Kathryn Lord - Find-a-Sweetheart

Glad you’re back to read the Valentine’s Day Blog-a-thon on day 6! Today’s guest dating blogger is Kathryn Lord who met her husband Drew online in 1998. A mental health professional for 34 years, she now works with singles as a Romance Coach, helping  them find love find love using Internet dating sites.  You can find her at www.Find-a-Sweetheart.com

Rejection: Better than You Could Possibly Imagine

Just about everybody worries about rejection, particularly in dating situations.  None of us like hearing “no” when it comes to something we want.  Yet, we hear “no” all the time in our everyday lives and manage to live through it.  Why does hearing “no” from someone we are attracted to hurt so much?  And can we change that?

The hurt we feel from “no’s” stems from our very beginnings.  As infants, we felt perfect and powerful.  Only with time and the civilizing attempts from our parents did we realize that we do not always get what we want.  But our infant selves retain that feeling of total power, and understand (faultily) that if we don’t get what we want, there must be something wrong – with us.  So when we hear a “no,” we get a double insult to our egos: we don’t get what we want, and it is our fault.  It’s not true, but that’s the way our childlike selves understand the rejection.

What is true is that we are busy rejection people all the time.  It’s all a matter of taste and preference. We reject 99.99% of possible mates without even thinking about it: they are too tall, too short, to fat or too skinny, the wrong color, religion, or political party, too poor or too rich, not well educated enough or too smart for their own good.  And everyone else is busy rejecting 99.99% of others, too.  Then we get overly focused on the .01% that do interest us, then devastated if the interest is not returned. 

But when you think about it, it is pretty arrogant to think that the .01% of folks we do honor with our attention will, of course, be equally interested in us.  Some probably will, maybe 10% of the .01%, but by no mean will all.  The sweet spot is the overlap: those you like who also happen to like you. 

Since so very few people fall into the “Sweet Spot” of mutual attraction, it is to your distinct advantage to know as soon as possible whether anyone you are interested in is also interested in you.  You do not want to waste your time, nor do you want to waste theirs.  Rejection needs to be WELCOMED, because it is information you need so that you will not waste time and energy – and money – on a lost cause.  Better that you use your resources to find someone whose feelings of attraction are mutual.

How to Minimize the Pain of Rejection by Kathryn Lord

Here’s what to do to minimize the pain:

1. Do not let yourself “fall in love” with any one profile or person before you establish that they are equally interested in you.
2. Develop a long favorites list and send out first emails of introduction in bunches of 5 or so, again, to protect yourself from getting to focused on any one at this point.
3. When you get a “no” or a non answered email, welcome the quick answer and move on to the next person on your list. 
4. Learn to essentially ignore those who are not interested in you, just as you ignore all whom you are not interested in either. 
5. Remember, that as personal as this process feels, it is NOT PERSONAL.

To learn more about Kathryn , visit  www.Find-a-Sweetheart.com

To read any of the previosu Dating Expert Blog-a-thon posts, click below:

Day #1  Love is in the Air and Its All about You  by Marla Martenson
Day #2 Fall in Love on Valentine’s Day with Yourself by Bobbi Palmer
Day #3 The Love You Take is Equal to the Love You Makeby Terry Hernon MacDonald
Day #4  Single? 5 Tips to Get You Noticed this Valentine’s Day by Paige Parker
Day #5 Sing Your Own Love Song this Valentine’s Day by Ronnie Ann Ryan

Terry Hernon MacDonald - Marry Smart

Welcome to day 3 of the Valentine’s  Day Blog-a-thon. Today’s guest blogger is a very good friend of mine. Terry Hernon MacDonald is the author of How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams. You can visit her blog at Dating Advice (Almost) Daily and sign up for her newsletter at MarrySmart.com.

 THE LOVE YOU TAKE IS EQUAL TO THE LOVE YOU MAKE

So wrote the Beatles, and they got it right.

Too many women (and men, for that matter) approach love the wrong way. Several times a month, they dress up and leave the house for dinner with some soul they found on a dating site, hoping he’ll turn out to be the person of their dreams.

Now, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with dating sites (on the contrary, they provide access to men you might not ordinarily meet, and they help you clarify what you do — and don’t — want in your ideal partner). But it’s still very possible that you’ll meet that person of your dreams just going about your day, doing ordinary things.

That’s why you must be ready for love every moment of your life.

Relax. I’m not suggesting you schedule a chemical peel before you head to the supermarket. But I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen women in sweats and no makeup ending up in line behind cute guys without wedding rings. These women don’t get attention because they think they only need to look good on date nights. To attract the right man, women need to look good all the time. (I’m not being sexist. Are you impressed guys who wear sweat pants?)

Unless you’re going to the gym (and even there, you’d want to be presentable), it really helps to look your casual best at all times. When you put yourself together, you tell the world you care about yourself.  Caring about yourself inspires others to care for you, too. 

And while putting yourself together is critical, it’s more important that you treat people — whether you would date them or not — with love and kindness. Smile at the cashier. Warn the old man coming out of church about the slippery patch you noticed in the pavement. Use the time on line at the DMV to think happy thoughts. Please don’t be the woman who’s constantly sighing and checking her watch. She repels people.

It truly helps to cultivate a spirit of love wherever you are, whether it’s the supermarket or a hospital visiting a sick friend. You just never know who you’re going to meet, and you do not know who the people you do meet could help you to meet. Be kind to the tired-looking woman who serves your morning coffee. She just might have an honest, successful brother who’s ready for a relationship with a warm-hearted woman like you.

Spread love wherever you go. Know that what goes around, comes around. Develop the reputation of being “that lovely woman.” 

By all means, start by loving yourself. People who love themselves attract more love. Slow down, stop rushing around, and take time to do things you enjoy. This is your life we’re talking about, and you must make time for your interests. (Your interests make you interesting.) If the quest to find a life partner has become your sole interest, please find another. You could meet the aunt of a great guy at a knitting class, piano lessons, or a cooking course. 

And, if you’ve become accustomed to eating out of sacks and cardboard boxes, this is the time to take that cooking course. Raise your standards and start nourishing the love of your life. (That would be you.)  Learn to make something you really enjoy. Make it slowly. Savor it with a glass of good wine. And please set the table. You wouldn’t expect a man you want to impress to eat from a pot while standing at the stove, would you? So why do you allow the love of your life to do it?

Treat yourself the way you want the man of your dreams to treat you, which will enable you to get used to being treated well. This way, when you’re out with some substandard loser, your radar will go off. Instead of making excuses for his behavior, you’ll know better.  You will go home alone, happy to spend time with someone who treats you like the treasure you are.  (That would be you again.) 

It will only be a matter of time before the right man shows up to treat you as you treat yourself.

You truly will be amazed when you a) treat others as you would have them treat you, b) dress to expect good things, and c) treat yourself as you want the most fabulous man in the world to treat you. You’ll find yourself attracting new people, specifically good men. You’ll also attract better friends, better jobs, and better circumstances.

Go forth. Love and be loved.

To learn more about Terry, visit www.MarrySmart.com

Did you read the first two posts of the Valentine’s Day blog-athon? No worries, just click below:
Day #1  Love is in the Air and Its All about You  by Marla Martenson
Day #2 Fall in Love on Valentine’s Day with Yourself by Bobbi Palmer

Bobbi Palmer - Dating and Relationship Coach

This is Day 2 of the Valentine’s Day Blog-a-thon, running February 10th – 16th. My second guest blogger is Bobbi Palmer,  The Dating and Relationship Coach for Women Over 40. She is not just a dating coach; she is a dating success story! She was married for the first time at 47, and enjoys a spectacular relationship with her husband. As a coach, she compassionately shares her successes – and mistakes – in her 6-step Find Hope and Find Him Program. She invites you to read her blog and take her free Man-O-Meter test at www.DateLikeaGrownup.com  Or call 562-608-8685.

Fall in Love on Valentine’s Day…With Yourself

Let’s admit it: it can suck being single on Valentine’s Day. Not because you yearn to go out to a crowded, overpriced restaurant or because you want those crappy roses they sell by the billions…but because you want to be in love.

I get it. I was a first-time bride at age 47. I dated for 30 long years, and 25 of those were spent home alone on Valentine’s Day. Now, as a married gal and a dating coach for women, I can look at this day with perspective. Here is what I see:

Valentine’s Day can be a powerful, life-changing day for you. It can be the day you place your single-hood front and center, dig deep, and decide if you really, really, REALLY want to share your life with a fabulous man.

If the answer is “yes,” then I’ve got your next step: Fall in Love with Yourself.  Make February 14 all about you rather than the guy who is not (yet) in your life.

If you’re going to make positive changes in the way you date and relate to men, and you’re going to attract that spectacular guy (instead of just any guy), your starting point is with You.

This doesn’t mean it’s your fault or that there is something wrong with you. This isn’t about remaking yourself or figuring out all the things you should be that you’re not.

It’s the opposite. Falling in love with yourself is about celebrating yourself, showing yourself some kindness, and doing some honest self-reflection—because you deserve the best life possible.

I want to share with you an exercise I do with my clients. My 6-Step Find Hope and Then Find Him System, which is the foundation of my coaching, starts with Step 1: Who Am I? Falling in Love with Myself.

The first part of this exercise goes like this:

List the things about yourself that you love.

How does that make you feel? Did you get that “geez, that feels icky” feeling? Does it feel selfish or conceited? Do you worry your list will be very short?

Don’t worry…this is difficult for most women. How often are we asked to look at our fabulousness? Most conjure up the usual things: I’m smart, I’m independent, I have great hair. And then they run into a brick wall.

You don’t have to be curing cancer or feeding starving children to consider yourself wonderful and worthy. Attributes like being a good friend, loyalty, being able to handle life’s ups and downs, raising good children…these are all things to love about yourself.

If you don’t think these are worth much, consider this: what do you want in a man? Loving kindness, commitment, good humor, intelligence? These things count BIG TIME! And I guarantee they are traits you possess in some form.

I once heard a man say. “If a woman doesn’t seem to love herself, why should I love her?”

When was the last time you actually focused solely on yourself? Have you ever asked yourself, “What makes me a good person worthy of love?” 

Make February 14 the day you fall in love…with yourself.

To learn more about Bobbi, visit www.DateLikeaGrownup.com

If you missed yesterday’s Valentine’s day Blog-a-thon, click below:
Day #1  Love is in the Air and Its All about You  by Marla Martenson

Marla Martenson - Diary of a Beverly Hills Matchmaker

The first guest blogger is my new friend, Marla Martenson, who is a matchmaker, dating coach and motivational speaker. She is the author of three books, her latest is a memoir, Diary of a Beverly Hills Matchmaker and she also wrote, Excuse Me, Your Soul Mate is Waiting. You can find out more about Marla at www.marlamartenson.com or www.cupidforhire.com 

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This Valentine’s Day, Love Is in the Air, and It’s All about You!

So many of us are searching for our soul mate, yet many of us don’t have a clear understanding of what a soul mate is. We all know the clichés about love at first sight and feeling that we know someone from a past life. Our perception of a soul mate is often based on movies, television, books and fairy tales. We love to imagine that magical feeling and experience of finding our soul mate.

The problem often arises because romantic love ultimately falls short of that ideal. And that can also be the problem with Valentine’s Day. Women across the country panic and feel “down” or bad about themselves because they don’t have a “sweetheart” to spend that overblown, commercialized holiday with. Well, here are some tips to get through and actually feel empowered and better!

Since there is no getting around all of the visuals, the flowers, heart shaped boxes of candy in store windows, special over priced dinner menus for lovers, the ads for teddy bears and pajamas on TV, you’d might as well join the party. You are going to celebrate YOU!

Start the day with a special workout, maybe a yoga class, a hike in the hills, or a special meditation. At noon, pick a busy restaurant with a nice bar and take yourself to lunch. Order whatever your heart desires and you will be washing it down with a glass of bubbly. Toast yourself and mentally sing your praises. You are special in so many ways. Isn’t it nice to celebrate you? You don’t need a man to tell you that you are amazing.

In the evening get together with some single girlfriends for a cozy supper and great conversation. But the ground rules are, no men bashing or whining about why you are all still single. Make this night about accomplishments, celebrating each other and appreciating the magic of friendship.

If none of your friends are available, then rent a movie that you’ve always wanted to see, get in your comfy PJ’s, pop some popcorn and settle in for a “date night” with yourself.

The whole message that I am trying to convey is that while you are waiting for your soul mate, be happy where you are. The universe will take care of it. You will meet him at the right time. He might be getting transferred at his job in six months and move to Atlanta. Once his divorce is final, he might run into you at the grocery store. We cannot force things in life. Timing is an absolute. The phrase “being in the right place at the right time” is so true.

There is a saying in the Tao, “Infinite patience brings immediate results.” This is true when we do our inner work. There is no reason to doubt because this is the law of the Universe. This is how energy works, plain and simple. If you can learn to let go and to trust, things come much easier than if you fight for it. Surrender control, and you free the Universe to bring you whatever you want.

Over 40 Dating

Well, we made it – the final day of the Valentine’s Week Blog-a-thon. It’s been incredibly fun and very exciting connecting with all these fabulous dating experts across the country. I hope you have enjoyed it as much as we have AND, we hope this helps you have a fun and memorable Valentine’s Day.

The post below is mine – from Ronnie Ann Ryan – The Dating Coach. I’ve been a dating coach for 8 years now and since I found love and married for the first time over 40, I know you can do it too! Whether or not you’re marriage-minded, finding love is a real possibility. Hopefully, you have a firm grasp on the idea so it’s firmlyembedded into your psyche. I’ve worked with over 2,000 people to successfully jump start or accelerate their search for love. People fall in love every day – why not you?

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Crazy as this may sound, one of the best Valentine’s Days I ever had was right after I broke up with a boyfriend. I was upset and unhappy. So, I spent some time thinking about what would make me happy and be fun. I came up with this list and let me tell you – it worked like a charm!

If you are single and dating over 40 or dating after divorce, try some of these ideas yourself this year on Valentine’s Day and see if the holiday passes with greater ease, and even some joy!

Buy Flowers for  Your Girlfriends!
That’s right – I bought my friends Jill and Michelle a big bunch of gorgeous flowers, and some for me too of course! They were totally thrilled and I was too when I saw the appreciative look on their faces.

Have Dinner with Friends
We went out to a nice restaurant and enjoyed the meal we’d like to have had with a partner. The meal was truly memorable with yummy seafood and decadent chocolate cake for dessert. We deserved the best regardless of our relationship status!

Toast Your Friends and Your Life
Yeah, we even went for the champagne.  We toasted the good things in our lives and each other. Then we made wishes for the following year and the next Valentine’s Day.

Buy Cards for Friends and Neighbors
Do you know someone who is sick, single, older and/or alone? Is there someone who often helps you at work? Brighten their day and yours by remembering them on Valentine’s Day. We gave Valentine’s to everyone in our classes in grade school – return to this practice and watch the smiles!

Buy Treats for Your Pets
Sometimes there’s nothing better than the unconditional love of a pet. Treat them well on Valentine’s Day to enjoy the love they share with you all year round.

Celebrate with Your Children
Your kids can make your Valentine’s Day very special. Make a big deal of the holiday for them. Cook a special meal, put chocolate hearts in their lunch boxes, or have a family game night. Whatever your family would like – do it up and share the love.

Smile All Day Long
There are plenty of singles who might feel down on Valentine’s Day. You can brighten their day and yours at the same time with something as simple as a smile. When you catch a man’s eye, smile back to acknowledge him. There’s no promise of anything more – but this can make someone’s day and yours too. Smile often enough and it may even become a habit! You can’t lose when you flash those pearly whites.

It’s Just One day
This is what I tell my over 40 dating coaching clients. -if none of these suggestions work for you, then keep this happy thought in mind. Valentine’s Day is just one day, once a year. It will pass quickly and then you can go back to life as usual. On the other hand, try something new from the list above. I’m sure you’ll be glad you did.

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Want more Blog-a-thon? Great!
To read posts from all the other days this week, see links below and enjoy.

To read Day 1 by the Dating Goddess, midlife dating expert click here
To read Day 2 by Alyssa Johnson, relationship after divorce expert  click here
To read Day 3 by Laurie Davis, eFlirt Expert and co-host of LoveNation click here
To read Day 4 by SingleMomSeeking, top-rated single mom blogger click here
To read Day 5 by Terry Hernon MacDonald, happily married dating blogger click here
To read Day 6 by DeAnna Lorraine, Dating – Relationship Coach & NLP Practitioner click here

photo credit LuLu

Today’s guest blogger and dating expert is The Dating Goddess who is dedicated to providing uncommon information, insights and advice for midlife women reentering the dating world. The DatingGoddess.com is one of the top-ranked sites for dating and has published more than a dozen books about dating in the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 book series.

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Valentine’s Day is meant for lovers. So what if you are alone for this day designed to celebrate love? There are many ways to spend the day wrapped in love, even if you are without a sweetie. The new book  Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch helps articulate your positive attributes.

What if you are like many women who are dating, but without a regular sweetie with whom to celebrate Valentine’s Day? Perhaps you’ve been dating around, but there’s no one with whom it makes sense to get all lovey-dovey on this, the snuggle fest of holidays. Or maybe you have yet to stick your toe in the dating pool.

The Dating Goddess, author of the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 13-book series has some ideas for you:

• Remind yourself what a terrific catch you are. In her book, Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch, the Dating Goddess says, “Make a list of all the things you love and appreciate about you. It’s easy to focus on what we don’t like about ourselves. But this is the day to be your own valentine. Write yourself a poem. Put on fresh sheets. Buy your favorite flowers. Fix your favorite meal.”
• Treat yourself as your valentine. Do for yourself what makes you feel loved. Do something you like to do that you don’t do very often: draw a warm bath, play favorite music, light candles and relax. Or order take out, get in your jammies early and snuggle down with a DVD. Or turn up the stereo and dance to your favorite music. Indulge and enjoy what you love to do.
• Take yourself out for the day or evening, but not to places frequented by couples. Is there a new exhibit at the museum you’ve wanted to see? Been wanting to luxuriate with a massage? Haven’t had a facial or pedicure in a while? Pamper yourself just and show yourself some love.
• Meet up with some gal pals for a group pedicure, hike, movie or night on the town. Initiate a group exercise where you all tell each of the others one thing you admire about her. It will feel like a group hug!
• Show your appreciation to loved ones. Send free virtual bouquets from flowers2mail.com along with a note on why you’re glad they’re in your life. Send an online valentine card. Call to tell someone what a difference they make to you. Most of us don’t get enough acknowledgment. You’ll be amazed how much love you get back just by sharing some with others.

So don’t let it get you down if you don’t have a steady beau in your life to shower you with affection. You already have a steady love — you! Don’t take yourself for granted!

If you don’t have a special someone with whom to share Valentine’s Day, have a great date with the Dating Goddess and her new books.  Order from www.DatingGoddess.com

Want to read more of the blog-a-thon? Great! See links below:

Day 2 – Alyssa Johnson,  relationships after divorce expert click here
Day 3 – Laurie Davis, the eFlirt Expert  click here