Dating Over 40: A Word On Chemistry

Chemistry. Women just have to have it. They talk about it, insist on it, dream about it.

Chemistry is one of those things that my dating coaching clients bring up all the time. It’s very difficult to talk a woman out of the idea that she NEEDS instant chemistry. And if they don’t feel this connection from the get go, there’s no interest or desire for additional dates.

Do you feel this way too?

When I was on my dating journey, I used a different rule of thumb. If a man was nice, interesting, easy to talk with, treated me well, decent looking – I considered him to be in my “ballpark” of possiblities and went out with him at least three times. The more dates we had, the more information I collected and learned about him – through oberservation and interaction. I refer to this process as “data gathering” and consider this the point of dating.

But so many of my over 40 dating coaching clients don’t get here because they don’t FEEL the chemistry right up front.

That’s a shame for several reasons:

1. Sometimes chemistry can develop as you get to know a man.
2. Some men aren’t as comfortable at first, but as they warm up the chemistry thing starts to percolate as well
3. Sometimes the chemistry wears of quickly as you catch on to other less desirable characteristics revealed when you get to know a man.

Well I was surfing recently and came across Evan Marc Katz’s video on chemistry. He sums up the truth about chemistry in this quick video that you should definitely take time to watch. He’s direct, funny and on the money honey. Click here to watch and see for yourself why chemistry could easily be one reason that you are keeping yourself from meeting the right men.

Dating Over 40: I Celebrated My Anniversary with Take Out

Last week my husband and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary. Where does the time go?

This year Paul got an “A” for effort. He hasn’t always gotten such high marks. (The joke between us is that he may be my Mr. Right, but he sure isn’t Mr. Perfect. But I’m not Mrs. Perfect either.) People demonstrate love in different ways. I once read something about the many languages of love.

For Paul – he demonstrates his love for me daily. But he’s not so good for the big events. For me the big events have meaning. So we are still working out the kinks. The every day love ranks pretty high which keeps us going nicely.

Here’s how he got the good grade. He left a reallycute message on the answering machine about taking me to my favorite restaurant. He took me to a great jewelery store to let me pick out new earrings and he came home with a bunch 0f gorgeous pink roses.

Unfortunately, here in CT, we had the 11th straight day of rain (something like that) , and by the time he got home, I just didn’t feel like getting dressed up for an expensive dinner. What’s the point if I’m not going to be happy about it?

All I could think about was getting take out, putting on my PJ’s and eating dinner while watching movies in bed. I decided to ask him how he felt about this lunacy. His response – can we get baked ziti? Yes!!!

I just have to love this man who can go with the flow and handle my fluctuating moods.

So, we had a pajama party. He brought back baked ziti and we sat in bed, watched two chick flicks and totally relaxed. My mood bounced back and we had fun doing basically nothing more than any other lame evening. Yet is was perfection as far as I was concerned.

Sometimes making a big deal of the milestones feels all important. Other times it can be nice to have a simple picnic or a pajama party for that matter. Either way – it’s so nice to have found a man who can go with the flow.

I never look back at all the dating I did with regret. Some of it was fun, some of it was devastating, some of it was tolerable. And just once – I hit the jackpot.

When you find the right man, I guarantee you will not look back and think about all the time you wasted. You will be grateful that you stuck with dating until you found the one. I did it and I know deep in my heart that you can do it too.

Dating Over 40: Sex Week at Yale

Can you believe this one? Back in 2002, a Yale student pulled together a few speakers for Valentine’s week and now it’s turned into a mighty extravaganza event with nationally known speakers. Sex Week at Yale covers an array of topics from p-o-r-n, to orgasm, to finding love.

And what a line up!

Dr. Ruth who needs no further introduction, Dr. Helen Fischer from the Rutgers Marriage Project (I mention her study in my book!) and also a consultant to Chemistry.com, Dr. Pepper Schwartz who works with True.com and the two guys from the VH1 show – the Pick Up Artist (that’s who I most want to see)

Here’s how the Sex Week official web site describes the event:

"Sex Week explores love, sex, intimacy and relationships by focusing on how sexuality is manifested in America, helping students to reconcile these issues in their own lives. We strive to get beyond the awkwardness, the discomfort, and the taboo of conventional sex education programs by treating sexual behavior as the reality it is, not as it has been portrayed. Through debates, seminars, fashion shows, concerts, and discussions, students are given the chance to interact formally and informally with professionals who deal with these issues every day, so they can learn about sexuality from those who are responsible for shaping it."

As it turns out, I’ll be speaking about finding love and Sex Week at Yale on WYBC in New Haven, 10:30am this coming Friday. Should be  a fun show with Lisa Wexler of Lunch with Lisa fame.

Apparently, they are making a movie about the event, but the trailer isn’t available yet. Oh well.

Let’s all do what we can to enjoy Sex Week at Yale, no matter where you are!

Dating Over 40: Marry Him – Atlantic Monthly’s Article on Why Women Should Settle

Raise your hand if you’ve ever thought about settling? A lot of women swear they would never settle, while others claim they have. Some settlers are very happy with their choice, while others are less enthusiastic about their results.

Most of this is irrelevant if you ask me, because first we need to establish what it means to SETTLE.

MSN.com has a video from the Today Show entitled "Should Women Settle" It was there yesterday but today you’ll need to use their  video search option. Anyway they interviewed 4 single women who refuse to settle and talk about friends who did who have heavy hearts. Then the interview shifts to Laurie Gottlieb, the author of the Atlantic Monthly’s article that featured this concept of settling. She talks about how she thinks 30 something women should settle earlier because you’ll have to make even more concessions later in life. Interesting…

Then they talked to Katelyn, matchmaker to the Stars who says it’s better to remain single than be lonely in your own marriage.

Here’s what I think. Both are correct.

How can I say that? It goes back to my point – we need to carefully define settling. According to the Dating Goddess (who is next month’s Decoding Dating interview by the way) she feels that women have let Brad Pitt completely ruin their chances for love.

The  Hollywood ideal of what is romantic is so unrealistic and overboard, that you may in fact remain single if you seek than type of man. Brad Pitt or George Clooney perfection does not actually exist. Remember they are in the movies. Make believe stories.

That’s what I think Laurie Gottlieb means. As Dr, Phil would say, "Get real about your choices." That has nothing to do with settling for someone you don’t genuinely like, someone who offends your sense of morals or values, or someone who doesn’t treat you with respect and caring. That’s what comes to mind about Katelyn, the matchmaker’s idea of settling.

No, I doubt that is what the Atlantic monthly writer means at all. She herself bemoans the number of fine men she discounted because while they were great guys, cute, smart, well-employed, she just didn’t feel that immediate spark. No Brad Pitt, heart throbbing,  intense sexual attraction.

And that is a very sad trap to which countless women succumb.

It’s easy to discount a man and cross him off your list. "I don’t like his hair, his clothes, his apartment’s decor, his laugh, his hobbies, his job." But, many of these men would be wonderful partners if you could get past your initial and often erroneous snap judgment and spend time getting to know the prince who lies beneath. You’d probably be pleasantly surprised.

In my 30′s, I did this very same thing. The few men I did meet did not interest me at all. But once I hit 40, I had to rethink what was truly important to me. Did I need my own mirror image of schooling, career success, income, and interests? No. I decided what I really needed what a man with a good heart, who listened to me, accepted and supported me emotionally, was easy to be with, honest, sweet and attractive to me.

I’m extremely happy that I settled. And I highly recommend that you identify for yourself what is crucial to your happiness vs. Hollywood window dressing that you can do without, but might be nice should it come your way.

Read more about how I settled for a heart of gold.