Dating Over 40: When I Tell New Men about My Health, They Run

Mary commented on one of my recent blogs and asked me a serious question. She is a cancer survivor and has noticed that when she meets someone new and shares her health situation, her dates usually don’t contact her again. She’s frustrated with this but feels she needs to be upfront and honest.

My heart goes out to Mary and of course anyone who is in this situation for several reasons. But, I’m going to confine my comments here to dating.

I realize this is a big statement but I’m going to say it anyway.

As a woman, when you are meeting a new guy, meet him first as a desirable woman. That is your job as a dater. When you are looking for love, the people you meet will want to know how you will fill this roll first.

Sometimes women go on a date as a mother first, sharing everything about her children. This isn’t a good approach because men want to know they have a chance of being important too and maybe top priority at least on ocassion. (By the way, this is also true for women meeting fathers.)

Sometimes women go on a date as a powerful executive. This can be a problem because he might feel that you want to compete with him – a surefire romance killer. Men already compete with us in the work force, they don’t want to do it on a date as well.

Sometimes women go on a date as  a victim of a bad bad marriage, difficult childhood, financial strain, troubled dating life, etc. These things maybe be true about your life, but not what you want to lead with when meeting someone new. The savvy over 40 dating and dating after divorce approach is to put your best foot forward, and lead with what is good about you and your life.

Sometimes women go on a date as their health report. Your health is a crucial and major factor in your life. But don’t lead with it in the same way a person who is the picture of health doesn’t lead with that either. No one goes on a date and says, “I’m really healthy,  date me!”

Dating is about getting to know another person to discover if you are compatible, enjoy each others’ company and have chemistry. Once you bring up difficult subjects and private details, you shift the focus off your personality and good qualities and place it on your troubles. There is plenty of time to share those intimate details.

Holding off about your health or other issues is not hiding the facts. However, it is much better than leading with your concerns.  You don’t want to challenge your dates by saying, “Here’s a big problem – and I challenge you to get to know me and love me anyway.”  In reality and fairness, not many would sign up.

You will tell your date and you will be honest.  But first, wait to see:

If he calls you for a second date?
If he is consistent – does he call you regularly?
If he asks to see you and takes you on dates?
If he asks about your life?
If he treats you the way you want to be treated?
If he is fun to be with?
If he shares similar values and seems compatible?

You need to first give yourselves a chance to get to know each other  to discover what is good.

The point of dating is not full disclosure upfront to see if your date will take up the challenge that you represent. The point of dating is to see if there is a potential match before you share intimate details and discuss your issues. This is totally normal and not deceptive in the least.

After 4 – 6 dates, if you start to see potential in your date, then you can bring up some of your issues, whether they be health-related, about your ex, children, financials, or whatever troubles you want to share.

This allows your dates a shot at getting to know what’s wonderful about you to lay a foundation of trust and interest. Then, when you share a personal problem, there is a better chance the person might stick around anyway. Because they have become interested in your life and started to care about you. Their heart is more open to you as a whole person, not just as the problem you shared upfront.

On the flip side, if what you share is too much for him, 4-6 dates is not that much time to have invested. It won’t be that hard to move on if that is what he chooses to do.

In mid-life dating there will always be some sort of baggage. That is part of life and dating. Some bags are heavier and more serious than others, its true. But give people a chance to know who you are as a person before you label yourself with your problems and share more information than they really deserve to know.

Let me close with this brief story. My friend’s daughter Sarah fell for a guy at 24 who was a total cad. He was HIV positive and didn’t tell her.  She didn’t insist on protection and she contracted the disease.

Fast forward four years. Sarah meets Al. They start dating and really enjoying each others’ company.  She was worried about telling Al of course. But not only did he stick around, he asked her to marry him. They’ve been together and happy for 15 years and she is actually healthy at this point with  the HIV non-detectable in her blood.

Anything is possible. Give yourself and  love a chance.

Photo credit Ambert

Dating After Divorce: Six Ways to Get Past Your Resistance to Getting Started on the Dating Journey

You’ve been divorced for a while now, maybe a year, maybe a lot longer. Friends have asked you what you are doing to meet men, but you calmly reply, "Not much." And that’s OK, for a while. Not that everyone must have a new relationship. I understand how it’s not for everyone. But if you have plans of someday finding love again, may I gently inquire, "What are you waiting for?"
 
Believe it or, more time won’t make it any easier to get started. In fact, the longer you wait, the more non-dating inertia has a tendency to build up. This non-dating inertia is a very real concern. According to dictionary.com, Inertia means "Inactivity with regard to effort, action or motion." From physics you may remember that a body in motion in more likely to stay on motion, while a body at rest is more likely to stay…at rest! This is exactly why I recommend getting started and doing something to meet men.
 
Naturally there is a period of recovery after divorce. It’s very important to rebuild self-esteem and get clear on who you are and what works for you. But after that has been accomplished, how can you make the transition into the dating arena?
 
Well it differs from person to person. Try any of these options or all of them and see what happens. Just like the lottery, you can’t win if you don’t play! Have fun out there – yes it CAN be fun.
 

Take it Slow Options
1. Take it slowly.
Find a single friend and go to a singles dance. Smile and be friendly and don’t worry about meeting anyone special. Just practice being friendly and getting comfortable.
 
2. Start super slowly.
Look for events where you can meet new people, single or not. For example, if you are over 50, the Red Hat Society is for women of any marital status who want to get together and have fun. Meeting new women expands your social circle which is very positive and helpful.
 
3. The smallest possible step.
Put a date on your calendar for sometime in the future when come hell or high water you will definitely take a first step to meet new people. It can be helpful to give yourself this last little waiting period for some folks who have a lot of trepidation.

Hit the Ground Running Options 
4. Get moving now.
Look in the calendar section of your local paper and make a note of any events you want to attend.  Put them in your calendar and call to RSVP if required. Make a commitment and go!
 
5. Jump in!
Sign up for a speed dating event and show up. Remember, you might not meet anyone special the first time or two, but its fabulous flirting practice. Go with a smile on your face and a sense of adventure.
 
6. Launch your dating journey.
Start asking friends, family and then even colleagues and acquaintances if they know any single men. Simply say you’d like to meet someone and ask if they know of any appropriate single men. You’ll be surprised how happy 99% of the people are to give this some thought to help match you up.
 

Dating Over 40: Why can’t a man just tell you when things are over?

 

Dear Dating Coach,

Dating Over 40: Diary of a mid-Life Dater – When the New Man Shows Up

How exciting! One of my clients has just connected with a new man with real potential. Honestly, we are both thrilled. And she has allowed me to share her story with you in this new series of posts- Diary of a Mid-Life Dater.

Shellie has been divorced for 15 years. Her marriage ended when she was still quite young so she is just 48. I’ve been working with Shellie on and off for nearly four years and the changes have been remarkable.

The Background
When I first met Shellie, she was really wanting to date and longing for love. She told me about the many things she had done to find love and was fairly disappointed with her results. Being spiritually-minded, Shellie had tried almost everything in the book to attract love into her life, including:

• Candle Lighting
• Body Work
• Affirmations
• Prayer
• Visualization, etc.

You get the idea. Interestingly enough, Shellie had missed one very important step in the self-help arena. While these are all wonderful MANifesting techniques (many of which I share in my book MANifesting Mr. Right, Chapter 7), she had done nothing to actually go out and meet men. This may seem obvious, but I can’t tell you how many times clients tell me this sort of thing.

Shellie actually looked at me with great surprise as I suggested she should come up with her own Dating Action Plan. What ways would she like to try to cross paths with single men? We worked on this together. And within the past few years she has had two long-term relationships. Even though neither worked out, she was still glad for everything that had transpired and what she learned from both men.

Shellie’s Type
Most women, not all, have a type of guy to which they are most attracted. No exception, Shellie admits that she prefers confident, charming men who know how to take charge. Unfortunately, these men also tend to be womanizers. That is who she attracts, even though she doesn’t want to be with such a man. But similar personality flaws are part of the package deal when you have a type.

However, in the last six months, there has been a new and very noticeable shift in Shellie. She’s been enjoying her life more. She’s been dressing more femininely. She’s been a lot more friendly. And she’s been meeting new guys every where she goes.

So many times women write to me asking where they can find elligible single men of means – as if there is a certain place they all hang out and only a few special people know the location. (As if I’d be one of those people?) Sorry, but this is just not true. And what Shellie demonstrates so beautifully is that it doesn’t matter all that much where you go. What matters is WHO ARE YOU WHEN YOU MEET THE MEN?   

How She Met the New Man
A few weekends ago, Shellie went with a bunch of friends to a singles dance. She was her usual self – dancing and having a great time. On one trip back from the ladies room, her eyes locked with Mitch’s. She said they just looked at each other and started talking like everything was as it should be. Shellie and Mitch danced the rest of the night together. Then he asked for her number.

Mitch called Shellie the next day and asked her out for the following weekend. They chatted a bit during the week, but not too much. Their first date was to a local concert. Shellie was, shall we say, very excited. Mitch is definitely one of the good guys in her mind and she really enjoyed the date and his company. Plus, he was a really good kisser, always a bonus for Shellie. They proceeded to have two more dates the next weekend.

Dinner at Mitch’s
Then the first potential hiccup happened. Mitch invited Shellie over for dinner. With her antennae up, Shellie was concerned because we had talked many times about not going to someone’s house until you feel ready for intimacy. This strategy helps avoid those "I just couldn’t help it " scenarios that crop up from time to time. She decided she wanted to go any way and planned her quick exit in case it was needed. Not needed though, Mitch was a total gentleman.

Mitch is Different
After Mitch cooked Shellie dinner, she reported in to me about the date. Everything went well and she had a very nice time, again. Then, Shellie spoke the magic words (they’re magic from a dating coach’s perspective) "He’s different than the other guys I tend to date." Eureka!!!

When a client tells me the person they are seeing is different from the usual suspects, I get cautiously excited. Because one thing I know for sure – when you get past your type and stretch your comfort zone to consider a new personality, you are so much more likely to find a good match!  

We’re wait for the next piece of news to see how things are going, but personally I’m feeling rather optimistic. More to follow…