I’m 45, divorce three years and ready to start meeting men!  I decided to try the online dating thing and have  question.

When on a dating site, such as Match.com, what is the etiquette about contacting men?  Should I just wait for men to connect with me, either through a wink or an email? Is it okay to send a quick “hello” message, or is that too much moving into the man’s territory being the pursuer?  I know your advice as a dating coach is against taking over the man’s role in dating, so I want to see what you have to say.

Thanks for your help!
Ready for Love

Dear Ready,

I tell my clients that contacting men is perfectly fine. I definitely think you  have to wait for men to contact you. Go for it!

This is not being forward or usurping a man’s right to pursue you – its being friendly! Same thing goes for talking to men at a bar, singles event or any where for that matter. You can always walk up to a man and strike up a conversation! Just don’t linger. Give him the space to come and find you later if he’s interested.

Same thing for online dating. Here are a few tips to keep things light and improve your chances of getting a response when trying web dating. These are the “Do’s”

Do’s
1. Keep your email to a sentence or two
2. Ask a question from something in his profile – this shows you’ve read it
3. Add a comment or compliment about something that struck you from his profile
4. Don’t waste time writing anything about you – that’s all in your profile
5. Don’t talk about how much you have in common – he’ll be the judge of that

Don’ts
1. Expect that every man will answer you
This has nothing to do with you – its just the way things are. After all, you don’t respond to every man, and if you do, please stop. That is a waste of your precious time.

2. Don’t email more than 2-3 men at a time
Things can get confusing with online dating. Make your life easy and don’t approach more than a few guys at time. This will make it much easier to keep track of who is who and also easier to converse. Do yourself a favor and don’t get overwhelmed and be too aggressive with your search.

3. Fall in love with a profile
It’s just a profile and frequently embellished or sometimes, sadly – fiction. You’ve got to email, talk on the phone and meet the guy to know if he’s who he says he is. This takes time. So don’t fall in love with how good he sounds on paper.

4. Don’t encourage pen pals
Unless you want a pen pal, beware of men who love to email you and text, but can’t seem to have phone conversations. Or they love to talk on the phone, but just can’t find time to meet you. I know people who have fallen for this and had virtual relationships for 6 months waiting to meet the person. It likely won’t happen!

5. Get all bummed out about rejection after every man you email.
Online dating involves a fair share of rejection. But that is just a part of the game.  Please don’t get all down in the dumps because some guys don’t follow through.  Online dating is a numbers game so keep going. There are more than 40 million singles online – how many have you met?

6. Get unrealistic with timing.
You have to collect a lot of data about a prospect to know if he’s good date or mate material.  Know this is a process and that every thing takes time. If you are in a hurry, count on lots of disappointment. Things don’t hurry up just because you feel the clock ticking or want it right now.

Of course, there is so much more I can share with you  and will in my next ebook begin written right now. Look for it this fall.

In the meantime – have fun! 20% of relationships today start on the Internet. Whether or not you decide to become a dating coaching client, these tips will help you find greater success online

“Every time I meet someone on a dating website, they turn out to be completely opposite of what I read about them. There are also a lot of creepy people on them also. How do I weed them out?”

Missing the Mark is Missouri

Dear Missing,

Thanks for your question. Sorry to hear that folks seem different than their profiles. The problem is that most people don’t really know how to describe themselves and usually the vast majority of online profiles sound surprisingly similar. That’s why I help a lot of dating coaching clients write their profiles – so they can stand out from the crowd and get noticed more quickly.

Not sure what your “weeding” process looks like so it’s hard to comment on how to improve it. The trick is to read between the lines, email a few times, talk on the phone once or twice and meet for an hour.

I totally understand how you feel. This is exactly  the kind of thing I do with my dating coaching clients who have felt like you  do. We work on creating a system to qualify prospects before meeting them.  And what clients have found is that with a few changes and some new savvy about the process, they get much better at reading between the lines and weeding men out who are not appropriate.

You do need to keep in mind that in order to find your prince, you will need to weed through a lot of frogs. That’s just how it works and there’s no way around it. But you will learn a tremendous amount about yourself, what you are looking for and what will work for you as you move through the process with your eyes, heart and mind open to men and love.

Sometimes women think the dating process should be really quick and easy since you can just pick the right man from the “online catalog” of match.com. (That’s a great post to read.) Unfortunately, that’s not so realistic. It takes time, patience, faith and the ability to laugh and stay light-hearted!

Don’t let yourself get down about it all. Keep in mind that every man you meet brings you one man closer to the right one for you. He’s out there I know it. I found love. So many of my clients  have found love. And what that means is you too can find love.

Let me know if I can help!

photo credit: frankartculinary

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I’m not a big fan of personality tests on web sites. In fact, I spoke to a woman once who talked directly to someone inside eharmony who admitted they don’t really match on all 29 personality characteristics. Not only that, they just don’t have the inventory of men over 35. But free is free and this isn’t eHarmony. It’s part of Match.com – the biggest online dating site there is.

So if you have ever been curious, NOW is the TIME!

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Do you need some help writing a profile? No problem.
Read my article: 5  Tips to Make Online Dating Sizzle

Then yesterday at about 4pm, Dave felt spontaneous. Since he found himself without a plan for the evening, maybe she’d like to get together? Heather was excited because Dave seemed, fun, bright, interesting, successful, and his photo looked great. So she said, “Sure!”

Dave lived in a town about 20 minutes away. He wasn’t that familiar with where Heather lived so he suggested two places in his own town. Heather thought about this and it made her wonder. Part of her thought, “I love to try new places!”

But another part of her mulled over the possibility that this was some sort of red flag.  She took note of the fact that he was asking her to drive to him. Heather couldn’t decide if she should shake off this negativity and just go or re-evaluate the offer and Dave. Excellent question isn’t it?

That’s when Heather picked up the phone to call me. She told me the story and with each new piece of information, I helped her “interpret” what Dave was saying, between the lines. This is an important skill for success with online dating. Here’s what I thought Dave meant:

*******

What Dave Said: “His work is bi-coastal and he spends a lot of time in California. Dave wasn’t sure when he’d have time to get together.”

What Dave Meant: Don’t expect much from me. I’m really busy/dating other women/can’t be bothered…etc. Hard to say exactly why he doesn’t want women to expect much.

What Dave Said: “He felt spontaneous. Since he found himself without plans for the evening, maybe she’d like to get together.”

What Dave Meant: I don’t plan ahead/Let’s see if she’ll bite/I’ve got nothing else to do.

What Dave Said: “He wasn’t that familiar with where Heather lived so he suggested two places in his own town.

What Dave Meant: I’m not investing much/Let her come to me/Its all about me.

********

Now, I agree, who knows what Dave is really thinking. I’m not that adept at mind reading. So, I suggested to Heather (as I would with any dating coaching client) that if she had nothing to do and wanted to meet him that night, what the heck?

We also discussed how the beginning of a relationship, even the first email, sets the tone for the future. That’s what was behind Heather’s decision  to pick a spot half way between them to meet. She wants a balanced relationship and has, in the past, been prone to giving more than she received. Asking him to meet her half way was a good step in the right direction for balance.

We’ll see what happened with Heather and Dave. My bet is he’s a player, not real boyfriend material. I’ll keep you posted.

Here’s a thought – Wouldn’t it be a relief and tremendous advantage if you had someone to call to discuss your perplexing dating questions with?

Well now you can! Just call me at 203-877-3777 to schedule a private dating coaching session and get all your dating questions answered. Whether you need help with online dating, where to meet men, understanding your man, believing love is possible, or figuring out how to get started, I’m here to help.

Ready to a new approach with your online dating efforts? Here’s the online dating expert who can help you shake things up to get the results you want. 

eFlirt Expert

Introducing today’s guest blogger, Laurie Davis, founder of eFlirt Expert and co-host of the weekly web show, LoveNation. She helps singles market themselves to become successful daters, is the current NY Tech Dating Examiner and a contributing writer for The Guyds.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
There are a lot of things to love on Valentine’s Day and your singledom is one of them!  Yup, you read that right.  Loving your singledom on V Day is just as important as the requisite box of chocolates.    Make February 14^th the day to refocus yourself and have fun dating online!  Below are eFlirt Expert  approved ways to empower yourself to step outside of your virtual dating box.

Join a New Dating Site.  If you’re not dating online yet, you need to start.  Gone is the stigma, and the “internet marrieds”  trend has begun.  For those of you who are dating on the web, try a new site.  You’ll tap in to a new population of matches.  You don’t have to spend a bundle either – join a free site like Okcupid , try Match.com’s  free three day trial or participate in eHarmony’s free communication weekend Feb 11-15

Let Go Of Expectations.  Feeling jaded from past online dating experiences?  Start fresh by banishing negativity.  For every negative thought you have, commit to emailing one more match.  Re-think your “type”  and communicate with a wider range of matches.

Go To A Singles Event.  Speed dating events and singles mixers are perfect supplements for online dating.  Do a quick Google search for your city or join meetup   groups.  Choose events that focus on activities that interest you.

Revamp Your Profile.  Add new photos  and text to your profile.  A fresh take on what you’re looking for and your interests will give your profile a whole new look!  You might even catch the eye of a match who has previously overlooked you.  Still not getting the attention you want?  Get an eMakeover .

With a little effort towards your single-self, you’ll be happier than a Hallmark card could ever leave you!

Want more Blog-a-thon? Great! To read posts from the first two days, see links below and enjoy.

To read Day 1 by the Dating Goddess, midlife dating expert click here
To read Day 2 by Alyssa Johnson, relationships after divorce expert click here

There is so much noise out there in the dating business. People naturally take different approaches. Mine is a positive outlook and one that I hope inspires and informs so that you can get out there to find the love you want. On the other hand, there are experts who talk about the downside and negatives. Not sure why or what the benefit is.

But I can respond to this concept of the Internet causing more adults to be single and commitment averse.

Internet Dating Causes Adults to Stay Single – NOT!
The Internet has NOT created more adults who are single and never married. While there maybe a “candy store” mentality that some folks operate under, always wanting to try another flavor, the Internet did not create this. Here are some factors that did help create this social phenomenon of half the adult US population being single.

1. Women’s Liberation allowed women to go to work, become financially independent and take care of themselves. We no longer NEED men, but many of us still want one for the partnership, romance, and/or child rearing.

2. The Sexual Revolution made it OK to have sex without commitment. OK for men and OK for women. Remember that old adage, “Why buy the cow when the milk is free?” Well there you go – cow buying is no longer required. No, we are relying on people’s desire to commit rather than necessity for financial stability or intimacy.

3. A 60% divorce rate has generated many mid-life singles.

Serial Dating vs. Committed Long-Term Relationships
Serial dating is a symptom of something even bigger than Internet dating which is happening in our society. Today, change is the constant in our fast-paced lives. This however was not always true. People used to find a job, get married and live in the same house for life.

But, before you lament the loss of life-long partnerships, think about this:
-          How many people work for one company throughout their career today vs. in the 1950′s or 60′s?
-          How many people live in the same house for decades or for life?

Given these two foundational mainstays of our previous stable lifestyle, it’s not that surprising today, with all the upheaval and changes, that romantic partnerships might not last either.

When I work with my over 40 dating coaching clients or speak to singles groups, and someone brings up feeling bad  about several broken relationships, here’s what I say:

“Today, change is part of life. Situations shift and end all the time. Most importantly,  learn from your experiences and possible mistakes and move forward in growth to create something new and better.”

That’s my view on the state of monogamy and relationships today. The Internet is not responsible for the fickle taste of men or women. Online dating is not guilty of creating a rampant single society. And in addition, Match.com did not start women’s lib, the sexual revolution or a 60% divorce rate.

People are the cause of these situations! OK and maybe the media for creating unrealistic expectations that many hold for the opposite sex. But that is still people who are influenced by the media. We, as adults, are responsible for how we react to the world and what it offers us.

To all of you dating over 40 or dating after divorce, stop looking to place blame about what you don’t want and feel angry about. Replace that anger by thinking about what you do want and how you can make it happen. Then get out there and do something about it!

Dating Disappointment

- Do you get disappointed after a few emails?
– Do you get sucked in by a man’s voice, then feel empty when you meet in person?
– Do you start planning your future after a first date?

These expectations are natural for women who are dating. But not very pleasant. And sometimes they can impede your progress and cut into your willingness to continue the search.

My over 40 dating coaching client Sally just emailed on this very topic so I thought I would share my answer  with you too. Sally had a fabulous email exchange going with Ted. After about 15 email exchanges, they finally got to talk on the phone and…bummer. No phone chemistry. How could that happen? Sad as it is to say, it just does.

Sally had read my post on 5 tips to make online dating sizzle and expressed that she wished she had known about the “2-3 emails before a phone call” tip sooner. She could  have avoided the build up in her head about Ted brought on by many fun emails with him. As a dating coach, my heart goes out to women who experience these unnecessary disappointments. But there are some solutions that can help, so please read on.

3 Strategies  to Manage Expectations and Avoid Devastating Disappointment

1. Never fall in love with an email, a phone conversation or a first date. Men must prove themselves and that takes time to get to know them and observe their behavior. If you fall in love from the get go with out collecting all the data, you are in love with the idea and not the man.

To thwart this tendency, the best outlook is what I call the  ”We’ll See” attitude. Don’t draw any conclusions but continue to collect more information. Does he follow through? Is he a man of his word? Do you enjoy time with him? Is he consistent? Does he treat you well? That’s the point of dating!

It’s not necessarily easy to do, but applying the “We’ll See” attitude will make a huge difference in guarding your heart.

2. Another strategy to avoid disappointment is chatting with and dating multiple men at the same time.  Then you don’t spend too much time focused on any one guy. This really worked well for me.

Women naturally start thinking about a guy they are attracted to and its totally normal.  The problem is HOW MUCH TIME  is spent  thinking about a new candidate? And how emotionally invested you get in the possibility HE represents?

When you are emailing more than one guy, talking to several men, and meeting different candidates on a regular basis, you can stay balanced with your thinking. You can avoid the “eggs in one basket” syndrome that tends to lead a woman down an emotionally precarious road of thinking any particular guy could be “The One.”

3. The third over 40 dating (or at any age) strategy is simple distraction. To ensure you don’t think too much,  take a walk, read a book, clean out your closet, go out with a girlfriend, or start a project. Anything you can do to not think about HIM will work!

Sometimes you have to play mind games with yourself for your own good. These three  strategies have worked really well for many women who are dating over 40 or at any age.

So what’s a woman to do?
Learn how to be more effective on the net!

Here are five tips that will help you get the most from your online efforts. I’ve consulted with a number of experts, compiled their advice and shared it here with you.

1. Your Profile Should Intrigue Men
Women often write profiles thinking they need to provide every detail. Don’t do it! Most men don’t want to read a bunch of personal details. And amazingly, most profiles sound the same. You’re comfortable at a picnic or drinking champagne, you love cultural events, you like to read the paper on Sundays and go to the movies. Boring! Find a way to stand out. You don’t need to give your resume, just a piece of the puzzle to capture his attention and make him want to know more.

2. Email Starts a Conversation
There’s a tendency to repeat details from your profile in your first contact emails. Don’t do it! Instead, write something about his profile. make a humorous comment or ask him a single question about what you read that attracted you to him. Keep it short, upbeat and flirty.

3. Get from Email to Phone ASAP
You may think you are getting to know someone better when you email longer, but this is not the best strategy. Better to email 2-3 times, then get to the phone. You have to converse before you can meet and the net is a numbers game, so meet the guy and find out if there is potential. If not, you can move on. If you like him, you’ll find out if he’s really interested in you when he asks for a second date.

4. Phone Calls Are for Scheduling the First Meeting
I’ve had many coaching clients tell me they chatted for hours from the very first call. Don’t do it! The point of the phone call is to hear his voice, find out if you can hold a conversation and want to know more, and schedule the first date. Regardless of how great the conversation is, end it after 20-30minutes and save something for your live date. You don’t need to tell each everything and in fact you could very well shoot yourself in the foot if you do.

5. First Date = Short Date
The purpose of your first date is to see if there is any potential for a real date. Coffee dates are like first interviews. The point is to discover if a second date is warranted and nothing more.

Don’t get sucked into dinner dates or let a coffee date turn into a marathoner. Have a glass of wine, a cup of coffee or a milkshake (I had a client who loved this). Chat for an hour or 90 minutes tops. Smile, say thank you and wrap it up. Leave him wanting more so there will hopefully be a second date.

Try these 5 proven tips suggested by me and many of my fellow experts to get your online dating sizzling and minimize your frustration.

photo credit: Eflon

Anyway, I was talking about Internet Dating: 10 Myths vs. Reality.  What’s the number one myth? That finding a man online is like catalog shopping! Yes, you know exactly what I mean and you may have fallen victim to this thinking. It’s understandable, so don’t feel bad if it has happened to you.

When you visit sites like match.com – there are literally millions of profiles to view. Some people (especially regarding men’s behavior)  refer to this as “Candy Store Mentality.” So many flavors to choose from! But we women have our own problem mentality which I call “Catalog Shopping.”

Let me give you an example. Say you’re shopping online looking at Coldwater Creek or Chicos, Lands End or Overstock.com. It’s easy to buy clothing or housewares from these sites. You click through the pages looking at tons of photos and reading descriptions…searching for just what you want.

On sites like match or yahoo personals, you use this same methodology, looking at photos of men, to find what you want right? You read lots profiles to determine if the male options meet your expectations and needs.

Problem is – finding a man isn’t really like buying housewares or clothing. A man is much more like a big ticket item – similar to a car. It’s true!

Think about it this way. When you shop for a car, do you limit yourself to collecting all your data online? Of course not! You may do your research first via the Internet, but then you go out to actually see the car.  You sit in the vehicle to feel if its comfortable and drive it to see how it handles.

Well same things goes for a man! You can’t tell completely if he might be a good fit or how he handles via the web. An in-person inspection is required. That’s exactly why your Catalog Shopping mentality severely limits the number of men you meet and your dating success.

Just like with a car, you need a personal experience with the man to decide how good of a prospect he is. I know, you have very little time and don’t want to waste any on obviously mad matches which is the reason you make these snap judgments.

But what about the fence sitters? The men you aren’t sure about, so you pass over them. More often than not, the good men are these guys who you eliminate  for a variety of superficial reasons:

• Poor spelling
• Bad photo
• Boring profile
• Wrong college

These are not great reasons to pass on someone and they dramatically limit your prospects. Countless dating coaching clients(especially over 40)  tell me they just abhor spelling errors and simply can’t tolerate it. If you can’t tolerate spelling problems, you probably can’t tolerate men – because there’s a whole lot more to a relationship than that.  Please come back to earth and get real.

Consider this advice – Stop deleting and start giving these men a chance.  Being discerning is important, but hyper-selectivity is an obstacle to finding love.  The easiest thing you can do is say “No.”  But, it takes courage and vision to give more guys a chance. And the reward?  A  far greater shot of meeting the right man for you.

Think about trading up from being a ”Catalog Shopper” to a “Tire Kicker.”  You’ll meet a heck of a lot more men – which is truly the key to finding the love you want.