Dating After Divorce & Dating Over 40

As a dating coach for women who are dating over 40 or dating after divorce, I hear a lot about the need for chemistry. My clients talk about instant chemistry, hot chemistry, sparks flying, etc. You get the picture and you probably have your own description of this as well.

While I agree, there has to be attraction for a relationship to work, I’m going to tell you something that you might think is absolutely sacrilegious:

Hot chemistry is not an indication of a long-lasting partner.

What? How can I say that? Because I’ve lived it myself, I’ve read a lot about this topic by the experts and I’ve spoken to thousands of people about this requirement.

Hot chemistry, that sizzling, spark flying feeling is about lust and a great sexual partner. Unfortunately, that man often doesn’t have staying power regarding relationship vs. sexual satisfaction. Think about it. Right now, take a moment to think about the hottest guys you’ve been with.

• Did those relationships last more than a few months?
• Were the guys good to you and treat you well?
• Did you fight a lot followed by hot “make up sex”?

This is nature’s trick on women. I don’t know why. The men who seem the hottest to you most often disappoint you, break your heart, and leave you wondering what happened. After all, how could a man walk away from such passion? For one thing – there’s always more passion and another woman.

Yet, you pine for Mr. Chemistry. You miss him deeply and think with chemistry like that, the relationship was “meant to be.” But, I want you to hear this message loud and clear:

When you find a relationship that is “Meant To Be”,
it continues, it’s more joyful than drama-filled, and
you bring out the best in each other.

If you had a relationship that was hot and steamy and it ended, don’t go looking for a replacement with similar qualities. Enjoy those memories and be grateful you had a good time. But, WAKE UP. Open your eyes, heart and mind to seek a good man, a man with lasting power (not just in the bedroom). Look to meet men who are compatible in all areas that are important for a healthy, loving relationship.

Such qualities include honesty, integrity, a similar view of life and the world, money and work ethic, acceptance of each other’s religious beliefs, compatible life styles, some overlapping interests, and an appreciation for each other’s sense of humor. These are indicators of long-term potential in a man and a relationship.

You know how women say a man thinks with his little head vs. his big head sometimes? Same thing goes for you! Don’t think with your vajayjay. Use your head, not just your heart and nether regions. Those two parts of you are not always the best at making decisions about love. You know this is true because you start doing foolish things you regret to keep him around way past the good times.

If you want a satisfying, long-term, loving relationship, start thinking of other qualities first besides chemistry. You can still find someone you are attracted to and have good chemistry with. It might not be the super hot, totally engulfing chemistry – but that’s when you know you are onto a man who could be a really good match for life.

Photo Credit: zhouxuan

In this workshop, discover:

• Seven proven dating strategies to rev up your love life and find love again.
• How to attract men with greater ease and leverage your feminine charm
• Understand the mechanics of dating, (i.e. who should call/pay)
• Learn how to apply MANifesting techniques like affirmations, visualization, cellular imprinting and shaking your fist at the Goddess!
• Shift your beliefs about love, dating and men to stop self-sabotaging behaviors.

Transform your dating karma to find the love you want and deserve. I found love after 40 and I know you can too!

Tuesday, May 3rd, 7-9pm
Mystics by the Sea, 394 New Haven Avenue, Milford, CT
Fee: $29 per person

Call Mystics by the Sea to Register Today: 203-878-5640

What are they mad about? Here’s what my dating coaching clients tell me who are daitng over 40 and dating after divorce:

• No one writes
• No one returns an email
• People disappear and stop conversing
• Their photos are old
• The people who contact them are old
• Men only want younger women
• Women only want men who make a lot of money
• He only wants to write emails or texts
• She won’t meet me, but loves to talk on the phone

Trust me when I say it’s an endless list of complaints.

All of this is true of course. But how you look at it – that is what counts! That’s the most important thing. How can there even be more than one way to look at this?  What stinks, stinks – its that simple right?

Nope!

So much of the unhappiness and discontent stems from remarkably unrealistic expectations. But it may not be your fault. You just don’t know what to expect so you’ve made a few very large erroneous assumptions. Since you think the way you look at online dating is correct and your expectations are appropriate, you find your results to be dismal at best. As a dating coach, I hear about this topic all the time.

Enter Evan Marc Katz, an LA dating coach who spent time working at JDate.com where he learned a lot about the Internet as a search tool for love. He wrote a couple of very good books too. I’ve read, I Can’t Believe I’m Buying this Book: A Commonsense Guide to Internet Dating. He certainly is a pro.

Evan just wrote a post on his blog answering a question from a woman who is just 29. She complains about the net and Evan explains that even though you don’t like 90% of the people who write to you, only 10% are probably right for you anyway. So, expecting more is really the problem – that’s the point. As I said, erroneous expectations.

I also point out that women often want to stop the flow of the wrong men contacting them. But how do you do that? What you can do is stop the flow of ALL men contacting you if you aren’t careful with the messages you send out into the Universe. MANifesting works both ways – to attract more of what you DO want – or if you’re not careful, more of what you DON’T want.

If you think online dating stinks, then I encouarge you to read this post by Evan. It will help clear up some misconceptions about finding love online.

Mid afternoon, Sam walked up to my booth. He wasn’t wearing a ring so I couldn’t be sure of his relationship status. Sam was a friendly, curious guy who wanted to know EXACTLY what I tell midlife women who are dating over 40 or dating after divorce. I responded with three key points that created a very rich and fruitful conversation between us.

1. Please Give Men a Chance
So many women have ruthless opinions about men without giving it a second thought. They discount would be suitors as if they were flies at a picnic, swatting them away without any consideration. They see most men simply as pests without value.

What a shame! The truth is that some men you ignore could be wonderful, loving, supportive and interesting partners given a chance to get to know them. Sam agreed vehemently with a hearty – “Yeah! I know what you mean – that is SO true!”  Sam, a pleasant looking guy in his late 40′s stands about 5’9″. He didn’t have rock hard abs, or tower to 6 feet, but he had most of his hair, a wining smile and a heart-felt interest and curiosity about life.

Today, since being in relationship is a choice, rather than a NEED, women have adopted the attitude that  a partner must be the epitome of perfection or it’s not worth bothering. But no man is perfect,and neither are women. This stringent level of criteria will keep a women single which frankly,  pulls at my heart strings.

Absolutely nothing wrong with being single. But if you want to find love, you’ll need to open your eyes, mind and heart to men. Good men are out there if you ware willing to get to know a few to find the right one (not the perfect one) for you.

2. Hold off on Sex
Sam pushed me for more details asking what else I tell my dating coaching clients. My reply was to wait to have sex. I explained that not all, but some women get very attached immediately following sex. They feel strong bonds and start falling in love and  ”nesting behavior” which is a biological response from a hormone called oxytocin. (So its not your fault ladies – its natural!)

However, most men have the capacity to NOT confuse sex with love and they are not going to return the vision of a loving future together. They just wanted to get you into bed with no strings or grand thoughts of a cozy life together. This is also biological, ensuring the survival of the species (not his fault either).

Sam started to shake his head vigorously in agreement. Turns out he just got married two months ago. And back when he was dating his wife, she didn’t have sex with him for quite some time. As I share with my dating coaching clients, this is very wise. If you are the type of woman who confuses sex with love, you get your heart broken a lot. 

By waiting maybe 5-6 or even 10 dates, you’ll start to see if your new guy shows consistency and is really interested in getting to know you vs. just getting you into bed. That’s something only time can reveal.

Good Men Like Sam Are Out There
Dating and hoping to meet a wonderful woman like you. Can you give a guy a chance who doesn’t resemble George Clooney or Hugh Jackman? Can you give an above average guy the time of day vs. waiting for the one supreme man who many never cross your path?

 When you choose me as your dating coach, I’ll support you in expanding your definition of who is an acceptable man so you can find the love you want and deserve. You won’t be lowering your standards. You’ll be redefining your criteria to get realistic about men. Real love exists and can be yours once you open your heart to it. You can read more about opening your heart to love in my book MANIfesting Mr. Right.

Thanks Sam – great conversation!

Are you single again and not sure where to start ? Are you frustrated with your dating results?  Don’t worry, “The Secret” can help.  In this uplifting and information-packed workshop for women, you’ll learn how to apply the Law-of-Attraction to your love-life. You’ll also find out how to:

• Adopt Dater’s Mind for greater success
• Heighten your feminine charm
• Connect with your Inner Goddess to build confidence
• Flirt for the sheer fun of it
• Meet more men than ever!

And, you’ll discover how to overcome courtship confusion with Yin and Yang Dating Philosophy, plus loads of other practical dating advice that will make your efforts so much more fun and successful  When the workshop is over, you’ll leave with surefire “Attraction Plan & Action Plan” to find the love you want!

Tuesday, October 27th  7-9pm Sticks & Stones Farm, Newtown CT
Fee: $37
To register, visit www.sticksandstonesfarm.com or call 203-270-8820

The best point Marie Forleo makes in her book Make Every Man Want You is that there are no guarantees in love. That’s certainly true. Yet, I run into so many women who don’t have time to waste with the wrong guy. They make snap judgments about every man they meet since their free time is so limited. But  if you aren’t willing to take the time to get to know a man, how can you accurately determine his worthiness?

Since there are no guarantees, you must take calculated risks and check things out for yourself. There is no getting around getting to know people. Your Mr. Right might not be obvious in the first minute or two. Perhaps after 90 minutes or a few dates, you’ll both relax and start to learn things that excite you about the other person. There’s only one way to find out

Without a willingness to risk and take chances, you cannot find love. Perhaps that’s why according to a recent AARP study, only 16% of singles are doing anything to change their relationship status.

One of my dating coaching clients once said to me, “What do you want me to do ? Date strangers?” Yes! that’s exactly what I want  you to do. How many single men do you know right now who would be perfect for you? Two? One? None? Mostly likely the answer was “none.” 

You aren’t likely to meet a lot of men for a number of reasons:

• You aren’t normally that friendly
• You don’t like to talk to strangers
• You don’t meet many men on a daily basis
• You don’t notice men
• You are very task-oriented when you run errands
• You work with mostly women
• You don’t always look your best when you go out so you hope not to run into anyone
• You don’t leverage your network of friends or colleagues to meet new people or men

My friend Linda Gottlieb is a fitness coach who doesn’t believe in bullying people to get them fit. She has a more fun and customized approach to creating workouts that deliver for her clients. Nonetheless, even Linda would say you have to be willing to stretch to get results.

No pain no gain. It’s hard to get away from this statement when you are trying to start new habits or eliminate old ones.

Stretch yourself to find love. Try new things to meet the right man. Open up from the heart to make a heart connection. Risk wasting a few hours to discover if the man you are with has true potential as a life partner.

There really is no other choice. And once you find him, of course every step along the way got you there. Keep that in mind as you journey forth – every step you take brings you one step closer to the love you deserve.

Find out what she did when her stop came and she got off when you read the article and how they managed to fall in love.  This is exactly the kind of move I encourage in my workshop “The 100 Day Challenge.” While so many women feel timid about talking to strangers, that is exactly what can get you noticed.

Breaking the ice isn’t about the perfect line. You don’t need the wittiest comment. All that is required is a willingness to take a shot, push past your comfort zone and SAY SOMETHING!

If you wait until you have more confidence, you will never get started. spring is in the air. Get out there and start the ball rolling for a romantic spring filled with “men possiblitiies.”  Start by simply smiling at men with a little eye contact. Then force yuorlsef to say “hi.”

Next push yourself to strike up conversations. You will become more comfortable with just a little practice. Especially when you realize that 99% of men openly welcome your flirtatios approach.

This is not pursit! Oh no! YOu are not asking a man out for a date. This is leveraging your feminine charm and allure for all its worth – which is plenty!

After a brief conversation, don’t linger. If he doesn’t ask for your number, you can offer it if you feel compelled. Otherwise, just accept this as part of your training and let it go as a fun exchange which can build your confidence and strengthen your belief. The right man is out there and YOU WILL FIND HIM.

And best of all, if you continue to cross paths with men, flirt and talk to them,  appear to be a fun  person who is easy to be with, you WILL ATTRACT MORE MEN so HE CAN FIND YOU!

Read the article about this quirky love story. It will demonstrate that no matter how odd or  run-of-the-mill you are, if you want to find love and believe it is possible, take the steps to get out there and flirt – you can find it!

I found love over 40 and I know without question that you can too!

NETWORKING SINGLES RADIO SHOW

LA TALK RADIO The Art of Love Radio show with Lucia

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiGKWoJi5qM

And once you’ve watched, take time to reconfirm your own belief in love. The right man for you is out there. Your belief and ability to keep the search moving forward will help you find it. Love is your birth right. Don’t give up!

And what a line up!

Dr. Ruth who needs no further introduction, Dr. Helen Fischer from the Rutgers Marriage Project (I mention her study in my book!) and also a consultant to Chemistry.com, Dr. Pepper Schwartz who works with True.com and the two guys from the VH1 show – the Pick Up Artist (that’s who I most want to see)

Here’s how the Sex Week official web site describes the event:

"Sex Week explores love, sex, intimacy and relationships by focusing on how sexuality is manifested in America, helping students to reconcile these issues in their own lives. We strive to get beyond the awkwardness, the discomfort, and the taboo of conventional sex education programs by treating sexual behavior as the reality it is, not as it has been portrayed. Through debates, seminars, fashion shows, concerts, and discussions, students are given the chance to interact formally and informally with professionals who deal with these issues every day, so they can learn about sexuality from those who are responsible for shaping it."

As it turns out, I’ll be speaking about finding love and Sex Week at Yale on WYBC in New Haven, 10:30am this coming Friday. Should be  a fun show with Lisa Wexler of Lunch with Lisa fame.

Apparently, they are making a movie about the event, but the trailer isn’t available yet. Oh well.

Let’s all do what we can to enjoy Sex Week at Yale, no matter where you are!