple like you’d do with online dating. a cup of coffee or a beer/glass of wine.

5. Voila! You’ve made a new friend and possibly a new dating prospect!

I read an article that claimed match.com was dead and now connecting via Social Media is all the rage.

Whether or not you decide to connect via social media, many people use this tool to learn about their dates prior to meeting. Have you ever looked up a guy on Linkedin or Fcebook? Haven’t you Googled a guy? come on, I know you have!

The Danger to Pre-Qualifying Your Date Based on Social Media

There is a downside to digging up dirt about your dates and making decisions based on social media. You can make some snap judgments that are off base or just plain wrong.  Plus, you can misinterpret what is being said so easily. Sadly, this happens all the time. The reason is that there is no substitute for human contact.

Getting to know people takes time – that’s all there is to it. When you give people a chance versus finding reasons to disqualify them, you are on the right track to finding the love you want and deserve.

Dating Goddess

Have you ever read The Dating Goddess’s blog? She writes fabulous posts about being over 40 and single.

In a recent post, she had a conversation with a guy friend who’d like to date her,. He explained the attraction she has,

“You have this tough, businesslike, ‘don’t mess with me’ exterior. But inside, you’re soft and gooey.”The Dating Goddess responded, “Like a Tootsie-pop!” And her friend said, “Exactly. Soft and delicious once you get past the hard shell.”

The Dating Goddess (DG) went on to talk about how men get to the gooey center when they take the time to get to know her and stick around. DG also pointed out how many men are intimidated by successful women today who have developed this “don’t mess with me” demeanor and several commenters agreed.

Should a Man Have to Break Through Your Shell to See Who You Really Are?

In her blog’s comment section, I acknowledged that DG had started a great conversation. And the comments were thought provoking – much like the proverbial question, “Which came first? The chicken or the egg?”

Here’s my take from my own dating experiences and from having worked with thousands of  women over 40:

It’s the “promise” of the gooey center, beneath the hard exterior, that captivates a man’s attention and makes him curious. I can see why women want a man to prove himself first before they are willing to show this vulnerable side. Yet, can you realistically expect a heart connection if you aren’t willing to be a little vulnerable?

I understand how you’ve been hurt and disappointed before and I don’t blame you. I have the deepest empathy for your feelings. However, what I know first hand, is this – if you can’t be warm and somewhat open, you have little chance of getting a man to stick around long enough to see that yummy, pleasing side of you.

Now you may wonder – why is that? Here’s the answer in a nutshell. Most men are seeking a counterpart. They want a woman who is comfortable with her feminine nature to balance their masculine nature. A woman who uses her feminine charm actually brings out more of his masculine side – which feels REALLY GOOD for a man. And let’s not forget this crucial fact for your love life success:

Men pick women who make them FEEL GOOD.

How can you do this without getting hurt again? Well, its hard. You might get hurt again. But, you can be smart. I’m not asking you to jump in with both feet and throw all caution to the wind. Of course a man needs to prove himself to you. At the same time, you need to find a way to let him see and entice him with your gooey soft center.  This peak under the tent, builds his desire to find out more about you!

If you don’t do this, you can see why a man might think you just sport a hard shell and there’s nothing beneath that besides…more hard shell. That’s your business demeanor and it isn’t likely help you land a strong man. You might land a man with more feminine energy who seeks the balance through your well-developed masculine side. Chances are though – that you won’t be happy with that.

This is something I know a lot about because I am a “chick in charge”.  When I was in the corporate world, I was a woman to be reckoned with. Tough as nails because I had to be. That’s was required to be good at my job. This will get you promoted, but it will NEVER HELP YOU LAND A GOOD MAN.

My advice? Find ways to let your warmth show.

Your softness and gooey center is your feminine charm. Yes, men want a woman who is confident AND also knows how to show her feminine side. It is your feminine charm that attracts a man to you and wins a man over. Don’t wear that hard exterior like a badge of honor when you are seeking a date. Keep that for business and display your yummy, fudgy center (like the Tootsie Pop) when you interact with men romantically.

10 Resolutions to Find Love

I wanted to share with you my top 10 New Year’s  Resolutions to Find love in 2012. They were recently posted on the Best Daily Dates’s blog! As a dating coach for women over 40, these are the kinds of tips I share with my clients to help them find love faster. Here are a few highlights, but you can see all 10 on their website.

2. I will give more types of people a chance.

One of the biggest challenges my clients face is seeking a specific type of person. I encourage them to cast a wider net so they can date a variety of people. Often, when you have a type, that person ahs the good things you like along with all the characteristics that cause your relationships to end. Think back to all the people you have dated who were exactly your type…where are they now? Chances are, if you get past your type, you’ll find a better partner.

7. I will look for what IS GOOD in people.

It’s so easy to find fault with your dates. The challenge I ask of my dating coaching clients is for them to find what IS GOOD about their dates. When you start to notice the good in people, you will be more open, easier to be with, more fun and far more approachable and attractive to the opposite sex. There is a lot of good in the single people out there, even if that person isn’t right for you. Shift your perspective and discover how it lightens your spirit and gives you a more positive attitude.

8. I will not “bash” the other gender for fun with friends.

I work with my dating coaching clients to help them understand this universal principle. When you talk badly about the opposite sex, you send out negative vibes. Oh yes, men and women can tell when you have a negative attitude about them as a group. It’s like a gray cloud that hangs over your head making you far less attractive. I know this can be  fun with friends, but I advise you to stop doing it. You’ll thank me when you notice how many more positive interactions you have with people.

Get all 10 Resolutions here 

Photo Credit: Mommamia

Survive a Breakup

Going though a breakup stinks at any age. Whether you are 22 or 42, a breakup is a loss that requires healing time. There are lots of ways to recover from a broken heart and what will work for each person varies. As a dating coach for women who are dating after divorce or dating after 40, here are my top five tips for breakup survival which I call the “Man-Free Diet”TM

1. Take a complete break from men
Don’t go online or go to dances. Don’t call or text your ex or previous loves. Don’t contact your ace in the hole guy that you keep in your back pocket just in case. Steer clear of straight men for at least one month. (If you have gay male friends – they don’t need to be avoided.) This time is all about you and your recovery and not about finding another man to fill the void left by your breakup.

2. Indulge in extreme self-care
Get a massage, facial, or skin care application. Try some energy work  or energy healing. Seek the help of a professional counselor or therapist if you feel you need it. Take long bubble baths or try Epsom salts which detoxify. Exercise, rest, meditate, do yoga and breathe. It’s OK and expected to be sad for a while, but make taking care of yourself a priority as this is a way to express and embody self love which is crucial for healing.

Eat well. Fix yourself yummy, healthy meals. Try some new recipes. Dine out at a fabulous restaurant and try something new. Indulge in a little comfort food.  And of course, there’s always chocolate.

3. Lift your spirit
Get together with girlfriends to laugh. Watch funny movies or comedy shows. Listen to great music. Sing along at the top of your lungs. Dance alone in your living room. Movement and music are very healing. Singing is recommended for the passing of a partner, so it will work for a breakup as well. When you sing, you lift your energy with the happy vibration of your voice.

Start a creative project. Immerse yourself in something you love to do. Or try a new craft or art modality. Unleashing your creativity is healing and engaging, so if nothing else, you can forget for a while.

Read something inspirational or watch/listen to inspirational speakers. Learn something new. Try a foreign language or a musical instrument to stimulate your brain and kick out those toxic thought loops.

4. Find reasons for gratitude
Get connected to what is good about your life – there’s plenty when you really start to look. Think about your other relationships, family, friends, pets, neighbors to see that you do have other types of love in your life. Count five things you are grateful for every day and make this a practice. Write them down in your journal so you can see what is good in black and white.

A grateful heart is lighter and more positive. The more grateful you feel for what is going well, the easier it will be to let go and allow the healing process to proceed.

5. Rebuild your confidence
Time for a makeover! You can go to the makeup counter at any big department store and get this done for free. You might want to purchase an item or two if you like what the representative does. Or hire a professional makeup artist to show you exactly what colors look best and how to apply them to accent your positives and achieve a great look.

Buy a few new outfits. I recommend working with an image consultant who knows exactly what will work on your body type as well as the best colors to flatter you. Some upscale department stores have personal shoppers on staff who are trained as well – try Lord & Taylor or Nordstroms.

Get a new hair style! Plop down in your stylist’s chair and ask what they recommend to update your look. If you feel brave, go for it! Hair grows out so you can always go back to your old ways in the future. Don’t be afraid – updating your look will take years off which is sure to make you feel younger and happier!

Remember you are a great catch. Even if the last guy couldn’t see that – his loss! You are a fabulous woman who deserves an amazing man. A man who knows you are the one for him and really appreciates you. He’s out there. And when you are ready, you can get back out there, feeling confident and healed and open to possibilities and meeting lots of new men.

People fall in love every day. When you are ready again, you will too.

What does this mean?

I ask my dating coaching clients to think about how you behave when you go out to meet men. Are you approachable, with your heart and mind open to meeting new men? Are you friendly, warm and inviting? Do you rely on your feminine charm and flirting skills to interact with men? I sure hope so if you want any results from your efforts.

Regardless of whether you are dating after divorce or dating over 40, this concept is crucial to your success with men. men don’t like rejection so you have to make it easy for them to connect with you. It’s basic, it’s simple and most women ignore this completely.

OK, now, let’s really get into where to meet the men.

First of all, there’s no special place where the really great guys hang out together. There’s no neon sign with an arrow pointing “Quality Men In Here” to help you find those guys.  Good men do not congregate anywhere specifically.

However, if you want rich men, try polo games, boat and car shows, upscale steak restaurants, private clubs, golfing, etc.

And if you want sports lovers, you can find them at sports games, at a bar for Monday night football, at college basketball games, etc.

And if you want nerdy men, you can find them at Star Trek conventions, technology shows, in college areas, etc.

Dating Coach Evan Marc Katz

38% of marriages stem from work and school
27% of marriages come from friends and family
17% of marriages come from the Internet (although I heard it was 20%)

The first two methods can work and do all the time, but the process can be a lot slower with gaps in between. With online dating, you can meet lots of people if you can be open to it and use the tool wisely. You’ll need to shake off your hatred of the net, your preconceived notions and bad previous experiences.

Evan clearly states in his post that he wants to shake you up and out of your comfort zone so that you give the web a real chance. His point is, 5% of the population uses online dating which produces 17% of the marriages in the last three years. That means this method of meeting people delivers way more than its share of sacred unions. Something to seriously think about.

Please read Evan’s post. He makes a very powerful case for online dating. Evan and I want the same thing for you – we want you to find love and be happy. And we agree, the web offers the fastest way to get started and is a powerful resource when added to blind dates, Meetups, and other singles events and groups.

How to Heal a Broken Heart

Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach,

I joined a singles club and started dating one of the guys who swept me off my feet with his charm. He has a wonderful sense of humor (he made me laugh every day with funny e-mails or calls), romantic evenings dining and dancing.

He’s seven years older than me (I’m 60). An early red flag for me was that he was always mentioning other women while we were together. I made a joke of it and tried not to think about it.

Being with him was like I walking on air. I had a wonderful summer and he helped me to forget my problems.

We live about an hour apart and I always drove to see  him . Finally he did visit me.  But the next weekend, he acted strange and distant. I was upset and wanted to talk about it. Then Mr. Charming clammed up!

I saved all his wonderful e-mails. He really made me come alive.  He brought out something in me that has been lying dormant for years. I haven’t dated a man in over 10 years, and he made me feel like I was 16 again. I miss him terribly. I really don’t want to be with other men yet. I keep comparing them to him. What can I do?

Heartbroken in San Diego

Dear Heartbroken,

My heart goes out to you because this has been very disappointing I am sure. I can tell you feel hurt and confused and are not ready to meet others.

This is the bottom line on your guy – he’s a player. Age does not matter when it comes to being a player. Clues from your email include (as you mentioned) his talking about other women with you, his lack of effort since you did most of the travel, and lastly, his strange behavior after a weekend with you.

He’s a man who does not want to lose control or get too close. He  likes the flirty part of getting to know a woman and winning her over, but doesn’t want to get past that. I’d call him a romance junkie. That’s why he pulled away and stopped showering you with attention. You wanted more from him than he was willing to give, so it was time to move on. Better than his risking getting too close to you.

I know this is very hard, but I want you to know he’s not coming back. He has moved on. That’s what a romance junkie does.

But there is good news!

First, he woke something up in you that has been dormant for years. Your feminine side came alive so congratulations! The idea is to find a way to start healing from this hurt so you can move on to meet other, better men. Men with integrity who are honest and want a relationship. That’s not this guy.

He also helped you have a marvelous summer and forget about other problems in your life. While the relationship didn’t work out as planned, it still helped you for the short run and that has real value.

Sometimes this happens because women want to believe in fairy tales. Unfortunately, a man who knows all the right things to say probably has had a lot of practice, if you get my drift. I’ve been through it myself, being swept off my feet by a charmer. It’s a shocker.

As a dating coach for women over 40, here’s what I recommend to clients who have a penchant for charming men. Next time you find yourself attracted to a man who knows all the right things to say, I highly recommend walking away as quickly as possible. Mostly, because you know what will happen soon enough with this type of guy.

Tonight I’ll be talking about how to heal open your heart after relationship disappointments big and small. It’s a FREE teleclass from 8-9pm eastern time. Register here so you can discover what might help you to once again align with love.

Photo Credit: OlivierGR

Don't chase men

–Wanting him back in Cleveland

Dear Wanting,

Sorry to hear you are having trouble. Yeah, chasing a guy is not the best strategy for winning him over. What works best is to follow a man’s lead. That way you‘ll know how interested he is.

As a dating coach for women over 40, I tell clients all the time not to chase men.  When you do this, you take over his job. It’s the man’s role to pursue down to his DNA. This is biology we’re talking about.  Even though we have achieved much equality in the work place, dating has not caught up. But honestly, it works better this way.

If  you say thank you and are appreciative of his efforts, if you are available for dates or provide alternative options, if you are warm, friendly and make him feel good about his choices – that’s how you let a man know you like him. Observing what he’ll do to win you over is how you know his interest level in you.

Since it sounds like your guy is pulling back, do not lean forward. Your best bet at this point is to relax. Sit back and let him come to you. If he doesn’t – that tells you something. And, if he does come for you – then you know he’s interested and did this because he wants you. When men take action without your prodding, it’s so much more meaningful.

The chase is still alive.  Being a dating coach for over nine years now, I’ve seen this scenario repeat itself over and over again. If you want to win the dating game, learn to play follow the leader. This doesn’t make you a door mat – it makes you a wise, strategic woman who knows how to get what she wants.

Hope things work out!

Wishing you love,

Ronnie

Photo Credit: Zaid Balushi

Chemistry of Love

Big news on the chemistry of love! A new study shows surprising results regarding how people view good chemistry for dating. Most people might think physical attraction would rank highest as the determinant for good chemistry. But It’s Just Lunch, a matchmaking service who sponsored the research, discovered other things were more important to today’s daters.

Could our ideas about the chemistry of love be changing? Maybe it depends on how you ask the question. In their survey, they asked about the components of good chemistry on a first date. Top score went to “Feeling comfortable together” at 44% (49% for men), followed by “Great conversation” at 28%.

Physical attraction did still have a good showing at 20%, followed by flirty banter at 7%.

further questions included how do you judge the success of a first date. Top score went to “I felt comfortable being myself” with 43%, followed by “I walked away with a smile” for 29% of respondents.

How Do You Feel about the Chemistry of Love?

My dating coaching clients talk a lot about chemistry. Some insist there has to be some immediate “spark” or they don’t want a second date. Others say if they dont’ feel steamy attraction right off the bat, forget about the guy.

Yet, I can happily report, that many of my dating coaching clients who are women dating over 40, that attraction can develop. I’ve heard women say that as they give a middle of the road guy a chance and get to know them, they are often surprised as their attraction grows.

It seems to build through conversation and actions their dates take. “If a guy does something sweet for you or says something cute, his stock can sky rocket in my book,” says one of my recent clients’ Dana at 43. Hearing this kind of thing makes me so happy because often the best matches are with men from the middle of the road. As you start to get to know them, they get comfortable, feel less judged ands that’s why they start to shine.

I don’t have to tell you there’s a lot of pressure out there in the dating world. When you are confident enough to relax and be yourself, your date has the chance to feel the same way. And his good qualities will come forward for you to notice, recognize and enjoy.

This is exactly why I established the three date rule for myself when I was dating. If I didn’t follow this simple rule, I would have kicked my now husband to the curb. He was quiet on our second date and took me home within 90-minutes. I was so disappointed after our first date. it would have been easy to say – forget this guy – he is BORING!

But, I gave him a third date which ended up being magical! Months later I learned from his sister (the woman who set us up on the blind date) he had been under the weather, but didn’t want to say that or cancel our date.

My advice as a dating coach for women over 40 is simple – give men a chance. pay attention to what this new research study has to say and try using their definition of good chemistry. The more you stretch to give decent men a chance versus wait for Mr. Perfect, the better your chances of finding that one special guy who will make your romantic dreams come true.

Photo Credit: See Ming Lee

Dating Over 40 - Dating After Divorce

I am in dire need of some advice. I have been dating a guy for 3 months. I have my own apartment, but am at his house a lot, 2-4 days during the week. When I’m there, I act as if we are married – cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of his dogs when he is out of town for work.

I KNOW that I am making this WAY too easy for him, but I don’t know how to start over and get things on the right track. I have also told him that I am in love with him.  He says he’s just not there yet. He has been divorced for almost two years now, and I am the first relationship since then.

I too am almost two years divorced. We speak of the future and I know that he cares about me, maybe even loves me, but is just afraid to say it? I feel like a need a dating coach and am so lost!! I just want to do this right and make this one last. Please help.

Not Married But Want to Be

-*-*-*-

Dear Not Married,

I can see from your words that you are in a lot of pain about this situation. You already know it’s not serving you, which makes my job as a dating coach for women dating over 40 or dating after divorce a little easier. Because the truth is, I have some tough love to share.

Let me start with the idea that you want to make this relationship last. My questions is, what do you get out of this bargain? Companionship? Sex? The privilege of being Cinderella? I am assuming you feel some sort of security in  acting like a married couple. Trouble is, you’re acting the part and he is NOT.

I understand that you rather be in a relationship than looking for one, but at what cost? You are clearly a woman who knows what is right because you said things aren’t going the way you want. You have put yourself in the position of “over-giving.”  While your intention might be to win him over, showing him the great wife you could be, he seems to only be going along for the ride.

If you back track by staying at his house less and stopping all household services, you might lose him.  However, I don’t see what he’s bringing to your party. Would you really be losing a relationship? He doesn’t say he loves you. I didn’t hear of any services he offers in return. In truth, he might care for you, but could also be taking advantage of some pretty worthwhile services.

Your man doesn’t need to buy the cow – you give the milk (household chores, not sex) away for free. What has he done to earn such incredibly generous treatment?

The alternative is to tell him that you have been thinking about the imbalance in your relationship. You want a committed, loving relationship. He seems more interested in maid service with benefits.

For self-preservation reasons, you have decided to withdraw. You really like him and would like to be in a relationship, so if he re-evaluates and wants to step up, he should let you know. In the meantime, you’ll be dating other men to find one who is seeking and ready for a balanced, healthy, loving relationship.

I hope you can hear that this advice is coming from my heart. I want you to not only be happy, but have the relationship you deserve. I am quite certain you deserve better than what this man has to offer.

Don’t act like a wife until there’s a solid reason to do so or trade your household services for love. In fact, today’s world has many working wives who let their men do their own laundry, grocery shop and cook. Please give it some serious thought.

Wishing you love,

Photo Credit: Steven Depolo

Where to find love

However,  rather than focusing on “where” to find love, I’m going to share some new research on love that is truly remarkable. And there’s a lot of it – too much for me to mention in one post. But I’ll share a couple of real gems that I find reassuring and sort of mind-blowing too.

First of all – have you heard of HeartMath? I was first introduced to HeartMath by Dr. Deborah Rozman, one of the speakers from the Soulmate Summit. In her program, Deborah discussed how to activate your heart’s intelligence to attract a mate. I found her information fascinating as she explained about the Institute of HeartMath (IHM)  and what they do. This organization has been doing research on how to destress and helping people establish what they call “heart-based living”.

This group has found a real medical connection between your heart patterns, emotions and stress levels. Isn’t that amazing? I think so! Now you have even more reasons to want to find heart connections and de-stress – it will help you live longer.

Innovators in this connection, the Institute for HeartMath has created programs to help children perform better on tests and build better social skills. With a wide range of programs and techniques created to de-stress and live better, IHM helps people in 50 countries to build the emotional resilience needed for today’s world. And we sure need it!

How to Find Love

I find this fascinating and feel strongly that the information I dig up will help my dating coaching clients discover how to find love more quickly and choose better partners as well. Right now, I’m in the process of immersing myself in a learning campaign about love. Join me as I start to report on my journey to learn everything I can. I will be sharing knowledge, tips and techniques as I expand my dating coaching  tool box to help women over 40 find the love they want and deserve – even faster!

Photo Credit: The Pink Peppercorn