Dating Over 40: Serial Monogamy – The Opposite of Dating

Have you heard of this term - Serial Monogamy? Until recently, I hadn’t. But I just interviewed a matchmaker from Massachusetts, Lanie Delphin of Massmatch.com. Lanie explained that serial monogamy is the result of people who don’t really want to date. They just want to be in a relationship.

The pattern involves rushing from the first date  immediatley into a relationship. Any relationship, without much concern if the person is a good match. This can lead to a series of relationships that don’t last. Some for weeks, some for three months, some for two years. Serial momogamy becomes a series of monogamous relationships that don’t work out.

Lanie feels that the solution to this syndrome, is to date – date a lot. The idea is to date casually and not get emotionally involved until you get to know a number of people who are potential mates. Then, once you see where things shake out, you have far more knowledge about the prospects in your dating pool. And this knowledge helps you to make a more informed decision about the right match for you.

There is some definite wisdom to this philosophy. I dated a lot of men before I settled into relationship with the man who is now my husband.  But, to some extent, you need to find someone you get a long with and then hang in their a while before you really know. Things happen as you spend more time with people that are telling. That’s why it’s good to get to know someone through all four seaons before getting married.

It helps to see what happens when you have a disagreement. How do you each handle a fight? How do things get resolved? Do you both fight fairly, maturely? Or does it get ugly? Really, how can you know these things without being together for some time?

I think the idea of dating casually until you find someone that feels like a good fit makes a lot of sense. Its great to meet lots of people, try different types to get to know what works and what to rule out. But at some point you will have to settle in and check things out. I don’t know of another way to find out if a person has relationship potential.  Perhaps the idea is to pre-qualify as best you can before launching into that couple phase.

Keeping your head about you, collecting information about how your date meets your long-term criteria and treats you, remaining objective for as long as possible. These are the smart things to do during your dating journey. Many get swayed quickly by emotion and then logic goes out the window. That’s really the key factor in finding a successful relationship.

I’d love to hear your reaction to this concept so please feel free to chime in!

And make hay while it’s May – this is the best time of year to get yoru dating campaign moving!

 

Dating Over 40: Should a Woman Bring Up the Topic of Marriage?

Pardon my fury, but I can’t help but get riled up when I read advice like this from another dating professional.

Matt of Matched in Manhattan (Lifetime network show) writes an advice column for a site called SassyBean. In this post, a woman states how in love she is with her boyfriend and that she’d like to bring up marriage. Matt advices strongly against it with the "bite your lip" philosophy of dating. He thinks women should never bring it up because men have a "birth defect" about commitment and they’ll run.

Oh come on!

Let’s get serious - If women didn’t bring up the future, how many would ever get married? I had to bring it up in month seven. We didn’t agree to get engaged until month 13, but what would have happened if I kept my desire to myself?

As one dating coach to another, I’ll cut Matt a little slack because the SassyBean web site appeals to younger women.  True, younger men are  less inclined to commit. On the other hand, some men will never commit regardless of how old they get.

For women 35+, I say BRING IT UP!  You are better served by letting your man know what you want or suffer the consequences of hanging in limbo from now until…

Of course, HOW and WHEN you bring this up is another story. As to the when, maybe not in the first three to six months. No one likes to feel rushed. And, you have to see if your romance has any  longevity before you start thinking about your MRS.

However, I’m a firm believer in bringing this up right at the start when you’re dating online . State your relationship goal right in your profile. Then there’s no confusion about what you are looking for. This is very different than speaking to your man about when the two of you might get hitched.

As to the how, foot stomping, demanding or crying will not help your cause. Find a way to ease into the conversation.  This way he’ll know what’s coming.  What’s so bad about asking, "Do you think about a future together?"  While there are some rare guys who will make a plan, buy a ring and propose without any prompting, my bet is that at least 75% of couples (or more) discuss marriage before the man is ready and before the ring is purchased.

Yes, you don’t want to chase the guy away. Unless he doesn’t want what you want and then you’d be better off knowing so you can make new plans accordingly. At some point, the vast majority of women bring this up.  Maybe Matt gives better advice to guys.