5 Golden Rings

Remember that fun Christmas song “A Partridge in a Pair Tree”? It has gifts that you sing about – one for each of the 12 days of Christmas. The fifth day features “5 golden rings”.  As a single woman, when you hear this, your thoughts might drift off to something like…Five? All I need is one!

It’s true, one golden ring is what many single women seek. For some, you have not found the right man yet and haven’t gotten to the altar. For others, you’ve been to the altar and back, having gotten divorced. Yet, you might want to marry again. And why not, if that is your heart’s desire?

So, this ring you dream of, how are you going to get it? You can’t grab it on the carousel – that’s a brass ring. You won’t likely find what you want in a box of Crackerjacks either. You can buy one for yourself, but the sentiment won’t be there. It’s not one of the gold rings from the Olympics.

The ring you want is a symbol, not just a piece of gold jewelry. It’s a symbol of commitment and love.

If you have a deep desire to find love, as your dating coach I entreat you! Do something about it!

Now you may say to me, Ronnie, I’ve done a lot to meet the right man, but still haven’t found him. OK, I hear you. It happens. These things can take time. If you’ve been dating for a while without getting the results you want, here’s a clue about what to do next…

Try something different.

You see, if you want your result to be different, you have to DO something different. You can’t keep following the same footsteps, attending the same dances, going to the same bars, or whatever you are doing and expect that something miraculous will happen. Uh uh. Nope, that’s not how things work.

Here are some suggestions to get you out of your dating rut:

1. Conduct a self-assessment to see if  you might be in your own way.
   - Are you friendly enough?
   - Are you too picky?
   - Are you quick to judge?
   - Do you have a type?
   - Are you fun and easy to be with?
   - Do you complain a lot about dating to the men you meet?
2. Is your confidence where it should be? What can you do to bolster your self-esteem?
3. You have to follow a new path with some new avenues to meet men.
   - Look up some Meetup groups
   - Talk to other singles to find out what they do and where they go
   - Get over your fear of online dating and give it a shot.

Are ready to give online dating a chance?

I’ve got an amazing Online Dating workshop for you that starts January 16th.

How to Sizzle vs. Fizzle Online

This group coaching program will show you how to write a profile that gets attention and emails that get answered. Get tips about your photo and what to expect. When you know the inside scoop about this powerful way to meet lots of men quickly, you’ll not only feel more comfortable, you won’t get frustrated like other singles do. That’s because you’ll be working with a dating coach and expert who knows how to get the most out of your online dating efforts.

If you act fast, you can not only save $50, but you’ll also get an incredible bonus worth $257!

Click here to get all the details and register. Save your spot because this is going to be the best coaching program happening in January, 2012!

Photo Credit: Corinna A. Carlson

Online Dating Advice

Last week, the big topic was online dating rejection. Many of my dating coaching clients feel very angry and frustrated by their experiences online. They are confused and tired of being rejected senselessly. Women want to know why men:

•  Don’t respond to their emails
• Ask for your number, but don’t call
• Suddenly stop emailing
• Give their phone number in the first email
• Send “cut and paste” emails, etc.

My clients are also angry that the wrong  men write to them. Why can’t “they” read? Don’t they see that they don’t fit your criteria or match what you wrote in the profile?

Granted, I’m not a man. But I can still provide you  with some insight into why men do some of these frustrating things and why you should not take it personally.

Think for a minute about your own online dating efforts. Do you answer every email? How quickly do you respond? Have you ever simply stopped emailing with a guy? Given out the wrong phone number? Given your phone number and then not answered the phone or returned his call? If you’re a woman dating online, I guarantee you’ve done at least one of these things.

Online Dating Advice about Rejection

The purpose of dating is to sort through prospects to determine who might be a good match. You know this. So, when you don’t respond to someone, you have reasons right?

• Maybe you aren’t sure about the guy
• You changed your mind
• You learned more about him and have crossed him off the list
• You waffling and aren’t sure you’re ready to meet men online
• You got distracted by what you thought was a better man

News Flash!

Men do the same thing and truth be told, they have the same right to rethink things don’t they? Of course they do. That is why it’s so important to stop taking this type of rejection personally.

Dating online is not always fast and easy. Sometimes it takes work and consistent effort. When you get angry and aggravated by these slights at the beginning of the meeting process, you drain your energy and make it hard to stay positive. Yet, staying positive will keep you active and make you more attractive.

Online Dating Advice: Positive Self-Talk Makes a Big Difference

Here are some positive self-talk suggestions that I share with my dating coaching clients who are dating over 40 or dating after divorce:

1. If you find yourself feeling badly about a guy who got away, remember to say to yourself, “Next!” There are so many men out there so start thinking with anticipation about the next great guy you will meet.

2. “He doesn’t know what’s good, so it’s his loss.” These words are also true. You are a fabulous woman and there are many men out there who would feel darn lucky to be with you.

3. “Thank you for opting out.”  When a man disappears quickly, you can usually thank your lucky starts that he did. When a man opts out from dating you, he knows that you weren’t a good match and this actually serves you. Even if you can’t see why the match wouldn’t be good, it is the truth of the situation or he would never have disappeared.

These three potent strategies will help you manage your energy, expectations and outlook. That’s my online dating advice for you. Put it to work right away so you can minimize the rejection you feel and stay fresh, positive and open to meet the right man who is looking for you even as you read this post.

Virtual Dating Over 40 or Dating After Divorce

Have you gotten involved in a relationship that involved  only email, IMing or texting? The guy seems really interested. He communicates frequently via technology. Some of the messages are really sweet. He updates you on what he’s doing and where he’s going. So why haven’t you seen much of him? And sometimes, you haven’t even met the guy.

First, as your dating coach for women dating over 40 and dating after divorce, I want you to know you are not alone. This can be incredibly frustrating and confusing. You may feel hopeful and hurt simultaneously. How can he write such cute emails, send such adorable texts and not want to actually see you?

Virtual Dating

That’s the name for this dating phenomenon. It may seem hopeful and harmless, but I advise my clients to stay away from this type of virtual relationship. Why? Because many women get their hearts involved and develop feelings for these guys. Problem is, this is not a REAL RELATIONSHIP. If you don’t get together with the guy in person in REAL TIME, you  aren’t in a real relationship. It’s that simple.

Occasionally, the long distance thing does work. People arrange to meet  and enter into a serious relationship. I definitely know happy couples who met online or on vacation in another country.

However, virtual dating can happen with men who are local, but very busy.

Why Do Men Do the Virtual Dating Thing?

There are so many reasons why a man might be open to  techno-communication but, not want to meet:

1. It’s a great way to “cheat” on your wife or partner without actually cheating.

2. Some men aren’t emotionally available at all, and this gives them the feeling of connecting with great women like you without any hassle or responsibility.

3. A virtual relationship is FANTASY. Men enjoy fantasy and some find the idea of dating you better than having to dress up, engage in face-to-face conversation, spend any money, leave the house, etc. (Let’s face it, some women enjoy this idea too).

4. Some guys are better writers than conversationalists, so this is easy for them.

5. Busy men might have the intention to connect and then meet you, but somehow never get around to it. Being busy for either gender, is a great way to stay safe and guard your heart. 

6. There are men who want to be adored without getting involved. This is a great ego boost. Imagine how you might feel if you had several men connecting with you regularly and saying sweet things day and night.

Are you starting to catch on…

How to Get Him to Step Up or Shut Up

If you find yourself in techno-only communication with a man, suggest meeting and see what happens. How he responds says it all, even if the particular words don’t. Pay attention to these signals:

• Hesitation in his voice or response
• Excuses why its not a good time
• A gap in further communication
• A very busy schedule with no room for you
• Changing the subject
• A promise with no actual date to meet 
• He just says “no” without a reason

What Can You Do to Change This?

You can’t do a thing. EXCEPT, you can shut him down and move on to find a man who is not a game player and is relationship ready. This guy is nothing more than a fantasy. Virtual dating never turns into real-time romance. Accept this as soon as possible.

You deserve a real man in a real relationship! Drop this guy like a hot potato and free yourself up for a real man who will wrap his arms around you, kiss you passionately, go on dates and see you on a regular basis.

 Photo Credit: ejbSF

Texting - Emailing Do Not Make a Relationship

Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach,

For 3 months I’ve been chatting online with a man who lives 2.5 hours away. A month ago he asked me out and we agreed to give a relationship a try. Due to scheduling conflicts on both sides, our date was set for this Saturday, May 7th.

The plan was for him to come to me. After that conversation, we had a few nice chats and even talked about being together beyond the first date, both of us assuming that there would be chemistry when we met in person. Our last chat of April 22th, he initiated  with a comment about not having heard from me in a week.

The chat was really sweet though and ended really well, but then he disappeared! I sent him IMs the next week and for the first time he stopped responding. I sent him e-mails that were returned saying the account no longer exists.

We met through an online dating service and he had taken his profile down. Yesterday, I saw that he had put it back up. I sent him an e-mail through the online dating portal asking whether he still wants to meet and asked him to call me. I can see he’s looked at my profile and  read my e-mails, but he hasn’t responded  at all! Not even to say he has changed his mind about meeting me. 

Had I not found him back on the dating site, I would have assumed he’d met someone else. I’m completely confused about what’s happened. I’m assuming he’s cancelled the date by refusing to respond to my e-mails or my request that he call me, but I have no idea why. I really miss him and want to know what’s happened. WHAT CAN OR SHOULD I DO? CAN THIS BE SAVED?

Dear Can This Be,

I don’t know why he got turned off to the point that he changed his email address and took down his profile, then put it up again. Or why he decided to shut you out. Very strange I agree.

Here’s what I do know. It’s a good thing that he showed his true colors before you invested any more time. I feel bad to deliver this message but since you asked me specifically if this could be saved, I want to answer you truthfully. And I say this with so much compassion…there is nothing to save.

Emailing, texting and even phone calls do not make a real relationship. Unless you spend time with each other in person, you are having a virtual relationship. Occasionally, a long distance relationship can work. It would include lots of contact other than face-to-face dates. But you’d still have to see each other to keep the relationship growing and alive.

It doesn’t matter how long you were in contact for, something is not quite right as you can see by his current behavior. I’ve heard this story so many times you’d be surprised how often this happens.

I’m sure you’ve come to this conclusion yourself – that this “relationship” is over. I know how much this probably hurts. That’s why I advise my dating coaching clients not to get into these pen pal relationships.

As a dating coach, my recommendation, along with many other dating experts, is to not indulge in more than four email exchanges and then get to the phone. Have one call of 20-minutes. Sometimes folks like a second call, but don’t get into a phone relationship.

The idea is to meet as soon as you can. Otherwise you can easily end up in a virtual relationship that is based in fantasy. If you did meet, the chemistry might surprise you because often the real thing can never live up to the fantasy.

My bet is there are plenty of guys who live much closer that would be worth meeting. Start to qualify men and  get out to meet as many as possible. The more you meet, the better because some won’t work out, some you won’t like, and some won’t like you.

The beauty of online dating is the potential volume of prospects you can meet. The more men you meet, the better you chances of finding the right one for you. This is the best time of year to meet people. I hope you follow this advice and start over as soon as you are ready.  

Wishing you love,
Ronnie  – The Dating Coach

Photo Credit: Michael Battfish

Background
John is a Madison Avenue advertising man (have you seen Mad Men on A&E?), but he’s current day, not from the past. He wouldn’t cheat on his wife though  - he’s a good man and an eligible single guy too! He’s a direct, honest guy who has a certain way of saying things that really sums it up perfectly. Well of course that’s true – he’s in advertising! Words are his business.

From time to time, John and I have in depth discussions about midlife dating and the differences between men and women. We tend to agree on most issues and I get some fabulous insights into how men think from our conversations. He’s helped me with my upcoming book called, What’s He thinking? What You Need to Know about How Midlife Single Men Think.

In this post, John shares his expertise and shows you how to apply it to your own ad campaign – your online dating profile. If you are a single woman dating over 40 or dating after divorce, read on for some savvy online dating advice to create a winning profile that gets the attention you deserve.

My own online dating advice which I share with dating coaching clients is pretty much the same. But now, you can hear it directly from a midlife single man! If you don’t believe me, maybe you’ll listen to John.

**********

Your Match profile is an ad. It sounds crass, but it is. And, as a Madison Ave adman I can tell you that if you really want to improve your chances of meeting a good guy, it would help to understand a few basics of effective advertising.

1) Be Honest
Of all my tips, this is the most important. It may also seem a bit surprising since advertising isn’t especially known for it’s honesty. However, the most effective advertising tells the truth and so should your profile. This may be tough for some, especially when it comes to age and photos, but if the foundation of a quality relationship is honesty your profile is the place to start.

If you look and act 10 years younger than you are, say it and prove it with some great (current) pics. Having directed many photo shoots I can tell you that good lighting, a good smile, and a good photographer, can make a world of difference in presenting a great, attractive image. 

2) Be Concise
Long copy is generally a turn-off, especially to guys who are mostly visual. So, as with any ad, “concise and intriguing” is best. Save the great personal details for when you connect.

3) Be Positive
Positive copy, with a sense of humor, is always more attractive than negative copy. If you’re feeling a bit jaded because you’re being hit on by dozens of losers, be careful not to let that frustration come across in the tone of your profile. It really won’t help.

4) Avoid Clichés
It’s fine if you enjoy longs walks on the beach and are just as comfortable in jeans as in a little black dress. For your profile, however, originality will better reflect the unique person you are and more effectively attract the guy you want.

5) Have More Than One Good Photo
Since guys are so visual, the more good variety of shots you have, the better the chance of getting a response. Be sure the shots are recent, in focus, big enough, and with decent lighting. If you’re in good shape be sure you have at least one pic that shows it. Since not everyone has great, recent photos lying around some women have rustled up a photographer. If you have to spend a few bucks for that, do it. You can use the pics for other things besides Match and it’ll be well worth the investment.

6)  Don’t Be Shady
Never have a main photo with sunglasses and don’t have more than one sunglass pic in your profile. Unless you’re not really single, had a bad eye job, or are in the Witness Protection Program, hiding your eyes won’t serve you well in attracting a guy.

7) Dogs, and Cats, and Flowers, Oh My
No matter how adorable your poodle or Maltese is, your online profile is really not the place for pics of him. (Like guys with their multiple car and motorcycle pics.) Not only won’t most guys care about your pet, many will perceive it as competition. I also suggest losing the flower and sunset shots no matter how pretty. Because the kind of guy who’s into poodles, flowers and sunsets, probably isn’t into women.

 The Ex Factor
Everyone’s got’em, but photos of a crudely blocked-out ex is just bad form. If you really love the photo that includes an ex, then learn how to crop it tight, or retouch it, so the ex is out of the picture — literally.    

9) Don’t YELL
If you don’t know, ALL CAPS is the equivalent of YELLING.

10) Not responding is not being impolite
If you get an email from a guy who doesn’t interest you, you don’t have to politely try to tell him that. No one likes being rejected and emailing him back just to inform him that you don’t think you’re a match will only put you back on his radar in a disappointing and potentially negative way. If he’s a psycho, or even just having a bad day, it only gives him the chance to say something nasty. It’s not just worth it.

 ****************************

John Follis’ agency, Follis/DeVito/Verdi was one of New York’s most award-winning ad agencies on Madison Avenue. Selected as “One of New York’s Best Ad Execs” by The New York Ad Club, John has lectured on advertising, taught advertising, and written about it in ADWEEK, Ad Age, The New York Enterprise Report, and multiple websites. His creative writing includes an essay in Mirror On America– a pop-culture anthology including essays from humorist Dave Barry, MTV’s Kurt Loder, Al Gore, Dick Clark and Stephen King. Currently, he blogs, speaks and does project work for clients around the US. Find him at http://www.FollisInc.com/therapy.htm

What are they mad about? Here’s what my dating coaching clients tell me who are daitng over 40 and dating after divorce:

• No one writes
• No one returns an email
• People disappear and stop conversing
• Their photos are old
• The people who contact them are old
• Men only want younger women
• Women only want men who make a lot of money
• He only wants to write emails or texts
• She won’t meet me, but loves to talk on the phone

Trust me when I say it’s an endless list of complaints.

All of this is true of course. But how you look at it – that is what counts! That’s the most important thing. How can there even be more than one way to look at this?  What stinks, stinks – its that simple right?

Nope!

So much of the unhappiness and discontent stems from remarkably unrealistic expectations. But it may not be your fault. You just don’t know what to expect so you’ve made a few very large erroneous assumptions. Since you think the way you look at online dating is correct and your expectations are appropriate, you find your results to be dismal at best. As a dating coach, I hear about this topic all the time.

Enter Evan Marc Katz, an LA dating coach who spent time working at JDate.com where he learned a lot about the Internet as a search tool for love. He wrote a couple of very good books too. I’ve read, I Can’t Believe I’m Buying this Book: A Commonsense Guide to Internet Dating. He certainly is a pro.

Evan just wrote a post on his blog answering a question from a woman who is just 29. She complains about the net and Evan explains that even though you don’t like 90% of the people who write to you, only 10% are probably right for you anyway. So, expecting more is really the problem – that’s the point. As I said, erroneous expectations.

I also point out that women often want to stop the flow of the wrong men contacting them. But how do you do that? What you can do is stop the flow of ALL men contacting you if you aren’t careful with the messages you send out into the Universe. MANifesting works both ways – to attract more of what you DO want – or if you’re not careful, more of what you DON’T want.

If you think online dating stinks, then I encouarge you to read this post by Evan. It will help clear up some misconceptions about finding love online.

Dating Over 40 - Is the Glass Half empty?

Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach

My sister told me something recently after I shared how my last coffee date went with a guy from an online dating site. Bev said she thinks I’m looking for things that are wrong with the guy on a first date instead of really looking for what’s right. Only family can tell like it is, right?

There is probably some truth to this statement. I do think that the longer I’ve been on my own, the pickier I get. And of course nobody’s perfect. I also wasn’t big on dating divorced men who have children, but now that I’m 40, I think that ruling them out is not so realistic.

What do you think about my sister’s comment and dating divorced men now that I’m 40?

I appreciate your input.
Glass Half Empty

Dear Half Empty Glass,

Sounds to me like your sister made a very insightful comment. This happens a lot to many of my dating coaching clients  – looking for what’s not right vs. noticing what IS right. It’s human nature. But, now that you are more aware of this outlook and how it could negatively impact your dating results, you can work to shift this thought pattern.

As I share with my dating coaching clients who are dating over 40, this shift in thinking will help you be more open to the men you meet and have more of  a “we’ll see” attitude. “We’ll see” means there’s potential, but you’re not all “ga-ga” – which is a very good thing. When you’re ga-ga, it’s usually a steamy, short-lived, chemistry connection that doesn’t get much deeper.

Addressing the divorced men with children question, keep this in mind: The more open you are to getting to know different men, the better your chances of finding a good match. In other words, the fewer men you rule out – the better! A divorced man with kids may have some drawbacks, but he may have some good points that make the situation all worthwhile.

Of course, it is appropriate to be selective and there are some men you should not even consider. But on the whole, allowing yourself to meet more men and take the time to get to know them, is a smart strategy for the numbers game that dating really is.

Photo Credit : BG Lewandowski

Online Dating After Divorce

Dear Ronnie – The Dating Coach,

I have a quick question for you. I am a woman recently divorced who is 31 years old. I’m a successful graphic designer who has only ever dated men who I have this in common with (a very good thing about my past relationships).

All the advice I see on the web about dating after divorce is pushing online dating…and it’s true I don’t particularly know how or where to meet men otherwise. Except the kind of men I am into…intellectual, very talented (yet still kind and reliable, etc.) don’t really gravitate towards these sites.

I feel a bit stuck. Do you think online dating is the only way to go? I tried it when I was younger and had no success at all meeting compatible guys.

Please tell me what you suggest,
Creative Gal

Hi Creative Gal,

Did you know that online dating has over 40 million people who subscribe? I’m quite certain there are creative, intelligent men on those sites. I know one NYC ad man (he’s 54) who has found all his relationships this way over the past 10 years.

So, don’t think for one moment that your kind of guy isn’t on there – he is! Now, experts agree,  it could take up to one year to connect with ‘the one,” but you could have many fun dates until you find him. And you can learn a lot about yourself in the process. The dating journey really is all about you – what works for you and what doesn’t.  Who you feel more comfortable with, etc.

What I tell my dating coaching clients who are dating after divorce is that there’s no question the fastest way to kick start your dating life is online. Stick to the largest sites like Match.com, AmericanSingles.com and SinglesNet.net. I also hear good things about OKCupid.com. I’m not a fan of eHarmony for those over 40, but its possible at 30-ish, there might be more men on the site. Don’t use it exclusively though – I think its dubious as too how many men care about 29 points of personality or are willing to fill out 236 questions.

Of course at 30-something, I highly recommend speed dating as well. Not sure where you live but put “speed dating + city” into google and see what comes up near you. You might not meet the man of your dreams right away, but you’ll have wonderful opportunities to practice flirting, conversation skills and build confidence – which by the way is VERY attractive to men and women.

Here’s something else I really want you to think about. 

I strongly recommend expanding your definition of the “right guy”. Only dating men in your own field is HIGHLY LIMITING. There are so many other intelligent men out there. What about lawyers, builders, craftsmen, teachers, and architects? These fields all require some level of creative thinking and you are leaving them out!

 My hope for you , as with all my dating coaching clients,  is that you can see what I’m talking about and feel like giving it a shot. Expand your definition of the “right guy”, give online dating another chance and keep your ears open for singles’ events in your area.  The more men who you are open to meeting, the better your chances of finding one you really click with.

Wishing you love,
Ronnie

Photo Credit: Auntie P

Why did Marjorie name her coffee dates “Date Zero”? Very practical really. After being on numerous first dates with men she has never met before, she simply realized these meetings weren’t like real dates. That’s because neither party knows if they will be interested enough to start seeing each other. A lot of ground has to be explored before that can be decided. For example:

• Do you find each other attractive?
• Can you understand each other’s sense of humor?
• Can you hold a comfortable and interesting conversation?
• Do you want to know more about each other?
• Do you share a similar world view so you “get” each other?
• Do you have enough similar taste in music, travel, sports, hobbies, etc?
• Do you have a similar dating agenda?

When you meet a man for the first time at a party or singles event, you can size each other up in person, face-to-face. But that’s not possible online. So, your first step is “Date Zero” with the sole purpose of determining the level of interest to find out more.

Reading the outcome of Date Zero can be very difficult. Sometimes it seems like you are getting along famously, but you never hear a peep from the guy again. Other times you have a moderate to low interest level and those are the men to call. Now you can understand why Marjorie has taken to calling the first meeting Date Zero and I have to say, this is extremely savvy.

The truth is, a first meeting means absolutely nothing. That’s why my dating coaching client has wisely chosen not to count it as a date at all. It’s just a meeting and what matters most is not if you had a powerful connection, but if THE GUY CALLS FOR ANOTHER DATE. Or better yet, if he asks on the spot for that next date. Then, you’ll be going on your first date!

What’s the benefit of defining the process this way?

1. Completely takes the pressure off so you can relax and be your best self
2. Minimizes the chance of instant attachment that some women experience
3. Allows you to maintain a clear and objective viewpoint so you can make good decisions
4. Keeps the meeting in perspective so you don’t over-value the date 

I highly recommend following Marjorie’s attitude about first dates with online prospects. Date Zero can be fun. It can produce a first, real date. But most importantly, it’s a perfect opportunity for you to practice flirting, use your feminine charm, hone your conversation skills, and build confidence in your ability to handle a first meeting.

When you adopt this outlook, you’ll learn how to maintain a “we’ll see” attitude to manage your enthusiasm and remain neutral. The purpose of dating is data collection – finding out his interest in you and your interest in him. Neutrality allows you to objectively collect data without getting emotionally attached before you know he’s worthy.

Give this way of thinking about your coffee chats a try and discover how it helps you better navigate the potentially emotional  and muddled waters of online dating. 

Laurie Davis, founder of the eFlirt Expert, will be speaking today at 5pm edt about online dating, offering savvy tips about flirting and meeting men online. www.eflirtexpert.com Lauire is frequently sought by the media to sahre her insgihts about web romance and s he will ahppily share her savvy ways with listeners today as part of the Dating for Keeps Expo.

Plus, Terry MacDonald, author of How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams and blogger at www.datingadvicealmostdaily.com will be sharing her techniques for attracting love using the Law of Attraction at 8pm edt. Terry herself applied the Law to attract her hunky, wonderful husband and looks forward to sharing her methods with listeners.

There are so many great speakers this week – 12 in all! You can listen for free by registering now. Click here. Eventhough the program started yesterday, there are still 9 more programs to listen to, so don’t hesitate another minute – Register Now.